Chapter Text
一 。
There was a memory that Jisung kept tucked away in a corner of his mind, one that he thought of often. It was of a day over half a decade ago, when he, Seungmin, and Hyunjin were eleven years old and they ran through the grass, falling and staining their knees and jeans green. It had been summer then, the sun high in the cerulean blue sky, and they had laughed and fell back, head touching as they stared upward.
He remembered the feeling of pure happiness like it had been yesterday, how Hyunjin had laughed and Seungmin’s eyes crinkled-before Hyunjin had stopped laughing and Seungmin’s eyes became tired and shadowed-and how their small hands had fit together. Jisung could picture the moving van, and the way they had crowded around each other on the sidewalk and stared at the boy with freckles that were sprinkled like stars over his cheeks, the way he looked right back at them.
Jisung hadn’t known it then, but Lee Felix was like a shooting star that had chosen to land right in their group, and he had shaken their whole world. He had become the sun they revolved around through middle school, with his easy laugh and his stumbling Korean but impeccable English in an Australian accent that Jisung wanted to listen to whenever he could, how Felix’s mouth formed the words and said them in an almost lilting way, how he laughed when he messed up.
The four of them had fit together so perfectly that it was too good to be true. Hyunjin and his visuals, his dancing and how willing Felix had been to learn it so they could dance together. Seungmin and his books, his writing, his art, and how he would teach Felix Korean when he had time, how Felix saved him from drowning in the piles of schoolwork and extra credit and service projects he didn’t need to do.
Then there was Jisung; Jisung and his music, his safe haven. He could recall the first time Felix had sat beside him and took out one earbud, inserting it in his own ear, in perfect detail. How Felix had listened without making a sound or movement, but also how Jisung had been unable to keep his eyes off him. He hadn’t commented on the song, it must have been some trashy K-hip hop song at that time, but he kept doing it when Jisung was least expecting him too until it was almost routine. Just them and whatever song Jisung was obsessed with at the moment, the raps he could recite almost perfectly after a couple listens.
Felix caught him rapping once, his mouth moving along to the words, and Jisung had opened his eyes-he’d closed them to concentrate-to find Felix staring at him intently, so close that Jisung could count each individual freckle. He loved Felix’s freckles, wiping off the concealer the one time Felix had tried to cover them up in a desperate act of low self esteem. Felix hadn’t said anything, just tilting his head and smiled, and Jisung had smiled back and exhaled. Still, he made sure he kept his mouth closed after that, only rapping in the quiet of his baren room.
Then they hit high school and everything changed, flipping upside down. Because while Hyunjin did nothing but rise, bringing Felix with him, Jisung spiraled downwards; leaving Seungmin stranded on the edge of it all, staring straight ahead and standing perfectly still as one wrong step lead to skidding backwards and downwards, while the other would catapult him to a high platform he could never stand.
Jisung was never sure how it happened, but it might have been how sophomore Lee Minho had noticed Hyunjin’s dancing and invited him to join the school’s dance team. Of course Hyunjin had jumped at the opportunity, but it had hurt Jisung how he hadn’t even told them about this until they had met up to get bubble tea after school, announcing he had made the team with his eyes shining. A coldness had spread through Jisung at that, the bubble tea looking unappealing suddenly.
It was only natural that Felix had followed him-after all, Felix was a dancer as well, having learned everything from Hyunjin himself-but even though Jisung told himself it was just the dancing, he couldn’t help but notice how Felix looked at Seo Changbin when they talked occasionally. Changbin was at the top of everything, walking through life in his black hoodie and baseball cap, everyone in awe or afraid of him.
Rumor had it that Changbin was big on the underground rap scene, a supposedly anonymous rapper called SpearB that spit fire and then vanished, taking the invisible crown with him. They called SpearB the Shadow King, and Jisung couldn’t stop himself from studying Changbin, wondering if the rumors were really true, or if they were just another grapevine gossip made to entertain.
Felix fit in perfectly at the top, his easy manner making him popular, his Australian past making him foreign and interesting. He made friends and acquaintances quicker than Jisung ever could, charming to the teachers, having an in with juniors and seniors even. Hyunjin made his own path, using his looks to get him a lot of things. It was another thing that made Jisung’s stomach turn, the fact that Hyunjin had started using himself like that, when he had once spoken in disgust of how people would treat him. How they would treat him like he was ‘nothing more than just a pretty face’, and how he wished he had been born ugly just to see how people would have reacted then. Still, he was an incredible dancer and charming, and Jisung could only frown as he started making his way down a line of girls with his flirtatious mannerisms and playboy act.
