Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“If I wanna sing of everything that we have been through,

i'll run out of words

But if I could sing of just one thing,

It'd be your melody

If I wanna write a story about you and me, would you believe me,

I'll ran out of pages

But if I could write of just one moment,

It would be forever. ”

- Refrain by Afgan -

Jaemin sleeps everywhere. He slept while watching a movie, thirty minutes in when Lion King was playing, with body sprawled across the sofa and mouth slightly parted as his breathing goes even. He slept beside the freezer, claimed it was too hot that summer day.

He slept outside his room in the balcony once, with pink flower petals from the fallen leaves of magnolia tree covering the floor where he laid, hair a mess of black tangled locks. He didn’t care, he said one perfect afternoon. He didn’t even care when his mom scold him afterwards for being too reckless because it was spring, and he can’t stand the pollen carried by the spring breeze which caused him to sneeze for a week.

He fell asleep on the floor in the library, surrendered the book he’s been reading to the sets of heavy eyelids, exploring the dreamland for a a little while.

Jaemin sleeps everywhere.

Sometimes he’s lost and nobody could find him. Like he was playing hide and seek and didn’t show up to announce his victory. Like the earth had swallowed him, and he is scaring everyone when most of the time, he’s just sleeping some place that most people won’t even laid a hand on. Like that abandon warehouse down the block where only rats and tiny beetles roam the place. Or that muddy lake beside his elementary school, where he went home covered with red dots all over his hands and legs because weaver ants were apparently biting his sleeping body.

Jaemin sleeps everywhere.

But at least Jeno always found him.

---

It started as a silly escapade, Jeno was always alone at home, being an only child with both his parents a busy lawyers who always went on a business trips and never stayed home for more than a week, unless it’s Christmas then they will be indulging their only son with toys and everything he ever wanted. Taking him to Japan for Disneyland, or catching fish in Jeju Island. Jeno was always lonely, until he met Jaemin.

Na Jaemin was his neighbor, a boy two years younger than him, live right beside his house with his two little sisters and their beautiful, strong mother. He was cheerful, a smile so wide and two of his brown eyes were always glowing every time he laughed, creating a pretty crescent moon that always did something to 12 years old Lee Jeno’s Heart.

It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, he was confused. He didn’t know what was that feeling at first. Why was his chest felt like it might burst whenever the younger had smiled at his jokes, or laughed when Jeno messed up his lego and almost cried.

He didn’t know if he can ask his almost absent parents why, and he wasn’t sure either if he can confront Auntie Song who was his caretaker, about the butterflies flying in his stomach whenever he returned home from the Na House, face red after he almost thought of kissing his friend’s temple because it had looked lonely when they watched the Lion King together, even if the later fell asleep for the first 30 minutes, leaving Jeno unfocused about how the popular movie ended and instead watching the sleeping Jaemin on the sofa, so peaceful and beautiful. He was so small, Jeno felt like the world could swallow him in a whim.

Their friendship went like a rollercoaster. At least for Jeno because he felt like he needed to always protected the younger, especially since Jaemin had a tendency to be asleep on the strangest place and didn’t care if that place caused his allergies to went bad, or the grass where he laid at noon after class break were full of weaver ants that bit his hands and legs.

Memory of the lake was the worst because that was the first time Jeno saw Jaemin cried from pain, he was a fifth grader at that time, and had run like a mad bull when Donghyuck, Jaemin's classmate, told him that his friend went missing after eating lunch and never came back to class for the second period. Jaemin had cried when Jeno found him, screaming from pain because his hands and legs were bitten from the vicious little creatures.

The back of his school uniform were dirty from the wet soil he had slept on, and Jeno ran to him, pulling the younger hands to himself, getting him away from the lake area. He was so mad, he wasn’t sure his anger were towards Jaemin for his recklessness, or the things that had made the younger cried. “Why are you so reckless?” Jeno sigh, bending to check on Jaemin’s hands and legs in case he still had an ant roaming somewhere.

At this point, the boy were already covered on red dots, some were even shown a sign of bleeding. And Jeno growled, he hated seeing Jaemin in pain.

“I’m sorry…” The boy said with a low voice. “I was gonna leave after taking a short nap there because it was so nice, but i woke up with the ants on my body, they were big and red, and they bit me!” Jeno looked up to see Jaemin, eyes glassy with threatening tears down his face, he was clearly trying to hold it back.

After making sure that there’s no more ants on Jaemin’s body, Jeno stood up to match his height with the sniffling boy. He stared at him right in the eyes, he remembered, but he didn't remember if he was giving him a wrathful expression, or a sad one. Either way, Jaemin just went blank, even when the tears he tried to hold back started to really fell down his cheek.

“Don’t ever do that again, it’s dangerous there. The teachers put fences around it on purpose, Nana. There could be dangerous animals, more dangerous than those weaver ants that bit you.” Jeno said. He wipes Jaemin’s tears with the back of his hand, “now let’s get you to the nurses. Do you want me to call aunt Na?”

Jaemin shakes his head. “No, she’ll be mad at me.”

“She should be. Look what happened to you.” Jeno said while helping the boy by putting his hand around Jaemin’s shoulders.

“Are you mad at me then?” Jaemin asked.

Jeno laughed. “No. But I’m mad.”

“At who? You just said it wasn’t me, so don’t take it back.”

Jeno laughed again at that. “I’m mad because you are hurt. I hate seeing you hurt.”

Jaemin went silent at Jeno’s answer, they were walking side by side, going to the school infirmary with careful steps. “I…” He trailed off. “I won’t do that again. Promise. I won’t make you mad again.” Jeno smiled, tightening his hold by circling his hand on Jaemin’s hips.

“Don’t you hear me? I said I’m mad because you’re hurt, not at you. So just try to not get hurt and i won’t be mad again.” Jaemin, a little shorter than Jeno at that time, turned to looked at the older boy on his side, making them both stop walking.

“That goes to you, too. Don’t get hurt, Jeno Hyung.”

And there, again, Jeno felt like he stopped breathing. Because Jaemin smile, the brightest one Jeno ever saw. Or maybe one of the brightest. He thought every smile Jeno could produce out of the younger were the brightest, anyway. But their faces were so close, like Jeno could step a little forward and he could kiss Jaemin’s temple, or put his lips on the track of tears left down his cheeks. Or he could burst, he can surely explode there, too, if Teacher Kim didn’t call the two boys name down the corridor. Worried written on her face.

