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A while ago, Connor had thought that emotions were something abstract, mysterious and alien to his code. He did not have the variables to create emotions within; only databases of standard ones to help him navigate and understand humans better. While he was made to be a compatible companion in terms of his looks and behaviour, everything was only pre-made in thousands of variations. He only had to power that quantum computer based brain of his to pick the right choice. And he was fine with it, for androids do not have the privileges to express what they want. However, after the android revolution, things have changed. Connor had changed drastically as well and he could only blame one person for the anomalies in his code. New variables and constants made themselves as the neural network grew.
“Humans are really something.” Connor thought to himself as he watched the dark road ahead oh him. He was heading towards Hank’s house. It wasn’t for anything in particular. Perhaps he just wanted company but even he himself found it weird.
His led seemingly shifted to colour yellow; his mind was processing heavy things.
Connor dived into his database on human behaviour and found the definition for ‘emotion’.
Emotion is any conscious experience characterized by intense mental activity and a certain degree of pleasure or displeasure.
Even if he accepted the fact that he wasn’t just a machine, such thoughts were bizarre. Perhaps one day Hank could teach him of what being human is. But then, would ‘t that be weird?
Connor shoved those thoughts aside leaving his mind palace and snapped back into the reality where he could already see his destination on the right side of the road. The house didn’t differ too much from the other ones in the street, save for the fact that it seemed empty, with only one room having the lights on. Connor had a bad feeling because people tend to have a well-lit house unless something is happening. Or so was the assumption. And knowing Hank and his life – the android was correct.
As soon as the taxi stopped, Connor made his way towards the door. His steps were precise, as if he knew the right amount of steps needed to be taken from the car to the door. As he walked, he tried to listen into his surroundings; everything was too quiet. The night was still young but things just were too still for the android’s liking.
Connor rose his hand up, preparing to press the door bell but before so he took one last peek through the window, or rather the gap that was left due to the closed curtains. Nothing.
Ring number one. Silence. Then another, and another... No human response. His ears caught a noise. A dog barking?
“Sumo?” the android guessed aloud.
He tried opening the front door once but to no avail. Making a worried expression, Connor rushed to the other exit. He wasn’t going to break glass again. At least if he can make his way inside some other way.
The android made quick pace around the house, giving peeks through the windows and trying to find the Lieutenant. The kitchen had lights on and in the small space, behind the table there was Hank. Sumo seemed to catch on whatever Connor was doing and was already back in the kitchen. The dog ran straight to the exit door and tried opening the door with his huge paws. It couldn’t completely open the door but the door knob turning was enough of a sign for Connor to enter.
“Sumo! Sit down!” Hank commanded his pet and it backed off the door, his tail between his legs.
The dog came to his master and sat down next to him on the floor.
“Good boy...” This time Hank wasn’t so commanding, he was rather sorry for yelling at his best friend and tried giving it some head pats and ear scratches. Sumo slowly wagged its tail in response.
At that time, Connor knocked on the door and without much waiting turned the door knob.
Hank quickly turned his head to check who it was but he let only a sigh upon seeing his partner.
“Oh, Jesus, Connor, what are you doing here?” The old man asked. His voice wasn’t as stable as always indicating some levels of toxicity.
Connor allowed himself in and before saying anything he checked the room. The table had some left over food and a few bottled of what seemed to be of alcohol. One of the bottles was half empty already.
“I just thought I should stop by your place even if it is our day off work.” Connor’s speech was as clear as always, in some cases it was too dense even. “Do you mind?”
The android waited for the other one’s response before engaging in any other action.
Hank, in his current state, was a bit worries but more confused. Even if he knew of androids evolving, they were just machines in the end. He buried his face in his hands and exhaled heavily.
“Can’t an old man get drunk and think about his shitty life in peace?” the detective turned at the other one, his face full of sadness. Since we wasn’t occupied, his mind was filled with memories of his son and loneliness.
