Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

2011

This day was long. There was nothing necessarily wrong with the day Phil had faced, it was just long. Far too long to be okay. He wanted to be home more than anything in the world, despite that home not exactly being the most normal thing in his life right now.

He knew his home was coming closer by the second as he sat on the tube, enjoying the ride as much as he usually did which was little to never. All Phil wanted to see was his bed, and soon he knew he would. Waiting for something caused frustration, but even the thought of it alone put him in a floating sort of feeling.

Anxiety dripped from Phil’s fingertips, his eyes scanning faces he would never see again. It felt as if nothing would make this feeling die down, a day of being social usually had this effect on him, but he tried to not let it bother him. It was something Phil had gotten used to dealing with, he’d be fine. Though the more he told himself this, the more he knew he was lying.

The deathly vehicle he sat in pulled to a stop, and he went from one cluttered mess to another. Everyone in the room as him wanted to get somewhere, and that’s something they all had in common with Phil. It amazed him to no end how everyone could be here at the same place, but all for different reasons even if it was the tiniest of changes within each person. Two people were late for dinner, but one was having dinner made by a loving family while the other was planning to cook for themselves, as they were all alone.

Calling for a cab was the easiest yet hardest thing he’s ever had to do, and waiting for it to come seemed even longer of a wait. The anxiety built up again, Phil really not wanting to interact with humans right now. It seemed like a negative way of looking at the world, but this usually wasn’t the case. Usually, he was a really happy person and enjoyed most things he did whether they involved people or not, but as he’d gone over this wasn’t any normal day and Phil, like most introverts, needed some serious time to get away from everything after being forced to spend non-stop hours with people. Phil took a deep breath, he could keep this up until he got home. He had to.

Phil took notice the awkward smile he gave to the man driving his cab, saying as little words as possible without coming off as rude. These poor cab drivers probably dealt with enough bullshit during the day, the last thing he’s sure they wanted was another rude person barking at them and ignoring them like they weren’t actual people. He sighed and watched his lovely city pass him by like a blur. Manchester was like warm soup to him, it felt like a big hug from a loved one in a time of need but didn’t exactly feel like it filled him up, if that made any sense. His strong urge to go home was suddenly dampened when he remembered what home was to him now. Home was home for two, and that change was sudden but exciting. He liked having a roommate so far, and he and Dan clearly got along seeing as it was no doubt his best friend, but still, after days like these he had a feeling having a roommate (especially one you were friends with) would start to show to be the pain everyone said it became. Of course, that was only a fear of his, but the straight up fact that Phil didn’t yet feel comfortable in his new apartment remained the fact it was.

Phil had been so lost in thought he hadn’t realized the cab driver had pulled to a stop, now looking at Phil and waiting for some sort of payment. Phil showed an awkward smile in apology then pulled out enough to cover the pay with a tip. The guy surely deserved it dealing with his awkward ass.

Getting out of the cab and into the fresh Manchester air made Phil more queasy than relieved. He couldn’t shake this anxiety about going home lately, so maybe he wasn’t totally used to having a roommate yet. He’d finally gotten his own place and realized how easy it was to become a homebody. Phil swears there was a straight week or two there where he just straight up didn’t leave his home, and the more he thinks about it now the more he realizes maybe the whole roommate thing was a good idea.

Still, all he wanted to do was hide after today. This horrid moment where he had to ask the window lady at Burger King to repeat herself over 7 times surely kept replaying in his head. He couldn’t get the annoyed look on her face out of his head, and the fact that he’d remembered it once more just further proved that today was not his day. He sighed to himself with more force then he intended to release and chewed on his lip. He’d just walk in and go straight into his room, not even let Dan know he was home. Then Dan wouldn’t wanna talk.

Seriously? Don’t be such a dick, Phil.

He sighed. No reason to treat Dan like that, the guy had enough of his own worries as is and already showed lots of anxiety in the two of them living together, why make it worse?

Phil took a deep breath for probably the 80th time that day and grabbed his house key from his pocket and opened the door, not knowing what he wanted when he came in anymore. All he knew was he wanted to feel relaxed cause he just couldn’t handle anymore draining stress.

