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It happened out of nowhere.
They had been friends since the age of 11, and all three of them had been by his side through all the ups and downs, Sirius especially. Up until seventh year, he could still flirt shamelessly with Sirius, could still touch him without feeling electricity coursing through his body, could still just think of him as one of his best friends, and that was that. Nothing more, nothing less.
And then, all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, Remus Lupin just couldn’t get Sirius Black out of his mind.
It had been a sunny Saturday afternoon. Remus was sitting on the carpet by the fire, immersed in a book. In the armchair next to him was Sirius, lounging with one of his legs dangling from the armrest, his wand twirling between his fingers.
The common room was quiet. It was a Hogsmeade weekend, and, even though it was still rather early, nearly everybody was outside soaking in the rare sunshine in a September day. Remus didn’t mind the quiet; it made him feel rather serene. Sirius, on the other hand, was impatiently tsking and twirling his wand, occasionally changing his position in the armchair to get more comfortable. He ended up with his head on one of the armrest and both his legs hanging from the other. The swing of his legs nearly kicked Remus’s book out of his hand.
“Sirius.” Remus muttered, nudging farther away from his friend’s dangling legs.
Sirius grinned, but stopped swinging his legs back and forth. He straightened up in his seat and squinted at Remus.
“Why aren’t you at Hogsmeade, Moony?”
Remus gave a light snort, flipped a page of the book, and said, without looking up, “all of my friends have dates. I’d rather curl under my blanket reading than go to Hogsmeade as a third wheel.”
Sirius stared at him with a look of mock hurt on his face, “what do you mean all of your friends? What am I then?”
Remus raised his head to look at him. Sirius had his shoulder-length black hair pulled into a pony tail, but a few strands still fell across his forehead into his stormy grey eyes. His eyebrows were furrowed slightly, and Remus knew that Sirius was actually worried that Remus didn’t consider him as a friend.
Before he could open his mouth to tell Sirius that of course he was his friend and that we love you, Pads, but for Merlin’s sake, stop being so fucking insecure around us, the portrait hole swung open, and a breathless looking fourth-year ran in. She took one look around the common room, grinned, and made a beeline for Sirius.
“Of course you’re my friend. I did say all my friends have dates, right?” Remus managed an innocent look, and tilted his head towards the girl, “here comes yours.”
“Hey Sirius!” She skidded to a stop in front of the two of them, gave one look at Remus, then turned her attention fully to the ebony-haired boy.
“Hi Jeanene.” Sirius turned his head around and his expressions changed, in less than a second, from furrowed brows to suggestive grin, “what’s up?”
Remus gave one look at the two of them, and returned to his book, trying to read.
And failing miserably.
The girl, Jeanene, gave her long hair a flipped, and leaned forward, bearing her eyes directly into Sirius’, and asked, “will you go to Hogsmeade with me?”
Sirius seemed taken aback by that, but whether that was genuine or just an act, Remus didn’t know; Sirius could be really difficult to read sometimes.
When he didn’t answer immediately, Jeanene leaned even closer, nearly into Sirius’ personal space. Knowing how uncomfortable Sirius was with people getting to close to him, Remus was about to open his mouth to protest for him when he heard a low chuckle from Sirius.
“Sure. Why not.”
Sirius gave Jeanene a wink, and tilted his head so that the stray strand of hair over his forehead could fall back to the side, “just gimme a moment to change, and I’ll be right with ya.”
Jeanene gave him a bright smile, and made to walk out the portrait hole, a spring in her steps.
Remus then knew better than to say anything. He couldn’t trust himself to open his mouth when he was feeling out of breath.
There was a weird feeling nagging in the back of his head, and Remus couldn’t quite put it. He couldn’t explain why, at that very moment, he wanted Jeanene to have some very serious injuries so that she couldn’t possibly walk for a whole month.
It wasn’t like he wanted to go to Hogsmeade with Jeanene. He knew he was bisexual a long while ago, and all his friends did too, not long after his own revelation, but Jeanene just wasn’t his type.
Remus gave a half-hearted smile when Sirius grinned and winked at him when he walked pass him up to their dormitory to change, the weird feeling getting more and more pronounced until his thoughts came to an abrupt halt.
You don’t fancy Sirius, do you?
Remus was surprised by that, but waved it away.
He’s my best friend.
But try as he might, that thought never really left his head from that moment.
Sirius and Jeanene flirted back and forth after that Hogsmeade visit, but Sirius was never very into their conversation. He had known Jeanene fancied him, hell it was her that gave him that horrendously bright pink card with a pick-up line so cheesy even Sirius cringed when he read it last Valentine’s Day. They had chatted a bit since then, but neither of them initiated anything until that Hogsmeade weekend.
