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For a long time, Kyle thought that Cartman did all the things he did just to be an asshole. He was a loud, obnoxious, attention seeking piece of shit who didn’t care about a single other person on the planet. But while this was true-for the most part-it wasn’t the whole story.
Cartman never really had a chance if you looked at it objectively. With a mother who was usually high or getting fucked three towns over and a father who was no where to be found, it wasn’t like he grew up in the most stable environment. Nature may have played a role in his development, but nurture certainly reared it’s ugly head too.
Dating Cartman had made Kyle see this more than he ever had before. Lately he’d been seeing a hundred new sides to Cartman, and with every layer peeled back he found himself growing more and more fascinated. He was both simpler and more complex than he appeared on surface level.
Now, Kyle lay awake in Cartman’s bedroom staring up at the ceiling. The fan was whirring quietly, but other than that the room was silent. A digital clock on Cartman’s dresser displayed the time: 2:15 in the morning.
Kyle’s mom thought he was at Stan’s house, because there was no way she’d let him stay the night with the boy the whole town (correctly) assumed he was messing around with. Cartman’s mom didn’t have a problem with them sharing a bed, because she didn’t really care about most things her son did.
She probably thought they were holed up having sex in Cartman’s room right now, but she would be wrong. They hadn’t actually fucked yet, though they’d come close a few different times. On this particular night, they hadn’t even ventured into anything more than some light kissing. Cartman just preferred falling asleep with Kyle lying next to him when he had the chance, as fucking gay as that sounded.
Kyle watched him now, hoping that observing a sleeping person would help lull him to sleep as well. And maybe it would have, had Cartman’s seemingly peaceful sleeping not been disturbed.
Kyle was gazing silently at him when suddenly, and without warning, Cartman began thrashing from left to right on his side of the mattress like a child throwing a tantrum. More disturbing still were the little noises he was making in his sleep; he was moaning in apparent misery, the sounds muffled a little by his bed sheets.
A nightmare, Kyle assumed. That was weird. Although, maybe he shouldn’t have been surprised. Being nightmare prone certainly wasn’t the weirdest thing he knew about his boyfriend; it wasn’t even in the top ten.
“Hey.” Kyle whispered gently. “Hey, Cartman. Wake up, dude.”
He set a hand on Cartman’s chest, trying to be comforting, but this proved to be a bad idea. Cartman made another pained noise in his sleep at the touch, and Kyle drew back his hand. He leaned to the side and flicked on a lamp, but still Cartman didn’t wake up.
“Cartman.” He said, louder this time.
Still, Cartman only continued to sleep unrestfully. The sounds he was making now could be described as whimpers, and this wasn’t what Cartman sounded like when he was simply vying for people’s sympathy. This was scarily real.
Kyle didn’t want to startle him, but at the same time he would feel bad simply sitting there and watching him suffer. He sighed, resigning himself.
“Cartman!” He said as loudly as he could without attracting the attention of Liane, who was in her bedroom down the hall.
At the sound of Kyle’s voice Cartman awoke with a start, panting. His eyes were wide open in apparent panic and somewhat watery, and Kyle had to forcefully hold his own fear back. Seeing someone he cared about so frightened was scaring him, too.
“Deep breaths.” Kyle said, doing his best to stay calm.
Cartman tried to follow Kyle’s orders, but it was clear that he was still wracked with fear. He sat up in bed, and Kyle almost instinctively opened his arms. Cartman fell into them, his chin resting on Kyle’s shoulder and his arms wrapped tightly around his waist.
“You’re fine.” Kyle whispered. “Are you listening to me? You’re okay.”
He pulled away after a few seconds, examining Cartman’s face as though it would give him the answers he needed to help him feel better.
“Jesus fucking Christ.” Cartman said under his breath, clearly trying to keep himself from crying.
Kyle brought up his hand and ran it gently through his boyfriend’s soft hair, pushing it away from where it stuck to the sweat on his forehead. If the look in Cartman’s eyes was anything to go by, he seemed to be grappling with a range of emotions. Anger. Fear. Embarrassment. Eric Cartman was known for many things, and the ability to handle his feelings in a healthy way really wasn’t one of them.
“Eric.” Kyle said firmly, using the first name like a hook by which to pull him in.
Kyle’s voice seemed to calm some of the storm written all over Cartman’s face, and he quickly jerked his head so that their eyes would meet.
“Why’d you wake me up, asshole?” He asked, forcing a laugh. “It’s nice that you missed me so much, Kyle, but even I need my beauty sleep.”
His voice was strained with exhaustion as he tried to laugh the whole thing off, but there was no way in hell that Kyle was going to buy his bullshit act.
“Don’t bother, Cartman.” He said with a roll of his eyes. “You were having a nightmare, dude.”
“A nightmare? Pffft. No way. Nightmares are for pussies.”
Kyle didn’t buy this either, obviously. He’d been seeing through Cartman’s lies since they could talk. Probably since before.
“Yeah, right.” He said sarcastically. “You were rocking the bed so much I thought I was on a fucking boat.”