Without really thinking, Phil pulled the door open and came inside, almost immediately closing it behind him before everything really hit him. First thing was he noticed was the smell, he couldn’t even think of what could possibly be making it smell good. That was the thing, it didn’t smell good, it smelled warm. The whole flat was warm and soon the sound came flooding in, and what a beautiful sound it was.

Dan was playing the piano. It echoed throughout the entire place and bounced off the walls. It was the prettiest sound Phil had ever heard, without a doubt. For some reason the second he heard it being played Phil knew for sure it wasn’t a song he’d heard before. It couldn’t be. It was too Dan, and that’s when he realized Dan was surely playing a song he’d written.

Phil vaguely remembers Dan mentioning something about being able to play the piano, but never failed to add badly at the end of every mention of it. Phil couldn’t imagine where and when Dan thought he played the piano badly. It was almost laughable.

It was incredible. Not just the piano playing, but the weight it had on Phil, or more the weight it took off of Phil. Everything he’d been carrying around with him seemed to be lifted off and thrown out the window, and suddenly nothing mattered except right here and right now. He didn’t mean to creep up or sneak a listen, as he assumed correctly that Dan was probably not one to share his playing or play in front of people at all for that matter, but his legs didn’t seem to give a fuck cause he was practically floating towards Dan.

Phil peeked his head around the corner and then saw Dan, letting his fingers dance across the keys like they were built for each other. Everything about it made Phil’s heart clench and melt. The sunset from outside the open window streamed into the room and right through Dan’s chocolate brown hair making it look like a fire was set within him, and Phil could believe there’d be one. His face was scrunched a little but peaceful, all of his focus on the piece he was playing as if he was imagining playing it in front of someone he loved more than life itself, and for the first time in Phil’s life ever he found himself wanting to be that person to Dan.

Now of course eventually Dan looked up, saw Phil, jumped and freaked because “you were watching me play this whole time?!” - and such. But when Phil replays that story in his head he doesn’t ever get to that part, he just sees Dan play, and hears the piano echo throughout his flat that now felt like nothing but a home to him.

Chapter Text

2012

Phil was the kinda guy that took advice from his mother to heart. He’d always been close with his family, it’s something he always loved about life cause he knew he always had them when things went wrong, but naturally like every kid he fought with his family as a teenager. Phil was a nice person even when he was younger, but he wasn’t aware of any person that didn’t get into fights with their family as a teenager. It was just the nature of life and the right of being a human.

One fight, in particular, stood out to him. He’d been feeling like a pretty edgy teenager that day and decided to take it out on his mom for pretty much no apparent reason. In all honesty, he can’t even remember what the fight was about, but that wasn’t the important part. The part worth remembering after all these years was the thing his mum called after him as he stormed away from her angrily to his room.

“Never go to bed angry!”

She’d said it like she was anxious that when the morning came Phil would never see his mother the same way again, like sleeping that night in a bad mood would change everything between them, and that would break her heart surely. Of course, teenager Phil at the time didn’t care and continued to storm away, but now the advice seemed to be a lot more useful and Phil found himself relying on it almost every day of his life lately.

So useful that he’d ended up calling it out to Dan after an intense fight they’d had the night before. He sounded a lot more heartbroken when saying it, and it made sense. Things were tense lately, as they had been for quite some time. Phil hated it and was always in the mood to let go of grudges and just be happy, but everything he did lately seemed to make Dan angry with him. He just couldn’t win. He could tell it was only a matter of time Dan got fed up with him and left, just packed his suitcases in the middle of the night and bolted. The idea of that made Phil’s stomach turn. They weren’t together, but it didn’t exactly take a genius to get that Phil was hardcore in love with Dan. It was easy to assume a lot of their fights lately had been about that seeing as Dan didn’t settle too easily with the idea of being with Phil or any guy for that matter.

