Work Text:
Logan woke with a start, bolting upright in bed with wide eyes and his heart beating rapidly. He scrubbed a hand over his face, his eyes settling on the clock positioned on his bedside table.
3:00 a.m. God, it felt like he had just gotten to sleep. He sat there in the darkness for a moment suddenly becoming aware of how cold he felt. He felt like he was missing something, something he desperately needed and for one of the few times, didn't understand what was going on. Until he did, and the realization hit him with its full force.
Virgil was gone.
They'd been studying together at Logan's place for an upcoming test, just a usual get together that was void of Roman and Patton because the pair had a date and wouldn't have been any use in this particular field anyway, not that their company wouldn't have been appreciated. Both Logan and Virgil had a phycology test quickly approaching, and in all honesty, Logan was a little nervous about the exam. This felt strange to admit, considering Logan was just about the most intelligent student in most of his classes, many of his peers having a difficult time keeping up with him academically. He was smart, astute, and boasted a vocabulary and maturity level well beyond his years. And even so, with how scholarly he was, Logan had an extremely hard time relating to other people, and though Phycology was only his minor, he intended to pass this test with flying colors.
Dealing with emotions in general, in fact, was something he seemed to know almost nothing about. He was in no means a touchy-feely person, never being able to grasp the importance or meaning behind many feelings, and so forming friendships and understanding others and or himself for that matter proved challenging. He was very much a social outcast, confused and baffled by societies interworkings. Hell, he couldn't even keep up with the rapidly changing lingo and slang terms that individuals were constantly busting out. What in the name of God did "lit" mean? Why would you want to shorten the word family to "fam"? Though he produced a countless number of flashcards to study and help him relate to his peers, it proved mostly ineffective and at many times he felt like he was on the outside looking in. Because of this being so, Logan didn't have a ton of companions. However, the ones that he did have were all misfits in their own unique ways, much like himself.
Roman Prince was a dreamer, and though in many that was an admirable trait, his friend took it to a level that made him, at times, a nuisance. He constantly referred to himself as a "Prince" and no, he wasn't speaking of his last name, but rather some sort of a form of a monarch, which he indeed was not. He wanted to become an actor and live out his fanciful dreams, and though Logan was no fan of the theater or understand it all that well, he had to admit that Roman was an exceptional actor, or at least according to what was considered exceptional theatrically. He could never really be sure. Though he was highly respected in the college's drama-department as well as idolized for some of the roles he'd come to play, his company was not enjoyed by everyone. He was loud, sung every chance he got, was quick to roast people and, assumedly, was highly self-absorbed. With this being so, it was clear he wasn't Logan's sort of a person to associate with and be that as it may the pair through time had grown into good friends, brought together by the others. They had their petty arguments but at the end of the day respected one another and took great joy in the other's company.
Patton Foster was just about the most cheerful person Logan had ever met. He was bubbly, incessantly kind, and was constantly firing off "dad jokes" and insufferable puns that were very much non-stop. No matter your age you would be dubbed "kiddo" to him, try as you might get him not to do so. All in all, he was an extremely kind and thoughtful person, one of the best that Logan had come to know, but unfortunately, not all saw him for all the good that he provided but rather as someone who was different. Being unlike most and almost impossibly good-hearted, not all understood Patton for who he was. Even Logan didn't fully grasp Patton's sunny disposition, not always understanding his unconventionality (and admiration for cats; he was terribly allergic, after all) but even so he highly appreciated his friendship and cared for him much like a brother.
Though not all understood him, Patton was lucky to not only be companions with them but also be in a lovely, sometimes a little too lovey-dovey relationship with Roman. Hell, perhaps Logan would be so inclined to say that Patton was the lucky one. What could he say, it made total sense that the two got along so well. They were both fun-loving and had more than enough love to give. Roman was romantically charged, and Patton adored his "Prince" so much that their public displays of affection, though heartwarming and adorable, were sometimes rather insistent. Logan truly didn't mind all too much though, because, despite everything, he cared deeply for his friends.
Especially Virgil.
