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The people across the sea…they brought many new things, Levi thought. Knowledge, food, military advancements; information that they needed, but that he, with his clouded, weary mind, could not seem to find it in himself to enjoy. To him, the recipes tasted bland, the blueprints of aerial ships dull. How could it be anything else, when the person he loved the most was not there to see it with him too?
It wasn’t fair that he, who would appreciate it with his curiosity and natural wonder, did not get to experience any of it, and it made Levi ache to imagine how he would smile in pleasure and light up with happiness at the simplest of new things. His excited tangents about subjects that interested him — the ones described to him during more private times, where Erwin could be himself and that only Levi had the privilege to witness — had sometimes been hard for him to follow, but he would give anything to listen to one of them now, to hear his laugh wash over him whenever he found something very funny.
Still, though, despite the fact that it hurt, despite the pain in his chest, Levi watched and listened and learned, as he had not forgotten his duty to continue living for those they’d left behind who could not.
For that reason, he found himself sitting in the back of the room one night while the volunteer soldier, Onyankopon, regaled the kids with tales from Marley. Although Levi tended to curl his lip up at them for obvious reasons, his attention was piqued when he heard mention of this word, ‘god.’
“He was lonely, and so he created us in his image.” It was explained. “Some people believe He is always watching. He blesses those who do good deeds, and rewards them with an eternal afterlife up in Heaven.”
Blah blah blah. Levi thought. Typical religious bullshit. He’d heard similar ideology from the Wall Cult who also believe in a concept of Heaven and Hell, but still, the word ‘afterlife’ caused him to bite his lip. Again, he thought of him. Again, he recalled his desire for Erwin to rest. Was it possible that he was, but that he had retained his consciousness somewhere and now existed knowing, yet free of guilt?
It wasn’t the first time that Levi had thought of it, because he couldn’t deny that the idea was somewhat comforting. Unable to stop himself, his curiosity got the best of him and he went back to Onyankopon later that night, full of more questions than he had actually had in ages.
“Tell me about ‘god.” He said, watching as the man seemed to blink in surprise — probably because Levi had not approached him like this so far. “And your afterlife.”
“When someone dies, their sins and good deeds are judged by Him. If the good deeds outweigh the sins, their soul is allowed in through the gates of Heaven to live for all eternity.” Onyankopon explained, offering Levi a smile that he did not return.
“And what if there’s too many sins?”
“Then they go to Hell, where they’re punished and tormented for what they’ve done.”
“Forever?”
“Yes, forever.”
Hell, Levi thought. Hell was where Erwin thought he’d be going, but Levi refused to believe that, not when he’d sacrificed so much, when he’d been so, so selfless and devoted his entire life to the progression of humanity beyond the walls. In his mind, all Erwin had done was good deeds, and if anyone deserved to spend eternity in a place like Heaven, it was him.
“What’s heaven like?” Levi asked at that thought, sitting with his arms and legs crossed in a corner.
“There’s no pain there. Or sadness. It’s where the angels live, and everything is beautiful. No one suffers anymore; God only gives happiness.”
Biting his lip at that, Levi drew his brows down and looked away. “Then…can they see us from that place?”
“Some people believe that. They say you can pray to them, and sometimes they answer.”
“Do you believe that shit?”
“Well…it’s a nice thought, isn’t it?”
In that moment, the expression Onyankopon fixed on Levi was too knowing. Sneering, he scoffed and walked away, retreating to his bedroom where he could forget about this stupid religious bullshit in peace. It was probably not true, he thought, but still…what if? He wanted to believe it, he knew, deep down, and found it comforting, because if there was really a Heaven then there was no doubt in his mind that Erwin was there, up with the angels and perhaps looking down on them while they fought.
Could he actually see all the new things they’d discovered these past few months? Levi hoped so, but perhaps most selfishly of all, he wondered if there was a chance that — if Heaven, if an afterlife, did exist — he would be able to see Erwin again once he died.
