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Joy, anger, sadness, fear, love.
Those were a few examples of emotions.It doesn't matter if I didn't cover all of them.
Since I couldn't feel any of them.
My name is Seo Changbin, or as some say, Soulless Changbin, since I’m literally emotionless. I'm just... bland.
The moment my parents realized something was wrong with me was when the doctors pulled me as a newborn out of my mom's arms. When most children would start bawling their eyes out, I was silent. My face never twisted in fear of the cold; mine were blank. A white sheet of paper.
At first, they just thought I might just be a bit different, since there were cases where an infant doesn't cry. But it became a frequent thing. While playing peek-a-boo, when I hit my head, and when my dad knocked down the blocks I was playing with. I never giggled, wept or shouted in frustration.
I remained blank.
In a world where people can even extract their emotions, I didn't even have any.
For as long as I remembered, I was always asking my parents why. Why don't I laugh or cry or scream like the other children? Everytime my mom would change the topic to something happier, not that I could tell. My dad would only chuckle bitterly.
The doctors never gave us an answer, they were just excited with the hope to name this disorder I got, since they've always prayed for their own breakthrough in the medical sciences. They took 14 years to narrow it down to two options; is that supposed to be funny? Everyone in the room while they announced that were laughing, so I guess so.
At school, people picked on me for being so. I couldn't sit with the other kids; I felt isolated even when I’m surrounded by people. Whenever the class bursts out in laughter, I could only sit back and watch in my own silence. It's not like it's uncomfortable. I don't feel what they call jealousy, since I couldn’t feel at all.
"You freak," Park Jinyoung, an upperclassman spat, "I bet you that you are not even upset at that." He's right, I'm not -I didn't know what sadness is.
Jinyoung spread out his palm at this, and a shimmery yellow energy spills out into an orb. Even from where I'm cornered, I could feel its warm aura.
"This," Jinyoung continued, "is called joy, freak. You sure look like you want a taste of it." Unconsciously, I nodded. With a smug face, Jinyoung looked into my eye as he balled up his fist, crushing that little orb of emotion that I yearned for. "Too bad for you, you will never get to, you will always be a monster Changbin." Then he took a swing for my left eye, and left me seeing stars.
I didn't tear up like those cheesy drama, only pain but no tears. I would’ve really appreciated it if a heroic male lead came in to swoop me off my feet though.
It's no lie that I want to have feelings. Not just joy, but anything will be good enough. There's one guy I noticed in class, I just couldn't take my eyes off him. His name is Lee Felix. He was always smiling the brightest, whether if he was running late with his tousled blond hair, or if he scored well on a test; he was always outshining the sun. He also cried the loudest (the one time my class went to the theatre we watched the Notebook) and screamed the loudest (the senior prank scared him more than the staff). If I felt emotions, they would say I'm in love, but I didn't have them so can't say that.
Felix and I were as different as the day and light. One would always dazzle everyone around him while the other could only sit in the endless darkness.
One day, as I walked home with my head down, I spotted something. An energy orb that was in many ways just like one Jinyoung had. But in this one was blue, a blue that seemed to push others away from it. One that you can seem to quite touch. As I reached out for it, I almost jolted back from the surprising cold.
Almost.
I picked it up and placed it inside my pocket. Like rolling a snowball without your gloves, the contact sent a chill up my spine. From there I raced home with a piece of ice pressed against my skin.
After sprawling onto my bed, I reached to take it out. For a while, I just basked in its presence, taking in the fact that I was holding an actual emotion. One of someone that can grin or recoil out of their own feelings.
In that time, I noticed the energy starting to melt and seeping into my skin. Something trickled down my face. I reached up to wipe it, only to trace it up to my eyes. These are tears, there are tears running down my face. I'm crying.
Later, my parents both raced into my room telling me to turn whatever drama I'm watching down. They found me curled up in a ball, crying like how I should've a whole 16 years ago. Needless to say, they also cried.
But, the emotions of others wore off fast. I felt nothing again.
