Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I still can’t believe that the one you choose to have a crush on is Carlisle” Bella teased as we prepared dinner for Charlie. He was busy watching the game.

“C’mon, Bella, you of all people should know that we don’t choose how we feel.” I pointed out.

She pressed on. “You’re not even gonna deny it? That you like him?” She paused her movements while I continued to get the salad ready.

I shrugged. “What’s not to like? And remember, you like him, too. Everyone likes him. He’s a likeable guy.”

Bella scoffed. “You know what I mean. I don’t like him the way you like him.”

“Well, there are certainly other people who do. Like, say, Esme? Y’know, his mate?”

Bella shook her head impatiently. “I already told you, it’s not what you think. They’re not…involved, exactly. They’re friends, best friends, but the reason they’re together is because Carlisle wanted a stable life for a family, if he should have one. He turned Edward before he turned Esme; he wanted his ‘adopted’ son to have the best life possible.”

I kept my eyes focused on the lettuce I was rinsing. “That’s admirable of him. I still won’t be a homewrecker, whether or not he’s ‘involved’ with his wife.” Suddenly, I fully processed what Bella had originally said. “Hey, what’s wrong with Carlisle? Actually, I can answer that for you: there’s nothing wrong with Carlisle.”

Bella held up her hands in mock-surrender. “I didn’t mean anything by it, I swear. I’m just saying…he’s the father figure! There’s Emmett, Jasper, Edward…”

I brandished the lettuce I was holding at her. “If you’re gonna try to imply that I have ‘daddy issues’ because I like Carlisle, I WILL beat you with this. I don’t care if you’re an invincible, immortal supermodel now.” I went back to patting the greens dry. “Anyway, none of the people you just mentioned are available in any way, shape, or form. Which you’re well aware of. At least, I hope you are, ‘cuz otherwise I’ll have to tell Edward to step up his game. You still don’t know he’s into you. That’s dense even for you, Bella.” I grinned as Bella hip-checked me gently in retaliation. She was getting better at knowing her own strength.

“I’m really not trying to imply that. I just…we were talking about how you don’t choose how you feel, and it’s interesting to me that out of all the Cullens, you fall for Carlisle.”

I giggled. “I hate to break it to you, Bella, but the Cullens aren’t the only dateable people in Forks. In fact, I’d say they’re the least dateable, you’re just special so they made an exception for you. A friggin’ huge exception.” Bella bumped my shoulder playfully, giggling as well.

I began chopping the lettuce. “Also, I’m surprised at you, Bella. You’re being pretty sexist by not mentioning any of the Cullen women.” I looked up when I heard Bella stop. She was staring at me with wide eyes; it made me laugh out loud. “So, I guess you didn’t know, then?”

Bella shook her head minutely. “No…I didn’t. So…you’re into…both?”

I shrugged and returned to my task. “It’s more like how I feel about people isn’t based on gender. It’s based on their personalities. I don’t really know what to call myself: I could be asexual, or pansexual, or bisexual. Personally, I think I’m probably ace because I don’t get what the big deal is about sex. But I’m not super concerned with what to call it. I know who I am and what I like; that’s what matters.”

“So…do you like any of the other Cullens?”

I laughed. “No: they’re just as unavailable as their mates are. But I appreciate how well you’re taking this. When I told Charlie, I thought he was gonna have a heart attack.”

“Oh my God, you told Charlie?”

“I don’t like hiding who I am, Bella. I had enough of that at home. It kinda just came out one night, all on its own. He was trying to ‘bond’ with me, like the sweetheart he is, so he asked if there were any high school boys I had my eye on. I said no, but I really like Angela Weber. His eyes got huge, kinda like yours did, and after sputtering for a while, he mumbled that the Webers were a good family. I was kinda being a brat because Angela was more of a friend than a crush. But if she was single, I’d go for it, so I thought Charlie should know.”

I scowled a bit. “Anyway, I wanted to know how Charlie would react. I know he’s a good man, but I’ve had bad experiences with people like that in the past, especially in a small town like Forks. He’s letting me stay in your room until I get my feet under me, and I needed to know if my landlord is queerphobic.”

