Chapter Text
Jason never gets phone calls. It’s 2018, everyone texts. Even Alfred texts him. So when the call comes through just after 9 Jason is more than a little concerned. Especially when he spot’s Dick’s name on the caller ID.
“What’s up Dickface?” He asks in greeting, trying to not let any worry seep into his voice.
“Hey. Hi. Jason. How quick can you make it to my place in Blüdhaven?” Dick’s voice seems calm and somehow that worries Jason more.
“Uhh, half an hour?” Jason shrugs.
“Cool. See you then.” Dick hangs up the phone.
Jason stares down at the phone for a few seconds. That was weird. Really weird. Dick likes to talk. A lot. So having a conversation that short with Dick on the phone was just weird. Yah, he should really get to Blüdhaven ASAP.
It only takes him a few minutes to get back to his bike and then he’s tearing out of Gotham like a bat out of hell. It’s Tuesday night so the highways are quiet. Thank god for that because Jason is breaking pretty much every traffic law out there. When he finally hits Blüdhaven he’s run through just about every scenario in his head to why Dick had asked him to Blüdhaven. Most of them end in Dick being in peril and that’s pretty much the last thing Jason wants.
He stows his bike next to Dick’s building and grapples up to Dick’s balcony. He’s about to slide the patio open when he hears voices inside.
“Look, Gloria-”
“I expected better of you, Richard. You will be hearing more of this in the morning once I’ve talked with Eduardo.” A female voice yells. A second later the door slams shut and the apartment falls silent.
Jason winces. Sounds like Dick’s night isn’t going great. He cautiously slides the patio door open and enters the apartment. Dick wanders into the living room, scowling down at his phone. To Jason’s great relief Dick seems uninjured though his clothing seems suspiciously damp.
“’Sup Dickface?” Jason says as a greeting.
“Jesus fuck!” Dick drops his phone and gapes at Jason. He puts a hand over his chest and his face turns into a scowl. “Stop calling me Dickface.”
“Well, Dick,” Jason gestures at all of Dick then points at his face, “face. Dickface.”
Dick rolls his eyes so hard Jason is surprised they don’t roll out of his head. “Whatever.” He lets out a sigh and his demeanour switches from annoyed to defeated. “Glad you made it.”
“So what’s the emergency? I hope it’s good because I broke like... every traffic law.” Jason crosses his arms over his chest and leans back against the patio door.
“You what? You didn’t need to do that, Jay.” Dick frowns.
“You called me, asked me how fast I could get here and then hung up on me! What was I supposed to think?” Jason threw his arms up in the air in exasperation.
“Ok, yah, now that you put it that way I can see why you panicked.” Dick runs his hand through his hair. His hair that is normally perfectly styled. His hair that is currently sticking up in every direction. “Look, I just... I didn’t know who else to call.”
Jason steps forward and lays a hand on Dick’s shoulder. “Look, I know that things in the past between us have been... whatever... but the point is I’m here for you, Dickie.”
Dick offers Jason a weak smile. “Thanks. So. What do you know about dishwashers?”
“Dishwashers?” Jason’s eyebrows raise in question.
“Yah, dishwashers.”
Glancing back at Dick’s wet clothing Jason can just feel dread creeping in. “What did you do, Dick?”
Dick lets out a nervous laugh and heads towards the kitchen. “I like barely use any dishes so I usually just hand wash them. This is the first apartment I’ve had that’s actually had a dishwasher anyway so I was honestly kind of intimidated by it.”
The dread that was building in Jason’s stomach intensifies as he steps into the kitchen. Everything’s damp and most of the low cupboards are hanging open. Jason’s mouth falls open and he’s rendered speechless.
“I had just started on patrol when Gloria called me. I don’t even know how she got my number.”
“And Gloria is?” Jason asks.
“The divorcee that lives in the apartment below me. Anyway she’s yelling at me about water spots on her ceiling so I rush home and I step into the kitchen and just – there were so many bubbles, Jay.” Dick looks at him, fear in his eyes. “I have never seen so many bubbles in my life.”
Just the way that Dick’s staring at him, eyes wide and fearful it makes something snap in Jason and a loud laugh bubbles out. “You put fucking Dawn into the dishwasher?” He manages to ask between giggles.
“How was I supposed to know that you can’t put dish soap in a dishwasher?” Dick throws his arms in the air.
“Dickie that’s like...” Jason has to cover his face and swallow a few giggles, “It’s like basic adulting.”
Dick crosses his arms over his chest and glares at Jason. “I’ve never had a dishwasher before, even back at the manor. You know Alfred preferred to wash his dishes by hand. And on that note not like I ever had a normal-” Dick makes an exasperated shrug, “anything. Nothing in my life is normal. I grew up in a circus; my adoptive dad is Batman; heck I don’t even have any friends that don’t have an alter ego!”
Gently Jason lays a hand on Dick’s shoulder. “It’s ok, Dickie. I got you. Not like my life’s been any less weird. At least you haven’t died.”
“Well...”
Jason scoffs. “You only fake died.”
“I had to be resuscitated.” Dick counters.
“Whatever.” Jason pushes past Dick to inspect the kitchen. “Do you need help cleaning up?”
“Nah, I got most of it. And looking back I uhh really didn’t need to call you out here. Sorry to make you come all the way to Blüdhaven for no reason.” Dick stares down at the floor looking sheepish.