The next day, I brought a cardboard box with me on the way to school. I placed it in the alley between the local convenience store and the CD store. I took a thick black marker and scrawled "Will Take Unwanted Emotions".
By the end of the day, I returned to three scattered orbs. Blue, green and purple. Sadness, envy and fear. Equally as ugly, but I took what I could get.
Soon, a life I had always found bland started taking on a bad light. Each day started to fill with pain and annoyance, since none of those emotions I got were ever good.
Pretty soon, someone saw me taking my box. The day after, the news spread like a wildfire. People started taunting me with their emotions. Anger and disgust were constantly being dangled in my face from class to class. "Take my trash, you monster." "Are you that desperate, freak?" It hurts to say the least. Whether I had emotions or not, I will never be accepted.
Everyday as it happens, I noticed Felix and his friends looking at me in pity. Even though they were a good distance up the social ladder, they never tried to stop them. I never expected them to, either.
Itwas another day as I went to pick my box. After being found, my box was covered in crude graffiti; I never bothered replacing it. It was gonna be vandalised again, so why bother?
I took it home with me and started to dig through the discarded emotions in the dining room. "Red, green, orange," I mumbled to myself, "Grey? Oh, that's nasty." The energy started bleeding into my hands and I let it.
Then I found a colour I never saw before. One I never got in my box, one I only ever saw in the hands of someone else.
It was a brilliant yellow, one as bright as a certain someone's smile. At that moment, my mom walked in. She was evidently curious about my lack of movement, but understanding bloomed on her face when she saw what I had in my hands.
My eyes continued widening as the colour started bleeding into my skin. When the orb completely dissolved, the world felt brighter. Everything became filled with colour. As I took a step towards my mom, my steps felt lighter, like a bird. Raising my eyes, I met my mom's. Her eyes were watering as she raised a hand to her mouth.
“Binnie,” she choked out, hands shaking as she reached for mine, lacing our fingers together, “You're smiling.”
I turned towards the reflective glass on the wine cabinet. I really was. The corners of my mouth were turned upwards, something that I've only seen on others faces, never mine. My eyes twinkled in a way that spells out joy and life. The warmth spread throughout me, it's amazing.
My family had a small celebratory dinner that night. For the first time, our dinner was filled with joyous laughter, I joined in with my own. In 16 years, this was the only time I've heard my own laugh as all the jokes just clicked in my mind.
The joy lasted into the next school day after I placed my box in its usual spot. I walked in feeling everyone's eyes gathering on me. The whispers reached my ears; “Is Soulless Changbin smiling?” “What got into him?” Let them laugh, at least I was happy, for once.
While glancing around the crowd, I caught Felix staring at me. When he realized that he was caught, the blond flashed his multi-watt smile at me, for the first time, I smiled back. Which made Felix smile even brighter, if that was even possible.
With my joy, the day felt a lot less grueling. But all good things had come to an end. As the emotion that will never be mine faded, I returned to the same blankness I was always stuck in. All the lights and colours were sucked out of my world again.
I made my usual walk back home, picking up my box. After some serious digging, I found another orb, one with the same familiar warmth. When I pushed all the other emotions aside, emotions I didn't need since I had what I always wanted, I found a note.
Your smile is cute, please smile more.
It was a plain notepad paper with neon yellow ink, very close to the energy that is in my box. No signature or anything. Yet it could only have been for me, mostly because it was very much my box. I fought my urge to smile, since the warmth had reached my core, enveloping it in with a tingly lightness.
That night I slept with the memory of the note imprinted into my mind.
I had a pleasant dream, one where I got to feel all these emotions that I received as my own. Emotions that I myself triggered, rather than feeling others made for themselves leading me to having no idea how it came to be.
Everyday onwards, I kept finding these notes in my tattered box along with one shiny orb of pure joy. They were usually very encouraging notes: “Your laughter are like bells, so beautiful. Just like you.” “Chin up, people gotta see your smile.” At some point, they branched into cheesy jokes that just didn’t make any sense, but I appreciated their effort: “Why did the Roman chicken cross the road? She was afraid someone would Caesar!” I saved that as potential blackmail.
