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The light is bright and it burns Bucky’s eyes, making him wonder when the white light will finally lead to the sweet release of death. He squints as he tries to move, but his chest is strapped down and his head lolls dangerously before it bangs back into the metal.
желание
ржaвый
No.
Семнадцать
Рассвет
No!
Печь
Девять
No...
“No, please,” he whines helplessly, shutting his eyes tightly, his hand shakily trying to reach up, to cover his ear, to try to stop those words from being uttered. It does nothing, there’s one hand and two ears, and there’s no stopping those words. There never is.
Bucky really thought this time things would be different. That he would wake up and maybe this time he’d be himself. Well, as much as 70 years of brainwashing allowed him to be himself. He figured he’d at least be allowed to explore it, freely, without being afraid of his own shadow, away from everything and everyone.
добросердечный
возвращение на родину
“Please…” his voice is small, barely a whine, and he lets it happens. What else can he do? There’s no stopping it, he’s disoriented, his vision is still blurry and there’s no way to punch his way out. Bucky is so, so tired, and maybe letting the part of him he hates take over isn’t so bad. He tried, he really did, he did his best and it wasn’t enough. It was time to really let go. If he never was Bucky again, it wouldn’t even matter.
Один
He wondered what happened this time. What happened to Wakanda, T’Challa.. How he ended up in enemy hands once again? Who’s going to use the Asset this time? How many years have passed?
Where’s Steve?
All questions he’ll never get the answer to. As much as he wanted to take charge of his own life, his own destiny, he couldn’t. Bucky lost that right the moment he was drafted.
грузовой вагон
He waits for that blissful numbness, of being pushed in the back and not having to deal with existing anymore. Maybe this time he’ll make things easier, not fight for control over a broken mind. It will be peaceful.
Yet..
Silence
“Sergeant Barnes?” The English is soft, though foreign, and there’s something wrong. He’s aware, he feels the clothes on his skin, his thoughts are his own and it’s starting to get warmer. He never feels warm.
The arm was what always started it, the metal plates whirling and moving as the words slowly activated him, got him pliant and submissive. The arm was always cold, the straps were cold, the room as cold, his soul was cold. There’s no arm this time, so Bucky doesn’t feel it, but he figured there would be something else. A tingle on his spine, a ache on his head. There’s nothing.
There’s nothing and Bucky has no idea how to deal with it.
His eyes flutter as he allows them to open, the bright light still hard, but blinking helps his eyes grow accustomed to the brightness. At least this time he had time to do it, and after a few minutes, his blinking turned into slow glances around himself, trying to assess his surroundings, until they stopped on the gentle face of a teenage girl.
“It’s Shuri. Do you remember me?” her voice as soft, calm, but there was a confidence there Bucky wasn’t expecting. All of his handlers were afraid of him, as much as they tried to mask it. Bucky was always more aggressive right after cryo, and they would only let the breaths they were holding go when he went pliant under the trigger words. She wasn’t a handler, though. She took a step closer to him and started to unbuckled him from the table, as if she was a doctor changing a patient's drip.
Bucky watched as her hands undid the buckles on the straps over his chest, and he held back the need to push against them, to be sure they were were off. There was nothing stopping him from bolting out of there, but Bucky didn’t want to. His mind was still slightly foggy, but he remembered. He was safe in Wakanda, the Princess was the most qualified person to help him, T’Challa told him, and Bucky was starting to think so as well.
She clearly had no reason to hurry, letting Bucky slowly sit up on the table, a hand on his arm as he was still weak enough to need the extra help sitting up straight as his legs swung off the side, dangling there. He wasn’t about to adventure to stand on his own two feet, and as she realised that, she looked ready to dive into what had happened while Bucky was under “We were able to reverse Zola-”
“What?” Bucky had to interrupt, maybe because that name still sent shivers down his spine, maybe because her voice sounded way too excited for someone about to talk science to him before he was barely awake. He needed a moment to catch his breath.
“The trigger words, Sarge. They don’t work anymore,” she sounded proud of herself, but there was a hint of understanding there, like Bucky was more than a lab rat, that what she did, while scientifically exciting, was for Bucky’s benefit only. It was compassion Bucky wasn’t used to, and it hit him like a ton of bricks, almost as much as what he had just said.
“They… don’t?” his voice is pained as he looks up at Shuri. Crown princess, genius, younger than Rebecca when Bucky left her. This child fixed him, as much as he could be fixed, and Bucky forgot how to breathe. “T-Thank you,” he let out in heaves, a small smile tugging on the corner of his lips as he bowed his head to her and tried to catch his breath, his eyes watering.
His fingers gripped the cold edge of the table, grounding him. He was awake, he was warm, he hadn’t caused any harm. Maybe things would be okay now. Maybe Bucky could finally breathe and be himself. Maybe he didn’t have to worry anymore about being used. The last leverage someone could use against him was gone.
He sat there silently for a few more minutes, and no one rushed him. There’s only the kind smile of the Princess as he looked up, asking the question he’s been dying to ask. He promised he would be right there, and Bucky never took him for someone who would break promises. Unless the promise was to stay out of trouble, “Where’s Steve?”
