Work Text:
Week 1
Dear Mr. Silver,
I regret to inform you that your request for your pirate erotica novel, Anchor Me Deep, to be showcased in the Nassau Public Library has been declined. Not only does it misrepresent the integrity of our institution, it severely suffers from a lack of close editing and obvious sincerity for the subject matter. As such, do not contact us anymore concerning this topic.
Sincerely,
James Flint McGraw
Library Director
Dear Mr. Flint McGraw,
First of all, sir, it pains me that you think I have no “obvious sincerity” for pirate sex. While there are other things that occupy my affections— Die Hard , John Waters movies, and my motorbike, just to name a few—I take my literary career seriously.
So seriously, in fact, that one day you guys should be so lucky as to have my books on your shelves. Pirate sex’s in vogue, I’m telling you.
G’day,
Silver
Week 2
Dear Mr. Silver,
First of all, it’s at the height of ridiculousness to start an email with ‘first of all’ if you have no other coherent points to follow up with.
Second of all, I am not insinuating that you have no sincerity in your work (if you remember correctly, I said obvious sincerity). Evidently, you harbor some passion for it, if such listing of priorities was warranted. It makes no difference to me; you could treat everything with the same degree of carelessness, for all I know about you.
Third of all, if the day ever comes where we’re lucky to have you, the sanctity of libraries has been destroyed.
Sincerely,
James Flint McGraw
Dear JFM (your name is a mouthful),
Listen, mate. I don’t know if you had a shit day by the time of your last email or if you always sound like a stiff-lipped literature professor who nearly failed me because I wrote that the Green Knight in Sir Gawain and the Green Knight was modeled after a celery.
But at any rate, it’s really rather rude to judge my integrity based on one email. Human beings are more than the erotica they choose to write, Mr. Flint McGraw.
So very sincerely,
Silver
Dear Mr. Silver,
It does come as a surprise to me, now that I have thought it over, that you may have a point. I am not exactly sorry for my poor opinion of you, seeing as you’ve never seemed sincere in your correspondence—and, surprise, I don’t read pirate erotica. Or any erotica, for that matter.
I am curious—how ever did you present your argument for the Green Knight?
More sincerely,
James Flint McGraw
Week 3
Dear JFM
Sincerity comes in many forms, and for me it’s being a wisecrack. But ah, you flirt, you can count on me to prove you wrong ;-)
If you don’t read erotica, then what on Earth do you read? Obviously there’s no other form of literature befitting a librarian.
And well, it’s quite simple really—The Green Knight puts forth a challenge to Sir Gawain (during a Christmas feast, like a proper asshole), who accepts the challenge and beheads him. However, Green Knight just straight up picks up his head, replaces it on his shoulders, and leaves! I argued that he was a celery stalk personified because surviving after a beheading is, unfortunately, not a human ability.
Oh, and he’s literally green. You know, like a fucking vegetable.
Truly sincerely,
Silver
Dear Mr. Silver,
That was, surprisingly, a humorous anecdote. I chuckled.
As for my personal library, I try to read all the classics. I love Milton, Austen, Stevenson, and Dickens, to name just a few. In terms of poetry, I adore Donne, Frost, Miller, Plath, Clifton, and Keats; I’m not generally keen on poetry, but my partners want me to expand my borders, and it’s been good so far. I also tried to get into philosophical texts, but it’s always been too abstract for my liking. If I have to pick a favorite book, it’d be a tie between Don Quixote and Meditations .
You? Since you’re so apparently invested in medieval literature, I can’t imagine cringe-inducing erotica is the only thing you can read.
JFM (it saves time)
Dear JFM (so glad you’re adopting that!),
Wow, a chuckle? What an honor! Time to hit the comedy clubs now.
Look at you with your distinguished library. I know you kid, but honestly, I haven’t had much time to read recently. I’ve read a few things from the writers you’ve mentioned; Don Quixote was unexpectedly fun. I can’t stand Dickens and Stevenson, but that’s just my preference. And can you believe I lived this long, walking the world blind of Jane Austen? I might give that girl a go.
Poetry and I don’t mix well either, although my friend Jack is a poet and his work isn’t half bad. He does poetry slam, though, so I don’t know how different it is from written poetry. Also, the vision of a stern, stony old man like you reciting John Keats at dawn fills me with the utmost joy. Thank you for that image.
My roommate just came in, sweating like the gym rat that he is. He’s very clueless about literature (even more so than me) but we both read Harry Potter annually and cry into our Hogwarts scarves while Hedwig’s Theme plays in the background. We also sometimes marathon the movies to see the sexy evolution of Matthew Lewis, but he’s more concerned about the plot. Who knew.
Silver
Week 4
Dear Mr. Silver,
How old do you think I am? Rest assured, I am not quite an old man yet (although I’ve been described as stern and stony, go figure).
I recommend the obvious, Pride and Prejudice, or Sense and Sensibility for your first brush with Austen. However, Persuasion remains my absolute favorite. It always had that emotional punch that reminds me why literature is so valuable, and why Austen remains such a significant writer today. We have an Austen book club here at the library; it’s refreshing to see the youth engaged.
Your friend does poetry slam? Interesting. I would’ve thought somebody as dramatic as you would’ve taken to that. My partner writes poetry in her spare time; they’re always beautiful.
Harry Potter could turn anyone into a bookworm. I see you’ve mentioned Hogwarts scarves, so the obligatory question (and I’m sure you would tell me anyway): which House do you belong to? Matthew Lewis is too young for me, but when the first movie came out I was very much enamored by Oliver Wood. Your roommate is right, however: the plot takes precedent.
JFM
JFM,
You can’t just say you’re not an old man and then refer to millennials as “the youth.” How old are you anyway? I have to admit I haven’t Internet stalked you yet, for the simple reason that I love the element of surprise in your replies. And I got a feeling that you wouldn't even know what the fuck a Twitter is.
I started reading Persuasion yesterday, so you’re welcome. I had to pay close attention to the story; the language needs some getting used to, but I’m enjoying it so far. Anne sounds like an interesting character. I’m rooting for her (that’s a big deal, yo; I usually only root for myself).
Your partner sounds like a catch. Care to tell me more about your lady? I really need to adjust my image of you now.
Jack’s poems are all very dramatic and I don’t always get them, but he’s a brilliant speaker and he knows it. He sometimes performs with his best friend/girlfriend/life partner person (I’m not sure what she is to him, really) and it’s the funniest thing ever; Jack is theatrical and expressive and she’s...not.
I’m a Slytherin! We’re not all evil (well, depends on what mood I’m in). My roommate is the quintessential Hufflepuff, but we get along great. Most of the time when he’s not stealing my sweaters, anyways. What about you?
BTW: It’s not that I don’t care about the plot, but there are things about a story that excites me more. Character, for the most part.
Silver
Silver (I think we’re beyond stiff formality),
You’re right, I’m not active on social media at all. I do spend a lot of my time on Quora—it’s a question-and-answer site where I answer questions about things such as military history, LGBT+ politics, and classical literature, just to name a few topics up my sleeve. I really don’t care if you search for my profile; you might learn something valuable beyond imagined vegetable motifs in Arthurian literature. And as for a matter of fact, I do know what the fuck a Twitter is. I don’t have one, but the library does; it’s managed by our social media director, Joshua.
I'm thirty-seven, but that's not very relevant to the conversation. By your general tone and details about your life, I assume you're in your early- to mid-twenties.
I’m glad to know you’re enjoying Persuasion. It doesn’t have the romantic wonder of Pride and Prejudice, but it’s still terribly romantic in the most heartfelt way. You’ll know what I mean.
What do you mean you need to adjust your image of me?
Miranda is one of my two romantic partners. I’ve known her for so long that describing her becomes hard; she just is. Vivacious and bright, delightfully intelligent, she gets about anyone to open up. Everybody is either fond or afraid of her. She’s right most of the time about everything, even though I don’t like to admit it. Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without that woman.
I might as well describe my other partner, Thomas. He’s an incredible idealist; I met him when he was a student activist and I was working for the college newspaper. I was tasked with interviewing him, and we kept meeting up to debate about politics and social justice (I’m afraid I was rather skeptical). Anyway, it unfolded into a series of dates and here we are now.
I suppose I have to ask if you have any partner(s)?
Tell your friend good luck on his poetry. Also, some relationships lack clear labels and just are, and that’s alright.