As the little messages kept coming in, I got curious. After endless nights spent in the library researching people’s control over emotions, the curiosity piled up. Most people’s worries would thicken, but remember me? The feelings have to be immense to be safe for conjuring. Otherwise, people will become drained of that emotion, forever. By the regularity of the energy I get from the mysterious person, they must’ve been pretty damn happy every single day if they were always left with extras.
So I tried something. I wrote a note to them.
To the Random Kind Stranger who Makes My Day By Giving me Joy I know that’s a long name, but bear with me since it’s better than having no name. Get right to business, why do you keep giving them to me? I’m thankful since it’s appreciated instead of all these negativity I usually get but how do you do this? How do you find enough happiness to give someone you never met a piece of it every single day? Can you tell me? Please and thank you.
I left it unsigned, since if they could remain anonymous, so can I.
The same day, I found a response. Short, to-the-point, and it made me feel nothing since I didn’t have emotions. But as I’ve seen in those cheesy dramas(no I did not binge watch them with three boxes of tissues and my supply of sadness), the female lead would usually be a blushing mess as they clutch a beautifully decorated note to their chest. I, at least the last time I checked, wasn’t an unpopular schoolgirl who swoons over the sport captain thinking they didn’t have a chance. Well, part of it wasn’t true, a few can be tweaked, but still, I thought as I made sure my hair didn’t grow overnight. Also I can't blush.
The note wasn’t even that pleasant to the eye, hastily drawn on a torn piece of... a biology worksheet? Do they attend my school (since I swore that I did it and failed it)? Nevermind that, but they didn’t even use their usual yellow pen, instead their crude handwriting was done with a pencil. But the only that mattered at that moment were their words.
Saturday at 3 o’clock, town park west entrance.
So they wanted to meet up?
When I got home, I kept analyzing the note, looking for anything amiss with it. Any loophole that I can escape from. All I wanted was an answer but I got myself into a confrontation. It wouldn’t hurt if I just not go, right? Wrong, since then they might get mad at me for standing them up, which could mean they would never leave me these emotions ever again.
I sighed as I fell back onto my pillow. Guess I had to do this for an answer. The only thing that could hurt would be my ego, but it’s already taking it hard. Not like I could take any damage to the heart anyways. Being emotionless does have its advantage at times.
Saturday came in a breeze, before I knew it, I was standing in front of my mirror choosing what to wear. Not that I could be tormented by nerves or anything, but first impressions matter. In the end, I decided on a plain oversized white shirt and black skinny jeans. To top it off, a black and yellow plaid hoodie and my lucky black cap. For this confrontation, I needed as much luck as I could get.
In those cheesy romances, the protagonist would be nervous as time gets closer to the Meeting™. Not that I verified that for science, but if I did, I might resemble a phone on vibrate that was malfunctioning from waterlog. That would be if I was like others who did, but that time I was still on the high of joy, so no, I didn’t as I pretty much skipped down the sidewalk.
My pace slowed down as I neared the park entrance, I fought to keep my face straight. But of course my face replicated one of those actors in back-to-school commercials. Even if I did felt emotions, I wouldn’t be excited for anything school related.
So there I stood for a good five minutes. Apparently skipping took less time than walking, so I was there a bit early. If I did go in right then, it would be very awkward as I hadn’t been to a park since I was at least 3 years old. My parents never wanted to take me because it only reminded them how far off from a normal family we are. It hurted to hear the laughter from others ringing in a enclosed space of nature.
When I did decide to go in, still a bit early to be honest, I was met with the usual scene of a park on a Saturday afternoon. Families with children sat under the shade with baskets of food, couples walked along whispering sweet nothings, and elders strolled on the paved path. Instead of feeling isolated, I felt at ease among the brightness and joy. For once, I was not the blank spot left in a painting.
