Chapter Text
Jinyoung stared at his own reflection in the mirror. His hand moved to touch his face, tracing the soft wrinkles around his eyes. His left eyelid has grown a little hood and he wondered why nobody has told him about it. He lifted the excess skin with his finger and waggled it. For a long time Jinyoung always looked younger than he was. People used to say that he had a baby face and even though he’d never admit it out loud, he secretly liked it. It was one of his favorite compliments. But suddenly all the years had pooled up and he looked his age—forty-five, possibly older. He still couldn’t believe the fact that he was forty-five. He started to aging. It remained him how much time has passed in the blink of an eye.
“What’s wrong with your eye, mom?”
Jinyoung blinked his eyes and found his oldest son, Bambam, poked his head into the bathroom and despite the irritation at being spied on, he was happy to see his face.
Bambam had been busy with school and they couldn’t really get a chance to talk. In fact, he hardly talked to his teenage son. Bambam would leave early in the morning and came back home late because he had a lot of activities in and outside of school. It wasn’t like Jinyoung was complaining. He liked the fact that his oldest son was such a productive teenager, doing everything he liked, finding opportunities and seized them with every chance he got, had passion in whatever he did, and always lived his life to the fullest—that’s his number one motto.
And he also had a boyfriend named Yugyeom. They were best friends since diaper and always spent their times together every single day. Yugyeom would pick him up in the morning and took him home safely after a very long day—it was their routine since elementary school. But now that they were officially dating, weekends were their bonding time. It was hard to separate them. Where there was Bambam, there was also Yugyeom.
“Why you didn’t tell me?” Jinyoung demanded.
“Tell you what?”
“About my left eyelid.” Jinyoung said, frowning deeper at his reflection. “It hangs down over my eye.”
“Only a tiny bit. I think it looks fine.”
Jinyoung shot him a look. “It makes me look like a dog. Like your boyfriend’s dog.”
Bambam winced. “Well, a little.”
“See?” he groaned, defeated. “My wrinkles around my eyes used to be my asset because it looked attractive and natural. It was one of my charms. I was born with it and I’m very proud of it. But now I look so old, like grannies. And like a grumpy dog. Is there some cream I can buy?”
“Mom,” he said, letting out a sigh. “It’s not a big deal looking your age. Stop exaggerating things.”
Jinyoung instantly shut his mouth, glancing at Bambam through the mirror. He has been told that middle school was all about experimenting with identity. But Bambam was his bravest, fearless, and the most confident son he ever had. After he turned ten, he didn’t need Jinyoung to baby him again. He was independent and knew exactly what he wanted. It was getting hard to keep up with his teenage son who had his own world. Jinyoung’s heart ached badly at the thoughts of his son didn’t need him anymore.
Sometimes Bambam talked like an adult. His oldest son always had this strange look on his face whenever he talked to Jinyoung, especially when he was overreacting like this. It looked like it took everything in him to talk to his mother, to knock some sense into his head. When he did that, Jinyoung always wondered to himself: was he a difficult person and hard to talk to?
“It’s normal to look your age. You don’t have to buy cream or anything. You look natural, mom.”
Jinyoung literally whined.
“But, it jingles!”
“Right, whatever.” He said, groaning. He held up his hands in a gesture of giving up. That made Jinyoung devastated and he felt that he was indeed a difficult person.
“I have to go, mom. Yugyomie’s waiting outside. Bye!”
And just like that, before Jinyoung could say a single thing in return, Bambam was already gone. Jinyoung sighed, staring at his face again. His son was right. There was nothing he can do about his aging and his excess skin—ugh. He was old.
You have received an instant message from: JINYOUNG
Jinyoung : MARK
Jinyoung : ARE YOU THERE
Jinyoung : PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE THERE I’M GOING CRAZY HERE
Mark : Jinyoung, stop capitalizing each word. You make me dizzy
Jinyoung : I’m old Mark. This morning I stared at my reflection in the mirror and my eyes look like your dog’s.
Mark : Jinyoung, isn’t it too late to have a midlife crisis?
Jinyoung : /cries/ right? I’m getting old. I’m an old man now.
Mark : What do you want me to say?