Dan had gone to bed angry last night, because just like teenage Phil, Dan just huffed, rolled his eyes like that was a stupid thing to say, then stormed to his room and didn’t come out for the rest of the night. So because of that, Phil went to bed heartbroken, as he usually did lately. His mother gave a lot of good advice to him as a kid, great advice even, but he almost wished she’d warned him to never go to bed heartbroken rather than angry. He’d done both now and he could say with a certainty that heartbroken was much, much worse.

After falling asleep in situations like so it’s common you almost never want to wake up. Not in the suicidal I’m going to end my life way, just in the exhausted way. Like you’re upset and tired and broken inside, and you just can’t even fathom getting up and dealing with all the feelings and emotions left from the night before. So when Phil’s sad tired eyes opened, he just closed them hoping they’d never open again.

Of course the second they closed Phil perked up once more hearing some noises. His heartbeat picked up thinking it was Dan getting up and considering coming in to talk to him, but it wasn’t. It was actually rain beating up against the window. Well.. maybe beating was the wrong word. More like pattering, a light little tap like the kind Phil usually makes on Dan’s door hours after a fight wondering if things between them are finally okay, thinking of where to find the courage to ask if they can maybe for once stay okay.

Maybe things sounded worse than they were. Maybe things were worse than they sounded. Phil couldn’t bother making sense of it and instead just picked himself off the bed and dragged his body to the window, looking out of it and seeing the rain pour endlessly from the sky and drown his city in what looked like the number of tears he’d cried the night before. Okay maybe he was being dramatic now, but he was really tired of things being tense and all he wanted to do lately was hold Dan.

He’d never really get to do that.. would he?

Phil sighed.

A part of him actually considered going back to bed, not like anyone where he lived would care. In fact, he was sure no one would ever notice, but something stopped his thought from every finishing so he never got the chance to decide if more sleep was something he wanted or not.

Phil frowned and strained his ears. He must be going crazy cause it almost sounded like Dan was...

Dan was playing the piano.

It started off slowly, as did most of his playing, then it grew bigger and louder and before Phil knew it the sound of him playing was filling up their entire apartment, bouncing off the walls once more, never failing to echo throughout the place.

Phil had heard this song being practiced thousands of times, and yet he’d never asked Phil what it was. It sounded familiar the first time Dan had played it, but after time and time again Phil could never seem to remember the song Dan was playing. It occurred to him a few times to just ask Dan what the song was called, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Phil was at the point in his life where the idea of mystery was now overrated. He hated not knowing what mood Dan was gonna be in whenever he came home. Maybe things would be okay, maybe they’d be a hurricane of emotions. Phil was drawn to the ideal life where he knew Dan would be smiling when they walked through the doors even if the day was rubbish because they’d just learn to work like so. Still, this one particular thing he’d settle for nothing less than mystery, and maybe it showed one of the many ways Phil always tried to sabotage things that filled him with joy.

Phil left his bedroom before thinking and looked towards where the noise was coming from. Dan’s bedroom door was shut, but still, the beautiful music spilled from the cracks in the door and filled Phil up with a new hope, one he didn’t think he’d have as the situation he was in with Dan wasn't looking too great. Phil doesn’t like to admit he starts to silently cry at this part when he replays the story in his head time and time again. It’s too cheesy, doesn’t have a good ring to it I guess you could say. Instead, he just remembers how he stared in wonder at the shut door and the beautiful noise that was radiating from behind it, the same noise that just might be the key to keeping Dan in his heart and more importantly in his life.

It was such a simple sound, a piano, but right now it meant all the world to him. Seeing Dan play was usually his favorite part, but even with the door being closed Phil got the feeling for the first time in a long time that things might actually end up being okay between them. They might actually survive this as long as they stuck it out together. Phil was going to make sure they did, no matter what, but for now, he was simply going to listen.

Phil let his back lean against the wall with a soft thump then fell down to the floor with his back pressed to the wall the entire time, falling to his knees and letting it even out into a criss-cross. If he closed his eyes he could see Dan’s fingers dancing across the keyboard under them. He could see that little pinched up face of Dan’s he always had when he was playing any instrument. It was adorable to watch and Phil wished so desperately that he could see through walls just to see the twists and turns of Dan himself trying to pour his emotion into something that made the air in every room a little easier to breathe in, helped the light in every hallway of theirs shine like a star. The sound of rain from outside picked up again, and that mixed with the echo of the piano was all he needed right now to fix his current broken heart.