“It’s fine. Not like I had any big plans. Was probably just going to shoot some drug dealers or something.” Dicks eyes widen and he looks like he’s about to protest but Jason cuts him off. “like in the knee or with rubber bullets or something. I try really hard not to kill people any more.”
The squinty look Dick gives Jason has some doubt to it but eventually Dick lets out a soft sigh and gestures towards his living room. “I guess we could do, uhh, normal people things? What do normal people even do?”
Jason shrugs, “Beats me.”
The two stand in awkward silence, glancing around the kitchen.
“Oh! I have a thing. We can watch Netflix. And Chill.” Dick says excitedly.
Jason’s mouth drops open. “That- I don’t-” He splutters as he tries to find the right words.
“I used that wrong, didn’t I?” Dick covers his face in embarrassment. “It’s a sex thing isn’t it?”
Jason nods his head because he doesn’t have the words to answer Dick. Mostly because he would very much like to Netflix and chill but there was no way in hell he was admitting that. Ever.
“Ok. Cool. Let’s pretend I didn’t say that. So uhh just go sit on my couch and I’ll find some beers or something.”
Deciding that he’s just going to let this slide Jason saunters into the living room and plops gracelessly onto Dick’s couch. It’s surprisingly comfortable. He’s about to sprawl out when he realises that he’s still in most of his Red Hood gear. God he’s not going to watch movies in body armour so he starts shucking his gear until he’s down to a t-shirt, his pants and socks.
A couple minutes later Dick comes into the room, bag of cheese puffs tucked under his arm and carrying two beers and a bag of licorice. He sets everything on the coffee table and then goes about trying to get Netflix loaded up.
Jason grabs his phone out of his pocket to check his messages quick but winds up dropping it on the floor. He curses, reaches down to grab his phone and immediately brings his hand back up. “Jesus Christ Dick, have you ever heard of a vacuum?”
The sharp glare that Dick shoots him verifies that yes, he does indeed know what a vacuum is. “Look, I’m not home a lot, and when I am home I’m usually passed out sleeping. So what if I forget to vacuum sometimes?”
Making a disgusted face Jason grabs his phone off the ground and brushes a giant hairball and some crumbs off of it. “Have you ever heard of a Roomba? Because we’re getting you a fucking Roomba.”
“Those are one of the little robot vacuums, right? I think I have one of those in the spare bedroom.”
“You think you just have a spare Roomba sitting around? What, do you just have a like bunch of random crap in there you bought and never opened?”
The guilty look on Dick’s face says it all.
“Oh no... do I even want to know what’s in there?” Jason asks, worry creeping into his voice.
“I get bored sometimes when I’m on stakeouts. So I online shop. Mostly on AliExpress.”
“What the hell is an AliExpress?” Jason blurts out.
Dick shifts nervously on the couch. “Steph introduced me to it. It’s just an online shopping site where you can buy like anything you can think of really cheap from China and then it will show up on your doorstep a couple months later.”
“You’re literally the son of a billionaire...” Jason trails off, unsure where to even go with his statement.
“Don’t knock it until you try it.” Dick says weakly.
“Yah, no thank you.” Jason crosses his arms over his chest.
“Well, that watch came from AliExpress.” Dick gestures at Jason’s wrist.
This is Jason’s favourite watch. It’s got a cool skull on it. He wears it everywhere (not that he would ever admit that to Dick). “Yah, whatever.” Jason mutters and makes a mental note to check out this site because OK maybe it can’t be all bad.
The room falls into silence again as Dick struggles with bringing up Netflix on his TV. Jesus the guy can hack any computer system but give him a regular old TV and a Roku box and it’s like watching someone’s grandma. It’s sad and Jason can’t bear to watch it for another second.
“Alright, let’s go set up this Roomba.” Jason gets up off the couch and starts heading towards the bedrooms.
“But...” Dick gestures at the TV where he’s just managed to load up Netflix.
“Netflix will still be here when we’re done. I can’t live knowing that you got Cousin It dwelling under your couch.”
“Yah, OK.” Dick says dejectedly and stands up. “It’s the first door on your right.”
They step into the room and Jason has to stifle a gasp. It is a disaster. Clothes are strewn across the floor, boxes and mailer envelopes are piled high on the bed (well Jason assumes it’s a bed but it’s hard to tell under all the packages), and Jason is pretty sure there is blood smeared on the dresser.
“Oh Dickie...” Jason puts a hand over his mouth to hide his look of alarm.
Nervously Dick runs his hand through his hair. “Yah, I may have let it get a little out of hand...”
“I guess that settles it. I’ll grab my crap tomorrow and move in.”
Dick gapes at Jason. “You’ll what?”
“Well, it’s obvious that neither of us are really great at this adult thing so I just thought maybe we could try it together? You know, between the two of us make one functioning adult?”
Nervously Jason shifts from foot to foot. He clearly did not think this through. But now that he’s said it it seems like a really good idea. Well maybe not really good but he likes the sound of it. Looking around the room again he concedes that it’s a terrible idea but well he already said the words so dammit he’s committed.
“Ok.” Dick squeaks out.
Swallowing a whoop of delight Jason claps Dick on the shoulder. “This is gonna be fun.”