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As soon as he saw the envelope, he knew, his name elegantly printed upon it as though it was not his death sentence, but his mind seemed to know this anyway. The weight of dread made his arms stiff as he brushed his fingers across it ever so gently, as though it’s contents weren’t life-ruining. They were, to him anyway- no, to them.
Bucky never wanted this, he had seen enough pain in his life to know what wasn’t for him, losing his father to an accident in an army training camp, with both of Steve’s being killed due to the consequences war could bring. He didn’t want to see anyone else get hurt, or ever hurt anyone himself. He briefly imagined being the man responsible for orphaning a child, taking away their parents’ lives as though they were of no importance. The idea brought him more pain in a single instance, for he had already witnessed the empty, hopeless eyes of Steve after finding out his father was killed during combat, he had experienced the pain himself. Bucky never wanted to be that man that had brought so much anguish into someone else’s life, especially someone like Steve.
Steve.
Bucky wanted to tell him, but when? How? Steve was all he had, when he was left with nothing, he had Steve. He knew that if Steve found out, he would try and enlist for the army himself, again, and wouldn’t stop until someone was dumb enough to allow him in. Bucky knew all of this, the man could predict Steve’s reactions so well, he might as well just tell Steve how to react to a situation, he would be right anyway. Steve would do anything for Bucky, and vice-versa.
Hell, if a grenade fell at Steve Roger’s feet, Bucky would be the one to jump on it. Although, Steve would probably try to jump on it by himself, before Bucky even got the chance./p>
Bucky had lost himself in a tangent of blood, anguish and fear, too busy concerned about how this would affect Steve to even think about the dangers it would pose to himself.
“Buck?”
The voice had halted Bucky’s thoughts of a far off land filled with loss and despair. The gentle, soothing tone of the voice was enough to make the blood run cold in his veins, it alone was not suited to violent and dreaded thoughts that kept appearing in Bucky’s mind, it was too pure, too innocent.
As Bucky went to swipe the letter out of sight, he knew he was too late, the careless grin perched on the petite figure in front of him vanished in a shadow of panic, so much so that Bucky could not remember the sight of it in the first place.
Steve’s face had whitened, the red to his cheeks so suddenly pale, Bucky became afraid he might be sick. His eyes were stuck on Bucky’s fingers, clenched tightly onto the letter, as in hope it would just disappear. Bucky could not meet his eyes, for he knew they would hold the same look of desperation that had been present after he had been orphaned, Bucky didn’t want to be the cause of any of Steve’s pain.
“Bucky...” Steve all but whimpered, mouthing words endlessly, but failing to have the willpower to give them sound, as though the unspoken words were the ones that hurt him most. Steve abruptly looked him in the eyes, a clear determination present in his own. “Not you.”
Bucky turned away from Steve’s scrutinising glare, the one searching his face in a hope of the truth being hidden there, as though it would become apparent from a freckle on his nose. Bucky almost had to bite back a grin at his boyfriend’s willpower to break him.
“Steve, it’s fine, the war will probably be over by the time I get over there, it won’t affect us,” Bucky spoke this calmly, taking a hand clutching the letter to hold Steve’s own firmly, as though every word reaching Steve’s ears wasn’t a blatant lie. Bucky has to convince him. “I’ll be fine, you’ll be fine, this war is going to end at some point, you really think I’m going to let you become a grumpy old man without me? We’re going to be that retired couple that sit watching sunsets on our rocking chairs, holding hands and petting our ten cats.”
“I’m allergic to cats, you punk” Steve said, a glimmer of a smile present on his lips, Bucky enclosed him gently, a genuine laugh rumbling out of is lips.
“I know, that’s the point, I’m secretly trying to scare you off.” Bucky joked, but this time it was Steve who couldn’t look up, his eyes fixed on Bucky’s feet as though by staring at them, he could will them not to leave.
Bucky sighed, it was all the unspoken words between them that hurt the most, the ‘goodbyes’ and the ‘stay safe’ that would have been whispered intimately, but had to remain hidden, when it was time for Bucky to leave.
Steve was determined, he could hide this from Bucky, he’d learned how over time, he was scared, but willing, Bucky would never be alone in his pain, that was Steve’s job.
With a kiss that mirrored their heartbreak, and the breaking of their lips feeling final, Bucky turned to leave, shooting a small smile over his shoulder, calling a quick reminder that they had a double “date” later, although Steve knew this was just their cover.
Steve watched his retreating figure for a minute, knowing he would miss the way those muscles moved as Bucky walked away, because good Lord, did he look good. Steve broke himself out of his attraction, turning and grabbing his coat, the Enlistment Office in Paramus might still be open if he was quick, it didn’t close until late.
Steve glanced up at a photo of him and Bucky with their arms around each other, smiling brightly at the camera. He hummed quietly to himself, and repeated the phrase that Bucky had claimed as their own version of ‘I love you.’
“I’m with you till the end of the line.”