Jeno and Jaemin separate their gazes on each other to actually look forward at the panicking teacher.

“Oh dear, what happened?” The homeroom teacher asked.

Jeno cleared his throat, making sure that he didn’t actually lost his voice in Jaemin’s smile seconds ago. “Jaemin were bitten by the weaver ants, Teacher. He needs to go to the infirmary and get it treated.” He answered for the both of them.

Teacher Kim finally laid her eyes on Jaemin, scanning him up and down and finally gasps when she saw red dots all over the boy’s body. She didn’t say anything anymore and just ushered the two students to the infirmary at the east wing.

That noon, Jeno ditched his second period to accompany Jaemin, soothing the boy down by holding his hand when he screamed because the nurse had rubbed his wound and cut with ointment and iodine. He also went home with Jaemin so he can help explain to Aunt Na why was her son coming home with red dots and many bandages on his body. Jeno had convinced the woman it was indeed wasn’t a fight, and Jaemin didn’t beat up anyone except for those barbaric, wicked ants.

---

Jeno wasn’t sure what could have drawn him to the younger.

Perhaps it’s the way his eyes flicker whenever he felt excited to have Jeno for a sleepover because his parents weren’t home. Or maybe it’s the way he sleeps, so soundly as if the world is a safe place for someone as beautiful as him.

Maybe it’s after that one Summer holiday where he spent a month abroad for a holiday in the US with his parents, the feeling of longing and yearning slowly eating him up every morning because he misses the younger.

Maybe when he finally understood how missing someone for their absent does apply to Jaemin too, not just his parents. That hot Summer day in August when he was 13 years old, two days before Jaemin turns eleven, Jeno brought him back an Iron Man figures as souvenir and the younger gave him a warm hug when he returned, all smile that transfer right into Jeno’s little heart. He made a mental note to never went far from home again.

What Jeno could understand, though, is that things always seems right whenever he was with Jaemin. They talked about many things, too much to last a lifetime. Jaemin probably knows him better than his parents, and Jeno already knows what goes through his little sleepy mind.

Could find him hidden in the library, fast asleep with books abandoned by his side, the sun shining down on him and Jeno stays, standing with his body covering the lithe figure dozed out on the floor, letting the sun hit him instead until the younger woke, yawning away his sleepiness with a smile.

“Hi,” he said, yawning. Jeno moves to sit beside him, no longer standing as the sun still shines through the tall window.

“Donghyuck was looking for you, he said you gonna miss lunch.” he said, picking up what book Jaemin was reading until he got bored and fell asleep. It was a Knowledge Dictionary with a drawing of little Hitler and Beethoven as the cover.

“Did he called you again? I told him not to call you if I’m missing though,” Jaemin said. Leaning his head on Jeno’s shoulder who sits beside him. Both narrowing their eyes as the afternoon sun blinding down on them.

“It’s the first day of school, Jaemin Ah. You just became a middle schooler. How could you missed lunch?”

Jaemin just closed his eyes. “I got distracted.” He said, hugging both of his knees while his head still rest on Jeno’s shoulder. As if he Remembered something, he quickly got up, staring right into Jeno’s eyes. “Wait, if i missed lunch, don’t you skip it too?”

“Yeah. But, i got us sandwich, here,” Jeno reached out behind him, pulling out a paper bag with two sandwiches and two bottles of orange juice he got from the school convenience store. “I was kinda waiting for you to taste the school lunch, though. I’ve told you they made the most delicious bulgogi on Monday.”

“Oh the one that made by the pretty Noona?” Jaemin said and Jeno nodded. He did say that Ji Hye Noona is pretty when he told Jaemin the other day. Jaemin then reaches his hand to accept what Jeno gave him, drinking the juice first. “I’ve met her this morning, i think. She gave me kimbab.”

Jeno eyes widen, but he’s not entirely surprised. Jaemin somehow always managed to enchant older girls and ended up with candy and sweets. Like that time when he went to the hospital to treat his broken back because he fell while playing badminton, and somehow went home with candies from the nurses because they thought Jaemin was so charming.

Jeno couldn’t blame them, though.

“How come she never gave me kimbab too? I’ve been here longer than you.” Jeno asked, taking his first bite of tuna sandwich.

“Maybe because you never compliment her new pin for the day, or helping her carries the bulgogi you were talking about all the way to the hall.” Jaemin said, finally biting down on his teriyaki sandwich. He holds out his hand to brush the corner of Jeno’s mouth where bread crumbs were slipping out of his lips. “Can we even eat here? It’s a library.”

Jeno hides a smile by drinking his milk, glad it was almost a habit for both of them to take care of each other like that, or he might have already blush. “I’m friends with the librarian, he lets me eat here from time to time.”

“Really?” Jaemin said. “I’ll be his friend too, then.”

Jaemin indeed became friends with the librarian, they eat kimbab together the next day and even brought his friend, Donghyuck and the new kid, Renjun, at lunch. Jeno wondered if there were even anyone in the world that didn’t like Jaemin. Or even stop loving him. If there is, well, Jeno is open to some suggestion to stop his overly crazy beating heart.

---

“Someone kissed me today.” Jeno’s hand stopped mid air, he was about to throw the basketball into the ring but what Jaemin said suddenly felt like a big punch onto his stomach.

They were both in an empty park near their neighborhood. It was a family park, with swings and a see saw in the corner and a medium size basketball court. Both Jeno and Jaemin happens to love going to that same park since they were kids, even when sometimes Jeno went accompanying Jaemin to the badminton court near Yongsan.

Now Jeno is in his second year of high school, while Jaemin just become a senior in middle school, and winning his first match as a badminton player. He didn’t say anything for a moment, and Jaemin had his eyes fixed on the older boy. Fidgeting his finger at the side of the court. He didn’t really enjoy basketball as much as Jeno, but he’s always there to watch Jeno practice for his matches, sometimes he plays at the swing or sit at one side of the see saw, sometimes he joins Jeno at the court and try pathetic shoot to the ring.

