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The whole town assembled in the square. Robin did her best to erect and decorate a wedding arch, Lewis was preparing his speech. Everyone had their bets who would be the one to get married first after such a long time in this valley, but the least probable option for everybody was Shane. The new farmer boy must have performed some magic way stronger than Rasmodius’, as Shane was glowing with happiness and even stopped drinking that much. During the ceremony, Marnie was over the moon, Jas even spoke to some people on her own, being extremely happy to have another family member who had saved her beloved uncle. Gus then opened the Saloon, inviting everyone in for a delicious lunch. The place was humming with all the chattering and occasional laughter. All of this seemed so distant to Sebastian. He was sitting between Abigail and Sam in their regular corner, thinking about the short affair he’d had with Shane in the past. Their bond didn’t use to be as strong as he has now with his husband, but it was still intensive. While it lasted, they let the other one peek into each other’s soul, finding out they had more in common than it might’ve seemed at first. Shane didn’t forget either. When their eyes met, they smiled at each other from across the room, signaling their friendship didn’t end. Sebastian wasn’t sure if he missed him that much, but some kind of grief came across him. As usually, he spent most of the time lost in his own head, not caring about the surroundings. His awareness came alive when Abigail had to kick him under the table. His eyes pierced her sharply with pain.
“Alex’s staring at you,” she mumbled.
“Yeah, sure.” Sebastian scanned the place, meeting his gaze. Alex didn’t shy away, prolonging their eye contact for a second, and smiled for himself slyly before looking away.
“What’s he on about?” muttered Sam with his mouth full.
“No idea, don’t care,” shrugged Sebastian. He didn’t know why he should pay attention to it, he was used to being stared at, not in a good way. When watching other people and his eyes finding Robin, his mind began replaying her words about weddings and marriage from earlier, prompting him to find someone for himself, as Maru seemed to get on perfectly with Harvey, but Sebastian was still alone. He peered at his sister, joking with the doctor and openly flirting with him. The only closest people to him were at his table, but he considered both to be just friends and couldn’t really imagine being romantic with either of them. When he shifted his awareness to other people in the saloon as well, he couldn’t not notice that love was present everywhere, not just around the newlyweds and his sister. Demetrius had his arm around Robin, whose head was resting on his shoulder, Leah was making heart eyes at Elliott, who was reciting his poem he had written specifically for this occasion, Haley was fixing Alex’s hair, Clint was sitting at the bar, desperately trying to get Emily’s attention. As much as Sebastian hated to admit, he somewhat envied these little romances others had. There weren’t many people left in this tiny town, more specifically Penny and Emily, but neither struck Sebastian’s interest. There was one thing left that felt like the only option available: the internet.
After being forced to help Robin clean up the square, he went to his room, changed into something more comfortable, which at that point would be anything, formal clothes of any sort were his utmost enemy, and grabbed his phone. He didn’t want to admit that his mom might have had a point, so he just blamed it on hormones. He had no idea where to start, and browsing through his deep buried selfie folder, he was seriously thinking about ditching the whole thing. After many failed attempts to take a presentable photo of himself, Sebastian finally settled on one and swiftly created a Tinder profile before overthinking it too much. He was kind of scared what profiles he would run into, especially what types of people would try to reach out to him. After a few profiles that received a no from Sebastian, he suddenly stopped swiping and just stared blankly at the display. There was shirtless Alex watching him from a very inviting photo. Sebastian couldn’t bring himself to choose. He didn’t want to swipe right, but he didn’t want to reject it completely either. Logic went out of the window, his body was gorgeous. But the thing that caught him by surprise was that Alex appeared in his feed. Was it just an algorithm error, or was he interested in men as well? Or just curious? He couldn’t force himself to swipe, so he just closed the app and distracted himself with infinite internet scrolling.
In the morning, he was curious whether Alex would still appear as an option. It took a few swipes left and right, this time there were people that he might be interested in, before Alex appeared again. I’ll just get lost in the sea of people swiping him right anyway, Sebastian thought and swept right as well. Let’s just see what happens. They had never spoken to each other enough anyway, so what was there to lose. He was accusing his hormones again for this choice, nothing else than Alex’s godly body would make him accept this option. No wonder Haley was around him all the time. Oh. Haley. It was more or less widely known that those two were together. Maybe it was just an old profile of him that he no longer used. Either way, it wasn’t his business why Alex was there.
Soon it turned out this wasn’t the case. In the afternoon, Sebastian received a chat message. He somewhat hoped it would be from that hot guy from Zuzu City, but to his surprise, it was Alex.
Didn’t expect you’d be here, appeared on the display.
Neither did I. Sebastian had no idea what he should say. He felt strange now that Alex’s profile was actually active.
It was a surprise you swiped right on me.
You had to swipe right as well, so… Awkward. He should’ve resisted and sent his profile into the dating abyss. But now he was certainly growing curious why Alex was staring at him in the saloon at the wedding.
