Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Listen, just, just breathe, okay?” Evan said.

Jared was breathing. He was curled up in the corner of his bed and his headphones were dangerously close to slipping off, but he was breathing. Barely.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m. I’m okay,” he said.

Evan’s voice was clear through the mic. “Are you sure?”

“Mhm.” His phone lit up with another text and he tossed it to the end of his bed, curling up even tighter and staring at his laptop, which was open to his and Evan’s latest Discord messages.

“I heard the text noise, was that her?”

“Yeah. I threw my phone.”

Evan let out a little breath, not quite a half-laugh. “That’s fair. You know she’s manipulating you. It’s her thing. She’s completely safe, and if something happened to her, it wouldn’t be your fault anyway.”

“Yeah, yeah, I… yeah.” He took a breath. “God, I’m gonna have to call my fucking, my therapist, huh.”

“You probably should. Maybe not now,” Evan quickly added, “seeing as it’s… three in the morning.”

“You should go to sleep,” Jared said. 

“Mmm… no.” Evan clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth quietly. “I’m staying here for you whether you like it or not.”

Jared’s phone buzzed again. He huffed. “Fucking— Caitlin, again.”

“I think you should block her, Jare,” Evan said, and his voice sounded so soft, way too soft, and Jared was melting. It wasn’t the time, it was never the time, but Evan’s voice was coming through his headphones and if he focused hard enough he wasn’t being spam texted by his shitty ex, he was lying next to Evan, and the two of them were happy, and nothing had ever been wrong in the world.

“I don’t… want to deal with the repercussions of that,” he admitted. 

“Remember you told me you and your therapist had talked about you avoiding your problems?” Evan asked.

Jared half-smiled. “I would never do something like that. You know me. Very proactive. Involved in no illegal activities, as well, that’s another fun thing about me.”

Evan laughed. “Shut up, you make it sound like you’re a goddamn drug dealer or something.”

“Back to what you were saying,” Jared laughed, “I feel like it’d be easier to be like, ‘hey. Please, kindly, fuck off, and here’s why.’ And then block her.”

“I mean, you can do that. I would— I’d say that’s a pretty good idea, actually. Do you want to draft a text?”

Jared hummed noncommittally. “I… don’t know.”

“What would you want to tell her?” Something on Evan’s side shifted, probably him rolling over in bed or something. Jared had awoken him at midnight— the motherfucker always went to sleep so early— and they’d been on call since, as Caitlin’s texts came through.

“Just something like, ‘hey, stop telling me you’re going to kill yourself if I leave you. Also I’m leaving you. And I’m gay.’”

Evan snorted at the last part. “Okay, okay. You could just say that, you know.”

“I could. Hang on.” Jared muted his mic to get up and grab his phone. “Sorry, didn’t want my mic to flip out. I’ve got my phone.” He opened Caitlin’s messages and scrolled up. “She’s sent me more of the usual. ‘I’m gonna kill myself without you, you’re my angel, you mean everything to me, if you leave me no one will love you again,’ the fucking- the fucking usual,” Jared sighed.

“She’s just trying to guilt trip you,” Evan said, and his voice was so confident, so self-assured. Jared found himself almost able to believe him.

“God,” he said. “I wish I’d never fucking dated her.”

“Yeah,” Evan said. “From what you’ve told me that’s, that’s completely understandable.”

“Gay people will be like, well damn, lemme check if I’m gay. And not only are they gay, they’re also very upset now, as well.”

“I’m sorry, dude,” Evan said.

“Not your fault,” Jared said. He looked out the window, where the moon was peeking through the curtains. “So. I’m opening my notes app.” He did so, and began to narrate as he typed. “Hi Caitlin. Please stop telling me you’re going to kill yourself. Also, I’m leaving you. And I’m gay.”

“I mean, that gets the point across,” Evan said.

“True.” He stared down at his phone. “I want to be a little nicer, I think.”

“You don’t have to be nice to her,” Evan pointed out. “She hurt you. You don’t owe her anything.”

“Yeah,” Jared mumbled, staring down at his phone. He changed around his draft, eventually ending up with hi Caitlin, due to how you are treating me right now and how you have treated me throughout this whole relationship, plus the fact that I have realized I’m gay, I am breaking up with you. 

He read the text out loud to Evan, who was quiet for a second. “Sorry, you couldn’t hear me nod thoughtfully. That’s good,” Evan said.

“I just worry that, like, she won’t believe I’m gay,” Jared said. “She’s one of those well, have you kissed a man before motherfuckers.”

“Get a fake boyfriend,” Evan suggested, and the idea slapped him straight in the face as an obvious solution. 

“God, you’re right,” he mumbled. 

Fake-date Evan. The idea planted itself in his mind and once it did he couldn’t let it go. Ask him out. It’s not like it’s for real. 

“Are you...” he coughed awkwardly. The tension was palpable. “By any chance, are you in need of a fake-boyfriend?” 

“I mean,” Evan said, and his voice was light, “I wasn’t actively thinking of needing one, but if- if you’re in need of a fake boyfriend, I’m completely able to fill the role.”

“Well, since you so desperately need a super cool epic hot sexy amazing and incredible fake boyfriend,” Jared joked, “I’m down.”

“We’ll have to, like, plan out our relationship and stuff. D’you wanna meet somewhere and talk it over?”

“Five Guys?” Jared suggested.

“God, I know you well. Five Guys it is. I have a coupon, you’ll be pleased to know.”

“Yo, nice,” Jared said. He looked down at his phone, copying the text from his notes app into his messages app. “I’m gonna send the text,” he said.

“You’ve got this,” Evan said. 

With a last deep breath, Jared hit the send button.

A pause, then a grey typing bubble.

“She’s typing,” Jared grimaced.

Caitlin: I can’t believe you’d betray me like that. And you cant be gay. I bet you’ve never even kissed a guy before

Jared relayed the message back to Evan. “Like, way to rub it in, first of all,” he joked. He typed out a quick text, i’m gay and i have a bf ^_^ ok bye, and then slammed his finger down on the block button.

“Sent and blocked,” Jared announced.

“You did it!” Evan said.

“I sure did,” Jared responded. “Therapist Jen is going to be so pleased I didn’t just ignore a situation.”

“Therapist Jen is going to be so proud of you!” Evan said. “I am also so proud of you!”

“Awww, gay,” Jared said, ignoring how warm Evan’s words made him feel.

“Fuck off,” Evan responded immediately.

Jared had missed their banter so much. All the time he’d spent avoiding Evan and being an asshole, or Evan avoiding him and being an asshole, it’d worn on him. And god, being back to relatively-normal with Evan? It was so, so good. He’d missed him so much. Evan made him feel warm. God, Evan made him feel like he was home.

“Do you wanna watch an absurd amount of episodes of H2O: Just Add Water with me?” Jared asked.

“Sometime, yes. But right now, you need to go to sleep,” Evan said.

“Fuck you,” Jared said. “I do what I want.”

“Listen, in the morning we can get Starbucks and watch the mermaid show, alright?”

“Fine,” Jared sighed, leaning back against the wall behind his bed. “So this is goodnight, then?”

“I guess so. Maybe our paths will cross again one day,” Evan joked.

“I can only hope so,” Jared joked back. “Goodnight, my prince.”

“Shut up. Goodnight, Jared.”

“Goodnight, Evan.”

Jared disconnected from the Discord call and put his laptop down on the floor by his bed, sighing. He could get ready for bed, but god that was a lot of effort, and it was nearly four in the morning.

With that last factor in consideration, he laid down and opened his phone, putting his sleep playlist on shuffle and tugging his blanket over his head. 

He rolled out of bed at around 11AM, his blanket still around his shoulders. He sat in front of the minifridge for a second, blinking sleep from his eyes, before grabbing a can of Monster and taking a couple sips.

He eventually stood back up and made his way back to his bed, finding his phone buried in his sheets and scrolling through his notifications. A couple from Twitch and YouTube, some from Discord, and a few texts.

He opened Evan’s first. 

[Thursday 16 November 06:22]

evanhansen: Heyo we had spanish homework right ? 

[Thursday 16 November 11:14]

jared: yeah q 13 to 19 on pg 244 . did u even sleep dude why were u up so early

Briefly, he wondered why Evan’s message hadn’t woken him up. He’d set Evan’s ringtone to always override “do not disturb” mode. He must have been really tired. 

He checked his texts from Zoe next. 

[Thursday 16 November 08:35]

zoe: heyo has alana texted u recently?

jared: i mean a couple days ago they asked abt intro to web design, why?

A text came through from Evan and he swiped it open.

[Thursday 16 November 11:17]

evan: well you see we have this thing called Class, ur supposed to do work for it sometimes you know =P

jared: shut up u know im cracked at spanish

evan: “im cracked at Spanish” i hate youuuu who SAYS that

jared: ANYWAY wanna come over n we can get starbucks and watch h2o and then get five guys later

evan: yeah sure see ya in 15?

jared: yah sure ill get ready for our date rq

evan: our What

jared: im just fucking with u dude <3 see u in 15!

Jared slid his phone into his pocket and hurried over to his closet, grabbing a change of clothes before shoving his way into his bathroom. Getting a single room, while much more expensive, allowed him the tiniest bit of luxury, like his own bathroom, and not having to knock on his own door, and the ability to listen to music to fall asleep without getting snapped at. And being able to give his friends keycard access.

He slipped his sweatpants off and pulled on his t-shirt and black jeans before digging through the cabinets to find his toothbrush and deodorant. He wanted to look nice, but not like he was trying to look nice. He swiped the toothbrush around his mouth and pulled out his scar cream, smoothing it onto the scars from his top surgery. 

He shoved the door open with his shoulder and dropped his stuff on the foot of his bed before going back to his closet, much more calmly this time, and grabbing a blue Hawaiian shirt. He pulled it on and straightened the collar before picking up his phone. Seven minutes, a record time for him since high school, when he’d regularly go from sleeping to out the door in five minutes flat.

He scrolled through his notifications again, hoping he didn’t miss anything important. A text came in from Zoe, reading simply, “allg I panicked cuz I hadn’t heard from them but they’re fine LMAO just studying”

He shot back a quick glad 2 hear it and opened Spotify, switching from his still-playing sleep playlist to a playlist aptly named “jams!!!” Fvck Somebody by the Wrecks began playing, and Jared set his phone to the side, grabbing his meds from his desk and quickly washing them down with Monster. 

It was only a couple minutes before Evan was at his dorm room door, and Jared greeted him by head-butting him in the collarbone. “Hey.”

“Top ten Jared-isms I don’t understand but accept because I enjoy you,” Evan said.

“Gay,” Jared responded immediately. “C’mon in. I’m playing jams and being sexier than everyone else alive.”

“So, the usual?” Evan bantered in response, immediately sitting down in Jared’s desk chair. “Did you take your meds?” 

“Uhh… Yes! Actually! The whole actually using my pill organizer thing works, surprisingly.”

“No fucking way,” Evan deadpanned. “So, d’you wanna go to Starbucks?”

“Yes. Fucking duh.”

“Walk or drive?”

“What’s the weather like?” He asked.

“It should be like, seventy? And windy.”

“Walk,” Jared decided. He grabbed his knockoff AirPods from his desk. “You’re listening to my jams with me, I don’t care.”

“Yes, of course.” 

Jared grabbed his wallet and stuck it in his pocket before syncing his phone to the earbuds. “And now! Starbucks time!”

Chapter Text

Jared was stood cursing himself in the bathroom mirror. It wasn’t a new place for him to find himself, in fact, he was pretty sure he’d had the same experience in this very same Five Guys bathroom a couple months ago.

He was curing himself in this bathroom, again, the bright red tiles serving only to mock him. 

It was all fake, it was all pretend. Evan didn’t really like him — why would he? It was all pretend. He could only shoot Evan wonderfully sappy looks and complement him again and again in public, because this was fake. And that was all it would ever be. It would only ever be fake because in what alternate universe was he good enough for someone like Evan? Not this one, that was certain. 

He leaned into the mirror, brushing his curls out of his eyes. The bathroom lights were harsh and he closed his eyes, rubbing his palms against them before opening them again. 

It wasn’t a productive train of thought, and he knew that. He looked fine, he was fine, everything was fine. Except the brightness of the lights, what the fuck did the bathroom lights need to be so bright for?

He shook his head from the thoughts that were still trying to creep in. Thoughts that he wasn’t good enough, that Evan wouldn’t love him, that no one ever would. He shook his head again, like he was erasing an etch-a-sketch. 

“Evan is your friend,” he told the bathroom mirror. “Evan is your friend, and even if he doesn’t like you romantically, you’re friends, and that’s a good thing.”

Mirror-him didn’t look convinced. He didn’t feel convinced. He shrugged his sweater back on anyways, having ditched his Hawaiian shirt once the weather got a bit colder. He picked at a bit of skin by his thumbnail before stopping himself, opening the door and shoving his hands deep into his pockets.

He made his way back to the table they’d picked out, Evan having dashed out to grab his wallet from the car. He put an earbud in and hit play on his music— Taunt by Lovejoy. He hit the repeat button. He shook his head as if to clear the negativity from his mind one last time before looking up at the menu despite knowing exactly what he was going to order. 

Evan entered the restaurant again, wallet in hand, his dark brown eyes shining as he sat down.

“I’m back,” he told Jared.

“Damn, for real? I didn’t notice,” Jared joked. 

He shook his head, trying not to think about Evan and his freckles and his dark hair and brown eyes and stupid fucking perfect cheekbones and the freckles on his neck and every single thing about this boy that made him so perfect. Nope, he wasn’t going to think about the adorable stuttering he did when he got nervous or the way he bit his tongue slightly when he was thinking or his weird obsession with trees. He didn’t remember that one time Jared lent him a sweater and almost had a heart attack when he saw Evan wearing it. It didn’t matter that he’d stayed awake with him to talk and how he had gone through so much to reconcile their friendship during Evan’s gap year. 

It didn’t matter, because he wasn’t in love with Evan, and if he was, that didn’t matter. He wouldn’t think about it.

“You’re gonna get the Oreo milkshake, I’m guessing?” Evan teased. 

“You know it. And a small fry,” Jared said. Despite the fact that he got the Oreo milkshake every time, he was touched Evan had remembered. “What’re you getting?”

“Peanut butter milkshake and fries,” Evan said.“They make peanut butter milkshakes? I don’t know how to feel about that,” Jared laughed. “Neither did I, but I tried it and it’s amazing. Trust me.”

Jared shook his head disbelievingly.

“No, really! You’re trying it once it comes, it’s so good,” Evan said. 

“D’you want me to go up and order?” Jared asked.

“Would you?” Evan’s voice softened. So did Jared’s resolve to not be in love with his best friend.

“Of course. Hand over the coupon, idiot.”

Evan dug it out of his wallet and handed it to him and Jared went up, ordering quickly and sliding back into his seat.

“Anyway. We have an entire fake relationship to be planning,” Evan said.

“Take an earbud,” Jared responded, clicking open the case for his fake AirPods and passing the other one over before taking his music off repeat. “So. It all started because of my stunningly beautiful looks, I’d assume.”

“You’re an idiot,” Evan laughed. “Yeah, no, your dreamy eyes reeled me in. I’m like a fish stuck on a hook.”

“God, dude, you should collab with Taylor Swift.”

“Shut up.”

“No.”

One of the workers called out their number and Jared went up, grabbing the food and bringing it back to the table. Evan took a sip of his milkshake before pushing it over to Jared. “Just try it.” Jared shook his head, but took a sip.

“...Shit, you’re right,” he said. “This slaps.”

Evan laughed. If Jared could he would loop it forever and ever the way he looped his favourite songs on Spotify. 

“Told you,” Evan smirked as Jared handed his milkshake back and took a sip of his own. “So. How long have we been dating for?” 

“Let’s say… since last week. Last week is good. Maybe a couple days ago?”

“That works,” Evan hummed. “I feel like I should be taking notes.”

Jared grinned, pulling a notebook out of his backpack. “Start writing, loser.”

“Shut up.” Evan grabbed a pencil anyway. 

“Let’s say I asked you out, because I’m super brave and strong and funny and charismatic.”

“And humble,” Evan quipped.

“So true!”

“How’d we start dating?” Evan asked.

“Why do I have to decide?”

“You asked me out, remember?” 

“Shit, you’re right. Uh... photography class?” He suggested. “Sure. And why?”

“Why’d I ask you out?”

“Yeah.” 

“I realized I had to keep your eyes in my life?” He quoted Hamilton, trusting that Evan would get the reference without him having to name the musical. 

“Did you just quote Hamilton at me?”

“Yes.”

“I’m so glad my fake boyfriend is actually a late-18th-century rich white woman from New York.” 

“I am, aren’t I?” Jared quipped. “Nah, I asked you out because... I realized after what happened in senior year that I needed you around?” It wasn’t a lie. It was so, so true; it was the most honest thing he’d said in ages. “In… in photography class,” he decided.

“Why in photography class?” Evan asked. “I know you’re here for my confidence and ability to talk to strangers without shaking, but why that exact time?”

“No, I'm here ‘cause you’re a great person. Maybe I was taking pictures of you and I was like ‘shit, he’s so pretty and gorgeous and hot and incredible and-’”

“Shut up,” Evan laughed.

Jared’s expression of his feelings had been, thankfully, ignored. “No. And I was like, ‘I’ve got to ask him out right now or else.’”

“Let’s go with it,” Evan said. “We should go on dates, to solidify the whole… dating thing.”

At what point, he wondered, does it stop being fake dating? “What dates?” Jared asked aloud.

“Ah, the movies, maybe? It’s cliche, but y’know. It’s fun. And Starbucks, obviously.”

“Can we play Minecraft?” Jared asked, perking up.

“Hell yeah. Who are we going to be telling, by the way?”

“Um… Well, Caitlin, honestly. And I think my mom would be upset if I didn’t tell her, even if it’s not… y’know. True.”

“If people ask, I think we should tell them, as well,” Evan said.

“Should we tell Alana and Zoe?”

Evan hummed. “Like, the truth?”

“Yeah.”

“Um… I think so. If they can promise to keep the secret.”