I keep getting contradictory results whenever I take the Pottermore quiz. I usually get Slytherin or Hufflepuff, believe it or not. I have gotten Gryffindor on a few counts, but I think that just depends on my mood. I’m only Ravenclaw in the sense that I devour knowledge, but it’s mostly knowledge that pertains to my interests, not out of genuine curiosity.
JFM
Week 5
JFM,
I actually did look up your profile and *whistle* don’t take this the wrong way, but you are hot . Most thirty-seven-year-old men aren’t, with the notable exception of Jake Gyllenhaal. Your answers are also genuinely engaging. It seems like people like your old-man dry humor and clipped tone. I love the weird anecdotes you throw here and there in your serious political answers (yours and Thomas’ first official date was at a riot?? I love him).
And look at you, joking around! My vegetable theory is legit, though.
And you’re right, I am in my early- to mid- twenties. Any guesses? Hints: Just graduated from my local community college and am sharing an apartment with a gym instructor and a tattoo artist. I’ve been called a trash millennial. Ah, would you just kill to have my life.
In my head, you were a boring robot devoid of emotion. So your having a love life and a stunning visage kinda changes that (not that I believe romance and good looks makes a person better, just, you know).
I don’t have any partners. The last girl I hung out with egged my motorbike. She wasn’t a very creative lass, I’m afraid.
Yours sound great, though. Tell them I say hi, if they even know you’re corresponding with me.
Oh, I gave up trying to label Jack and Anne’s relationship. They’re like Kit Kat bars, you can’t have one without having the other. Anne is seeing a close friend of mine, Max, and they sometimes have a triad going on. Whenever we hang out, I’m usually the fourwheel unless I bring Billy with me (that’s one of my roommates).
Oh my god. You’re a (part-time) Hufflepuff? I would never have guessed. I feel like I must do something about this information. You really are full of multitudes.
Update: I just told Muldoon, my other roommate. He didn’t look up from his bootleg of Dear Evan Hansen. Jerk. Billy says yay.
Silver
Silver,
Thanks for the compliment, more so on my answers than on my face. I’m not fond of posting pictures of myself on the Internet, since attention is often misdirected at my appearance rather than on what I have to say. That’s not humble-bragging, that’s just the truth.
Yeah, our first date was at a riot protesting our college’s poor LGBT+ treatment and discrimination. I didn’t originally plan on attending it since I didn’t see the point, but it turned out to be an exhilarating experience. I actually turned up on the local news because of that. My father was displeased, to say the least.
I’d peg you for twenty-two? Twenty-three? Since you told me you just graduated from community college. Do you have any concrete plans after?
No, I don’t suppose romance and good looks necessarily change a person. However, Thomas and Miranda have each changed me in fundamental ways, so I’m forever glad for that. Before them, I didn’t really have much of a sense of self.
They do know I’m corresponding with you. Thomas finds it hilarious. Miranda worries about catfishing.
If she egged your motorbike, you probably did something to deserve it. From what I’ve known about you, it’s not outside the realm of possibility.
What are your roommates like?
Why is it so surprising that I have some Hufflepuff in me? Surely you don’t think that all Hufflepuffs are cute and soft, just like how not all Slytherins are smarmy and, to be simplistic, evil. Out of all the things that make me who I am, defending and protecting the few who I love is a constant truth.
JFM
JFM,
I think I have a similar problem, except I don’t have much to offer in terms of substance. I’m too jaded and cynical to be of much use, bahaha. I’d say I’m a pretty boy though, if you squint hard enough.
Your father was displeased? For what? Your sticking up for the rights of disgraced minorities with a cute boy? Kudos to you, by the way. Muldoon organizes rallies for this kind of stuff, but I’ve never been into it. Change does happen, but in my experience it’s always been disappointing to expect too much.
I just turned twenty-five, actually. For reasons, I took a gap year and had to repeat a school year.
Dude, I don’t even know what I’m gonna get for dinner (Jack wants to try that new ice cream-based restaurant, since he hates his anus, while Max is on some kind of sugar-free diet; send help), let alone a life plan. My style has always been to live in the present, to make it up as I go along. It may not be the best, but it’s (relatively) worked out so far.
Still, I sometimes can’t help but think that’s there more I could do. But it’s five in the afternoon on a Friday, and frankly I just want to degrade my mind with trashy reality TV.
How did Thomas and Miranda improve (uh, I mean change) you? They still have a lotta work to do there.
Tell Miranda that she has no cause to worry. I’m 100% real. Unfortunately.
Okay, yeah, I admit I was a pretty bad boyfriend. I guess it’s just because I didn’t expect her to care for me, since I didn’t really care for myself. Ah, well, past is past. She was justified, all things considered, although it was a bitch trying to clean up my motorbike. Poor Debbie was never the same.
How to describe my roommates...well. Billy is a puppy inside a lion’s body. Dude is fit, with the most impressive pair of arms I’ve ever seen. He is also the most loyal and caring person I know, the kind who would drop everything to pick you up if you’re ever stranded in the middle of nowhere (I know from experience). We became friends at freshman orientation; he looked like a tool but we hit it off anyway.
I met Muldoon at a pottery class, in which I risked failing and he took pity on me. We became depressed queer friends ever since! His art, next to mine, looks like Van Gogh compared to a bored 12-year-old whose portfolio consists of penises on math desks. He’s so emotionally intelligent and easy to love; he sees things in you that you don’t see in yourself.
She’s not a roommate, but my best friend Max - although, don’t tell her this or I swear to god - is the most #me person I’ve ever met (there’s millennial lingo for you, old man). We don’t tell each other this, but it’s easiest to be ourselves around each other because we are so alike. Except that she has a girlfriend, a car, a LinkedIn account, and a successful lesbian bar. Plus a healthy dose of self-esteem, so I’m happy for her.
Okay, so maybe I was plagued with some Hufflepuff prejudices without knowing. I shall try to take note of my microaggressions and build a more tolerable safe space from now on. Will you ever forgive me?
Silver
Silver,
I apologize for the late reply. I was dragged by a friend to a (god forbid) yoga retreat this weekend and they had an absurd policy against technology. I fail to see how that helps anything, but then again, I’m no yoga nut. By the end of it, even the instructor said I still had rocks in my back.
I’ve noticed that you sounded, well, sad in your email. Please do be kinder to yourself. I know I have no impact on your life, as you have none in mine, but over the past week I’ve come to care about you in a certain fashion.
My father was a great and earnest man, and I loved him deeply, but we never saw eye-to eye. He always wanted me to conform to the system, stray from trouble, be good and hard-working and eventually I will be respected. Before meeting Thomas and Miranda, I saw reason in this mindset; I believed in necessary change, but I also valued conformity and stability above all else. He was an important figure in my life, and we got along great if we avoided politics (which wasn’t easy, I admit; it’s a critical feature of my life). I don’t blame him for having frowned upon my student activism, though.
What did you do for your gap year?
I don’t have much to advise on the subject of lunch, either. I’m a picky eater, but my appetite is rather dull. Even soup is fine by me, as long as it doesn’t have beets.
I don’t know how you do it. Live in the present, I mean. I always need to plan ahead and think through every possible scenario. I’m not neurotic, just very calculating. That word has negative connotations, but it’s just the way I am.
At the risk of sounding clichéd: If you believe in yourself, you can achieve great things. Obviously it’s not five on a Friday afternoon by the time I’m typing this, but it doesn’t matter what time of day it is. You’re young, you’re witty, you’re interesting; do with that what you will. But, for your sake, don’t mope around and self-sabotage chances of success.
You kid (I think), but it’s true. Thomas and Miranda have changed me for the better. He encouraged my transition into activism, made me more idealistic and compassionate to the struggles of others. She influenced me to do better than my best, to persist and fight for my ideals. In the way of partners, they aren’t the worse of the bunch.
Sorry. That was incredibly sappy.
Why did you name your bike Debbie? I’m not even surprised that you name inanimate objects; you’re the kind of person who would.
I wish you luck in your later relationships, and hope you find peace with yourself. I really do. I think you’re more of a catch than you give yourself credit for, anyhow.
Your friends sound like an interesting crowd. When I think about it, Billy sounds familiar...I think he interned at the library a few summers ago. If that’s the case, I’m glad to know he hasn’t changed (not that we talked; Gates manages the interns, I don’t really care about what they do unless they break the damn coffee machine).
Have you tried talking to your friends about your personal issues? From what you’ve told me, they sound nice.
I know when to hold my grudges. Your Hufflepuff-related ignorance doesn’t seem worthy enough to be included in the ranks.