“I mean, she’s actually a pretty decent girl.” Sirius said, once again lounging in his usual armchair.
Remus “hmmm”ed from his seat on the nearby sofa, scratching his head while writing his Potions essay.
“She’s eccentric, I’ll give you that, and she always has lots to talk about,” Sirius puckered his lips to blow his hair away from his mouth, “Merlin knows where she finds all the stories and anecdotes.”
Remus gave another light hum, but didn’t look up, “if you like her, ask her out, Padfoot, from the way she looks at you, I don’t think she’ll say no.”
Sirius arched up from his armchair and rested his elbows on his knees, “I dunno, mate.”
Remus glanced up, and saw the uncertainty on Sirius’ face. He sighed, and put down his quill, “what is it?”
“I just –” Sirius looked like he was struggling for words, which was rare, “I don’t feel anything with her, y’know? Like, like butterflies in the stomach, electricity going through you when you touch, all that shit.”
Remus laughed, “so it was you who’s been reading those Muggle romance novels. Do you even know what electricity is?”
Sirius glared, but Remus could see the mirth in his eyes.
“Excuse you! I did take Muggle Studies, you know.”
Remus grinned.
“Look, not every relationship is like those described in the novels, y’know, the world would be so much more peaceful if they were.”
“I guess.” Sirius mumbled.
Remus straightened up, “Sirius, don’t go down that road,” he warned, “we’ve told you a million times that you do deserve to be loved, so stop right now before you spiral down again.”
Sirius jerked up his head, surprised.
Remus always had this uncanny ability to know what he was thinking, to the point where Sirius sometimes wondered if Remus knew Legilimens. He would stop Sirius from going into an emotional breakdown even before Sirius himself realized that he was heading towards that direction. He always knew what to say to make Sirius feel better.
Remus knew him too well.
Shaking his head, Sirius got out of the armchair, flopped down next to Remus, sending the other boy bouncing a little on the sofa, and threw his arm over the back of the cushions, “I know that, thanks to you guys.” He grinned.
Remus was momentarily distracted by Sirius’ closeness, but he carried on with his essay like nothing had happened, his heart thumping loud in his chest.
Sirius was spending a lot more time chatting with Jeanene, Remus noticed. He would spot them sitting together in a secluded corner in the common room, and Jeanene would almost always be the one talking, but Sirius looked fine to just let her do the talking. Every now and then he would throw in something that made the both of them laugh, or just simply nodded. Every time Remus looked, Sirius’ attention was solely on Jeanene.
He should feel happy for Padfoot, really. If there was anyone deserved to be cared for and loved, it was definitely Padfoot. Remus should be glad that Sirius found someone he could be comfortable talking to.
But the truth was, he wasn’t.
That nagging feeling came back again one day when Remus saw them chatting animatedly together again. Jeanene was showing Sirius some books she had read and leaning a little bit too close to him than necessary, and for a disconcerting moment, Remus wished he was the one leaning into Sirius.
Realization hit Remus like a brick, and that thought after Jeanene had asked Sirius to go to Hogsmeade with her came hurtling back to him in full force.
I fancy Sirius.
Remus stood frozen near the portrait hole as the revelation washed over him, turning that nagging feeling into panic and despair.
He couldn’t fall for Sirius. Not because of Sirius’ sexuality – the Marauders had known for quite a while that both him and Sirius were bi – but because they were best friends, and their friendship meant so much to Remus that he wouldn’t want to jeopardize it in any way.
“Remus? Moony?”
He whirled around, and saw James’ and Peter’s worried eyes on him. Behind them trailed their respective girlfriends and the Gryffindor Quidditch team.
He was blocking the entrance to the common room.
Remus grimaced, a light blush spread across his cheeks as he moved out of the way. The Quidditch team members scattered around, and Lily dragged Mary Macdonald towards the chessboard, leaving James and Peter with Remus, the two of them still staring at him with concerned looks on their faces.
“You alright, Moony?”
Remus swallowed, “yeah. Yeah of course.” He decided to change the subject, “how’s practice?”
“Same as usual.” James shrugged. He looked sceptically at Remus at the sharp change of subject but decided not to mention anything.
Remus nodded. The common room was getting stiflingly hot all of a sudden, and he desperately needed to get the hell out of there.
“Um, I, uh, I need to go to the library. So, see you at dinner?”
James and Peter nodded wordlessly, and watched as Remus practically fled the common room. They looked at each other, then across the room to where Sirius was still talking to Jeanene.
“Do you think they got into a row?” Peter asked uncertainly.