Chapter Text

2013

When Phil was 6 years old he was taken to an animal shelter with his older brother Martyn. He’d been asking for a puppy for as long as he could remember, and this was finally his chance to get one.

He remembers exactly how the place felt to be in, smelt even, though the smell of over 75 dogs in one area was hard to forget. His mum had to sign in, in his tiny building before they were let into the main area which was all outside, he only remembers cause in the dead heat of summer it was hell after a few hours, but at first for kid Phil it was nothing less than puppy heaven.

Cages were lined up like a store, all puppies sitting and waiting to be walked with the employees that worked there, but in the long game, they were waiting to be adopted. A lot of things had been said to Phil about picking the right dog, but none of that was going through his little head now as he scanned the cages looking for a dog, any dog, to bring home and love that night. His older brother was less into the idea as he was convinced he’d have to take care of the dog the most with Phil only being a kid and their parents working and all. While that may have been true, Phil was dead set on bringing a dog home that night.

About 2 hours into looking, Phil, realized none of the dogs there that day were exactly what he’d pictured when he was begging his parents for a puppy. In his mind, they’d be in a tiny building with tiny perfect puppies running over to him barking excitedly to be played with, but that wasn’t the case here. It was a shelter, so most of the dogs were older, unpopular breeds, and even sick. Phil in 2013 wouldn’t mind so much now seeing as all dogs were perfect to him, but as a little 6-year-old kid he wanted nothing less than the perfect dog he’d seen in his head. Still, he wasn’t seeing that, so Phil started pointing at randoms which had been his mother’s greatest fear.

He reminded her over and over that she’d promised Phil could get one today if he found one he really wanted, and though these dogs weren’t exactly what he had in mind he was still more than ready to convince her this was everything he’d wanted if it meant getting to take home a dog tonight to play with it.

Not to long later Phil was in a playpen meeting an 8-year-old pug with a rare skin condition that needed lots of medical treating. Anyone would look at that situation and assume he was doing it out of the kindness of his heart, but in all honesty 6-year-old, Phil just wanted instant gratification. His mum could tell this wasn’t what he had his mind on, anyone could, but her hands were tied as she had in fact promised and promises were a big deal in their household.

Phil remembers the woman who took the dog to the playpen for them to meet him. She was probably in her early 20’s, light blonde hair pulled back in a high ponytail and summer appropriate shorts on with a shelter employee shirt. She was kind and for some reason, Phil took to her. He listened to everything she had to say about the dog, and the second Phil’s family stepped off to the side the 20-year-old leaned down to Phil’s level to talk to him.

“Now Phil, make sure this is the doggy you want cause after you get it he’s yours for the rest of his life. Don’t get him just cause he’s here today. Patrick is a sweetheart, but I’ve told you he is sick, which means caring for him might be a little difficult so I really hope you’re ready for that. Remember, if you’re patient you can come back another time and get the exact dog you want”

Phil thought too much about this memory. It was all he could think about now for some reason, but it made sense. It was 1:00 am now, and in the last minute Phil had checked the clock over 15 times waiting for it to turn.

Dan had told him he was going out tonight. He’d said he might be back late. Phil knew he had plans, so he shouldn’t be freaking out, but all of that happened at 7:00 pm and Dan was still yet to be heard from. He went drinking with a few old friends what could have possibly happened?

Patience. It was all about patience. Still the end of that story kind of killed the entire moral, since after deciding not to get a dog he’d gone home with his family and waited 2 weeks to ask to go back and look again, only to be told no by his mum after she’d apparently discussed it again with his father and decided it wasn’t a good time to get a family pet.

Phil sighed, he was horrible about this and though the fighting had been fixed between them it still felt like Dan kept his distance for the most part. Phil didn’t want to control Dan, it was just nights like these where he wanted to know Dan was his the most, but he wasn’t, and Phil had to accept that at some point.