A cool hand landed on my back, rubbing soothingly. “I understand. I’m sorry if I reacted poorly. Thanks for telling me. For trusting me.”

I smiled. “You reacted fine, Bella. Don’t worry. You even thanked me, which scores you major points.” I winked.

Bella smiled back at me. As she returned to cooking, she said “I haven’t forgotten that you have a crush Carlisle.”

I groaned in frustration. “Alice has been a bad influence on you.”

Chapter Text

“So, Bella tells me you have a crush on Carlisle.”

I paused reading aloud to Renesmee. “And hello to you too, Alice.”

Renesmee looked up at me from her seat in my lap, then touched my face to ask a question. “You like Grandpa?”

I sighed as I closed the book. She had asked me to read her the best book I had ever read, so I had chosen The Book Thief. She seemed to be enjoying it so far. She asked a lot of questions about the setting and World War II, which I couldn’t answer very well. I had to tell her to ask the Cullens because any of them would know much more than I did.

“Yes, honey. I like Grandpa. Don’t you like Grandpa?”

Alice interrupted. “There’s no point in trying to hide it, I’ve seen it already. Plus, Bella and Edward have been practicing with her shield. So he knows, which means I know, which means you can’t keep it from me.” She smiled brightly, like she had delivered an air-tight argument.

Renesmee pressed on. “I like Grandpa. But you like him in a different way, right?”

I hugged the little girl. “I probably do, honey.”

Alice waved my comment away. “Of course you do. Now, we have to go shopping! And after a makeover, you are going to tell Carlisle!”

“I will do neither of those things.” I shifted Renesmee to sit on the couch, then stood up and began making my way towards the front door.

Alice easily stayed in step with me. “Oh, come on! I just wanna make you feel pretty, give you some confidence before you tell him!”

I kept walking. “One, I don’t want to feel pretty. I don’t want to wear makeup. Two, I am most confident when I’m wearing this.” I gestured to my fitted t-shirt and skinny jeans. I had felt like feeling cute, foregoing my usual sweats.

Alice tilted her head in thought, then nodded. “Okay, then.” Before I knew it, I was in Carlisle’s office, the door locking behind me.

Carlisle looked up from his desk. When he saw me leaning against the door, eyes wide, he stood up. “Hello. Is something wrong? Not that I’m not glad to see you, but you seem upset.”

I grimaced, then turned around and started yelling through the door. “Alice! I know you can hear me! What the fuck!”

Carlisle’s voice came closer. “Alice? What did Alice do?”

A sing-song voice floated through the door. “I can out-wait you, little human. If you don’t tell him now, I’ll just make it happen later.”

I leaned my forehead against the door, groaning because I knew she was right.

“I assume, given that you seemed to have been locked in, that I am the ‘him’ Alice is referring to?”

I turned around to face him, smiling weakly. “Yeah. Sorry about this.”

“There’s no need to apologize. Would you like me to set you free?” He said with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood.

I chuckled. “No. If I don’t tell you now, it’ll just be putting off the inevitable, knowing Alice.” I slid down the door to sit on the floor, pulling up my knees and wrapping my arms around them. After a second, Carlisle sat down, too, though much more gracefully. He waited patiently for me to speak.

It was hard to find the right words. “So…the reason I’m here is because Bella found something out about me. Which means Edward knows, which means Alice knows.” Carlisle smiled in understanding, encouraging me silently to keep going. “I like you, Carlisle.”

This caused a new smile which made his eyes twinkle, the gold and his blonde hair making him look even more like the embodiment of the sun than he usually did. “I like you, too.”

I grimaced. “Thanks, but that’s not really what I mean.” I shifted nervously. “Unfortunately, I don’t really know what I mean, exactly.”

I took a deep breath to steady myself. “I like spending time with you, but I get flustered when you look at me. I love listening to you talk, but sometimes I realize that I was focusing on your voice and not your words. You’re so gentle, and kind, and wise, and intelligent…and beautiful, of course.” I blushed slightly. “But I don’t know what my feelings are for you; are they romantic? Platonic? Sexual? Something else? I just know that they’re there. And apparently, Alice decided that I must tell you. I’m sorry I can’t be more specific or definitive; I’ve always been kinda messed up when it comes to this kind of thing.”