Jared thought back to a night not too long ago where he’d slept over at Zoe’s place. The two of them had talked until five in the morning, and Zoe had told him some things she’d never told anyone. He’d opened up to her in return. He knew how well she could keep a secret.

“Yeah, they’ll be fine.”

“Good, good. How long do you think we should fake date?” Jared kind of felt like shit. It kind of felt like he was using Evan. Whatever. Evan said he was okay with it— Evan came up with the idea— he couldn’t wallow in self-pity like this. 

“Mmm… You dated Caitlin for a month, right?”

“Yep. A month too long, if you ask me.”

“Maybe a month or two, then? So she knows you’re serious.”

“Makes sense,” Jared said. 

The conversation quieted down, but it was calm, not the awkward silence Jared found himself in so often during high school. He wished he could go back, do it all again. 

“Wanna go to the movies on Saturday? As our first date?” That was a sentence he never thought he’d hear Evan say to him. It wasn’t real. But god, he could wish.

“Sounds good to me,” Jared said. He slurped loudly at his milkshake, trying to get the last bit out of the cup. “I think there’s a Star Wars rerun playing?”

“There is. Open captions, too.”

“Yoooooo,” Jared said. “Nice! Let’s go there, then. I’ll look up the time later.”

“Coolio.”

“Anything for my boyfriend.”

“Shut up,” Evan laughed, flicking a French fry at him.

“Oh, real mature, Hansen,” Jared grinned. He took a sip of his Oreo milkshake. “I'll get you for that, mark my words.”

“Oh, I’m absolutely terrified,” Evan teased. He grinned and dipped a fry in his milkshake, glancing up between strands of hair at Jared, who shifted his eyes to his own milkshake. 

“Of course you are, I’m terrifying. I’m a ball of fury.” 

“You’re like… four foot eight, but okay.”

“I’m five-two,” Jared protested. 

“And I’m five-nine, which is a lot taller than you. Shut up.”

“Fuck off,” Jared said. “Tall boy. I hate tall people. You know what, Hansen?”

“What?”

“I… haven’t gotten that far that, hang on.”

Evan snorted. “Idiot.”

“Loser.”

“Dumbass.”

“Nerd.”

“Geek.”

“Heterosexual.”

“Now that’s where you’ve crossed the line,” Evan joked. He picked up another French fry.

“Yeah, yeah, that was too mean,” Jared responded. 

“I dunno how I can forgive you for that one,” Evan continued, tilting his head to glance under the table before resting his feet on Jared’s lap. Jared fiddled with his shoelaces, trying to covertly untie them. “Stop untying my fucking shoes, idiot.”

“I’m not untying anything. And I completely understand; I wouldn’t be able to forgive me either.” 

“It just can’t be reconciled,” said Evan. “You passed the point of no return.” 

“The phantom of the opera is here, inside your mind,” Jared referenced. The other shoelace came undone.

“I’m going to kick you in the balls,” Evan said. “What was the point of untying my shoes.”

“What balls, Evan? Answer quick,” Jared joked.

“You’re an idiot,” Evan laughed. 

He was so beautiful when he smiled. Jared didn’t know how to cope with it. Luckily he didn’t have to embarrass himself stumbling through a response, as Evan asked, “How much couple-y stuff are we gonna be doing?” 

“Mmm, a lot around Caitlin, so she gets it through her head,” Jared said, “and I guess around other people a little bit, so they don’t get suspicious?”

“Yeah, yeah. That makes sense.”

Evan dipped a fry into his milkshake.

“Stop. There’s no way fries taste good in a peanut butter milkshake.”

“It does, I swear.” Evan pushed his milkshake over again. “Try it.”

Jared flattened his lips into a thin line in faux annoyance. “Fine.” He dipped a fry into the milkshake and tasted it. “…Fuck. You’re right again.”

Evan laughed, and god, he wished Evan would laugh like that all the time. Absently, he started to pick at the skin around his thumb again.

“I’m always right. It’s my thing.”

“Like how my thing is being super epic and cool, right?”

“Exactly, you get it,” Evan said. 

Jared was picking at the skin around his thumb, trying to fix an uneven part of the skin, when-

“Fuck,” he cut off what Evan was saying.

“You okay?”

He held up his thumb.

“Ah, lemme see if I have a bandaid.” Evan rustled through his wallet. “Fuck, sorry man. I usually have one.”

“It’s fine. I’ll be right back,” Jared said, cupping his other hand underneath in case the bleeding got worse. He made his way to the bathroom, running his thumb under the water before pressing a paper towel against it. He made a mental note to ask his therapist about upping his OCD meds, as the compulsion had barely gotten better.

The harsh lights glared down at him and he leaned against the bathroom door, staring into the mirror until he couldn’t quite tell who he was. God, he needed to pull it together, he absently noted. Of their own accord, his fingers were back picking at the skin around his thumbnails. He rocked back and forth on his heels for a second before shaking his head, trying to wake himself up. It worked good enough for him and he sighed. 

God, he wished his mind had chosen literally anybody else to fall in love with, someone who wasn’t Evan. Someone who didn’t try to carry around spare bandaids knowing Jared had a skin picking compulsion, someone who didn’t laugh too hard at his stupid jokes, someone who wouldn’t stay up all night talking to him on Discord and offer to date him, fake-date him. Someone who wasn’t Evan.

Chapter Text

“Hey, ‘Lana,” Jared greeted.

“Hey,” Alana responded, their voice crackling through the microphone. “What’s up? I saw you, like, moping outside earlier from my window.”

“I wasn’t moping,” Jared said. “I was walking around sadly.”

“Same thing, dude,” they said. “So, what’s got you walking around sadly?”

“It’s so fucking stupid, dude,” Jared said. He sighed, sitting down on the ground. The leaves crunched underneath him as he sat. 

Alana sighed. “Stop discrediting your emotions. It’s not stupid, whatever it is. What’s goin’ on?”

“So you know how you had a big gay crush on Zoe? If- if gay is a term you’re okay with still,” he rushed to add, as Alana had recently come out as nonbinary.

“Yeah, it’s fine, I still consider myself a lesbian. And yes, I know, I remember it very well.”

“How’d y’all start dating?”

Alana hummed. “She asked me out, normally, like normal people do.”

Jared stayed silent.

“We were watching a TV show and two girls kissed and she pointed to them and said ‘what if that was us?’”

“Damn, dude, your girlfriend’s got moves.”

“Why’d you ask about Zoe? I assume you’re not coming out as straight right now.”

Jared snorted. “Never. No, I, uh, so there’s this guy I like, right.”

“Have you considered asking him out?” Alana teased.

Jared laughed. “Shut up, shut up, let me explain. I can’t ask him out, right, because we’re fucking. We’re already dating.”

“Jared. Stop me anytime. But I don’t see the problem.”

Jared huffed in faux annoyance. “Shut up.”

“No.”

“Okay, so. The problem is here. It’s not a real relationship. It’s literally entirely fake. So I can get away from my creepy ex. And I’ve liked him since, like, eighth grade, so it’s… Well.”

“Oof,” Alana said, aptly summing up the situation. Jared picked a leaf up from the ground and rolled the stem between his thumb and first finger. “I assume you don’t want to ask him out because you don’t want to ruin the friendship?”

“Yep!”

“Well, I mean, there’s two options here. You could either ask him out and either make things weird for a couple weeks at most— genuinely, he cares about you, dude, he won’t be mad at you. Or you could hide it and feel bad about hiding it, but again. If your worry is that he’ll be mad at you, he won’t be. Ev is like… I don’t know, he’s the English major, I don’t want to make up a metaphor. He’s gentle, alright. He wouldn’t hurt a fly, or whatever.”

“I never said it was Evan,” Jared said. 

“It’s… very obvious,” Alana said. “I don’t think he knows, because he’s about as blind as you are. But, well. It’s very obvious.”

“Thanks,” Jared said, his voice dry but lacking any malice. 

“I think you should tell him,” Alana said, their voice quiet.

“Nope,” Jared responded immediately. “I don’t wanna fuck this up, y’know? We haven’t been this close in years, I just… don’t want to ruin anything.”

“You don’t have to,” Alana said. “But just know he wouldn’t leave you because of this. He’s put a ton of work in to heal you guys’ friendship, he wouldn’t throw it away because you have feelings for him.”

Jared shrugged. “Sorry, I shrugged, you can’t see me.”

Alana let out a half-laugh. “Do you want to ramble about how much you like him? Or do you need to be high to do that?”

“Fuck off, it was only once,” Jared laughed. “Nah, man, welcome to my Powerpoint presentation. I, god. He’s… I…”

“Wow. That was spectacular,” Alana said dryly.

“Shut up. He’s so… his eyes are just. Gorgeous. I, he, oh my God. I am gay. And his hair, god, it’s so, and he. And I.”

“Take your time,” Alana teased.

“Shut up. He’s just, he’s so pretty, dude. His hair, his eyes, his eyelashes, his arms, his hands, his fucking, his fucking hands, I don’t know, I’m just listing traits at this point. And like, deeper than fuckin’ like, surface level, the amount of work he did and is still doing to become a better person after senior year, and the way he holds himself now that he’s getting better, it’s just. I’m a big enjoyer of… well. Him. His fucking, his fucking voice, god, the man has me weak, I love his voice so much. The way he cares about people so much. The way he looks when he’s wearing one of my oversize sweaters. The way he fucking… cares about everyone and everything so passionately.” His rant over, Jared slumped back against the tree.

“Jared has a hand kink, not clickbait,” Alana said.

“Out of everything you just heard me say and that’s the conclusion you drew?”

“Well… yeah.”

“Shut up,” Jared laughed. He adjusted his headphones, rubbing the back of his head where it’d been pressing into his skin. 

“Jared?”

“Yeah?”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re gay?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Jared laughed. “I don’t deserve this. I’m a good gay, I pay my taxes.”

“Jared, my dearly beloved, are ‘shut up’ and ‘shut the fuck up’ the only phrases you know?”

“Fuck off,” Jared laughed.

“Can’t believe I forgot ‘fuck off,’” Alana said. “This is truly an awful day.”

Jared heard his phone buzz and flipped it over to see a message from the very person he was talking to.

four trans people walk into a groupchat

alana: jared is gay

jared: so true!

“Damn, I’m gay? Wish someone had told me,” Jared joked.

“I just did. You’re welcome.”

A ding.

zoe: woah wtf a gay person? in THIS groupchat? cringe… jared: shut up

alana: NO U

alana: no1 threatens my gf like this

jared: i didnt threaten her i just told her to shut up

alana: jared be like “shut up” “shut the fuck up” “fuck off”

jared: SHUT UP THE OFF FUCK.

zoe: dont u dare threaten my partner like this

evan: *shows up late with starbucks* wtf is happening here

Alana snorted on the other end of the call. “He’s amusing. Jared, come get your man.”

“Fuck off.”

alana: jared just said fuck off AGAIN

alana: oh context we r on call rn

evan: let me innnn I wanna talk to him it’s MY turn with the jared

“This your man?”

Jared ignored them.

jared: SHUT UP LMFAO

jared: evan we can kiss on the mouth later ok

jared: JOKEEEE JOKE JOKE JOKE SLASH J

zoe: MFJIHSFHJKJD

evan: LMAOO

“Okay, gay boy,” Alana said.

“Shut the fuck up, oh my god,” Jared rolled his eyes. “I hate you so much.”

A text from Evan, not in the main group chat. do you wanna tell them or should I?

He responded, can u tell them finger pointing left finger pointing right

evan: btw

evan: yall know caitlin yeah jared and i r fake dating to get her off his case

jared: 👍

evan: now let me talk to my bf alana. gun emoji

alana: LMAO FINE 🙄

“I’m hanging up on you,” Alana announced. “Put your boyfriend on a leash or something.”

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Didn’t ask. Bye, love you, take care!”

“You too!”

They disconnected and Jared laughed as he saw the notification that Evan had called him.

“Hey, idiot.”

“Jared Kleinman IRL? Not clickbait?”

“Shut up,” he laughed. “You talked to me, like, two hours ago.”

“Not clickbait! Holy shit,” Evan said.

“Shut up,” Jared said, dragging out the p. “I’m putting you in my pocket now.”

“I’ve been banished,” Evan responded immediately.

“You’ve been exiled. Never show at my doorstep.”

Evan laughed. 

God, this was nice. Just hanging out with Evan, making him laugh. It was nice. Just being friends with him, being at ease with him. And that, Alana, he thought, is why I won't tell him how I feel. 

Chapter Text

“You’ve got to think about how I feel.”

Startled, Jared flinched hard and spun around to see Caitlin standing above him. 

“What do you want,” he said.

“You’ve got to think about how I feel. I’ve been honest with you, Jared. I trusted you. And now you’re leaving me.”

“I already explained to you why I left,” Jared said, pushing past her and hurrying down the brick path. 

“Yeah, and it was bullshit. What we had was good,” Caitlin said, following right next to him.

“I am gay. I have a boyfriend. Please leave me alone,” he said, his voice wavering despite the effort to remain calm.

“You’re gay now, you said. Why would you date me if you’re gay?”

“I—”

“You sure seemed straight throughout the entire course of our relationship.”

“I wasn’t,” Jared said, holding his textbook to his chest. “Please leave me alone.”

“No, I want answers. If you’re gay, you wouldn’t have dated a woman, unless you’re a lesbian.”

“Leave me alone,” he said again, and he knew she was jabbing at him being trans, and it boiled his blood, and he just wanted to leave, or to run, or to bash his textbook over her head. “I don’t want to be with you, I never did, please, just…” he shrugged. Subconsciously slouched down. 

“Shut the hell up. You wanted all of it and more, we both know it.”

Jared looked up at her. A beat passed. “Leave me alone,” he said, and it was quieter than before. He picked up his phone, hand shaking a bit, and hit Evan’s speed dial number. “Sorry, my boyfriend’s calling me.”

“Hey,” Evan’s voice came through the speaker.

“Hey babe,” Jared said, and that and the shaking of his voice alone let Evan know something wasn’t alright. 

“Is something going on?”

“Yeah, of course,” he said, trying to keep his voice light.

“Caitlin?”

“Mhm.”

“Around where are you?”

“I’m between the two dorm buildings. I’ve got your, your keys you left, by the way.” Jared wasn’t good at this whole improv thing.

“I’ll be right there, okay? Don’t be afraid to hit her, I mean that. Tell her we’re going to Five Guys, and we’ll go to Starbucks, okay? And meet me behind other dorm building, I’ll be there in five.”

“Mhm, gotcha. Bye! Love you!”

“Love you too,” Evan said as he hung up, and for a second it felt like it wasn’t part of the façade.

“I gotta go. I’m meeting my boyfriend at Five Guys,” Jared said, and it wasn’t the time but he really, really liked the way the words my boyfriend rolled off his tongue.

“Fine,” she said, and for a moment she didn’t move, just stood in front of him, and she wasn’t that tall at only five-five but it felt like she towered over him.

“Caitlin,” he said, and his voice was only a little bit firmer than before. Finally, he pushed past her, taking a breath as he straightened his spine and tightened his grip on his textbook.

He made his way behind the dorm building as Evan had said, kicking his legs out in front of him and staring up at the sky. It was bright out, and the sun was uncomfortably warm, especially for November. He shrugged his sweater off and balled it up, holding it to his chest.

His phone buzzed with a notification from Evan: almost there dw

its ok, he responded.

Evan was there a minute later, collapsing next to him and shoving his bag to the side. “What happened, Jare?”

Jared could barely stand how kind Evan was, all the fucking time.

“She, basically, I was walking back to, to my dorm, from class, right. And she just started. Harassing me about why I left, saying I wasn’t gay because I dated her, that kind of thing. And I just,” he let out a shaky breath and wrapped his arms around his knees, “I didn’t… think seeing her would affect me. I didn’t think any of this affected me.” His breath caught, and he found himself panicking as he tried to take deeper breaths.

“Hey, hey, Jare,” Evan said. He took one of Jared’s hands and pressed it against his chest. “Breathe with me, okay?”

Evan took in deeper breaths, making them more exaggerated so Jared could follow with him. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m just,” Jared’s voice broke, and god it was embarrassing.

Evan shifted to hug him, and the touch was more than welcome. Jared tried to stop the tears from falling. “Fuck, man, it’s so ridiculous, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not ridiculous,” Evan said. “I don’t know everything that happened, but I know that if it were ridiculous, you wouldn’t be upset over it, okay?”

And that was a good point, and he buried his head in Evan’s shoulder, the other smelling like something he couldn’t quite place, something that smelled like home.

His breathing slowed, and he shifted, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

Evan brushed Jared’s hair out of his eyes and sat back. “You feel any better?” 

“Yeah. Thanks, Ev.” 

“Of course,” Evan said. “Do you… want to go to Starbucks?”

“Yeah, yeah,” slowly, he stood up, brushing dirt off his jeans and throwing his sweater back on. “Right now, or later?” 

“Right now, I mean, I’ve got my stuff,” Evan said. “Want to walk or drive?” 

“Let’s walk,” said Jared, nodding.

The walk there felt short. Maybe it was. Maybe it felt short because he was with Evan and everything was faster and brighter and louder and better with Evan. 

He ordered a pineapple black iced tea and a chocolate chip cookie and Evan ordered a peppermint mocha and a brownie — and oh fuck. 

“Fucking Caitlin, how’d she even find us,” Jared hissed.

Evan immediately switched chairs to sit next to Jared. “Shit,” he said, aptly summing up the situation.

“What do couples even do,” Jared mumbled, panicked.

“I don’t know, dude, I’ve been in one relationship and she doesn’t even like men after all.”

“Zoe’s a lesbian?” Jared asked. “That’s so far off the point, but.”

“Poly, I think? She likes everyone but men.”

“You did that, that’s your fault,” Jared joked.

“Fuck off.” The words carried no malice.

“She’s definitely watching us,” Jared said, referring to Caitlin. “Fuck, dude, what do couples do?”

“Hold hands? Kiss? I don’t fucking…”

Jared’s phone buzzed and he picked it up.

[Unknown Number]: so it’s true. you’ve got a boyfriend.

“Jesus fucking christ,” he said, sending the same sentiment through text.

Caitlin turned towards them, and Jared tried not to look at her.