“No.” Connor spoke. “I mustn’t leave you alone like this.” He made his way towards the table and pulled a free chair. “I am worried.”
Connor removed his jacket and hung it on the chair before sitting down. Sumo quickly sneaked to him from below the table, waiting for pets, which were definitely provided.
“You? Worried?” The old man chuckled. “And what did I do to deserve your attention? Wouldn’t you want to do something productive instead of babysitting me?”
Connor wasn’t sure what it was but by definition he could classify the emotion within as anger.
“Humans tend to be worried about people whom the care about. I do not believe that my worry is any different.” He placed his arms on the table, pushing away the empty bottles to make some space. His eyes glanced at the dark glass bottles with disdain.
Hank grew quiet for a while. His lips pursed together as he looked down at his tired hands. Isn’t this what he wanted? To be cared about? To be appreciated? But Connor was an android and deep in his mind something was telling him that it wasn’t a genuine feeling and just a mimic of something Connor had witnessed.
Yet, he smiled to himself at the thought of Connor being with him now and he wasn’t completely sure why.
“Fine. Do whatever. Just don’t annoy me, okay?” Hank pointed at Connor with his index finger to seem more commanding but in reality he was just a tired old man in common everyday clothes.
“Understood, Lieutenant.”
“Do not call me that when we’re off-duty. It’s weird.”
“How should I call you then?” it was a sincere question, because he wasn’t used to call his superiors by their names. Save for Amanda.
“I have a name, you know. It’s Hank, in case you’ve forgotten.”
Hank grabbed the half-empty beer bottle and finished it off in one go. Connor was quick to analyse not only the substance but also how intoxicated the other one was which didn’t make him relieved at all. The bottles on the table weren’t the only ones that were emptied that night.
Connor’s hands clenched as if he was restraining himself. But he was told to leave Hank alone and he didn’t wish to upset him anymore as his mental state was already unstable.
They sat in silence for a while. Connor was attentively watching Hank sway in his chair and mutter something under his breath.
“Are you alright?” The android inquired leaning forward.
“Do I look like I am okay?” Hank rose his voice but then shifted his gaze away from the other man apologetically. “Okay, I’m sorry. I just... I miss him. I miss my son.”
The old man looked absolutely defeated as he set his head down on the table. Even if he wished to cry he couldn’t and his chest felt so heavy. Connor did not get upset at Hank being angry at him because he didn’t really know why he should be upset even if previous encounters with humans show otherwise. But what he could use from his past experience is how to soothe someone, or at least try to.
The android hesitantly reached out his hand and placed it atop Hank’s head. The lieutenant shifted his position slightly but he did not protest against that action. For once in many years he wanted to feel weak as well because keeping up a façade was tough. Connor gently ruffled that messy gray hair of his; it was surprisingly soft and nice to touch. Suddenly, Connor’s biocomponents showed signs of malfunction without a specified cause and he retracted his hand and sat down properly. His led turned yellow and did not fade away immediately.
“You know...” Hank’s rough voice spoke, “Thanks for coming tonight. I still have no idea why you hauled your ass here but I appreciate it.” He sat up looking at Connor with a faint smile on his face while he was holding his tears back. “I hope I don’t seem like a sore loser to you now.”
Connor’s self-diagnostics indicated an elevated heartbeat and that was concerning. As a result his train of thought wasn’t as clear as it should be.
“I would never think bad of you. As I’ve said – I do care about you and you are important to me.” He was sure he would have regrets of these words as soon as his signals return to normal.
Hank was too drunk to look deeper into those words and just gave a slow nod. “Heh, thanks.” He muttered out.
Connor read Hank’s status again and they were no good at all. His eyebrow’s furrowed and lips curved sadly as he sighed.
“If you have calmed down, I’d like for you to rest.” Only after his words Connor understood that it was a personal request and wished to take those words back because he clearly couldn’t talk to his superior like that. However, he was just overthinking.