Virgil Storm was his third friend in their band of misfits, and one who seemed to be an enigma to Logan. He, unlike Roman and Patton, was not someone who relied heavily on emotions and expelling love and admiration, in fact, the first time Logan had originally met the boy he had hissed at him. Granted, it had been rather late, one night and he had approached him in the school's library when Virgil was in the midst of a research paper and was on about his fourth or fifth coffee, but still, he has hissed much like that of a feline. Virgil was the last of them to join their friend group, introduced to the others by Logan of all people. Though they had not quite gotten off on the right foot in the beginning, Virgil soon proved to be very different than he originally appeared.
The boy was, unlike his other friends, reserved and cautious. He wasn't loud, he wasn't brash, and he wasn't one to smother you with attention. He was quiet, gentle, and someone who kept carefully yet cared about those he was close to just the same. He was someone that he could sit silently with doing their own sperate activities and they would both respect the distance. Someone who shared his love of knowledge and who wanted to learn about the world, someone who he could teach. He'd never had a person to fill that sort of a role in his life and in all honesty, he was overcome with gratitude.
With all of these overwhelming positives that Virgil posed, there were also a great many negatives that were encompassed within him. Virgil was riddled with terrible anxiety, making panic attacks a commonality, emotional and frightening instances that required his friends to be hands-on and assist him. That part always frightened Logan, though he would never admit to it. Seeing Virgil crying, shaking, terrified and not thinking clearly was something that simply rattled Logan to his very core. He hated seeing his friend this way, especially with how frequent it was and how prevalent his anxiety was in general. Virgil dealt with a lot emotionally, bottling it up most of the time and not wanting to face it with the others. There were many instances where he was altogether quiet and unwilling to communicate his fears, and in all honesty, that was okay for Logan. He too kept his emotions hidden away and did not want to allow others to the examine and understand them. If he didn't understand them himself, the idea of someone else being able to seem preposterous. He didn't want to let them try.
Even with the problems that arose due to Virgil's anxieties and the depression that he was working through, with the help of a stellar therapist by the name of Dr. Emelie Picani, whose practices though strange and childlike deemed wonderful results, Logan found himself relishing in the fact that he had someone close to him who understood the struggles of relating to people and dealing with the issues of emotions. The relatability was immense and assisted him greatly in the workings of navigating who he was and how he behaved in the world. He couldn't ask for a better person to call his friend.
And yet ... his mind was at work with something dangerous; feelings. Believe you me, he had tried to banish those blasted things long ago but had found himself painfully unsuccessful. In all honesty, many people he came into contact with truly believed he didn't have any. It couldn't be bothered, he supposed, as he was seen most times as very cold and analytical. He didn't have the chipper, happy-go-lucky attitude of most and behaved, as many saw it, like an emotionless robot. He wanted to pretend like that didn't hurt. Though upsetting, it seemed like it would be far easier if he was one; because then this damned crush wouldn't exist.
It was true, hellish as it may be, it was true. Logan liked Virgil. He hadn't had a "crush" since his years in elementary school, and even then, it wasn't real, because at that time it was on girls. Back in a simple existence where he thought that he liked girls and, like everyone expected, would one day settle down with one, marry her, and raise children with his wife. That was a time when he thought that if he just behaved a certain way he could be liked by others and fit in.
Nowadays that was no longer his point of focus, shuddering at the thought. He'd told himself for a long time that though he now understood his romantic attractions, perhaps he just wouldn't ever have any. Love, as it seemed, was not in the cards for Logan. He didn't need someone else to be happy, he reminded himself, he was perfectly capable of having a fulfilling life and career without being tied down to anyone. And besides, who would he find who would appreciate intelligence and the wonders of knowledge? Who would be able to overlook his cold demeanor and understand that he did have feelings, understand them or not? No one, he'd decided. No one would fill that role.