I didn’t see anyone that seemed to be waiting for me. Everyone was milling about, heads in their own worlds, not caring about others. So I parked myself in one of the benches that had a near perfect view of the entrance, waiting. I sort have wished that time could go a little faster since park benches weren’t the most comfortable place to sit after two seconds.
After checking my phone around ten thousand times, the time was finally 3 o’clock. Time to face the music. But no one came in after me, so I guess not.
Then, a figure ran in. They then bent down in an effort to catch their breath, definitely late for something. When they stood up though, I might have choked on my breath. That was the hormones, it was the hormones working. It was Felix. Felix, in all his glory, even though there was sweat dripping down his face, he still smiled like a gorgeous dork. His ripped jeans, white shirt and army green jacket compliments him perfectly. A cross earring hung off one ear, reflecting the sunlight into the eyes of any unlucky passerby. Blond hair that were matted down by sweat were being fixed by one hand. The other, clutched a bouquet of flowers.
Oh, I thought to myself. He’s probably waiting for a date. Good for him, being all popular and stuff. Things I will never feel for myself, to be a fumbling idiot in love. Sucks to be me. Couldn’t be jealous and in love even if I wanted to be.
At some point, Felix started turning widely, in search of someone. Definitely late by the look of panic on his face. Then, his eyes met mine. The panic was replaced by relief as he stepped towards me. Looks like he found someone to ask if they had seem some boy or girl nervously waiting for him. Even better that I went to the same school as him, so maybe I recognized them. But I haven’t seen anyone our age walk in, so Felix just got stood up. Not that I understand who would, since how could you not love him? Well except for me, of course.
Once he reached me, he just stood there. Possibly trying to find a way to group his words, Korean is still not his most familiar tongue. I slowly stood up since I knew I was short, but the way he had to look down at me was very weird. When my knees just cracked from a long period of stillness, it was very awkward.
“Hey,” Felix started, in his deep voice and foreign accent.
“Hey,” I said back, since we were off to a bad start and I didn’t know how else to move the conversation. So I continued.
“No, I haven’t seen your date. I’m waiting for someone so I’m sorry for you, buddy. I didn’t see anyone else come in.”
Felix just squinted at me in question, head trying to wrap around the jumbled words that came out a bit too fast. When he did decipher my words, instead of frowning, which was impossible since that boy can only smile, he started laughing. I watched as he bent over, would’ve crushed those flowers if not for the fact he put them behind his back. Oh wait, he went to hold his stomach, they were definitely crushed then. Too bad for those poor flowers.
Once he did manage to straighten himself though, Felix looked at me with sparkling eyes. “No, I’m not here on a date. Well, wasn’t intended to be a date…” He trailed off.
“Oh,” I said to no one in particular, “then why are you here?”
“For you.”
Two words. Only two words sent me into a hectic mind state. Questions asking what was happening and why was it happening. But none of it showed, again the pros of being emotionless shine through.
“Oh, but why?” Smiling to himself, Felix reached into his pocket, pulling out a sheet of paper. My sheet of paper. Opening it, he extended it to me.
“Because I am the ‘Random Kind Stranger who Makes My Day By Giving me Joy’?”
Shaking, I reached for the paper. Even though I should’ve felt so much more, the only thing I could’ve felt is happiness. The sad part of living off borrowed emotions, borrowed from the guy in front of me.
“How do you always have so much happiness to spare?” I asked, reminding myself of the reason I even wrote the message in the first place; how I even got into this situation.
“Uhhh…” Felix looked down at the ground, scuffing his shoes. I hope he’d better finish thinking since those shoes were gonna get worn down fast. There was probably a hole in the pavement already, by the time he stopped just hope there won’t be a tunnel reaching the other side of the world. That will take a lot of cement to fill, can’t afford that.
“Ireallylikeyouandwhenyousmileitmakesmereallyhappy?”
A stream of words rushed out of his mouth, too fast for me to catch. Or maybe because I didn’t want to hear it. I got to be hearing things wrong, there was no way that it ever happened.
Felix noticed my lack of response and took it as confusion, so he said it again. “I really like you and when you smile it makes me really happy,” he said, then waved his hand in front of my face. “you good there?”