Jeno finally throws the ball he’s been neglecting to the ring, he missed it and the ball bounces to the side. Watching the ball vanished through the bushes and didn’t even make a move to get it back, he turns his head to the younger boy, sweat dripping on the back of his t-shirt and at the side of his face, he brushes a messy locks of black hair to the back. “Did you like it?” He finally let out a voice. Did you like them.

Jaemin shrugged, folded his hand in his chest and stared back at Jeno. “I don’t know. It was too sudden, my mind went blank.” He said as Jeno went closer. “She went up to me with her friends, gave me a box of chocolate and when her friends left, she leans closer and peck me on the lips, said she likes me and ran, i didn’t even have time to answer.”

Jeno lets his eyes wander anywhere but to the younger, especially not to his lips. He didn’t even care if he looked stupid with disgusting sweat trailing down his clothes or reddening face from the excessive amount of throwing the ball before. He was angry, because that girl probably kissed Jaemin without his consent, leaving him confused right there and then. Jeno’s not even sure if he gets to be angry, if a friend supposed to feel what he is feeling right now. Because he wants to either strangled someone’s head or just yelled at them for kissing Jaemin.

Jeno let out a loud sigh, pretending he was just tired from practice, because that’s what he does best. Pretending. He put his head down, both hands on his hips. “Well, you finally got your first kiss now, huh.” It feels like what a friend would say, especially since Jaemin always gushed about having his first kiss and how would it feels like while Jeno was having a little mental breakdown because all he wanted to do was exactly that, having his first kiss with the boy he likes. Jaemin grimaces, still playing with his fingers.

“Doesn’t felt like a kiss to me.” Jaemin said with a pout, and Jeno chuckles.

They were about five meters away from each others and Jeno moves forward, rubbed the top of Jaemin’s head. “How do you even know what a kiss supposed to feel like?” He said, and run back to get his missing ball in the bushes.

“I thought i’m gonna have mine with the one i like, at least.” Jeno finally gets the ball he tried to find under the bushes, but he didn’t immediately stride back to Jaemin’s sides, instead dribbling the ball a few times.

“You don’t like her?” He asked.

“I barely know her, she’s not even in my class.” Jaemin said, staring at Jeno.

“Then why don’t you try to get to know her?” Jaemin went quite. Jeno shoots the ball, it went in this time.

“Should i?” Jaemin asked. Jeno just nodded. He decided to stop, going back to Jaemin’s side, holding the basketball. Jaemin throws him a water bottle and Jeno catches it with ease.

“Have you?” Jaemin said, looking at Jeno who is now drinking from the water bottle.

“Have i what?” Jeno shots back, wiping out a drop of water that’s dripping out of his lips.

“Kiss someone.” Jaemin was looking at him, Jeno doesn’t even dare to look at him when he said, “No.”

The younger of the two nodded, now gazing at the empty court in front of him.

“Then, don’t you want to? Kiss someone, i mean.”

So much.

Jeno wanted to curse, he wanted to say that yes, he did want to kiss someone and that someone happens to be you because you are so beautiful and your lips looks lonely and i just want to erase what have been somebody’s lips whereas it was supposed to be mine.

But instead, he let out a, “maybe.”

Coward.

Jaemin laughed, then. “I think we all did, huh.” He said. “Do you want to eat ice cream? I suddenly wanted something sweet.”

Jeno just nodded again, he picked up his sling bag from the floor, throwing the water bottle that belongs to Jaemin to the younger own bag and packed it up, giving it to the boy who put it on his shoulder immediately. “Yeah, let’s go.” He stated.

They both got on their bikes, pedaling to the nearest convenience store to get a cold ice cream. Jeno got the melon flavour one while Jaemin got his usual watermelon ice because he can't eat milk, and brought back two other strawberry flavour for Jaemin’s sisters, they didn’t ride their bike home, instead walking side by side, one grip on the pedal and the other holding the sweet desserts.

They talked about Jeno’s basketball team match next week and Jaemin’s high school entrance exam next Monday. Talked about Jaemin’s new friend, Chenle, who just transferred from China and Renjun’s old friend who is in sophomore year. Also the tall looking boy, Jisung, whom he met on the badminton match last month and still a junior.

All the while with Jeno’s mind still preoccupied by what’s the younger was telling him before. After all, Jeno is the master at hiding. Maybe it’s not just Jaemin who hides and couldn’t be found, maybe it’s him too. With a shits ton of feelings.

The next week, the girl that kissed Jaemin is announcing to the whole school that she got her first kiss with her boyfriend, Na Jaemin.

Jeno went home alone, he remembered he didn't go outside of his room until midnight, playing games on his PlayStation as a distraction.

But god knew who was he trying to fool.

---

“Until when will you keep this a secret?” Jeno glanced at Mark who sat beside him, he holds the game controller tighter, getting a little clue on what his friend were saying.

Mark had his eyes focused on the television where they play games. It was a warm day with a hint of moving clouds in the bright sky, their second year at high school just ended and they should welcome their third year in about a month.

Despite the pressure of the upcoming bar exams he should started to prepare, Jeno took the time out of his many tutoring to play games with his friend. Originally, he didn't really care about the exams, up until last month when his mother said to him that if he really wanted to become someone specializing in Law like his parents, there's no other way than to study. So, yeah, he was a little adamant about studying lately.

“What secret?” Jeno asked innocently. Eyes trailed back to the tv in front.

“You really don't want to hide this from me, man. Because if you haven't realized yet, i have two perfectly functioning eyes.” Mark said. “And a tingling senses.”

Jeno let out a nervous laughed. “What are you even saying, Morkle? What tingling senses?”

“I don't know, the fact that you like your best friend more than a friend?” Jeno’s hand stop playing, he can see his character got shot by the enemies and Mark started to curse, because Jeno just caused them to lose the game.

“You are insane.” Jeno said slowly. Not believing on what he just heard before.

“And you are an annoying bitch. You got us killed!” Mark shouts, eyebrow knitted in distressed.

Jeno shakes his head, finally realizing that yes, he is being a fool and got them to lose the game. “Oh, sorry.” He said, and dropped the controller to the side. “But you are insane.”

“No. You are in denial.”

“No, I'm not. What you said is crazy, I'm not in love with you.” Jeno said.

Mark widen his eyes, not believing what he just heard from his friend and hit his head, Jeno hissed, let out a, “fuck that hurts.”

