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Wow. I mean, wow. It’s… just like that, it’s over? Huh. I would’ve thought I’d be more upset. Why aren’t I crying? I mean, I just lost my first campaign. Granted, I’ve only been involved in three, but still, I’ve lost one now. Shouldn’t I be upset? Why is a small part of me glad I don’t have to listen to the Vice-President’s crap anymore? I didn’t feel that way about President Bartlet when I left the White House. Maybe I’m in denial. I should call Toby. He’ll know what I’m going through. He used to lose campaigns all the time.
I’m just gonna… why am I holding my purse? Right, I was gonna go to my room. I get the room for the night, right? I mean, I’m technically unemployed now, or am I still employed until the announcement on the floor? Or until tomorrow when we clear everything out of the conference room we’ve been using as headquarters here? I’d guess I’m still employed until then, I can’t imagine the Vice-President wants to come down here and clear all this stuff out himself. He’s a bastard that way. Thinks everyone should do everything for him. Wait, what am I talking about? Going up to my room, right. To take a bath. A hot bath. I haven’t had one in months. I should’ve brought some bath supplies.
I could order room service after my bath. I haven’t eaten in two, maybe three days. I could get a salad, with grilled chicken, maybe some soup. Something that doesn’t come in a Styrofoam container. Maybe a steak? This is no doubt going to be the last meal on my expense account; I should make it count.
I could put on my pajamas after my bath. Curl up in my bed with a book. Scratch that; I don’t have a book with me. There hasn’t been time to read trashy romance novels or classics or even the cartoons in the paper. But I could put on my pajamas and watch the announcement while under the covers relaxing. That sounds nice.
So, I’m going up to my room to take a hot bath, order room service and then put on my pajamas and watch Josh on TV while relaxing in bed. Wait. That’s not right. Watch the President announce Congressman Santos as the nominee. Not watch Josh over in the corner with a smirk and the dimples and the overly pronounced swagger he’s definitely going to have going on. That Josh is sexy…wait… that’s just the exhaustion and possible shock talking.
Ok, so… I’m holding my purse and I’m leaving now. I look around as if to ask, anyone need me? No one says anything. The only people left in here are Will, looking downtrodden, and Robert. He’s cute; he wants me. I tilt my head and look at him. Nah…
So, bye co-workers of a short time. I don’t say that out loud. I just sigh and start towards the door. No anxiety attack like when I left the White House. No second thoughts, third, tenth thoughts. No trembling hands, and I’m guessing that once I’m alone there won’t be tears or sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring or picking up the receivers sixteen times to call and say I’ve changed my mind only to hang up at the last second.
Ok, here I go. I’m opening the door, one more glance back… nah. No glance back. I’m too tired, and quite frankly, I don’t care enough. I take a deep breath as I head down the hall. I’m unemployed, I’m not sure how I’m going to pay rent next month, I could be blackballed in politics, I’ve let down the Vice-President of the United States, the love of my life, and possibly the President and second greatest man I’ve ever met in my life. Still, I’ve got a small smile on my face. It must be the nervous breakdown I’m about to have.
“Donna.” I’ve gone about ten feet and turned a corner when I hear the voice, and I have to laugh at the irony of it. Haven’t I been through enough today? I’m not close enough to losing my mind? I have the urge to hang my head, but I can’t. Not to this voice. In front of this voice I have to be sweet, charming, and strong, which is ironic in itself, seeing as this voice has done more in the last few years to diminish my real smile and inner strength than any other voice I know. I plaster a smile on my face that’s fake and I’m sure looks it, but that’s ok, that’s the way this game is played. She knows I hate her. It’s ok that she knows I’m faking it when I pretend not to.
“Amy, hi,” I say, holding my head high. I look her in the eyes and she looks like a lioness, ready to pounce.
“How you holding up?” So she knows. It hasn’t been announced yet, but it will be in forty-five minutes. I was kind of hoping she’d have to wait like the rest of the country. Ok, kind of nothing, I was hoping. Really hoping.
The fake smile gets bigger. “I’m holding just fine, thanks.”
She looks shocked at that response, as though I’d tell her if I were upset. And why aren’t I, anyway? Upset I mean? Is it the shock? “Really? You do know…do you know?”
I can’t help rolling my eyes. “Of course I know, Amy. I’m second in charge for the losing guy. I know.” 'And I knew before you' is left out there hanging. She won’t acknowledge it, I’m sure, but I have no doubt it’s the truth. Not that it matters now. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course it matters. By the way, she’s interrupting my bath time.