James
Week 6
James (woah, we’re finally on a first-name basis!!),
Wow, poor you, stuck on that yoga retreat, sweat rolling down your muscular back, staining your...yoga clothes. I have no idea what you wear to a yoga class. I’m not gonna do that to my beautiful body.
Ha, sorry if that made you uncomfortable. As you can see (read??), I’m a little tipsy, so my filter is off. Not that I had much of one in the first place.
Really tho, I am touched that you do care for me in a “certain fashion.” I could say the same for you, weird librarian whom I’ve never met IRL.
I’m sorry, but I don’t know what to say about your father; I never really had one around growing up. No nostalgic recollections for me there. You spoke of him in the past tense, so my sincere condolences. I’m sure he was proud of you, nonetheless of your differences. Hold onto that.
I don’t want to talk about my gap year. Maybe another time, but I doubt it.
Not so much of a picky eater myself (soup?? Are you mad ??), but waffles are my #1 weakness. Fuck all other desserts, I’ll live on banana waffles with super thick syrup for the rest of my life, thanks.
Dunno, I never had a choice but to think on my feet. I’m a pretty bright guy and I can read people well. Have to say, though, that my thinking didn’t get me far in high school. You, on the other hand, were probably the fricking debate captain and student council president.
And look, I appreciate your advice, I really do (that’s a semi-lie). But you don’t know me; I’m fucked-up in ways that are incomprehensible except to me, and I’ve accepted that. I can’t just believe in myself and suddenly become better, no matter how allegedly interesting and witty I am. It’s not fucking self-sabotage, it’s reality. You said so yourself that my books held no sincerity, and that’s true; I don’t really care about them.
Do T and M (I'm lazy) work at the library?
Anyway. I named Debbie ironically—typical white girl name. But she’s my girl now, so any scratches on her are scratches on my heart.
And oh god, I asked Billy and he said that he interned there in the summer before his senior year of high school. So, uh, any embarrassing pics of teen Billy are welcome. (I bet he still looked like a white Terry Crews back then, body-wise. The bastard, making the rest of us look like shrimp). He said that you kept to yourself and was just cold and intimidating all-around, which I simultaneously find hard and easy to believe.
My friends are awesome people, but I don’t wear them down with my problems, not even Max. I can handle (read: repress) them myself, and plus, it’s nobody else’s ugly business but mine. I’m a big boy, you know? Also, I don’t have that kind of cash for a shrink.
Speaking of my friends, I think Anne just left a book on Victorian flowers (of all things!) on the counter. She’s secretly in love with me, I swear (that was a joke. She wouldn’t hesitate to cut my dick off).
Honestly, I didn’t mean for my last letter to be such an angst fest. I guess I was feeling particularly bad that day, and you were the poor unfortunate soul on the other end of my thoughts. Anyway, the fact that we don’t actually know each other helped me save face a little. But please don’t press it.
So, so glad you pardoned me. I shall be holding my breath for your next email, my sweet.
Silver
Silver,
I noticed that you use humor to hide whatever you have going on down there. I have no delusions that I have much impact in your life, but you don’t get into the habit of talking to someone without caring about them to an extent. And I do care about you.
I’m sorry that you didn’t have a father growing up. But the miraculous thing about growing up is that you realize the people you call family are founded, not given. Even if you don’t want to tell your friends about your inner demons, they are still family.
In the last three years of his life, my dad came to accept my being polyamorous and made efforts to include Miranda and Thomas. That was lovely. He was the one who raised me up, so I’m glad that our relationship didn’t splinter just because of that.
I’m not fond of waffles, or anything sweet for the matter. A shame, I know.
You’re right, I was Debate Captain and Student Council President, as well as captain of the lacrosse team and editor of the school newspaper. Looking back, though, I wish I hadn’t taken myself quite so seriously. My focus was solely on getting out of my small town (I can see you rolling your eyes), I didn’t take the time to act like a teenager.
You were probably one of the artsy stoner kids who graffiti the wall with penises, or something.
It’s laughable to think of the person I was in high school. He would balk at the state of my life now: a librarian and part-time Shakespearean director in a polyamorous relationship. Rocking a ponytail, no less.
Miranda comes from a rich family of bookworms, so they fund the library. She works on the legal side of things as our paralegal. Thomas is a political philosophy professor, but he donates often.
Debbie is a terrible name. But since I named my goldfish Walrus, I can hardly criticize your choices.
Tell Billy that I apologize for appearing cold and intimidating (even though you find it “hard and easy to believe,” whatever the hell that means). After a bit of googling, I have determined that I don’t remember enough of his physiognomy to compare him to Terry Crews. Speaking of which, we’re open to volunteers, so don’t be intimidated to come on down. I’m not putting stock into your doing that, just if you want to pleasantly surprise me. Yeah.
I, surprisingly, have always harbored an interest in the language of flowers. My aunt was a rather dedicated florist, and I spent a lot of time in her shop while growing up. I even had practice in preparing bouquets for grieving widows and young men afraid of being alone.
Don’t worry about your last email being, as you so eloquently put it, an “angst fest.” It’s not healthy to repress your feelings, no matter how much you seem to try. I’m not one to barge into others’ business, but like I said, I do care. Our circumstance does render me useless, however.
James
James,
Do you usually use armchair psychology on people you’ve never met? I mean, I guess you have a point there. Humor is kind of a way for me to distance myself from responsibility. It does suck that one of my better qualities is a defense mechanism, but hey, I’m uproarious fun at parties.
And believe me, I know. Family doesn’t equate to biology, and thank fucking God for that. My friends deserve awards for putting up with me, really.
Oops, Muldoon just walked in and saw that last part. He sighed and called me an idiot. This is unusually blunt of him, so I’ll ask him how he’s feeling after finishing this (I can’t do it now, or else I’ll forget to write back).
Yeah dude, that would be horrible if he disowned you because of your love life. Besides, T and M sound really hot. I mean, a political philosopher and a paralegal? Oh man. My knees are weak.
You were right—I did roll my eyes (#richkidprobs much?), but I do know what you meant. Same problem on the surface, different roots. I had to raise my three younger siblings throughout my teens while making sure my dad didn’t fall into a ditch driving drunk. I caught up to all the partying and drugs at college though, which in hindsight isn’t a very brilliant idea. But that’s what happened. What’s past is past.
Why were you in a hurry to get out of your small town? You seemed like you were king of it.
You’re telling me that you weren’t a stony artsy kid who graffitied penises too? It’s actually cool that your guess was spot-on. I wasn’t a very deep ‘artist’; no abstract criticisms of the System there, I’m afraid.
And wait, wait, you’re a Shakespearean director? First a part-time Hufflepuff, and now this? What other secrets are you hiding beneath the facade? Are you part of the CIA? I need to hear more of this (the directing gig, not the CIA—though if I did hit a chord of truth, please do indulge me).
Why on Earth would you name your goldfish Walrus ? Would you name a human child Hippopotamus? Because that makes about as much sense.
I told Billy you apologized. His response: a thumbs-up. Should I continue to be the messenger of this intriguing correspondence between you two?
And hey, I may turn up in your prestigious little library in the future. Just to prove you wrong, and see that handsome face up-close.
I’m reading on that flower book, and man, these people really do make things complicated and unnecessary. Roses have so many meanings, especially yellow ones (I’m not crazy about flowers, but those are my favorite to look at). They mean jealousy and infidelity in Victorian times, but also warmth and joy later on. This just creates an unnecessary dilemma whenever a poor gentleman wants to send his lady a break-up bouquet, and she thinks he’s proposing or something.
It’s strangely cute that you like flowers. Something tells me you have potted plants around the house (of which you have bestowed unfortunate names upon).
Silver
Silver,
I’m of the belief that the mind conducts our actions. If you’re convinced that you amount to nothing and will achieve nothing, you run the risk of making nothing of yourself. Obviously I’m not arrogant enough to think that the words from a near stranger will influence your way of thinking, so I’m just going to leave it at that (but it’s hard to when you throw in offhand references about your self-loathing; please don’t normalize yourself with it. I’ve done that and it did me no good.)
I hope Muldoon is okay.
Yeah, I’m glad we never got that far. Miranda is actually thinking of going back to law school; become a lawyer for real. I’m immensely happy for her.