You know what they say, you should try everything once. Sebastian felt that that was his answer to why Alex appeared as an option; probably out of sheer curiosity. Not that Sebastian wasn’t intrigued. The fact that Alex accepted him as a possibility stirred all kinds of emotions within him. He craved some adrenaline, but this was Alex. But his body! The angel and the devil on Sebastian’s shoulders were arguing so loudly he wasn’t even sure whose each voice was.
Is that why you stared at me yesterday? Alex had probably already guessed Sebastian would be into guys, it didn’t require much mental capacity to figure it out.
Maybe? I mean… I know about you and Shane. Sebastian gulped. It was supposed to be their secret, but Alex, or maybe even Haley, had to see something they shouldn’t. Now he was scared it could be used to blackmail him.
That was like a year ago. He tried to play it cool, not making a big deal out of it. They were both technically single at that point, even though Shane was already somewhat involved with the farmer.
I know, it’s just that that’s how I learned it about you. Sebastian was relieved. No blackmailing. Alex probably wouldn’t be even capable of it. This is just making things easier, isn’t it?
What do you mean?
We’re both looking for something, aren’t we? ;) Alex wasn’t wasting time, that was for sure. Sebastian didn’t even know what exactly he was looking for. Relationship, not really. Experiment neither. Probably something in between.
So what are we gonna do about it?
How ‘bout tomorrow, 6pm, the spa?
The following day, Sebastian was waiting in the changing room, nervous and maybe even slightly scared. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears and with every second regretted his choices more and more. It was such a small town after all, people might easily find out, just like Alex did about him and Shane. Who knows how many people knew as well, just never talked about it. Sebastian’s inner drumroll stopped for a moment when he heard the door open.
“You’re here early,” spoke Alex, smiling just the same way he did in the saloon. It was obvious he wasn’t here to talk. He didn’t let Sebastian say a word, not that he had any in the first place, pushing him closer to the wall. He seemed way more experienced in the matter than Sebastian had expected. Alex’s hands knew exactly where to go and what to do to make him wish for more. While getting Alex’s shirt off of him, Sebastian was wondering how often he did this. He himself hadn’t done it for quite some time and didn’t want to be seen as inexperienced, but his worries left him when he saw the body Alex was hiding under his clothes. It was even better in person, his muscles were more prominent than in the picture. Sebastian had to touch them, he was somewhat ashamed of his own skinny body, but he couldn’t bring himself to exercise. However, it didn’t seem it mattered to Alex, as he kept rubbing against him, interested in a completely different thing than his overall look. Eventually, he turned Sebastian around to face the cold tiled wall, working his way in.
After enjoying themselves to the fullest, Sebastian decided he would use the shower at hand, while Alex was trying to get back into his clothes.
“We should repeat that sometimes,” sounded behind Sebastian’s back.
“Do you want to?”
“You don’t? You seemed like you liked it.”
“I did. We might.”
“Cool, see you later,” Alex pointed at him with a finger gun and left.
Sebastian kept hot water running on his body for as long as he could. This all had happened so fast he couldn’t believe there was such an animal in this town. He didn’t regret anymore. What surprised him was that Alex wasn’t as harsh towards him as he had expected. It was rough just enough for Sebastian to enjoy it. At least his life in Pelican town wasn’t as boring anymore. After leaving the spa and walking into the cold fall darkness, Sebastian didn’t want to go home yet, he felt relaxed and craved a cigarette. As long as the lights in the house were on, he was sitting with his back against a tree nearby, watching the smoke lift and disappear in the night. When someone in the hall switched the lights off, it was safe for him to go back home without having to talk to anyone. He was able to focus on work a bit better now, typing late into the night.
Sebastian was doing his best to avoid Alex’s house when going to meet Sam, knowing he would be on the porch. He wasn’t interested in talking to him, Alex probably even wouldn’t do that in public anyway. He chose the longer route to arrive safely and unspotted, which paid out. They were standing outside together when Sebastian froze. Alex and Haley were walking past them, Alex’s arm around her shoulders. Sebastian was attempting to do what he usually would – completely ignore his existence, but his eyes slid to him this time. Alex wasn’t blanking him either, winking at him as they were passing by.
Sam spotted what just happened. “What the heck?” he uttered. “Like, first at the wedding, now winking, seriously, what’s his problem?”
Sebastian was nowhere near explaining that a problem is the last thing he had, so he only shrugged again, saying, “Don’t worry about it,” while putting a cigarette between his lips. He knew Sam wasn’t the real threat here, but if Haley found out, she would throw a fit, and maybe a fist to Sebastian’s face as well, given the chance. He kept wondering how many guys Alex had already been with while supposedly dating Haley.