“Shut up.” Mark said. “Stop being dumb. You know who i meant,” he continue, restarting the game, but playing on a single mode this time, because Jeno is dumb and useless and probably still stuck making reasons on how he can fool himself.

Jeno sigh, looking at the screen where Mark already start playing again, mercilessly sending out a bunch of shots to the enemies. “It's not like that, whatever you are thinking.”

Mark snorts. “But you have someone in mind, don't you? Cause I didn't really say any names.”

Jeno reaches back for his controller, clicking the restart button so he can play again, ignoring Mark’s protests, but the guy soon still join him, continuing the game.

“Are you feeling the classic, Jeno?” Mark said after a while.

“What classic? Stop being cryptic.”

“Stop ignoring my question, then,” Mark said, eyes trained on the TV. “You know the classic ‘i won't ruined our friendship just because i fell in love with my best bro so i hide it and get sad’ type of bullshit.”

“Why are you being like this? You are usually wiser.” Jeno answered.

“Nah, this is me saving your ass and knock some senses into your thick skull.” Mark said. “And take that building, I'll kill those airheads.” He said, chin pointed at the left part on the TV.

Jeno does as he is told. But he went quite, and this time, though, Mark doesn't push more. After about twenty minutes of a solid gunshots and repeated words from the game, they both finished with a win.

Jeno and Mark finally put down both of their controller, Jeno sits with both his hands rest on his lap, slowly washing out the distressed on his face. While Mark just looked at him with a straight face, probably with pity too.

“What do you suggest I'll do, then?” Jeno said, lifting his head to look at the paused mode screen. “You are aware that Jaemin could react like you did before, right? When i thought you said I'm in love with you? I treasured him. So no, I'm not gonna let my feelings get him away from me.”

Mark let out a loud sigh, he didn't purposely do that, but confronting Jeno about his love life was unexpectedly draining. “Listen,” Mark started. “I know you are afraid to lose him. But he is not me. I reacted like that because you are being dumb and annoying.” He said, slowly putting his hand on Jeno’s shoulder. “And i know i didn't understand Jaemin as much as you do, but i know he won't leave you, for like, any reason. So why don't you try to ease the pain, Jeno? He is single now, take your shot.”

“He's not gay.”

“You don’t know that. Maybe he is in denial as much as you are, and he'll realize later on. Once he found out you are like, his soul mate or something.”

This time, Jeno’s laughed was a sarcastic one. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because you both were apparently think you are slick enough to fool everyone. But no, like i said, i have eyes and both of your eyes speak the same. So save yourself, and Jaemin too, okay? He probably just need a push.”

Jeno shakes his head. “It's not that simple, not if the possibility of him getting hurt because of my feelings are there, and he'll feel responsible because of it. I’m fine being like this with him.”

Mark sighed again. “Okay, I give up. Do whatever you want.” He said. “But don't you think Jaemin can handle his own feelings? He doesn't need you to protect him so he wouldn't be hurt, Jeno. He is not a kid." Mark said. "And don't go around with that heavy heart again. If you believe that you and him could never work as more than a friend, then adjust. Open up to someone new, move on. I'm starting to get sad whenever you look at Jaemin and giving him this frustrated look whenever you think he's not looking.” Now Mark is making faces, frowned eyebrows with expression like a kicked puppy.

Jeno lifts up his head to face Mark. “Wow, you think you know how the world and feelings works so much, huh, Mark? How about that girl from music class? Or that loud tall guy from Hongkong that can't stop laughing? You know how to handle them?”

“Are you implying I'll have an amazing poly relationship with them? Because that's what I'm gonna do.” Mark said with ease, Jeno is confused why his friend suddenly this confident.

“Or they’d think you are just cheating on them.” Jeno remarks.

“Not if they agrees with me and the burning relationship we can have.” Mark said again, seriously, Jeno is confused why his friend acted like this, probably because lately he's been hanging out with Jaemin’s friend, Donghyuck, who sometimes has a wild ideas and thoughts.

“Ugh, you sure you are okay, Morkle? You know I'll support you for whatever it is, right?”

“I'll accept your support, thank you.” Mark said, lifting up his hand on Jeno’s shoulder and pushing his weight to rest on the surface of the sofa.

Jeno looked at his friend who's face looking up to the ceiling with head rests on the sofa. “You've been hanging out with Donghyuck, though, i thought you guys are gonna be together.”

Mark lift his head, facing Jeno, and giving him another straight face, but his eyebrows slowly rising like he is in a realization. “Hyuck...is fine with himself. He doesn't want to be with anyone right now.”

Jeno got the hint. “Oh.” He said. “But you asked him out, did you?”

Mark nods. “Yeah. Doesn't matter. I understand his feeling, and moved on. I like his company though, and he said he is okay if we stayed friends, so it’s all good.” He said. “Oh, by the way, do you want me to introduce you to someone? He is gay too and handsome, i met him in the studio where i practice my rap, and he is cool.”

Jeno, not thinking, said, “sure.”

---

His name was Jungwoo. A boy a year older than Jeno and Mark’s supposedly rap supervisor, Lee Taeyong’s brother.

Jungwoo now currently enrolled as a music student in one of the university in Austria, enjoying his summer break to spent with his family and usually helping Taeyong organized his music studio.

Jungwoo is nice, almost too nice.

And Mark was right, he is handsome with a gentle smile and blinding pair of brown eyes. Jeno likes his voice, though, just like his smile, he sounds gentle and shy. On their first date which happen a week after his talk with Mark and a couple of awkward text messages, they decided to went on a walk at Han river while enjoying the warm sun and Jungwoo’s little picnic lunch he made himself.

So they walk, talk, laugh, and eat lunch. Jeno decides he likes him when their conversation fell on the topic of which animal their past life could be.

“You'll be a cat, no, a kitten.” Jungwoo said, grabbing a hat out of his bag and put it on because the warm sun has finally heated up.

“Oh my god, why.” Jeno said and make a fake surprised face.

“I don't know. You seems like you'll meows every time you are in distressed and piss everywhere.” Jungwoo answered.

“Wow. That’s a very specific description of a kitten.” Jeno smiled. “But I'll grow, right? If I'm a kitten then I'll be a big cat too.”

“Sure.” Jungwoo said. “What do you think i was?”