I’m racking my brain for anything I might’ve said that makes you think I have “#richkidprobs.” On the contrary, I came from a lower-middle class household; my dad became a shoemaker after his twenty-year job at the coal factory closed down. I don’t like to linger on it, since I do hate self-pity, but I didn’t exactly have it breezy either. It gets on my nerves when people misconstrued my intelligence for affluence.
I wanted to get out of my small town because I knew there was more for me out there. And no, ‘king’ wasn’t a title for a studious, serious-minded student (that was an unintended but still exciting bit of alliteration) in that place. That went to the neighborhood bullies who called me faggot and nearly burned down my truck.
I’m genuinely sorry that you had the responsibility of raising your siblings; no teenager should ever have that much on their plate. Are they alright now? I surely hope so. I had none of my own, so it’s always interesting to hear about others’.
My college experience was, again, somewhat the opposite of yours. I didn’t have the typical wild years everyone keeps talking about. I went to a private university while working three jobs part-time, and had to commute from my house to my school in the city by train. I haven’t properly adjusted to living with roommates yet because of that.
I did get a minor in theatre studies and have acted in several troupes before. My performance as a low-budget Caesar has been described by the Nassau Herald Times as “cackling with magnetic energy,” whatever that means. I’m more drawn to directing, though; it’s always cathartic to see your vision come alive, and even more, to know that other people have to help you bring it to life.
Walrus was an inside joke between the staff here (yes, I am acquainted with the nature of jokes). You may have noticed that our logo is that of a walrus reading a book. They gave me that goldfish on my birthday, and after running through a list of even more unfortunate names, I resolutely pointed at the logo on the wall and decided that would be it. I just wanted to go home.
I have nothing to reply to Billy, so I guess we’re done. Thanks for your hard work as messenger, but I think I’ll stick with just one intriguing correspondence for now. Unless, of course, you really do get on my nerves.
You know what? You should come down here; you might see what material we actually showcase on our shelves. You said pirate sex is in vogue, but we are not ‘vogue.’ We are a mid-level educational public library.
I do have a growing collection of flora and fauna (what’s so “strangely cute” about that, pray tell?). They’re good for the environment, and while I’m alive I’d like to not make the world even more of a shithole.
Funny, I also have a soft spot for yellow roses. They’re certainly more interesting to look at than the typical reds. They’re also the kind that Newland Archer gave to Ellen Olenska in The Age of Innocence, one of my favorite novels.
My aunt would say that every rose is equally important in the language of flowers, a rose is a rose is a rose, but I don’t think it’s true. It’s a shame that lovers deprive themselves of the full extent of romantic expression just because they’re unaccustomed to its complexity There’s ivy (faithfulness), moonflower (dreaming of love), and my personal favorite, jonquils (desire or “return my affection”).
Apologies for my rambling. Plants are one of my favorite topics of conversation.
James
Week 7
James,
By the time you’ve received this email, you would’ve gotten my gift by now. You’re very welcome, by the way.
I’m going to pointedly skip over that self-help lecture. And Muldoon is fine, thanks for asking.
Congrats for Miranda! She and I have a weird (read: next to none) relationship, but tell her good luck. Max used to want to go into law, but got cold feet. The fact that her ex was enrolled in the same law school she was going to didn’t help matters.
Now look, I’ve started gossiping about someone whom you don’t even know.
And hey, I really am sorry for underestimating your tale of woe. You don’t deserve that shit—feel free to give me the info of those truck arsonists, and I’ll be on their trail. I’ve had my fair share of bullying, but if anything happens to Debbie, I would raise hell.
Did you live in a rural town? Since, you know, trucks and coal factory. City kid here.
I don’t regret taking care of my siblings, truly. I love those little weirdos, as annoying as they could be, and I’m awesome with kids now. Yet you probably shouldn’t ask me about sibling experience; our situation wasn’t normal. We took care of each other when our parents weren’t under the roof, which was a lot, so we’ve built a mini family dynamic of our own. I’m sure otherwise I wouldn’t have learned how to cook.
My brother (Baxter, next to me in birth) is in college for engineering; he’s wicked smart. My sisters are still in high school—well, Sara, the eldest of them dropped out last year. I worry about her. The middle, Rena, is an entrepreneur in the making (she was a slime dealer), and the youngest is in her freshman year. Winnie’s too shy for own good, so I hope she’ll step out of her shell.
I visit home a lot. They may not want to act like it, but they need me there. My mom is acting more careless and flighty even more than usual.
Wow, that was...a lot. I’m not going to delete those paragraphs because, screw it. I trust you enough. Plus, the fact that I can’t actually see you makes me not care so much.
College is overrated. I’m still shocked that I finished all four years of it, and in fucking English no less. Look where that got me: a crack erotica writer/barista at a shitty cafe. (Ok, to be fair, I never tried that much; plenty of my English classmates are successful at fancy companies and lit journals.)
Hard respect to you for making it through that whole mess. What jobs did you have during college?
“Cackling with magnetic energy” title of your sex tape.
God, now I’m just curious about this whole actor-director gig you’ve got going on. I’ve been told I have a flair for the dramatic, which isn’t...a lie. What productions are happening at the moment? I may sneak into the backstage to see you, and probably scare you into not writing to me again.
Okay, now that I’ve read further, I realize I could just go to the library to see you. I mean—obviously, I know that, I just never processed that to myself because it feels weird. I’ll think about it. A walrus for a mascot does throw some doubt upon the dignity of such a melting pot of enlightenment, hmm.
Why, do you have any qualms about being called cute? Surely even a mountain of hot terror such as you have been rendered a blushing mess.
Jesus, of course plants would be one of your favorite topics of conversation. Old man. Out of the sake of indulging you, and not out of curiosity, what kind of plants do you grow?
Good night,
Silver
Silver,
I have no words except to say that you have cheek. Thanks to you, the staff is full-blown gossiping about my ‘secret admirer,’ thinking that I’m unaware of their non-work jabber. My partners both think it’s hilarious, so I’m glad for that.
Okay, okay, I’m being too harsh. These yellow roses are beautiful. A frivolous pink bouquet, no less. How can I ever repay this.
Damn you, I don’t have your address—but mark my words, if I do, you’d receive an even more embarrassing gift.
Miranda is having second thoughts about the law school, actually. I don’t think these fears would amount to actual self-sabotage (I hope not), but I’m concerned. She’s a self-motivated and clever woman with no self-imposed limits; it’s hard to watch her second-guess herself. She’s too good for that kind of doubt.
Tell Max I’m sorry. I don’t even know if your friends are aware of my existence, but regardless, I would know the awkward pains of encountering an unpleasant ex.
Thank you for that threat on my behalf, but you won’t have to put it to use. I’ve found my peace, and the past doesn’t bother me anymore. Or, not as much as it used to. I believe that everyone’s past defines them in some fundamental way.
You sound like a great brother. No sarcasm—I’m genuinely impressed by your courage. The description of your siblings made me laugh. What the hell is a slime dealer?
I wish Sara the best; I don’t know what else to say, since the specifics are lost on me, but high school isn’t always the solution for everyone. Does she have any passions she may cultivate? Does she aspire to get a GED?
Have you confronted your mother? Or urge for her to get help (if she does indeed need it)? I’m sorry—I know that you hate it when I say that, but still—it is not your responsibility to be their alternate parent.
And thank you for trusting me. I usually don’t care any less about being liked, but it does feel nice to be liked. And by you.
My college jobs were mostly typical: coffee shop, retail, and, ah...I was a stripper at a gay nightclub when I got especially desperate. It wasn’t all bad, and I learned a fair bit about male bodies. Do not mock me, or I shall put an end to this correspondence.
We have a production of Much Ado About Nothing next Friday. Opening night. Our backstage is fairly secured, so you’ll just have to find me in the boring way. Or don’t. I’m not one to pressure you; if you want to keep our friendship (for we are friends now, I’m sure) strictly online, I’m more than happy to oblige.
The walrus wasn’t my idea. It was my secretary Gates’ making. I don’t complet7ely get it either.
Trust me, I did not blush.
I grow bulbs, ferns, peonies, perennials, and aquatic plants (there’s a pond in our backyard that needs more beauty). I’ll attach pictures in this email to show you.
James
James,
Speaking of secret admirers, I may have stringed along one of my own. That was a poor choice of words; I would never deliberately do such a thing, but it still doesn’t quite sit right with me. This weekend I went to a house party, and had gotten deliriously and stupidly drunk. A rather handsome guy was there, and thank god that my memories are fuzzy at best because I’m sure I must’ve grinded on him or something.
