Work Text:
It’s not that Evan would ever admit to googling how to make time slow down if anyone asked, but he also wasn’t totally ashamed by it.
When he thought about his last Summer before moving away to school and away from Connor, he had all these memories planned in his head of what he and Connor could do. Obviously they’d spend a ton of time together, just laughing and enjoying each other’s company. Maybe go on adventures to the beach or something for a while.
They ended up spending most of the Summer out by the pool at the Murphy’s (with a quick trip to the beach for a long weekend), but now they’re a day away from being long distance and all Evan can think about is how maybe they spent too much time together this Summer. Because now he doesn’t know if he can exist in a world where Connor isn’t just down the street and can come over at the drop of a hat, or he can come spend the night and they’ll know they have time to be together.
He’s thought a lot about what he would say to Connor when they finally do separate, but he’s never really been good with words. He thinks about going with the flow and he knows he probably will, but that doesn’t really make him feel any more confident when he realizes that he’s going to stutter and probably cry and it’s just… not going to be a good impression if his roommate is there.
Connor is coming to help Evan move in at the insistence of Heidi, who says that she’s going to need someone like Connor to help her carry the heavy things. Connor had initially argued that he has noodle arms, which Evan still laughs about to this day, but Heidi wouldn’t have it. And so Connor agrees, wondering if this was a good or bad thing just as much as Evan was.
“Have you talked to your roommate?” Connor asks on their final night together in their hometown, sitting on a bench outside A-La Mode. It was Connor’s idea, and Evan wasn’t going to argue.
Evan shrugs, taking another bite of his ice cream. “We’ve talked about like… what we’re going to bring and stuff. And um, he seems like we have a lot in common. Same major and stuff. But. I don’t really… I don’t really know him.”
Connor nods. “I’m sure you will. I mean, you will be living together. But he’ll probably be cool. A little tree nerd like you,” He smirks, which makes Evan laugh as he shakes his head.
“You okay?” Evan asks after a while, because Connor is eating his ice cream at an alarmingly slow rate at he hasn’t really said much at all and Evan just… he was expecting more for his last night home. “You’re quiet.”
“Just thinking,” Connor sighs, taking another bite of his ice cream. “I’m just gonna miss you is all. And you’re leaving earlier than we thought which sucks, but I get it. You need to do this, and so we’ll figure it out.”
Evan sighs, pouting for a moment before nodding. “I-I know. I wish I could stay longer. But it won’t be bad. I’ll be home soon and we… we can still talk every day.”
Connor just nods, but Evan is painfully aware that Connor already knows this. And it doesn’t make things better just reiterating it all of the time, because at the end of the day they were still going to miss each other. Evan wasn’t going to be able to make up some lame excuse as to why Connor should come over just so he could make out with him. He's not going to be able to just show up at the Murphy’s house and declare that Connor wasn’t acting like himself, so he’s forcing him to get dressed and come lay out by the pool with him.
And the more Evan thinks about it, the more he finds himself worrying about Connor. Because yes, his own mental health was an up and down battle and some days he wasn’t sure if he was still getting better or if things had dropped off again, but when he compared himself to Connor… he just. He thought he might be the one to adjust easier.
Connor had the ability to hide things. And Evan didn’t always notice. And if he was away from him and wasn’t seeing him in person every day like he had been…
He has to force himself to stop thinking about it.
“Wanna go? We can go to my house if you want. Zoe and my mom are out getting their nails done and my dad is at work late. We’d be alone,” Connor says, and there’s a hint of a smile tugging at his lips that makes Evan laugh because he knows that means they’re going to make out and so he nods, finishing his ice cream and tossing it in the trash before following Connor back to his car.
The car ride is filled with music and Evan just reaches over to hold Connor’s free hand, trying to memorize the way his hand feels intertwined with his. He thinks he’s being a little dramatic — he’d probably be home for a weekend in a few weeks and theoretically Connor could come visit whenever he wanted — but they had never done this long distance thing, and Evan just didn’t want to forget anything about Connor while they were apart.
“Mom and Zoe should be out for a while,” Connor mumbles, leading Evan upstairs and shutting his bedroom door. It doesn’t take long before Connor’s lips are on Evan’s, Evan running his fingers through Connor’s hair as they clumsily move over to the bed.
“I love you,” Connor breathes against Evan’s skin, kissing along his jaw.
“I love you, too,” Evan mumbles, breath raspy as he wraps his arms around Connor, tugging at his shirt.
Evan was going to miss these little moments.
—
Cynthia wakes Connor up three times that morning, finally walking into his room and sitting down on the edge of his bed as she rubbed his back.
“I know today is going to be difficult, sweetheart, but if you want to go you can’t stay in bed all morning. You can’t make Evan late,” She says softly. Connor knows she’s trying not to be too comforting in fear that maybe he’d be upset by it, but. It’s one of the times that he actually thinks her being overbearing would be appropriate.
