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There was once a boy. A boy that never smiled, frowned, pouted or cried.
Everyday, he walked around with the same poker face that never changed. That would’ve be very useful as a secret agent or a guard, no one could ever read you. But he was tiny so that didn’t happen.
His name was Seo Changbin. Or as most of the school called him, Soulless Changbin.
I, Lee Felix on the other hand, wore my heart on my sleeve. An open book that came with pictures that can be read by anyone. It was nice, since it always made me the moodmaker in a crowd. But not when I was trying to lie my way out of anything.
Like that Tuesday in the practice room, for example.
“So,” Minho rolled over onto his stomach, after we just finished another exhausting dance practice. “You got your eyes on anyone these days?”
“Hm?” I responded, mind on the sweat puddle forming underneath me instead of the other. At this pace drowning in my own sweat seemed pretty probable.
“I said,” Minho asked again, this time he slowed down just in case I couldn't understand him through the language barrier. If only he knew I understood him loud and clear. “Do you have your eyes on anyone?” which cued kissy faces from that giant immature baby.
Nodding to myself, I hesitated before answering. “No I don't.”
“Lies.” Another voice said, followed by the sound of a closing door. I turned my head enough to glimpse my other teammate walking in from a water run. Hyunjin pretty much dropped my water bottle on my face.
“Don't you dare ruin my beautiful face!”
“You must be pretty delusional to call that a face.”
Then he settled down right next to me, and schooched backwards when he realized how he sat in my sweat.
“Anyway,” Minho's voice pulled me out from the petty battle Hyunjin and I were having, which was unfortunate since I was clearly winning. “Hyunjin isn't lying when he said you are surely whipped for someone.”
“Well he's wrong, and you're wrong too.” Unfortunately, as I said, I can't lie past anything. Including Minho and Hyunjin with their two combined brain cells. It's pretty obvious as my entire face flushed and the tips of my ears started to burn.
“AH-HA!, I knew it!” Hyunjin screamed, bouncing to his feet. Pointing a finger at me, he continued screaming. “I knew it!”
“You knew what?”
The door opened to reveal Chan and his boyfriend Woojin, the two that basically adopted all of us and is the only reason all of us didn't die from a stupid stunt yet. They wouldn’t hesitate to throw some hands if any one of us got hurt.
Before I could deny anything that just happened, Minho answered for me. “Felix is denying his love for someone.”
“Ahhhh… So who’s the lucky guy or gal who caught my Aussie child’s eye?” Chan asked, settling down beside me before ruffling my already messy hair. “Is it that emotionless guy?”
Even at the mention of his title, I choked on my saliva. As I coughed my lungs out, Chan continued, talking to the rest. “Doesn't he stare at him like a poor puppy dog whenever he, what's his name, Changbin, walks into the room?”
Simultaneously, everyone in the room started nodding. Except for me, I was shaking my head vigorously. With the tips of my ears flaming, contrasting harshly with my bleached hair, of course.
“Aww..” Woojin cooed, “‘Lix has a crush, kids these days are going up so fast.” He said, wiping away a fake tear like the melodramatic mother hen he is.
At that, everyone cooed before piling up on top of me. Me, I was at the very bottom getting my ribs crushed by a bunch of overgrown toddlers. Their minds may have been young but their weight sure ain't. Chan, who chose to lay right on top of me immediately regretted it when my sweat started to seep through his shirt; a loud scream of disgust resounded through the room.
After that, none of my friends, even those who weren't in the room at that time, mercilessly teased me about my crush, no matter how much I denied it. At one point I just gave up, since I realized maybe I did like Changbin.
Even with his blankness, Changbin still managed to be so breathtaking. This world did nothing to deserve him.
The “Changlix” fanclub, as my friends called themselves, were especially triumphant when I said that. My words served as oil over their fire, which led to me being spammed by them even whenever I so much looked towards Changbin.
They voted Chan as their head, which caused me to be constantly pestered by him. The only texts I even received from them were along the lines of 'WHIPPED™’.