To cut this unnecessarily long story short: he texted me this morning asking to meet up for dinner. This is, well, a surprise. I never seriously dated (and I am not considering the girl who vented it out on Debs) except this one time, long ago. It was a mess, so I’m not going to get into all that jazz.
Anyways. I’m not even sure why I’m telling you this. Except perhaps that you seem like a relatively wise and well-adjusted guy who knows what he wants. Me, not so much. I’m not even sure if I like men, or if the unpleasant experience I had ruined them for me.
But I am glad that you love (even if you don’t admit it) your flowers. Don’t expect too much from me after this; I like to take things slow ;)
Is Miranda coping any better?
My friends are indeed aware of your existence. Billy, as you know, is positively mystified; Muldoon thinks that we’re dating, based from snatches of what he’s seen. (Which is, of course, ridiculous. We’d both kill the other). I talked to Max about you and she thinks you’re the coolest, for some inscrutable reason.
Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I’m sure you two would get along in an intimidating, stoic manner. Her lawyer ex is the mayor’s daughter; I’m sure you two can rant about local politics together. I’ve been told that your library is being in-adequately funded.
Wow, you sure ask a lot of questions about my family. I’ll order them out so I don’t get a headache.
- A slime dealer is someone who makes slime, duh. I think slime is getting outdated, but it used to be all the rage among the kids. Rena makes them with different colors and lotions in middle school, it’s really quite adorable (and surprisingly lucrative; kids are weird).
- Sara’s never been an academic person. She’s in no way unintelligent, her mind just doesn’t work in that way. We heavily advised her against dropping out, but she’s infuriatingly strong-willed. I doubt she’s interested in a GED. Right now she’s working in a wine brewery and does seem to enjoy it, so go figure.
- My mother has never been of help. But by miracle and self-help, although mostly the latter, I survived. My sisters have each other’s backs. It would be amazing if she would get off her ass and act like a parent, but I don’t want to run the risk of separating my siblings. Rena and Winnie has spent a lot of nights in my place when things get hard, so they know that my door is always open.
Oh my god oh my god oh my god you were a stripper. I mean, terrible that you had to resort to that path to sustain your college education, but oh my god. What was your stripper name (I have guesses)?
I think Jack wanted to see that production, so I may go see it with him. He’s always wanted to play Benedick.
And yeah, I think I’m going to keep whatever we have just online for the moment . Hopefully this doesn’t sound rude, but I’m used to many disappointments—if you turn out to be, well, not who I expected you to be in real life it’s just going to cause an unnecessary rift between us. People aren’t always the same as they present themselves behind a screen. I think I’m authentic (too authentic, really, but I can’t help it) in our emails, so you shouldn’t worry about that. But I have this thing called Trust Issues, so it’s not even your fault.
Your backyard looks like it should be featured on HGTV, because goddamn . Plants are still a foreign language to me, but that’s just beautiful. I can tell that you are someone who puts minute detail into everything you care about.
Here, I’ll return the favor and take a pic of my room in lieu of the garden which we don’t even have.
Silver
Silver,
Why do you feel like you stringed him along? From what you’ve described, he just seems understandably attracted to you. Don’t stress so much about it, go out and have fun. Whatever bad experiences you had in the past shouldn’t determined your future relationships.
I’m glad that I come across as well-adjusted, but believe that is certainly not the case. Like any other human, I have my own set of insecurities. Granted, I hide it better than others do. You’ll find that is often the case; human beings are annoyingly messy by nature. I remember the first few years after I came out, and how dating and sleeping with men felt like stepping out of my skin. I didn’t understand why it felt strange, when I knew I was attracted to men too. It would take me months of research and soul-searching to realize that I was demisexual.
Miranda was accepted into her program! We had a celebration party (by party I mean we sat around drinking and playing card games and got to bed by eleven).
It does amuse me that our friends think that there’s even romantic potential between us (no offense?) Frankly speaking, I do think you’re attractive in some ways, but it is hard to define why without knowing you in real life Anyways—forgive me for being loose-tongued, I’ve had quite a few glasses and am currently huddled in our house library, hiding away from stuffy academics (for all my book-reading, engaging in debate over medieval medicine is much more in Thomas’ field).
And, uh, does Max’s ex happen to be Eleanor Guthrie, the mayor’s only daughter? I met her at a few community events and we talked about funding, an issue she seems to be pretty agreeable with. I’m rather fond of her; she’s actually smart and competent in ways that her father isn’t, but lord knows our city government shouldn’t be the place for family politics. I went to numerous town hall meetings over the year, and definitely do see fundamental flaws in the system.
I hope your sisters will turn out better than you (kidding, kidding...or am I). Why, Rena’s already a businesswoman in her own right!
Which I guess is an awkward segway to the topic of my business during college (and no, that is not an innuendo). For the sake of your amusement, as juvenile as it is, I’ll confess that my name changes from week to week. One I particularly remember was Simba. Let the jury know that I did not choose that myself.
I did not love the job (it took me awhile to not want to die onstage), but it did give me $300 an hour just for dancing while almost naked. One can do worse. But there’s also a dark side to the job; many of the men were entitled and people did it out of necessity more than anything.
And I don’t know what to tell you except that how I come across to you is accurate of how I am in person. But if you feel that there’s too much to risk, then I understand. If it helps, we can talk over the phone or text if it’s easier/less formal.
And is that a blanket patterned with poodles I see? And hideous Christmas socks out in plain sight?
Okay, now I really have to go. Thomas’ colleagues are infiltrating my personal space.
James
James,
So, I went on the date. It was all right; he was funny and charming and I’d be blind to say he wasn’t hot. And yet I know I’m not going be into him for very long, so it’s better to gently turn him down now. This isn’t a case of self-sabotage; he’s just not someone who I can be completely myself with. I doubt I’m ever going to find anyone like that, anyway.
Well, as well-adjusted you may not be, I correctly think that you have a great command of who you are and who you want to be. It shows in your letters, your opinions and language, and your lifestyle. And that is the highest compliment I’ve given you, sir, so you better appreciate it.
I relate to what you said about feeling out of my skin during sex, by the way. I don’t rush into the physical side of things before I feel like I can be emotionally intimate with them, and since that so rarely happens, I don’t get any action. It be like that sometimes.
YASSSSS, GO MIRANDA. Playing card games and going to bed by eleven sounds like a wild time. Have a blast.
Haha, yeah, romantic potential between you and me. Crazy stuff. Get out of here, Simba (I can't believe that was your stripper name. Why, oh why, did whoever chose that choose that? Also, weirdest customer ever?)
But, objectively speaking, I think you're attractive too. As if you didn’t know that, you handsome bastard.
Yeah, THAT Eleanor Guthrie! She’s fucking terrifying, in an ice-cold, hot blonde, angry girl of the indie rock persuasion kind of way. She turned to mush whenever she was with Max, tho :/ They were actually sweet, but Max never wanted to talk about it when I offered to listen—which means that shit really went down.
And LOL, I gave up faith on the governmental systems of power in this world a long time ago. But I admire those who continue to try to reform and protest. I know it’s bad, but I go on for weeks not listening to the news because it’s so dismal.
Yeah, my sisters are smart (or, as I like to call them, bad bitches). I don’t like dwelling on regrets, but sometimes I do wonder how my life would be if I actually Tried in high school. It’s an uncomfortable thing to think about.
And I really am sorry for doubting you—you sound like a good person, you really do. I’m surprised as you are that we got this far in friendship; I told you things I usually never tell people. That kind of ease comes with the safety of online interaction (a very unlikely sentence in any other context!).
I’d be open to texting. Here, I’ll screenshot my number. Let’s take this to the next level, baby.
And you aren’t gonna shame me for collecting ugly Christmas sweaters. It started out ironically, and then my taste for them just developed, and...here we are now. I also love poodles; they’re precious creatures in need of protection.
Text me so I know you didn’t die from the academic onslaught of your boyfriend’s colleagues.
Silver
Week 8
AM
(10: 28) How are you feeling?
(10: 28) James??
(10: 29) The one and only. I was referring to your date.
(10: 30) I am positively weeping tears of heartbreak. I bought that engagement ring for nothing!
(10: 31) Huh, thought you were a ring pop kind of guy.
(10:35) Was that a Parks & Rec reference?
(10: 35) I do indulge in popular culture from time to time.
(10: 36) Huh, and here I was thinking all you do is catalogue books and grumpily smash out Quora answers.
(10:36) You’re not wrong.