I got up from the floor. “But, it doesn’t matter because things can’t be any different from what they are now. So, I’ll tell Alice that she can unlock the door.”

“Before you go, may I respond to what you have told me?” Reluctantly, I turned back to face Carlisle, who was on his feet as well. When I nodded, he continued. “Firstly, I’m sorry that you were forced into telling me this when you obviously would have preferred to keep it to yourself. You may be sure that I will talk to Alice about her actions. However, I cannot say honestly that I wish I did not know how you feel.”

I looked up briefly, but immediately averted my eyes when I caught the strength of his gaze.

“First, however, I’d like to know what you mean by ‘things can’t be any different from what they are now.”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “You’re married. More than that, you’re mated, to a wonderful woman that I care about deeply. I’m not going to get between you two. It’d be useless anyway; Bella’s told me about how loyal mates are to each other, what lengths they’re willing to go to. That’s one of the reasons I wasn’t planning to tell you how I feel: nothing can come of it.”

A cool hand rested on my shoulder, prompting me to meet Carlisle’s eyes. He still held a gentle smile. “While it’s true that Esme and I are committed to each other, if you’re interested, we are willing to discuss opening our current relationship. Neither of us has ever sought company elsewhere, but we agreed early on that strict monogamy seemed… an unreasonable assumption for eternity.”

I gaped at him. He laughed. “Are you so surprised that beings as old as we are could be so progressive?”

I swallowed. “Could I…have some time to think about this?”

Carlisle squeezed my shoulder before dropping his hand. “Of course. And I will tell Esme that you might be interested, if you’re okay with that.”

I nodded. “Yes, of course.”

Before I could even turn around, the door opened behind me. “It’s exhausting being the one who does all the work around here. What do you do with your free time?” Alice was gone before I could reply.

Carlisle shook his head fondly. “While I’m glad with the results of her meddling, you can rest assured I will still be talking to her about her…tactics.”

I thought about telling him there was no need to do so on my account. But then I remembered I was still annoyed and embarrassed, so I thanked him and left the house as fast as humanly possible. I had a lot to think (and freak out) about.

Chapter Text

“Whoa, there! Where’s the fire, huh?” Jacob held his hands up to stop me from brushing past him (or through him).

“Oh, hey, Jacob. I just have a lot on my mind right now.”

He smirked knowingly. “Does this have anything to do with your hots for Papa Cullen?”

For some reason, my blood turned to ice. “What?”

He nudged me playfully. “Don’t go coy on me. Nothing gets past Nessie, you know. She’s definitely happy you’re close to being a real part of the family.”

I looked back at the house I had left mere seconds ago, wondering how he could know already. “I only left Nessie just now…she’s still inside…”

Jacob waved me off. “Please; with how slowly you operate, she had plenty of time to tell me. So, everything set up between you and Dr. Blondie?”

I shifted, uncomfortable. “Not that it’s really your business, but no. We still have to talk to Esme—"

“Oh, right, the wifey. Gotta say I forgot about her. Thought you did too, honestly.”

I stiffened, looking him in the eye finally. “I would never—"

“Yeah, yeah, you’re the paragon of virtue and chivalry. Listen, I gotta get inside, but I’m glad everything worked out for you.” He grinned, patting me on the back before walking past me.

I turned to face him. “What do you mean, exactly?”

He looked over his shoulder, shrugging. “You know: just a few months ago, you were certain you’d be forever alone, throwing all these words around to justify why you didn’t wanna date anyone. Now you’ve found them! It is a bit unusual to date a couple, I guess, but it’s not like I have any room to judge. I’m glad you could get everything sorted out.” He grinned again, waving, then vanished inside.

The whole way home, the scene from months ago played in my head. I don’t remember the drive, just heading up the stairs to Bella’s room, laying down on my side. Staring without seeing…
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“I’m just saying, you’re pretty lucky to not have to deal with all the sex and romance crap!”