“So, when are you going to do anything about your hormones?” Minho asked, just another day in the practice room. Both of us burned out from another club meeting.
“When you do something about yours for Jisung.” I replied, effectively shutting him up. At the silent response, I cheekily winked before heading over to my things.
One day, Changbin just changed, all of a sudden.
His face, which was once smooth with emptiness, became filled with frowns and sorrow. As valid of emotions those are, he didn't deserve them. How could such an angel ever deserve the taste of hurt and regret?
Every day, I could only watch as he snapped at everyone around him, looking worse for wear every single day. His blank slate had been drawn over, but why is it so ugly?
It was a Thursday.
The first bell didn't ring yet, so most of the school were waiting at the front, milling about. I was chatting with Seungmin, Jisung and Jeongin, stressing over the physics test in the afternoon. For once, Changbin wasn't brought up.
Then, Park Jinyoung walked in. His minions immediately surrounded him. Normally, I would have ignored him and continue on with my day, but something told there was more to it. The smug look on his face spelled trouble.
I spotted the trouble as soon as Changbin walked in, tear stains evident on his face. When he walked in, Jinyoung gestured for his men to crowd him in, swaggering to the middle.
“Pardon me, everyone,” the upperclassman turned towards the other students, gestured them towards him, “But would anyone like to know what this little freak is up to?” Pointed at Changbin.
Interested, people started walking towards them, wishing to get in on the drama. And that included me, and everyone else alongside me.
In Changbin's eyes, I saw fear. Fear for what Jinyoung could know, and what could become of it.
Jinyoung's tone was taunting, but with the buzz of the crowd drowning out his voice, I only picked up 'freak’, 'box’, 'emotions’ and 'trash’. Every word sent Changbin closer to tears.
Trying to control his floodgates, the boy looked around the pressing crowd, and found my eyes. Tears circle his orbs, it was at that moment that I knew I loved him, and I wouldn’t let those tears grace his face again.
At first, I didn't know what to do. But thanks to the internet, I found something. The art of extracting one's own emotions, well, an art anyone could do if they just spared time to look it up. This was how people were managing to leave their negative emotions to Changbin.
If it worked for them, it must work for happiness too, the only emotion that Changbin truly deserved.
My only worry was if I’d will ever run out of it. As the websites all said, if there wasn't enough of that emotion in one, they could be forever drained of it.
Well, anything for him to be happy.
So that was how I found myself besides his box on a Monday afternoon with sweat dripping down my brows. A sunny yellow orb clutched in my fist; I restrained from squeezing or I would’ve took it back. It rolled off my palm into the box with all the cool colours, like a pearl lost at sea.
Then, I turned, walking away, in fear of a confrontation between the owner of the box and I.
That night, I felt empty. Unable to feel happy or joyful. I didn't laugh with my family at the dinner table. If anyone noticed anything off, they didn't say anything. Which would be a whole tricky conversation navigated around.
My work paid off the next day, as Changbin walked in with a beautiful smile gracing his face. Everyone was shocked; the halls buzzed with careless whispers. No one knew how and why he was happy. Me, on the other hand, had a pretty good idea. Listening to his soothing laugh, joy bloomed in my chest as my happiness was restored.
Still, by the end of the day, the happiness still wore off, just like all of his other emotions. Once again, I raced towards his box, getting there before him. This time, I left a note along with the orb, remaining anonymous, before hurrying to catch my dance practice.
The same cycle continued on. I would leave my joy for him, be devoid of it for the night, see him happy at school, happiness returns and I would leave yet another orb with a note. Days become weeks, going into months.
The rest of the guys eventually found out after a while as my lack of smiles stacked up. But none of them tried to talk me out of it, something I'm secretly grateful for. Often, Minho or Chan would walk with me to the drop-off as we went home. They still kept to themselves since they understood how personal it was to me, another small thing I'm largely grateful for.
It was a Wednesday.
I was making my usual walk home, another short note clutched in my hand. The difference in the air was the additional person tagging along.