“No homo,” Evan mumbled, and Jared was suddenly so very aware of how close they were to each other. Gently, so fucking gently, Evan put his fingers on Jared’s chin, tilting his head up, and then.

And then they were kissing, and Evan tasted like that peppermint drink he always got, and he felt like home, and his lips were just as soft as Jared had imagined they’d be, the rare days he let himself wonder.

The two of them broke apart. Jared didn’t quite know what to say. He tended to script out most of his social interactions aside from with his friends, and right now, he really, really wished he’d learnt a script for Crush of nearly six years kisses you in front of your abusive ex-girlfriend.

Caitlin stalked out of the Starbucks, and Jared blinked. “I… can’t believe Caitlin is homophobic.”

Evan leaned forward as he laughed, his forehead colliding with Jared’s collarbone. “Shut up, shut the fuck up,” he laughed.

Jared shifted back, and Evan gave an awkward half-laugh as he readjusted in his seat. “Okay. Let’s not be weird,” Evan said. Or begged. “Please.”

“I won’t if you won’t,” Jared said. He shrugged his sweater off, the sun still shining through the window.

“D’you want me to buy you another cookie?”

Jared melted. “I— yeah, if you—”

“I’m doing it,” Evan said, grabbing his wallet and getting up.

Jared grabbed his phone.

to: alana

jared: ALANA

jared: wake up

alana: ive been awake since 6am what do u want

alana: /lh

jared: i uh. kissed Evan

alana: WHAY

alana: HUH

alana: WHAT?????

alana: EXPLANATION? PLZ?

jared: long story short. post anxiety attack starbucks visit in which caitlin shows up and wont stop staring at us and she texts me like sO iTs TrUe U hAvE a Bf and so evan kissed me.

alana: im so?? how was it???

jared: would definitely kiss him again. 100/10

jared: gtg love ya

alana: ly2

Evan sat back down, bag in hand, and slid it over to Jared. 

“Thanks, man,” Jared said. 

“You ever need anything, I’m here,” Evan said.

“You got any mental stability?” 

“Yeah, I’ve got like twelve dollars,” Evan amended. 

“Twelve dollars and you’re pretty, so that’s a plus,” said Jared. 

Evan laughed. It was Jared’s favourite song. He’d listen to it forever if he could. He wanted to always be the one to make him laugh like that. 

“Yes, I am very pretty. You’re right,” Evan said. 

“So true,” Jared said.

“Gay.”

“You’re really lucky I’m still fake dating you,” Jared responded. 

“Hey. I’m the best fake boyfriend you’ve ever had.”

Jared paused. “That’s… fine. Okay. You’re right.”

Evan laughed again, and god, god Jared had fallen so hard. 

Maybe Alana was onto something. Even if this couldn’t be real, they could still be friends. At least he didn’t have to let go of Evan completely.

Chapter Text

The wind was blowing softly but not nearly as soft as the feeling of Evan’s lips against his own had been and even thinking about it brought a blush to Jared’s cheeks.

Evan was rambling on about every tree he saw — “Jared, look at this one, I know it looks like an oak tree, but it’s not, see!” — and Jared was listening to him and actually learning because apparently he had fallen far too deep. 

“—And did you know apples are a part of the rose family?” 

“You’ve said that like five times," said Jared, but he was smiling. Evan grinned back at him. “You’ve gotta admit that's cool.” 

“It is,” Jared agreed. Evan tossed an unripe apple up and down as he walked. 

“Look, there’s an oak — and a maple — holy shit that’s tall — oh, and there’s a cypress, I wonder why the types of trees here are so diverse!” 

“Maybe seeds blew over from other places during a tornado or something?” 

Evan pointed at him. “See, my boyfriend is smart!” He said this loudly, as if there were a chance of anyone from their school hearing. 

“Yes I am,” Jared affirmed at the same volume. 

“Wanna lie down and pretend we’re in a super cliché high school movie?” 

“Hell yeah,” said Jared. 

Evan grinned and sat down cross-legged in the grass with all the eloquence of a little kid. It was one of the cutest things he’d ever seen. 

He sat down next to Evan, who promptly rocked back and smiled at him, lying on his back. “C’mon, lie down with me,” said Evan. 

Jared did, pulling out his phone and handing Evan a knockoff earbud. “Pick a song.”

“Oh god, shit, uh…”

“Pick a playlist?” Jared offered.

“Yeah, yeah. God, I don’t know what you titled it, but the one that’s got, like, Lorde and Troye Sivan and the 1975?”

“Uh, kids riding their bikes in movies-core?”

“That’s the one!” Evan grinned. Jared hit play on the first song and Evan rolled over, looking at him. Jared rolled over to face him. 

It was going to ruin him. It was going to destroy him from the inside out, being in love with this boy. 

He sighed and picked a dandelion, contemplating whether to tuck it behind Evan’s ear before deciding, “I'm making a flower crown.” 

He sat up and reached for other flowers and began to knit them together. Evan watched, fascinated, for a couple seconds before grabbing some flowers and making his own. 

Jared’s hands stilled as he watched the way Evan’s fingers carefully knotted each stem. They were gorgeous fingers, in all honesty, Alana’s jokes aside. His nails were perfectly manicured and his nail beds weren’t bleeding from biting them and picking at them like Jared’s. His hands were soft, Jared knew from experience. He had a scar on his left thumb from sixth grade when he tried to cut a bagel and failed horribly. 

He realized he’d been staring at Evan’s hands for longer than was socially acceptable and went back to his flower-crown knitting. It took longer than he remembered, but only because his head was bigger now so he needed more flowers. Not because he was a little distracted by Evan and his hands and the way he bit his tongue when he got to a particularly hard knot to tie. It was just because he needed more flowers now. 

Once he finished he grinned and placed it on Evan’s head, balancing it over his soft brown curls. 

“Beautiful,” he said, grinning so Evan didn't know how serious he was being. Because god, he was gorgeous. 

Evan smiled back at him for a second before going back to making the crown. Jared slid his phone out of his pocket and snapped a couple of pictures, the first few of Evan still focused, the last few of him looking up and grinning at the camera. The grin faded into a sheepish smile and Jared felt like he might die right there on the spot. 

“Does it look good?" Evan asked. 

“It looks great,” said Jared, and continued, because he was an idiot, “it looks really good, I mean, you look really good, it’s, it’s, I like it. A lot. Sorry.” 

Evan‘s smile grew. “Thanks,” he mumbled. He glanced down to tie the last few knots on his and then picked it up, placing it on Jared’s head, grabbing his phone and taking a couple pictures. “Gorgeous,” Evan said, grinning. 

“Copyright Taylor Swift, studio album number six entitled ‘Reputation,’ stylized as ‘reputation,’ November 2017.” 

Evan snorted. “Shut up, why are you like this?”

“I don’t know, but you love me.”

Evan’s voice softened, or at least Jared liked to think it did. “Yeah. I do.”

Jared stared down at the lone dandelion he was holding. “Love you too.”

Evan smiled, and Jared couldn’t really see him from where he was intently staring at the flower, so he took a risk and glanced up and yep, worth it, because Evan’s smile was beautiful. Evan grinned at him and rested his head on his arms, his eyes fluttering closed. 

Jared gazed at him, at this boy with his tan skin and long eyelashes and light freckles and soft lips — his lips had been so soft, god — 

He glanced away but his eyes were drawn back to the beautiful boy lying next to him. Evan’s eyes fluttered open. 

“I should really buy a pair of dark jeans,” he said out of nowhere.

“What?” Jared laughed. 

“For the aesthetic. Since I'm such a bad boy.” 

Jared snorted. “And I’m a child of Jesus.” Although he had to admit, the mental image of Evan in dark jeans and one of his stupid blue button-downs half-undone was not a bad one. 

“Yeah, fair,” Evan said. He smiled again. 

His lips were barely three inches away from Evan’s. Everything inside him was screaming for him to kiss him. They were so close. 

“I missed you. When we were fighting,” he mumbled instead. 

“I missed you too,” Evan said, just as quietly. 

“It was... It was really hard,” Jared said. And Evan knew how badly he’d struggled senior year and the year after, before they begun to work on their friendship. And Jared knew he couldn’t say the words again. 

“I know,” Evan said. He sighed. “I’m glad we’re not fighting.”

“Me too,” Jared said.

The two of them sat in silence for a moment. The song changed, and Ribs by Lorde began to play.

“Look how far we’ve come, man, since senior year,” Evan said.

Jared wrapped the stem of a dandelion around his finger.. “I’m proud of you, man, genuinely.”

“I’m proud of you too.”

Chapter Text

[Sunday 19 November 23:00]

Chat: jared and alana

jared: alana i

jared: i am so in love with him

alana: im aware

jared: [Evan+sunshine=gay.jpg]

alana: yes yes he’s pretty

jared: we made fucking flower crowns Alana

alana: Gay

jared: do u see my problem

alana: yah you're scared to tell ur best friend that u’ve got a mASSIVE emotional boner for him

Jared snorted. 

jared: I disapprove of the use of the phrase “emotional boner”

jared: no thanks

alana: It's true though

jared: shut up we cant all be cool like u /s

jared: yeah well we’re not all cool

alana: hey I'll have u know my gf thinks i'm cool

jared: sources?? :/

alana: [zoe_am_i_cool.mp4]

The video was a zoomed-in video of Zoe on her bed, reading a psychology textbook. 

“Zoe, am I cool?” Alana asked.

Zoe didn’t look up from her textbook. “Mhm. You’re so cool, babe.” The video ended with a giggle from Alana.

jared: ok fine -_-

alana: ask him out

alana: please

alana: ur pining is killing me

alana: PLEASE

jared: no

jared: anyway did u know im in love with the most attractive human on this earth

alana: you’re in love with my gf?????????

alana: hi this is zoe im so sorry about my partner sdlkfjsklf

alana: IMBACK zoe stole my goddamn phone

alana: now she wants to know who ur in love with

jared: your mom HAHAHA

alana: You can't see it but zoe is now googling “hot dog slicers overnight shipping”

jared: JKFHVGDLSHFKSDKJHFJKD

jared: i’ll leave my packer under the door for her to slice <3 /j

alana: SFUKLGVKDFJV

jared: it’s true ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

alana: mnhjfdjf shut up only ppl who have partners r allowed to make jokes abt dicks /j

jared: HEY. RED CARD RED CARD

alana: love u too 

He threw his phone down, laughing to himself, but his smile dimmed as he thought about the whole situation. God, this was kind of fucked, wasn’t it. He was pretty much using Evan, and Evan had suggested it, but it still was… well, he felt bad.

He laid back, staring up at the ceiling. God, he felt like shit. He felt like he’d been run over by a bus. The feeling had hit all at once, and he felt like death, like felt like he was drowning in a cloud of… nothing and everything all at once.

He rolled over, facing his desk on the opposite side of the room. He felt foggy, far away from everything, and that wasn’t a good sign. 

Empty Starbucks cup on his desk. Sweater he’d never put away. Was he spiraling and just unable to see it? Was he getting worse without noticing?

His textbook for computer science and underneath it, the DBT book his therapist had given him. And it didn’t feel worth it, but god, maybe if he got up he would feel better, maybe he could find a worksheet or something to do, at least distract himself from the feeling of his entire body being weighted down as though he was suffocating on his bed.

He wrapped his blanket around his shoulders and made his way over to his desk, putting his textbook on the ground and opening to the dog-eared page of his DBT book.

He stared down at the page, waiting for the words to make sense. Creating a new emotion swum up through the blurry paragraphs. 

He vaguely remembered that. It was hard to think when his brain turned into soup but he knew what the words meant: do something that makes you feel the opposite of how you feel now.

Something that made him feel good. Talking to Evan.

And there it was, there was the problem, that was what he’d thought right before it felt as though he were being smothered in nothingness. Talking to Evan.

It wasn’t rational, and he knew it. He wasn’t using Evan, and he wasn’t a bad person for talking to Evan. 

He pulled his favourite headphones on, the white ones that were comfortable enough for him to sleep in, and clicked shuffle on his most recent playlist.

A notification, from Evan. 

evan: hi to the best bf ever

jared: shut up loser

jared: how are ya doin i was just gonna text u. no reason just felt like being a nuisance <3

evan: tbh i am not great

evan: if its not like a problem would i be able 2 come over? its one of those nights lol I dont feel like being alone rn 😎

jared: yea ofc! tbh am also having one of those nights

evan: alright alright is it ok if im over in like. 15m?

jared: ya sure! see u then

Jared bit his lip and got up, flicking on the lights and adjusting his t-shirt. He paced around his room. He knew Evan was fine, was safe, and if he wasn’t safe he wouldn’t have texted, but the worry still bubbled up. 

The knock at the door came fifteen minutes after Evan’s last text and he jumped up, unlocking the door.

“Ev!” He greeted. 

Evan closed the door softly behind him and enveloped Jared in a hug. Jared buried his face in Evan’s shoulder. 

“I'm sorry to like, bother you or anything,” Evan said. “It’s been an off night, I don’t really… yeah.”

“You don’t have to be sorry, dude. Don’t worry.”

Evan hummed a little bit. “It’s easier when people don’t care,” he said, and his voice sounded far too light for the words he’d just said. Evan pulled back and sat down on the end of Jared’s bed. 

“D’you want to talk about it?” Jared asked. He took Evan’s hand and rubbed circles into his palm.

“I’ve. Been having flashbacks a bunch, and stuff. About, like. People doxxing me and showing up at my house back in senior year. Fun stuff, y’know.”

“I’m sorry, man,” Jared said.

“I don’t even— like, it feels useless talking about it, because I’ve gone over it in therapy so I should be over it.”

“The feelings don’t go away just because you talk about them,” Jared said gently. 

“It’s hard,” Evan said. He took a shaky breath. “I’m sorry. For interrupting your night, and stuff.”

“You don't need to be. There’s nothing for you to be sorry about,” Jared said. And he meant it. “I’d much rather you hang with me and feel somewhat less shitty than sit in your door room alone and feel worse, y’know?”

“Yeah,” Evan said. He sighed. “I’m just sad and I don’t know why, and it all just hit me at once. I don’t know.”

“Mental illness is like that,” Jared said. “I’m glad I was awake.”

“I’m glad too. Even if I’d prefer you got enough sleep.”

“I’m always here for you, man, you know that.”

“I do,” Evan confirmed. “I do know that.”

Evan sighed and brushed his hair out of his eyes. “Anyway. I'm in the mood to love and appreciate a close friend of mine.”

“Funny, ‘cause so am I.”

“The only class I want to go to tomorrow is ‘Loving And Appreciating Jared Kleinman' class. Oh, wait. I’ve already aced that.”

“Aww,” said Jared, only mostly kidding. “Shut up. I graduated ‘Loving And Appreciating Evan Hansen’ class a long time ago. See, the test was to list all your best qualities, and we had five hundred sheets of paper, and after I’d used them all I realized I'd broken my wrist from writing too fast.”

“I thought it was from jerking off too much.”

Jared tried and failed to stutter out a response, laughing.

“Just showing you how it feels,” Evan grinned.

“Are you seriously holding that against me? It was a stupid joke and it’s been over two years. Hansen,” he joked back, emphasizing the use of Evan’s last name.

“Your reaction was so funny, though. I'll start doing it more often. Kleinman.”

Jared stuck his tongue out and Evan said, “I swear to God I will bite it off someday.”

“You better not.”

“Oh, you’re so cute,” said Evan, and Jared was too busy fighting down his blush to come up with a response.

“Fuck off,” said Jared, eloquently. He stumbled over his words. “Fuck you. Do you wanna watch Netflix or something? Youtube?” 

Evan laughed at him, his nose crinkling. “Wanna watch Buzzfeed Unsolved?”

“Sounds good to me,” Jared said. He pulled his laptop up from under his bed to pull up the show.

*

“It’s so late, dude,” Jared said as the clock ticked over to four in the morning.

“Says Mr. Stays Up Until Sunrise Every Day,” Evan responded.

“I wish I didn't enjoy getting dragged by you,” Jared joked, suppressing a smile.

“Kinky.”

“Fuck off.”

“But you're right. We should go to sleep,” Evan said, rubbing at his eyes. 

“You can stay over,” Jared said immediately, not even questioning it.

“Are you sure?” He asked.

“Of course.” Jared glanced over at him. “You okay with sharing a bed, or?

“Yeah, it’s cool. You’re tiny anyway.”

“Fuck you, tall boy, I hate tall people.” Jared grumbled.

“Shut up,” Evan responded.

“Fuck you, that’s the thing I say to everyone, not you.” Jared elbowed him, and Evan laughed.

“Fuck you, idiot,” he responded.

Jared shook his head, grinning fondly, as he closed the laptop they’d been watching YouTube on.

The two of them got ready for bed, Evan throwing on one of Jared’s oversized hoodies to sleep in. Jared laid facing the wall, feeling Evan’s comforting presence next to him.

“Hey, wait,” Evan said. He reached over, pulling Jared’s glasses off. “Don’t sleep in these, they’ll break.” 

Jared smiled at him. The domesticity crushed his heart into a million pieces. “Thanks.”

“‘F’course,” Evan responded. “G’night,” he said. The other boy's eyes fluttered closed and Jared sighed.

“Good night,” Evan mumbled, and Jared could feel his breath on the back of his neck and shivered, just a little.

Jared sighed and wrapped his right arm around himself, trying not to think too much about Evan or how close he was to Jared. Tantalizingly, achingly close.

Jared, don’t think about it.

He buried himself deeper into his pillow and Evan shifted, just slightly, and then he shifted again. Jared was hyper aware of the fact that his back was now touching Evan’s chest and, and Evan had put an arm over Jared, holding him closer, and Jared had no way of knowing if he was awake or not.

He slid closer, near-perceptibly, until the two of them were curled up against each other.

Maybe it was selfish of him. But he could be selfish for one night. He could slide closer to Evan for one night. He could pretend he was okay for one night.

He could fall asleep in Evan’s arms for one night. But come morning he would let go. 

Chapter Text

Jared had decided he was not, in fact, a fan of Zoe Murphy. He decided this at nine in the morning, hearing a loud knock and Zoe’s voice shouting “Rise and shine, homos!” from outside the door.

“What the fuck?” He mumbled.

“Good question,” Evan said.