It wasn’t until winter of their sophomore year that Jisung realized just how big the rift between their friendship had become. It was during a lunch period they all shared, Jisung originally having something to work on in the library, but deciding against it at the last moment and going to the cafeteria to get lunch. Hyunjin, Felix, Minho, and some others on the dance team had been sitting together, and Jisung had stood in line and watched how Seungmin had walked over, holding his lunch tray.
He felt the horrible feeling in his gut again, the feeling that someone was about to slam something into it, as Seungmin walked over to the empty seat next to Hyunjin and asked in a soft voice; “Hi. Can I sit here today? My usual table has been overrun.” He smiled at the end of it, a warm and genuine smile, the smile he only ever used around the three of them. They were the the only ones Seungmin ever became vulnerable to, the only ones he would ever break down in front of when he felt like he was choking on anxiety and stress and sometimes constant panic attacks that left him crying for air.
Jisung could only stand and watch as Hyunjin looked up, a fry dangling between his fingers, the friendship bracelet they had all made together with their clumsy fingers hanging off his slim wrist. They had each chosen a color, light blue from Seungmin, cherry red from Hyunjin, deep purple from Felix, and silvery gray from Jisung, and woven them together, making sure they all had the same pattern. It had taken hours, restarting and redoing and a couple snack and video game breaks, but they had proudly tied it around each other’s wrists at the end.
“Sorry, that seat’s taken.” Hyunjin said, his voice frosty but his eyes a tad sympathetic. Seungmin paused, wavering, looking around as if he could spot the imaginary person who had taken a spot Hyunjin should have told him to sit in, as if wondering if Hyunjin had said the words he should have; Yes, you can sit here. Guys, this is my friend Seungmin. We’ve known each other since we were kids.
All Seungmin said was; “Oh. Okay. I guess I’ll see you later then.” He turned around and started to walk away, but not before Minho called to his back; “Don’t count on it. We don’t hang out with the pathetic losers of your type.” Jisung felt the money clench in his hand, bills crumpling even more, as Seungmin paused, shoulders rigid, hands fisted under his ripped, oversized jean jacket.
He looked back once, trying to make eye contact with Hyunjin, but he had already turned away to engage Felix in conversation. Jisung tried to get one of them, any of them, to look at him, but Felix’s eyes only skimmed over him when he raised them, darting around the cafeteria. Helplessly, Jisung let himself be shuffled into the kitchen, just catching a glimpse of Seungmin’s back as he left the cafeteria, lunch tossed in the trash.
Later, when Jisung was walking towards the bike rack, Felix caught up with him, grabbing his arm. Jisung jerked in surprise, quickly pulling out his earbuds as he turned to face him. “What do you want?” He asked emotionlessly, kicking back the kickstand and pulling on his helmet.
“Are you free tonight?” Felix replied instead of directly answering his question, a fact that annoyed Jisung. He was already on edge from Hyunjin’s treatment to Seungmin during lunch, how neither Felix or Hyunjin had said anything to Minho’s taunt. How Felix hadn’t said anything at all. They were best friends; they weren’t supposed to do that to each other. Jisung had known that they were slipping apart, he had known as soon as Hyunjin had made the dance team, but he had shoved it down because Hyunjin had looked happy and even as Jisung felt himself losing Hyunjin, he wanted him to be happy.
All Jisung wanted was his friends happiness, so he let Hyunjin go to dance team and become friends with Minho even as Minho pulled him farther and farther away. Minho was on a different level than the rest of them, a tier in the hierarchy of high school that Jisung couldn’t even dream of reaching, the one where people laid on the floor and let you step on them, the kind where you could command people to do whatever they wanted and they would do it or risk their life becoming a nightmare.
Because Jisung loved his friends, he let Felix go as well, knowing he would have a better life with Hyunjin on the team, with Minho and the mysterious Changbin, who seemed to have his eyes fixated on Felix. Jisung wondered if Felix noticed, or if maybe Jisung just missed his friends and wanted them back. He wondered if they were even the still friend group they were, or if he had just wanted to be blind up until now, up until Seungmin in the lunchroom and realizing that they had split apart.