“I honestly have no idea, mate.” James shook his head, sighed, and went up to the dormitory to change out of his Quidditch gear.
Remus tried his best to act normal when Sirius was around, which, thankfully, wasn’t very often these days, since he spent a lot of time with Jeanene. Remus didn’t know how to feel about that anymore. They weren’t shagging, which was abnormal for Sirius; it’s a sign that he was probably taking this seriously, and that just made Remus feel even worse. For the first time in his life, jealousy flared in his chest like fire. He wanted nothing more than to get Jeanene out of the picture.
Christmas came around the corner sooner than any of them had realized. James received a letter saying that his family were going to France for the holidays, and they had asked for Sirius to join them; Peter also had a letter from home urging him to go back as soon as the hols began so that “we can start cleaning the house together because your gran insisted we wait for you”, to which Peter had accepted with a groan.
Remus, sadly, couldn’t go anywhere. The full moon fell on Christmas day that year and, although Lyall and Hope had stated that they didn’t care, Remus didn’t want to burden them with transforming in the basement on such a festive day. His friends had all looked apologetic when he told them about his decisions after the full moon in November, and he had comforted them, even though he knew it was going to be unbearable without his friends by his side when his wolf side took over.
The day before the holidays, however, saw Sirius sprayed across his bed, lazily flicking through a Quidditch magazine, his stuff lying around the room. Remus gaped when he stepped into their dorm that afternoon.
“Oh there you are.” Sirius greeted cheerfully, “I was starting to wonder if you’d decided to go back home for the hols after all.”
Sirius didn’t look like he had any intention of packing, and naturally, Remus started to worry for him.
“The train left first thing in the morning, Pads, don’t you think you’re cutting it a bit too close?” Remus stooped down to pick up two of Sirius’ shirts lying by the door.
“No,” Sirius turned a page of the magazine, “I don’t think I’m cutting anything close to anything.”
“Then I’m afraid you’re going to miss the holiday trip with the Potters. And I won’t sneak into Hogsmeade with you just so you could Apparate straight there without taking the train ride again.”
“That was one time, Moony.” Sirius put down the magazine and smirked at Remus, who was still standing by the door, “plus, did I say anything about going?”
“You – what?”
Sirius sat up, “did you honestly think I’m going to leave you alone on the Christmas full moon?”
“But –”
“I told James I’m gonna stay here for the hols. It’s his family trip, after all, and I don’t want to intrude, no matter how much like family the Potters are to me.” Sirius got off the bed, and stood with his hands in his jeans pocket, “so I’m staying. You need some company on the full moon, Remus.”
Remus was at a loss for words. Sirius was too good, it would only make it so much harder for Remus to get over him.
The full moon was nothing out of the ordinary. Without the stag and the rat constantly trying to butt in and stop them from doing something stupid and hurting themselves, the two canines were free to roam around the Forbidden Forest and roll on the forest floor playfully all night. As the moon went down and the transformation back to human began, Sirius dutifully lay at the foot of the bed in the Shack as Padfoot, tucking his head under his paws because Remus had said that he didn’t want Sirius to watch. When the screams and the crackling of bones came, however, Padfoot couldn’t help but leapt up, and whined softly but sadly when he saw Moony, halfway through the transformation, with his own claws wrapped around his shoulders, digging into the skin, drawing long gashes of blood.
Padfoot stood frozen. Remus had always told them to wait outside the Shack when the transformations took place, because the scenes would be too gruesome to watch. They had argued, of course, but Remus was adamant about it. So every month him, James, and Peter would wait outside in the tunnel in their Animagi forms, and then went back into the room again when the screaming stopped. This was the first time Sirius had witnessed Remus’s transformation, and he felt his heart tightened as Remus, now fully human again, slumped down onto the cement floor into his own pool of blood.
Sirius transfigured back to his human form, and was by Remus’s side in a heartbeat. He took out his wand and, in silence, began the long process of healing the bigger, angrier scars on Remus’s shoulders and back. After the worst gashes were treated, Sirius pulled the blanket from the bed and gently wrapped it around Remus’s body. The werewolf stirred, and mumbled a thank you before sinking into the blanket for warmth.
Remus looked tired and fragile, so Sirius cast a warming spell around him and lay down next to him instead of moving him to the bed. He felt Remus snuggled closer, and without thinking, he wrapped his arm around the skinny body.
Remus froze. As tired and groggy as he was, Sirius’ touch still managed to send goosebumps down his torso. He was suddenly acutely aware that he was very much naked, and Sirius’ arm around his midriff was like fire and electricity all at once, licking the side of his body and sending waves of heat down to his groin.