Minho had FINALLY got enough guts to confess to Jisung. (“Look at you, finally not being a chicken anymore.” “Did someone say chicken?” “No, Woojin sweetie, that's not what I-” “CHICKEN!!!”) Turned out that they both had feelings for each other for the longest time, thinking the other didn't return their feelings. (“Whoever thinks that they are whipped idiots say 'aye’.”) So now they're attached at the hips, flirting shamelessly as a wave of nausea washed over me.
“Today, we lost two of our brothers, may their souls rest in peace,”
“We are just dating each other you jerk, I taught you better than this Jeonginie!”
And, of course, I had to be the third wheel between the two new lovebirds, already rivaling with the disgustingness of Woochan.
“No, you will not be the cutest couple! Woojin!”
“Hun, chill. Minho, Jisung, we are so proud of you t-”
“Woojin they’re trying to beat us at PDA you aren’t supposed to be on their side!”
I walked ahead since if I was within the two metre radius on the two I might’ve actually hurled. So I reached the box way before the two. Just as I was about to plop the energy into the box just like any other day, something caught my attention. It was a neatly folded sheet of paper. A letter, for, I guess me.
I read it with a smile. How could someone be so cute?
“To the Random Kind Stranger who Makes My Day By Giving me Joy”? Cute. Long rambling? Cute. Overall? Cute. My heart, uwu.
I focused all of my mind into reading, since reading hangul is very hard. So much that I didn't even notice the two figures who sidled up behind up me.
“What's that,” Jisung whispered in my ear, caused me to jump a foot off the ground, nearly sent me into a whole back flip. Minho would've been proud.
“I think I know what that is,” Minho said, peeking over my other shoulder. “Is that from lover boy?” Taking another peek at my flaming face, he muttered to himself, confirming his thought, “Yup, from lover boy.”
“So, are you gonna show yourself to him?” Jisung mused to himself, skimming through the letter already. Darn him and his fluency in Korean.
Out of nerves, I started scratching the back of my neck. Minho noticed my uneasiness, patted my back as a sign on support. “It's ok man, it's up to you. But remember, I already confessed, it's your turn now.” He said with one eyebrow raised, nudged me towards Jisung.
I nodded in thought, taking all of their opinions into view. “Quick, paper and pencil.” With a question filled face, Jisung pulled out a pencil stub and ripped piece of his worksheet. “Hurry up, any slower and I would’ve regretted this.”
After I scrawled whatever I thought of down, I dropped it inside the box along with the same orb of warm energy. Then, I turned around towards home without a second thought, gesturing for the others to follow along. “Let's go before I take that back.”
“You know when you gestured us to go with you, that was like a scene out of a gangster movie.”
“Shut up.”
It was a Saturday.
“Oh, and I guess I love you too.”
That sentence rang in my head, bouncing off the walls. A sentence I never expected to hear. Since Changbin couldn't feel emotions, my love was always hopeless. But he also said another unexpected sentence.
“I can feel emotions,”
With tear stains down his face from a staggering fit, snot leaving a mark on my shoulder, lips turned upwards, he was ever so beautiful. And I loved him.
So I kissed him. He didn't seem to mind.
“You crushed these flowers!”
“I'm sorry! But you were funny!”
“Dammit, why do I love a dork?”
“That, my beloved boyfriend, is a great question.”
That's how I got here.
Today is a Sunday.
We are in a pillow fort that we built ourselves, it took three prior tries. The floor is completely hidden from sight by pillows and blankets. Packets of snacks are within arm's reach but away from the crushing weights of two high school boys.
Our legs are tangled together; I can't tell where one starts or ends. His palm is smack against mine, sending a familiar warmth throughout my whole body. On the laptop, some cliche drama is playing, one that Changbin insisted me on watching. I mean, who can resist his puppy eyes? He feels like home, even though this place is clearly not mine, but Changbin's.
I love him, and he loves me.
I sure am glad that the fog lifted to show the sun.
“How are your pillows so soft? I need one in my life ASAP!”
“Your lips are softer.”