With this vow to himself, he still managed to through many painful months deduce that he was falling for the boy with the sweatshirt and eye-makeup. Because despite his flaws, Virgil was simply extraordinary. He was so smart, grasping things so much better than most he knew. He was hungry for knowledge, talking with Logan for hours and hours about the universe and the beauty if the stars and the planets. He was someone who he finally understood, and someone who's company was some of the best to share. And, though Logan didn't usually fuss with the ideas of beauty that humans so often absorbed themselves with, he was wholly enraptured by how very beautiful Virgil was. His skin was pale like moonlight in the evening and his brown eyes were so gorgeous, two orbs he was sure he could stare into for hours. His purple fringed hair was swept back in his bangs that framed his thin face perfectly. Logan was fairly sure he was the most beautiful person he had ever laid his eyes upon, and he had deduced that it was possibly killing him.
He didn't know how to handle these overwhelming emotions, didn't know what he was supposed to do to ease the searing pain or how to make his heart stop beating so rapidly every time Virgil entered a room. He couldn't talk about this attraction with anyone else either; Roman and Patton would be far too excited if he confessed to them. Telling the man himself was off the table altogether. There was no outcome he could see Virgil reciprocating his affections, it was simply impossible, and so he suffered alone, painfully. He was sure he could make it bearable by reminded himself that he had a good friend who was a very positive impact on his life, but no such luck. It didn't make things better. He felt as if he was crawling in his skin.
Even so, he had to soldier on and try his best at ignoring the feelings as much as he could, and perhaps, with time, they would simply shrivel and die. Logan and Virgil's study date had been set at Logan's dorm – he was fortunate not to be stuck with any dormmates making a wonderful place to hang out free of noise or irritation – and had gone surprisingly well. Virgil truly had been a great help to alleviate his uncertainties with the subject and by the end of it, he was fairly sure he would ace his quiz. Thank god Virgil was studying phycology as well, he often thought to himself. It was interesting to think that Virgil was someone who also dealt with difficulty with emotions, but he was working on it, learning about it. He was trying, and maybe that was something that pushed Logan to try too. With time left over and Virgil suggesting they just hand out a while, the pair decided that having a couple of beers wouldn't be the end of them and so they cracked open a few.
Logan wasn't usually a drinker, neither was Virgil, or at least they didn't use to be, but it seemed a cheap way to loosen up when done in moderation and they both found that if it was just them together they remained rather level-headed. Allowing Patton to have one was a no go, it produced dreadful results. Roman just got louder while under the influence, and that was also rather irritating. They didn't drink often so doing it together, being people who didn't get Roundy when intoxicated, they found there was no harm in it.
It seemed that harm hadn't been the end result, though. They'd gotten buzzed, hadn't had enough to be full out drunk, but phased by the liquored, when things had gotten out of hand. The pair had been watching some television and sitting beside each other on the sofa. It had been rather relieving to have finished their studies in the evening and be able to relax, but it hasn't taken long for things to feel strange. Logan had become hyper-aware of how close they were sitting, the way Virgil's knee was pressed against his own, Virgil's head practically resting on Logan's shoulder. It made his heart beat quickly and face flush – thank god the lights had been turned out – and he didn't know how much longer he would be able to put up with his friend so close to him because, god damn it, at this point he wanted to just scoop Virgil up in his arms and hold him and never let go.
God, he hated the way his thoughts were torturing him so. He despised the way that he had grown to need Virgil, too long to call him his own. He was supposed to be self-sufficient, to need and depend on only himself but now ... now he didn't know what to do or what would become of him.
In all honesty, he'd expected that perhaps he would be the one to break, their faces were only inches apart after all. They'd turned off the televise and had been talking quietly when Logan had realized just how near to each other they were, the way he could feel Virgil's breath ghost his face and how even underneath his makeup he could see the emo's face flushing slightly. He had commanded himself to distance himself, to retreat and to get away and then perhaps he could dig himself into a hole and die in peace.
What played out next, though, was absolutely nothing like he thought it would. With a moment of hesitation, Virgil had surged forward, connecting his chapped lips to Logan's. Logan still couldn't figure out why he'd done it, why he'd kissed him so perfectly or why he'd tangled his hand in his hair, but whatever the reason, Logan had kissed back with just as much passion. The moment it had started it was like a switch had been flipped; Logan was no longer hesitant or why about his emotions and neither was Virgil. They both let loose, unquestioningly and completely willing. There was never a moment of hesitance, the passion that enveloped their bodies like the heat of a flame being far more persuasive than any logic.