Jeno pretended to think, when he actually already had the answer. Patting his chin with his fingers. “A cat.”

Jungwoo laughed then, “why does everybody said that! Literally every single person i asked said i was a cat. At this point, i truly will believe it.”

“Cats aren’t that bad.” Jeno said, eyeing the banana milk left unfinished at his side, and then proceeded to drink it.

“I know. Cats are the best animal.”

Finishing his now empty milk bottle, Jeno shakes his head. “No, dogs are the best animal.”

Jungwoo looks at him in disbelief. “Shut up. Dogs are horrible and they bite.”

“But cat bites too, they just don't have the bigger and sharper teeth to actually caused you to bleed or have rabies.” Jeno said, laughing.

“Congratulations, you just perfectly describe why exactly cats are better than dogs.” Jungwoo said sarcastically, but he is laughing too.

They both look at each other's eyes while still laughing at their lame arguments, and Jeno might have moved a little closer to brush their fingers together. Maybe it's because the sun and how he felt at ease, how he felt comfortable and happy today. He didn't look away when they share a curious stare, an exchange so strong Jeno is willing to move forward.

The kiss happened in a flash. It was a fleeting moments without hesitation, without too much thinking, and Jeno just embrace it, enjoying the lips against his own, feeling like he can actually do this forever, likes the softness and the skin against his own, the pressing lingering small touches on his face and neck.

When they pulled apart, Jeno was already breathless, Jungwoo flashed him a smile. The gentle smile, and he turned forward again, looking at the river while still smiling, because Jeno can see it, can feel it.

But he also feels it.

The guilt.

As if he had cheated.

As if he was betraying someone.

He looked back at the day when Jaemin told him some girl just kissed him after confessing her love. He looked back at the time where he slept on his bed, thinking how nice would it be to have your first kiss with someone like Jaemin. To have seen the boy eyelashes up close without even an inch of distance.

Jeno knew he didn't betrayed anyone.

He didn't betrayed Jaemin.

The only one he betrayed, was himself.

---

“You are gonna make me cry.” Jungwoo said, burying his face on Jeno’s shoulder even though he is taller than him. “I don't wanna go now.”

Jeno places his hand on Jungwoo’s back, rubbing it slowly. “You kinda have to.”

Jungwoo had his face still hidden behind Jeno as he mumbles, “I can cancel my flight, don't tell Taeyong Hyung though, and kidnap me.”

Jeno laughed, embracing Jungwoo in his hold now.

“You do realize that I'm right here and can hear that, right? Mom is gonna murder me after she murdered you.” That was Taeyong who stood in front of them with a rolling of his eyes, he slide Jungwoo’s suitcase to the back and sits on top of it.

Jungwoo finally lets go of Jeno, still frowned and looked sad. “See, he doesn't mind.” He said, flicking his eyes to his brother.

“I do, actually.” Taeyong said with an unamused expression. “Can you let go of your boyfriend now? I'm starting to get jealous.”

Jungwoo let out a laugh. “Jeno doesn't want to be my boyfriend, though.” While making sure he gave a rolling eyes at Jeno, and then smile and walk to hug his brother.

Jeno looked at the brothers shared hug and prayers, wishing that he had a brother, or a sibling too. It must be lovely and he won't be lonely. He always get jealous with those people that are blessed with having siblings. Especially after he understands how amazing it was to have two adorable little sisters like Jae Ah and Jae Ri, Jaemin’s twin sisters. Or even playful but caring big brother like Taeyong.

Taeyong gave the suitcase to Jungwoo after parting, the boy who will continue his study was now walking towards Jeno again, and he sent him smiles. Jungwoo moved closer, and Jeno stayed. He stayed when Jungwoo was planting a chaste kiss on his forehead.

“Promise me something," Jungwoo said while pulling away, and Jeno just nods his head. “Be with me if he doesn't likes you back.”

Jeno let out a laugh. “As if you won't find a gorgeous man while you are going to go ‘study’, but then draw them like one of your french girls.”

Jungwoo frowned, but then he laughed too and let out a distress shout at his brother who said, “True.” At the back. He turned to face Jeno again.

“Promise me.”

“Okay.” Jeno finally said.

Jungwoo smile, and as the final call are blaring through the airport speaker, he go with his suitcase and his smile, waving at both Taeyong and Jeno.

As the back of his plaid black and white shirt finally disappear to a crowd of people, Taeyong had his car keys and circling it around his finger. “Let's go. I'll get you home.”

“Yeah.” Jeno said.

But he was sad.

He hated goodbyes.

---

“Nana, NO.” Jeno shouts from inside his room, head peeking out with horror expression painting his face, looking out at Jaemin who tried to climb his railing from below.

“Ugh, no--”

And then the boy fell.

“Fuck.” Jeno hissed, and then turned back to leave his room and get to his best friend who stupidly tried to climb a freaking house just by holding on to the railing. He skips the stairs twice at once, it's a good thing Jaemin managed to fall just a few centimeters from the ground, because he literally failed on the first try.

“Are you okay?” Jeno asked as he rushed out from inside his house, turning left to where Jaemin just laid on the grass, hands spread out and looking up to the starry night sky.

“I want to sleep here.”

“Is your back okay? Are you hurt-- wait, what?” Jeno said in disbelief, bent his knees and kneels in front of the laying Jaemin, who stare lifelessly at the sky.

“I want to sleep here.” Jaemin repeated.

On the other days, Jeno would brush it off, he would have scolded Jaemin for his recklessness and get him inside. But today, he is not having any of it. Jaemin could've seriously gotten hurt from falling and Jeno is mad, shaking his head as his worries and anger comes rushing out.

“Don’t, ever do that again. You could've get seriously hurt! Your back won't be okay. Fuck, it already isn't, okay! Stop getting hurt! What did you promise me before? Are you just gonna break your promise to me now? Is that it? You want to hurt me that bad?!”

“I'm sorry.”

“No, you are not. You just gonna play the same shits over and over again, don't you? How many times did it happened already?! How many times do i have to see you hurt yourself?!” Jeno went quite after that, still kneeling as he tried to sort out his anger, chest raising and falling in a fast rhythm.

“I’m sorry,” come Jaemin voice again after the passing minutes of Jeno trying to calm and make some senses, this time a little softer.

