Chapter Text
This Kind of Life
Chapter 1: Horror Vacui
Pairing: None, just BooSeokSoon being adorable together
AU: Highschool AU!
“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
There’s a problem with modern life. You know, the fact that if you don’t fill your life with “interesting” activities to “enrich” your experience, then you are going through it unfulfilled. You have to check a certain list of travel hours, festival hours and humanity service hours for your life to be worth anything. Expectations run high, aspirations even higher, and resentment burns deep. Much like overbearing expectations, there’s also an underlying scorn for innocence. Being sharp, sarcastic and, for lack of a better word, pessimistic, is the right way to face the world: happiness is fleeting, success an illusion and love just a passing stage. For how much we have, it seems that being positive and understanding carries just not of enough worth.
And even so, being positive was something inherent to Lee Seokmin’s whole world view. Wether he faced adversity and had to find a solution to his problems, confronting challenges head on, or he was rewarded with good times, when he could be grateful for everything life had given him, he always could find something positive, something he could find joy in. That didn’t mean he was an airhead or particularly naive, thought: he could see evil, he didn’t shy away of conflict and usually had to put his foot down when required, yet he knew that those moments of harsh truths and divided opinions were just situations he had to overcome to see the bigger, brighter picture. Hard work and a positive outlook on live were his tools of survival, and but also his tools on understanding other people and building relationships. His parents raised him to be open minded and kind to all.
But that made him highly susceptible.
And he never noticed till it was too late.
At first it was his parents views. Be respectful. Always listen to your elders. Be kind to others. Be happy and grateful. And so he did. He held perfect attendance, participated in extracurricular activities that didn’t demand much time out of his academical requirements, never confronted a teacher and was nice and polite enough to most of his peers - because to some, he was a friend, of course. That meant he was even friendlier and ever politer, never judging without having one or two sides at least to analyze every situation. That all sounds quite amazing, being a little polite boy from the suburbs, but with such upbringing came some nasty negatives. When his tenth grade teacher began treating some of his classmates like trash, he made his very best to understand both sides of the story: the kids were rambicous and annoying, the teacher was strict and stern. That’s how it was. He couldn’t judge. The kids were in the wrong but weren’t evil, and the teacher was too sensitive but was trying to educate them. He tried to defend the man in class, but at the same time, defended his classmates in front of the teacher.
[He didn’t understand why his peers began distancing themselves from him after that.]
[In a way, he still doesn’t.]
Still, he had friends that got along quite well with him, even if they thought his way of understanding the world was odd. Seungkwan, for example, always chastised him when he got too understanding with bullies, and Soonyoung accepted him as he was, always laughing when his thread of thought got far too entangled with itself. They never really talked about complicated stuff, anyways, far too preoccupied with being the healthy, stubborn teenagers they were, running around laughing and tiring themselves out.
His mother, however, as conservative as she was, had some issues with his selection of friends. Seungkwan was too feminine, too delicate and dramatic. He wasn’t a good influence on his masculine, good church boy. She never was mean when referring to him in after meal conversations [She was] and tried to make Seokmin understand that such attitudes just came with hardships in life, so his little boy better not imitate them going forward [because she cared. That’s the only reason she pressed, right?]. Soonyoung on the other hand was a different story. The boy was quite loved by everyone, but his mom always thought the kid was far too carefree. He needed to focus on his studies more [so he didn’t distract his precious sunshine son], needed to have a reality check, and where in the name of everything good were the kid’s parents? That boy needed some common sense!
He understood his mother. He really did. Even if it made him sick in his stomach. But he had to understand her in order to help his friends and his mom understand each other. He had to find common grounds between his family expectations [“But mom! Seungkwan might be feminine, but he likes a lot of boy’s stuff too! Like volleyball!”] and his friends personalities [“Soonyoung, my mom is only worried my grades will drop in I keep hanging out with you after class every day! We can meet on Saturdays, tho…?”] and for the most part he was starting to feel like succeeding.