That night a great many things had played out. Virgil had kissed Logan, and in a moment of power struggle, Logan had become in control and steered the kiss, becoming for one of the first times in his life dominant and in control. They had kissed each other as if they were the last people on earth like they had nothing to lose. In the late hours of the night, they had taken each other, ravaged one another until there was little left. Logan's name had been screamed again and again like a mantra of gratification that wasn't sure he'd ever get out of his head, the sound possibly the most beautiful in all the world. The two had fallen asleep together, tangled in each other's embrace.
And now Virgil was gone.
Logan pulled the blankets off, his mind running miles as he scrambled to throw some clothes on over his boxers, opting for the only casual clothing he had, sweatpants and a T-shirt as well as slipping on his glasses that had been set on the nightstand. His blood ran cold with regret as the realization of the severity of what he had done set in. He, someone who was praised for his intelligence and logical thinking, had been responsible for that. How could he possibly have allowed things to get to such an extreme point without so much as discussing boundaries? What kind of a fool had he become?! What had he done to Virgil, someone so fragile, so incredibly special? He didn't know but intended to find out.
He prayed that Virgil hadn't gone too far so that he would have a chance to explain himself, or at the very least apologize for his actions. He was just about to go and slip his shoes on, heading out of his bedroom and into the living room when he found him curled in on himself sitting on the sofa. Logan's heart stopped.
There Virgil sat, wound up into a ball with his head tucked between his legs and arms curled around himself, his body trembling terribly. His jeans from the evening before had been put back on and he was once again wearing his signature hoodie, an object of comfort for him, much like a security blanket. He looked so wounded, so afraid and Logan shrunk in on himself. He racked his brain to say something, anything that could justify what had gone on, but nothing came. Finally, after a long moment of hesitance, he settled for his name.
"V-Virgil?" He croaked out, his voice coming out far weaker than he would have liked. The moment the quiet word was uttered Virgil's head snapped up and tearful eyes met Logan's as he shuddered, pulling himself further away. He didn't speak, sniffling and holding himself tighter. Logan felt his heartbreak as he slowly approached Virgil, cautious not to frighten him as he sat down beside him on the sofa. "Virgil, I believe we need to talk," Logan sighed.
"T-that's one way to put it," Virgil choked out, weakly. He rubbed his eyes, looking away. Logan felt a lump form in his throat. He sighed deeply, looking straight ahead, unprepared to face Virgil's tear-filled eyes.
"Virgil ... I ... I'm so sorry for what happened. I never intended to - no - that isn't to say that I didn't want to – shit. No, no that – that didn't seem to come out correctly, I -."
"Logan, stop." Virgil's voice was firm, but there was an uncertain weakness that it held, as if at any moment he could break. Logan's breath caught in the back of his throat as he finally turned to look at Virgil and see the pain behind his eyes, eyes that for once were void of their usual eyeshadow. To see the fear. He wasn't sure if he'd ever felt more despicable for something. "What happened ... shouldn't have. We – we need to forget about it. Both of us. It's the only way to make this work," Virgil concluded, sniffling and trying to stop his tears from coming. He was unsuccessful. Logan blinked, a pang of something strange inside of him. He willed himself to nod along and agree, this is what Virgil said he wanted, after all. He should comply and allow himself to drop it but try as he did, he just couldn't stay silent.
"Virge ... do ... do you regret what happened? Fully?" He knew it was out of line, god damn it, he knew that this wasn't the kind of question he should be asking his friend right now, but he couldn't help himself. Curiosity was a powerful force, and if he didn't know the answer he might go crazy trying to figure it out for himself.
"I ...... of course, I do! Don't you? Y-you must!" But by the hesitance in his voice, the way his eyes twinkled with confliction Logan didn't trust the answer fully, and in all honesty, he didn't think it was simply his infatuation that was holding him back. He took a deep breath before looking deeply into his friends' eyes, making him shudder.
