Work Text:
January 13, XXXX
I have a crush. And it’s blooming like a Morning Glory.
Rather than an insistent knocking on his heart, he felt his mood lift and chest warm. The presence of the other man calmed him and slowed his brain to a more acceptable pace.
He was mysterious and strong. He was aloof but observant. He was just oh so attractive.
When they held hands on the mountain it felt as if the world finally stilled. No more regret. No more heaviness. No more depressive feelings.
He made me feel as though I’ve finally gone home.
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January 27
I hadn’t known it then, but the young Anbu that dragged me away from my burning apartment during the Kyuubi attack was Kakashi. Back then I was in too much shock to even notice the infamous Hound mask. I was busy attacking him, trying to get free to run back to my dying house. My parents were protecting Konoha, and I was protecting our home.
Bright yellow and red embers filled the night sky as the roaring beast destroyed everything in his path. Little Iruka could only watch, frozen in place by fear and determination. Suddenly he was jostled by his mother.
“Iruka, don't join us in this battle. Stay safe!”
“No I have to help!” Steeling himself Iruka looked her directly in the eyes, scared determination showing.
“Protect our home then! Don’t follow us!”
She didn’t think he would protect it with all his might, but he did because that burning apartment was the only thing grounding him from acknowledging the definite destruction of his current life. He wasn’t stupid, he knew his parents weren’t coming back. He knew that this would be the last time he would see either of them. He doubted they would be lucky enough to survive because really no one was that lucky. There were half melted corpses of strong, trusted shinobi strewn about everywhere, so what was the possibility of distrusted ex-Mist shinobi lasting as long.
He knew everything would be different so holding on to one thing that wouldn’t, shouldn’t, waver like his haven was the only thing keeping him from spiraling.
So no. He wouldn’t let this masked Anbu take him away from what he swore he would protect because he may not be the strongest, but damn him he would rather die protecting this burning building than be whisked away to safety.
Every part of my body was screaming at me to free myself from the clutches of the Anbu who was taking me farther and farther away from my mission.
I hated him then. Hated him with everything I had because the farther we got the more I could tell the flames were devouring my home.
I’m falling in love with him now.
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April 10, XXXX
Life has been getting too much lately. Naruto’s absence has been very tough. Without anyone to depend on me I feel as though I’m withering away. I am nobody's number one anymore. I’m ultimately useless. I’m positive Sasuke is now his number one, and Jiraiya is probably second. I’m probably not even in the listing anymore. I’m definitely an afterthought or a vague, but fond, memory. It really hurts to be alone again. I don’t think I can handle this a second time. It was too much for me the first time.
There's nothing keeping the pain at bay anymore. It’s resurfacing. I feel the numbness creeping into me, and I feel hollow. All my pain is coming back to me. Naruto helped me get rid of my hatred and anger, but he’s gone now and the darkness is returning. I think… I shouldn’t be here anymore. I should run away. I shouldn’t be alive.
I shouldn’t be feeling like this.
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April 23, XXXX
I looked in the mirror today. Teaching isn’t doing me right. I’m getting fat. Chubby. Not like there’s anything wrong with being on the heavier side. Oh no. The Akimichis are highly respected shinobi. But I’m not them. I’m not great. I’m weak. I’m becoming weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak.
I’ve become a laughing stock, and I doubt anyone will take me seriously anymore. The lead in my veins have slowly diminished. I’m not as powerful, rather I feel as if I’m a pathetic sickly idiot. Getting back in the training fields will be difficult though because of my lack of friends. I know me, and I know I work and grow better with someone helping me. But damn asking an “acquaintance” would make me feel even worse. Pathetic little Iruka too stupid to train by himself. I could always use my summons. That’ll scare them. They’ll look at me with fear, and then I’ll no longer be lonely little Iruka. Oh how tasty that would be. I could be as feared as Anko or even sensei if I started working harder.
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April 30, XXXX
I’m not happy anymore.
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May 19, XXXX
Shino was teaching the students today, so I just sat back and watched the little gremlins. It was nice seeing how quiet reserved Shino was able to get the children to listen and behave without raising his voice. He’ll end up giving me a run for my money at this rate which makes me all that much prouder. It’s refreshing to see the difference I’ve made in his life. I’ve achieved my goal of preparing my children for the real world. I trust Shino to take over for when I finally retire because I know he learned from the best.
It was also nostalgic just watching the children train with small weapons for the first time. It filled me with a dull pain that my past self is far away from where I am now. No more pranks, no more yearning for attention, no more starvation. It was much harder back then, but yet somehow it was also carefree. Fun.
“IRUKA STOP FOOLING AROUND!”
“Bite me sensei!”