Phil’s head shot up at the door being open, keys jangling and footsteps dragging and stumbling in. A rush of relief washed over him realizing Dan was finally home, and was okay and happy and maybe drunk but what mattered was nothing bad had happened to him, right? Phil couldn’t help but smile before standing from his bed, stepping out of his room and into the hallway to meet eyes with Dan and.. someone else.

At this moment in life, Phil knew without a doubt that this was the worst feeling in the world. Jealousy mixed with shame and embarrassment. It was a heat that oddly resembled lust, but in your face and stomach instead of in your groin. It was hot but in a stuffy way like you couldn’t breathe, and it bled across your skin and made that headache noise in your ears that sounds like your underwater. His thighs itched and heart started racing and suddenly all he wanted to do at the moment was run or punch a wall. Instead, he just averted his gaze and made a small ‘oh’ noise to reassure them him watching them was not planned.

Dan stood before him, hair a miss and cheeks flushed red. Phil hated himself for thinking of how actually beautiful Dan looked. He’d never wanted to kiss him as badly as he wanted to right now, and that made Phil feel so stupid he might cry. He couldn’t see her face, he’d looked away before she turned her head. She had tan skin, darker like Dan’s which Phil had always admired. Her hair was long and brown, she wore a simple black blouse and short black skirt that Dan currently had his hand up in between her thighs, Phil only now seeing it in the corner of his eyes even while looking away. All the heat was now replaced with the strong urge to vomit. Why couldn’t this moment end?

“M’..s-shit Phil, didn’t know you were awake” Dan muttered like he was having a hard time believing this was all actually happening. Phil was too, but this was unfair of him. Dan was single and straight and not in love with Phil, he should be allowed to do this without the world ending, but it didn’t take this awful feeling away from Phil.

All Phil could now think about was that Dan planned on doing this while Phil was asleep. In their flat. He wondered sickly if this was something he’d done before while Phil was asleep.

Phil took in a breath, trying to tell himself to answer Dan cause he was waiting a strange amount of time to do so, but he couldn’t get himself to. Phil just nodded very soft and quick then turned around without looking, making a straight shot right to his bedroom and closing the door behind him. His heart was still racing, and now the tears were filling up his eyes and dammit he couldn’t slow his breathing down. It was getting hard to think. It was getting hard to be okay. How could he so easily bring this.. this stranger into their house and do anything with her?

He shoved his face in his bed and squeezed his eyes tightly. It was impossible to get out of his head. Phil tried to think of anything else but his mind just was filled with evil garbage, seeing flashes in his head of Dan running his hands up and down her, kissing her skin, pleasuring her. Phil just about screamed at himself to stop imagining it. Before he knew it he was sobbing into his pillow. This was gross, he felt absolutely pathetic. Phil was more or less still heartbroken.

Phil kept his head on his pillow, the tears coming to an end at one point. He didn’t dare pick his head up, let his ears possibly pick up the sounds of them in Dan’s room. Phil didn’t have the heart to listen to it. He knew if he heard Dan have sex with somebody he’d never truly be the same.

This seemed almost too dramatic, but it was how things were. Phil couldn’t help it, he loved everything about Dan and couldn’t seem to let it go. Every time he tried to drop it, push it away it just came back harder. He’d think things were going fine but sooner or later Dan would flash him a smile with his little laugh and Phil would be up all night thinking about it. Love made people different.

It’d been some time now, and Phil was starting to get sort of tired before a sound made its way into Phil’s ear after all. He winced, holding the pillow to his ears tighter not wanting to hear anything Dan was doing. It was faint, but the sound seeped through, and Phil then realized it wasn’t the sounds of Dan in bed with someone, which made Phil drop the pillow slowly in confusion.

Phil sat there with his eyebrows knitted, not believing what he was hearing. It was Trouble by Coldplay, but where it was coming from Phil honestly didn’t know. Was it coming from his computer? He didn’t remember his computer sound having an echo to it.