“I’m right here, Buck,” the voice is clear, and Bucky’s eyes immediately find Steve’s as he speaks up, and maybe he really is getting better, if he missed Steve standing behind the Princess all along. As their eyes meet, he takes a step closer, around Shuri as if she wasn’t there anymore . He hoovers a bit on his place, though, clearly unsure of what he can do, “Like I promised.”
Bucky takes in his appearance. He isn’t sure how long it has been since he went under, but Steve’s hair is long, slicked back, and there’s a dense stubble gracing his jaw. Months at least, and he can’t wait to be updated on what happened. On what Steve has been up to, if Sam is less of an insufferable jerk, if Wanda has been kinder on herself after the Raft.
“You really let yourself go,” he lets out instead, in a tired laugh, but raises his arm slightly, and Steve takes the hint, stepping forward until there’s no more steps to take, “Punk.”
“Jerk,” Steve’s laugh catches on his throat as he wraps his arms around Bucky, his entire body leaning into his, rough fingers gripping the back of his tank top. It reminds Bucky of the time Steve saved him in Azzano, how he held his face in his hands, so surprised but so happy to see Bucky alive. They hugged, but it was rushed, Bucky was on his feet even before he could properly stand up, and for the first time in their lives, he leaned into Steve.
They didn’t have to rush out of enemy territory this time. Bucky was a different person from the last time he saw Steve, but this time it was for good. He was going to be better now, and he leaned into Steve once again. Even with only one arm, his grip rivaled Steve’s, his fingers not letting go of the back of the hoodie he had on, and if anyone wanted to separate them now they would have to pry Bucky’s cold dead fingers from that fabric.
The hug felt like coming home after a long time away. Bucky couldn’t describe it any other way, even if they had held each other other times before. Hell, Steve almost but dragged him out of a bunker in Siberia, and it didn’t feel as good as this. There wasn’t any blood involved this time, or a fight, or the need to run. It was a simple hug, but it carried decades of feelings and emotions Bucky wasn’t sure how to let out.
So he held Steve, buried his face in the crook of his neck, felt the drag of his stubble on his temple, breathed in the smell that reminded him so much of home, even if Bucky doesn’t remember where home is anymore.
It just feels right to have Steve in his arms like this, and if his thighs press against Steve’s hips, it’s just Bucky’s subconscious holding onto him every way possible. The whole koala hug seems a bit excessive, but they’re pressed together as close as Bucky sitting on a table allows them to, but he can’t argue with it. It’s perfect.
There’s a sharp cough and Bucky knows it comes from the princess. He couldn’t see anyone but her dare to do such a thing. They probably stood there for way too long, if the Princess was alerting them to her presence, when before she let Bucky blink up at the ceiling for what felt like a solid ten minutes.
“Uhm…” she clears her throat, but there’s an easy smile on her lips as they slowly break apart, but Steve barely moves from where he stands between Bucky’s thighs. She doesn’t seem bothered, though, as she continues as the hug was barely a moment’s pause on her speech.
“We need to run a couple more tests. Start to get you used to being awake as well,” she starts “We have prepared a room for you here, but we’ll arrange some other place when we clear you safe for consumption,” there’s a teasing tone in her voice as she speaks. Bucky likes her, she seems the kind of person to give everything straight to you, even if she jokes about it. “An apartment in the city, a room in the castle, a hut in the outskirts of town. My brother’s way of apologizing for nearly sinking his claws into you.”
“You’ve already done enough, I can’t possibly-”
“Oops, too late, Sarge,” she stops him with a raise of her hand “I’ve poked enough around your brain to decide you need a break from whatever it is Captain Reckless over here does as his day job,” Shuri points at Steve who barely flushes and chuckles at her antics. Steve likes her too, and maybe staying won’t be so bad. He could use the rest, he’s not 100 years old physically, but he feels so mentally. “You’re welcomed here, Sergeant Barnes. You do not need to worry,”
“Thank you..” he gives her another thankful smile, not sure what else he can say or do. Everyone’s too kind and he isn’t sure he deserved it at all. Her father was caught in the cross-fire to get him, yet, this girl is kind enough to help him, knowing fully well that if he was dead, maybe it would be best for everyone.
Steve doesn’t like it when Bucky admits that, and maybe he has something in him that senses when Bucky goes into that dark part of his mind, because his hand is on Bucky’s elbow and his smile is blinding.
“You think you can get up? The view from the lab is amazing, I think it would be a great visual to start over from,” Steve says excitedly as he helps Bucky stand, smiling as he sees that Bucky barely sways on his feet. It reminds Bucky of a young, scrawny, wide eyed Steven Rogers, taking his hand and tugging him along a busy street in the middle of Brooklyn.
Bucky followed then and he follows now, a hand on Steve’s bicep just to steady himself on if he needed. He can see the edge of a forest as he slowly comes closer to the ceiling-to-floor window, but he can’t help but smile, thinking he already had the view he needed to start this new journey of his life. And the blue of the sky couldn’t come close to the blue of Steve’s eyes.