"Virgil I am not sure that I truly do regret what occurred between us. Though I agree that us copulating was not the most intelligent idea –."
"You fucking think so?!" Virgil hissed brokenly, a reminder to Logan that it was imperative that he proceeded with more caution.
"Right ..." he muttered, "But I mean, I ... I didn't hate it. It wasn't terrible and I-." Virgil sniffled, pulling his hood over his face, Logan noticing a bit of a blush spreading across the emo's face. Logan made a point not to make it obvious that he'd seen, he was already digging himself into a hole.
"Thanks a ton, Logan. I'm so happy that sex between us "wasn't terrible" and that you "didn't hate it." You sure know how to make a guy feel special," he muttered, curling in on himself.
Logan's mind was running in circles, the prominent thought being something along the lines of FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. He knew he was handling this all wrong, knew that he needed to fix this somehow and express what it was he was trying to say but it was so hard. And Logan, for what felt like was one of the first times, was frightened. Because admitting the truth took more emotions than he ever wanted to express and took a courage that he wasn't sure if he had. He couldn't find the logic behind his feelings and there was no sure way to tell if they would be reciprocated. This could very well hurt Logan badly, he knew this well and it filled him with uncertainty. Even so, he knew that deep down he needed to do this, had needed to do this for some time now.
"Virgil, this – isn't coming out right. I'm sorry, sorry that I don't know how to express what I'm feeling. I want to, b-but I don’t know how. It's just ... so hard sometimes. A-and I know it shouldn't be. Other people are so good at it, Patton and Roman a-and ... I'm not."
Virgil had stopped sniffling, poking his head out of hoodie to see that Logan's eyes were shimmering with tears that he was willing himself not to cry. Virgil had only seen Logan cry once; he had been incredibly sleep-deprived, and his exhaustion had turned into frustration which had morphed into sorrow. But this was different, these weren't angry tears. He seemed so much less put together than he usually did, but it might've been that he wasn't wearing his tie and the usual polo shirt. In fact, it was rather strange to see Logan in sweatpants and a T-shirt. But even with the wardrobe change, that wasn't what was making Logan appear this way. It was the fact that Virgil noticed that like himself, Logan's body was trembling and the way that his eyes glistened with tears. He’d never seen Logan look so frightened, and that was something that caught him off guard.
“Logan …?” And he wanted to say more, to express his concerns and explain that he didn’t know what to say.
“I’m trying, though,” he cut in through a watery laugh, his voice shaking just about as much as he was, “Truly I am. And I don’t know why it’s so goddamn hard for me to admit that …” he squeezed his eyes shut tight and gripped at the sofa, his knuckles turning white as he held out a trembling breath and spoke once more,” … I love you. Fuck, Virgil, I love you so much. I-I never meant to hurt you. I would never ever want to do anything to upset you, because you’re special, so incredibly important to me and to think, e-even for a moment that I … I might have ruined that. I-it kills me. It k-k-kills me Virgil.” And in all honesty, he didn’t realize his “crush” had been much more than that until the words had come to him. The tears were flowing freely now, cascading down his face in ripples. Logan’s body was racked with a sob as he continued to glue his eyes shut, unprepared to face his friends’ eyes because, goddamn it, he’d said it and now he didn’t know where that left them. He was in the dark.
“A-are … are you telling the truth?” The words had been spoken meekly and with great caution after a beat of silence between them filled with only Logan’s crying. He’d been desperately trying to pull himself together because, logically it was irrational to bawl like a child, but his reasoning had really done him no use and he had continued to shake with sobs. He peaked his head up from his hands where his face had been buried to look through tear-filled eyes and see Virgil sitting straight up and looking at him softly, with traces of fear. Logan clenched his teeth and tried to take a deep breath, managing a nod.
“Y-yes,” he rasped out, weakly, “Completely and wholly. I never w-wanted to hurt you, V-Virgil. I can’t a-apologize enough.” Virgil had paused, regaining his composure for several uneasy seconds before he reached out a hand and placed it on Logan’s shoulder, testing the waters. The Logical man flinched.