He nods, rolling over to sit up, rubbing at his eyes. “Thought maybe if I stayed in bed longer he wouldn’t have to go,” He shrugs, running his fingers through his hair.
Cynthia smiles sadly, reaching out to rest her hand against his. “It’ll be okay. You two are going to be fine,” She reminds him like she has been all Summer, but right now Connor agrees with her.
He’s trying to be optimistic.
Reluctantly he pulls himself out of bed, getting dressed quickly before taking the food his mom had offered him. She always fills the room with conversation despite the time, and while normally that annoyed Connor, today it didn’t. He thinks it’s a nice distraction, having her talk about how it’s going to be a long day and to not push himself too much. She talks about what she’s going to do and when he comes home they can hang out if he wants.
And she smiles when he clears his plate, going upstairs to brush his teeth because Evan was leaving in a few minutes to come pick him up.
By the time he comes back downstairs Heidi and Cynthia are deep in a conversation and Evan and Zoe are saying their goodbyes, and for a brief moment Connor knows that if he just turns back and runs upstairs to fake a sickness he would probably get away with it.
But that would mean saying goodbye to Evan now and not in a few hours. And so he sighs, moving off the steps and smiling at Evan when he looks up and notices him there. “Ready to go?” He asks, and Connor just nods because Evan seems excited as he hugs Zoe goodbye and promises that he won’t lose touch with her while she’s gone. And then Evan moves to give Cynthia a hug goodbye as well.
“I’ll see you tonight,” Cynthia smiles as she moves to say goodbye to her own son. “It’ll be fine, Con. I promise,” She whispers, rubbing his back before she lets him go.
Connor slides into the backseat of the Hansen’s car next to a box of Evan’s things, waving goodbye to his mom as they begin the relatively short journey to Evan’s college.
Most of the car ride feels normal, filled with conversation and singing along to the radio. For a few minutes Connor even forgets where they’re going, but everything comes flooding back as they pull onto campus, following the signs for parking to begin moving Evan in.
Connor really does try to be a help, carrying some heavier things that wouldn’t fit in the bin. But he feels like he’s in the way more than anything, and Evan seems anxious now that his roommate Mason has arrived and is moving in as well and they really don’t know each other that well, and it just… it begins to feel like a lot.
“Everything is really coming together, honey,” Heidi smiles as she finishes making Evan’s bed, looking back at her son. “God, I can’t believe we’re at this point. You moving into college,” She smiles, but Evan doesn’t say anything and instead just nods, which only worries Connor more because he can’t remember the last time Evan looked this anxious.
Which he had every right to be. But Connor hadn’t prepared himself for Evan to feel anxious. He had only thought about himself.
It was obvious Heidi was having a hard time with the fact that Evan wasn’t coming home with them, and after they had finished setting up Evan’s room she had offered to treat them to lunch, which both boys gratefully accepted.
They stopped by the store on their way back to campus to pick up a few things, but as they stood in Evan’s dorm room for the final time, Heidi can’t stop the tears now. “Be safe. Don’t just not call me, you know. I do want to hear from you and how much fun you’re having,” She says tearfully, holding Evan as if when she lets him go he’s going to vanish into thin air.
“I’ll call, I promise,” Evan says, but now he’s emotional and Connor finds himself biting his lip to just stop himself from crying and making this one big emotional mess that he’s sure will only make things worse.
Connor smiles as Evan looks at him with bloodshot eyes, holding his arms out so they can hug. Connor rolls his eyes, pulling Evan in for a hug as he holds him as tight as possible, never wanting to let him go. “Please don’t cry, because then I’m going to start crying and your roommate could be back soon and like… it’ll be awkward,” He mumbles, which makes Evan laugh as he pulls away and wipes under his eyes.
“‘m gonna miss you,” He mumbles, to which Connor nods because he’s afraid if he opens his mouth he’ll start crying anyway. “Promise you… you’re going to tell me if you feel worse? You won’t um, you won’t hide things from me or anything? Even though I’m not there.”
Connor wants to roll his eyes, tell him that he’s supposed to have fun at college and he really doesn’t have to keep worrying, but he knows that it’ll only make things tense and he really doesn’t want to do that, not in this moment. “I promise. I’m not going to hide things from you,” He says, which he really does mean even though he’s not sure it sounds sincere. “But you’re going to have fun here, and not spend all your time worrying about me or talking to me. I don’t want you to miss out on all the fun.”
“I won’t,” Evan promises, leaning up to kiss Connor again after Heidi had announced that she was just going to run to the bathroom. “I love you,” Evan mumbles, happily accepting another kiss from Connor.
“I love you too. I’ll see you in a few weeks?” He asks, which he already knows the answer to but he’s pretty sure it’ll ease his mind if he just heard it again.