Well, at least till that late afternoon, one Saturday, watching Naruto on Soonyoung’s bed. Their host was holding the computer over his knees, mouthing along the music and fidgeting with his feet, along every sound. Seungkwan was cuddling a pillow, quite lower and not really paying attention to the episode at ALL, his head on Seokmins ribs and he himself was somewhat uncomfortable, but trying to watch the episode with his head crooked to lean on Soonyoung’s shoulder. If his mother were to see them, she would have thrown a fit [“Boys shouldn’t be so close to each other, Minnie. It’s just weird. You should give them space, you don’t want them to be uncomfortable, do you?”], but his friends loved cuddling and squeezing themselves on the far too narrow bed. He always sat himself on the edge, even if it hurt his back, it gave him more moving space and he wasn’t forced to touch them with his whole body, but never tried to get out of those cuddling sessions either. He knew it was wrong, so he tried to be polite a keep himself away, refusing to feel comfortable even if it was warm, soft and kind of pleasing.
“Naruto soooo wants to bang Sasuke, is almost painful to watch…” complained Soonyoung, groaning while his knees cracked almost painfully, but in the best way.
That was another issue with watching movies or series with his friends. The whole… “shipping” thing. He once made a commentary like that in front of his older cousin about Iron Man and Captain America [courtesy from Seungkwan] and his mom was on his ass the whole weekend after that. He was still at loss on how to find the middle ground in that aspect.
“Well, authors are cowards. They build the romantic tension to this point, but no. You HAVE to be straight and be on incoherent straight relationships because of reasons” spat Seungkwan, squeezing the pillow even harder.
“Well… isn’t that… the norm? I mean… I know there’s those gay people around but…”
Soonyoung snorted.
“‘Those Gay People Around?’ That should be a Youtube Channel…” he mumbled, while on his side, Seungkwan head tensed.
“ Hey! It’s true…!” Seokmin protested, trying to keep it lighthearted.
“I can’t count with my hands all the ways that’s somewhat offensive, bro” he snorted, balancing the computer with one hand to reposition himself.
The movement made Seungkwan’s head rub against his ribs, almost tickling his belly, and he tried to suppress a nervous giggle. He failed.
“I’m not trying to be offensive though?”
“Yeah, you never are…” mumbled Seungkwan, sitting up and sighing deeply. Soonyoung and him interchanged a look and the older just nudged him with his foot “ugh, gross, don’t touch me with your ugly claws…” he joked.
Seokmin looked between them, trying to understand what was going on, but he couldn’t pin point just what was going on. Had he been really offensive? But how? He was not being derogatory, nor was he being particularly insensitive. He looked at Seungkwan thought, and felt that something was shifting in the air, like the heaviness of something unfamiliar was seeping through the cracks in their relationship. How those cracks got there, he was just realizing he didn’t know.
“Hey, what’s wrong…? Kwannie….?” He asked, careful.
Seungkwan buried his head on the pillow and sighed. By them, Soonyoung closed the computer and held his breath.
“I’m gay”
Seokmin always prided himself on being open minded. He knew people existed that didn’t follow his way of life, but never was mean or disrespectful. He was a great friend and tried to find the common ground between opposites. He absorbed core beliefs and tried so hard to make them marry inside his head, he often suffered from headaches. That week, he had been suffering from one massive head-splitting, throat-clenching, hand-trembling one. After that confession everything went south. While he tried hard to put forward argument about how that wasn’t really good [his mom would have been proud, he bitterly mussed], Seungkwan had gotten more and more restless and angry.
They were childhood friends. BooSeok always together and all that jazz. But that day, Boo and Seok were as far apart as they could have been and it hurt. It hurt that Seungkwan told him that his NARROW way of thinking was the reason he never had told him before. It hurt that Seungkwan didn’t want to hear what he was saying. It hurt that Seungkwan stormed out of the house, eyes moist, and that Soonyoung held him back, telling him he had done enough and that he had to cool of his head first. In the back of his mind, he had never seen Soonyoung quite so serious, but after he walked him to the door, he could have sworn he saw anger and disappointment behind his slanted eyes.