“For once, you give some solid ideas. Alright, let’s do that.” Hank stood up from his chair, or at least tried to.
“Let me help.” Connor insisted and moved to Hank’s side. This kind of felt like a dejá vu, except this time Hank was calmer.
The android moved to the lieutenant’s side and helped him to stand up. Hank was definitely was not pleased by this because he was nearly nowhere incapable of taking care of himself, after all, it wasn’t the first time this happened. He didn’t look Connor in the eye because he already was feeling miserable enough and instead his eyes darted towards his dog who was just on the other side, walking slowly besides. The three of them moved to the living room in unison.
Within the dark room Connor found, or rather remembered, the couch and helped the old man to lay down on it. Sumo kept its distance and flopped down on the floor, sadly eyeing his master in distress. It let out a silent whimper. The android let go of the other and allowed him to position himself well on the couch. Hank was sluggishly trying to find a good position to rest in; there were neither any pillows nor blankets around. Well, that night, his trustworthy pillow was his arm beneath his head.
“Is there anything else I could do for you?” Connor crouched down, perhaps a bit too close to the other one, staring at his face.
Hank’s eyes squinted in the dark, he could barely see anything because the light coming from the kitchen was nearly enough for his old tired eyes. But he didn’t put in too much effort into trying anyway. He just wanted to sleep, and perhaps secretly hoped to never wake up again.
“Nah. You did enough. Now go home… Or wherever you live, the hell if I know.” He buried his face into his arm avoiding any contact.
Connor looked away from Hank for a mere moment, his eyes showing signs of sadness because he felt uneasy leaving the other one alone. Even so, there was nothing else for him to do here. Connor stood up and went towards the kitchen to leave from where he came from. He glanced down at his jacket neatly hung on the back of the chair he used, then back at resting Hank. Perhaps that could substitute for a blanket. He returned to the dark room, making steps as quiet as possible. Sumo rose its head at the noises made but Connor just whispered asking for it to be quiet and placed his index finger as his lips. It was fortunate that those two got along and the dog just went back to slumber. After dealing with that, the android returned to the old man. He seemed to be almost asleep. Connor covered Hank with his jacket so the other one wouldn’t get cold. Hank barely opened his eyes as he felt something atop him but he was still asleep. The android was about to turn around on his heel but his hand was grabbed.
Software instability :: #7511 malfunctioning
Connor’s lips parted as if he wished to say something but he wasn’t sure what. He looked down at the hand. It felt warm and he didn’t want to part. He stood there in silence for a while before Hank himself let go of it in his sleep and snuggled into the jacket.
“Rest well.” Connor said the last goodnight and left.
The following day was hell. Hank’s head was absolutely killing him but Sumo was already making effort to wake him up.
“Fine, fine… I’m getting up.” The old man groaned as his pet was pestering him.
The dog dragged off Connor’s jacket off Hank and sat down in front of the sofa.
“Hey, where did you get that?” Hank didn’t remember much from last night but that was definitely something he had to talk out. “You know what, just put it down. I’ll take it back.”
It was a well known fact that Hank tends to come to work rather late but it has never posed a problem. His co-workers were already at their desks and Connor was there as well. The lieutenant was carrying a bag with the jacket, but it seemed unnecessary as the android was looking the same as usual.
“Good morning, lieutenant.” Connor greeted Hank as he peeked through the terminal.
Hank threw the bag underneath his desk and flopped down in his chair.
“Morning—” he clearly wasn’t in the mood.
Connor waited a bit, perhaps hoping for the other one to say something but nothing happened. The lieutenant was already shuffling through the papers set on his desk before his arrival without much amusement. The times where they had to investigate deviants were much more exciting for him. And now they are back to small claims and whatnot with occasionally providing input for other detectives. But work was work, and he was focusing on it. Occasionally, he scribbled down some notes to pass down to others.