“So … you love me? Me? You didn’t have sex with me just to get off or something? It's … genuine? What you're saying?” Logan sat up a little straighter, nodding surely and snuffling though he didn’t move Virgil’s hand.
“As genuine as I know how to manage. I would never do something like that to someone … a-as special as you for the hell of it. I promise I have more respect for you than that. I-I know I didn’t do anything to show it, b-but I swear –!” Logan’s trembling words were cut off by Virgil suddenly launching himself at Logan, tackling him in a hug much to Patton or Roman fashion. Logan was left winded and confused as Virgil buried his face in his chest and holding tight, seeming to be smiling against him. Why was he smiling? Had something Logan said been unintentionally funny? He didn’t understand. “Virgil …? What’re you –.”
“Shut up, specs. Damn it, you should have lead with that. Do you even understand how scared you got me?” Logan blinked, adjusting his glasses while taking in the fact that yes, Virgil was clung to his midsection with his arms wraps around his waist and face nestled in his chest.
“I-I don’t … I don’t quite understand.” Virgil peaked up at him and yep, he was smiling alright. The tears from his eyes had since dried and in many ways that only confused Logan further, he looked somewhat relieved.
“Logan, you’re a real smart guy but, god, you can be so fucking bone-headed sometimes.” Logan blinked, feeling a bit of anger well up inside of himself.
“I-I beg y-your pardon!” Logan sputtered out, only making Virgil chuckle, seeming to have gained his bearings as he leaned upwards and pressed a chaste kiss to Logan’s cheek, making him turn about a billion shades redder.
“I love you too, dipshit. So, so much and I … I didn’t think that you felt the same way. In fact, I was very sure that you didn’t, but I don’t know, I just got impulsive a-and I kissed you, but you kissed back and, god I guess I just let go and accepted that I was ruining everything we’d ever had.” Logan sat upwards, wide-eyed while Virgil laid curled up in his lap. The logical man’s heart leapt in his chest.
“Y-you could never ruin it. Never. I just … I can’t believe this,” Logan said, scrubbing a hand over his face. “You love me back? How in the world is this possible? How could I be this lucky?” Virgil smiled widely, hugging Logan close again and laying him back down.
“Don’t get all sentimental on me now, Lo,” he whispered and even so, he pressed a quick but fulfilling kiss to Logan’s lips.
“Never,” Logan mused, having stopped crying as he laid in the darkness with Virgil’s arms wrapped around him.
“So … we love each other?” Virgil asked after a long moment of silence, though it appeared he was simply saying it to point it out. Logan nodded against him.
“Evidently so, yes.”
“Well … what does that make us? Boyfriends?” Logan took a deep breath, carding his hands through Virgil’s hair in the darkened room.
“If that’s what you want, but I must confess that being your boyfriend is something I would really like to make happen.” Virgil nestled a bit closer, arching himself so that he was spooning Logan on the sofa.
“Same," he breathed out, "So, boyfriends then?”
“Yes. God, yes.” Logan said, trying to contain his excitement, though Virgil could see right through that. “So, next order of business is to tell Roman and Patton that we’ve gotten together?” Virgil nodded, humming in agreement.
“Of course. Oh, but let’s leave out the part where we fucked, k?” Logan snorted, feeling his face flush.
“Well, that goes without saying …” Virgil chuckled sleepily, hugging Logan close to him.
“I’m just yanking your chain, dude. Clam down.” Logan groaned irritably before letting out a weary yawn. “Tired, Lo?” Logan made a noise of agreement and Virgil grinned, pulling the blanket that had been draped over the sofa over the both of them, snuggling a bit closer to Logan, as it had been silently decided that the couch was where they would stay. The two drifted to slumber, huddled close. A lot had transpired in the wee hours of the morning, so much had been shared between the two but in the end, all was calm. What needed to be said had been said and there was once again balance. From here both knew of the potential they had as a couple. Perhaps they weren’t the most understanding of their own emotions, but they understood each other, and it appeared that was all that really mattered. The last words that had been uttered between them before they had been lulled to sleep had been “I love you.”
=+=