He then remembered what Sirius said about how he didn’t feel electricity going through him when he was with Jeanene, and Remus couldn’t help but wonder if Sirius felt the electricity he was feeling from their touch.
Remus knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep with Sirius this close to him, so he nudged him, and Sirius, who was dozing off, jerked awake at once.
“Did I hurt you?”
Remus blinked in surprise. Normally it was him asking the question, not the other way around.
“No, you didn’t.” Remus tucked at the blanket, “but Madam Pomfrey will be here any minute.”
Sirius’ arm retreated back to his side, and his rubbed his eyes, “oh, so you’re kicking me out of bed because you don’t want her to know that we slept together.”
The playful and joking tone did nothing to calm Remus’s nerves. It wasn’t like they never flirted with each other before; in fact, they flirted so often that James once asked them whether they were together
Right this moment, however, Remus’s brains short-circuited.
“First of all, this is hardly a bed; second of all, we didn’t sleep together.” Remus rolled his eyes.
If Sirius noticed how unnatural his facial expressions were, he didn’t mention it. He laughed, patted Remus lightly on the shoulder, and got up from the floor.
“It’s still quite early, I reckon,” Sirius said, “try and get some sleep before Pomfrey comes, yeah?”
Remus smiled, and nodded.
To say that Sirius was scared was the biggest understatement of the year.
He got back to the common room with his head full of question marks, and as he looked around the empty common room, he was at a loss of what to do.
The truth was, he had felt the electricity when he wrapped his arm around Remus. He did it as a completely friendly gesture, but as skin made contact with skin, the sensation was so strong that Sirius nearly yanked his arm away in alarm.
And the fact that, for once, Remus didn’t flirt back.
It was all very unsettling and Sirius was dying to talk to someone about it. If only James was here…
And Sirius was suddenly reminded of that one time James questioned him and Moony, asking if they were dating. Both of them had laughed so hard that they ended up in a heap on the floor in their dorm. They were so sure that nothing romantic would come out of any two of the Marauders because “that would mess up our dynamics, James!”. They would be each other’s best friends, but nothing more.
Right now, however, Sirius wasn’t so sure.
He had always liked Remus, but that was a given since a friendship had to be built on some level of affection. They joked, they laughed, they flirted, but that was it, because both of them had an unspoken agreement that they wouldn’t cross that invisible line.
To Sirius, this topic was off limits because he knew from experience what it was like to date a friend only to have both friendly and romantic relationships fall apart. He had sulked for months after the breakup with Benjy Fenwick during their fourth year, and had since vowed never to fall for a close friend. And Remus…Remus was just too dear for him to lose to a failed relationship.
He could always put his affection towards Remus down as platonic, that it was nothing more than friendly, even brotherly love; but not now when he was confronted by a huge wave of emotion and doubt. Not now when he realised that what he felt for Remus hadn’t been platonic at all.
Sirius slumped down onto the sofa by the fire with a sigh, and dragged his hand over his face. For once in his life he was at a loss as to how to deal with this.
One reason why he was spending so much time with Jeanene lately was because he had wanted to avoid spending time with Remus. He didn’t want to be around the one person he wanted to but couldn’t be with. He knew he’d crack if Remus was constantly by his side – his self-control could only last so long.
Groaning, Sirius rolled onto his side and forced himself to catch some sleep before going down for lunch.
Sirius had never been good at dealing with tension of any kind, especially tension with his close friends; he would rather avoid than confront – a tactic that the other three Marauders found rather uncharacteristic, since Sirius was a person that would make his emotions known, that, if he was angry, he would usually choose to handle the situation. With uneasiness, however, Sirius would do all he could to distract himself from it.
Luckily for Sirius, the NEWTs were around the corner, so he didn’t need to actually find a deserted room to lock himself away from the stiffness in his friendship with Remus. The two of them hadn’t even seen each other much since Christmas, what with Remus heading to the library at insanely early hours and Sirius returning to their dormitory after everyone else had fallen asleep. Of course, being Sirius, he wouldn’t be spending all of his time studying, what with the exams positioned near the end of May and now, it was only mid-January. Without his partners in crime, all of whom had decided to catch up on their studies, Sirius was resorted to spending time wandering around Hogwarts with the Marauder’s Map and trying to find Slytherins to hex.
“There’s plenty of time, Prongs.”
One morning found Sirius trying to persuade a very reluctant James to accompany him to Hogsmeade that afternoon. He sprawled himself across James’s bed, and looked up at James, who was changing at the foot of his bed, with his perfected puppy dog eyes. Peter, being his typical snoring self, was blissfully delirious in his own bed, drooling all over his pillow. Remus, as per usual these days, had disappeared to the library.