Evan smiles, nodding. “See you in a few weeks,” He whispers, smiling at Heidi when she returns to say that they should probably begin home.
Evan walks them back to the car, smiling and waving as Heidi and Connor pull out of the parking lot, waving until Evan is out of sight.
The car ride home is quiet for a little while, music playing softly as Connor spends most of his time texting back and forth with Evan. He knew he’d miss Evan — it had been the one thing weighing on his mind — but right now he feels like there’s this hole in his chest and all he wants to do is fix it or find a way to just make things better without explicitly needing Evan to just come back home.
“You doing okay, sweetheart? You’ve been quiet,” Heidi says when she stops at a red light, glancing over at Connor.
Connor doesn’t really know how to answer that. He’s doing okay all things considered, but he really does miss Evan already and he’s almost positive she does too, which isn’t going to help at all. “I just miss Evan already. Pretty pathetic,” He laughs, shaking his head as he glances over at the woman he felt like was his second mom.
“It’s not pathetic,” She smiles warmly, shifting her attention back to the road. “You guys have been spending a ton of time together, it’s obvious you were going to miss each other.”
Connor nods at that, chewing on the inside of his lip as he tries not to cry in front of Heidi when they’re still a ways from home.
“He’ll be back in a few weeks, and I’m sure your mom will let you go visit when he’s away for longer. You two are going to be absolutely fine,” She assures him, reaching over to squeeze his leg as the radio takes over the conversation once more.
Connor tries to think of something to say, but the only thing that comes to his mind is the weather which… is a dumb thing to talk about. But he doesn’t want to keep talking about Evan because he’ll definitely cry then and so he just stays quiet, picking at the nail polish that had been chipping off his fingers and texting Evan every now and then when he would text him.
“Connor, I know that I’m not your mom and I don’t know everything, but if there’s ever a time when you can’t talk to your parents or you want to talk to someone else, you are always welcome to talk to me,” Heidi says when they’re a little closer to home, but when Connor looks at her he can tell she’s serious about this. Like it’s been something weighing on her mind. “I know Evan isn’t going to be home, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop coming over if you need something. Just… please don’t isolate yourself if you’re upset.”
Connor nods, swallowing harshly as he leans his head back against the headrest. “I won’t. I… I promise,” He says quietly. “I’ll um… thank you. For everything,” He smiles, Heidi smiling as she reaches over to run her fingers through his hair.
“Always, sweetheart. I’ve known you since you were little, you’re like my son. I don’t want you hurting because of all these changes. They’re all… everything is going to be fine.”
“I know,” Connor nods, although he really isn’t sure he does know and he still has his doubts somedays that he and Evan can survive long distance, but they’re too close to home and Connor just doesn’t really think that’s something he wants to get into with his boyfriend’s mom.
Connor can’t really remember a time where he was grateful about being back at his house after being with the Hansen’s for the day, but as Heidi pulls into his driveway and Connor thanks her a million times, he’s pretty grateful that he’s back and can have some time alone.
“I mean it, Connor. Whatever you need, I’m still here for you. And so is Evan, just a little further away,” She reminds him as he steps out, and Connor turns back to smile.
“I know. Thank you,” He smiles, waving goodbye and walking back into the house when Heidi backs out of the driveway and leaves.
If Cynthia is doing her best to look preoccupied and not at all like she had been busying herself while waiting for Connor to get home, she’s doing an awful job at it. Connor kicks off his shoes by the front door and finds his mom sitting on the sofa reading a magazine, something he’s only seen her do a handful of times — mostly when he had snuck out to a party or to get high and she found out.
“I figured you’d be home soon,” She smiles when he walks into the room, flopping down on the opposite side of the sofa to him. “How was moving Evan in? Did everything go well?”
Connor shrugs, picking at his cuticles for a moment. “Everything went fine. His roommate seems nice. He seems excited. His room is cool,” Connor rattles off, feeling more like a robot than a person.
“How are you doing?” Cynthia asks, leaning forward to set her magazine on the coffee table. “Be honest with me. What are you feeling?”
Connor wants to roll his eyes. Wants to tell her that she sounds more like Dr. Taylor than his mother and he really doesn’t want this right now, but he had spent most of the car ride bottling up how he felt and not really elaborating, and he thinks he could probably use the moment to rant.
“I miss him already, which I feel stupid about because it’s been like… 2 hours,” He begins, refusing to meet his mom’s eyes as he continues to rant. “And I know he’s still there for me or whatever and really we’re going to be fine, but his roommate is so nice and like what if he decides he’s having more fun with him and he doesn’t have time for me anymore?”
“So basically this is exactly how you’ve been feeling since the beginning of the Summer?” Cynthia asks, just trying to get clarification. “But now it’s reality and everything is hitting you at once?”