“And I’m just saying that you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Jacob.” I had no idea how Jacob and I got onto this topic while watching Renesmee playing outside the Cullen house, but I knew I wanted to move on as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, Jacob didn’t seem to feel the same way. “C’mon, you gotta admit that it’s a bit of an advantage you hold over the rest of us. I mean, take me for example: in love with one girl for years, had to watch her choose some other guy, marry him, have his kid, not to mention literally agreeing to spend eternity with him. Then, in a twist of fate no one saw coming, I fall in love (futuristically speaking) with her daughter because of some weird werewolf juju. I’m not saying that I want my life to be different or that I regret meeting Bella or Nessie; but high school would have definitely been easier and simpler for me if I were like you. I was dealing with being a werewolf while you were just cruising, I bet! You didn’t have the distractions any of the normal kids did.”

Even though I knew he probably meant ‘not supernatural’, the use of the word ‘normal’ when describing people who weren’t me hit too close to home for comfort. I tried again to reason with him. “Dude, I’m warning you not to push this, okay? Just take my word for it that your life would not be easier if you were aroace like I am.”

“Why are you being so twitchy about this? I’m simply arguing that—”

“Well, you’re wrong.” I had reached my limit. Jacob’s words were too similar to the thoughts I had late at night, alone.

Jacob crossed his arms. Oh, boy. “If I’m wrong, then you have to explain why. No more of this ‘leave it alone’ crap.”

I finally turned to face him head-on. “Okay. You want an argument? I’ll give you an argument. Firstly, you are so out of line for speaking over me about something I experience and you do not. I am the one who is aroace here, as you have kindly pointed out, so I know what it’s like to be aroace better than someone who isn’t. Namely, you.”

Jacob held up his hands in a peacekeeping gesture. “Hey, I’m just pointing out that you don’t know what it’s like to fall in love or be attracted to someone. So, maybe you have it easier and you just don’t know it.”

My chest tightened at the reminder of what I’d never feel, the same things everyone else seemed to think made life worth living. I pressed on. “By that logic, you could have it easier without knowing it, because you’ve never been anything other than straight. However, you’re right: I don’t know what that’s like. So I’ll talk about what I do know.

“We live in a small town, Jacob. I didn’t even know there were possibilities besides being gay or straight. Do you know when I discovered asexuality? Senior year of high school. Do you know when I discovered aromanticism? Freshman year of college. Up until that point, I thought I was the only person in the world to feel no sexual or romantic feelings whatsoever. You think that made high school easier? That I had more time for other things?

“I spent my time trying to make myself crush on someone. Preferably a boy, but even being gay would be better than being nothing. And yeah, you’ve had it rougher than most people in the romance department. But at least you knew what you felt. Every time I finally convinced myself I liked someone the way I was supposed to, I found out they were already dating someone else and I had to start over. I never felt the kind of disappointment that comes from unrequited love, or so I’m led to believe. I was only frustrated by my wasted effort.”

“Oh, come on. You’re what, twenty years old? You’ll find someone, there’s plenty of time for it! The right person for you is out there, somewhere. You just haven’t met yet.”

I bared my teeth in a smile. “I know you’re trying to comfort me, Jacob, but that’s not what I’m looking to hear. I’m not waiting for someone to fix me.”

“Hey, I didn’t say that, you did—“

“You’re right, you just reassured me that what I’m going through is temporary. Neither of us have the power to know that, Jacob! It could just as easily be permanent.”

“I’m just trying to look on the bright side.”

“Don’t you get it, Jacob? I don’t want this to be just a phase or some shit! After years of fear and self-doubt, I’ve found words for what I am and other people like me online. I don’t need to magically become straight years from now because in the present I am asexual and aromantic.”

“I thought wanting had nothing to do with what you are. I thought you are you, regardless of what you want.”

“I’m done explaining myself to you. I’m done proving my identity and arguing that I exist as I say I do. You can either believe me or stay away. I don’t need this in my life.”
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Was Jacob right? Had I just been wrong, or lying, or pretending this whole time? Was Carlisle proof that I was just another straight person who wanted to be a special snowflake? Had I made myself miserable for years, thinking I was broken, only for me to be…normal all along?
Did I even deserve Carlisle or Esme after parading around calling myself aroace like some queer Messiah with all the answers? Had I ignored the obvious because I had wanted to be different, special?