Phil stood up and walked a few steps toward the door before it hit him. It was Dan’s piano, Dan was playing. A sudden strike of pain went through his chest at the idea that Dan was playing the song for the girl in his room. Dan only ever played for Phil, it was their thing. Take his love but no one Dan has can every take his and Phil’s connection over Dan playing for him.

He didn’t know what exactly possessed him to leave his room and put his hand on Dan’s doorknob, but apparently coming into his room was something he was actually doing because it was now turning and now open. Man, he really didn’t give a fuck, did he?

To Phil’s surprise, it just Dan. Dan sat with a straight back, letting his fingers twirl over keys on the piano. Phil’s presence didn’t stop Dan from playing, and he was glad. He didn’t bother asking why the girl wasn’t there anymore, because Dan was playing and that’s all that mattered now.

Dan was less focused than he usually was, probably from being still tipsy. Still, he made no mistakes and had a freeing feeling to him, and Phil was entranced in watching Dan play. Dan’s eyes were closed, and he let his head tip back slightly as he let the song come from within him like it's always been there. Dan looked like he cared so little while also caring a lot. The blush on Dan’s cheeks was still there from drinking, but he had a different aura to him now, like he was trying to speak to Phil through his song. It touched Phil, and he couldn’t imagine looking away as Dan now reached the bridge, Phil’s favorite part of the song.

Dan’s movements were quick but soft, everything looking like natural instinct as if he was made to play this one piece. He treated the piano with such love and gentle care but played it expertly almost as if he were making love. It took Phil’s breath away, and at one point he’d started crying but only noticed when the tears fell from his chin onto his hand that was holding onto the doorframe tightly like he was so scared of losing this moment. He truly never wanted it to end, but the second he started to get used to seeing Dan in such a beautiful state it ended, as most things tend to.

Dan turned to look at him and opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Phil knew he was sorry, he didn’t have to say that, and Dan could tell that Phil didn’t need words. He needed actions. His jaw fell shut and let the silence remain between the two of them.

Maybe all Phil needed was patience.

Chapter Text

2014

Here’s something Phil wished anyone had told him instead of all the other useless scraps of advice he’d gotten in his past. Never trust something someone says when they’re feeling vulnerable. Of course, he hadn’t learned that yet, but he would eventually.

Phil has to admit, there’s something mesmerizing about watching the city of London pass by from a cab during Christmas time. Sure, it’s cold and his fingers are red and numb and he hasn’t felt his feet since he left the apartment this morning, but none of that’s mattering to him as he watches the town move before his eyes, the city dressed up for Christmas as well as all the people walking about in it.

His head drifts down to the bags he’s filled the rest of the cab with full of last-minute presents and is suddenly really glad he knows Dan isn’t at home at the moment. Dan’s out working on stuff for their book and other stuff, so the flat will be empty and bringing in all these secret presents will be very easy seeing as he won’t have to awkwardly tell Dan to look away when stumbling into the flat.

Before Phil could really finish this thought the cab pulled to a stop and he was faced with getting out. He paid the cab driver and left the car, all the bags wrapped in his cold aching fingers as he quickly made his way to the door of his place, fumbling with the key and having real trouble getting inside seeing as it was freezing. It took far too long for Phil’s liking, but at one point he finally got into his home and sighed happily at the warmth from inside. Phil looked around with a smile at their decorated place, it was looking really good and always felt really homey during Christmas time. Something about this year had just felt right the moment it’d started, and it was almost a shame it was going to end soon.

Phil sighed softly and decided to get to work before Dan got home instead of thinking about stuff he knew he couldn’t change. He tossed his coat off since he was already too warm to keep it on, then grabbed all the items and took them to his room to lay about across his bed. Phil grinned then took the wrapping paper from the other side of the room and began wrapping the first present he grabbed from the bag, a book he’d gotten Dan. Presents were passed between them often throughout the entire year, so they never really felt the need to go overboard during Christmas time, so instead of insanely expensive stuff he just got little tiny stuff he knew Dan would love or stuff that was more thoughtful than expensive.