(10: 37) That’s still a leg up from your disturbing smut.
(10: 39) Dude, I wrote that to make $$$. People are fucking weird.
(10: 40) Also, I started a novel
(10: 40) It’s a story that I actually care about.
(10: 41) Seriously? Silver, that’s amazing.
(10: 41) Describe it to me.
(10: 42) It’s inspired by Persuasion. Remember you rec’d it to me?
(10: 42) Indeed I did! I don’t want to brag about my powers of judgment, but I knew it’d resonate.
(10: 43) Well, you just technically did, old man.
(10: 44) Or should I call you Simba...
(10:45) I hate you, you bastard. Now answer my question.
(10: 46) I’ll explain later, promise. I have a shift at the bakery now.
(10: 47) This is weird. We used to sign our names off at the end of our messages.
(10: 47) ~ Silver
(10: 47) Happy, Simba?
(10: 48) Kindly fuck off
PM
(4: 30) So, the novel
(4: 30) It’s about two people
(4: 31) Hmm, riveting
(4: 31) I’m not finished
(4: 32) Two lovers, reborn in a different era, have to find their way back to each other each time. Eventually they remember the other from their past lives and notice the pattern, but they can’t break the cycle until they find peace with who they are and love each other despite the turbulence of the outer world
(4: 38) James?
(4: 29) Sorry, was busy with work. A bunch of schoolchildren came in and threw me off-guard.
(4: 30) Aww, the faces of the new generation. I want none.
(4: 31) I really like the premise. One question, though
(4: 31) How exactly are they going to ignore the turbulence of the outer world?
(4: 32) Forgetting about the demands of others and realizing that each other’s love and admiration is the only one that matters in the end
(4: 33) That sounds awfully romantic
(4: 34) Awfully?
(4: 35) It just doesn’t sound likely to block out the demands of your surroundings for love alone.
(4: 35) Then again, I haven’t read any of it yet.
(4: 36) Isn’t that what you did with Thomas & Miranda? Ignore public prejudice for love?
(4: 37) I mean, yes, we definitely plowed through the bullshit that society gave us for wanting to be together.
(4: 38) But it’s unrealistic to expect that the world would let us fall in love in peace.
(4: 38) So we had to fight it.
(4: 40) ...which is what my novel is essentially about
(4: 41) Sensitive spot for you?
(4: 42) I didn’t mean to sound like a dick.
(4: 42) I’m sure your novel will be lovely.
(4: 43) But then again, rather low bar for you, huh?
(4: 44) Go to hell smh
AM
(8: 21) I am dead
(8: 21) I am dying
(8: 22) I repeat: I AM A DEAD MAN
(8: 30) You’re so fucking lucky this is a workday and I’m already awake.
(8: 30) Let me guess, hangover?
(8: 31) Burning. Pain.
(8: 32) Maybe you should cut back on the partying.
(8: 33) Wasn’t partying. I was feeling sorry for myself.
(8: 34) Muldoon locked the alcohol cabinet now
(8: 35) Smart guy.
(8: 42) Are you still dying? Should I send you consolation roses?
(8: 43) I’m a blue roses man ;)
(8: 44) You do know those don’t actually exist in nature, right?
(8: 45) You don’t exist in nature
(8: 47) I am hurt. And stupefied by the logic of that statement.
(8: 50) I’ll leave you to be stupefied while I go throw up in the shower
(8: 51) I’ll anxiously wait for your return.
(9: 20) Shouldn’t you be working instead of texting
(9: 25) If memory serves, you texted me.
(9: 30) Should I regret that decision?
(9: 32) I guess that depends on how much you like me.
(9: 40) Anybody home?
(9: 45) Yeah boy I’m good
(9: 45) It’s all good
(9: 46) Uh, are you okay?
(9: 47) Hungover effects hahahahahaha
(9: 48) I have a shift today and then I'm going to try writing
(9: 48) Key word is try
(9: 50) I believe in you, bud
(9: 51) Bud?
(9: 53) You called me boy
(9: 55) I was...flustered
(9: 56) Ok, I have to go write. Talk to you later, yeah?
(9: 57) Yeah, okay, bye
(10: 00) And there’s no need to be flustered.
PM
(4: 39) Hey, you
(4: 40) Hello
(4: 41) Miss me?
(4: 42) Not at all
(4: 42) Okay, just a smidge. You’re annoyingly familiar to me now.
(4: 43) That’s what every guy wants to hear!
(4: 44) In my defense, you don’t strike me as someone who appreciates sugarcoating.
(4: 46) I could sugarcoat when it’s convenient
(4: 46) For example, you look lovely this evening
(4: 47) You can’t...you can’t see me, idiot.
(4: 47) I know, it’s one example of my sugarcoating the reality of things
(4: 48) Nice try, but I distinctly remember you saying I was ‘hot.’
(4: 49) Fuck
(4: 50) You’ve blown my cover
(4: 51) Ha. How did the writing go?
(4: 52) 500 words today, which by my standards was pretty decent
(4: 53) I’m happy for you
(4: 54) I dropped Miranda at the airport today
(4: 54) For law school
(4: 55) Good for her!
(4: 55) How are you feeling?
(4: 56) I miss her, obviously. But we’ll be fine. We’ve dealt with long distance before.
(4: 57) That’s good to hear
(4: 58) I tried long distance with my ex-boyfriend and it didn’t work so well
(4: 58) Didn’t mean to dampen the mood or anything
(5: 00) You didn’t, don’t worry. Do you want to talk about it?
(5: 01) It was a long time ago
(5: 02) I started dating him in secret during my senior year of high school
(5: 02) He was three years older
(5: 03) Christ
(5: 03) In hindsight, I don’t feel comfortable telling you this over text
(5: 03) You can, if you want. I’m all ears.
(5: 05) I know you are, but this is too serious a topic to discuss like this
(5: 06) Oh, I see
(5: 07) I don’t suppose you’ll be interested in meeting up?
(5: 08) I might
(5: 10) I feel frustrated with myself
(5: 11) Why?
(5: 11) I want to meet you, but something is holding me back
(5: 12) And I know it’s fear, which doesn’t even make sense
(5: 12) Of course it’s fear. To be honest, I’m nervous about the thought too.
(5: 13) Seriously?
(5: 14) It’s hard for me to admit this (or to be vulnerable at all really) but your good opinion does matter to me. Which shouldn’t be as much of a case as it is, since we are perfect strangers.
(5: 15) Well, not perfect strangers...
(5: 16) You know what I mean.
(5: 16) Yeah, yeah
(5: 17) You know, we could talk on the phone
(5: 18) Not a bad idea.
(5: 18) You sound surprised
(5: 19) I’ve heard worst ideas from you.
(5: 19) You tend to bring that out of me
(5: 20) So...when do you want to do this?
(5: 20) I’m, uh, free now?
(5: 21) Should I call you? Or you call me?
(5: 22) Okay, we sound like ridiculous teenagers on a first date. I’ll call you.
(5: 23) Cool cool cool cool
“... Hello?”
“ Uh, hi. It’s me.”
“ Yes, I’ve gathered that much.”
“ Wow, man, you sound exactly like how you sound in text.”
“ Is that a good thing?”
“ Ha, it’s quite alright.”
“ You sound...young.”
“ Perv. ”
“ Not in that way, Jesus. ”
“ Pretty sure he’s not listening to us. ”
“ Not religious?”
“ I had to go to church and stuff growing up, but none of it really stuck with me you know?”
“ My dad was a man of faith, but I’m not. Thomas is though. I’m not going to Dawkins my way about this topic; everyone perceives God in their own way. ”
“ I can’t believe you just mentioned Richard Dawkins in our first conversation.”
“ Get ready for that. It’s definitely going to be a consistent pattern. ”
“ I would hang up. ”
“ And then where would we be? ”
“ You, clutching your heart in sorrow. ”
“ That’s cute. More like emitting a sigh of relief. ”
“ You are cruel. Oh, God— ”
“ What? ”
“ My roommates just came in, okay, I think we’re on speaker— Hey, James!”
“ Uh, hi...? ”
“ That was Muldoon. I’ve been talking about you so he knows who you are. ”
“ Oh, okay. Hello, Silver’s told me about you. ”
“I know he did, that son of a bitch. All good things, I hope?”
“ In his own colorful, weirdly specific way, yes. ”
“Awesome. John’s blushing next to me right now. I’ll hand you over. Have fun, you guys.”
