Work Text:
He felt absolutely elated. The pounding in his head was just divine while his heart was trying to break through every layer of skin to fly with the birds. He made a friend. After being the social pariah of his Academy class, he had finally made a friend (though acquaintance for now because he does not know the appropriate amount of time for when an acquaintance becomes a friend, but he’ll figure it out because he made a friend).
His little arms couldn’t stay still as he walked beside his new acquaintance Mizuki. He had to contain himself from just sprinting away in excitement.
The other boy, Mizuki, had invited Iruka to his house.
A play date!
The small child felt as if he was going to burst from joy.
They first went to the park close by to the academy, then to the candy shop (Mizuki paid for the both of them!), and finally went to Mizuki’s house.
I’m going to go to someone else’s home!
“Mizuki-chan who is this?” The tall woman looked down at Iruka. Though she had kind brown eyes, Iruka couldn’t help but feel intimidated. Not every adult was nice to him, one must pick and choose.
His hesitance was known to the older women. She looked down at him gently, “Iruka?”
“Y-yes ma’am?”
“I know you’ve been alone for a little while, after the battle .” No one has given it a name yet, the wounds were still new and bleeding. “So I was wondering if you would like to come here more often. Mizuki-chan loves being around you.”
“O-ok.”
“Come let’s have dinner.”
After dinner when Iruka goes home- and wraps himself in his blankets, and curls in the corner where futon meets wall- he lets the loneliness set in.
~*~
It was after their mission, they were high on the feeling of their first C class. Iruka had swiped a few beers from his neighbor for the celebration.
“Mizukiiii.” He slurred towards his companion cuddled at his side.
“Yes Iruka?” The taller boy looked down at the other that he is curled up with, “What is it?”
“You’re my friend right? I’m not alone?”
“Of course not, I love you.”
“Mizuki?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you too.”
*
After that, Iruka spent days thinking back on the feeling of Mizuki’s muscled chest under his own, the smell of musk from a hard day's work, the tickle of breath when he was spoken too, and the love they held for each other.
I’m not alone anymore. Someone cares for me again.
He was giddy with pleasure. He had a true, bright, smile, rather than the crooked slant of his mouth that usually fooled everyone. He felt good for the first time in a long time since his parent’s death. He felt like he could do something real not be the jester that everyone glanced at when he garnered attention. All because Mizuki loved him. The love was mutual, and left a pleasant feeling in the pit of his stomach where it usually felt like lead was resting its poisonous head. He could feel promise in his future, which caused him to feel light headed.
Not alone. Not alone. Not alone.
His home would still be empty when he entered, but it felt like there was a warmer presence. A phantom of the the familial intimacy it used to hold- not as cold, not as lonely. Every moment he spent with Mizuki filled his empty cup to the brim, causing the liquid to pour out and increase his optimism about life. After the Nine Tails’ attack all seemed lost.
I shouldn’t be complaining. I shouldn’t be feeling this happy over something so little. I am fairly well off; there are others suffering far more than I am. There is no reason for me to act as though my very being has been atrophying from the lack of petty (addictive) attention.
Many were left orphaned or widowed, losing irreplaceable people in their lives. He was left alone at the ripe age of eight. His parents being jounin left him at the apartment so they could go fend for their home. Not his home. No, Konoha wasn’t home. His home was the tiny apartment his family lived in after they fled the water country. Though that couldn’t be called home anymore either.
~*~
They were walking through the market, and Iruka went to go take Mizuki’s hand, but the other boy whipped his away like he had been burned.
“ What are you doing? ” Mizuki whispered harshly. The harshness of it frightened Iruka.
What did I do wrong?
Iruka looked towards Mizuki, his eyes showing a diverse set of emotion, but one stood out the most...confusion. “Trying to hold your hand, that’s what couples do.”
“And when did we become a couple?”
With ernest hesitation Iruka turned towards Mizuki, “Oh. I-I thought because uh w-we were um, you know !” His face turning beet red with embarrassment at being wrong.
“Iruka I don't think you know.”
But. You said.
*
He was humiliated, utterly horrifically humiliated . How could he be such a fool to think the touches and glances were anything other than friendly interaction? Mizuki was right, he didn’t know!
He said he loved me! I thought he meant a more want, sexual love! Not platonic! How could I have missed it, we never really touched! We have only jacked off at each other. That was the most intimate thing we did other than cuddling!
Iruka knew then that he has truly become the fool. He realized that he was never the clown of the class that everyone laughed with, but the fool that everybody laughed at.
They must all be laughing at me! They must have known! They must have all been doing this together, and I never realized because I was never a friend but a jester. I was only there for their amusement.
Oh kami. Oh kami. Oh kami. Oh kami.
I can’t show my face again! They will know.
He sharply turned away from Mizuki and sprinted back home.
When he entered his house it lacked the previous almost homey feeling it used to hold. No more was the kind warmth that heated up his body from the cold society out the doors. No, instead the chill ghosted up and around his body, filtering into the warm cracks that still held, until he felt nothing. Just empty.
He felt as empty as this house.
I’m homeless.