Later that day, a text message lit Sebastian’s phone, inviting him to the Secret Woods. Whoa, he sure is thirsty, ran through his head. Does he sleep with Haley at all? Regardless of the answer, knowing how good it felt the first time, he accepted. The place Alex chose was way riskier than the spa, not because someone might appear there, as nobody normal would go there at night, but because of the chilly weather. Worth it. Sebastian knew a secret path to get there from his house without having to cross the square, arriving from the north. Despite having his phone light on to guide him through a bumpy path, an occasional shit or fuck escaped his mouth, as he was stumbling on roots or his own legs. Alex was already there, and hearing these curses getting closer and closer, he couldn’t not laugh. Seeing Sebastian finally emerge from the trees, he beckoned him to come closer. A lit flashlight was lying on the ground, creating an eerie atmosphere, with all the ominous tree shadows, casting light into their bare branches. Alex was standing next to a large tree stump, hands shoved into his pockets, smiling cunningly. Sebastian hid his phone to free both his hands and warm them up on Alex’s body.
“Cold, cold, cold!” Alex moaned as the icy hands landed on his stomach. Sebastian didn’t listen and went up and up. When reaching his rock-hard nipples, Alex groaned again.
“I could’ve gone straight into your pants, be glad I didn’t,” laughed Sebastian.
Alex’s hands weren’t as cold, which he now regretted, as he wished to make him suffer in return. This time they didn’t dare go completely naked, only the pieces of clothing obstructing the most important parts had to get out of the way. Alex bent Sebastian over a large tree stump, sliding his pants to his knees. He knelt down right behind him, letting his jeans fall down as well. Before he got to warm up in the pool of desire, he shivered with cold, which wasn’t really helping him speed up the process. As soon as he joined Sebastian, a wave of warmth rushed through his body. The hotter their blood pumping in their veins was, the more visible their breathing became, as the cold was fighting back for its right to freeze them. Alex was especially enjoying the view in front of him, the precious sounds Sebastian was making, and the way he looked in the subtle yellow light. He wished it wasn’t as cold, so that he could watch his body’s most subtle movements and twitches that were otherwise invisible because of the hoodie he was wearing. The fever within them won over the coolness, making them tremble uncontrollably. Once the tension was gone, they had to cover up as much bare skin as they could, as the temperature of their bodies was changing rapidly.
Sebastian needed to warm up, so he hurriedly lit up a cigarette and inhaled the burning taste into his lungs. He sat down on the stump and breathed the smoke out into the dark.
“Mind if I sit down?” asked Alex.
“Not at all.” Sebastian moved a bit, making space for him. “You probably don’t smoke, do you?”
“No. No, I don’t.”
A moment of silence surrounded them. Only an owl high up in the trees dared tear the stillness.
“So? Why are you staying here with me?” Sebastian tried to prompt Alex to speak. He definitely didn’t sit down next to him to just stare into the ominous blankness with him.
Alex hunched and shrugged. “I don’t know. I just wanted to talk about something, anything, but I don’t know what.”
Sebastian glanced at him, pushing smoke out of his nostrils. “Why? Just because we do this now?”
“No. Yeah. Whenever I do this with someone more than once without actually talking to them, I feel like I’m just straight up using them, like a thing.”
Whenever? How many guys have you screwed, you beast? “You’re not using me, I agreed to this.”
“I know, but still. After all we’re people, not animals.”
Whoa, you’re probably not gonna be as dumb as I first expected.
The flashlight flickered and dimmed shortly before going out completely.
“Shit,” uttered Alex into a complete darkness, freezing in place, his eyes running frantically from side to side, blinking, trying to adjust to the sudden change of light.
“Scared?” asked Sebastian with an invisible smirk.
“No,” he shook his head, watching a tiny light at the end of the cigarette next to him. “I’m just glad it didn’t happen when I was alone here.”
Yup, he’s scared. Sebastian could have lit up his phone, but that wouldn’t be as fun. “Anyway, do you know why this place is called the Secret Woods?” After a negative answer, he continued, “Well, that statue over there used to be in a Yoba’s temple a long time ago. It was made by a very poor sculptor, who was promised loads of money for this piece. However, when they didn’t pay him nearly as much, so he cursed it, so that it would bring years of pain and sorrow to anyone whose eyes land on it. That year, all the harvest this town used to live from was destroyed by a massive fire, people fell into despair, the economy was ruined, many had to move away and start somewhere new, a few starved to death. The temple burnt down as well, and the only thing that remained in the ruins was this statue. People wanted to destroy it, but one man stood in their way. It was Rasmodius’ great-grandfather. He promised the people to get rid of the curse and bless it instead to retrieve the town’s fortune and luck. That was the last time they saw him. They weren’t sure whether he’d performed the rite as he’d intended to and didn’t want to break it in case it’d been blessed, so they moved it into the furthest corner of this forest to let the spirit sleep.”
“Really?” whispered Alex with a trembling voice. Shivers were running down his spine, this time not from the cold.
“It’s just a story.” Sebastian’s voice stayed calm and raspy, while inside he was immensely pleased he had managed to freak him out with just a little bit of imagination. He couldn’t see Alex’s face, but his rapid breathing gave it away.
