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The shift came gradually, then crystallized in an uncomfortably sudden way.
He started seeing it happening during his fourth year. Most people had finally gotten used to him being Harry Potter, the Chosen One or whatever they called him. He had thought that from this point onwards he would be able to live his normal life as a normal teenager, and not be hero-worshipped for something he hadn't even actively participated in. He had thought he would be able to show others who he was as a person. That his personality wasn't only contained by his achievements.
And then the thing with the Goblet of Fire happened. His name was spat out, and suddenly he was the youngest contestant in the Triwizard Tournament, and nobody cared about him as a person anymore. People started asking for autographs again, treating him like a living historical figure and not just a fellow student.
And then there were the girls. Well, mostly girls. And the girls were the only ones who dared to say it upfront.
Of the few who didn't hate his guts for cheating or lessening Cedric Diggory's chances, there was a group that looked at him with stars and hearts in their eyes. One actually confessed she had a crush on him. Harry didn't feel comfortable pointing out that he didn't even know her name, and just said sorry and ran away.
Then Rita Skeeter started spreading rumors that he and Hermione somehow had a secret love affair. Harry couldn't figure out the logic behind it, considering there was absolutely no reason for them to keep it secret, had such an affair been going on.
And then, then, came the Yule ball.
All in all, his fourth year was when Harry Potter really started noticing how obessed with romance the world around him was.
It wasn't that he didn't think about it at all. Just that it confused him a whole lot. He was told that he had to find a partner for the ball, but he had no idea who he was supposed to invite.
“Well, usually people go with the people they're dating. Or they ask someone they have a crush on, see if they say yes. I guess some people also go with their friends? Just as a way to hang out?”
The answers he received were vague. He felt as if it was all organised into some kind of hierarchy. If you're not dating anyone, you ask one of your crushes. If your crushes say no, you ask a friend. In practice, he saw students ask people they barely knew to the dance over picking their closest friends. Harry figured he would have a lot more fun spending the night with someone he already got along with than a complete stranger but well... He was trying to be a normal teenager.
When people asked about his crushes, he thought about Cho Chang. About thinking she was pretty when they had played a Quidditch match against each other. Pretty and strong, and warm in a discreet way. They had talked a bit before, always about Quidditch, as fellow players more than as friends. But Harry had liked those conversations, and he felt curious about Cho, so he assumed that must be a crush.
So he asked Cho out. And she said no. And he went with Parvati Patil instead, althoug he didn't know Parvati at all and they didn't have much in common. And then there was Hermione, beautiful in her blue dress, dancing with Victor Krum instead of spending the night with her two best friends. At least she seemed to be enjoying herself, unlike Ron and Harry. He might not understand why, but he could appreciate that fact.
So it was during his fourth year that Harry realised he wasn't sure if he understood what other students meant when they said they had a crush on someone. There were those people he was interested in, wanted to know more about. Those people he wanted to be friends with, or maybe close to in some other way, though he wasn't sure what that other way was. Of course, there was wanting to kiss someone, wanting to have sex with them. But if he was honest with himself he wasn't against the idea of kissing most of his friends. And there were some people he thought he might like to kiss without really knowing whether he wanted to date them or not.
It was confusing, but most of the time he could just ignore it. He was a wizard, learning magic in a magical school, after all. And then there was the fact that an someone evil had killed his parents, tried to kill him on several occasions, killed a fellow students in front of him and was trying to take over the world. That was a rather big distraction from his confused sentiments about romance.
But after his fourth year came the fifth, and after the fifth came the sixth.
Sixth year was the year of love, at least for everyone else. All of his friends started talking about their various crushes. People bought love potions at Fred and George's shop. And still, Harry stood there, confused.
When Ron started fixating on Lavender Brown, Harry tried to be a supportive friend. He didn't complain about the fact that he barely saw Ron at all except for classes and their dorm room. He didn't complain about having to do his homework alone because Hermione said he had to do it himself if he wanted to learn and Ron just wasn't there anymore. Ron said that Lavender made him happy, so Harry tried to be happy for him.