Scared.

And Jeno finally snapped out of it. Because he scared him, he shouted, he cursed, he terrified him.

Jeno just stay still, head down and didn't dare to look up and see the disappointed look that's probably on the younger’s face.

Jeno promised him to never get mad. He promised himself to always protect Jaemin, to never let him be in distress. But he gave up to his anger and did the last thing he wanted to do.

“Jeno, forgive me.” Jaemin said, and Jeno is quiet. Keeping his head down. “Hey, hey. Why won't you forgive me? You are mad at me that bad?”

Jeno stills, he can't think.

There were a few moments of silent. Of terror, in Jeno's head, a constant battle with himself that he loses every time. He really didn't like what he did to Jaemin, he hate himself.

And then a touch his heart remembers slowly lift his face up, letting him look into Jaemin’s eyes. The eyes that should be filled with disappointment. With anger too. With betrayal. But Jeno didn't found any of it, he saw sadness, worry, and doesn't know if it's actually a good thing or not.

“Why are you crying?” He doesn't notice it, a couple of tears left out from his eyes and painting his face. But Jaemin did.

“I'm sorry,” Jaemin said again. And then he is being pulled in a tight embrace. His face buried in Jaemin’s chest as the familiar warmth surrounding him. Mending him, heals him.

“Please, I'm sorry. Stop crying. Please.” Jeno just sobs into the warmth, letting it to erase his pain, letting it to stay so he can be reminded, so he can forgive himself.

Because Jaemin begs for his forgiveness a few times now and that's the only thing that kept him from actually losing it.

“I'm sorry, Hyung. I don't mean to make you mad, i wasn't gonna climb, i swear. I just wanna see you, because you won't have any visitor today. But i need to see you. So i was being dumb. I'm sorry i scared you, okay? I'm sorry, please forgive me.”

Jeno finally looked up, even if it slows, putting back a torn pieces of himself that Jaemin just put back together. “I was...feeling down, so i thought i have some alone time for myself.” he said. He had stop crying, but Jaemin still held him close, so Jeno had to look up to meet the younger eyes. “I'm sorry i yelled at you, I'm sorry i let my anger win. You don't have to say sorry, it's my fault.”

"I know you want to protect me, and you can, I'll protect you in return. But I'm not made of porcelain, you have to understand that." Jaemin said.

Jeno is silent, he was reminded about what Mark said to him the other day.

And then Jaemin was the one that broke the silent, once again. "I'm not hurt, too." He said, opening up his arms as wide whilst shaking his head. “You can inspect my body if you want!”

Jeno almost choked, but he kept his calm, and actually searched if Jaemin had any injury. There was none, but a fews dirt on his red t-shirt and brown training pants.

“Try to not scare me like that again. Just talk to me, okay?” Jeno said, getting a nod from the younger.

“You like him, don't you?” Come Jaemin voice. “That boy that Mark introduce you to and spent time the rest of the summer with? The one that left abroad this morning?”

“What?”

“Jungwoo. Your boyfriend. He left this morning.” Jaemin answered.

Jeno laughed, finally able to piece together what the younger said. “He's not my boyfriend, silly. He's a good friend.”

“A good friend that makes you mope around all day and be sad? Are you sad because you won't see him again?”

Jeno smiles, resting his back on the walls of his front house. “Yeah.” He said after Jaemin flops down beside him, also resting his back. “But it's not like i can't see him again, he probably comes home for Christmas.”

“So you do like him.”

Jeno let out a laugh. “Kinda, he is nice.”

“So he is...your boyfriend now?” Jaemin said, and Jeno just look at the stars in the sky, sighing deeply.

“We’re not exclusive. He's a good guy, but i don't think we can work it out.” Jeno answered.

Jaemin followed Jeno and looked up to the night sky, a canvas full of twinkling star lights and the moon hung lowly. “Why?” he asked.

Jeno stared at Jaemin besides him who still looked up, his long eyelashes are clearly visible even in the dark, lips slightly parted as his two brown pair of eyes looked in awe, looking mesmerized by the magical moon and stars. And Jeno just stared, leaning his head back while the lords know that this boy was the one that takes his breath away, bringing his sanity elsewhere and never planning to return it.

You.

I can't let go of you. You surrounded my mind, making it crowded with your smile, with your eyes, with those damn eyes. The same pair that always haunt my sleepless night, or my reality. Everytime i close my eyes, or open them, you are there. Loving you does nothing but torn me and piece me back together. Does that makes sense, Nana? Tell me how to stop.

“You are gonna hate me for this.” Jeno said, and Jaemin stared at him.

But i don't want to stop. Can't you see? I can't because i don't want to. Loving you was never a choice,

I will always completely, honestly, truly, sincerely,

Jaemin blinked his eyes, about to say something.

“Because i love you.”

And he held Jaemin’s face in his hands, bringing it closer to his face and finally, kissed him. To try. To just try his luck. Because he can't do this anymore. If the goddess of luck, of love, of whatever fortunes are hearing his prayer right now, he hoped they heard his pleading. And let this boy loves him too.

The first press of his lips against Jaemin’s burn every inch of Jeno. But it’s Jaemin, he will always heals Jeno in returns.

Please.

He caressed the face in his hand, trying to ease the pain, to let go of the rushes of blood in his veins and just pray.

Love me.

He hoped for a smile, but he felt tears.

Jeno pulled apart from Jaemin to see the younger face in tears.

"I'm sorry," Jaemin sobbed. "Hyung i'm sorry. I--"

Jeno dropped his body, staring at Jaemin who hung his head.

"I don't know how...i don't understand my feelings. I don't--" Jaemin continued. "I like girls, i don't think i like--" he stopped to brushed his tears away. "Jeno i'm sorry i don't want you to be hurt, i'm sorry."

And it's just tears. Streaming down his face, his cheeks, his glass stained eyes, now in tears.

"Hey, hey, okay, enough." Jeno said slowly, he didn't know if he was allowed to touch Jaemin in anyway, so he didn't. "I'm sorry, it's okay, we are okay. Forget what i said, we are okay. I'm sorry i--" he stopped, can't bring himself to say it, but he needs to. "I'm sorry i kissed you, you didn't deserve that."