Jisung would still do anything for his friends, so he had let himself fall because he still had music and he still had Felix and Hyunjin and Seungmin, even if that became more distant and less in school and then less out of school too. And, yet, Felix’s hand was warm and Jisung was only fifteen and a half, so he let himself listen and be selfish, to bask in the familiarity and attention, of this moment with Felix.
“I think so.” Jisung said quietly, fingers twirling his earbud strands. “Want to come to a party with me?” Felix asked eagerly, and his eyes lit up and sparkled, and Jisung wanted Felix to keep looking like that, so he nodded. His throat felt dry, swallowing like sandpaper scratching against it. Jisung hated parties, the noise and the sweat and the people, how trapped he felt in a crowd.
It was worth it though, when Felix smiled widely, showing all his teeth. “Cool” He cried. “Hyunjin will be happy to hear it.” Something about the last sentence made Jisung frown, just the tiniest bit. Had it been Felix who wanted to invite him, or Hyunjin? “Who else is going to be there?” He inquired, finding his voice, trying to sound only curious and not panicked.
Felix chewed on his lip, thinking. “Um...the dance team and Minho, Hyunjin, Changbin I think, some of the girls in our gym class. Oh, and it’s at one of Changbin’s friends house. I think he’s an underground rapper. Hyunjin said that you and I could spend the night at his house afterwards. His parents are out in Busan.”
Pasting a smile on his face, Jisung nodded, but he felt uneasy. “What about Seungmin?” He finally said after a long moment, and the grin froze on Felix’s face for a second, something unsure flickering in his eyes. Jisung knew his answer even before he said it, knew that the words were a lie even as Felix said; “I asked him, but he said he didn’t like parties.” Maybe it had been the way Felix had told him ‘you and I’ as if they had already planned it out, a night for just the three of them. As if they had already been shoving out Seungmin before this.
Maybe he really had been blind to what had been going on in their little circle. After all, people grew up and they changed, but Jisung had thought they could survive it. Even through their differences, they had stuck together and built each other up. Even if they started to crumble in high school, their roots were strong. If they grew apart, they wouldn’t outright shun each other like Hyunjin had started to do. It was something they just had to work through, Jisung told himself.
“We’ll pick you up at eight.” Felix said in an excited whisper, leaning in close. His breath made Jisung’s skin prickle as it ghosted across his neck and earlobe. “Are you sure you can manage to get past your parents?” He added, leaning back an inch, enough so that Jisung could breathe regularly. He hadn’t even realized his breath had hitched, becoming shallow, but it must have.
Smiling twistedly, Jisung replied airily; “You know they won’t even notice.” Felix was silent, light eyes holding Jisung’s own dark ones. “Okay.” He said quietly, and then he hugged Jisung before he could move out of the way; throwing his arms around his neck and leaning forward on his toes. Jisung froze, not used to being touched by other people. They had done it occasionally in their friend group, but none of them had been particularly into skinship, except for Felix. For his friend’s sake he had managed to curb it when they were alone, but there had still been the occasional cuddle or touch of skin. It hadn’t happened since they had started high school, though, and Jisung realized he had kind of missed it.
Or perhaps he had just missed Felix.
He was waiting by a streetlight in front of his house when the sleek convertible pulled up in front of him, music shaking the whole street. Felix leaned out of the window in the back, waving at him wildly and motioning for him to sit beside him. Jisung smiled and pulled open the door, sliding in next to Felix, who was beside Hyunjin. Minho was sitting in the passenger seat with his legs up, one earbud in, and the driver was a boy with dyed blonde hair that Jisung recognized vaguely-he thought that he might be one of the people who hung around the dance team.
Minho peeked around the edge of the seat, eyeing Jisung. “You’re Jisung, right?” Jisung nodded, feeling distinctly uncomfortable crammed in the back, the door pressing against his shoulder, Felix’s thigh touching his, and Hyunjin an arms throw away with two strangers in the front. It was a weird feeling, like he was on the very edge.
“I’m Minho.” Minho said. “And that’s Woojin; he’s a junior and our designated driver for the night.” Woojin waved cheerily, but Jisung’s mind was turning over the words ‘designated driver’. Having a designated driver meant that alcohol and drinking were going to be involved. Jisung glanced worriedly at his friends, then tapped Felix on the shoulder. Felix turned to him questioningly, still laughing from a joke Hyunjin had made that Jisung hadn’t caught.