“Right,” he gulped.
Sebastian made a long pause, then asked whether Alex wanted to leave. It was no surprise he had received a positive answer. To stop the torture, Sebastian’s phone lit up to help them find the dead flashlight and allow them to find a safe way out of the infinite void. He felt like he was now responsible for Alex making it home alive after this. As soon as they made it to the town where a paved path started and tall lamp posts were blessing them with vision, Sebastian noted that Alex’s face relaxed a bit. It was so late they didn’t have to be worried they’d be spotted together by anyone, so they split up in the square, wishing each other good night.
Winter was slowly approaching, days were getting colder and colder. It was Sebastian’s favorite time of the year. When it wasn’t raining, he needed to take advantage of that. He hated sneaking out of his room when there was someone snooping around the entrance, but fortunately Robin was working away at the farm, building a new gigantic coop for Shane’s chickens. Sebastian left the house without a word and strolled towards the train station. He loved sitting on the wooden stairs, watching trains rush by, seeing people’s faces he would never meet again. That was the dose of social encounter he truly required. Just to see he wasn’t completely alone. And in fact, he wasn’t. Minutes later, he heard footsteps from the direction his house was. He wished it wasn’t Demetrius again, attempting to find a new species of stone or whatever. Luckily for him, it was Alex. At first it was obvious he was heading into the spa, but when he caught Sebastian’s dark gaze, he stopped for a second and changed direction. The closer he got, the more it was apparent that it wasn’t his day. He slouched towards Sebastian.
“May I join you?”
“Sure,” answered Sebastian without moving his legs to let him sit down.
Alex stepped over him and sat next to him, leaning against the wall, his head not getting any higher.
“You come here often?” Alex broke the silence.
“Sometimes. When I need to forget the whole reality for a while.”
With those words, it seemed that Alex’s mood got only worse. At first he hesitated, but then decided to speak.
“Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try, you can never reach your dream?”
Sebastian’s eyes fell on him shortly before staring back at the silent rails. “Every fucking day.”
For some reason, that wasn’t the answer Alex expected, it startled him. “Why?”
“You wanna hear the truth, or you’re asking ‘cause it’s polite?”
“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t care.”
“Ever since Demetrius showed up, I’ve basically felt like nothing. Maru is like a more evolved version of me. She can do anything faster and better. She’s the child my mom deserves. It was just probably an accident I was born.”
Alex was speechless for a moment. “That’s not true,” he whispered with his eyes fixed on Sebastian, whose gaze was still lost in the distance. “But, well, regarding parents, we’re similar cases.”
“And why do you feel like shit today?” Sebastian’s lips curved into a sad smile.
“And you’re asking because…”
“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t care.”
“It’s just that I feel like I’ve hit my own limit, a dead spot, that I can’t get any further, no matter how hard I train. I feel like I’m never gonna be good enough to join a gridball league and that I’m just gonna be stuck only dreaming about it. Well, mine’s not as dark as yours.”
“Still counts. And there’s so much time. You can do it.”
Even though Alex was pleasantly surprised by Sebastian’s encouragement, he couldn’t believe it. He had heard so many words that in fact led nowhere and he only felt like he was failing not only himself, but those around him as well. That gloominess showed in his eyes not lifting from the floor, spectating one spot, unable to move. Sebastian looked at him, and despite all the despair, he knew about something that could make Alex forget about that nonsensical self-defeat for a while. He felt like this all the time, so he was used to it, but had no idea how Alex would react to him making a move when feeling this way.
“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” suggested Sebastian, lifting an eyebrow to hint at the direction he was heading.
Alex smiled at him and shook his head. “Not today, sorry. Normally I wouldn’t say no, but now… not up to it, really.”
“It’s alright, I just asked.” That crisis must have been serious.
They were sitting next to each other for a while before Alex stood up and decided to return back to his plan to sweat the frustration out with exercise. When parting with Sebastian, he turned back at him, saying, “Thank you for listening.”
“No problem,” mumbled Sebastian in reply, watching Alex walk away.
The first snow covered the ground gently, which made Sebastian feel alive a bit more than usually. Not that he left the house for a longer period than normally, but just the view of the soft white fluff falling from the sky cheered his heart up. Unfortunately, the same couldn’t be said about Alex. If he could, he would fly to the other side of the earth, just to be somewhere warm where he didn’t have to hide under tons of fabric or lose his tan.
When he couldn’t endure the blankness of the outside world anymore, he decided to do text Sebastian again. They’d met on a few more occasions and he still wasn’t getting bored of him, which was a rare sight in Alex’s life. Probably the short distance and Sebastian’s openness did the trick. However, coming up with a new spot when it was this cold was difficult. He couldn’t bring him home out of the blue, so the only space available was the spa.