"No, no, no. How could you say that? Hyung i'm sorry, i don’t know--" he sobbed again, and this time, Jeno held him in his arms, just how he knew he would embrace the younger all those time they had been together as best friends, just how his heart knew how. “I don’t wanna hurt you.”

Jeno let Jaemin sobbed in his chest, stroking the back of his head.

Jeno sighed, he looked up to the moon staring blankly at him. There’s no tears falling down his cheeks even if he wanted to. “And you don’t. I understand, we are okay. You heard me? You and i are okay, and will always be. My feelings won’t get in between anything from us. You don’t hurt me, it’s okay.”

“Hyung i’m--”

“Stop, okay? I said it’s fine. I’ll get you home, come on, get up, Nana.”

Jaemin lifted up his head to brush another set of tears escaping his almost puffy eyes. Jeno tried to makes things easier for him, so he did what would he do exactly if he never said his feelings before, he brushed the tears.

“Your eyes are so puffy now, what are you gonna do if your mom saw? She’ll blame me.”

“We’re okay, right, hyung?” Jaemin said after awhile, finally looked at him to what felt like a lifetimes past.

Jeno held his breath.

“Always.”

---

“Is Jaemin upstairs, Eomma?” Jeno greeted the woman who was cooking a warm samgyetang in the kitchen. He just saw Jae Ah and Jae Ri in the living room, both were doing their math homework and Jeno were helping the ten years old twins to solve their equations problem before he heads up to find Jaemin.

“Yes,” Miran, Jaemin’s mother had said. “He’s been doing homework all day. Where have you’ve been, Jeno ya? I didn’t see you since school started. Chaemi and Manshik are home aren’t they?” she said, still focusing on her dish.

Jeno nodded even when the woman can’t see him, purposely ignoring the first question. “Yes, Eomma. They just got back, maybe mom will visit you after she’s done unpacking.”

“That’d be nice, let’s have dinner together since i cook a lot anyway.”

Jeno told her that he will surely love to eat her samgyetang. “I’ll go upstair then,” he said, bowing a little.

After the night of confessing his feeling to his best friend, Jeno had taken everything into account. Especially how he interacted with the younger. What his heart wanted was to be near him, to care for, and loving him, but he needed to draw the line now. There’s nothing blurry in their relationship anymore beside friendship, and that means whatever it is that Jeno was feeling, it has to be platonic.

He didn’t draw himself away from the younger, had told Jaemin that surely nothing will change, but he also needed time to stay away for a little bit, to adjust and forgive what he had done. Jaemin had said that no, he didn’t do anything wrong. And Jeno had said it still wasn’t a nice thing to do. He had kissed him without his consent out of desperation, had done the same thing he hated a few years back when Jaemin’s ex girlfriend had done the same thing.

And so he beg Jaemin that maybe some things need to be different, but that doesn’t mean he won’t care about the younger like before, he just needed to make sure how his brain can think straight without his heart interfering and maybe busying himself with something else.

“Hey,” Jeno said as he closed the door.

Jaemin looked up from the book that he had open on his study table, a clear frustrated look on his face as he saw Jeno moving closer to where he sat. “Hey, Hyung,” he said.

“You have a test?”

Jaemin sighed. “I don’t know, but Teacher Kim said he would have a quiz for Math tomorrow and if any of us got it bad, we will have to take the additional class. How ridiculous is that?”

“Kim Myungsoo?”

Jaemin nodded.

“That’s Kim Teacher for you. Only Mark managed to never failed his test.”

“How about you?”

“I sit with Mark, what do you think?”

Jaemin rolled his eyes, and Jeno laughed.

“How long have you been studying?”

“Since 10 AM. Is it 3 PM already?”

Jeno nodded. “Can i talk to you for a second? You’ve studied enough, i think.”

“Sure,” Jaemin said, and he closed his book.

Jeno sat on the edge of Jaemin’s bed, the bed that he had slept on a countless night. Realizing and trying to figure out his feelings, his butterfly flying in his stomach, and why won’t it went away.

He waited for Jaemin to sit beside him, before he started with a sighed.

Jaemin frowned. “What? Why are you sighing? Is there something wrong? Is it because of that night? Hyung i--”

“No, no, no,” Jeno shushed him, ushered him to sat down. “It’s not that, i’ve told you to leave that in the past, i’m okay.” he said, and nodded when Jaemin said sorry to him, before continuing. “I’m going to study abroad.”

“What?”

Jeno already seen it coming, but he surely didn’t expected Jaemin to frowned like he is angry.

“I’m sorry i just told you this now, it wasn’t my choice, but mom and dad firm had opened a new branch in Japan and they are both in charge of it. They had a friend, there, a professor teaching Law in University and they wanted me to learn many things from him to become a great lawyer. So they also enrolled me in one of the international class, i surprisingly passed the test.”

Jaemin was quiet. The most silent he got from him.

“How long?” He asked, eyes empty. “The test. How long have you passed it?”

“Last week.”

Jaemin had his head hung, eyes bore fiercely into the floor as if it had the wrong. When he didn’t hear any answer or another sets of question, Jeno bent down to look at the younger who had his eyes closed, containing his feeling.

“Are you moving away?”

Jeno sighed. “Yes. But our house will remain here, mom won’t sell it so when we came here again i can--”

Jeno stopped speaking as he was attacked with a tight hug, an embrace so hard it almost suffocated him.

“Hyung, is it because of me? Are you trying to get far away from me? You don’t have to do this, stay.”

Jeno returned the embrace, i can do this . He assured himself.

“No, silly,” he said, voice steady. “Mom made me do this, she said she can’t bear to be so far away from her son again, at least now she can take care of me closer even if i don’t have to be supervised anymore.”

“But i will miss you,” Jaemin said slowly, he was crying, tears dropped on Jeno’s shirt. “I already miss you.”

Jeno took a deep breathe, “I know. I will miss you so much too, and Jae Ri, Jae Ah, Eomma, even your mouthy friend Donghyuck or that loud kid Chenle. But i will miss you the most, you know that, right?” he said softly, stroking the back of Jaemin’s head. “And i will be back all the time, maybe we won’t meet as often as we do now, but i will always come home. To you.”

Jaemin just cried harder.

And Jeno held him close, like he can hold his world tighter. Because Jaemin is his world, getting away from him wouldn’t take much gravity to pulled him into his own destruction.