“Hey, you’re not going to drink, right?” Jisung whispered, his cheeks heating as he saw the curious eyes turned to the two of them. Felix glanced at him, looking a mix of startled and unsure. “Um,” He started quietly, glancing over at Hyunjin. “I don’t know.” He finally said with a shrug, leaning back against the seat. After staying quiet for a while, fiddling with his earbuds, he added; “I mean, it’s not like having alcohol is that bad. It would only be a couple sips.” Felix’s ears were turning red, and he looked embarrassed.
Jisung frowned. “Don’t.” He said, frown deepening. He said it louder than he meant, because Hyunjin peeked around Felix to glance at him, confusion on his face. “What is it?” He asked. Jisung hugged himself, looking away, as Felix said; “Jisung doesn’t want me to drink.” Hyunjin blinked. “Why?” He asked, addressing both of them. Jisung shrugged, suddenly feeling small. “You know why.” He replied in a soft voice, clutching his arms and wishing he could sink into the seat and disappear.
Hyunjin laughed sharply. “Oh, come on Jisung. Not everyone is going to be like-” “Just shut up.” Jisung snapped, cutting him off. Hyunjin fell silent, leaning back against the seat, and Jisung rested his cheek against the cool window pane. It was a weird feeling, being mad at Hyunjin. He couldn’t remember a time they’d ever really fought or been angry, it had always ended as soon as it had begun.
“Well, he’s right.” Minho said after a moment, startling the backseat out of silence. “We have a performance on Sunday, and everyone needs to be in top condition. I don’t want any risk of hungover pains.” Hyunjin opened his eyes, staring at him. “Hyung!” He whined, but Minho simply raised his eyebrows.
Grumbling, Hyunjin flopped back and let his head fall against the headrest, rolling his eyes. Jisung sighed quietly. “You know, there used to be a time when you would take my opinion into consideration.” He told them, avoiding eye contact and staring at the houses rushing past. Felix looked nervously between them, Jisung stubbornly looking out the window and watching Hyunjin in the reflection, sitting forward to really look at him. Minho and Woojin were pretending they weren’t listening and watching the conversation, but Jisung knew they were.
“Why are you so mad?” Hyunjin asked, eyebrows furrowed. Jisung contemplated what to say, then finally decided on; “You didn’t have to do that to Seungmin at lunch. It was uncalled for.” He looked at Minho too, seeing how the older chewed on his bottom lip, eyes downcast. Hyunjin made a short noise, a sound of disbelief or maybe an almost laugh.
“That’s what you’re so upset about?” He asked, and when Jisung looked at him, his eyes were glimmering with what looked like a shrewd amusement. “We’re your friends.” Jisung said defensively, the words coming out sharper than intended. Felix was rubbing his fingers faster and faster over his earbud cords, eyes darting nervously between them. The front of the car was entirely silent, Woojin keeping his eyes fixed determinedly on the road, and Minho leaning back with his legs still up, watching the two of them quietly.
His response seemed to have thrown Hyunjin, who looked like he was thinking of the best way to say what he wanted to next. “Well...people change, Jisung. We grow up and we grow apart. Just because we were best friends when we were younger doesn’t mean that’s going to be forever. Seungmin’s different than us now. We don’t...work together anymore. He doesn’t fit with the rest of us.”
Jisung laughed, a crackling sound that was too high pitched and grating to really be a laugh. It was all so ridiculous, everything coming out of Hyunjin’s mouth. “‘Us’? What if I’m different than you guys too? Will you ditch me too?” Hyunjin looked uncomfortable now, face hot. “You’re not.” He said, the words a rush.
“How do you know?” Jisung stared at him, daring him to say something he could fight back against. “You just are. Besides, tonight we’ll see for sure.” He immediately looked caught, like he hadn’t meant to let that slip. “What does that mean?” Jisung asked accusingly, then sat back as the realization flooded over him.
“Oh. This is some kind of test.” He said in a monotone voice, noticing how no one would meet his gaze. Felix cleared his throat, jarring in the tension that had settled in the air. “I mean, let’s just have fun tonight. It’s our first high school party together-our group of friends! It’ll be lots of fun!” He was trying to lighten things, but Jisung heard the way he said it ‘our group of friends’. He hadn’t included Seungmin.
“We’re here!” Woojin interrupted brightly, pulling over in front of a jam packed house. Jisung felt the familiar clench in his stomach as he took in the people and the lights and the music, all combining into butterflies making him feel sick. His hand stalled on the door handle, but Felix was waiting to get out, so he pushed it open and walked out onto the grass. Hyunjin had come around the other side, but he just strode past, grabbing Felix’s hand as he did.