“Should I make you some coffee?” Connor broke the silence, his eyes straying away from the terminal.
“Huh? Yea, sure. Thanks.” Hank responded, rather indifferently but as soon as Connor stood up he peeked through the papers.
This is awkward.
After a short while, Connor returned and set the cup of coffee next to an empty one that was left there from the other day.
“Have you read through the files already, lieutenant?” the android inquired as he returned to his spot.
“Skimmed through only and I can’t understand why we gotta take these up!”
“If departments are short on manpower, some cases are redirected. It’s only natural.”
“But there are other people for that and I got other things on my mind!” Hank slapped down the case files on his desk and picked up the warm cup of coffee. It was good and it made him less bitter.
Connor didn’t indulge in the conversation any longer for it deemed to be unproductive. Since he had looked through the paperwork before Hank came, Connor’s mind was filled with other things. He tried to process last night’s events. First, he was looking back at his own actions, which he tried to justify but in the end no logical conclusion was reached. But what worried him the most was the second thing – the way he was thrown off by that sudden hand grab. It’s not like he hadn’t done that before, but it was different. The led on his forehead once again blinked in yellow and his hands were restless tapping against the table top quietly. That being some unusual behaviour for Connor, Hank inquired if he was okay. The android replied that he was fine and there was no cause for concern.
“You sure you’re good?” Hank asked again, this time leaning in to focus his attention on the other one.
“Yes. Do not worry about me.”
“Listen…” Hank lowered his voice. “I remember you coming to my place last night to check on me. Let me care for you too.”
Connor blinked at Hank in confusion. He was really feeling alright save for a few question left unanswered, yet Hank was insisting. Perhaps it was the time to ask those questions aloud.
“Well…” Connor wasn’t sure how to phrase it correctly because this wasn’t an interrogation – this involved actual emotions and he still didn’t have a full grasp of them even if his mind is unhinged. “Some things from last night made me feel… uneasy? I do not understand it myself. And don’t get me wrong, you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s just—”
“You know what, let’s talk about this at my place after all of this messy work. I’m pretty sure there are too many ears in this place.”
“Alright.”
The two of them returned to Hank’s place together as discussed. Throughout the drive neither of them really spoke a word and Connor used that chance to rest and conserve energy in stand-by mode. When he recognized the neighbourhood, Connor reverted back and ran one last diagnostics on self to check if everything was fine.
Hank stopped the car and picked up his home keys and grabbed the bag from the back seat before exiting the car. Without much communicating he headed for the entrance door but Connor stayed behind.
“Are you coming or what?” Hank turned around and encouraged Connor to join him.
Connor looked at Hank with a blank stare and left the car, following him a few steps behind. Hank noticed the distance and clicked his tongue with annoyance before unlocking the door.
“Come in, make yourself at home.” He left the front door open for the other one to enter as he turned on the lights.
Hank removed his shoes and his jacket before he went to slump down on the couch in the living room. He let out a deep sigh as he relaxed; he waited for Connor to join him. The android watched Hank roam around perhaps a bit too attentively compared to how mostly indifferent he was to everything. He was fixated on that man too much. With the corner of his eye he noticed the contents of the bag left in the hallway. Connor smirked to himself before moving to the living room.
“Want some coffee? Maybe a beer?” With each day Hank saw Connor more and more human due to the android showing more of his free will.
“But I do not—” Connor was about to provide his usual explanation of not needing any sustenance of sort.
“Oh, right. Well, maybe one day, just pretend to be my drinking buddy? It gets lonely sometimes.” The old man was being honest now that they’re in comfortable place to talk their hearts out.
“Next time we go to the bar, I will.” Connor answered with slightly uplifted voice.
Hank let the silence in the room set in as he tried to think of a way on how to probe the android about his problems. He suspected that it worked the same as for humans – pent-up problems caused a lot of psychological harm, but in the other one’s case – system instability. The lieutenant leaned forward and looked at Connor with curious eyes.