So now he was there, alone after church, trying to find a way to resolve the mess without making things worse, a week after the deed. He wanted to talk to his mom about it, how bad he felt for not being understanding enough, but something in the back of his mind told him that his mom would have been proud of how he told Seungkwan that he was the one who was, ultimately, wrong. And that itself felt even worst. So he did the next best thing and went to his father and tried to explain the story without being too obvious. But he got out just as lost. Even if the man wasn’t as categorical as his mother, he wasn’t understanding; he just told Seokmin his friend lacked a male role in his life - his mother being a single one, and growing up with two sisters - and needed help to get “better” and be “a man”.
In the end, his family was of no help, specially because his mom had grown suspicious since she noticed he wasn’t having out with Soonyoung or Seungkwan those days. She tried to talk with him, but he really didn’t think she would have been supportive or unbiased in his quest for finding the middle ground.
He then realized he wasn’t close to people who could give him the other side, not if they weren’t Soonyoung or Seungkwan. Everyone at school already teased Seungkwan enough about it as it was, and counselors or teachers weren’t really trustworthy enough to confess something so private to. His cousins were “homophobic oafs” according to Soonyoung and anyone at church was just going to be as shitty as his inner core. He was alone, with no one to give him real input about what was going on.
Or, moreover, they already had filled his head with such narrow notions that he had no space for building new ones. He had listened and absorbed everything he had been told his whole life, and it might cost him his two very best friends: Kind, youthful Soonyoung, and warm, loyal Seungkwan.
Then, his mom went into his room.
“Minnie, my love… Soonyoung is at the door”
Seokmin almost jumped out of bed, back straight and eyes blown.
“He is?”
His mom smiled, almost bitter.
“He doesn’t want to come in, but is asking for permission to take you out to get ice cream…” she sighed and sat down besides him “I know I’ve been hard in the past on him and Seungkwan… and I still don’t think they are as good friends as you could have but… you’ve been miserable, love… dad thinks that too…”
Seokmin looked as his mother bewildered. She continued.
“So go, but don’t stay till late. Curfew still stands…” she said, almost teasingly “Talk to them and resolve this your own way, sunshine”
He nodded and jumped out of bed. He kissed his mother cheek and ran down the stairs, tripping on his socks the way down, he struggles with his shoes and went out the door, keys in one hand and wallet in the other.
Soonyoung smiled and shifted on his feet, his ratty shoes doing nothing to support his ankles and waved shyly. He was all in sports clothes, as per usual, and his hair was hidden under a white snap back. Seokmin greeted back and stopped right in front of him.
“Let’s go, I don’t wanna talk in front of your parent’s house…” the older mumbled, jumping into action and going down the street straight to a more commercial area. Seokmin followed suit, keeping himself behind Soonyoung for a while “dude, don’t be like that. Come here. You don’t have to walk behind me like a kicked puppy….”
Seokmin felt the opening to be funny, and took it without hesitation.
“Ahhh~~ halmeonii~~ you don’t have to be so mean~ my old bones don’t work quite as well as they did before” he crooned, and could see Soonyoung smiling in mirth.
“Well, hal-abeojii~ if my even older bones can manage this pace, so can yours~” he joked back, laughing slightly. Sighing contently, Seokmin joined at the front, walking side by side without much hesitation. They reached a street with some stores and an old ice cream parlor. Soonyoung bought two of the cheapest cones [“I’m still a broke teenager, don’t judge me!”] and they went down a little park without much to do, but was empty enough to have a conversation without being heard.
Soonyoung sat down and licked his ice-cream thoughtfully for a few seconds, before starting.
“You know, your problem is that you give every opinion the same value. A shitty opinion and a nice one have the same amount of input in your way of viewing things…”
Seokmin frowned slightly.