“I promise Lily and Remus I’d go over that Transfiguration essay with them.” James said, a hint of apology in his tone. He buttoned up his shirt and threw his sweater vest on, before grabbing his cloak and his backpack. “Go with Jeanene, I’m sure she would be more than happy to do so.”
Sirius’s face fell so fast that James, who was already halfway out the door, halted in his tracks.
“You okay, Pads?”
Realising that his self-control slipped, Sirius quickly schooled his face into a neutral expression.
“Yeah,” he plastered on a smile, knowing it didn’t reach his eyes, “yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
James glared at his disapprovingly, “we’re brothers, Sirius, you don’t need to put up a façade in front of me. Plus, what makes you think that, after nearly seven years of living together, I wouldn’t be able to tell from your face?”
It was a staring contest that Sirius knew he wouldn’t win, but he was nothing if not competitive. He held James’s scrutiny for longer than he thought possible under these circumstances, and only backed down when James sighed heavily.
“Spit it out, Padfoot.” James threw his backpack down on his bed exasperatedly before flopping down onto the mattress himself.
If Sirius was taken aback by this, he didn’t show.
“I didn’t say anything.”
“You don’t need to, idiot, I’ve told you, I’ve known you for more than seven years.”
Sirius huffed, and rolled over onto his back, pillowing his head with his arms, “you know me too well, Prongs.”
James didn’t say anything, giving Sirius time to choose his words.
“We’re not…on speaking terms anymore, Jeanene and I.” He began.
They had drifted apart ever since the seventh-years began their NEWT review sessions after Christmas break. Jeanene was annoyed and disappointed that Sirius couldn’t – or wouldn’t – find the time to spare for her, and had since been steadily ignoring him. Sirius would say he was saddened by this, but the truth was, he really couldn’t care less.
He used to love chatting with Jeanene. She was funny and eccentric, and had some of the most interesting stories that Sirius had ever heard, and that was saying something. But as of lately, their conversations had become mostly one-sided, with Jeanene chattering away, bouncing from one topic to another with little consistency, and Sirius drifting off completely, his mind on that one full moon when he had felt, for the first time since his breakup, that rush of adrenaline and that urge to kiss someone.
So when James stared at him with a pitying look on his face after he finished telling him the whole thing, he waved it off immediately, “don’t,” he rolled his eyes, “I’m not sad or sorry about it, so don’t feel sorry for me.”
James closed his half-opened mouth, an indication for Sirius to carry on.
“And speaking of ignoring one another, I don’t think Moony and I are at the best of terms now either.”
Sirius had to inwardly applaud himself for keeping his voice so steady when his emotions were threatening to overwhelm him like a tidal wave.
He had noticed that, after the Christmas full moon. Well, he was actively avoiding Remus at that point, so he couldn’t really blame Moony for it. But the fact that Moony didn’t come to him and ask him what was wrong like he always did hurt more than he thought it would.
“No wonder the atmosphere is weird between you two.” James commented, sitting up so that he could look at Sirius, “and that explains why you wouldn’t be in the same room together.”
James had found it very odd that, at the dinner the night the students came back from the holidays, Remus and Sirius weren’t sitting together. In fact, Remus didn’t show up for dinner at all; and when James asked, Sirius had absent-mindedly waved the question away with a light “he’s probably studying”.
“What happened during the holiday?” James inquired, staring hard at Sirius, “did something happen at the full moon?”
“No! Nothing like that! It was just –”
Sirius had no idea how to talk to James about this, about the fluttering in his gut, the electricity, the desire to kiss one of his best friend. The feelings weren’t alien to him, but he was horrified with them.
The situation was even worse than the one with Benjy. Yes Sirius had been friends with Benjy before they dated, but they weren’t as close as Sirius was with Remus, and they never shared a connection that Sirius did with Remus. And Sirius was scared that, if things didn’t work out between Moony and him, it would backfire and destroy everything.
And he simply couldn’t risk it.
“Just what? Pads?”
Sirius turned to look at James, and James was shocked to see the vulnerability in Sirius’s eyes.
“I kind of…avoided Remus…after that moon.”
James’s eyebrows went straight to his hairline, and his eyes were wide with both worry and annoyance when he asked, “why would you do that?”
Sirius dragged his hand down his face, “I didn’t know how to face him. You know how I’m like with tension.”
“What tension?”
And so Sirius told James everything during the full moon, down to their touch and his inner turmoil. When he had finished, James’s expressions were somewhat between excited and exasperated.
“That was why you avoided Moony?” He threw his arms up and huffed, “you’re a fucking idiot, mate.”
Sirius didn’t even mock offended, and that alone told James just how distraught he was.