When Alex reached the hills, he saw Sebastian walking behind the corner towards the bath house. He managed to catch up with him right before entering the building. He wanted to surprise him, grabbed his arms and turned him around, pressing him against the door into the house. Sebastian already had his hands busy with undoing Alex’s jeans belt when they realized they weren’t alone. Sebastian’s neighbor from the tent, Linus, was staring at them as they froze in time when the danger signal reached their brains. As soon as the primary panic was gone, they tore from each other, not knowing how to act.
It was Linus who knew what to do. “Don’t mind me, I’m leaving already anyway.”
“No, no, no,” Sebastian wanted to stop him, “we’ll go.”
But Linus had already made his mind, walking away. They stood there, watching the door close behind the man.
“Now I feel bad,” whispered Sebastian, looking down at the floor.
“Me too. What do we do now?”
“I don’t wanna do it now, I’d feel terrible, sorry. But I don’t wanna go home either.”
Alex nodded, went ahead and sat on a bench in the changing room. “So what’s new?”
Sebastian, following him, chuckled. “Seriously? Are we gonna chat about life?”
“What else is there to do,” Alex shrugged and was ready to listen to whatever Sebastian was about to say. It felt only fair to him to provide a counter-service for everything Sebastian had to withstand with him. Even though Sebastian still felt somewhat strange to talk to Alex like they were actual friends, it was nice to have someone to share a secret with. In fact, their situation already was one, and Sebastian found it pleasant that Alex truly wasn’t such a jerk he used to think him to be.
After a vigorous discussion on a secret and safe place to meet without being found out, their problem was resolved on its own. Two days later, when Alex was leaving his house to go to Haley, he was stunned that all the people were assembled by the old community center. He came closer to see what all the humbug was for, only to realize the farmer managed to restore it somehow. Lewis probably gave him the keys, as it used to be locked for years now. The whole community poured in as soon as the mayor opened the door. Everyone was in awe, without an idea how a single person could possibly put such a disaster back in order. However, that was the last concern to Alex. The second he connected eyes with Sebastian, it was obvious what they were both thinking about. Way to dishonor the farmer’s hard work, but on the other hand, he was doing it for the whole community, where these two belonged as well.
After a few days and their first deep exploration of the center, Sebastian received another message from Alex, this time very early in the morning. He didn’t even have to look at the screen anymore. The sound he had set for Alex’s messages gave it away. Why so early?
May I steal you for myself today?
He couldn’t choose a better time. Sebastian would spend any other day in his room, but this time he had the whole afternoon filled.
And in the morning? Doesn’t matter when.
It was very early for Sebastian, only 9am, but there was no doubt Alex had already been active for a few hours now. Alright, 11?
You won’t regret ;)
He never actually does when it comes to this. It was a powerful outlet, and healthy as well, it basically counts as exercise. On that day, Sebastian would appreciate some more pleasure anyway, as that day belonged to him.
Sneaking out of his room, he caught Robin’s attention. There was no way for him to escape from the house, having no windows, unlike Maru, who had her own back door to get out whenever she wanted. On the other hand, it was nobody’s business what he was up to, he was an adult, and on that day another year older. With his earphones plugged in, he just waved at her and disappeared.
Alex was already waiting in the farthest room of the center, with a wide smile decorating his happy face. Sebastian was wondering what it was that made him so happy to see him, they met like two to three times a week, and Alex never seemed to be that delighted.
“I got something for you that you might like,” Alex grinned. He remembered. He handed a really nicely wrapped gift to Sebastian, who thought it was actually Evelyn who helped, if not doing the whole thing herself. It was extremely heavy.
“You didn’t have to… I mean… Just because we do this together.”
“I know I didn’t. But I wanted to. Open it.”
As the paper crumbled down the sides, it revealed a gigantic piece of obsidian, shiny and as dark as Sebastian’s eyes.
He gaped at him, “How did you know, out of all the things, that this is what I’d like?”
“There might be a special someone who knows a lot,” Alex shrugged with a mysterious smile.
“I really love it, thank you.”
Alex came closer, almost touching Sebastian, building tension between them. “You can now show me how thankful you are.”
Later in the afternoon, Abigail and Sam dragged Sebastian into the Saloon for a special batch of pumpkin soup. He didn’t enjoy cakes that much, but when any of his favorite foods was at stake, he had a serious motivation to not stay at home. He never really craved any gifts, the only one he wanted was time spent with his closest ones. Sam would have loved to let Sebastian win a game of pool, but no matter how hard he tried to actually play, he wouldn’t beat him anyway, so it didn’t make that big of a difference. Then Abigail invited him for The Journey of the Prairie King, but even they tried their best, the game remained unbeaten.
The sky outside was already dark, Sebastian’s favorite time of the day. He was born before midnight and he loved to spend that moment on his own. When he was getting ready to leave, he peeked out of the window and saw Alex, joined by Haley again, but this time they were kissing and creeping into Alex’s house quietly. Sebastian’s joy transformed immediately. It wasn’t pain as he knew it, that weird sensation inside his chest and stomach felt more numbing. He couldn’t stop staring into the void, which couldn’t escape his friends’ attention. They already knew his emotions were unpredictable, so without asking, they let him go into the night.