“ I most certainly was not! ”
“ John? ”
“ Yeah, that’s my first name.”
“ Oh, I remember. It’s just strange because I’ve been referring to you as Silver, and... ”
“ What about it? ”
“ It just doesn't seem like you. It’s so dull, so unassuming. I do mean no offence. ”
“ My mom named me something unique in an attempt to be interesting, so I legally changed it when I turned eighteen. ”
“ What did she name you? ”
“... Solomon .”
“ No. ”
“ Uh-huh. ”
“ The least she could’ve done for you was give you a presentable name. ”
“ I know, right? ”
“ But why John? ”
“ I chose it at a time when I wanted to seem dull and unassuming. ”
“ You couldn’t be that no matter how much you tried. ”
“ Oh, uh, thanks. ”
“ So, well, I should get going— ”
“ Right, yeah, I forgot you have work. ”
“ Yeah, I would hear your voice a little longer otherwise. ”
“ That’s fucking gay, dude. ”
“ Shut the fuck up. ”
“ Goodnight, sweetheart. ”
“ Goodnight, asshole. ”
*
AM
(10: 15) That wasn’t too weird, was it?
(10: 16) Nope, it was fine
(10: 16) More than fine
(10: 18) Oh, good. That’s good.
(10: 18) I’m coming to your show this Friday, btw
(10: 19) Are you still uncertain about meeting me?
(10: 20) You know what? I think I’m gonna do it.
(10: 21) Fuck, seriously?
(10: 21) I meant that in the best way possible.
(10: 22) Ah, so now you’re nice to me?
(10: 23) What are you talking about? I’m always nice.
(10: 24) Meet me by the pillars after the show. You’ll know it when you see it.
(10: 25) I feel like we’re organizing an illicit meeting between forbidden lovers by moonlight
(10: 29) Yo, you there? I wasn’t implying you’re cheating on T&M or anything
(10: 30) What? I went to get yogurt
(10: 31) Oh, it’s fine. ‘T&M’ are on board with this. Not that there’s anything they should worry about.
(10: 31) Mixed berry?
(10: 32) You’re right, how about that.
(10: 32) You seem like a mixed berry person.
(10: 33) Tastes like Christmas in a cup.
(10: 33) You have weird Christmas dessert.
(10: 34) I am a weird person.
(10: 34) Tell me about it
(10: 35) I think I’m going to be inactive tomorrow. I’ve got 2 shifts and then ((hopefully)) time for writing.
(10: 35) And I’ll be clutching my heart in sorrow.
(10: 36) I knew it
(10: 36) Nah, I’ll be at rehearsals, yelling at the actors to get their shit together.
(10: 37) So charming
(10: 38) Would you be in the play?
(10: 38) No, but I’d be giving a corny speech after it.
(10: 39) What would you be wearing? ;)
(10: 40) Is this a ‘sext’ thing
(10: 41) BAHAHA no
(10: 41) I know what your face looks like. I’m just curious about the rest of your body.
(10: 42) Ok, that does sound like a sext
(10: 43) Blue suit.
(10: 43) Also, I do have to admit that I searched you on social media.
(10: 43) .... Oh?
(10: 44) I don’t mean to be rude, but you look like a poodle.
(10: 45) That’s not the first time I heard this shit
(10: 45) Am I really just that cute?
(10: 46) No, they’re really just that hideous.
(10: 46) How dare you
(10: 47) I’m kidding. I think you’re...
(10: 47) Breathtaking?
(10: 48) Stunning?
(10: 48) Wonderfully gorgeous?
(10: 50) All of the above, if it makes you happy.
(10: 51) Thanks for admitting it.
(10: 51) I lost my pride in the process.
(10: 52) But I am happy.
(10: 52) I am glad to hear. I’ve said before that you are too hard on yourself.
(10: 52) I won’t deny that, although at times it does feel justified
(10: 53) Sappy as it sounds, I’m glad I provoked you into talking to me
(10: 53) You didn’t provoke me into anything (okay, maybe a little).
(10: 54) But I kept contact out of genuine, albeit morbid, interest.
(10: 55) Title of your sex tape
(10: 56) Wouldn’t it be OUR sex tape?
(10: 56) Oh shit you’re right
(10: 57) Okay, have to go. See you in two days.
(10: 57) Unless something else arises.
(10: 58) Do you know how ominous that sounds
(10: 59) Okay bye, go sort those books and conquer the world
*
AM
(8:30) Can you believe that a lady just ordered 60 carrot cakes?
(8: 33) Oops forgot you were in rehearsals
(10:40) Nobody needs that much carrot cake, and that's coming from me.
(10: 42) I think she was trying to throw the world’s most depressing party
(10: 42) Hey, I like carrot cake!
(10: 42) Ugh, of course you do.
(10: 43) You just don't have refined taste.
(10: 43) I just don't hate myself enough :P
(10: 44) Bastard!
(10: 44) See you tomorrow. And your friend too?
(10: 45) Oh yeah, Jack is coming. I think he knows all the lines. Huge Shakespeare nerd.
(10: 45) I quite like him already.
(10: 45) And with time, you'll come to be quite fond of him too.
*
PM
(8: 45) Are you nervous about tomorrow?
(8: 46) About the play or about meeting you?
(8: 46) Both
(8: 47) Yes, I feel...exposed.
(8: 47) Don’t say title of your sex tape.
(8: 48) Dammit!
(8: 49) But hey, so am I. We’ll bumble through this together. I'll insult you and you'll insult me and we’ll laugh it off like old buds.
(8: 50) Title of your sex tape.
(8: 51) Oh, fuck you
*
AM
(9: 30) So will you be wearing a turtleneck and granny glasses?
(9: 32) Screw you. That was a formative phase of my youth.
(9. 33) And thanks for reminding me I have to clean out my Insta, creep.
(9: 35) We’ve all done things we regret.
(9: 36) Like when you wore high heels to meet Thomas’ dad for the first time?
(9: 37) No, I was trying to prove a point! Plus it made him so purple in the face, it was pretty hilarious. Thomas thought so too (winky face).
(9: 37) You are Something Else
(9: 37) How far did you have to scroll through my Quora to get that?
(9: 38) Worth it though. I know so much about you guys now!
(9: 40) Maybe one day you’ll meet them too.
(9: 41) So I have to make the cut first?
(9: 41) I have faith in you.
(9: 44) I, uh...I'll talk to you soon. I've got something to take care of.
(9: 44) Oh, okay.
(9: 45) Love you
(9: 45) Um, ignore that
(9: 46) Or don't. I'm rambling over text, this is a new low.
*
PM
(9: 35) So how did you like it?
(9: 56) Hello?
(10: 10) Hey are you lost or what?
(10: 25) Silver?
[Voicemail]
“If you had second thoughts about this, I would've appreciated if you had told me first. I tried not to think of you all day with little success. And...a pigeon just shit on my shoes. Fucking great.”
*
AM
(8: 56) Is this James Flint???
(8: 59) Yes. Who is this?
(9: 00) Jack Rackham, John’s friend.
(9: 01) I bear news from him.
(9: 01) He is unreachable right now, due to personal reasons.
(9: 03) Is he in danger?
(9: 04) No, no, nothing of the sort. He got a blast from the past and needs time alone to...reflect on it.
(9: 04) Is there anything I can do? Could you be more specific?
(9: 05) Not without telling you things I'm not sure he would be comfortable with. He does this sometimes, you know, once things get tough. He takes off into a land where no man can reach unless they’ve endured a similar kind of pain. It’s why he’s so close to his sisters.
(9: 07) He’s right, you are very poetic. Are you absolutely sure that he’s safe?
(9: 08) He needs time alone for now. I wanted to tell you because I know that you two share a certain intimacy; a budding romance, if I may be so brazen.
(9: 10) I'm afraid that you are mistaken.
(9: 10) Why, what did he say about me?
(9: 12) A good many things, I can't recollect them all. I've never seen him so captivated by anyone, that's for sure.
(9: 13) Speaking of which, the actor for Benedick captivated me last night.
(9: 14) Any chance that he's single?
(9: 15) I'll pass on the compliments to him.
*
Week 9
Silver,
I'm writing this email because I am worried about you (but that's already obvious). If it’s something about your parents, or the ex whom you're uncomfortable on talking about, or literally anything else, I hope you know that you can confide in me and I'll do what I can to help.
It's in my nature; I'm a fixer. Not that you need fixing. You are a breathtaking, stunning, and wonderfully gorgeous (your words) person.