He knew the presents he got would make Dan happy, and that’s all that mattered.

Phil continued to wrap all the presents he had before getting to the last bag. He yawned softly, tired from the day. He’d woken up at 4 am and hadn’t been able to get back to sleep so a well rest was something he’d been lacking. He hated not getting sleep through the entire night, it bugged him the entire day.

He took the first item from the last bag, a present for his brother Martyn who he’d see for Christmas. Phil smiled softly and started wrapping the presents while lying on his side before his limbs gave up and he was lying down and soon enough sleeping.

-

The thing about piano keys is they’re as sharp as they are soft. They have a far away softness to them but the initial sound is ringing and present, very confident but humble of a sound. So when Dan hit one particularly hard when playing from his bedroom, it jolted Phil slightly awake from his bed.

Phil groaned softly, looking at the mess around him. It was covered in wrapping paper mess and a few loose presents he’d neglected to wrap before lying down and watching a quick nap. Guess it was a well-needed nap but his body wasn’t exactly does resting since he was still exhausted feeling, so Phil couldn’t help but frown, his eyes now following and searching for the noise that’d woke him from such a peaceful sleep.

His bedroom door was open, so the echo was the first thing he noticed. It only echoed when he needed it the most, Phil was starting to notice this. He couldn’t tell why he needed it now, but maybe that fact would show itself soon enough. He wiped his face with his eyes hoping to wake himself slightly, then silently lifted himself from his cluttered bed and put his feet to the floor, walking over to Dan’s bedroom, his door also open.

Dan always had paler skin in winter, but it seemed to glow at the moment. His hair was in a perfect swoop, and the color was darker than usual. He wore a black jumper for the winter air, and he’d never looked so relaxed and happy in his life. Each time Phil watched him play he got more and more beautiful. A Radiohead song flooded the bedroom and bounces off the walls, pouring straight from the piano. He’d been playing it over and over again lately, proud that he’d learned how to play it, but this one was different. There wasn’t a camera or a guest over, there wasn’t anything to show for and no proof Dan had ever played right here right now, and yet he was playing the piece better than he ever had and it was all for only Phil to hear.

Things had been different lately and they both knew, this only proved it more so. Phil couldn’t tell what exactly had changed, but he hoped this was a chance to find peace in the way he felt about Dan. Phil was hopeless in the fact, but he wanted nothing more at this point than to just put the feelings to rest. The only problem was Phil couldn’t seem to do so, especially not with Dan looking more and more perfect every single day of his breathing life.

Phil had been standing there for a quite a while now, and Dan knew he was there but continued to play. If he’d stopped when Dan noticed Phil there it would've clearly been because he wasn’t in the mood for an audience, but he didn’t. Instead, he stopped right then, suddenly. Phil watched it happen, he was playing perfectly and didn’t mess up, but there was a hiccup in Dan’s movements, not physically but more emotionally. He just stopped, and the song died into a calm but empty silence, leaving Dan confused as to why he could no longer play.

“It was beautiful” Phil spoke. He wanted to clarify what he actually meant was Dan is beautiful, but he couldn’t say that.

Dan turned his head to meet Phil. He didn’t smile with his mouth, but he smiled with his eyes. Dan got in these thinky moods often, but it was happening lately more often than not. He’d just stay quiet and answer simply, look at the ground like he wasn’t sure what to say or more importantly when to say it. Phil hated how much he cared, all he wanted to be was let into all of Dan’s emotions and feelings. He wanted to tell him everything was gonna be okay even though he didn’t know that and probably never would actually know that.

It didn’t matter. Phil ached to see Dan happy.

“Merry Christmas Eve” Dan spoke. Out of all the things Dan could’ve said that’s probably the one Phil expected to hear the least. Probably because Phil had forgotten it was even Christmas Eve. There was something about actual Christmas day that made him upset, and it wasn’t even the fact that he’d be on a plane tomorrow to fly over to his family's place. It was more than that. The vibe of Christmas was so warm and welcoming, all the actual day did was make it impossible to continue celebrating it.