Jinyoung : /sobs/ I don’t know. Anything. You’re my best friend. You’re supposed to make me feel better. That’s your job.
Mark : /sighs/ Honey, it’s normal okay. You’re forty-five.
Jinyoung : Don’t say it out loud.
Mark : Fine. Whatever.
Jinyoung : When will you come over to visit me? I miss you guys (except Yugyeom because he comes here almost every day. He is Bambam’s boyfriend after all)
Mark : Soon. I have to fly to China today. New photo shoot.
Jinyoung : That’s great honey. Good. Good.
Mark : I’m sorry. I know you’ve been through a lot the past few years.
Jinyoung : Don’t worry. I am a very happy housewife. Currently jobless, but happy nevertheless. My world only revolves around the four walls. And my activities are various and interesting: chores, nap, cooking, reading, writing, that’s it. Very domestic. But it’s my decision to take a break from acting so that’s okay. I am okay.
Mark : Everything is going to be fine honey. And you still have the best peaches I swear. You’re not that old. Don’t worry.
Jinyoung : I know.
Mark : Don’t be sad. Go out. Buy new jeans. And new books.
Jinyoung : No. Too old to move. Just come to visit me soon, honey!
Mark : Soon. Anyway, any plans for your anniversary?
Mark : Hello?
Mark : Jinyoung? Are you still there?
Mark : Don’t ignore me you little shit
Jinyoung : Mark, language. You are a mother and you have two sons.
Mark : So?
Jinyoung : So, what?
Mark : Your anniversary. It’s tomorrow right?
Jinyoung : Yes. I know. I don’t know. I mean I’ll figure something out. Okay. GTG (I’ve learned that from your youngest son by the way)
Ever since his last movie had ended almost a year ago, Jinyoung decided to take a break from acting. He stayed at home, being a full-time housewife. He has been working nonstop since his first debut almost 27 years ago. He wanted to take a break from the entertainment world for a while. It felt good to have a lot of free time and he was able to do something he always wanted to do but couldn’t before.
Now that he stayed at home, his routine had changed. He didn’t have to leave at ungodly hours when his kids were still sleeping or travel for days, sometimes months, to shoot a movie in another city. He devoted his time to his kids and his husband. Now he woke up around 6 in the morning to make breakfast, drop the kids off their school, came back to an empty house and do whatever he wanted to do (Nap, read, nap, nap, read, read—mostly that).
Jinyoung loved the hours between 05:00 and 07:00. The days were getting longer and he got the house to himself; Hyunjin had basketball practice, Bambam was still in school or having a date with Yugyeom, and Jaebum rarely pulled into the driveway before 08:00. Usually after he took a quick nap, he would do a run through the house, feeding Jaebum and Bambam’ cats—they had five cats in the house—, folding clothes, de-cluttering, and then he would cook for dinner. His cooking skill was getting better now. But he wasn’t a fancy cook. That’s Jaebum’s department. Honestly Jinyoung hated cooking but a few months after Bambam was born, Jinyoung knew he had to learn how to cook because Jaebum didn’t always at home and he would never let his kids starve.
When the clock strike at 06:00, the front door was flung open and Hyunjin yelled, “I NEED TO PEE.”
Jinyoung looked up and found his youngest son barged in, speed-walking to the bathroom. His hair messy and his shirt was drench with sweat it clung to his body like a second skin. He threw his bag to the floor and it fell with a loud thud. Hyunjin had a thing about not using the bathroom at school, so he held it all day. Jinyoung wondered how he managed to do that. He was forty-five, old and tired, and it was impossible for him to do something like that. How wonderful it is to be young.
Another reason why Jinyoung loved the hours was that that was when the empty house filled back up again and within 30 minutes all of his de-cluttering was for naught. For some reason that gave him pleasure.
Jinyoung turned off the television and got up from his seat, picking up Hyunjin’s bag as he walked to the kitchen.
“Where’s your brother?”
“EATING YUGYEOM’S FACE IN THE DOORWAY. GROSS.” He yelled from the bathroom.
Before Jinyoung could say something, Bambam walked into the kitchen and made a face.