And then he noticed. He noticed that Hermione was colder than usual. He noticed how hurt she looked whenever Ron ignored her because Lavender claimed his attention. And Harry tried to be supportive of her, too. He tried to find a way to comfort her without putting all of the blame on his best friend. He tried to convince her – and himself – that Ron still cared about them, after all, that it was all fine, it wasn't that important.
Hermione accepted to go to Slughorn's party with Cormac, and Harry thought for a second that taking a walk near the whomping willow sounded like a much better idea than staying here. When his friends enquired who he would take to the party instead, however, he didn't have to think about it for long.
Luna Lovegood was the obvious choice. Luna, who he had befriended the previous year in somewhat creepy circumstances. Luna, with all of her quirks and all the stares she attracted. Luna, who seemed to keep herself outside of the turmoil that was the romantic adventures of Hogwarts students.
She accepted his invitation with pleasure and an easy smile. With her at his side, Harry actually felt able to brave Slughorn's party. Between the professor's ambiguous attentions, Hermione's panicked state at the idea of having to stay close to Cormac for a whole evening, and a general distate for the politics that motivated party, Harry thought of Luna as a refuge.
The girl would make remarks about what other students were doing, and they would have been snarky said by anyone else. In her case, though, they were delivered with perfect innocence. Harry found himself containing his laughter more than once, even in front of Slughorn. The professor seemed to find Harry's choice of partner quite distateful, though he couldn't say so in as many words, risking to breach his own code of conduct.
Harry had to leave Luna for a moment, needing to speak to Slughorn some more, as well as help Hermione escape the grasp of her evening partner. He was surprised at having to deal with Draco playing gatecrasher on top of it all, and was tightly wound up when things started to wind down and he couldn't find Luna in the room.
He looked around once more, avoiding anyone who tried to talk to him, and finally stepped outside. Sure enough, Luna was sitting on a step a bit further down the hallway, swaying a little bit as if she was humming a melody to herself.
Harry wondered, for a moment, at how calming even just her presence could feel to him. She was different from everyone else. Different in a way that made you feel encouraged to become the truest version of yourself you could be, when with her. Luna didn't look at him like a hero or the Chosen One. She didn't look at him like a rare collectibe or a tool to be used. She saw him as a person, and her very attitude invited him to come to terms with that person. It was always an invitation. Never a forceful gesture.
“Are you okay?” Harry asked. She didn't seem distressed in any way but, if he was honest with himself, Harry wasn't sure he would recognize what distress looked like on the girl's features.
She looked up at him, not having noticed his arrival. The startledness was immediately replaced by one of the soft smiles that were her trademark. “Yes, of course,” she replied in a melodic voice. “I was just a bit overwhelmed. And scared that the Smergls would get to me. Although I don't think they would work on me. But you're never too sure.”
Harry walked towards her and she moved to the side, leaving him space to sit. “Smergls?”
“Oh, yes. Haven't you noticed the infestation?”
Harry shook his head. “What are they?”
“A kind of creature. They're very hard to see. Wizards actually aren't sure under which circumstances they reveal themselves. They feed off human energy, and attach themselves to people's heads, drawing them into a state of emotional excitability. They mostly affect younger people too. I'm not exactly sure, but I think there's been a breakout in our year.”
“Emotional excitability? So you mean the way all everyone's been talking about recently is who they want to date?”
Luna nodded. “This is one of the most noticeable side-effects of Smergls, yes. There are others.”
Harry smiled. Luna's strange ideas about the world often seemed far-fetched and confusing, but there was a simplicity and honesty to them that he appreciated. He settled more comfortably against the cold steps of the stairs.
“And you think you're immune to them?”
“Well, possibly. I'm aromantic, you see.”
This was one more term that was apparently part of the witch's everyday vocabulary but that Harry was unfamiliar with. He was very happy that Luna usually wasn't opposed to his incessant questioning.
“What does aromantic mean?”
“Oh,” Luna said with a tilt of her head, as if she was surprised that he didn't know. “It means I don't experience romantic attraction. That I don't feel the urge to date anyone.”
This was a much less magical answer than the one he had been expecting. It didn't sound like something she had read in The Quibbler.
“That's... How does that work?”