Jared rolled out of bed and answered the door, trying to portray irritation on his face. 

“Hi, Zoe.”

She looked from him to Evan and back again. “Fun night?” Jared could hear the wink.

“Not really,” he grumbled. 

“Well, it’s a new day today!” She responded. “Good morning to my favorite bisexual person and my second-favorite gay person!”

“If you want to date me you can just ask,” Jared quipped. 

“Why are you here at — nine in the morning?” Evan asked.

“Alana and I texted you like twenty times to ask if you wanted to go to the movies today and see Star Wars.”

“My phone’s on mute, how would we know?” Jared grumbled.

“Sure, but why’d you have to wake us up?” Evan asked.

“Because the eleven-thirty showing is cheaper and has open captions, that’s why. We talked about going and then never said so for certain. You guys in?”

“If Evan’s in, I’m in,” Jared said.

“Evan’s in,” Evan said.

“Sounds good,” said Zoe.

Evan grabbed his phone and Jared’s phone lit up a second later with a “we’re in” text from Evan, and then another, “alana im gonna kill ur gf.” With the second text came the loudest fucking text tone known to man.

“Your phone’s on mute,” Zoe repeated dryly, smirking.

Jared finally pulled himself up, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders. “No, I — I — It’s on mute — I have the thing — It’s — It’s set so Evan’s texts — so Evan’s texts are louder—!” He protested, his heart rate spiking. “And they ring if he texts twice — even — even if ‘don’t disturb’ is on—!”

Zoe laughed. “No, it’s fine, I believe you, it’s just your stuttering is really funny,” she grinned, not unkindly. 

“Hey—!”

“You have my texts on emergency bypass?” Evan asked, sounding touched.

Jared stuttered out something that wasn’t really an answer or probably even vaguely resembling a word.

“I'm going to let you do your weird gay bonding ritual thing,” Zoe said. “Meet me and Alana there at eleven-fifteen at the latest or I’ll slap Jared.”

“Why me?!”

“Because Evan’s actually nice.” With that, Zoe turned on her heel and closed the door.

“Well,” said Jared.

“You... have me on emergency bypass.”

“I don’t know what that means? But probably, yeah.”

“It’s the thing,” said Evan, gesturing lamely to Jared’s phone.

“Oh,” said Jared.

The awkwardness was palpable.

“Why?” Evan asked, and the word came out nearly a whisper.

“In... In case you needed me? Like last night?” Jared swung his legs back and forth, staring intently at the blankets.

“That’s... actually really sweet,” Evan said.

Jared tried and failed to not blush. “Can we go back to sleep now?”

“No, we’re doing a ‘weird gay bonding ritual.’” Evan laughed, and Jared did too. “But I guess we can lie down. As long as you don’t fall asleep. Zoe would kill you.”

Jared laughed. “No, that’s true. Okay, c’mere.” He flopped onto the bed and Evan followed a second later, propping his head up on a fist and looking down at Jared. “Can’t believe she woke us up,” Jared grumbled.

“The audacity.” Evan propped himself up on his elbows, grinning. “I’m a Zoe Hater.”

“Oh, we’re being relatable today. We’ve chosen relatability.”

“Of course, of course.”

The two of them talked about nothing for a few minutes before Jared asked, “What time is it?” Evan checked his phone. “Ten-twenty-four.”

“We should probably get going so Alana doesn’t kill us.”

“Does it really take an hour to get there?”

“We gotta be there by eleven fifteen, remember? Or else I get slapped.”

“Ah, right,” said Evan.

“Oh fuck,” Jared said. “You don’t have any of your stuff with you — no, you know what? Just borrow some of my clothes.”

“You sure?" Evan asked.

“Yeah, it's fine,” said Jared, although he was already low-key having a heart attack over the mental image of Evan in his clothes. “I buy a size up so hopefully things will fit. Tallass.”

“Shut up, loser. They might fit, but will I look like a white dad on summer vacation?”

“Yes,” Jared said. “And you’ll enjoy it.”

“Shut up,” Evan said, but he was grinning.

Jared bounced up. “Grab something,” he said. “You’re not that tall, it’ll fit, probably.” He still hadn’t figured out how/where/when they were going to be changing but whatever. It didn’t matter.

For himself he grabbed ripped black jeans and a white tank top, and his lightest flannel to put on over that. He pulled his favourite red Converse out of the closet too.

“Your shoes are gay," Evan said.

“Yeah, they just came out of the closet.”

“I was gonna say because they’re Converse,” said Evan.

“You’re right, you’re right,” Jared said.

“So how are we gonna do this?” Evan asked.

Jared finger-gunned at him. “Not sure yet.”

“I won’t look if you don’t,” Evan said, but it was more of a question.

“Alright," said Jared. He pulled on his clothes in a daze: his mind begging him to not think about Evan. Which, to be fair, was not that much of a change from normal. He tugged on his flannel and the bent down to tie his shoes. 

He bent down to tie his shoes and stop fucking thinking about Evan Hansen. “You ready?” Evan asked.

“Yeah,” he said, tying his second shoe and turning around and oh, he was fucked, he was so fucked, he was so, so, so fucked. Evan was gorgeous, he was so gorgeous, and him wearing Jared’s clothes wasn’t helping.

He took a deep breath.

Evan ran his fingers through his hair.

Fuck.

“Do I look okay?” He asked and Jared wanted to tell him just how okay he looked, but instead he just said “Yeah,” because he didn’t trust himself to speak.

“Thanks,” he said, and then, “you look good. Nice.”

“Thanks,” Jared echoed, and oh god now things were awkward. Great.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” said Evan.

“Mkay. Ignore the framed photo of Gerard Way.”

Evan laughed. The second he’d left the room Jared let out a frustrated groan and collapsed on his bed. This was not okay, this was not at all acceptable. He grabbed his headphones and hit play on Helpless from the Hamilton soundtrack before closing the app and texting Alana.

[Monday 20 November 10:29] Chat: jared and alana

jared: alana idk whta to do he’s so cute pelase help

alana: hahaha ur fucked dude

jared: no i mean he's really fucking cute today hE’S WEARING MY CLOTHES ALANA

alana: ok first of all stop panicking

alana: secondly you're so fucked my guy

alana: whats he wearing king its ok

jared: oh my god okay so he’s got this tank top and it’s like dark red and it’s mine and it looks rEALLY REALLY HOT ALANA IM FUCKED alana I'm dying I am DYING, also fuckign he has nice hair okay like it’s rly cute HELP I GAY

alana: hfskgdfjgvfdgv “i gay”

alana: jared I think you might be gay

alana: u my guy are in some deep shit

jared: he’s coming back gtg thanks for your “help” ig 🙄 

He’d heard Evan's footsteps as the song faded out and shoved his headphones down to his neck. Evan... still looked amazing. Goddamnit.

*

About halfway through the peaceful drive (if watching Evan drive and going fucking crazy trying not to think about how goddamn hot he looked could be considered peaceful) he received a text from Zoe. 

[Monday 20 November 10:56]

Chat: four trans losers walk into a gc

zoe: yo uhhh apparently caitlin told the entire fuckin school about jared and evan while we weren’t listening and alex and her gang are here so be prepared to act gay

zoe: not that u aren't already

jared: shit ok thanks 

He relayed the message to Evan, who groaned. “Goddamnit, Caitlin.”

“You had one job, Caitlin,” Jared added.

“THERE WERE RAPTORS ALL UP IN THE GODDAMN KITCHEN!” Evan quoted.

“THIS WASN’T AMATEUR HOUR!” Jared responded

The two of them found themselves in peals of laughter a few seconds later, Evan leaning back in his seat and hitting the gas pedal, and Jared found his breath stolen from his lungs.

Evan grinned at him and Jared checked the speedometer. They were going sixty in a forty-five mph zone.

“Nice,” he said. “Illegal, but nice.”

“Mhm,” Evan said, and Jared tried to burn the image of Evan in his clothes with that carefree smile on his face into his memory forever. Because holy fuck. His tank top was slipping off one shoulder a little and showing a slight tan line and the strap of his binder and the freckles that covered his shoulders and back and Jared was ready to have a homosexual heart attack and keel over dead right there in the car.

They were there ten minutes later, neon lights of the signs in the lobby blinding them. Alana and Zoe were already there, sitting at one of a few tables in the lobby.

“We bought your tickets,” said Zoe. “Now be gay. Alex is right there.”

Jared and Evan both turned to see Alex, Lauren, Mikki, Sami, and four or five other girls who hung out with Caitlin standing there, half of them looking towards Evan and Jared.

Jared grinned up at Evan and grabbed both his hands. “We’re saying very gay things to each other,” he mumbled. Evan glanced over his shoulder and back to Jared.

“They’re all watching us,” Evan informed him. “I hate it here.”

“Kiss, kiss, kiss,” Alana chanted under their breath from behind them.

“Fuck off,” Jared said, and to Evan, “Alana’s a third grader.” But he stood on his toes and pressed a kiss to Evan’s lips, heart racing so fast he thought it might beat right out of his chest.

“They’re still looking, God,” Evan said after a second as Jared rocked back onto his heels. “No, wait, I'm putting you on the table.”

“You’re what?”

Evan grinned at him and picked him up, placing him on the table and kissing him again. The fact that Evan could pick him up brought a blush to his cheeks.

He’d never been kissed this many times by the same guy before. It was... a lot. Especially because it was Evan and he was wearing Jared’s clothes and he really couldn’t get over that and oh fuck, don’t react, pretend you don’t care, fuck—

He pulled Evan closer to him and the boy was a surprisingly good kisser, using just the right amount of tongue. He tasted like mint today. Jared hoped his breath tasted okay — he hadn’t even thought of that, shit.

He thought he might spontaneously combust when one of Evan’s hands slid from his hips, where it had been, to his thigh, and the other boy kept kissing him. How was he keeping calm?! Jared was about to moan, embarrass himself, and have to move to Washington and change his name again. He shivered and tried to pretend he hadn’t, pulling Evan closer by his shirt s instead, every noise in the room a reminder that this was all fake, but oh god even if his mind had almost gotten the message his heart sure hadn’t. When he rested a hand against Evan’s chest, the other boy gasped, just a little, but enough to make Jared’s heart triple its speed.

He pulled away and smiled sappily at Evan, who smiled sappily back at him with cheeks so red Jared thought he might be on fire. His were probably the same colour, though; he couldn’t judge. 

“They’re still watching,” Evan said incredulously. “I genuinely— go watch porn or something, I hate cishets.”

“That’s enough making out,” Alana said, grabbing Jared by the back of his shirt. “Find some other disgustingly gay thing to do.”

“The only disgusting thing is heterosexuality,” said Zoe.

“So true!” Alana said. 

Evan grinned at them and hopped up on the table next to Jared, and was soon joined by Zoe and Alana. 

“Should we go in?” Jared asked.

“No, you need to get food,” said Zoe. “You gotta hold hands and argue over money and be a gross annoying couple.”

“Who's paying?” Evan asked.

“I will,” Jared said.

“No, I am.”

“Why’d you even ask, then?”

“To be polite. Idiot.”

“I'm paying.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yeah I—”

“Boys, please,” said Alana. “I meant for you to argue within earshot of our classmates. And Evan pays this time, Jared pays next time. Okay?”

Jared sighed. “Okay.” 

“Okay!” Evan flung an arm over Jared’s shoulder and jumped off the table. Jared slid down and grabbed Evan’s arm, pulling it off his shoulder and holding his hand as tightly as possible. He glanced over to the girls, who were all still fucking watching. He heard Sami say “it’s like a fanfic in real life” and gritted his teeth, shoving his hands in his pockets to avoid punching her in the face. 

“Cringe,” Alana mumbled, the word hissed as though it were a swear. 

Jared was pretty sure he saw Zoe flip Sami off but elected to ignore it to prevent an incident.

“They’re so nosy,” he responded before putting on his fake smile and sauntering up to the counter. 

“What can I get you today?” The lady at the counter asked, smiling.

“Can we get a large popcorn and two Mountain Dews?” Jared asked, knowing that although Evan’s social anxiety was getting better, he still wasn’t comfortable ordering food.

“Coming right up!” The lady said, then leaned over the counter and smiled. Her name tag said Lydia. “My girlfriend and I think you’re really cute together, by the way.”

Evan ducked his head, smiling, and Jared grinned. “Thank you,” he said.

God. Running into other queer people in public never got old. Especially as someone who lived in Texas. He’d never forget the first time he saw a gay couple in real life after he realized he was gay. 

Lydia came back with their popcorn and drinks and Jared disentangled his hand from Evan’s to grab the popcorn.

“Thank you,” he smiled, taking the change she handed him back.

“You’re welcome. Have a nice day!”

“You too!” Jared beamed, a sentiment echoed by Evan.

The two of them sauntered back and Jared grinned, bouncing on his toes. “She’s gay too!”

“That’s statistically pretty likely,” said Alana thoughtfully, but she was grinning. “Awesome!”

“Nerd,” said Zoe.

“I know,” Alana said.

“You two are sickening,” Jared said.

“At least we didn't make out on a table in public for like ten minutes,” Alana shot back.

Jared blushed. “It wasn’t ten minutes, and that’s different, and you know it!”

She snickered. “Let’s go watch the movie.”

“Hang on,” said Evan, who had become sucked into his phone. “I'm telling my mom about me and Jared.”

“The truth?” Zoe asked.

“Nope. You two are the only ones that know,” Evan said, nose buried in his phone. "Jared, proofread this, make it sound casual, my hands are shaking.”

Jared took the phone from him, leaning against his shoulder. 

[Monday 20 May 11:14] Chat: Ev and mom Mom: how have you and Jared been doing? I haven’t heard you talk about him in a while! [draft] Ev: It’s a ffunny story actually because we’re dating now :) I was really nervous to tell you 

Jared bit his lip and edited it. “This good?” 

[draft] Ev: It’s a funny story actually, I’ve been a little nervous to tell you but we’re dating now! :) 

“And with that, kids, we go in!” Alana proclaimed. 

Alex’s gang was going to the same movie as them, of fucking course, so Jared was involved in the world’s shittiest performance of performed love hiding how he really felt, for the entire theatre to see.

It was hiding the real thing inside of the real thing. It was a real diamond inside of a fake diamond; it was reality hidden in a fictional, distorted view of itself. It was an Inception of love, rather than dreams. Evan grabbed his hand at one point and Jared felt himself melting. When Evan’s thigh pressed against his own and Evan didn’t move it he thought he might collapse.

His phone buzzed with a text — he'd silenced it but left vibrate on and turned the brightness down just in case. 

[Monday 20 November 12:31]

alana: Gay

jared: u know what fucl u what’d i even do to deserve this D:

alana: “Fucl”

jared: off ur phone we’re in a theatre

alana: Just had to point out that you’re gay

jared: actually i'm changing my middle name to “gay” jsyk 

alana: What is it rn

jared: Sky

alana: Nice but “gay” is more true :p

jared: thanks i chose it myself. whats urs

alana: Phoenix

jared: thats pretty

alana: Thanks I chose it myself

jared: 10/10 good trans joke (that u stole from me just now)

alana: ur welcome

jared: now get off ur goddamn phone ♡ 

He was about to take his own advice when his lit up again. 

evan: my mom said “aww, about time. tell him i said hi” kjsfhxlkjdhdjhaskjdhkjshdsajhd 

jared: jhsdfsjh LMAO

Jared leaned back in his seat and kicked his legs up, accepting his upcoming death of overwhelming homosexuality as a fact and turning back to the screen. 

 “Stormpilot should have been canon,” Evan said, shoving open the movie theatre door. 

“When he says those five words that make your heart melt,” Jared quipped.

“No, those are ‘dude, let’s go watch Moana.’”

“That too,” he admitted, grinning. 

“No, but really, there’s no heterosexual explanation for all that,” Alana said.

“Honestly? True. I feel like we got to know Poe more in this one and really, him and Finn? Yes, good. Also, Rose… Like, I love her, but it’d been, what, sixteen hours? Or maybe I’m just a demiromantic stereotype. I don’t know.” said Zoe. She glanced over to the counter. “Which one’s gay?”

“Lydia. She’s got black hair and a grey shirt,” Jared said.

“Oh, I see her,” said Zoe, grabbing Alana’s hand and running off.

“Are they asking for a foursome?” Jared asked.

“I think they’re asking for drinks,” Evan said pointedly, rolling his eyes, as Lydia handed them two Gatorades. Jared huffed and turned towards the two girls.

“She’s a lesbian, her girlfriends’ names are Brooke and Emma, Brooke’s the one who works here, and she has three dogs,” Zoe said.

“Alex is here,” Alana said. “Act gay.” 

Jared knit his fingers in Evan’s. “Or should we make out again?”

“Are the only two options for you hand-holding and making out?” Alana asked.

“There’s also fucking but that’s looked down upon in public spaces,” Jared said.

Evan snorted. “Wonder why.”

“No one can handle all this.” Jared gestured to himself with a swoop of his hand.

“Literally anyone can handle you. You’re tiny,” Evan said.

Jared flipped him the middle finger. Evan kissed his forehead.

“Aw, how sweet," Zoe said sarcastically.

“What time is it?” Alana asked.

“Showtime,” Jared said, quoting Hamilton.

“It’s gotta be close to midnight,” Evan added, quoting RENT.

“It’s two,” said Zoe.

“The lunchroom closes at three,” Alana said. “And we get free food there.”

“Let’s fucking go,” Jared said.

Chapter Text

He was awoken by a pillow to his face.

“What the fuck?” He grumbled — it was becoming the question he asked every morning — and sitting up, and there was Evan, standing in his room, looking like some kind of gorgeous Greek god. Maybe Jared regretted giving him keycard access.

“Hey, asshole, we’re going to Denny’s,” he said.

Jared blinked several times, glancing out the window — it was still dark out — and then glancing at the clock.

“It’s three-thirty in the goddamn morning,” he said.

“We’re going to Denny’s,” Evan said again, sounding a little more determined, and it was enough to get Jared up out of bed.

“Okay, fine.”

“Yeah!” Evan pumped a fist in the air. Jared smiled fondly. He was so adorable.