He was left to pilfer for food and shelter after the death of parents. The Hokage granted him this small lodging because the orphanages were all filled. He was given the bare minimum, and was expect to live as an adult when he was still a child.
I’m wasn’t ready. I’m still not ready. Please, someone come and care for me.
He seated himself in the trench between his bed and the wall. Curling tighter around himself, he tried to disappear. The space in between his chest and legs felt like an endless void. A black hole that sucked up everything that kept him going for the past weeks until there was nothing.
He wanted to be sucked in.
A person’s first home is their mother’s womb, their last is the Earth’s crust. Yet, all the homes in between are supposed to mean just as much to a person as their first and last would, but mine doesn’t. It is only a place to return to for basic shelter, no feeling behind the walls. Just a house, just an apartment, not a home.
I feel so stupid. I’m a ninja; ninja are strong not timorous like me. They’ll all laugh me for being weak. My biggest enemy isn’t supposed to be internal loneliness and a broken heart. Ninja go through torture, and what I’m going through is far from torture. Rather, a slight discomfort that should be dealt with. My mind is just asinine.
Uncurling from his cramped posture, Iruka got up and held a different air around him. No longer was the air just cold, no, it was frigid. An arctic aura surrounded the newly made man.
I’m made of lead. It no longer sleeps in my stomach, but runs through my veins. I’m poisonous.
I’m dangerous.
~*~
The next time Iruka met the Hokage the old man propositioned him for teaching. Iruka was about to answer negatively, but then the Hokage said Mizuki would be there.
Mizuki? I can be near him. No, I can show him. I can show him that I am above the groveling fool that I was before, and that I understand how social interactions work now.
“It’s only an apprenticeship for now, you will be handling other more vital missions as well as learning how to teach the newer generations the Will of Fire.”
Iruka only nodded at the man, and waited to be addressed to leave.
*
Even though Iruka got to hang around Mizuki more often, so he may show Mizuki that he was better than before, the whole ordeal was numbing. He would go to the Academy, help the teacher educate the children, brush past Mizuki and offer a formal greeting, and then either go home or on a short mission. This repetition persisted until the day Iruka finally became a full time teacher, and acquired the Demon Child, Naruto, in his class.
No matter how hard he tried, he could not hate or shun the boy like the rest of the village. He represented too much of Iruka when he was younger and how he is now. Iruka watched the boy grow. Originally timorous then slowly following Iruka’s path of becoming a fool.
He tried to help Naruto. But he was just like the boy, alone. So he pampered the child, and mothered him as if it would make up for his lack of family when he was younger. He bought the boy ramen even though it was bad, taught him convenient pranks that only Iruka new the way around even though it would make the boy unpopular with his peers, and let him stay over in his own empty apartment that he never had the guts to leave. He knew he wasn’t helping the boy much, rather he was a detriment to him. Yet, there was a small, evil, part of him that wanted Naruto isolated. He wanted the boy all to himself, he wanted Naruto to depend on him. He didn’t want the boy to make friends, and leave Iruka like so many others had.
Mizuki was once again what he originally started out as, an acquaintance. An awkward one at that, and all his new friends in the Academy and the Missions Desk were politely distant. Never looking farther than his pleasant smiles, and kind words. He has been alone since Naruto was born. Though that the statement was false because he briefly had Mizuki and Mizuki’s family. But he had the feeling that they only tolerated him. They never truly cared. Mizuki’s parents probably thought him as a charity case; Mizuki was probably forced to be friends with him and got annoyed, so he tricked Iruka into thinking he was loved and cared for.
He didn’t feel quite as alone as long as he monopolized the small child’s attention. He was at the most content, and at the least deplorable for his selfish actions.
How horrible of me, stealing a child’s attention so they may care about me. I want to be somebody else’s number one. I don't want to be second or last or anything in between. I want to be important.
~*~
Naruto left. Iruka was already losing touch with him when he was put into his new genin team, but atleast they did their usual ramen outings and sleep overs, though to a far lesser degree. But now the boy, no man, was truly gone. Left him for an older, stronger, perverted teacher. Though he wasn’t the only one Naruto left, he left many people like his team and friends and his other older, stronger, perverted teacher, Kakashi.
I’m so rude. The man is very kind (sometimes).
While Iruka was contemplating the more pleasing aspects of the man (strong jaw, muscles, brain, skill) he didn’t realize there was another being close by.
“Iruka?”
Resisting the urge to flinch, Iruka turned face to face with the aforementioned man.
“What are you doing here all alone on the top of the Sandaime’s head?”
“Thinking.”
“May I join you?”
“If you must.”
“Oh I must.”
So Kakashi settled down on their late Hokage’s head right next to Iruka. He settled his hand over the other man’s as they looked over at Konoha, a place that was still not quite home. And if Iruka rested his head on Kakashi's shoulder the man didn’t say anything, and if Kakashi tightened his grip on Iruka’s hand Iruka didn’t say anything. The two lonely boys stayed their until morning, observing Konoha and each other in little glances. Iruka truly hoped that at least this would last.
I don’t feel so alone anymore.