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Zoe Murphy had often resigned to being the younger sibling that took care of their older sibling.
Connor had been on medication for the last year, and honestly, he’d been doing well. Going to therapy regularly, graduating high school, getting ready to start at the community college.
Zoe knew all of that was going to change. Evan was heading up to school a few weeks before it was required for a quick class and a crash course into the school, which meant that they were going to have to say their goodbyes to each other a few weeks early.
Zoe knew Connor was going to be upset. She knew he was going to miss Evan, but he had been talking to Dr. Taylor extensively about it and learning to cope with things, and he and Evan had made plans to see each other as soon as they possibly could.
But Connor didn’t always adjust well to changes. And when Evan leaves, Connor just. Slips backwards. Becomes subdued, barely talks to them or says how he’s feeling or talks about his days. And Cynthia and Larry don’t seem too worried — Cynthia insists that Connor had been talking to her and was doing okay — Zoe can’t help but worry that things are getting worse again. That her mom is being too optimistic because Connor had been so honest with her lately, and she has no reason to not believe that this is true either.
But Zoe hardly thinks that the few nights Connor had admitted to his mom that he wasn’t doing well and asked her to stay with him in his room count as him telling the truth more often than not.
Cynthia had been invited to one of Larry’s work picnics for the weekend, leaving Zoe and Connor home alone. Normally that’d be fine, the two of them were in a better place now where they would be fine together, but. Zoe doesn’t know if she’s able to help Connor the way that he needs it right now, and she almost wishes her mom would just worry more instead of taking Connor’s word, and she’d decide that she should stay home with the two of them for the weekend.
But she’s assured that Mrs. Hansen is just a few minutes away if there’s an emergency, although Zoe doesn’t know if that would actually make Connor better or worse. And they’re not going to be far away, so Zoe can call if Connor really does drop off and needs more than what she can give him.
Connor doesn’t come out of his room for hours when they leave, but Zoe stays in the living room in hopes that she’ll hear him and they’ll be able to talk. Or Zoe will at least be able to gauge how he’s doing that morning. Maybe better, she’s hoping.
It takes three hours before he comes downstairs, hair tied up in a knotty bun and his glasses on. He sinks down on the opposite side of the sofa, pulls himself up into a small ball, and stares at the episode of Private Practice Zoe had been watching as if he knows exactly what’s going on.
“Have you eaten anything today?” Zoe asks, cringing when she realizes she sounds exactly like her mother.
Connor shakes his head, sighing. “No. I ate something last night after you guys went to bed, but I’m not really hungry right now,” He mumbles, looking at his phone before back at the TV.
“What did you have last night?”
“Zoe,” Connor sighs. Zoe slinks back against the cushions feeling a little bad for how many questions she had been asking when it was clear he wasn’t up for it. “I had Cheetos and marshmallows,” He confesses after a moment, refusing to meet eye contact.
“You can’t keep eating Cheetos and marshmallows,” She says quietly. “It’s not good for you.”
“I know it’s not, Zo,” He says. He sounds so exhausted, and Zoe almost just tells him to go back to bed, try to sleep and maybe he’ll feel better. “I just. I haven’t been up for much else, okay? I’ve been trying and I eat some of what Mom makes. I’ll be fine soon.”
“Want me to make you a grilled cheese now?”
Connor shrugs, his head dropping. Zoe quickly realizes they’re not going to get anywhere if she makes him decide.
“Will you eat it if I make you one?” She tries.
“Guess so,” Connor says, and that’s all that Zoe needs to stand up, moving to the kitchen and beginning to make a grilled cheese for her older brother.
The thing is, Zoe doesn’t really remember a life where it wasn’t the younger sibling taking care of the older sibling in their family. Even when she and Connor didn’t get along, she can remember nights where she would wordlessly hand Connor a box of bandages without any questions, even though she knew it was because he had cut too deep and there was too much blood.
There were moments during the beginning of his recovery when he was adjusting to the medications that made him so sick that he spent nights on the bathroom floor. That freaked Zoe out because she just thought that the medicine was going to help him and they could start healing, and so she went into her room and grabbed the extra throw blanket and her pillow, stopping to get Connor’s pillow before making her way back to their shared bathroom.
They slept on the bathroom floor that night, and when Connor would throw up Zoe would rub his back, continually asking if he was okay. They only talked to each other when Connor would ask for water or his toothbrush so he could stop tasting vomit, but it was a step in the right direction. One that gave Zoe hope that they would be okay.
Now she stands in the kitchen as she finishes making his grilled cheese, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and walking back out to the living room. “You don’t have to eat it all, but you might feel better if you have something heavier in your stomach.”