He was looking especially cute today, in black skinny jeans — Evan owned black skinny jeans? — and a light blue button down shirt that was just a little too big for him, with the first two buttons, showing the top of his binder. Jared grabbed the clothes he’d worn yesterday and threw the shirt at Evan. 

“Fuck you. I’m taking a shower first, though.”

“Fine,” said Evan. “But make it quick. I really want pancakes.”

“Anything for you, my dear,” Jared quipped, grabbing an outfit and a towel from his closet. “I'll be back in like fifteen minutes.”

“Don’t know what I’ll do without you,” Evan said sardonically, pulling out his phone to check a text. Jared rolled his eyes affectionately and blew him a kiss as he closed the door. 

He threw his towel over one shoulder and shirt over the other and closed the door gently, dropping his clothes on the ground and grabbing his shampoo, conditioner, and soap.

Shower time, or as he called it, fifty-fifty chance of the two-for-one showering and crying sale! He didn’t actually call it that, and he’d never called it that in his life, but the thought still amused him.

He tended to zone out and think in the shower, and god, he didn’t like where his thoughts were going. Evan’s lips on his neck, Evan’s hands on his thigh, the way he’d kissed him on the table at the movie theatre. Fuck. He’d completely fucked this all up, hadn’t he?

He really, really had. He’d fucked up when he’d started dating Caitlin, actually. He remembered why he’d done so, as well. He remembered being around her and thinking she was nice, and when she asked him out, he thought maybe the nervousness he felt around her was a crush. And then he thought maybe if he pursued that he’d stop being in love with Evan. 

It hadn’t worked. It hadn’t worked at all, and god. He didn’t like to think about it, but looking back, there’d been so many signs Caitlin wasn’t a good person. He remembered when they first started dating and Zoe hadn’t known. She’d said he looked uncomfortable when Caitlin hugged him and Jared denied it, saying he didn’t mind, but looking back. Yeah, he’d been uncomfortable. He’d been uncomfortable with a lot of things, and he’d ignored it, brushing it off as nerves, brushing it off as no big deal. Maybe he shouldn’t have.

He felt himself scrubbing at his neck and remembered the time she’d kissed his neck, and he’d thought he was just nervous, but he wasn’t nervous, was he? He was uncomfortable. 

She’d never asked, he noted. Caitlin just kind of did things without asking. 

She wasn’t like Evan. Evan made a point to check in on him, ask him if he was okay, ask him if he was comfortable with things. Even when he thought it was clear he was. The reassurance was nice. 

And, fuck, the moment he stopped feeling gross for liking Evan was the moment he would feel fucking peace. 

Fuck. Evan. He’d probably been thinking for enough time and would need to rush to get back in time. He rubbed shampoo in his hair as he glanced at the clock behind the curtain — 3:44. He had six minutes. 

Three minutes later he was out of the shower standing between the door and the curtain, watching the clock while he tried to towel off quick enough to get back on time. He pulled on his jeans first — not an easy task considering how tight they were— and then his socks and shoes, before toweling off his hair again. He put on the cream for his top surgery scars and tugged on a Hawaiian shirt, fingers fumbling over the buttons. He glanced at the clock — 3:59 — and darted out of the bathroom into his room just as the clock switched. 

“Impressive,” said Evan, looking up from his phone to glance at the clock. 

“Thanks, dumbass,” Jared responded.

“Let’s go, loser.”

“Fuck off, asshole,” Jared shot back, jumping up and swinging an arm over Evan’s shoulders. “Let’s go.” 

When they got to the car Jared grabbed his phone and scrolled through his Spotify playlists, finally choosing “meme songs” and hooking it up to the speakers. 

“What are you doing...” Evan asked, but it was more of a resigned statement than a question. Jared grinned as Evan turned on the car. He kicked his legs up on the dashboard and hit play on the first song on the playlist — which was, of course, Never Gonna Give You Up.

“Oh my god,” Evan said. “I hate it here.”

“Nah, you love me,” Jared responded.

“Mhm,” Evan responded. 

Once the song faded out, Jared clicked play on Sk8er Boi.

“God, I hate you,” Evan said. 

They reached Denny's just as the song ended and Evan slammed the brake hard, making Jared jump and then laugh as he realized it was intentional. “That’s for playing Never Gonna Give You Up in my good Christian suburbs.” “You’re Jewish.” “That’s why it’s funny. Are we getting pancakes now or will I have to suffer forever?” “We’re getting some fucking pancakes!” Jared said, slamming open his door and jumping out. 

Jared fucking loved Denny’s. It was a shitty 24/7 diner, sure, but he was nothing if not a huge fan of shitty 24/7 diners. And, god, it had been such a good time so far. Jared was convinced Evan’s smile could cure a variety of diseases. 

In those moments it was just the two of them. In those moments he was light and warm and everything was good. It was the two of them, sitting across from each other in a booth in the corner of Denny’s, artificial light shining on their faces, the sunrise barely beginning, Evan laughing at a stupid joke Jared had just told.

One second he was okay, one second his heart was beating fast because of Evan, and the next it was just beating too fast. Just a little too fast, but too fast, and he caught it nearly immediately, but not quick enough, because then his vision was foggy, his hearing was fuzzy, and the feeling of the tag of his shirt against the back of his neck was comparable to being stabbed. 

“Jared, you okay?” Evan asked.

Jared nodded unconvincingly. “I…” And he couldn’t push the words out, it was too much. The music was too loud, and the talking of the others was too loud, and the clacking of pans was too loud, and the lights were shining down on him and it was all so bright, too bright. And he was going to die, probably. He was going to die in this Denny’s. 

Evan switched sides of the table, sitting next to him in the booth. “Hey, are you okay with touch right now?” 

Jared nodded and Evan put his arm around Jared’s shoulder, pulling him closer. Jared rocked back and forth a little before pulling his legs up onto the bench and hiding his face in Evan’s shoulder.

Why now. Why now, of all times. He’d been having a good day. It’d been a great day so far, actually, laughing with Evan over his French toast and milkshake. God, why’d he have to ruin everything.

And the light was piercing into his eyes and he remembered what had upset him. It was the hospital with its warm industrial lights and the church with the same lights and the same floors but still so fucking different and the way he’d felt waking up there. And, god, he really fucked everything up, huh.

He put his palms down on the table, trying to let the chill calm him. He couldn’t just waste away, panicking, folding into himself. God he was glad they’d gotten a table around the corner from the entrance. 

Evan’s other hand took one of his and he started rubbing circles into the back of it, and he focused in on Evan’s thumb pressing into his skin, the feeling of his hands, anything but his panic and the fear and the screaming that was in his mind — He took a breath. Closed his eyes, opened them again. 

He was too close to the edge of panic to speak — he wasn’t quite in the attack, he was in the weird grey stage where he wasn’t okay but not quite hyperventilating yet. He started picking at the skin around the thumbnail of his free hand with his pointer finger and the pain brought him back a little.

And god, what if he’d never mattered at all? 

Evan's arm around him, the comforting weight around his shoulders. 

“I don’t know what started it,” he mumbled, but then reevaluated the event. “No, actually, I think it’s the lights.”

“The lights?” Evan asked, and from anyone else he’d think they were making fun of him, but Evan was genuinely curious, he could tell. 

“Remember when I was in a wheelchair in sophomore year?”

“You mean when you wouldn’t stop making jokes about how your legs were broken from having too much sex, and how the only things you could really do were play Tetris and jerk off?”

“Yep," said Jared, and he laughed a little — he laughed. Evan was probably the only person in the world who could make him laugh when he was this upset.

“God, good times. I told you how I…” he didn’t want to say it again. He didn’t want to think about any of it ever again. He’d tried to kill himself. 

“Yeah. You told me.” 

It’d been a rough conversation. Jared had been a little drunk during it, but he still remembered how Evan’s voice had cracked when he mumbled I’m so sorry. He felt Evan’s arm around him and he wanted to move closer and melt into Evan’s touch, but he also wanted to move away so Evan wouldn't get the wrong idea, so Evan wouldn’t hate him.

“I didn’t tell anyone it was on purpose,” he said. “I was in so much pain, and the lights were so bright, and…” he trailed off. “I guess- I guess I just… I fucked that up, and I fuck everything up, and…” 

“Hey,” Evan mumbled, and Jared’s heart ached. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I’m going to fuck up. “Even if everyone else leaves you, I won’t.”

“‘And that would be enough,’” Jared whispered. “But I’ll lose you too. If you knew how — what a horrible person I can be — if you knew how — there's a reason no one talks to me.” His voice broke and he tried to ignore the tears building behind his eyes and spilling down his cheeks. “I'm not someone who can be loved, okay? And everyone’s gonna leave me someday — once they see me — they’ll hate me just as much as I hate myself.”

Evan was quiet for a second, before: “Jared, I’m friends with you because I like you. You’re funny, and sweet, and smart, and you make Hamilton references even when you’re having a breakdown. And I — I don’t know who told you, who made you think you weren’t enough. But I swear to God I’ll hurt them. You’re amazing, you know that, right? And I won’t leave you.”

You will, once you know how I feel about you. If you ever find out how I've thought of you.

“Okay,” he mumbled.

Evan didn’t buy it. “What are you thinking?”

“I don’t deserve you,” he whispered. 

“You deserve better than me, honestly,” Evan said.

Jared sighed. “I don’t know.” Evan smelled like cinnamon. “I don’t know. I. I feel a little better now, but I know it won’t last,” he said.

“I hope one day it will,” said Evan, and he sounded so sincere that Jared’s heart shattered again. And if he hadn't been in love with Evan this would be when he got up and tried to either communicate or go back to joking around.

But Jared was selfish. Jared was selfish and he didn’t want Evan to move his arm around from his shoulders quite yet.

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

"Hey, tilt your head up a little,” said Evan. Confused, he did so.

And then Evan was leaning over him and brushing a kiss to his forehead, so light he barely felt it. 

“Gay,” Jared murmured.

“This is bi erasure,” Evan said. “Wait, fuck, I forgot to say no homo.”

“You gotta sacrifice a virgin to the No Homo gods now,” Jared said dryly.

“Isn't the whole premise of virgin sacrifice and virginity in general really misogynistic and heteronormative?” Evan asked.

“I mean, yes, but it’s —” Jared checked his watch “—five-twenty in the morning, it’s way too god damn early.”

“It’s never too early to respect women. Sexism never sleeps, Jared,” said Evan seriously. Jared laughed — an honest-to-God laugh.

The waitress — Natalie, Jared had seen her in his computer science class — came back with the checkbook and smiled at the two of them. “I… don’t quite know what’s going on, but I’m in full support of it. The total will be $22.19,” she smiled. 

“Oh, we will,” said Jared, digging three tens out of his pocket and handing them to her. “You can keep the change.”

“I like this form of respecting women,” Natalie commented, and both of them laughed.

“Thanks,” Evan said. Jared was suddenly very aware of how close together they were.

“Thanks,” he echoed.

She smiled. “You’re welcome.”

Evan adjusted his hands and Jared tried not to think about it — now that he was out of panic mode he was hyperaware of every inch of Evan’s body.

When Natalie left Evan said, “She thinks we’re dating.” Jared could hear the laughter in his voice. 

“So does the entire campus, your point?”

“…Touché.” 

Chapter Text

Evan and Jared shoved their way into a row, Jared grinning. “Last minute tickets? I'd sell my soul.” 

“Luckily, you don't have to, since somehow you got them. You’re a hero.” He sat down. The lights began to dim and the second Troye came onstage Jared jumped up, flapping his hands with excitement.

The night passed in a blur. At once, he remembered every detail and none at all. It was both a blur of neon lights and Troye’s voice and Evan’s face illuminated in the lights. 

He wanted to kiss him into oblivion. 

At some point he slipped his hand in Evan’s and the other boy didn't move away. Which was the most surreal part of the night, honestly.

It was an ever-changing kaleidoscope of memories, and each memory was piling in his mind, feeling warm, feeling like home. 

He remembered dragging his fingernail along the back of the seat in front of him again and again during FOOLS, trying not to think too hard about the lyrics, only fools fall for you, only fools fall, only fools do what I do… And he couldn’t quite bring himself to look at Evan, and maybe Evan felt it too, but most likely he didn’t. 

He remembered Evan’s chin on top of his head when the taller of the two pulled him into a hug at the first few notes of Heaven. The way he’d struggled to hold it together— the way he hadn’t held it together at all, actually, considering the fact that he’d sobbed into Evan’s shirt. The way the song brought him back to being fifteen and closeted and scared, and he wasn’t fifteen or closeted or scared anymore. 

Sometime during My My My Evan’s hand slipped into his. Living for your every move.

He remembered looking up to see one of the softest smiles in the world on the other boy’s face. He recalled the way that Evan’s cheeks turned slightly pink as he leaned forward and put an arm around him, pulling him closer until he rested against Evan' chest. He remembered the notes of the song fading out. His ears were ringing and all he could hear was the pounding of his heart and the rushing in his ears. 

The crowd was moving as though they were all one huge hive mind, and maybe it was the most human connection he’d experienced in years. He could feel the drumbeat in his chest when it started back up.

The last song Troye played was Wild. And, God. I never knew loving could hurt this good. And it drives me wild. 

When the music stopped and people erupted in shouts and cheers and screams, he looked over at Evan and saw how red he was with a smile plastered across his face. When Evan looked down from the stage he caught Jared staring and Jared pretended he’d not been taking in the freckles dotting Evan’s cheeks.

He remembered riding the taxi to the hotel and falling asleep on Evan’s shoulder — Evan shaking him awake, amused. He remembered checking into the hotel, drunk off happiness and music, the lady behind the counter smiling at them and asking how long they’d been together — “only about 2 weeks now,” said Evan — and giving them room C403.

He remembered riding the elevator up and smiling at Evan and Evan smiling back.

He remembered going into the bathroom and changing into his pajamas. He remembered curling up next to Evan in bed and the other boy kissing his forehead to say goodnight. He remembered that the blankets were white and fluffier than his own.

He did not remember disappointment once the concert ended. He did not remember amusement or shame at falling asleep in the taxi. He did not remember anxiety or pride telling the lady about his and Evan’s ‘relationship.’ He did not remember his heart fluttering when he laid down next to Evan. He did not remember smiling or feeling lovesick when Evan kissed his forehead. He did not remember the bedsheets being cold or having an opinion on them at all.

He woke up and did not move. He stared at the clock — 11:44. Not unexpected. He’d had a long night.

He closed his eyes but couldn’t get back to sleep. Opened them again. Stared at a painting of a porch on the wall until his eyes went blurry. He wasn’t thinking about anything.

Evan shifted next to him and he didn’t feel the need to turn and say good morning. Even if he’d wanted to, would he be able to?

He needed to go to the bathroom but felt as though he’d never again get out of bed. He was perfectly content to stare at the painting of a porch until he died. His stomach grumbled. He didn’t register any hunger or pain. He knew it wasn’t normal but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

He felt the bed shift and heard Evan’s feet hit the ground. He closed his eyes quickly, not wanting Evan to know he was awake just yet — because then he’d have to explain why he wasn't moving and he didn't have the fucking energy for that. He heard the bathroom door slam and checked the clock. 11:19. He stayed there, eyes closed, as the door opened again.

“Jared? You up?” He didn't answer. Yes. I'm up. I love you.

“I know you’re awake,” Evan said.

Jared shrugged, still not opening his eyes.

“Hey.” The bed sank a couple inches as Evan supposedly sat down. “You okay?” He shrugged again. His shoulders hurt. It didn’t matter. 

Evan brushed Jared’s hair out of his face. Where the hell was he sitting? Jared didn’t really care. A vague sense of curiosity gnawed at him, but it was subdued so horribly he barely recognized it for what it was.

“You gotta get up,” Evan said. “Or at least say something, all right? I’ll get you food.”

Jared nodded slightly.

“Will you sit up?”

In theory, yes. In practice? His limbs were stiff and heavy. There were so many muscles that had to be moved, so much weight to be lifted... he could not do it. He felt like he was being weighed down by bags of sand.

He took in a breath. Evan's shampoo smelt like coconut and vanilla. It wasn’t bad. I can't I can’t I can’t.

Everything was so much — the seams of his t-shirt, the coolness of the blanket — and yet also nothing — he should feel something about Evan being so close to him. He should be scared. He needed to feel something but he didn’t, he couldn’t. So instead of fucking dealing with his problems like most people did — like Evan did — he started fucking crying.

“Hey, hey,” Evan whispered. Maybe he was on the ground...? “I can't do this,” he breathed. “This?” Evan prompted. “Anything.”

“Aw, Jared, angel,” Evan whispered. He didn't know what it meant to call someone angel but he couldn’t bring himself to fucking care.

“I can’t feel anything,” he mumbled. “And I should be scared but I’m not and I don’t know why.” He felt Evan’s hand on his cheek, brushing away tears probably.

“I can’t — everything’s too much — I want to get out of bed but I can't — I —” his eyes flickered open and he stared through Evan. Any other time he’d have spent as long as possible memorizing Evan’s face, but not today.

“I'll get you food. Caffeine won’t help — if this is anything like my depressive spirals that’ll make it worse. Do you think you could sit up?”

“Maybe,” he mumbled.

“Blueberry muffin, extra soft and extra crumbly?” Evan asked.

“Yep.” Numbly, Jared wondered how Evan remembered his favourite type of muffin.

“I love you. I'll be right back,” Evan said.

“Love you too,” he said weakly.

He spent several minutes begging himself to sit up before finally managing to get his body to listen to his mind and sitting up, resting against the bed frame. The sun shone through the window onto the bed, tinting the white blankets yellowish.

Evan came back a few minutes later, a muffin in each hand and two water bottles wedged between his hip and his arm.

“I'm back,” Evan said unnecessarily. “Here. The softest, most crumbly muffin I could find.” Jared smiled a little bit. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

It took him a long time to raise a piece to his mouth, eat it, take a bite…

He wanted to be dead. It would be better than this numbness and the heaviness.

He needed to feel something.

“Have some water,” Evan said softly, handing him a plastic bottle. He took a couple sips, then a couple more. Before he knew it he’d downed the entire bottle.

The fog cleared just a tiny bit — better than nothing — at least now he was seeing Evan and not just through him to the painting of a porch. The other boy was on the bed, on top of the blankets. “Thank you," Jared whispered again. He felt like crying. He didn't know why.