But he needed to do this.

“Sleep with me tonight.”

“I can’t sleepover, my parents are home.”

“Then i’ll sleep at yours.”

“You have a test tomorrow.”

“Who cares! I’ll take that damn additional class for the whole year, who cares!”

“Okay, okay, you can sleep with me tonight.”

They went quiet again, heavy breathing and muffled cries, endurance and anger.

“When?”

“Next March.”

“So in three months?”

Jeno nodded and Jaemin started to pulled out of his embrace, but he just wanted to hold him close again.

“You won’t even be here for your birthday, or mine.” Jaemin said. Eyes swollen as he wiped his tears.

“We can do video call, that will work. And i would just be two hours flight away.” Jeno said.

“We would still be an ocean apart, that’s not the same.” Said Jaemin, looking at Jeno with sad eyes.

“I know.” Jeno said, just trying to say something, because honestly, he didn’t really want to say anything anymore.

“Will you live here again, or is it permanently?”

“I don’t know. I’ll find a way to be close to you no matter what.”

“I’ll wait for you.”

When the night came, Jaemin did slept with Jeno on his bed. They had shared a bed together since they were kids, had known each other nightmare closely to their souls to chase it away, but that night were different, because they knew that they will not be doing this so often anymore.

Of course the sleepy Jaemin fell asleep first, after they shared stares with each other around the comfortable silence, facing each other.

Jeno wanted to shut his world out, turned it upside down, shake it around, anything.

He just wanted this to stop.

I wanted to stop loving you . He said after Jaemin fell deep on his dreams. Let me try this .

---

The loud buzzing of people, airplanes, dragged suitcases, and hurtful goodbyes blaring across the airport. Jeno stayed still, keeping Jaemin’s head on his shoulder in place, protecting him from the loud world as much as he can with his hands both folded in his chest, but that didn’t really do much as the younger had slept like he usually would: soundly, like he won’t face any danger.

Their family, both Jaemin’s and Jeno’s had giving them space for half an hour knowing how close they were and kindly going to the restaurant to had some lunch before the plane took off for another hour. They didn’t talk about anything, and Jaemin fell asleep for the past 15 minutes in Jeno’s shoulder after they talked about what they want for each other’s birthdays.

“I want you to write me a letter every year.” Jaemin said, earning himself a raised eyebrow from Jeno who said, “Like a postcard? Who does that anymore? There’s email.” but still nodded anyway, because that’s what the younger wanted.

“Uh, i want you to call me.”

“Are you underestimating me? Couldn’t you asked for more effort or material?”

Jeno shrugged. “It’s the thoughts that matters.”

“Fine. I’ll call you when the clock strikes 12, and when the day leaves 23 April there.”

And Jaemin had fell asleep after staring at different people that walk in front of them as they sat in the waiting area, they had a little bet, to wherever these people were going each time they came with various outfits and suitcases.

When their family found them, Jeno wakes Jaemin up by softly stroking his cheeks, even when Jae Ri and Jae Ah were quickly hugging him and Jeno like they used to before they gain a lot of weight after growing up.

Jeno lifted Jae Ah, trying to looked strong before he immediately dropped the little girl back to the floor again because she was too heavy for him, making everyone laughed.

“Weak Jeno!” Jae Ah had mocked.

“Jeno Oppa! Be respectful to your elders, Jae Ah.” Said Jaemin correcting her, holding Jae Ri hand in his, who giggles because of her sister that got scolded.

“You called him Hyung.” Said Jae Ah, pouting.

“I’m a boy, of course i called him Hyung.” Jaemin had said softly, brushing off Jae Ah bangs that started to cover her forehead a little.

“Can i call you Hyung too?” Jae Ah say, looking up to Jeno.

Jeno pretend to think hard. “Will you miss me then?”

Jae Ah giggles. “I already misssss youuuuu, Jeno Hyung!” The little girl said, and Jeno laughed, nodding his head and quickly hug her who wrapped his arms around Jeno’s neck after the call to their flights is being called and it’s finally time, to say goodbye, to say there will be next time.

Everyone shared their goodbyes and hugs to Jeno and his parents, Miran and Chaemi even cried ugly tears when they hug, since they have known each other so long and shared a lot of stories together. With Chaemi helping her to settled Miran’s case after her divorce with her past husband, Jaemin and the twins father.

And finally, it was their turn.

Jaemin hug him first, almost jumped to buried his face in Jeno’s shoulder, and like what Jae Ah did before, wrapped his hands around Jeno’s neck tightly, like he was unwilling to let go.

“Don’t cry,” Jeno whispered so they would be the only one to hear, stroking his back.

“Why can’t you cry? Won’t you miss me?” Jaemin said, already pushing back his sniffling sobs.

“You know well i will miss you the most.” Jeno said, sighing through Jaemin’s hair, trying to remember how he smell for him to keep the days ahead.

“You won’t forget me, right?”

Jeno felt like his breath hitched in his throat.

I’m sorry, i’m trying to now.

“I won’t.”

“I’ll cut your hair bald if you do.”

“I doubt it, but okay.”

“I’ll miss you, so much.”

“I will too, take care of yourself. Don’t, please don’t fall asleep in dangerous places anymore. Promise me this, Nana. Promise you won’t be hurt and i won’t hear any news of you getting anymore injury.” Jeno had said, because it was all he needed.

“Okay, i promise.” Jaemin said, he went quiet for awhile before muttering something so small, almost missed by Jeno’s ears; “I think i l--” but then he quickly shook his head and Jeno let him be.

When they finally came apart, the whole family is smiling at them. Jae Ri and Jae Ah even laughed at Jaemin tears left on the corner of his eyes who he tried to wipe quickly. And Jeno had messed the twins ponytails, saying; “Don’t tease your Oppa, babies. He’ll cry harder.”

The twins just laughed, but then they cried when Jaemin buried his head on his mom's shoulder next, trying to find solace. As a result, Jeno had to comfort them by hugging the girls together before he finally left, holding his backpack as his dad circle his arm around his shoulder.

Jeno waved his hands, trying to smile as Jaemin waved him back.

I love you. Jeno would had said.

So much. He would had whispered.

I’m trying to stop now. He had think.

But it hurts. He had felt.

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