Felix waved at Jisung as he was pulled away. “I’ll come find you!” He yelled, giggling as they disappeared into the house. Jisung watched them go, a sadness washing over him as two of his best friends left him together. Woojin had melted into the crowd as well, but Minho lingered for a moment, thumbs tapping the pockets of his ripped jeans.
“Are you going to bolt?” He asked Jisung, eyes focused on him. Jisung glanced back at the car. “I don’t have a ride, or anywhere to go besides home, and I’d rather not go there.” He said with a small shrug, shrinking under the weight of Minho’s beautiful eyes, the messy golden blonde of his hair.
“I guess I’ll see you later, then.” Minho said after a moment, considering Jisung once more. Jisung didn’t have the courage to say; I hope so, even as the words lingered in his mind as Minho left him, too.
He did see Minho later, the junior finding him where he was pressed against the landing in the stairwell, wishing he could fade into the wallpaper. “Having fun?” Jisung turned his head, seeing Minho standing by him, grinning over the rim of his solo cup. He had unraveled a bit, eyeliner smudged and hair swept up rakishly, shirt hanging off his wiry frame and bracelet half clasped.
Jisung shook his head. “Not really.” He admitted. It was exhausting, the music loud and the cheers of people pounding in his head, the smell of alcohol and cheap junk food nauseating. “Guess I really don’t belong in the same crowd as you guys do.” He said with a small smile, but he couldn’t make it real. Minho leaned against the wall beside him, facing him. His eyes were curious, completely focused.
“Oh, and, um, thanks for saying that earlier. For telling Felix and Hyunjin not to drink. I appreciate it.” He added after thinking for a while. Minho nodded, crushing his cup in his hand. He must have drunk all of it, but he didn’t look really intoxicated. In fact, his eyes were still bright and alert.
“You looked worried, like you really cared about them. I figured I’d help you out.” He said with a shrug. “We really do have a performance on Sunday, but drinking on a Friday night wouldn’t matter that much.” He caught Jisung’s eyes on his cup, lifting it up. “It’s just juice. I don’t drink either.” Jisung must have looked curious, because Minho continued on. “I don’t like the taste, and I have personal reasons, like it seems you do.”
Looking away, Jisung avoided the way he was silently asking him if he wanted to tell him what they were. Felix, Hyunjin, and Seungmin were the only ones who understood and knew, and Jisung intended to keep it that way. He didn’t want to give anyone else ammunition they could use against him, spreading his personal life around like Hyunjin had almost did in the car. He still couldn’t believe how close Hyunjin had been to saying the words none of them had ever voiced. Maybe they had changed, changed so much that Jisung could hardly recognize them.
“You know,” Minho started, twirling his bracelet around his wrist. “I’ve been noticing you, before I knew you were Hyunjin and Felix’s friend. I think you’re cool.” Jisung tried not to let his utter shock and surprise show on his face as Minho shyly looked down, cheeks a light pink now. “You’re always walking with your earbuds in like you don’t notice or care about anything else, like you’re in this different world. Kind of like how I feel when I dance, that feeling you want to keep bottled up forever.”
The words washed over Jisung, soft and soothing. His heart was starting to flutter, pounding faster in his chest. “You’re brave, courageous-you’re not afraid to stand up for your friends, and you’re loyal to them. You have morals, and you know them well. The opposite of me, really, but that only makes me admire you more.”
Jisung finally met his gaze, Minho’s eyes kaleidoscoping in the disco lights. “Really?” He asked, thinking back to the first time he had seen Minho-that day in the hallway when Hyunjin had pointed and told him that was where he wanted to be. He remembered taking in the soft, wavy brown hair, the slim nose and crinkled eyes as he laughed, how he walked like he was remembering how he danced, holding himself strong. He remembered thinking, in a mix of disgust and awe, that it was like everything circled around him like he was the sun, people collapsing under that smile. He also remembered the thought he had shoved away, knowing he was staring at the person who was going to take away everything he had-that he wanted that smile to be directed at him, just once.
Minho nodded, and that smile was meant for Jisung, and it made him feel like everything was a little bit better, at least in that moment. And when Minho leaned forward and kissed him, lips soft, Jisung couldn’t help but return it, feeling everything fade away from him as bare skin brushed his.