“Hey, no problem,” Evan said. “If you don’t take care of yourself I’ll take care of you, okay?” 

“That’s gay,” Jared commented, but it sounded weak even to himself.

“Bi, actually,” Evan said. So he was willing to pretend Jared was okay for a second. “Amendment accepted.”

Once he’d finished eating — which took a long fucking time — Evan said, “Hey, I gotta take a shower or I will actually die, do you wanna use the bathroom first?”

“Sure. I'll roll off the bed,” he said.

He did just that, landing on the floor and bruising his pride. Evan hopped off the bed and extended a hand to him.

Jared held out a hand and Evan grinned. “I knew I wasn’t a total failure!”

“No, that’s me,” Jared said numbly.

“Fake news.”

He stumbled towards the bathroom door and blew a sarcastic kiss.

Maybe if he pretended he was okay, he would be. Maybe that would make it get better. 

*

It did not get better. They had to leave by five PM. It was four PM and Jared was sitting in the shower with scalding water hitting his back, feeling absolutely fucking nothing.

He’d been fighting all day. Telling off his own mind, reminding it that no, that’s not true, no, you're not right, no, I don’t need this right now. But he was tired. He was so fucking tired and he needed to feel something, anything, other than the numbness. He needed to feel anything other than the nameless heaviness that had settled on every part of his soul and refused to let go, refused to let him breathe. He felt it crushing his lungs, his heart, his ribs, his soul. 

God, he felt so fucking bad. Nothing had really triggered it. He’d gone to the concert and he’d not felt bad at first but he supposed as the night went on he’d felt more and more… foggy.

A few years ago, he would have pulled any number of bad coping mechanisms out of his mental backpack and said to hell with it. He would’ve given up the whole recovery thing in a split second just to feel something. 

But he couldn’t go back like that. He’d made so much progress, too much progress to throw it away. He deserved better, even if it was hard to believe.

He leaned against the wall of the shower. Vaguely, he wondered if there was going to be a shortage of water someday. When he was ten he’d gone through a huge OCD-fueled planning for the end of the world frenzy, researching zombies and nuclear war and asteroids and anything else that could possibly harm him. He remembered reading an article that said the world would be out of clean water by 2012.

Well. It was 2019, and there was still clean water. He knew because he could feel it pounding down on his back as he leaned against the shower wall.

He’d felt fine at the beginning of the concert. He’d been grinning up at the stage, watching the lights flash and swirl around him.

My My My. Fools. Ease. He’d gotten through them fine. Maybe it’d started at Heaven, when he’d remembered the look on his dad’s face when he came out. Maybe it’d started at Seventeen. That had always been a hard song for him to listen to, and God, maybe it hit home more than he wanted to think about.

Maybe he needed to not think about Caitlin anymore.

Maybe he shouldn’t have dated her in the first place. He remembered when she’d asked him out and he’d felt his stomach turn and chalked it up to anxiety. It had been his gut, he was sure of it.

He wasn’t quite sure anything in that relationship had even been real. It all felt like a fever dream. A long, fucking ridiculous fever dream that he didn’t quite want to think about.

But god, he was thinking about it.

He’d been sitting at the library when she’d texted him asking to go out with him. Not out of the blue, they’d been joking around about dating and she’d asked if he was serious. He’d said yes because he wasn’t quite sure. He was never quite sure where the line between a joke and the truth began. He figured it only felt wrong because it was new.

The next day, she’d told him she wanted to move in with him someday. And Jared had felt dread build up in his stomach but ignored it, passed it off as anxiety and moved on. The next day, she’d begun to tell him how hot he was, how badly she wanted to use him, and Jared’s skin crawled at the thought of it. 

She’d never asked. And that was what he couldn’t stop thinking about. She’d never asked if he was okay with it. It was Caitlin’s thing, she just did things, plowed over anyone in her way and made them feel like shit if they called her on it.

After that it was as though she’d made a list of the people he cared about and gone down it, talking badly about them to him. Trying to convince him she was the only person he could trust. Trying to convince him he was the only person she trusted. Pulling him away at lunchtime, getting upset if he didn’t text back. 

And then it was her constantly talking about sex, getting more and more frustrated as he appeared to not notice the hints she was dropping. He noticed them, and he’d been scared, and he hadn’t known why. 

And then she’d started telling him she’d kill herself without him. Calling him an angel, saying he’d been put on this earth to help her. And he wasn’t a fucking therapist, but he’d put up with it. He’d put up with a lot.

He thought about a certain text she’d sent. Pretended not to remember it. Maybe it hadn’t happened the way he remembered it. He was almost definitely being dramatic about the whole thing.

He was definitely being dramatic. He sighed. He did this a lot. Over-exaggerating, making things seem worse than they were.

Although. Well. Was he really the most reliable person to ask about if he tended to exaggerate?

Jared hesitated. He was sitting on the floor of a hotel shower, water on nearly the highest setting. If he leaned over the bathtub ledge it would probably be fine.

He did so, rubbing his hand on the towel he’d set out and grabbing his phone.

[Chat: Jared and Evan]

27 November, 5:14PM

jared: not done showering yet just thinking and had question

Evan’s response was almost instant.

evan: yea whats up?

jared: would u say I tend 2 exaggerate

jared: not like “ugh its pouring out” when it drizzles i mean like. do u think i like.. make situatuons seem worse to like get attention

evan: not at all dude

evan: and honestly if u havent talked to anyone/many ppl abt this situation its def not for attention if that helps

jared: ty

He put his phone down, blinking. God, Evan was right. Evan was right a lot. Who the hell would he be exaggerating to, himself?

It didn’t feel like that big of a deal. But if it wasn’t a big deal, why was he still so upset about it?

He turned off the shower and grabbed his phone again, unblocking Caitlin to see their messages. He scrolled up as fast as he could, words flying by. She’d get mad at him if he didn’t text her enough, and he hated when people were mad at him. It felt like getting shot, or how he imaged getting shot would feel; he’d never been shot before. He scrolled up. They’d started dating in early October, so the conversation would have been around mid-October.

October 25th, October 24th, he kept scrolling.

Seeing a long block of text, he paused, and yep, that was the conversation he was looking for. She’d gone on and on about him, about how he was small and delicate and angelic and… God, it’d been uncomfortable. He didn’t want to be small and delicate and angelic. He was a fully grown man. He found himself wondering if she’d have said the same things if he were a cis man, or if he passed better. He doubted it.

He scrolled down a bit and there it was, she’d really said that. He barely wanted to reread it. He did anyway.

god, you wouldn’t even bother saying no, would you? you’re too sweet for that <3

And, God, he felt sick. He should’ve told her to stop right then, should have told her far sooner, actually. And he didn’t feel numb anymore, no, he just felt guilty. And gross. And angry. 

He took a screenshot of the text, blocked her, and closed the app, climbing out of the bathtub. He dried himself off on autopilot and put his scar cream on his top surgery scars before putting his before pulling on ripped black jeans and a grey tank top. 

He exited the bathroom, pushing his glasses on as he did so.

“Evan, I think Caitlin is a bad person.”

Evan nodded slowly. “Yeah, I, uh. I thought we already established this?”

“I thought I was exaggerating,” he said.

“Considering the fact that— and this is lighthearted, genuinely, no pressure at all to say anything— but considering the fact that you’ve barely told anyone what’s happened, I don’t think there’s much you could’ve exaggerated about.”

Jared snorted. “That’s fair.” He sighed, sitting down on the bed.

“Feel any better?” Evan asked.

Eh. “Yeah.”

“That’s good!” Evan said, smiling brightly. Jared wanted to see him smile like that forever. 

“Yeah,” Jared smiled back. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose with his wrist.

“Wanna go out to eat tonight or go back to the campus for food?” Evan asked.

“Mmm, let's just go back to school,” Jared said, shrugging. “I’m still really tired.”

“All right,” Evan said. He smiled again. “Maybe you should write a letter to yourself.”

Jared laughed a little at the joke. “‘Dear Jared Kleinman, today is going to be a good day and here’s why: blueberry muffins.’”

“Hey, blueberry muffins making you happy are better than nothing at all.”

“I didn’t know I was in therapy.”

“Even if it’s just one thing you stay for, what really matters is that you stayed.”

“Too much therapy. Pause the therapy, Evan, pause the therapy.”

Evan laughed again. “Me when the group chat gets intense.”

“Mood,” Jared smiled. He collapsed on the ground next to Evan, who threw the last shirt in his suitcase and turned on his phone, which was 15 minutes into a HGTV episode. 

“Wanna watch?” 

“Sure. And then let’s go get food?”

“Of course,” Evan smiled, hitting play.

Chapter Text

Zoe and Alana came into the lunchroom, the latter with two bags slung over one shoulder.

“Hey, homos,” Zoe greeted them, collapsing in a chair across from them.

“‘Sup, heteros,” Alana said, sitting down next to their girlfriend.

“What the fuck did you call me?” Jared asked, acting deeply offended. He swung his legs from where he was sitting on top of the table.

“I called you a hetero.”

“I’m going to kill you IRL,” Jared said.

“Love you too,” Alana said. They pulled their German textbook out of their backpack and flipped to a bookmarked page before glancing up. “Ah, shit, Caitlin alert.”

Evan stood up from the bench seat and stared up at the ceiling for a second, before grinning. “Glad you’re on the table again, ‘cause you're short—”

“Fuck you—”

“Hopefully Caitlin thinks so.”

Jared rolled his eyes and sat on the table, not missing Zoe and Alana shooting each other what was probably a non-verbal ‘oh my god they’re at it again.’

Evan stepped closer to the table and Jared wrapped his legs around his waist, pulling him closer. Evan was the one to kiss him, his lips tasting like peanut butter and chocolate and the pain of knowing you’ll be losing a friendship if you say how you feel. Jared had one hand on his back and the other on his hip. Evan had a hand on his chest and one in his hair. When Evan pulled his hair a little bit he had to fight back a whimper. The other boy laced their fingers together and Jared kissed him harder, slipping his tongue between his teeth, heartbeat racing faster and faster.

Kissing Evan was everything he thought it would be and more. It was passionate, and sweet, and overwhelming, and Jared wished he didn’t feel anything at all. That would be so much easier than wanting to pull him closer and kiss his neck and knowing he couldn’t.

Evan was an amazing actor — he wanted to suggest he join theatre — the thought was so out of place that Jared felt like laughing and bit it back.

Jared pulled Evan closer, coaxing a gasp out of the other boy. His cheeks warmed when he realized how much he wanted to hear that sound again and again until he died.

When the other boy knotted his fingers in his hair and tugged, Jared decided it was time for him to fucking die. He was not supposed to react. He was not supposed to feel anything. 

His hands travelled to Evan’s hips and he carefully dug a thumb into his hip, just above the bone there, and didn't expect but greatly appreciated the way Evan bit his lip and tugged his hair a little bit.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered how long it had been since they’d started kissing. This had to be a bit much. Or maybe he only thought that because for him, none of this was an act. 

The kiss lasted a couple more seconds, seconds that had Jared glad he was sitting because he was weak at the knees.

When they finally broke apart and Jared had collapsed back in his chair, Alana said, “When I first said that, Caitlin wasn’t even in here.”

“Alana, what the fuck,” Jared asked.

“She’s here now. Don’t worry. I saw her outside the window. She looks completely crushed, by the way.” 

“Fuck you,” Jared said, with no malice.

“I gotta ask,” Zoe said, kicking her feet up onto the table, “Why’d you date her? If you’re gay?” 

Jared hummed. “I, uh. I guess part of it was just me wanting to try to be…” he shrugged. “Straight. Normal. ’Nd I knew something was off but just chalked it up to anxiety, y’know?” 

“You okay?” Zoe asked half-seriously. Jared laughed. “Funny one.” 

Evan ran his fingers through Jared’s hair. 

“Gay,” Alana commented.

“This is bi erasure,” Evan said.

“I’m gay,” Jared said helpfully.

“Yes, Jared, we know. Do you want to talk about your feelings?” Alana joked.

“No,” he said.

“I do,” Evan said.

“I know, Evan,” Alana said.

“I’m sad.”

“I know, Evan.”

Zoe sighed. “Why are you sad, Evan?”

“I have depression, Zoe.”

“Me too, Evan,” Jared put in.

Alana scoffed, but they were smiling. “We were being sad in the groupchat earlier,” they said. Jared and Evan both pulled their phones out. 

[Tuesday 4 December 13:02]

four trans people walk into a groupchat

zoe: i wish for the sweet release of death to cradle me in her loving arms but i also hope death is a cute and sexy lesbian alana: same

alana: oh to be mentally stable

zoe: felt this

zoe: cannot wait for my therapy appointment to ✨talk about my trauma✨

alana: therapy my beloved

zoe: djdfjkfd yeah

Jared laughed and shook his head, sending a mood to the chat. As he did, Zoe texted him.

zoe: u like him bro dont u

jared: who?

zoe: im not stupid jare

zoe: uve fallen so hard for him. u talk about him all the time. I see how u look at him. & you smile so much brighter when he’s there

jared: hm.

jared: uve caught me 

zoe: ask him out u soggy mac&cheese 

Jared glared at her.

jared: zoe you’re like that feeling when you’re painting your nails but the polish gets on your skin

zoe: sxfhdszlnjoij

jared: anyway i'm not ruining my friendship w/ him u dont have 2 tell me to /nm

jared: alana’s been trying too, anyway, and they havent succeeded either 

Evan shook his head and glanced up from his phone. “This is why everyone says teenagers are obsessed with their phones.”

“They’re not wrong,” Alana said. She lifted her phone and took a selfie with Zoe. “You nerds wanna get Dominos and ‘study’ for finals today?” She put “study” in air quotes.

Evan nodded, as did Jared and Zoe.

“Hell yeah,” Zoe said.

“Do you mean anything actually close to studying or are you and Alana gonna go make out in the bathroom again?” Jared asked.

“I dunno, babe, what do you think?” Zoe asked Alana, her face flat but breaking into laughter a second later.

“Shut up,” Alana said. “Let's go study. I love being a model student.” 

Chapter Text

“Okay, new world, new world. Do we want KeepInventory? I kind of want KeepInventory. But also I think it’d be cool to speedrun…” Jared was practically talking to himself. He grabbed a Cheeto from the open bag and washed it down with a sip of Monster. 

“Speedrunning would be cool,” Evan said. “I’m down to speedrun if you are.”

“We’re gonna beat the world record,” Jared said, straight-up lying.

“Mhm, mhm.” Evan moved his mouse back and forth as fast as he could until the page finished loading.

“I’ll make this world and set it to LAN, if you want to set a stopwatch once you get on that’d be cool?” Jared suggested, already going into Settings.

“Sounds good to me,” Evan said, pulling out his phone and setting the stopwatch as the app loaded. As soon as the world was open Evan logged in, shaking his mouse until the game loaded and immediately setting his view to be in third person so he could see more.

“Okay, okay. Wood and then desert I think would be best,” Jared said. They’d spawned in a plains biome, and in his experience generally there was a desert biome nearby.

The two of them got sucked into the game pretty quick, and before he knew it they’d made a portal to the Nether.

“You get blaze rods and I’ll get ender pearls, maybe?” Jared suggested, reaching to take a sip of his Monster and realizing it was empty.

“Sounds good to me,” Evan said. 

Jared looked over at him. God, he was pretty. And distracting. Jared kind of wanted to stare at him until he could perfectly recall every freckle, every curve in his face, the way his eyes lit up when he found the Nether fortress and oh yeah, they were playing Minecraft.

The game passed quickly from there, and before he knew it he and Evan were in the End and Jared was out of arrows and Evan was giving him some from far above where he’d towered up one of the End Pillars to destroy an End Crystal. Jared drank some of the night vision potion he’d found in a ruined portal so he could aim at the dragon better.

The health bar went down and Evan bridged over to the last crystal before MLGing with a water bucket down to the ground and eating a baked potato before sprinting at the dragon and the pink health bar was going down, down, and.

gyaysex69 has made the achievement [Free The End]

“YOOOOO,” Evan shouted, clicking the stop button on the timer.

“What’s our time?” Jared asked.

“Two hours, 16 minutes, 4 seconds, and 12 milliseconds.”

“YOOOOO,” Jared said. “Not first place but we had fun!”

“Hell yeah,” Evan said. He rubbed at his eyes and checked the clock. “Jesus, it’s almost two in the morning.”

“Wanna go to bed?” Jared asked. “You can stay over if you like, I don’t mind.”

“Yea,” Evan said. He stretched. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” 

[Saturday 24 November 01:19]

Chat: j.klein and 500 bees in a trenchcoat

j.klein: im gay. 

500 bees in a trenchcoat: anything else new? /j

500 bees in a trenchcoat: why are u gay bestie

j.klein: hes so pretty alana :((

j.klein: jesus christ i can't believe i'm crying over a boy am i a middle school girl yet 

500 bees in a trenchcoat: You’re jewish u don't even believe in Jesus

j.klein: irrelevant. he’s so pretty alana listen to me,,

500 bees in a trenchcoat: Do u need a hug king

j.klein: i need a boyfriend :/ and yeah a hug too 

j.klein: is it gay to be attracted to men

500 bees in a trenchcoat: yeah sorry

j.klein: goddamnit

j.klein: it sucks cuz like. ik i’m not good enough for him but!!!!!!!jesus ffukcing crhist

500 bees in a trenchcoat: Im gonna have to stop u right there good sir

500 bees in a trenchcoat: This is a lie u are most definitely food enough

500 bees in a trenchcoat: **gOOD I MEANT GOOD FKLJGHDFGVLDX

j.klein: 10/10 for effort fjdfklsj

j.klein: but no thats fake news 500 bees in a trenchcoat: No its not youre wrong. srry! j.klein: -_- im not dissuading u on this one am i

500 bees in a trenchcoat: u sure arent

Evan opened the door again, putting his keycard in the little bowl by the door. He’d changed into sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt. 

“Hi,” he said, jumping onto Jared’s bed. “Fuck you. You turn off the light.”

“Fuck you,” Jared responded, no malice in his voice. He flicked off the light and climbed into bed as well. God, the Monster had been such a bad idea. He wasn’t going to be able to sleep at all.