“Just talk to Moony, Pads, okay?”
“That’s precisely why I couldn’t be in the same room with him, James!” Sirius shouted, and Peter, who had been peacefully slumbering in his four-poster, grunted and stirred.
“Wassgoingon?” Peter mumbled sleepily.
“Nothing, Wormtail, go back to sleep.” Sirius snapped, suddenly moody.
“Actually, no.” James hopped down his bed and made his way towards Peter’s, dragging the latter up, “Peter, get up.”
Bleary eyed, Peter sat up, “what?”
“Sirius has a situation that he doesn’t know how to deal with, so let’s hear your input.” James slung an arm around Peter’s shoulder and sat down next to him.
Peter grunted again in agreement, “what situation that even the great Sirius Black couldn’t handle?”
James barely managed to hold back a grin, “a romantic situation.”
Sirius scowled from James’s bed, but didn’t say anything, so James continued, “apparently, Sirius has a thing for Remus.”
That woke Peter up like a bucket of cold water.
“Are you serious – you know what, don’t answer that.” Peter added hastily, when Sirius sat up and opened his mouth.
“Puns aside, yes, he’s serious.” James laughed, but sobered up at once when he caught sight of Sirius’s face. Sighing, he relayed what Sirius had told him to Peter.
“Talk to Moony! Merlin, Sirius.” Peter exclaimed when James finished, “shunning someone is not a good way to deal with whatever’s between you, just tell him.”
James made a face that said I told you so to Sirius, who grabbed a pillow and hurled it straight into his face.
“But that’s the point,” Sirius muttered, looking down at his lap again, “I can’t.”
All of them were there when Benjy broke up with Sirius, and that wasn’t a beautiful scene; in fact, that was one of the worst things James and Peter had had to witness in their seventeen years of life. But the situation was different now, and Remus wasn’t Benjy.
“He’s one of your best friends, Sirius, he’s not gonna hate you or throw drinks in your face.” Peter winced at the memory of Sirius receiving a face full of firewhiskey from a very infuriated Benjy.
“You’re right, he’s my best friend,” Sirius looked up at the both of them, anxiety and dejection pooling in his stormy grey eyes, “which is exactly why I can’t tell him. It’d ruin our friendship and everything we share! I just can’t – I don’t want to risk it. I can live with what we have right now, and it’s perfectly fine. I’d rather be his friend for as long as I live than to be his boyfriend for perhaps two months and…and watch everything fall apart. I can’t have that; do you guys get it?” Sirius looked imploringly into James and Peter’s faces, “Remus deserves better than a failed friendship-turned-relationship; he’s too good for me. Plus, I don’t even know if he likes me or not and –”
“You’re rambling, you know?” Came a steady voice from the doorway, and Sirius froze mid-sentence, “and honestly, Padfoot, your faith in me is just tremendous, I’m touched.”
Remus stepped into the room and strode across to his bed, throwing his backpack down at the foot of it. Meanwhile Sirius was glaring daggers at Peter and James, both of whom obviously knew Remus was listening at the door, but neither had bothered to tell him.
James cleared his throat, “we’ll leave you to it then.”
His voice sounded nervous, but there was, nonetheless, a hint of a smile in there. Wordlessly, James and Peter left the room after flashing a small smile at Remus, who smiled wearily back.
The air in the dormitory suddenly became so stifling that Sirius felt out of breath. Across the room, Remus was steadfastly picking his textbooks, his parchments, and his quills and ink bottle out of his bag one by one, his back facing Sirius.
The atmosphere was becoming so uncomfortable that Sirius was forced to break the silence for fear of losing his sanity.
“So…how long were you by the door?”
The rustling didn’t stop, and Sirius, despite himself, wondered just how many things Remus had to take out from his bag.
“Long enough.”
Silence fell over them again like a thick blanket. Remus still didn’t turn back to face Sirius. As a matter of fact, if Sirius were by his side at that moment, he would know how red Remus’s face was, how loud his heart was pounding against his chest, and how shaky his fingers were when he was fumbling blindly around his bag. Remus couldn’t face Sirius. Not yet.
Ever since Christmas, Remus could hardly fail to notice that Sirius had grown distant. He didn’t know if it was because of something he had done or said, and he had wanted to ask, but NEWTs were starting to catch up with them and Lily had asked him to study with her every morning when the library was mostly deserted, and when he got back to the common room afterwards, Sirius was nowhere to be seen. The avoidance hurt more than he cared to admit, but he had accepted that Sirius didn’t want to be in the same room as him.