“Well, speak up. You said you had something that made you feel uneasy. Spill it out, I won’t judge. We’re friends here, right?”
Connor felt his heartbeat quicken as if he was stressed but none of this was supposed to cause any problems. While usually he used the coin to calibrate his reflexes and sensations, this time he took it out to fiddle, so he could calm down.
“Last night when I found you, you were intoxicated. How much do you remember?” Connor didn’t make eye contact with Hank and focused on the coin.
“Ugh… I don’t remember all of your visit, that’s for sure. I do remember kinda yelling at you and after that I ain’t sure if I really said those things or my mind is just playing tricks on me. Did I do something to you?”
“No, nothing that harmed me, don’t worry.” A pause. “If you wish to know what happened – shortly after that you seemed to calm down and I helped you to get to the couch so you’d get some rest.”
“Now that you mention it, yea, I woke up here. Thanks for that.”
“…and before I left you grabbed my hand in your sleep as if you did not want me to leave even if you said that it was alright.” Connor looked up right into Hank’s eyes, seeking an answer. “How should I understand that action of yours?”
Hank slowly begin to remember that night and what he said and so much of what he almost had said. His lips thinned into a line as he leaned against the back of the couch and averted his gaze away from Connor as if he didn’t want to be read like an open book. He’s a lonely old man who seeks love and affection because there isn’t anyone else in the world to provide those to him anymore. Or is there..?
The lieutenant thought of the possibility of Connor being something more than a friend to him and just wanted to leave. But he’s an adult and he will deal with those emotions, he only needs to be rational.
“Sometimes humans conflict themselves; what they say doesn’t necessarily reflect what they actually want.” Hank wasn’t the one to be blunt in such situations and instead hid behind many layers so he wouldn’t get hurt and just break down.
“In that case, should I have stayed with you? I’m sorry for my mistake, next time—”
“Don’t. You don’t know how emotions work that well yet, do you?” Hank crossed his arms on his chest. “I mean, you’re reacting weirdly now and you do not know how to deal with it.”
“Yes…”Connor sounded rather defeated. He was all about rational decisions but this was just making his neural network twist itself. “The way I see it, I have developed some sort of a deeper attachment to you and it’s not the same as one with friends.”
The android clenched the coin in his palm, fearing the consequences of the words spoken.
“Hold on, are you saying…” Hank couldn’t believe it and shook his head. “I don’t want to jump to assumptions but did you fall in love?”
Connor’s eyes widened when Hank named the condition he was having. His lips parted then closed again. Love was too complex to process and understand but humans knew better and he decided to trust the judgement provided.
“That night I truly did not want to leave you alone. I was worried and I didn’t want anything bad happen to you. And when you took my hand and stopped me in tracks I felt happy.” He spoke with uncertainty. “Perhaps I did fall in love, as you’ve named it.”
“You do realize the situation, right? I’m an old alcoholic man and you are an immortal being. And for fuck sake’s we’re both men, how does that work out?” Hank gestured emotionally in the air, his face showing confusion.
“As an android, I do not really care about male and female differences.”
“Thanks not the point, Connor. Oh my god.” Hank ran his hands through his face. “I mean, if we’re running an anonymous confession circle here then I’ll admit that I feel the same towards you, or so I think. I don’t know, I’m too old for this… ”
Connor stopped in his tracks to review what he heard. Could it really be registered as a mutual feeling? He still wasn’t sure if the feeling he felt towards Hank could be registered as love but as long as he found some closure he would feel better.
The android got up from his couch and went to sit down next to Hank. He shoved the coin into his pocket and got closer to the older man.
“Connor, what are you doing?”
“I’m—I do not know, I just felt the urge to get closer to you.” His face pleaded innocence.
“You look like a child in headlights of love.” Hank jested towards the other.
“I’ve never been in love before. I never knew it would feel so nice.” Connor smiled softly.