James
[Drafts of Silver’s letter]
James,
You don't have to worry about me.
Love, Silver
*
James,
I'm sorry for not being there. I'm sorry for being a coward. And I know you won't want me to say that, but it is true.
Silver
*
James,
I'm afraid I'm a little bit in love with you.
Okay, that was a lie. I'm very much smitten with you. Trust me to fall for someone I could conveniently avoid.
Doesn't make it any fucking easier.
*
James,
I swore to myself that this would be the letter I would finally send. Who hand-writes letters in 2018? Guys who are uncomfortable with their emotions!
But I owe you an explanation. My ex wanted to reconnect; he called me on Thursday around the time we were texting, and asked me out for coffee while he’s in town. So stupidly, I went.
Old patterns die hard. I was always wary of giving people a space in my heart, and before our relationship became more complicated and tense, he belonged there.
He seemed so vibrant and so kind on the phone; the same man I wanted to impress when I was an impressionable teenager. And it did feel like old times again; we talked and we laughed and we even flirted. And at the end of it, when he invited me to his hotel room, I almost said yes. Almost.
His ways of manipulation and guilt-trip and selfishness were not forgotten. When I said no, it was as if something inside him erupted. He yelled ugly things at me outside the shop; that I was a failure, a burden on everyone near me, a lazy and uninspiring piece of crap. Everyone was staring, but it didn't matter. He seems to think that our history together makes me instantly available.
So no, I didn't go to your show. Instead, I texted Jack that I had a cold and went to my family home instead. I told him so he could tell you; I avoid the online world these days.
Hell, my father doesn't even live at home anymore and my mother needs someone to look after her (whether she deserves it or not is another question). Rena, Winnie, and I may start a garage band.
Don't worry about me. I know you will, but please, move on.
I'm going to stay here a bit longer until I have to face the real world. I might even get a bit of my novel done.
Silver
*
Dear John (ha?),
I don't know how you expect me to just move on. I can't just dust you off and forget about you, and at the risk of sounding presumptuous, I doubt you want me to either.
I'm deeply sorry about what happened. He is scum and you don't deserve that, not one bit. None of those things are true about you.
Would you be okay with my writing to you? I would kindly fuck off if you tell me to. I love you.
James
*
Week 10
[Calling James]
“ It just occurred to me that you know where I live. ”
“ Shit. You should've gave me a warning! Nearly got a heart attack. I thought it was a butt dial. ”
“ That would be the only action this butt is getting .”
“ How are you feeling? ”
“ I am...coping. I'm fine. I think. ”
“ Of course you'll be. Did you get my letter? ”
“ Yeah, I did yesterday. It might be the nicest letter I've ever gotten. Not that there’s much competition. ”
“ So, yeah, about that... ”
“ You said that you loved me, I get it, heat of the moment, let's laugh at your mistake and pretend it never happened. ”
“ What on Earth are you talking about? It’s very much real. ”
“ Oh. ”
“ I know you don't feel the same, but I cannot lie. ”
“No, no, that's not what I meant. I feel...I feel the same way.”
“ Oh. ”
“ I am captivated by you. ”
“ Huh, that's funny. Same word choice Jack used. ”
“... I am going to kill the bastard. ”
“ Please don’t. I'm quite fond of him now. ”
“ I want us to meet for real. ”
“ Me too . But I don't want to unless you're completely ready. ”
“ Honestly, I'll never be ready unless I do it. ”
“ When do you suppose that could be? ”
“ Would tomorrow be too impulsive an answer? ”
“ Tomorrow can't come soon enough. Any places in mind? ”
“ This may sound weird, but...how about my house? To be clear, my childhood home, not the apartment I share with Billy and Muldoon. ”
“ Would that also mean meeting your mother and sisters? ”
“ Perhaps. But I was thinking in the vein of sneaking up to my room like we’re teenagers. I may have told my sisters a lot about you anyways.”
“ We’ve both had boring teen years. Let’s just be us. ”
“ Is that a yes? ”
“ I'll get there late in the evening, though. Would 7 be alright? ”
“ I think so. James? ”
“ Yes? ”
“ Rena sent slime to the library. As a gift for you. ”
“ Yellow roses and slime. I'm like a charity case for the Silver family. ”
“ Don’t flatter yourself. Think of it as compensation for my...affections. ”
“ Your voice is perfectly enough. ”
“ Sap. ”
“ I have two people to attest to that, so I won't deny it. ”
“ So I was thinking about you a lot, and it made writing much more easier. ”
“ Now who's a sap? ”
“ I am pouring my heart out to you, dude. ”
“And I appreciate it. But I'm human, and I'll never screw you over the way he did. I can promise that much.”
“ Felix is incapable of thinking about anyone else. When he went to study abroad in Barcelona, I had the stupid idea to follow him for my gap year at his request. We tried long distance for about three months before, but I was the only one who made efforts. I thought catching a flight there would be so romantic, and plot twist, it wasn't. ”
“ What happened? ”
“ Found out he was cheating on me with his Spanish tutor. ”
“ Oh, god, Silver. ”
“ You don't have to comfort me. I get it. ”
“ I wish I could beat his brains out. ”
“ That works more, yup. ”
“ But tomorrow is guaranteed? ”
“As far as I'm concerned. And, you know, you can call me John. God knows we’re way past formalities.”
“ Oh please, dear, I was never formal with you. ”
“ Fuck. I regret to say I have to go now. We’re going out for dinner. My mom is coming too, so it’s not to be taken lightly. ”
“ Tell Rena I said thank you. The world needs more entrepreneurs like her. ”
“ Ha, will do. Can't wait to see your face tomorrow. ”
“ Can’t wait to see your...butt tomorrow. ”
“ Dude, what? ”
“ I've had a few glasses, fuck me. ”
“ Patience is a virtue, darling. ”
“ There’s a reason I don't care about appearing virtuous. ”
“ Drunk you is just adorable . Okay, now I have to go. Bye. ”
“ Bye. ”
“ Sleep tight. ”
“ I never sleep. ”
“ Hmm, that's consistent with your personality. ”
“ Aren’t you supposed to be going? ”
“ Okay, okay, bye. For real. ”
“ See you...John. ”
*
[Calling Silver]
“ Hey, you. ”
“ I had a great day today. The only great day I've had in a long while, actually. ”
“ There will be more days like this ahead of us. ”
“ I have to believe it. ”
“Your sisters are hilarious. How are you related?”
“ An unfortunate bout of drunken sex. ”
“ Title of your sex tape. ”
“ I am rubbing off on you. Title of your sex tape. ”
“ Ours. ”
“ What do Thomas and Miranda think of me? ”
“They’re looking forward to meeting you. They're very amused by your...shall we say, parlance.”
“ I'm glad to be of interest. I haven't been in a poly arrangement before, so...yeah, I'm kind of nervous. ”
“ That's understandable. It’s something new. But hey, you're a pioneer of the gay pirate raunch fantasy genre. You're not afraid of stepping outside the norm. ”
“ Haven’t you heard? Pirate sex is in vogue. ”
*
Epilogue: Week 40
(9: 03) Is he still getting his beauty sleep?
(9: 03) I told him to set up 20 alarms. I would be seriously impressed if he slept through all.
(9: 04) Darlings, we’re in the same car. We could just use our verbal sirens.
(9: 04) This is the 21st century, Miranda.
(9: 04) Besides, isn't this how James became obsessed with John?
(9: 04) I'm here, just so you know.
(9: 06) It was a mutual obsession!!
(9: 06) Where the fuck are you?
(9: 07) I'm, uh, still grooming. You can't rush these things.
(9: 07) Babe, are you nervous?
(9: 08) Yeah? It’s my first book reading. I imagine this is how brides feel on the day of the wedding.
(9: 08) Well...
(9: 09) LOL sorry Miranda
(9: 09) We’re all here for you!! Cheering you on!! Urging you to reach the sun!!
(9: 10) Thomas may or may not be high.
(9: 10) I most certainly am not!
(9: 12) The thought of everybody being there is lowkey terrifying. You guys, Max, Jack, Anne, Billy, Muldoon, Max’s lesbian reading group...
(9: 13) We all support and love you, doofus.
(9: 13) Now get that cute butt down here.
*
Dear Mr. Silver,
I am delighted to inform you that your novel, The Yellow Rose, has been chosen to be showcased at the Nassau Public Library. We are all impressed by your great work, and know many more will come in the future.
Yours,
James Flint McGraw
Library Director