I was such an idiot. But thats how kids are. It was nice. Today was nice.
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August 1, XXXX
I want to die.
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July 3, XXXX
I finally got the balls to apologize to Kakashi today even though it has been a few years since the distorous chunin exam. I felt really bad about letting this animosity fester between us because of my passed inability to not trust his judgment about my kids (especially Naruto). I just didn’t want to lose Naruto if I’m being honest. He’s the only family I have left, and the thought of him possibly dying or becoming chunin and leaving me was too much. I didn’t want either of those situations to happen because it would’ve destroyed me. But in the end he still ended up leaving, so I should have apologized much sooner. I ended up alone either way. He left me in a completely unexpected scenario. He wasn’t supposed to leave when he failed, but he ended up with a “better” teacher in the end. He left Kakashi as well though. Which made my still angry half happy that I wasn’t the only one suffering. But that was the past and the past hurts a lot. The present is different and it’s okay now cause I’ve become closer to Kakashi because of Naruto’s absence. Kakashi and I go out and eat now. We talk about the kids, our likes and dislikes, our wants for the future. Once during a walk he even summoned a few of his dogs. This helped my stress levels a lot. I love the feel of fluffy and soft dog fur under my fingertips.
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August 27, XXXX
I let my brain take control today. My first mistake. I hate it so much. Everytime I let it run free it makes me feel like garbage, and I end up with every muscle in my body screaming at me to slam my head into the wall. I just want everything to stop. Everything is too much. Always way too much. Too much. Too much. Too much.
God you’re so fucking annoying. Can’t you ever shut up? You say the stupidest shit all the time, and where does that get you. Huh?! And screaming at Kakashi about the chunin exam? What the hell is wrong with you? You weren’t there teacher for so long back then, and suddenly you thought you knew them better than him? The man who trains them, go on missions with them, and protects them! You utter imbecile what were you expecting? A schoolteacher who taught them the basics of basics or a man who taught them actual justus? And this is only one thing you’ve messed up in the list of thousands you fucking fool.
It shouldn't hurt me as much as it does, but it’s really getting to me. So is writing in this dumb diary. I don’t understand why I have a journal for my emotions. Everyone else doesn’t have to. This is just another thing showing me how weak and stupid I am compared to the rest of the world. This makes me feel incredibly stupid.
Though I shouldn’t be talking so horribly about this journal because it was a very special gift. It was nice of Mizuki’s mom to buy it for me all those years ago. Though, I doubt she expected me to use it for my emotional ramblings. But Old Man Sarutobi told me to use it for this when he saw me crashing when I was still outwardly suffering. As annoying as this journal may seem, I guess it is helping me, atleast just a little.
I can see how I’ve changed. I was in a much darker time in my childhood. Back then my life was only fun when I was around others, and an absolute disaster when I was alone. The dark thoughts I wrote down scare me now when I look back at it. This dumb little book gives me a chance to reflect on myself. It’s supposed to help reform me and help me mentally, but I don’t know how well it’s doing either of those. I feel like I’ve been constantly spiraling between happiness, and complete depression. But this is the only way I can vent.
Idiot doesn’t even have friends to vent to, and has to use an atrophying diary.
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September 10, XXXX
I’m meeting Kakashi for lunch again. We’ve been getting pretty close lately. He actually asked me to be his boyfriend during sunset. It was so romantic. I guess his dumb porn books have a little plot to them after all. Kakashi’s not exactly a secret romantic in a sense.
I feel as though I’m a part of something. It’s really sweet. We went to the top of the Hokage mountain where there is a hidden field of flowers, and layed there for what felt like hours, and just talked. We talked about his dogs, my summons, our pasts, and books. He likes to read actual romance novels, and mystery, thriller, and just so much more. He genuinely adores reading and he said that he has a library in his apartment! I really have fallen for this man. Far more than I would have ever expected. Being with him was euphoric, as if it was a dream come true.
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October 1, XXXX
Kakashi can be a total asshole.
Kakashi is a total asshole. How dare he treat me like I’m a pathetic little chunin. Everyone already coddles me how dare he think he can do the same. I asked him to spar with me, and he hesitated. He fucking hesitated . He never hesitates when any of his friends ask him, he never pauses and looks at them as if they were glass. I had to basically beg him into sparring, and he went easy on me. I begged and he went easy. How dare, just how fucking dare he. That’s not fair. And it doesn’t help that it’s almost Naruto’s birthday, and I don’t even know if he’s coming back or if I’m even invited to the party The Konoha Eleven will definitely have if he does. They aren’t close with me anymore, and my stress levels are increasing. I hate the isolation that has come to surround me, and I hate the coddling. I just hate everything .
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October 30, XXXX
I need help.