Instead of focusing on the fact that the moment when he was born was nearing, he couldn’t get that image of Haley and Alex out of his head. For some reason it annoyed him greatly. Maybe he was using her for his enjoyment as well. Maybe it was because he wasn’t afraid to take her home with him. Something about it was so upsetting that he didn’t want to stay outside anymore as he had planned, to watch the innocent snow pouring out of the bottomless void and landing on his face and the ground everywhere around, but this time he didn’t care.
His phone bleeped. He didn’t look up. Deadlines were pushing him to work harder and longer. In an hour, another notification. No shit given. Sebastian didn’t even want to see his photo at that moment. By that point, it wasn’t just the scene he had seen that was bothering him. It was the fact that it bothered him that bothered him even more. The longer he was thinking about it, the deeper he was falling into the well of suffering. He needed his head to be clear to finally send the project in. By the time the clock hit midnight, his work was finished. After pressing Enter, the reality started creeping back on him. Piercing the phone with his dark gaze, the inner argument was tormenting him. To write him back or not. He started analyzing, that was something he excelled at. From the objective point of view, nothing really happened. He only saw what had been going on for months already. But as soon as it hit his eyes, it suddenly became a monster at the back of his head. Their deal was that they were only going to provide each other what they had been looking for. The end. Yet he felt like he failed on every level. His eyes were starting to ache from the continuous staring contest with the dark phone screen, so he backed away, grabbed a pen and paper to run away from the reality again. What he used to call his creative block was now gone. At least partially. Sebastian started vomiting words from his innermost chamber of feelings, free writing was the thing to get him out of the dark state of mind. When he finished and glanced at the sweaty paper with no white space left, he was relieved yet horrified, but he started seeing a pattern. The only good way to get rid of demons is to face them, Sebastian kept reminding himself. His fingers landed on the mini keyboard in the corner of his work desk, hidden under a pile of crumpled papers with website mockups, and started playing a simple melody, staring at the words his hand gave birth to. The tune was getting more and more complex and words started making sense. As long as he felt the fire inside, he refused to stop, resulting in passing out at 4 am, however, he managed to finish with a good feeling.
Two more days, two more messages. Had Sebastian’s phone had feelings, it would’ve packed its charger and earbuds and filed for a divorce due to such an extended period of utter ignorance. Without reading the messages, it was time to go outside and get shit done. Before leaving the house for a rehearsal with Sam, he thought twice about taking the new song with him. As much as he craved to hear it fully with an actual keyboard and Sam’s guitar riffs, it still was a personal piece. But his fuck-it approach won and he shoved the paper into his jumper jacket before heading out.
When handing it to Sam to inspect, Sebastian had a hard time to stop his hand from trembling.
“Who’s it about?” Sam glanced at him from the text.
“Nobody in particular. I just read a good book and it came all of a sudden.”
“Alright,” Sam shrugged.
That was fucking easy. “Wanna play it?”
“Heck yeah, it looks awesome!”
And it sounded awesome as well. Sebastian’s heart was pounding with a strange excitement he refused to admit, so he just called it perplexity. After annoying Jodi beyond a certain level, they were forced to stop.
“Wanna go to the Saloon then?”
“No, sorry, won’t be joining you tonight. Got a new commission to work on. Some other time.”
He walked Sam to the Saloon, where their ways parted, when he suddenly stopped. Alex and his Barbie were standing by Dusty’s kennel. Sebastian attempted to nope out of there as quickly as possible, but his reflexes were not faster than Alex’s eyes.
“Hey!” he heard behind his back and stopped, without turning around.
“I’ve been texting you, but you’re not answering, is everything alright?” Alex’s eyes were trying their hardest to find the answer themselves in the bottomless depth of Sebastian’s silent stare.
“Yeah.”
“I wanna hear the truth.”
“Why?”
“Because I fucking care?”
“Why?”
“Goddamnit, any time I text you, you reply right away, but now you’ve been completely silent for a whole week and I should be okay with that?”
“It’s not like we’re dating, is it?” Sebastian spat.
“Look, if you were from the city or somewhere, I wouldn’t give a crap. But we live like half a mile from each other, so we’re bound to meet sometime, so I’d like to know, alright?”
Meanwhile in the Saloon, Sam arrived, to Abigail’s confusion, alone. It didn’t take long for him to whip out the folded piece of paper with Sebastian’s lyrics on it. That might make explaining easier.
“What the heck? Who’s he into?” Abigail squinted.
“No one, he told me.”
“And you freaking believed him? C’mon Sammy. Have you heard Seb’s songs at all? They’re dark, deep, philosophical, about life and death, and now he comes up with this cotton candy?”