Then Minho pulled back, the cup having dropped from his fingers, and his grin was brighter and bigger-more real-than Jisung had ever seen, a genuine one meant just for him, not his school and performance smile that was meant for everyone. His shirts neckline was a little too wide, slipping towards the edges of his shoulders, and as Jisung drank in the curve of his collarbone, he noticed the edges of a purpling bruise spreading over the back of his shoulder.
“What’s that?” He asked, moving forward, but Minho turned, adjusting his shirt so that it was covered. “I made a mistake during dancing and fell, so I hurt it. I didn’t know it was going to bruise that badly.” He explained, sticking out his tongue the tiniest bit. Jisung nodded, but the magic of the kiss was fading and the uneasy one returning as he thought about it more.
Putting on a smile, his fake one this time, Minho said; “Well, I won’t be all hopeful and say that I’ll see you again, since I doubt things are going to turn out that way, but I do like you, Jisung. So just remember that, okay?” He tapped Jisung’s temple, quirked an eyebrow, and Jisung managed to nod before he vanished up the stairs.
Later, at Hyunjin’s house, Jisung lay on the bed and waited for Felix to come out of the bathroom and turn off the light. His mind was reeling, the night replaying as he slowly rewound the moments he wished had never happened and the one he wished would happen again. He regretted everything he had said in the car, how he had pushed it too far, but he couldn’t forget how Hyunjin had responded, how Felix had said nothing.
Then there was Minho and the kiss and what he had said, which made Jisung suppress a smile. He knew Minho was right when he had said they probably wouldn’t see each other again, but it still made his lips tingle. Even if half of what he had said were lies; you’re brave and courageous, you’re loyal, like you don’t notice or care about anything; they still made his cheeks flush at the memory.
The bathroom light flicked out, and Jisung stilled as the floorboards creaked, then the bed as Felix settled in next to him. “Are you still awake?” He whispered, and Jisung turned his head, enough to see how his hair fanned out across the white pillow, his form under the blanket. “Yeah.” He whispered into the darkness, looking up at the ceiling. This had been always been their room, the room they all slept in when they spent the nights, and they had stuck many glow in the dark stars all over the ceiling. Jisung could clearly remember how they had stood on the bed and stretched, jumping to stick it and then falling apart in giggles.
It had been Jisung who had caused it, whispering one night that he was scared of the dark and the monsters. Even as a child, he had meant it in a more literal way than more children did-the monster who would walk beneath him and stop at his door, the monster who smashed plates and screamed at him, but they hadn’t been old enough to really talk about things like that yet.
Seungmin had suggested it, bringing an entire packet of them with him to the next sleepover, proudly thrusting them in his face and announcing he had found a way to keep the monsters at bay. They had spent the better part of the night figuring out how to arrange them, and even if the pattern was messy, Jisung had still gone to sleep concentrating on those pinpricks of light.
“Can I tell you something?” Felix asked in a hushed tone, and Jisung nodded, knowing he could barely make him out. Felix was quiet for a long time, and Jisung began to wonder if he really hadn’t seen him nod, but then he said quietly; “I kissed Hyunjin.” Jisung’s eyes opened more, and he looked over at him. Of all the things he had been expecting Felix to say, it hadn’t been that.
“Do you...like each other?” Jisung finally asked, swallowing. His heart was slamming against his ribcage, and his mouth felt dry. Felix was quiet still, and Jisung was opening his mouth to apologize, when Felix answered; “Yeah. I mean, I like him and I think he likes me.” “Oh.” Jisung said, feeling strange inside. “How long? Have you known, I mean.”
“I don’t know.” Felix whispered, and Jisung tensed when he felt his fingertips brush his hand, tracing circles. He had always done that, tracing shapes and patterns when Jisung felt particularly patterned. “A while, I guess. He’s just amazing, you know?” He smiled, a small but happy smile, and Jisung felt like his throat was closing. “But, um, don’t tell anyone, alright? Especially not Seungmin.” Jisung didn’t know why he had to add that him, but it felt like another hit.
He took his hand back, turning so that his back was facing Felix. “Whatever you want, Lee Felix.” He said in a flat voice, feeling an emptiness wash over him. Then, after a moment, he added; “I guess people really do change, because I don’t know who you are anymore.” He closed his eyes, willing it all to go away, and he heard Felix turn over too, leaving the words hanging in the empty space between them.
The following Monday, Jisung sat with Seungmin at lunch.