“Well, in much the same way romantic attraction works, I suppose. Except the opposite.”
“And it's not... Don't you...” Harry faltered. This felt much more personal and invasive than his usual inquiries.
Luna swayed her head two more times. “Don't I wish I was different?” She asked, as if it wasn't a loaded thing to say. Harry nodded. “I don't. I don't see why I would. It's not as if I could miss it, since I don't experience it. And I don't think it's something that important really. People are all made of different parts, and this is just a part of me.”
“That seems really wise. I'm not sure I would be able to think about it in that way.”
“Did you enjoy the party?”
She didn't give him any warning before changing the subject, but Harry was fairly used to that being another quirk of hers. He shook his head, then shrugged.
“Not really. I'm not... it's not really the kind of gathering I enjoy. Nobody is actually there to have a good time. They're just trying to gain things from each other. There's no... There's no warmth to it.”
“Mmh-mmh. I thought you weren't enjoying yourself. I'm sorry if I wasn't the best person to bring.”
“No, no.” He put a hand on Luna's shoulder. “You were actually the perfect person. Thank you for coming. This doesn't seem like your kind of party either.”
“It was interesting,” she said.
They both turned their heads as a student stumbled through the hallway in their direction. “Hey, Potter,” the boy shouted. “What you doing with the Loony-bin?”
Harry felt anger rise through his body. He started standing up. Luna tugged on his robe to stop him. “It's okay Harry.”
Still fuming, he turned towards the other student, who had already started walking in the other direction. “I'm having a good time with a good friend, is what I'm doing.” Harry shouted after him. “Asshole!”
He wasn't sure if the boy understood a word he had said, considering the way he was zig-zagging through the hall in a drunken stumble.
“Come on, Luna. Party's winding down anyway, I don't think they need us in there anymore.”
That particular party marked a turning point in their friendship. Harry hadn't really had the occasion to spend a lot of time alone with Luna before that, but he quickly discovered how much he actually appreciated her company. With Ron still engrossed in his relationship with Lavender and Hermione still angry about it all, he became more and more relient on moments alone with the blonde witch to relax. After arriving at Hogwarts, Harry had discovered how social a person he was. Summers were usually hell, with no one around to talk to. Spending time with friends what was gave him the energy to go through the day.
And that was what Luna was. A friend. Somebody he could look forward to seeing whenever they agreed to meet each other in the library or the Room of Requirements.
He didn't tell Ron and Hermione about his new friendship, which was slightly weird. At the same time, he felt like his best friends would only deserve the right to know when they regained enough of their wits to realise that the trio was slowly drifting apart.
And it felt nice to have this for himself. He didn't think of Luna as a secret – that would feel too much like she was something he was ashamed of and hiding. It was more that he enjoyed their friendship not being under scrutiny. He enjoyed being able to define who they were to each other without the pressure of external gazes.
When that thought crossed his mind, it made Harry stop. Was that a crush? Was he looking at Luna as something more than a friend?
The expression felt wrong. “More than.” His relationship to Ron and Hermione was going through hard times, but he still couldn't say that he felt closer to Luna than them. It was just that their relationship was different.
He tried again to think of what a crush was supposed to be. Butterflies in the stomach, a desire to kiss the person. Well, he did sometimes feel tingly with excitement knowing that he would be able to spend time with the witch. He found himself relaxing in her presence. As for kissing... Harry frowned. He guessed it would be enjoyable? He wasn't really sure.
All in all, he felt like all of his interrogations stayed inconclusive. He might or might not like Luna differently than he liked his other friends. He might or might not like to kiss her, depending on the situation and whether she would be interested or not and also depending on whether other things were supposed to be included after the kiss.
But anyway. Nothing would happen. Nothing could happen, right? Because she was aromantic. So it didn't matter. Harry would just be imposing himself on her and that was bad.
Luna looked up from the issue of The Quibbler that she was reading, lounged across a beanbag.
“Are you okay, Harry? You seem distracted.”
Harry put down the quill he had been holding. He hadn't written a word in possibly two minutes, and the ink had started to dry on the tip. He sighed, stood up from the desk he was seated at, and sat down on the floor next to Luna instead.