“It’s hyung for you, Im Hyunjin,” Bambam said, clearly not amused with his brother’s behavior. “Yugyeom is older than you. You need to respect him. And no, we’re not eating each other’s face in the doorway.”
Hyunjin opened the bathroom’s door with a loud bang and grinned like a cat. Sometimes his youngest son liked a dramatic entrance.
“Never.” He said, his face was smug.
Bambam narrowed his eyes at his brother. “How disrespectful.”
“Whatever.”
When you told Hyunjin not to do something, then he would definitely do it. He was very mischievous. Jinyoung could only shake his head and sighed.
“Hyunjinie, listen to your brother. It’s rude, baby.”
Hyunjin pouted at his mother.
“I’m not a baby.”
Jinyoung’s heart broke a little but he didn’t say anything in return. Hyunjin left the kitchen without saying anything. Bambam snorted.
“He is so annoying.”
“He’s eleven.”
“I’m not like that when I’m eleven.” He said. And then he left too and Jinyoung was again.
But he was right.
Bambam and Hyunjin was so different. Bambam was realistic, smart, funny, brave, creative, and a very sassy boy—he hated to admit it but Bambam definitely got it from him because his husband was nothing but a sweetheart. Bambam had a baby face but he acted like an adult: responsible and dependable. Jinyoung always worried about him because he secretly wished Bambam could be a little bit loose and cheerful like kids his age. Just a year ago Bambam and he were so close. Now he treated Jinyoung like he did his brother—as a family member who must be tolerated. Jinyoung tried to appear nonchalant about it but deep down he wanted him to slow down a little bit.
And then there’s Hyunjin. His twelve-year-old son, Hyunjin. He was a dreamer. A normal eleven years old kid and Jinyoung was beyond thankful. His youngest was noisy, lazy, and messy. He nagged, whined, and complained a lot. But Hyunjin was a very sweet and kind kid, just like his father. He needed attention and Jinyoung was more than willing to give him that. Hyunjin still needed him, that’s what Jinyoung liked the most about his eleven years old son. Even though sometimes Hyunjin could be very mischievous, Jinyoung preferred him that way.
Being 45 was something new for Jinyoung. Everything was fine. Jinyoung liked to think like that. His led a normal and happy life. He had beautiful sons, difficult and hyperactive sometimes but he couldn’t ask for more. He was grateful for what he had. But one morning when he woke up and stared at his own reflection in the mirror, he knew something was missing.
And the next thing he knew, they drifted.
When Jinyoung woke up at 11:30, he was groggy and dazed. He blinked his eyes and stared at the empty spot beside him. It’s late and Jabum hadn’t come home yet. Jaebum always came home late these past few months. He was working on a new album for a boy group. After JJ Project disbanded many years ago, Jaebum decided to work as a songwriter and producer meanwhile Jinyoung chose to pursue his dream as an actor.
Jinyoung couldn’t go back to sleep so he decided to wait for his husband in the living room. He didn’t really remember when the last time he waited for his husband. Usually when Jinyoung woke up in the middle of the night and found his husband wasn’t there with him, he would simply go back to sleep. He didn’t know when it started but he’d stopped waiting for his husband.
Jinyoung sat on the couch and turned on the television. After a few minutes had passed, he heard a small meow across the room. Nora showed up from behind the loveseat, jumping happily into Jinyoung’s lap.
“Hey bug,” Jinyoung cooed, nuzzling her face. He scratched Nora’s ears gently. “Couldn’t sleep?”
He got a small meow as an answered and smiled.
“Me too,” he sighed. “Your dad isn’t home yet. Do you want to wait here with me?”
Nora nuzzled his face in Jinyoung’s hand and that little gesture made his smile widened.
“Aaw, you’re so cute.”
Nora was Jaebum’s first cat. Jaebum took her from the shelter shortly after they moved into this house, couple months after they got married. At first, Nora never really liked Jinyoung and he didn’t really care about her because he wasn’t really a cat person. He’d never spent time with Nora alone and blatantly ignored her. But after Bambam and Hyunjin could run and walk without any help, Jaebum decided to bring other stray cats at home; Kunta and Odd. They were small and squishy and the kids adored them more than the old and grumpy Nora.