“But that’s just basic respect… You have to respect everyone’s opinions and give them a thought so you can understand what’s going on…”
“Yeah but…!” Soonyoung hesitated “I’m not smart enough for this, Seungkwan is the smart one. Fuck… ok. Look. Think about this, this way: there’s two dudes. One who thinks killing puppies is bad and one who thinks killing puppies is ok, no, not even “good”… Just ok. They both have their reasons, actually raised thinking what they believe is right. Would you support the one who is killing those precious baby doggies just because he thinks is the right thing??”
“Dude, that’s an atrocious example” Seokmin laughed slightly, but the sobered up “No, I think I wouldn’t…”
“Well, what about someone who likes chocolate ice cream and vanilla ice cream equally, but someone told that person he just can like chocolate because that’s what he is supposed to do? Or told another dude who only likes vanilla and can’t stand chocolate ice cream he is a monster because of it? And mind you, the one judging here is not a bad person. They pay their taxes, they help when they can, are actually pleasant and don’t abuse their children or whatever. They just have very strong, albeit wrong, opinions. The other two dudes are also good. They are morally, and ethically equals”
“W-well….”
“You get what I’m trying to say right? Your family… hell, most of the people around here to be honest, just have wrong opinions. Being wrong is not inherently bad, but given their wrong opinions, do you really want to given them the same amount of value as the opinion of someone who only wants to live their true self?
“But… Soonyoung, I get what you are trying to say… but… I have to consider the other side too even if they are “wrong” because I don’t get why they are wrong…”
“Because…!” Soonyoung exclaimed, exasperated “because they want to change something that’s not wrong. Seriously you think me or Seungkwan are any less for liking boys???”
“Wh-what?? You too????”
“For the love of…! Yes, Seokmin, I like both. Boys and girls. Now focus or I’m going to stab you with this cookie cone”
“That’s a really awful weapon”
“Dude”
“Sorry, sorry…” Seokmin breathed in, and tried to find the right words. He wanted to express something he himself struggled to even think about “I just… I don’t want to lose either of you. I don’t care about who you like… not really… but I just don’t get… how…?”
“Dude, you think the supermarket Noona is hot and frankly I don’t see how…” Soonyoung joked, laughing openly when Seokmin shoved him “… ok, look, the point is Seungkwan is Seungkwan no matter who he likes. Kwannie is always going to be your best childhood friend. He might want to bang boys, oh! What a big deal. At least he is not getting anyone pregnant any time soon. Count that as a victory!”
Seokmin couldn’t help but to laugh, free of a weight he knew was weighing him down, but wasn’t sure what exactly lifted it off his shoulders.
[Almost ten years later, now sitting on a couch in his shared apartment with Kim Mingyu, he understood what lifted that weight.]
[It was the fact Seungkwan and Soonyoung still cuddle together on the floor bickering, both their heads resting on Seokmin’s legs.]
[His muscles still felt sore afterwards though….]
After making up with Soonyoung, he encouraged him to go straight to Seungkwan on Monday. Even if it was going to be awkward as fuck, according to Soonyoung, is was worth a shot as a first approach. They didn’t share first or second period together, and Seokmin was struggling to keep his cool. He was so nervous. What if he said something highly insensitive again? What if Seungkwan thought it was worthless to even try to make him understand? Every anxious thought was running through his head like Usain Bolt. Just round and around the empty field, leaving behind both his common sense and ability to concentrate on anything.
In the end, he didn’t notice as lunch rolled over and he had made not even one attempt at approaching a very quiet Seungkwan. Soonyoung had a different lunch period that day and usually, it was his and Seungkwan’s time to hang around together, both talking about school and gossiping about anyone in their class. He had to go about this on his own. So he reached the back stairs of the school, next to the bio labs and sat down on the steps, munching his pickled carrots while browsing his phone.
booSEOKsoon
Kwannie U up for lunch?
booSEOKsoon
Ill be at the usual place
He bit his lips, nervous. Should he be more insistent? Or should he wait it out?
booSEOKsoon
Imma going to wait here
booSEOKsoon
Til you come
Nothing. Not even a double ticket that showed him Seungkwan read the texts. So he kept pressing a bit more.
booSEOKsoon
And spam u
booSEOKsoon
Kwannie im going to sing about u
booSEOKsoon
Every1 in school is gonna hear
BOOseokson
OMG Seokmin shut up. Omw.