“I think Christmas day makes me sad” Phil answered dumbly. It was all he could really think of to say, the only thing that was on his mind at the moment. Dan smiled weakly but it died quickly, his mind obviously taking over the spoken words of Phil and either eating it up or twisting it about until Dan was feeling even worse.

“A lot of things make me sad,” Dan said, which was something that didn’t surprise Phil.

“I think you’re the only thing that makes me happy” He continued. Well, that surprised him. Phil into Dan’s eyes almost as if to ask him why he’d say such a thing when he was usually so scared to talk about the two of them like that. Had things between them really changed that much? A big part of Phil didn’t want 2014 to end, and that part was getting bigger by the second. The future was big and unknown, one second things might be fine but the next it might be torn apart again.

Dan stood and walked closer, bringing his warmth with him. It radiated off of his body and encircled Phil, drawing him in emotionally but Phil managed to keep his ground. If for one second Phil got the wrong idea and reacted to it oddly, it might throw Dan off and scare him away forever. Okay maybe that wasn’t true anymore, but Phil still always had his worries about it now. Phil wasn’t just in love with Dan, it was his best friend too. Hiding his feelings hurt him daily but if it meant keeping his best friend, his home, then he’d do it in a heartbeat.

All of that flew out the window when Dan did something he never expected.

Phil was always a fan of when people surprised him. Did things you wouldn’t expect they’d do, something unnatural and out of the ordinary for them. Breaking stereotypes and having hobbies in places you wouldn’t assume. Like a really edgy teenager actually loving basic stuff, or a football player obsessed with ballet, an aesthetic pastel girl who skateboards and eats like a pig. This wasn’t just a normal surprise, this was beyond Phil’s wildest dreams.

Dan leaned in and kissed Phil.

Phil was sure time had stopped, or maybe it was just his heart refusing to continue pumping. He wanted to see this happening but his eyes wouldn’t open, they couldn’t. Maybe somewhere deep down he was terrified that this wasn’t actually happening, but right now he didn’t want to consider that. If this was fake then ignorance really was bliss. He was flying, rocketing through the afterlife. His face was coated in thick warmth when the lips on his moved softly, only proving furthermore that they were actually there, and this wasn’t just some sick twisted fake reality where he’d wake up and nothing had actually happened. Remember this and never forget it.

Dan pulled away so soon Phil swore he could start crying. Phil had never kissed someone he was in love with, and now he finally understood all of it. He understood why it was all worth it, but now all he could do was look into Dan’s eyes, straight into his soul and try to find the same emotion somewhere in there.

Of course, Dan didn’t give him the chance, averting his gaze. He’d never known someone so secretive about their emotions while also being so desperate for someone to be aware of them. It was maddening. Dan was maddening and drove him crazy. Phil was losing his mind and yet all he wanted to do was kiss Dan until he couldn’t breathe. Kiss him until he never had to breathe again. Dan took Phil’s hand, distracting from his mind, and moving them together towards Dan’s bed.

Phil’s heart was racing, what was Dan doing? He’d been waiting this whole time for Dan to snap out of it, get embarrassed and say to forget about what he’d done and never think about it again cause why else would he ever kiss Phil? It was obviously an accident and yet here they were going to the bed and now lying down on it. Dan didn’t seem to have intentions of being sexual with Phil, which actually made him slightly relieved, but it was still one of the most romantic feelings he’d ever had and all he was doing was lying on a bed with Dan.

Lying on a bed with someone he’d been in love with for years now. While it snowed outside.

Phil never wanted to forget this, he never wanted to leave this bed cause the scary thing about having a dream is the second you think you have it, it falls apart.

“Phil?” Dan asked in the tiniest voice he’d ever heard. Here it comes, all crashing down and he’ll have the watch the dream become unreachable. Here comes Dan screaming all the reasons why kissing him was a mistake and why he’d never look at him the same way again. Here comes the dreaded Dan moving out he knew was coming. Here it all comes, Phil just wanted it to get here. Here it comes.

“I’m in love with you”