“G’night,” Evan mumbled back, throwing an arm over Jared — gay — and pulling him closer — gay. I want to kiss you so bad I can barely speak, he wanted to say. I want to spend every night with you. I want to wake up next to you every morning. I want to hold your hands in grocery stores and kiss you when we’re alone. I want you. I don’t want to lie anymore.

“Good night,” he smiled instead.

Jared tried not to press himself closer to Evan, but his heart didn’t listen, and neither did his body, and a second later he’d pressed himself even closer, his back against Evan's chest. Evan didn’t seem to mind; he pressed his face into Jared’s hair and god, Jared just wanted to kiss him. He hadn’t prayed for years, but he found himself praying God, please give me some self control. I can’t ruin this. It’s all fake, it’s all just to get Caitlin away from me. But I wish it could be more, I wish it could be real.

Apparently the Monster had a sedative effect on Evan, because he was asleep with 5 minutes.

 500 bees in a trenchcoat: Btw uhh

500 bees in a trenchcoat: If evan told me he liked u, would u want me to tell him u like him???

500 bees in a trenchcoat: He’s real gay in pm’s which is why I ask

j.klein: wh

j.klein: um

j.klein: i guess so ?!?!

500 bees in a trenchcoat: He hasn't said who yet but well. Ive got a feeling

j.klein: god ok so 

j.klein: when we went to Dennys

500 bees in a trenchcoat: You’ve been typing for a long time & this text started w/ a mention of denny’s should I be concerned

j.klein: well part of my morning routine when I shower is having an emotional breakdown right? it happens every day ngl I've kinda started planning on it. id been having that day’s emotional breakdown over being a Bad FriendTM for liking him and my internalized homophobia was getting to me so that too. well I had to cut my breakdown short cause we were gna go to Denny’s. so when we were there I had this panic attack cause mental illnesses r a bitch and he was comforting me and I was trying to explain that if he NKEW HE WOULD LEAVE BUT I OCULDNT SAY THAT XAUSE HE DOESNT KNOW and god it’s sofuckign gross holy shit but he was? so ?????? nice????????????like he actually fukcin cares and I don't want to fuck that up with my stupid fucking emotions but I care about him so somuch

j.klein: if dennys is mentioned u shld be concerned yes

500 bees in a trenchcoat: Ok first of all I've said it before and i’ll say it again: he won't leave u over this!!

500 bees in a trenchcoat: Secondly!! you're not a bad friend or gross for having normal human emotions ok 

500 bees in a trenchcoat: Thirdly I have NO proof but !!id be willing to bet he likes u back

j.klein: ily

j.klein: i dont necessarily belueve u but ur an agnel seriously

j.klein: ur my wife now /p

500 bees in a trenchcoat: What wedding cake do u want

j.klein: we don't need a cake youre sweet enough

500 bees in a trenchcoat: ohhhhh myyyyy godddddd

j.klein: true mlm/wlw solidafity

500 bees in a trenchcoat: solidafity

j.klein: ok u know what u moldy loaf of bread 500 bees in a trenchcoat: Go to sleep asshole

j.klein: love u 2

j.klein: only if u sleep too

500 bees in a trenchcoat: Gnight love u

j.klein: love u 2!!

*

Jared grumbled and sat up, blinking in the bright sun.

The clock read 07:14 — so he could be asleep for another six hours if he wanted — and he was about to do just that when he heard Evan stir.

“You ‘wake?” He mumbled.

“Unfortunately,” Evan replied.

“Why? ’s the middle of the night.”

“Couldn’t sleep. ‘Can we confer, sir?’”

“Stop quoting Hamilton, oh my god. And all night?”

“Mhm. I slept for about a half hour but haven't gotten to sleep since.”

“Jesus.” Jared opened his eyes — not without a lot of effort, mind — and smiled when he saw Evan. Which was really gay.

The other boy was only a few inches away from him, his blonde hair tousled and messy, his shirt wrinkled and slipping off one shoulder.

Wow, grade-A homosexual right here.

“So I'm running on anxiety and no sleep,” Evan said.

“If that ain’t the mood of the year,” Jared said. “Anything that’ll help? That I can do?”

“Not really,” Evan mumbled. He licked his lips and sighed. Jared wondered if he’d reached Maximum Gay yet.

“M’kay.”

“You can go back to sleep,” Evan whispered. “If you’re tired. I don’t want to keep you up.”

“I’m not tired, don’t worry.”

“Okay.”

Jared sighed, propping his head up with his hand. “Why've you been awake?”

“Anxiety.”

“About?”

“Oh, you know, everyone hates me, I’m dying alone, the usual.” He rubbed his eyes with his palm and Jared shouldn’t have found it as attractive as he did. Especially considering the conversation.

“I don't hate you.”

“Thanks,” Evan said. He sighed. “It’s hard to believe, y’know?”

“Yeah,” Jared said. “I know.”

Jared really wanted to kiss him. They were so close. He was right there.

He didn’t lean over and press his lips to Evan’s. He didn’t whisper how much he loved the other boy or confess how he’d felt since seventh grade. He didn’t run a finger across Evan’s jawline or kiss his forehead. He didn't give into the emotions that were eating him alive from the inside out. “Actually, you're not allowed to hate yourself, and no one else is allowed to hate you either. It’s against the rules that I'm making right now.” 

Evan giggled a little bit. “Thank you,” he said. He brushed Jared’s hair out of his eyes and Jared tried to hold it together.

“Of course.”

Chapter Text

Jared was extremely drunk.

He was sitting on the floor of his dorm room, in black shorts and a red t-shirt, and he was extremely drunk. 

It was barely past ten. He’d had a lot to drink. 

He could only think of Evan and it was tearing him apart. 

Fucking Evan. Evan and his stupid fucking smile, his laugh, his voice, his hands, his smile. Evan, Evan, Evan. Jared thought his name like it was a prayer searing through his mind. 

He’d warded the thoughts out for so long but they were back and goddamnit he couldn’t do anything about anything anymore. 

He couldn’t pretend anymore.

He couldn’t keep fucking pretending to be not-in-love in-love with Evan. Waking up next to him, the golden sunlight on his face. How could someone like him end up with someone like Evan? Evan would never care about him the way he cared for Evan. Quite probably nobody ever would. Quite probably, he was stuck behind a metaphorical glass, and nobody could see him, nobody noticed him. Quite probably, he didn’t deserve anybody’s attention anyways.

If he stayed friends with Evan he would fuck it up. Evan didn’t deserve this. Evan deserved friends who weren’t in love with him. Friends who were better, who had never screamed at him in the middle of a school hallway because he was jealous, because he was in pain, because he was a bad person. 

He could feel his heart caving in on itself, bit by bit. The lying was killing him slowly, one lie at a time, one kiss, one smile. All he ever did was hurt people and run from the consequences. All he ever did was lie and pretend nothing was wrong. All he did was hide and lie to himself. It was for Evan’s own good that he had to leave.

His clumsy fingers were barely able to text so Jared opened the notes app on his phone to avoid sending it too early. It was 10PM and he was drunk and he was crying on the floor of his door room. He typed out words, deleted them. Quite probably none of the discarded messages made sense. 

ev i love you and i am so so drunk right now but i care too much about you i dont deserve you and i hurt everyone and i dont want to hurt you again . please dont hate me please dont be mad at me i dont want to hurt you .i have to leave im sorry i love you so i have to leave you im sorry

He sent the text, powered his phone down, and began sobbing into his arms. He couldn’t do this. This was fucking stupid. He shouldn’t have said anything at all. But he couldn’t keep hurting Evan, either. He was hurting Evan, he was hurting everyone, he had to stop. He didn’t have the guts to stay and he barely had the guts to leave and this was so fucking stupid, he hadn’t been drunk since senior year, he knew he tended to fuck things up the second he got near alcohol, shouting Fuck you, Evan across the school hallway. But here he was and the taste was so fucking bad but he’d kept drinking and now look what he’d done. Every second he spent thinking about living without Evan made him feel like he was living in monochrome.

He was dehydrated, and drunk, and tired, and he threw himself into bed and curled up, not even bothering to put on his sleep playlist. He laid there in the silence and closed his eyes and braced himself against the impact of what he’d just done.

*

When he woke up he cringed against the light of the sun and pulled his blankets over his head and tried to get back to sleep. He couldn’t, so he just laid there.

He grabbed his phone. Powered it on. 12 unread messages. Two missed calls. 

He turned the brightness down. His head was fucking pounding. He reached under his bed, pulling a Caprisun out of his top-secret stash of Caprisuns he drank on bad days when he needed an extra hit of Caprisun. This wasn’t a Caprisun level situation but it couldn’t hurt, could it?

He checked the missed calls. One from Evan, unsurprisingly. And one from his dad.

Jared hadn’t talked to his dad since… a while. He checked his day count app, scrolling through the various life events he felt important enough to track the days since their occurrence. Days since he was born, days since he met his foster sister, days since he reunited with Evan. Days since various bad coping mechanisms. Days since top surgery. He noted the number for that one: 169. The funny number. This situation wasn’t funny. Five months and some change.

days since i last talked to dad: 500.

A round number. Five was a good number, and this was an irrational thought, a symptom of his obsessive compulsive disorder, but whatever. It was a good number. Maybe it was a sign.

He hit play on the voicemail.

“Hey,” and then his dad said his deadname, “It’s Dad. I know we didn’t leave off on good terms, but I’m just wondering how you’ve been doing. Mom says you’ve been doing well. I was wondering if you wanted to catch up sometime. You know my number.”

No Love you or anything. His dad had never been one to express his love. His mom hadn’t either, until Jared brought it up after a particularly rough therapy session, how he felt his mom didn’t love him. He’d screamed at her, actually. And at his father. That was the second-to-last time he’d spoken to his father. It was the way his parents communicated. Never saying anything out loud. Jared had found himself ranting to his therapist many times about their lack of communication skills.

Fuck it, he thought. He hit the call back button.

His dad hung up on the third (ear-piercing) ring. When he said Jared’s deadname, it was full of surprise. “I didn’t think you’d call back.”

“Neither did I. You said you wanted to catch up.” Jared stated.

“Your voice sounds deep,” his father pointed out. 

Jared wondered if this was, possibly, a bad idea. “Yeah. Good.”

“Did you go through with the… medical… stuff…” He said it as though it tasted bad in his mouth. As though the word transition were a slur.

“I told you I would.”

“We left off on a bad note,” his dad said. “I was wondering if things had changed.”

“They haven’t,” Jared said.

His dad had never made an effort to accept him as queer. Once his mom found out about his mental health issues, it was easier to get her to listen. He remembered a FaceTime call he’d done with her his first week in college. She’d bought a book on raising a trans child and had taken notes. She’d called to ask him for clarification on what words meant, saying she wasn’t sure Google would give the best answers. She showed him pages of handwritten notes she’d taken, and for the first time since Jared was seven she’d said she was proud of him.

His dad had not put that effort in. His dad, in fact, had told him no daughter of his would grow up to be a, and then a word he didn’t feel comfortable repeating. 

Why had Jared made this phone call.

“So you went through with it,” he said.

“Yeah.”

“You never were one to give up easily.” His father didn’t fucking deserve to sound that nostalgic for a childhood he’d played a part in ruining.

“What did you want to catch up on?” Jared asked.

“You know, just… our lives, I guess.”

“I’m at college,” Jared said. “Majoring in computer science. I’m a man. I’m in therapy weekly. Not much has changed.”

“You know how I feel about the whole…” his dad trailed off.

“I know,” Jared said.

“I think you’re going to regret this when you’re older.”

“I won’t,” Jared said. He’d never once doubted that. He knew transitioning was what would make him feel comfortable and he knew it’d come with the expense of a relationship with his father. 

“You were a very pretty child,” his dad said.

“I don’t care,” Jared responded. 

“I just wish you’d see things from my point of view.”

Jared sighed heavily. His eyes were unfocused and fuck, watery. “I’ve tried, okay? I tried for seventeen years. I’m happier than I’ve ever been now. You have to give up on the person you wanted me to be.”

“You’ll always be my daughter,” his dad said. And it sounded like he fucking meant it, not in a passive aggressive way.

“I was never your daughter,” he responded, and he felt his voice crack. “I’m going to hang up on you now.”

“Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

He hung up. Blocked his dad’s number. Pulled his blankets back over his head.

He knew he was doing what was right for himself. He knew this was the right choice. He knew without hormone replacement therapy, without top surgery, without his name change, he probably would not be alive right now. His head was pounding.

That had been a bad idea.

He felt like he was seventeen again, standing in the kitchen holding a can of Monster in one hand and a bag of candy corn in the other, having run downstairs to find some food after holing himself up for a week and refusing to talk to his parents. He’d been so fucking lonely in there, locked up in that fucking room. He’d gone downstairs with the intent to grab some protein bars and candy and something to drink. The text his father had sent rang through his mind.

Hey [deadname], your letter took us by surprise, and we’re still figuring out how to respond, but know we will always love you and accept you as our daughter.

He’d stood in the kitchen with half of what he wanted in his hands and his parents had entered the kitchen from the living room and they’d looked at him and he’d looked at them and he’d never seen someone look so disappointed in him before.

And he’d looked at them, and they’d looked at him. And the lack of communication made the situation much more tense than it should have been.

And he’d ducked his head and walked past them and gone up to his room and then he’d begun writing a suicide note.

It had not been a good start to the summer before his freshman year of college.

A month later his dad had sent him an email about how trans people regretted transitioning and how being a masculine woman was okay. And Jared had checked himself directly into the nearest mental hospital for a week at the advice of his therapist.

Jared found he was crying. His head was pounding, and the sun was bright even with the sheets pulled over his head. He grabbed a bottle of ibuprofen off his bedside table and swallowed three. He went back to sleep.

When he woke up again it was five PM. He laid there. It felt like no time had passed since he’d gone to sleep. This wasn’t good at all. He stared up at the ceiling, rolled over, checked his phone. Another missed message, also from Evan. He checked his discord. Lots of pings. He set his status to do not disturb. Quit the app. He felt like he’d been run over by a bus.

He stared up at the ceiling, he stared at the wall, he watched the sun set and eventually he fell asleep.

Four in the morning. He woke up, and he was more alert, he was more able to do things. He dragged himself out of his room into the bathroom, using the bathroom and washing his face with water from the sink before going back to his dorm room and filling up his water bottle. He sat cross legged on his bed. He was fucking hungry. 

He stared over at his phone, picked it up. His next therapy session was on Wednesday. He figured he needed something closer.

He called the office, where he was directed to voicemail.

“Hey, it’s Jared, Jared Kleinman, I was wondering if I could schedule an appointment with Jen for… as soon as possible, frankly. Thank you.” He put his phone’s ringer on and grabbed his laptop, turning on one of those Kurzgesagt and hitting play all. The first one was on the multiverse theory, and the next was on dinosaurs. He probably wasn’t learning much. He had class today. He figured he should cancel. He opened his email in another tab.

Hello Mr. Jefferson,

I’ve just found out about a family emergency and I don’t think I’ll be able to attend class today. I should be able to attend on Wednesday, however. I’m very sorry for the inconvenience.

Thank you,

Jared Kleinman

Was it a lie? Maybe a little, but he didn’t care. 

He sent the email off and kept watching his science videos, appreciating the animation. Maybe he should change his major to art. He wouldn’t mind doing art for the rest of his life. He would, however, mind not having a steady income.

At seven, his phone rang. (512)-555-3825.

“Hi, this is Maureen calling back,” Maureen said. Jared smiled at the familiar voice.

“Hi, yeah, good morning.”

“We got your voicemail, Jen is available this morning at either 9, 10, or 11, or later in the afternoon at 3,” she said. 

“Nine is good,” Jared said.

“All right, I’ll schedule you in. Ah, and while you’re here, you have an appointment with Dr. Rogers at 2pm on Thursday the 18th, does that still work?”

“Yes, thank you!”

“You’re welcome. Have a good day!”

“You too,” he responded. He plugged his laptop in, letting it charge. He had time to kill before the appointment but he didn’t quite feel like sitting in bed watching YouTube.

“Hey Siri?”

His phone lit up.

“Starbucks near me.”

A list of Starbucks popped up, and he found one around forty-five away, making for a suitable drive. He pulled on jeans and a yellow flannel and grabbed his keys and his wallet, heading out towards his car, a 2008 Subaru parked in the front parking lot.

He set his phone up and let Siri tell him where to go, her metallic voice occasionally interrupting his music. He’d put all his liked songs on shuffle and let shuffle decide his fate. 

When he got to the Starbucks he went through the drive-though and ordered himself a large iced lemonade with guava juice, despite feeling like a bitch for making the workers do a little extra work, and a slice of lemon bread. He drove back towards his therapist’s office, making it there twenty minutes early and eating his snack in the car.

He checked his Tumblr notifications, reblogging a meme, and liked a couple of TikToks before heading into the waiting room.

“Jared, nice to see you,” Maureen greeted, smiling at him. “Jen’ll be out in a second.”

“Nice to see you too,” he smiled. He pulled out his phone, turning notifications off before completely powering it down. He stared up at the ceiling. The walls were mostly blank, presumably to help people with sensory issues not feel overwhelmed by the visual clutter. 

The door to the waiting room opened and Jared let out an audible sigh of relief. “Jen, bestie,” he greeted.

Jen laughed. She was a nice woman, tall and blonde with straight hair, in her mid thirties from what he remembered. “Hey, bestie,” she responded. “C’mon down to my office.”

Jared followed her, collapsing in his usual chair and wrapping his arms around his knees. 

“What’s been going on?” She asked.

Jared opened his mouth. Closed it again. Where was even a good place to start with this?

“You know Evan,” he said.

Chapter Text

He left therapy feeling exhausted down to his fucking bones. He’d told Jen everything, about Evan, about Caitlin, about his dad. About him drinking again, and what he texted Evan. 

He’d really fucked things up this time. He knew it, Jen knew it. He was aware. 

His plan of action was to talk to Evan, to block Caitlin’s second number, and to get rid of any way for him to get near alcohol. To do so he had to read Evan’s texts.

He drove back to his dorm and stumbled back into his room, setting his timer to go off at noon so he could nap. He did nap, though it didn’t help much.