That night, Levi prayed, sitting up in bed, closing his eyes, and clasping his hands together like he had seen Onyankopon show the kids.
“Erwin.” He whispered, wincing when his voice came out shaky and raw, something odd since this was not actually the first time that he had done this. No, he’d spoken to him before — hell, he’d done so as Erwin had left him on the roof — but hadn’t in quite a while, and for some reason, this time, with a real thought that he might actually be out there listening, Levi found himself full of nerves and struggling to force out what he wanted to say. Was this stupid? He felt silly, but still, who else did he actually have to fucking talk to? “Can you believe what an idiot I am, listening to some religious nutjob and doing this shit?”
Pausing, he swallowed and felt his brows draw down tightly, remembering, again, the way that Erwin would have smiled and then laughed softly at his stupid joke. Unable to help how the tears welled up then — he was sleep deprived, exhausted and perpetually in a fog, and did not feel as strong as he’d used to be in order to stop it — he squeezed his hands together, and opened his mouth and closed it again a few times before he continued.
“I miss you, you bastard.” He uttered then, gritting his teeth even as he began to talk a bit more confidently. “You…everything reminds me of you, and I can’t fucking forget. I don’t want to…but I wish things had been different, and that you were still here. It’s not the same Erwin, but I hope you’re happy. I…I hope you’re having a good rest.”
Sniffling, Levi now barely noticed that his cheeks had become a bit damp. Feeling, then, as if some kind of dam had broken inside him — it seemed to grow easier to speak the longer he went on — he let go, no longer worrying about how childish this might have been as he continued.
“….Hange tries, but they get too excited. They can’t reign it the fuck in, and it makes me worry what kind of shit they’ll do. But…I know you’d be interested in all of it too. There’s airships now, and they’re helping us build a harbor. They taught us how to cook food from the sea. The sea, Erwin…it’s so big. The world is big. It’s just like you used to tell me at night. Remember when we would sit up in bed? You always said there were more places, where the air didn’t smell like piss. I wish you could see it, but—
Levi paused again when he felt his breath hitch. Almost trembling, he hastily wiped his eyes with his sleeve but then continued, unable to deny that he felt less tense after talking about all this shit out loud. When was the last time he’d opened up to anyone? Before Erwin’s death, obviously, because he had been — and still was — the only person who Levi had allowed to see him like this. Now, although the things he was speaking of were painful, he was calmed by the thought that Erwin might be listening, that he was out there, somehow, somewhere, and that it was possible he could hear him talk.
In fact, he thought, if he let his mind wander enough, he could almost imagine that Erwin was sitting beside him, warm and golden and smiling in the soft, gentle way that had always been reserved only for him.
“They brought sweets, too.” He murmured, emitting a quiet, watery sounding scoff as he remembered how much Erwin had enjoyed sugar. “There’s so much. You’d eat it all, and rot your teeth out. I’d have to find you a pair of fucking dentures.”
Uncaring that his tears were flowing freely now, Levi continued and talked and talked — until his voice was hoarse, because he had not spoken this much in ages — telling Erwin about almost everything that had happened in the past few months since the Marleyan soldiers had come. He asked him questions and spoke about the kids and anything else he could think of, adding one more thing at the end that…well, that despite their closeness, despite the many intimate moments they’d had lying in each other’s arms, he had never been able to tell Erwin out loud: “I love you, Erwin. I dunno if ‘God’ would let a piece of shit like me into Heaven, but…if he does, I hope that I get to see you again soon. You’ll have to wait, though, because I have to take care of something here first.”
Strangely, at that, Levi suddenly felt a great deal of warmth wash over him like a wave — one that was so strong that it caused him to open his eyes and look around the room as if he expected to see an unlatched window. Naturally, he did not, and although part of him suspected that he’d just imagined it, he honestly didn’t care, and found the brief thought that it might have been Erwin responding to his words from Heaven to be comforting. Feeling like a weight had somehow been lifted off his shoulders too, Levi, for the first time in a long time, slept with hope, and more deeply than he had in ages.