“Probably wishing you’d followed Josh over to Santos right about now, huh?” She laughs as if it’s a joke, but we both know it’s not.
Followed Josh? “No, not really.” Hmm… that’s the truth. What do you know?
“Really,” she asks doubtfully. “You go out on your own once and fail miserably. Maybe you should’ve stayed in Josh’s shadow.”
“You’re talking to me about professional failure? That’s pretty ironic, don’t you think?” Rude, yes. But this woman’s been fired from more jobs than my older brother. And let me tell you, that’s a lot of jobs.
She raises her eyebrows; only once have I been this abrupt with her. She’s probably going to ask if I’m in love with Josh again. This time, I might just answer the little bitch. “Donna, you may have had a fun few months here, but let’s not forget who the political player in the conversation is, ok?”
I shrug. “I never really understood that anyway.”
“Why am I not surprised?” she asks with superiority in her voice.
“Really. So you’re the political player. What has it gotten you? How are you any different from us non-political players?”
“My influence for one thing.”
“Influence over whom exactly? Every time you try to influence someone, they fire you.”
She stares at me for a second before trying to surprise me. “Influence over Matt Santos for one. You know I’ve been working with them, right?”
I nod. “I do know that actually. I believe Josh’s exact words were, ‘thank God it was just that one time.’” That’s the truth. I didn’t even have to lie about that. Josh was complaining to CJ about it and Margaret overheard them on the phone and immediately called me. I meant to tell CJ she might not want to use the speakerphone when Margaret’s around, but I thought I should wait a while in case Margaret got anymore good scoop.
I can’t tell if I’ve hit a nerve or if she simply doesn’t believe me, but she shoots back anyway. “I’m sure I’ll be working with them more now that they have a real budget.”
I shake my head. When will she learn? “Amy, we both know which one of us Josh is going to offer a job to.”
Her eyebrows raise a little. “Ready to leave the spotlight and go back to being a secretary Donna? I guess I guess I can’t blame you. I mean, you’ve really proven over the past few months you’re capable of little else.”
Ouch. That hurt. And in fact, I am expecting a job offer from Josh. That might sound egotistical of me, but I know him and I know it’s coming. And no, I’m not ready to go back to being a secretary. I hope he knows that. I hope he doesn’t damage us even more by offering that to me.
“Thanks for your concern, Amy, but I think Josh and I are quite capable of discussing my qualifications without your help.” That wasn’t the greatest come back of my life, but it was truly the best I could do. I turn away from her then. “If you’ll excuse me, I need a long hot bath.”
I take several steps before her next sentence stops me in my tracks. “Being a political player got Josh in my bed.”
My eyes get huge and I’m sure I stop breathing. It takes several seconds to summon the power to turn back around to face her, and when I do, she’s smirking at me like the she-devil she is.
Part of me wants to slap her, to strangle her. To scream at her for taking him away from me for that year. That horrible year we’ll never get back. But then it hits me. We might never get it back, but we got past it. And suddenly, that thought makes me realize this: we’ll never get these past five months back, but we’ll get past them. Of course we will. There’s never been any doubt, really. It’s been hard, been horrible these last few months, but the entire time, it’s just been about getting past this convention, and a huge smile comes over my face when I realize we just got past it. So instead of strangling, screaming, or slapping her, I walk straight up to her and get mere inches from her. “Being a political player has gotten a lot of men in your bed, but it hasn’t kept any of them there.”
She sucks in a quick breath, appalled by what I’m implying, which is exactly what I was going for. But then she turns truly evil. The look on her face is unlike any I’ve ever seen on her before. “You want to know what he’s like in bed, Donna?” she whispers. “Is that why you hate me so much? Because I know and you don’t?”
I stare at her for a few seconds before nodding slowly. “Maybe. And why do you hate me so much, Amy? Because I could’ve taken him from you any time? Because you know he was never yours?”
We continue staring at each other for a few more seconds, and finally she turns and stalks away without another word. I stand gaping after her, shocked at myself. But then I hear Josh. Someone says congratulations and I hear him say, “Thanks, now comes the hard part.” I turn around and poke my head back around the corner I came from, and I see Josh standing in front of the door to the conference room Will and Robert are still in. He has his hand on the knob, but he doesn’t turn it, and a few seconds later he mumbles, ‘we need beer, I should bring beer’ and walks the other way down the hall quickly.
A smile comes to my face as I head back down towards the conference room. My bath can wait.