Connor nods, taking the food from him as he thanks her quietly. Zoe sits back in her seat, trying not to watch Connor from the corner of her eye to make sure he’s actually eating. She thinks about making a joke about how she’s not afraid to call Mrs. Hansen if he doesn’t at least eat something, but she figures that would probably upset him and so she bites her tongue, staying away from that whole joke.
He ends up eating most of the sandwich, setting the plate on the coffee table and settling back in the sofa.
He ends up staying downstairs for almost an hour just watching Private Practice with Zoe, which alone feels like a victory. But eventually he mumbles something about going upstairs to take a shower, and so Zoe stands up, deciding it’s probably a good idea to find something for the two of them to eat for dinner.
Zoe thinks a lot about her friends families. When their parents leave it’s always the older sibling who finds things to eat, or takes them out for food. She thinks about how they would probably hang out together, but it would always be their older sibling making sure they were okay.
Connor and Zoe weren’t like that. Zoe’s pretty sure they’re never going to be like that at this point. It’s a role she’s assumed years ago, one that she really doesn’t mind. She’s always known that she and Connor were different, they had been even when they were best friends. But sometimes she goes to her friends house and she sees how protective their older siblings can be, and she can’t help but long for that.
Long for a brother who cares if she fell off the face of the Earth. Or cared about her life at all. She always regrets these thoughts after when she thinks about how much better she and Connor have been doing the last year, but sometimes you just can’t help what you think.
Connor ends up eating cereal for dinner while Zoe makes herself pasta, the two sitting at the kitchen table in virtual silence. Connor looks exhausted, taking slow bites and staring at the wood table as if it’s any different than any other night they sit here. She thought about asking about Evan, but fears that if she does ask and things aren’t great, the night will be awful and she’ll end up staying awake all night worrying if that was enough to set Connor over the edge.
She resigns to the fact that while some of her friends would party with their older siblings or at the very least watch a movie, she and Connor will probably just go to their separate rooms and hang out alone.
She gives up hope that Connor will come downstairs and watch a movie with her when the clock strikes 10, instead deciding to just go to bed herself. It’s quiet downstairs once everything is shut off, and slowly she makes her way back upstairs, stopping when she hears Connor’s door open.
He pokes his head out, staring down at the carpet in the hallway. “I… you can’t get mad and please don’t overreact, but. I need… I need you to help me,” He says, but Zoe can tell he’s been crying or he’s at least about to cry and so she nods, walking into his room where the light is on and she can see what’s going on.
He turns around, slowly pulling up his sleeve to reveal little marks of blood where he had scratched old scars open. “I didn’t… I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I wasn’t trying to draw blood or hurt myself. You have to believe me, Zo. Please believe me.”
“Okay, okay,” Zoe nods, desperately trying to like, not feel nauseous about all of this. She had never been good with this sort of thing. “Hey, it’s okay. Calm down,” She soothes, trying to hide the shock behind her eyes when she looks at him. “Can you come to the bathroom with me so I can clean them up? I don’t want to get blood on anything in here.”
She’s being dramatic because there isn’t that much blood — she’s seen worse with him — but Connor agrees anyway and follows her down the hall, sitting down on the closed toilet lid while Zoe shuffles through the cabinets to find gauze and some bandages that she can use to get everything cleaned up.
Quietly she begins cleaning the cuts with some antiseptic she found, apologizing quietly when Connor winces. “Gonna go as quick as I can. Just don’t want them to get infected,” She says quietly, continuing to wipe at the cuts until the bleeding stops. “You should probably cut your nails a little. You really got yourself good reopening these.”
“I really didn’t mean to,” Connor says again, holding his arm still and looking away as Zoe continues to clean up the cuts. “I was just like… scratching. I don’t know. You probably don’t believe me.”
“I do,” Zoe nods, glancing up at him as she reaches for another gauze pad to make sure everything is really clean. “I do believe you. I think this would be a lot worse had you meant to do this. And I don’t think you would’ve gotten me that quickly.”
Connor nods, letting the silence fall over the two of them again as Zoe reaches for the bandaids, beginning to figure out how she was going to make sure she covered everything.
“I can’t believe you’re taking care of me again,” Connor mumbles, sighing as Zoe begins to bandage up the few cuts he had opened. “I should be the one taking care of you. I’m your older brother.”
“Doesn't really matter that you’re older,” Zoe says as she carefully puts a bandage on, her tongue poking out between her lips like it has ever since she was a little girl. “I’m always going to help take care of you. It’s just how things are in our family. You need me, and just because I’m younger doesn’t mean that I can’t help,” She pauses, looking up at him. “I’m barely younger anyway.”
Connor half smiles at that, shaking his head. “I just feel bad. You should be protected by me. That’s the point of an older sibling, right? And I’m not being a very good one if you have to keep helping me like this.”