Jaebum was so busy with works that he didn’t really have time to care about little things anymore, including his cats. And because Jinyoung had a lot of free time and jobless at the moment, he started to play more with Nora and soon they created a strong bond. As the kids got older, it’s getting hard to keep up with them. They had their own world and Jinyoung felt lonely. The past year had been like having a toddler in the house again and Jinyoung had loved every minute of it. Nora’s grumpy and moody personality matched Jinyoung’s. She was Jinyoung’s baby, a daughter he would never have.
“Jinyoung?”
Jinyoung almost jumped in his seat when he heard Jaebum’s deep and rough voice. He turned around and found his husband looking at him confusedly. He clearly didn’t expect Jinyoung to wait for him.
“Hi, Jaebum,” Jinyoung said, trying to sound smooth. “You’re home.”
“It’s late. What are you doing here?”
Waiting for you, obviously. “Couldn’t sleep.”
“Oh.”
Yeah, oh. That stung.
It wasn’t the correct answer. The correct answer was: there was a time not so long ago when Jinyoung would wake up in the middle of the night and was so worried when he couldn’t find his husband beside him. He would go downstairs, waiting for his husband to come home. Jaebum would get mad when he found Jinyoung still awake at ungodly hours because he knew his husband was tired and needed a lot of sleep. Jinyoung would argue that he’d prefer waiting for Jaebum than sleeping alone. Jaebum would carry him to the bedroom and they would kiss, slow and tender, sometimes messy and deep tongue, and then they would fall asleep in each other’s arms, feeling incredibly happy.
But that was a very long, long time ago.
“How’s work?” Jinyoung asked, wanting to change the sullen mood.
Jaebum nodded.
“Good.”
“Good.” He repeated.
Jaebum didn’t approach him. He walked straight to the kitchen. Jinyoung stared at his back, his favorite back. Jaebum pushed the hair back from his eyes, a gesture Jinyoung knew so well and for a moment he saw the young boy that he was, and remembered the day he first met him at JYPE’s building during an open audition. The years they spent together, their trainee days, the years as JJ Project, and the years they had spent as a married couple. Everything was colliding, past and present and future. Jinyoung blinked. He looked at the clock. It read 12:10. 24th May. Thursday.
“Jaebum?”
“Hmm?” he answered without looking at Jinyoung. He has been avoiding eye contact and Jinyoung hated it. He swallowed and griped Nora so tight she squealed angrily and scratched his wrist. See? She was very grumpy.
Jinyoung inhaled slowly before speaking again.
“It’s our anniversary.”
Jinyoung could see from where he’s sitting how Jaebum’s body went stiff. He looked up and stared at Jinyoung. He looked at the calendar on the wall. And then he turned to Jinyoung again.
“Right,” he swallowed, staring at Jinyoung with unbearable expressions. Jinyoung couldn’t decipher it and it made him frustrated.
“It’s today.”
Jinyoung nodded woodenly. “Today.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.” Jinyoung repeated in an emotionless tone. “Eighteen years as a married couple.”
Jaebum sighed deeply and Jinyoung didn’t know if it was a good sign or not.
“Eighteen years.”
A silence.
Jinyoung stared at Jaebum.
Jaebum stared back at Jinyoung.
They didn’t say anything, just staring at each other’s eyes. No hugs. No kisses. No anniversary sex. Nothing. Not even a smile.
Jinyoung wanted to say something to Jaebum. Something so he knew that there’s something wrong with their marriage. Something was missing and wasn’t right. He wanted to say to Jaebum that they were at the edge, unreachable, and disconnected. Someone had to do something to save their marriage. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. He just couldn’t.
“Happy anniversary, Jinyoung.” Jaebum said, his voice softened.
Jinyoung just nodded as he got up from the couch with Nora in his arms.
“Happy anniversary, Jaebum.” He said, this time it’s him who avoided his gaze. “I’m going to bed. Are you coming with me?”
“Later.”
Jinyoung nodded.
“Good night, Jaebum.”
“Good night, Jinyoung.”
That night, Jaebum didn’t come to their room and the next morning Jinyoung found him sleep on the couch.