Connor sighs, sinking further back into the pillows as he finally looks at Cynthia. “I mean… yeah,” He says quietly, chewing on the inside of his lip. “It’s just an adjustment thing and I’m sure once we settle in to this whole long distance thing we’ll be fine, but. It’s not easy for me to think like that.”
Cynthia nods, carefully mulling over her words in her brain before she says anything. “For what it’s worth, Evan obviously cares a lot about you. And I know that whatever happens he’d still want to be there for you. But you’re right, I think this is going to just take some adjusting and some getting used to,” She nods, a smile playing at her lips. “He’ll be home in a few weeks, and after that your father and I have talked about letting you go spend weekends there if you want,” She says.
Connor smiles at that, nodding. “That’ll definitely make it easier,” He smiles, almost as if he can envision it now and things already feel better.
“You’re never going to be alone in this. Keep talking to Evan about everything, but Dad and Zoe and I want to help, too.”
“Heidi told me I could always talk to her, too,” Connor says, rolling his eyes playfully as he smiles. “I get it, I have support. I think I just need some time,” He says, and Cynthia nods as she stands up, leaning over to kiss the top of Connor’s head.
“I’m getting started on dinner. Zoe’s in her room working on her Summer packets since Alana just left. You can go hang out with her if you want, or you can help me with dinner. Dad will be home soon,” She says, almost as if she knows Connor doesn’t want to be alone right now.
Connor nods, opting to go hang out with Zoe in hopes that it took his mind off of how sad he was to not be able to go to Evan’s tonight to hang out.
—
“Since we only have a week or two until Connor starts school, I thought maybe tonight would be a good night to have a movie night,” Larry announces at dinner, wiping his mouth with his napkin.
“Like we used to? It’s been years since we’ve had a movie night,” Zoe says, twirling her pasta around her fork.
“I know,” Larry nods, smiling between both his kids, “But tonight is as good of a night as any, right? Unless either one of you has plans, then we could do it on a different night.”
Connor shakes his head, because he thinks it’s fairly obvious he doesn’t have any plans after the day he’s had. Zoe eventually agrees, saying that she’s free but she gets to pick the movie, something Connor feebly protests before finally just giving in, letting her win and pick the movie.
Connor sits down next to his mom on the sofa, Zoe deciding on some comedy that Connor was almost positive had a sex scene in it, but was too tired to remind his sister of that.
Just like they had when Zoe and Connor were little, the Murphys were sitting down for a family night. Connor remembers so much of those nights, where they would each take turns picking the movie. Connor would always fall asleep against Cynthia, Zoe doing the same against Larry.
Movie nights had stopped a long time ago, around the time Connor had first started getting into bigger trouble at school. Neither of them ever asked about it, but Larry had started throwing himself into his work and Cynthia was trying a million new hobbies, and movie night just. Slipped through the cracks.
Connor thought they were gone forever. He figured by the time he started recovering he and Zoe were far too old for this, and Zoe had too busy of a social life to take a few hours to spend time with her family when there wasn’t school the next day.
But now he looks around the room, his family all together and watching a movie that is admittedly hilarious, and he feels like it’s the one step in his recovery he had been missing. There had been family adventures and memories that they had made together since his attempt, but this felt different.
Because when Connor thinks back on his childhood and the good memories that he still has stored in his brain, those movie nights were good memories. And they were the memories he thought he had ruined all those years ago when he started taking a turn for the worse, memories that he thought he’d never be able to enjoy or make again.
Halfway through the movie Connor lays his head down in Cynthia’s lap, her hand immediately carding through his tangled hair. She massages his scalp lightly, and Connor is automatically transported back to when he was little and moments like these happened so often that Connor didn’t think they were anything special.
His phone vibrates in his hand, and maybe a little too quickly Connor pulls it up to look at it, smiling when it’s Evan’s contact lighting up his screen.
College is fun. My roommate is cool and we’re going to our neighbors to hang out. But I can’t stop missing you. Hope you’re doing okay. Tell me honestly if you’re not. I love you <3
He’s pretty sure Cynthia can read the words, but if she can she doesn’t say anything as Connor immediately begins to reply.
I’m glad you’re having fun :) He seemed cool when I met him for like 2 seconds. I’m doing okay… we’re watching a movie as a family right now. Only one sex scene that was slightly awkward to get through haha. I miss you too, a lot. But you need to go have fun and not worry about me. I promise I’ll tell you when I’m not doing okay. I love you too Ev <3
“Everything okay?” Cynthia whispers after Connor has put his phone back on the sofa, her hand still running through his hair.
“It’s fine,” Connor nods, shifting his attention back to the movie and hoping that she doesn’t keep asking him questions.
Even though Evan moved to college that morning and he was missing him more than he ever thought he would, Connor really does think everything is okay. His family is right there, Evan is just a phone call away, and no matter what happens, he’s never going to be alone again.
He just needs to give it a little time.