“You’re a really good older sibling, Con,” Zoe promises, grabbing one last bandage from the box. “I know you don’t think you are, but you are. Like you help me with things I could never ask Mom and Dad to help me with. And you do protect me from stuff. You’re… it’s much better than a few years ago.”
She plasters on the final bandage, grabbing the trash to throw out as she looks back at her brother. “Did you want to talk about what’s going on? Or are you okay?” Zoe doesn’t think she’d believe Connor if he said he was okay, but thankfully he sighs, shrugging as he carefully pulls his sleeve back down.
“Just… it’s been hard adjusting to Evan being gone. Don’t really know what to do with my time now,” He says quietly, and it’s exactly what Zoe thought was going on. “I’ve been talking to Dr. Taylor a lot and I talk to Mom about it a lot, but. Sometimes it’s just hard. I’m sure I’ll be fine in a few days.”
“Did you want me to call Evan? So you can talk to him since it obviously hasn’t been that great of a night and you’re missing him and I’m sure you’ve told him more than you’ve told me. You still look kind of anxious,” She notes, wishing she had a water bottle she could hand him.
Connor shakes his head quickly, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth. “No, he’s going to some social thing tonight with his roommate? And he’s already worried because I’ve been telling him how I’ve been doing. The last thing he needs to know is that I’ve been scratching at my scars and accidentally reopened a few. He’ll probably like… come home right now or insist that I see his mom and stay there since our parents are gone or he’ll like… I don’t know. He’ll think I’m getting worse again. Which I’m not.”
“Evan’s going to a social?” Zoe asks after the whole rant that Connor just gave, and Connor actually laughs at that.
“Yeah,” He says quietly. “His roommate thinks it’s a good way for them to meet people and make friends. Evan agrees, but. You know how he is. He’s been freaking out about it all day.”
“So he likes his roommate?”
Connor shrugs. “He hasn’t said he didn’t. Just that they’re cool with each other and he thinks that they’ll probably be friends when they get to know each other better.”
Zoe nods, standing up from the floor and holding her hand out to help him up off the toilet. “Well, since Evan’s out and Mom and Dad won’t be home until tomorrow afternoon, want to grab all the blankets and sleep in the living room like we used to?” She offers.
She really shouldn’t be surprised when Connor furrows his eyebrows as if she’s insane. “Are you joking?” He asks, Zoe shrugging.
“I don’t know. I think it’d be fun. Plus I don’t know if I want to leave you alone. Not that I think you’d do anything I just… I think you need to be around someone. Maybe stop isolating yourself.”
Connor rolls his eyes but Zoe doesn’t think he looks all that annoyed, standing up and following her out of the bathroom. “Fine. Go get changed for bed and I’ll meet you downstairs.”
And so Zoe sets off, changing into pajamas and grabbing the blankets and pillows off her bed, making her way downstairs.
It was rare that their parents actually let them sleep downstairs when they were little, but on nights that they were allowed they would bring all the pillows and blankets they could carry, piling them up on the sofa and curling up underneath them, sleeping close together. Zoe thinks they’re probably far too tall for that now — Connor’s feet would be in her face if they attempted that — but she’s excited that they’re doing this again. And secretly hopes it would lift Connor’s spirits a little bit.
The two of them spend far too much time situating the blankets between the sofa and the recliner in the corner, Zoe offering to take the recliner so Connor can be more comfortable. Connor smiles, situating himself on the sofa as he watches his sister come back into the room, handing him a bottle of water.
“You're still pretty on edge. It’ll help calm you down,” She reasons, and so Connor accepts it, watching her walk over to their movie cabinet. “So, we always used to watch Disney movies when we did this. Are we doing the same tonight?” She asks, and eventually they settle on Peter Pan, Zoe setting it all up before getting set up in the recliner for the night.
Zoe wonders if Connor had fallen asleep not long after the movie had started, but he sighs and shifts, and she can see his eyes are still open. “Thank you,” He says, his voice quiet as it cuts through the room. “For always taking care of me without asking questions. For pushing me to spend time with you when you’re worried. You… you shouldn’t have to do this for your older brother, but if I was going to have to have a little sister that helps me, I’m glad it’s you.”
Zoe smiles, shifting her legs as she looks over at her brother. “I’m never gonna stop being like this, you know,” She whispers quietly, continuing to watch Connor. “Even when we’ve both moved out and we have our own lives, I’m going to keep checking in with you. Keep making you hang out with me when I think you need to get out of your surroundings. You’re not getting rid of me. Ever.”
Connor laughs, stifling a yawn as he shifts his attention back to the TV. “Good. I don’t want you to,” He whispers.
Zoe doesn’t know if she believes him, but for now she’s going to take it as a victory.
Because Connor was going to be fine, and she was going to be the person to make absolute sure of that.