Upon those words, Hank turned his red face away but Connor wasn’t having it. He wanted to see his lover for as long as he could. The android’s hand reached for the scruffy face of the other’s and gently turned it towards himself.
“Please bear with me. I do not have any data on this.”
“You really got to work on your sweet talking first, Connor.”
“I was hoping you could teach me a thing or two.”
Hank chuckled at the ridiculousness and lightheartedness of the situation. It was so surreal that next to him there was a male android who actually loved him. For a moment he wondered what his son would have thought of this but then he had no time to dwell on the past. What he can do is live on for his son’s sake and have the best life he can. And currently, the best life he can imagine is with Connor; even his drunk self trusted him.
“You can only learn by practicing.” A hinting smirk flashed across Hank’s face.
Connor’s eyes dropped down to Hank’s lips as he brushed his thumb against them. His system showed the same errors in his biocomponents as last time but now he wasn’t afraid because he very cause was in front of him and he only wanted to indulge in those stimulations. The firewalls preventing from certain inputs and outputs being activated and allowing him to have a total control of the sensors in his body.
Hank rose his eyebrows in anticipation of what were happen next. It was quite interesting to see a person like Connor – without any experience or sense of how love works. He was absolutely ready to never forget any of these little things. He felt so alive.
“If I may—” Connor whispered as he leaned closer to his lover for a kiss.
Connor’s hand slowly slid down from Hank’s face to his chest, feeling the other ones increased heartbeat which made him excited as well. His robotic skin was more sensitive than before, remembering the sensation of Hank’s lips. He wasn’t too invasive with the kiss as he wasn’t sure of how far he could do and if he was doing the right thing. The actions he performed were all mimics from the outsourced data he had. Even so, he couldn’t drop his usual habits and had his analyse program running. He could detect traces of coffee from earlier which made the kiss pleasantly bitter to Connor.
The kiss didn’t last for long. He wanted to keep is short and bitterlysweet as it was their first one. Connor backed off a bit so he could see Hank’s flustered face. There was a certain charm in this bashful old man and he couldn’t explain it.
“Connor, that… I’m in awe. Where did you learn that?” Hank was catching his breaths. Age did a thing to his stamina, that was evident.
“I have thousands of terabytes of romance movies stored in my—”
“Actually, don’t answer that. It kills the mood.”
The android sheepishly smiled at the other one. The answer he wished to provide was reasonable in his mind but clearly, he needs to learn how to read the mood.
“Oh, by the way… That bag you carried to work and back.”
“You saw it? I thought I sneaked it past you.”
“You shouldn’t underestimate me, Hank. I also know what’s in it.”
“I wanted to return it to you.” The old man shrugged.
“I sincerely thought you would keep it because you seemed to have comfortable snuggled into it last night.”
Hank pouted at that remark. He was just tired and he loves snuggling into his covers, and that’s what he had at that moment.
“It was a coincidence and not because it was your jacket.”
“Are you absolutely sure?” Connor was clearly teasing Hank there.
“…Maybe.”
Connor reached his hand out to give Hank a few pats. That was definitely a child-like demeanour but he found it calming and cute.
“It’s alright. You can keep it. I can always get a new one as you can see.”
Hank motioned Connor to move closer to him and as soon as the android did, the older man rested his head on the other one’s shoulder. He had longed for this feeling of peace and quiet.
“Can you stay here tonight? I’m sure it’s no fun going back there.” Hank was muttering words out but clearly enough to be understood.
“I don’t mind going back there. I don’t really need much to begin with—”
“Connor.” Hank just said his lover’s name as a hint to read the situation differently.
“Ah… Well… If you do not mind me, I’ll gladly stay.”
Hank snuggled himself to Connor and closed his eyes. Connor looked down at the old man in confusion at first, because he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be doing in this situation, but he did not mind it one bit. Seeing Hank in peace was his wish.
“Let me be like this for a while.”
“Of course.”