After all, Sirius deserved someone so much better. He was a vibrant young soul, and deep down underneath his flippant pretence was a caring, loyal person. He deserved someone whole and healthy, not a monster with scars all over his body and a condition that would endanger everyone around him once a month.
He had learned to swallow the bile and tried to focus on his studies instead, throwing himself into books and assignments in the hopes that working would get his mind off Sirius and his detachment.
Of course, Lily, being her usual observant self, noticed. She had cornered him one day after their study sessions and practically interrogated him, and he had told her. Remus could still remember that look of sympathy on her face, and how he had hated seeing it. Insensibly, he had snapped at her to stop feeling pity for him, and Lily had apologized, and Remus had regretted having snapped at her almost immediately.
The topic was never brought up again between the two of them, even though Remus knew Lily had wanted to talk to him about it multiple times.
Cutting back to the dormitory, where Sirius still sat frozen and unsure of what to do or say on James’s bed, and where Remus was still trying to calm his rapidly beating heart.
That day had started normally enough for Remus. He had expected to be greeted by an empty library that morning, but Lily surprised him by sitting in their usual spot.
“I thought you’re going to Hogsmeade with James.” Remus had said in lieu of greetings.
“Nah he’s coming to study on that Transfiguration paper with us.”
“I didn’t know I’d be third-wheeling today.” Remus had huffed with a smile, and dropped into the seat next to hers.
They did their studying while waiting for Prongs. When minutes dragged into hours and still there was no Prongs, both of them had stopped expecting him. In the end, they finished the essays by themselves before heading back to the common room.
The door to their dormitory was ajar and there were voices coming from inside, which wasn’t unusual on its own. What made Remus stopped in his tracks was the unmistakable voice of Sirius.
They hadn’t been in the same room for so long now, at least not consciously, that Remus was getting a little apprehensive. Against his better judgements, he leant closer to the door.
Peter was telling Sirius to “talk to Moony! Merlin, Sirius”, and that there was no use avoiding someone if he wanted to deal with whatever was between them.
Curiosity had gotten the better of him, and instead of announcing his presence, Remus had eavesdropped. Prongs and Wormtail had looked up when they noticed movements at the door, and the three of them had made brief eye contact before the two on the bed had, without a word, returned their gazes to Sirius, who was starting to ramble. Remus had listened, and what he had heard set his heart speeding.
He had taught himself not to hope, because keeping his hopes up would only result in heartbreak, which was so much worse than bottling his feelings up. He had doubted that Sirius had found out about his crush, and maybe that was why Sirius had put some distance between them. Apparently, he was so wrong.
Remus was ready for rejection, for shouts and angry words and the inevitable end of their friendship. What he wasn’t ready for, was hearing Sirius pouring his heart out confessing.
“Moony –”
“Look, Padfoot –”
The two of them opened their mouths at the same time, and both, despite themselves, chuckled.
“Go ahead.” Remus finally turned around to face Sirius, and, as it had been since their fourth year, the sight of Padfoot with his hair falling in his eyes knocked the air out of his lungs.
Sirius looked down at his hands in his lap and bit his lip, seemingly mulling over his words, before he took a deep breath and looked back up, levelling his eyes with Remus’s honey amber ones.
“I fancy you.”
Hearing those three little words directed at himself was, to Remus’s astonishment, so much different and sounded ten times better than his imagination.
“I fancy you, Remus, and I’m not just saying that as a prank or something.” Sirius took a deep breath and hopped off the foot of the bed, “I was going to keep this to myself because I really don’t want to sabotage our friendship, but apparently things are not working in my favours.”
He let out a small laugh, but Remus saw the nervousness lying beneath it. He was about to say something when Sirius opened his mouth again.
“Look – I understand if you don’t feel the same way,” Sirius was standing at the foot of James’s bed, not daring to take one step closer to Remus, “hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t want to be friends with me anymore, Moony, but –”
Remus strode across the room in two large steps, and whatever Sirius was trying to get out of his system was interrupted by Moony’s mouth crashing onto his.
For a split second Remus chided himself for his impulsive actions, but he threw those thoughts out the window when he thought back to how Sirius had confessed his feelings to him. He had hardly ever allowed himself to think about the possibility that Sirius liked him, let alone actually hearing the words from him. And the fact that Sirius thought he would unfriend him because of it broke Remus’s heart.
Kissing Sirius was like breathing. It felt so natural and normal that Remus felt like he could do this all day. After all the dread and the longing, the feel of Sirius’s lips on his was so surreal that Remus was lost in paradise – until he noticed Sirius was frozen solid.
Remus panicked, suddenly unsure of himself and the whole situation. What if Sirius didn’t want to be kissed? Fancying someone didn’t necessarily mean wanting physical contact of any kind. Even though Sirius was a tactile person in friendly relationships, it didn’t mean he was the same in romantic circumstances.