I processed the words easily, but I couldn’t accept it. However much he likes me, I can never return it. Just as I wanted to reject him, no matter how sorry I am, I can only sound happy. As I opened my mouth, my heart throbbed painfully.
Out of surprise, I fell to my knees. I curled up into a ball as all these things came over me. Waves and waves of whatever it was crashed into me. Fat droplets of tears ran down my face as I felt so many emotions at once. Jealousy, hatred, admiration, anxiety and everything in between with complicated names no one remembers. One moment I was laughing my head off, next I wanted to hurt everything within reach.
A pair of arms pulled me tighter against them, security washed over me. My breathing slowed down as the pounding ceased. Finally I opened my eyes.
I met the worried gaze of Felix, his words are still muffled but his concern seeped through. He made me feel safe, as those emotions came under control again, I fell deeper into his eyes. Had his freckles always looked this good? My heartbeat sped up as a gasp was caught in my throat. Is this love? Do I like him like he does for me?
Blinking, I let him pull me up, even though the moment I pulled from his arms I missed his warmth. But when Felix laced our fingers together, sending electricity up my arm, I knew it was love. I liked him back.
“I can feel emotions,” I whispered, loud enough for only him to hear. Upon my words, Felix’s eyebrows shot up comically, I giggled like the lovesick idiot I am, he smiled back with fondness.
“Oh, and I guess I love you too.”
With no warning, Felix leaned in, sealing his lips against mine. His lips were so soft, putting my ‘Quality Down’ pillows to shame because they were nothing compared to this. Uncertain, I pulled him closer by his waist, but by how he complied, I’m guessing it’s alright? Not that I know anything only, once again, cheesy romances. Sort of thankful towards those binge watch nights now.
Sadly, all good things must come to an end, again. Felix pulled away way too soon for my liking. I just stood there for a good few seconds before his low chuckle brought me out from whatever spell I was under. Opening my eyes, I noticed that dork smirking at me. Heat spread across my face. So this is blushing. Embarrassment led to me burying my face into his shoulder. Being the perfect height, his arms wrapped around me again. The guy who just took my first kiss.
“Hey,” he whispered into my ear, “you wanna go talk somewhere more comfortable?” I kind of nodded with my cheek glued to his shoulder, so he took that as a yes.
We pulled apart as Felix took my hand into his own, linking our fingers. “I know a really lovely cafe nearby, wanna go?”
“Do you expect me to say no to that?”
“Alright then, it’s a date!”
At the word ‘date’ I can’t help but blush more, I was on stage 2 of “Changbin’s Evolution Into a Tomato”. Felix’s cheeks were also dusted in a light pink, bringing out his freckles even more.
Just as we reached the same way we came in, Felix suddenly ran back, leaving me extremely puzzled. He came back clutching the bouquet of flowers he had left behind on the bench when I broke down. Holding it out to me, he shyly mumbled, “These are for you.” Squashed and tossed aside, the petals were crumbling and falling apart, the blossoms still looked beautiful despite all that.
“They are lovely.”
“Not as lovely as you though.”
“Stop it, I have an image to keep.” Laughter spilled out like a rushing stream.
I clutched the white camellias to my chest, breathing in their scent and imprinting it in my mind, a memory worth treasuring. “Let’s go,” I said, returning my hand into Felix’s, where it feels like it belonged, “I’m hungry.”
“I am too.”
And we walked off.
Not into the sunset like all the Disney movies we binge watched one day in the future, but to the “lovely” cafe that serves the best americano I’ve ever tasted. Felix said it was him that made it better, just like how he can make anything better, I just rolled my eyes at his antics.
But he’s not wrong.
Without the new couple noticing, a tag flew out from between the crumpled blooms. If anyone cared to read it, they would find a simple message wriiten in yellow ink.
I love you, sunshine. For filling my heart with your unique colours.
On the back of the tag, in loopy letters is another message.
White Camellia: Purity & Adoration