He powered his phone back on. Twelve missed messages. Eight were from Evan.

[11 November, 10:55PM]

evan: jared i will be honest i dont know what youre talking about at all 

evan: but i think it would help if u were sober 

[12 November, 09:14AM]

evan: hey are u awake? 

[12 November, 12:04PM]

evan: hey man i just wanted to say like. ik u said u were scared of hurting me but i promise u havent hurt me

evan: ur a good person unless u literally killed someone in cold blood i dont think that’ll change

[12 November, 4:21PM]

evan: u weren’t in class today are u doing ok? hope u r jare. i care abt u

evan: i promise im not mad

[13 November, 02:19AM]

evan: i promise whatever upset u we can talk thru ok? i wont be mad. 

Jared opened his notes app. He and Jen had talked through what he wanted to say. He copy pasted it into the app and hit send without rereading.

[13 November, 11:29AM]

jared: hey ev im so sorry for ghosting u (i have been very sad and hungover) im not mad at u or anything dont worry! i think we need to talk face 2 face (i have not killed anyone and am not dying, also again im not mad at u /g) would u be ok to meet down in the lobby later today and go on a walk? 

Evan’s response was almost immediate.

evan: yea man hope ur ok! ill bring u a coke if u want?

jared: yeye thank u man. does around 1 work? 

evan: yea! see u then <3

jared: see u then <3

Jared clicked his phone off. “Around” one meant one on the dot for both of them, meaning he had an hour and a half to kill.

He turned on H2O: Just Add Water. As comfort shows went, his would make perfect sense were he a sixth grade girl. Evan often joked he only watched it for Mr. Setori, the main character’s middle-aged father. Which, for the record, was not true. He bit at his lip, and picked at the skin around his nails.

He only got a couple minutes into the episode before giving up, going outside on a walk of his own. He wandered off campus and down to the little down nearby, stumbling across a group of teenagers sitting on the sidewalk. Literally stumbling, he tripped across an empty pizza box they’d been eating from.

“Ah, fuck, sorry man,” one kid said. They had bright blue hair.

“It’s no problem,” Jared said, laughing sheepishly and brushing his knees off. “I should’ve looked where I was going. I love your hair, by the way.”

“I love your pin,” the kid responded. They pointed to a nonbinary pride pin on their own shirt. Jared had forgotten he was wearing a pride pin.

“Yo, trans rights,” he said.

The other two kids were watching the exchange. One of them patted the ground. “If you’re not going anywhere, feel free to sit down. You look sad,” they said. Their hair was bright pink.

Jared laughed again. “I am sad,” he responded. He sat cross legged. The third kid, who had long blonde hair, offered up an extra slice of pizza to him. He took it.

“I’m Winter,” the blue-haired kid said. “I use they/them.”

“I’m KitKat,” said the kid with pink hair. “I use they/them as well.” Their ears had gauges in them, and a fluffy worm on a string had been pushed through it.

“I’m Grace. She/her.” The blonde one said. Her voice was quieter and deeper than Jared had expected. 

“I’m Jared,” he said. “He/him.”

“Cool, cool,” said Winter. “Are you from the college?”

“Mhm.”

“We’re seniors in high school. Well. Grace is a college freshman, me and KitKat are seniors. My only personality traits are that I have blue hair and I never shut up.”

Jared grinned. “I also never shut up, generally. You’re good.”

“Good good good,” Winter said. “Why are you sad? You look so fucking sad, dude.”

“It’s a long story,” Jared said.

“We have a while,” Winter said.

“Don’t pry,” Grace said, lightly jabbing an elbow into Winter’s arm. 

“It’s okay,” Jared laughed. “Basically, I like this guy, and he’s my close friend, and I drunk texted him freaking out and now I have to go explain why I was crying in his messages. And I’ve been in therapy all morning and figured I’d go take a walk before talking to him.”

“That’s fair,” KitKat said. 

“I’ve been pretty in my head,” he said. 

“What’s his name? The guy?” Winter asked.

“Evan.”

“That’s a nice name,” Winter said. “D’you know what you’re gonna tell him?”

Jared shrugged. “The truth, I guess. I’ve gotta explain to him and then I’ve got to explain to my other friends. They’ve texted me and I haven’t read anything because I’ve been kind of… freaking out.”

“Dick move, but fair,” Winter said. “If you want we can help you text them? Moral support, and all?”

“That’d be… really nice, actually,” Jared said, pulling out his phone. He cringed at the unread messages. “Alana first, they’ll be less pissed, I think.”

[11 November, 11:39PM]

alana: yo idk what’s going on but evan’s super worried abt u hope ur doing ok??

Jared sighed. yea im gonna talk 2 him p soon dw, he typed, saying it out loud as well.

[12 November, 04:14AM]

zoe: jared jared kleinman ur boyfriend is currently very upset 

zoe: i would like him to be less upset please remedy this immediately.

zoe: (also i hope ur ok)

Jared breathed out slowly and typed up a near identical message.

“All right, all right,” he said.

“Excellent,” said Winter. “See, that feels better, right?”

“Mhm.” Jared nodded. He checked the time. “It’s twelve fifteen, I should probably get back,” he said.

“Can I grab your number? I’m forcibly checking on how things go,” Winter said, pulling out their phone.

“Yeah, sure. 512-555-5273,” he said, and Winter added his number in their phone. 

“Great, cool,” they said. “Good luck, man.”

The sentiment was echoed by the other two and Jared smiled as he stood. “See ya,” he said.

“See ya,” KitKat said.

He smiled as he walked back to the dorms. He didn’t go on walks in town most of the time for fear of running into someone weird, or someone who he didn’t want to talk to. He was glad he’d gone this time.

He made his way back to his dorm room and went to the bathroom, fluffing up his hair and washing his face off. He paced around the hallway, putting in a knockoff AirPod to try to drown out his thoughts.

*

Jared went downstairs and was in the lobby as the clock struck one, and he saw Evan exit the elevator at the same time, holding two cans of coke.

“Hey, Jare,” Evan smiled, handing him the unopened can. “Where d’you wanna walk?”

“Path by the lake?” He suggested.

“Sounds good to me.”

The two of them set off.

“You doing okay?” Jared asked.

Evan furrowed his brow. “I might ask you the same question.”

“It’s been. Well. It’s certainly been!” He said. He took a deep breath, let it out. Adjusted his grip on his can of Coke. It was warm out for November. He took another deep breath. “I, ah,” he hummed, “I’m just going to jump into this, man, I… Yeah, no. I, so,” Jared laughed. “Sorry, sorry, I’m just getting my thoughts in order.”

“Take your time, Jare,” Evan said. His voice was soft. Jared kind of felt like putting himself in a blender and turning it on high power.

“So. I… We talked a lot when we first started, uh- reconciling? About like, why things happened the way they did.” Jared took a breath, let it out. “And I told you how I’d been like, in love with you and that’s why I’d treated you so badly, because I was scared you’d catch on and leave?”

Evan nodded. 

“This was… yeah. Pretty much exactly that. I was… I don’t know, I…” Jared laughed, looked up at the sky, back down at the ground. “I liked… I still like. You. And I… Fuck, man.” He took another breath, staring down and deliberately away from Evan. “It hurt to hide it and I thought the only solution was to leave but when I left I realized it wasn’t the solution at all and I thought I was hurting you by hiding how I felt but maybe that was just, like… internalized homophobia or whatever? And I figured saying anything would be fucking it up but leaving would fuck it up irreversibly and that was stupid to even consider and…” Jared trailed off, looked up at Evan, who was nodding. A slight blush graced his cheeks. 

Jared looked away again. “I’ve been in love with you for so long, man, genuinely. I never wanted to… hurt you, or leave you, or…” And your eyes look like sunlight on honey and when you stand up straight and stop curling into yourself you look like you’re you could hang the whole world off your shoulders and your freckles are like constellations and…

“Jared,” Evan said quietly.

“And I get it if you don’t want to be around me because of this, like, I understand, and it’d hurt but I’d get it and I’d respect that and-”

“Jared,” Evan said again, a bit louder. Jared stopped soliloquizing to his shoes and glanced up. 

“Stop hyperventilating,” Evan said. He stopped walking, Jared stopping as he noticed. “There’s a bench right there, let’s sit.”

He followed Evan to the bench and sat down, putting his soda to the side and swinging his legs. Evan sat down next to him, looking over at him. The two of them were close together, their arms brushing. Jared tried not to notice.

“Do you remember our sophomore year school trip where we went to Florida overnight, and we went to Disneyworld, to ‘learn about physics’ or whatever?” Evan asked. 

“Yes?”

“Do you remember the fireworks?”

“Yeah?” 

“You were wearing your stupid cargo shorts and an Apocalypse of the Damned t-shirt, and you’d just gotten out of your wheelchair and were walking on crutches. You had those stupid Heelys on all the time despite everyone telling you it wasn’t safe. And we were sitting on a picnic blanket because I hated the sand and I remember being under the fireworks and the air smelled like smoke and saltwater and the lights were flickering over your face and all I really wanted to do was kiss you.”

It took Jared a moment to catch up. He remembered that night, Jared staring up at the sky, grinning at him, and, wait, fuck, oh.

“And it hurt, y’know, I pretty much— I figured Oh, he’s never gonna like me, this is stupid, he doesn’t care about me, and in retrospect of course you did but I was sixteen and scared and I didn’t… I was scared.” Evan shrugged.

Jared was still processing. 

“Anyway,” Evan said. “That’s when I started to, uh, to be distant. Because I liked you.” 

“You— what?” 

“Yeah.” Evan said. He laughed. “I feel like I’m fucking twelve saying this but I still do. Like you, I mean.”

The gears powering Jared’s brain had completely stopped moving. Were this a cartoon, there would be an audible squeak as his thoughts came to a stop.

“Wh— what?”

“Jared, I think we’re both stupid,” Evan said lightly.

Jared laughed. “I— yeah. We’re pretty dumb.” 

“We might be dumb,” Evan shrugged. “But I mean. We’re dumb and you’re pretty so why waste any more time, y’know?”

Evan cupped a hand on his jaw. Subconsciously, Jared tilted his head up, and Evan tilted his down.

“Is this okay?” Evan asked. He looked down at Jared, eyes soft.

“More than okay,” Jared mumbled. 

And then they were kissing. He was kissing Evan. Evan was kissing him.

Jared put a hand around his back and melted into him. God, Evan’s lips were softer and warmer than he remembered. When Evan tilted his chin up with his thumb he gasped.

Evan’s lips broke from Jared’s and he pressed them to Jared’s neck, his eyelashes fluttering against his jawline. Jared let out a gasp-slash-whimper he would rather have died than admit to. 

“Evan,” he whispered. The other boy pulled him closer, kissing one last spot on his neck and then kissing his lips again.

“Evan,” he mumbled again, this time into the taller boy’s mouth, as though it was the only word he knew anymore, and Evan pulled him even closer, kissing him harder, like they were about to die, like this was the last time they’d ever see each other.

When they broke apart Jared scrambled for something to say. Something about how long he’d been dreaming about this, something about how much he cared about the other.

What came out of his mouth was just “Gay.”

“Bi, actually,” Evan said. His voice was raspy. Jared was going to die.

“That’s fair.” 

Evan brushed his thumb across Jared’s lips. Jared sighed, just a little, and Evan shivered.

“Do you want to like… real-date? As opposed to fake dating?”

“Hell yeah,” Evan replied.

Jared stood, and held out a hand. Evan took it and stood with it and Jared stood on his toes to kiss Evan.

The two of them began to walk back, Evan keeping Jared’s hand in his own. The afternoon sun shone down on him, the light reflecting off his eyes. Jared was still processing what had just happened.

“God, if we’d just talked in like, tenth grade,” Jared said, shaking his head with a disbelieving laugh, “things would have been so different.”

“Man,” Evan laughed. “We could’ve been having our four year anniversary.”

“We’d be in our wedding planning stage,” Jared joked.

“Married with three kids,” Evan said.

“And a dog, and a white picket fence outside our house.”

Evan laughed, and fuck, Jared felt like he was melting, like Evan’s laugh was the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard. 

Chapter Text

The two of them entered the Dunkin Donuts, Jared turning to Evan to say “I'm buying your doughnut.” Then, quieter, he added, “Hear that, world? I’m buying my boyfriend a doughnut!”

“Why’d you say it so quietly?”

“'Cause you’re my whole world,” Jared said.

“Oh my God, shut up,” Evan giggled. 

Jared laughed. “You want a Boston Creme, I assume?”

“Mhm. Thank you.”

“Of course.” He stepped up to the counter, where, to his surprise, KitKat was working.

“Oh my God, hi again!” Jared said. “Could I get a Boston Creme donut, a chocolate glazed donut, and two Mountain Dews?”

“Of course,” KitKat said, clicking a couple buttons on the register. “That’ll be seven dollars and sixty-two cents! Would you like to round up to eight dollars to support our programs?”

“Sure,” Jared said, pulling a ten dollar bill out of his pocket. KitKat open the register and handed him his change before turning back to grab the sodas and doughnuts.

“Thank you!” Jared said

“Of course,” James said. “Have a nice night!”

“Thanks, you too!”

He and Evan picked out a table and sat down, Evan taking the further seat. Maybe he was ridiculous for finding that so sweet.

The two of them ate the doughnuts pretty quick and Jared sipped at his Mountain Dew as the two talked about nothing, resting his cheek on his fist. Evan’s face was lit up as he explained something, and the freckles dotting his cheeks were darker than usual under the flourescent light.

Evan stopped talking and Jared blinked, realizing he’d completely zoned out of what Evan was saying in favor of just staring at him.

“Are you okay?” Evan asked.

“Yeah, I’m good. You’re just really pretty,” Jared said. 

“Shut up,” Evan said fondly. 

“No. Now I can say it. I’m gonna take advantage of that. Fuck you. You’re pretty.”

“You’re gay.”

“I know. When guys like you exist, how couldn’t I be?”

Evan’s blush deepened. “Shut up, oh my god.”

“You shut up.”

“You’re pretty yourself,” Evan responded.

“Fuck off.”

“Do you wanna like…” Evan paused, apparently considering his words. “Not to be too forward. But do you wanna like, go to the bathroom and make out?”

Jared flushed and stood up. “Yeah, sounds good to me.”

The two of them made their way into the bathroom and Evan pressed him against the wall and kissed him, fingers running through his hair. Jared pulled him closer by his shirt, sighing.

“You’re so pretty,” Evan mumbled into his mouth. “You’re so fucking pretty.” He pressed a kiss to Jared’s jaw, then pulled back. “Is this okay?”

“Mhm. More than okay.”

Evan kissed him again, putting his hands on Jared’s waist and pressing him into the wall. Evan bit at his bottom lip and Jared moaned.

“God.” “It’s Evan, but good guess,” Evan replied immediately. “Shut the fuck up.”

“No. You shut up.”

Jared ran his fingers through Evan’s hair and Evan kissed him so hard that Jared thought he might go blind. Jared started trailing kisses down his jaw and neck.

Evan tugged Jared’s hair the way he’d just done. 

“Do that again,” Jared breathed. “Please.”

“Well. Since you said please,” Evan said, tugging at his hair again. Jared moaned into his mouth.

“You’re so pretty,” Evan whispered. “So, so pretty.” 

Jared worked on controlling his heart rate.

“We gotta go back," Evan said, cupping Jared’s jaw in his hand. “We’ve been gone. Several minutes, for sure.”

“You’re not making that very easy,” Jared pointed out as Evan kissed his jaw, still pressing him into the wall.

“What a shame,” Evan joked, but he backed up, giving Jared one last kiss. Jared ran his fingers through his hair and reached for the doorknob. Evan took his other hand, checking in the mirror to make sure he looked presentable, and the two walked back to their table, probably significantly more flushed.

Jared took a sip of his Mountain Dew. “Are you gay, by any chance?” He asked.

Evan grinned as he sat down. “A little bit, yeah.”

“A manliker? You like men?”

“Fortunately,” Evan grinned. The freckles on his cheeks appeared darker under the fluorescent lights.

“It’s fuckin’ wild,” Jared said, “that all this happened because my ex girlfriend sucks balls.”

“Butterfly effect. A butterfly flies over a tower in Brazil and there’s a hurricane in Florida. Your ex girlfriend sucks balls and now we’re dating.”

“I went to a summer camp when I was 7 and now we’re dating,” Jared said.

“My mom moved to Texas when she was 22 and now we’re dating.”

"Fuck dude. We're dating."

"We're dating," Evan smiled softly.

Chapter Text

“Happy Valentine's Day,” Evan exclaimed.

It took a moment for the words to register, Jared still groggy and half asleep.

“H’ppy… happy valentine’s day,” he mumbled.

“Wake up,” Evan said, bouncing the bed and rocking Jared a little bit.

“No.”

“Jared,” he groaned, throwing himself over Jared again.

“This has had the exact opposite effect of what you want,” Jared said. 

“I have chocolate?”

“Tempting offer, but no.” Jared was comfortable, with Evan’s arms around him. 

Evan pressed a kiss to the back of Jared’s neck. “Fuck off, I’m sleeping.”

“No you’re not,” Evan said. He ruffled Jared’s hair. “Get up. I want to say something nice to you.”

“I like hearing nice things about myself,” Jared contemplated. He turned around, facing Evan. “Tell me.”

Evan gave him a quick kiss. “Fine, fine. Now shut up.”

“No.” 

“You never were good at listening,” Evan sighed, clicking his tongue.

“Shut up.”

Evan shook his head, laughing. “Let me be nice to you!”

“Fine,” Jared laughed.

“Okay, okay. I— I, I remember- I remember realizing I fell for you back in high school, but I don’t remember falling for you, because it happened so slowly I missed it, but I still remember realizing I always looked at you like you hung the stars in the sky yourself. And if I could tell that kid about— this, about us, I wouldn’t— I wouldn’t believe it, but… it’s real, we’re real.” He let out a slight laugh. “I don’t know, Jare, I just love you a lot.”

Evan’s voice broke, and he buried his face in Jared’s hair, and Jared wrapped his arms around him.

“I love you a lot too,” Jared said. He took a shaky breath and smiled into Evan’s arms. “I’m glad I found you.”

“I’m glad I found you.”