Slowly, Remus began to pull away, an apology forming at the tip of his tongue. Before he could detach his lips from Sirius’s, however, Sirius’s arm wounded around his neck, effectively stopping him from backing away and breaking the kiss.
Remus was confused, but only for a second, because then Sirius was returning the kiss, and Merlin it felt even better. His mind went blank as Sirius’s lips moved urgently against his own. The reality of the kiss made those in his dreams seem lame and lazy. As Sirius’s arm tightened around his shoulders, Remus responded in kind by wrapping an arm around his waist and carding the other hand through his long hair, and by the soft whimpering sound that Sirius made, he was doing something right. The kiss was like melted chocolate, only sweeter and richer, and it made Remus crave more. Subconsciously, he pressed Sirius against the bed post, leaving no space between their clothed bodies.
For Sirius, he was so shocked when Remus slanted his mouth against his. Even now, as their bodies were practically pressed into each other, he was still wondering whether he had dropped into a dream all of a sudden. This couldn’t be happening. This was too good to be true. Remus was kissing him. It took him a long while to respond, but he eventually returned the kiss with just as much fervour as Remus did, because he couldn’t possibly lead Remus down the wrong train of thoughts. Plus, he had wanted this.
Sirius had imagined what it would be like to kiss Remus before, but nothing even came close to this. The feel of Remus’s hand at the back of his head, his fingers carding through his long hair; the feel of Remus’s lips against his, gentle yet hungry for more; the feel of Remus’s body flush against his, scars and muscles moulding into that perfect frame. And when he bit down onto the other boy’s lower lip, the muffled groan sounded so unrealistically amazing that Sirius could only pull Remus closer. One of Remus’s hands went down to dig into Sirius’s hipbone, while the other found its way to the small of Sirius’s back underneath the shirt. This was unreal, and Sirius felt like he could combust with happiness.
They pulled away from each other only because both were out of breath, but they didn’t give up other forms of physical contact. Panting, they rested their foreheads against each other, their arms still around each other.
“Did that increase your faith in me at least a little, Pads?”
Sirius, with his eyes closed, heard the undisguised mirth in Remus’s voice. Chuckling, Sirius leant forward to capture Remus’s lips again. The second kiss was softer than the first, and less urgent. If the first kiss was like sparks and fireworks, this one was the languid dance underneath the firework-lit night sky. It was sensual and lingering, almost reverent, as Sirius lowered his lips to kiss Remus’s jawline, and from there, trailed kisses to his pulse point. It wasn’t a hurried kiss, but it was no less affectionate.
In the silence broken only occasionally by their soft moans and the sound of their lips chasing after each other, Sirius realized that everything had changed, but at the same time, nothing had changed. They were still Moony and Padfoot, and they were still friends. And for some unknown reasons, Sirius had a strong feeling that this connection between Moony and him would never go away.
He broke the kiss, and smiled against Remus’s lips.
“This,” he murmured, “is what you call a confidence booster, Moony.”
Remus rolled his eyes, but a corner of his lip was tucked upwards. He pressed a tender kiss on Sirius’s forehead, “look who’s talking, Mr. I-Don’t-Even-Know-If-He-Likes-Me-Or-Not.”
Sirius let out an indignant grunt, and jokingly pushed Remus away, his grin clear on his face.
They would be alright. He knew they would.
Downstairs in the common room, James and Peter were sitting in the sofa near the fire, idly playing a game of Gobstones. As the last of James’s Gobstones was captured by Peter, and the latter’s stone squirted the nasty fluid all over James’s face for the umpteenth time during that game, Peter looked up from the board towards the stairs to the boys’ dormitory.
“What do you think they’re doing right now?”
James, who was annoying cleaning his face and his glasses and grimacing at the putrid smell, replied, “what d’you think? They’re either shagging or yelling.”
Peter made a face.
“Either way, you wouldn’t want to go barging in now.” James finished while putting back his clean glasses on. Out of habit, he ran his fingers through his hair, only to have his hand covered in Gobstones juice.
Among the string of curses that James was yelling was Peter’s high-pitched laughter. James shot him a death glare, but for once, Peter didn’t retreat.
“Now you have to go back, Prongs,” he said, the laughter still apparent in his tone, “you’re gonna smell so bad for the rest of the day if you don’t shower now.”
James groaned. With a wave of his wand, he summoned some of his clean clothes and headed towards the portrait hole.
“I’d rather take the long way to the Prefect’s bathroom now.”
And as he climbed out of the entrance to their common with an irritated huff, Peter sniggered.