The smirk slid off Cartman’s face, and in its place appeared something so childlike and so filled with terror that it startled Kyle. What could he have been dreaming about that has affected him to this extent? With all the things they’d experienced growing up, the possibilities seemed endless.
Cartman’s childhood was fucked up, that much was clear. His mother was a drug addict and an enabler, and many of Cartman’s behavioral issues could be traced back to her. Liane was completely neglectful at her worst, and even when she was trying she just ended up fucking things up. Kyle truly believed that she was never meant to be a parent.
She had been a prostitute for as long as anyone could remember, and everyone in town just kind of knew that she used to...involve her son in her career. No one knew the extent of it, and no one knew when she’d stopped, but everyone who’d lived in South Park for more than a day knew that Eric Cartman was one screwed up kid.
“Was it about...?”
Kyle trailed off, because the thing he was referring to wasn’t something he’d ever said out loud. As silly as it seemed, talking about the terrible things seemed as though it would speak them into reality. Like if no one ever mentioned them, then maybe they didn’t really happen. The suggestion alone was making Kyle nauseous.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Cartman said, deflecting in the same way he always did when things got too serious.
The vivid terror in his eyes made Kyle feel almost guilty for asking. Reluctantly, he admitted to himself that the details of Cartman’s past were actually any of his business. As much as he wanted up poke and pry until he got the answers he wanted, he knew that doing so would he insensitive. If Cartman wanted to talk about it, he would, and Kyle would just have to wait until then.
Slowly, he reached out and put a hand on Cartman’s thigh. Applying gentle pressure in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture, he smiled. Cartman just looked confused.
“You don’t have to tell me about it right now.” Kyle said quietly. “But listen to me, okay?”
Cartman seemed to consider responding, but stopped himself just short of a snarky retort. Instead, he just nodded and looked up expectantly at Kyle.
“I’m not letting anyone hurt you.” Kyle said, and his tone wasn’t so much romantic as it was intense.
Cartman felt himself relax just a little as Kyle stared at him unyieldingly, almost daring him to argue. For once in his life, Cartman couldn’t think of a single nasty thing to say.
“You’re safe here, okay?” Kyle reiterated. “Do you trust me?”
Wordlessly, Cartman nodded. As much as he teased, pushed, and prodded Kyle, he knew he could trust him. Kyle was reliable. He was strong.
“Good.” Kyle replied. “Because I really, really mean it. As much as you drive me fucking insane, I’d never let you get hurt. You getting hurt is not an option.”
The words filled Cartman with a kind of relief he wouldn’t have gotten if anyone else had said them. He could sense how much effort Kyle was putting into being sincere, and it was because of that that he bit back a sarcastic quip.
“I know that, Kyle.”
He paused for a moment before continuing. There was something else he really wanted to express. Something he’d known for a long time, and something he thought Kyle should hear. He took a deep breath and braces himself.
“I love you.”
Cartman felt his stomach drop as the words came out of his mouth, and it was a very similar feeling to what he’d experienced after losing control of his fake Tourette’s Syndrome. Had he seriously just told Kyle that he loved him? I mean, of course he loved him, that much was obvious. He knew it, his mother knew it, their friends knew it. Hell, even Kyle had probably figured it out by now!
It was the voicing of the fact that had Cartman terrified, not the fact itself. He’d come to terms with it a long, long time ago. Never in a million years did he think he’d get this far.
“I love you too.” Kyle said, his voice still as grave as it had been the whole time.
Cartman’s heart leapt into his throat, and he found himself waiting for the other shoe to drop. Kyle couldn’t love him. It wasn’t possible.
“Jesus fuck, Kyle!” He sneered. “You don’t sound too fucking thrilled about it.”
Kyle’s face returned to its default setting of mildly annoyed, his nose wrinkled and eyebrows furrowed.
“How the fuck do you want me to act?” He asked.
“Not like that! God! You’d think I just told you that your fucking mom died!”
Kyle just glared at him.
“Well I’m a little preoccupied right now, you idiot! You scared me with that nightmare shit!”
Cartman’s heart fluttered a little at that, but all he did was flash a wicked grin. Sensing a shift in tone, he felt free to fall back into their usual pattern of banter.
“Aw! I scared you? Kyle scared for little old me? What ever have I done to deserve such a blessing?”
Kyle’s she’s rolled to the back of his head, but secretly he was glad to see that Cartman had returned to his usual self. As obnoxious as he could be, it was still far better than seeing him as scared as he had been after that nightmare.
“Fuck off, Cartman. If you feel better now, then just back to sleep.”
Cartman batted his eyelashes in an attempt at being coquettish.
“But what if I have another nightmare, Kyle?” He asked, feigning shyness. “Are you going to keep me safe?”
Kyle sighed, but he still wrapped an arm tightly around Cartman’s shoulders.
“You better not wake me up again.” He grumbled, stretching out an arm to turn the lights off again.
Cartman curled into his side though, smiling, and both of them knew he didn’t mean it.