She smiled at him, and he found himself playing with a strand of her long blond hair that almost touched the ground.
Playing with her hair was probably not something he should be doing considering what was on his mind. He kept doing it anyway. It felt nice, intimate. And Luna didn't seem to mind.
Harry sighed. “I guess I am distracted. Sorry.”
“It's okay. You can tell me what's on your mind, if you want.”
He looked up at her. He didn't feel the urge to do anything with her. To kiss, or have sex, or whatever. He just felt comfortable. Really comfortable. And he wanted to cherish that.
“Are we friends?” He asked, and he immediately knew it wasn't the correct way to phrase the question.
“Of course we are, Harry.”
“No, I mean... I know we are. I know you're my friend. I just... I'm not friends with you like I am with Ron and Hermione.”
“I think everyone is different. And because of that, every relationship is unique. It is what makes meeting new people interesting.”
He let go of her hair, frustrated at his inability to express himself. “I know, I know. What I mean is... I don't know if I think of you as just a friend, or if I have a crush on you. I'm not gonna... I know you don't get crushes, and that's fine. I'm not gonna do anything. But I didn't want... I didn't know if it would make you uncomfortable, but I also just wanted you to know.”
Harry looked down at his hands. He wondered why he still hadn't learned to cast a spell that would create a hole in the earth he could fall into. Why weren't there spells for all the actually useful things?
When he finally looked up after a moment of weighty silence, Luna was slightly swaying from side to side, that movement she did that made it seem like she was always singing under her breath. She didn't look mad or hurt, Harry noted with relief. More like she was considering things.
She held his gaze for a while, still silent. It was finally Harry who spoke, needing to relieve his pent-up energy.
“Are we okay?”
Luna stopped moving and nodded. “Yes. I'm just thinking. I don't think I care, about how you feel about me. I don't think you need to care either.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I told you that I don't want to date, and as long as you respect that and know that I don't feel romantically attracted to you, I don't see how the type of your feelings actually matters. I think we tend to associate certain forms of relationship with the type of feeling they entail, but there isn't any written rule about it. As long as we respect each other's boundaries and just enjoy each other's company, does it matter what type of relationship or feelings are involved?”
“I don't... I've never...”
“That's just the way I think, of course. I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable, Harry. If you feel like you have to take your distance, that's perfectly understandable. I don't want you to feel pressured into-”
“Luna. Luna. Stop. I'm not leaving. That would be... That doesn't make sense. I love spending time with you. You make me discover so many new things, and I feel like I can be truly myself around you, because you don't... You don't judge. You don't expect things from people. Sometimes I feel like you're the only person in this school who makes any kind of sense, because at least you're always yourself. And I... this is a very selfish way to say it, but I want to keep that. I'd like to be your friend, Luna. As long as you want me to.”
She smiled a little at that, which caused sparks to erupt inside his stomach. He smiled back. They were nice sparks.
Love potions, it turned out. This whole mess had been caused by love potions. Harry had spent all this time trying to be supportive of his friend's unexplained crush, and actually it hadn't even been a real crush at all. Not all was lost, though, since Ron and Hermione seemed to have realised that they potentially felt something other than friendship for each other, but Harry still felt he had a right to his frustration.
The good thing was, he finally had his best friends back. And in the middle of Dumbledore's machinations, he needed them. They were hanging out in the Gryffindor common room when Ron finally asked the question.
“So, like... I feel like I've seen you a lot less than before in the past few weeks. You keep disappearing on your own... Do you have a secret you're keeping to yourself?”
Ron punctuated his question with a mischievous smile, which made Harry shudder. “I'm not hiding a romantic partner if that's what you're asking. Also, please, never ask that again. Considering what I had to deal with with you and Lavender for the past month, I feel like you owe me that.”
Ron's cheeks quickly turned bright red.
“It's okay if you don't want to tell us, Harry,” Hermione interevened. “Ron and I were just curious.”
Harry nodded. “I know. And it's not really a secret I'm hiding. It's just... I think I prefer to keep it to myself for now. That's a selfish way to say it but... yeah.”