“It doesn’t have to mean he’s in love or anything.”
“Sam. Seb doesn’t do relationships, but when he does, it’s hecking intense.” She raised her eyes from the writing. “And it’s not gonna be that hard to figure it out,” she added, spotting their subject matter talking to the least expected person in town.
“How many of us is there, actually?” asked Sebastian.
“Why, are you jealous?” Alex smirked. But having a long intense stare as the only answer washed his pretentious grin away. “Are you serious?”
Sebastian had to tell him now. “For some reason I can’t stand the view of you and… others doing things like we did. I mixed feelings into it and failed, okay?” he whispered so quietly Alex barely could hear him.
“That changes everything then.” He took a step back.
“It does, doesn’t it.”
Alex kept standing there like a wax figure glued to the pavement, Sebastian couldn’t bare his gaze any longer. Without any other word he walked around him and left. A few moments later, he heard a faint “you speak to him?” from the distance, but couldn’t make out the answer, as his heart was even louder than his own footsteps.
Sebastian’s phone has been silent since. He couldn’t open Alex’s old messages, as that would wound him both emotionally and physically, he was blaming himself for not playing it cool and being a drama queen. It has been an extremely long time since he had developed feelings for anybody, the more powerful they were now. Alex’s glistening concerned eyes were like the permanent screensaver whenever Sebastian tried to shut his own eyes to sleep. Not thinking about him was not happening. Especially at nights, after being devoured by all the work, creeping into his bed, his tired brain had no conscious defense, so Alex was the main protagonist of his dreams.
Having to update all the websites for Christmas, Sebastian paradoxically forgot that such a feast was happening. The reality hit him with Robin walking into his room, carrying a yellowed envelope. That only meant that the stupid secret Santa game was coming again. At first rejecting to be involved in that stupidity this year and just pass it on, he gave up and obeyed the community’s desires after all.
The town looked stunning. A gigantic tree was raised in the middle of the square, then all the tables dragged out of the Saloon to have wonderfully smelling dishes served on them. Everybody was wearing the fanciest of clothes, this was always the peak of the whole year. People forgot their disputes and annoyances for a day and celebrated as a community. At least most of them did. The gift-giving train started. It was hard to keep track of, but manageable.
Alex needed to keep an eye on his target, and as soon as he saw Sam beelining for Penny, it was his turn. He approached him and, confident that he’d love the gift he had obtained from his favorite mineral dealer, his smile dissolved when Abigail tapped his shoulder. She definitely wasn’t in a cheery mood, and, completely nervous, handed him a large, precisely wrapped box.
“Open it,” she encouraged him without any emotion in her face.
He obeyed. Inside was hiding an actual griball uniform, with his name printed on it. A note was enclosed: Another step closer to achieving your dream. You’ll make it, I believe in you. S. Alex’s jaw dropped and his eyes watered. It was the best gift he had gotten in the past few years. He frantically looked around, but Sebastian was nowhere to be found.
“Where. Is. He.”
Abigail hesitated at first, but then blurted out, without a slightest change of her tone, “Probably getting ready to leave. If not gone yet.”
“Hold this.” Alex shoved the box back into her arms and ran towards Sebastian’s house. Good thing he was pretty fit and the sprint uphill didn’t burn his lungs. He gripped the door handle, finding out the house was open. A spark of hope ignited in him. It was the first time he had entered the carpenter’s house, there was never a reason to. Not knowing where to go, he applied the labyrinth rule to follow one hand and explore every room. What seemed like Sebastian’s room at first, turned out to be Maru’s, then Robin and Demetrius’ bedroom, kitchen, laboratory… Alex started to think Sebastian just teleported together with his room, and began to feel desperate. Until he heard a loud thump from the basement. Relieved, he made for the door. Inside he found Sebastian, with one suitcase already packed, and another on the bed, being filled as well.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“Leaving?” replied Sebastian without even looking at him.
“Why? D-Don’t.”
“You were right. If I were in the city, you wouldn’t care. Maybe, neither would I. Worth trying.”
“No. Just. No.”
“What does it matter?” Sebastian turned around, his eyes puffy, but now full of determination. “We used to be nothing to each other for so many years. Now it just will be the same.”
“It won’t. Because of what happened between us. And now the gift from you? If I was given such a thing in secret, I’d cry.”
“What exactly happened between us? To you specifically? Look, maybe you hook up with guys for your own enjoyment, which, don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with it, but I can actually feel something towards a guy. I tried to stay away from it, but it happened.”
“I probably look like a fucking stupid ass with no common sense, but you have no idea what happened thanks to you! I found a friend… more than a friend in you. Just the fact that you’re around and that I’m not alone makes me happy! Do I look like I have any friends? No! You were the only one who was willing to speak to me, even though you didn’t have to! Yeah, it all started because of pure fun, but I do care about you, because you opened to me!” When Alex got it all off his chest, his eyes were watering, so he couldn’t see the cold gaze Sebastian watched him with.