BOOseoksoon
And that last sentence was atrocious
Seokmin smiled at his phone and giggled, his smile stretching as far as it could. Pickled carrots never tasted better.
Seungkwan came around after a while, his mouth down in a frown and his eyes avoiding any contact with him. Not only his face, his whole body wasn’t being regarded as he stood there, his backpack heavy on his shoulders and his hands on his hoodie pockets.
“Hey…” Seokmin greeted, trying to keep his smile steady “eh… please… take a seat? I want to talk…?”
Seungkwan snorted.
“You could try to sound a bit more confident. It’s actually very sad to hear you hesitate like that…” he sneered, but without any bite behind his words, and collapsed into the steps in front of Seokmin, outside of his immediate reach.
“Look Boo…” Seokmin started, his mouth suddenly dry “I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you… and I didn’t mea to be insensitive… I just… I just panicked?” He frowned at himself for sounding so stupid “Just know that… that I love you the way you are. That hasn’t changed. You are you. You are my best of friends and I didn’t want to hurt you but I was.. I think I tried to put you whole being at the same level with my parents views on… homosexuality? yeah? ehm… well… now I know it’s not right. I can’t judge you for being you, and I love you and I don’t love my parents views on that so that should have made my position very clear earlier but it didn’t and it took Soonyoung threatening to stab me with an ice cream cone to understand that and I’m so sorry I really didn’t think I was such….”
“Seokmin, you are rambling” Seungkwan interrupted, his shoulders trembling slightly and Seokmin’s mouth shut with a loud “clack” of teeth colliding together.
They sat in silence for a while. Seungkwan trembling slightly in front of him and Seokmin was debating himself between going for it and hugging his friend and clinging to the voice in his head that sounded eerily similar to his mom’s telling him “boys don’t hug each other”. So he chose to go against the voice, because following the voice always made him uncomfortable one way or another.
At first Seungkwan stilled in his hold; stiff as a plank and knuckles white while they held the fabric of his jeans in a fist. But then he relaxed and let a soft sniff escape his mouth and snuggled into the heat of Seokmin’s broader frame behind him.
“I… I was so afraid to tell you that…” he mumbled softly “I know how your family is and I really didn’t want to cause you any trouble… Soonyoung tried to push me into coming out to you before but I always told him to never say a thing….”
“How long have you known?” Asked Seokmin equally as soft.
“My whole life? Or something like that. I never told Soonyoung either, he just knew… so do my mom and sisters. It’s just how it is. But you… with your family… and you defending me saying I wasn’t gay… like being it was an insult really… it just hurt. A lot…” he sighed, trying to separate himself from Seokmin “hey, I know you hate skinship. I don’t need a hug THAT badly…”
Seokmin laughed nervously and kept his arms loosely circling Seungkwan, giving him the chance to really shrug him off.
“I don’t. I just followed my mom’s advice… Right now I’m not and it feels great. I want to hug you and tell you how precious you are to me…”
Seungkwan kept silent for a few seconds before snorting.
“No homo?”
Seokmin broke and started laughing so loud that his chest was bumping against Seungkwan’s back. The sorter one laughed along, feeling so relaxed against his friend hold.
And then came the ice cold water over their heads.
And the dolphin-like snickering of Soonyoung’s.
“SOONYOUNG-HYUNG COME BACK HERE!!!!!” shouted Seungkwan jumping up and started to run in the direction of the loud laughs overhead.
Seokmin just kept laughing and checking his phone wasn’t ruined. It wasn’t, but his meal was.
“SOONYOUNG YOU RUINED MY HAIR!!!!!”
Seokmin couldn’t help but laugh again, his head bumping against one of the steps behind him.
The pain just made him laugh harder.