“When I told you, you said it changes everything. But guess what? Nothing changed. I’m still feeling the same thing. It didn’t go away. So I have to.”
“I’m not letting you.”
“That’s a little bit selfish, isn’t it?” Sebastian proceeded to further pack his things.
“There must be something I can do to keep you here. You have a family here, who you don’t actually care about that much, I know, but what about Sam and Abigail? Your band?”
“We talked about that, the band isn’t in danger if that’s your concern.”
“I can’t imagine this town without you now.”
Sebastian came closer to Alex. “Are you trying to keep me here through sweet words? Do you even understand my point of view?” His monotonous voice was scaring him.
“I do! I do!” he tried his best to reassure him. “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it, I don’t know how else to put it.”
“I didn’t want to force you to make that decision, so I made it for you. You can keep living your life. Having fun with people… and Haley.”
Alex wasn’t listening to what he was saying. He grasped the opportunity, grabbed his head in his hands and kissed him. Sebastian couldn’t resist that, his firm posture relaxed against his will. He even responded to the kiss automatically.
“If you want me to quit it with Haley, if that’s what will keep you here, I will do it. I’m not like even dating her. But whatever it is, I’ll end it. I want to make you happy like you have made me happy so many times,” Alex whispered.
Sebastian closed his eyes and sank his head between his shoulders. “Am I just too stupid and weak that I might actually believe you?”
“You’re not. I mean it. And I am sorry how I acted when you told me. I just didn’t know how to react. I’ve never had a guy fall in love with me. But it’s you and I just for some reason don’t wanna let you go. Please. Stay. If I ever disappoint you again, you can leave then. But I’ll do my best not to. I hate seeing you hurt.” Alex tiptoed and gently kissed Sebastian’s forehead.
“Fucking feelings,” slurred Sebastian, walking to his bed, and reversed his previous action, now putting his clothes back onto the shelves.
Alex felt like he just saved the world from a zombie apocalypse. He came to Sebastian and hugged him from behind, still feeling somewhat insecure. Sebastian froze mid-move with his clothes in his hands and just enjoyed the warmth from Alex’s body, which he never really got to taste without sexual context. Then all of a sudden the sensation left him, exposing his back to the coldness of the room again.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m doing it,” Alex mumbled when reaching for the door handle.
“That’s how life works.” Sebastian gave him a warm smile. Alex requited and closed the door behind himself.
Sebastian sat down on his bed, staring into the nothingness. What am I actually doing. Rationality was his forte, but now, all of a sudden, he became a heart-driven guy.
The sun has already set, but something had to be done. The sooner, the better, come on. Alex, now even more single than before, and hated by one more person, was encouraging himself with each step, firmly gripping a large bouquet in his freezing hand. He opened the main door, hoping it would be empty like it was earlier that day, but he met Robin in the hall. At first she was smiling, but when a signal that something’s wrong reached her brain, she stopped functioning and just stared at him.
“Erm, is Seb at home?”
A single “yeah” was the only thing she managed to say without moving a single muscle, or closing her mouth in surprise. Her eyes moved along Alex as he was passing her, Maru peeking out of the lab followed her mom’s example. As he was descending the staircase, the two girls glanced at each other confusedly. Alex knew he was being watched, blood rushing into his cheeks, he had to knock. It took Sebastian a while to reach the door, each lengthy second felt like purgatory. When the door squeaked, Sebastian’s jaw dropped.
“I just wanted it to be official.”
Sebastian took the bouquet from Alex, and gripping his hand, he pulled him into the room to save him from the unexpected audience.
“Alex… Where did you get this?” he whispered, still in shock.
“Pierre would do anything to sell,” Alex grinned victoriously.
Sebastian pinned Alex against the door gently and kissed him, turning the key in the lock with his other hand. Putting the bouquet on the nearest surface, he finally could give way to the passion boiling in him. Alex smiled happily into his lips, grabbed his hips and pressed them against his.
When Sebastian’s mouth targeted Alex’s neck, he gasped, “You don’t mind your family being at home?”
“I only care about you at this moment,” he said softly and bit him gently into his burning pale skin, generating a voiced response in him. Grabbing his shirt, Sebastian dragged him across the room to his bed.
This time, Alex wasn’t just having sex as he usually would. He was making love to this beautiful man, kissing him lustfully, showing him affection in every way possible, as tenderly as he possibly could. Sebastian’s moans, muffled by Alex’s lips, were fueling him to make sure neither of them regrets their choices ever again. Both could tell this was way different from what they used to do in the past. That also continued after their bottled desire burst out. Normally, they would dress up and split, but now they were lying under the cover, skin to skin, Alex pressing his lips gently against Sebastian’s collarbone, continuing down his arm. A train’s loud horn sang its song from a distance.
Alex met Sebastian’s eyes. “Don’t you even run away from me.”
“I’ll try not to.”