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Ed grits his teeth, maintaining his usual bitter expression and ignoring the shouting going on uncomfortably close to his face. He'd pulled down another building - entirely by accident - and the Colonel was going insane over it. Ed focused his gaze straight ahead and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back in his chair and resting the ankle of his flesh leg over his metal knee before tilting his head back and investigating the stains on the ceiling. God knows what they are, but this office had belonged to multiple people before the bastard and who knew how well he'd cleaned it when he moved in?
"And what the hell were you thinking, Fullmetal?! You could've gotten yourself killed! You never care about the dangers you put yourself in! What would've happened if you hadn't gotten yourself out of all that rubble? What would Al've done?"
"You stay the fuck out of my personal life, bastard," Ed growled, finally making eye contact with him and straightening his legs, digging his knuckles into his knees. "You don't know shit about me."
"You watch your tone of voice, Fullmetal," the Colonel snarled back. Ed had never seen him this angry, even in his fight with Envy - that had been grief and revenge focused. This was pure anger, and even he was a little intimidated. "You could've died in that building. There were rocks falling on you. You could've died and you don't care. You would've left the team lost without any of that evidence you were sent to collect and-"
"I got the evidence," Ed mumbled, leaning back again and letting the bastard yell himself out. "You sent me to do a job. I did the job. I brought back what you sent me for. What's your fucking problem?"
"If you had died, the team would have nothing. Your brother would have nothing! You're reckless and borderline insane, and honestly acting a little childish."
"Who the fuck are you calling little?!" Ed shouted back, finally pushing himself out of his teetering perch on the uncomfortable wooden chair. The bastard glared at him, but he ignored the mild urge to sink back into his former position. "Don't give me that fucking look, you bastard! You don't give a fuck what happens to me. You just care about the leverage you've got over the other side. Admit it! You don't give a fuck!"
"Of course I care what happens to you, Fullmetal."
"Bullshit," Ed snapped, poking his formerly metal finger into the Colonel's chest and pushing him forcefully out of his personal space. "Fucking. Bullshit. You care about your paperwork. You care about the fucking case. You don't give two shakes of a rat's ass what happens to me or to Al or to anyone else outside that door. You only care about yourself!"
"Fullmetal, you were reckless!" the bastard shouted back, creeping back into his space and refusing to move away. "You took unnecessary risks! You risked your safety for no reason! You risked your brother! What do you honestly think he would've done without you? What? Do you think he'd mourn a little and then get over it and carry on? No! He'd be heartbroken!" Ed swallowed regretfully at the thought but refused to let the twinge of emotion show on his face. "You know full well that I care, Fullmetal. I care about things other than my paperwork. I care more about this team, about you, than you realise. You're being selfish and I can't believe that you put yourself at risk like that."
"You don't care about me," Ed said, his voice lowered to a restrained rumble. "You don't give a fuck. You just don't want to have to sort the paperwork after I'm gone. Al would be fine! He's got Mei. And Winry." He swallowed again and watched the flicker of anger in the bastard's eyes. "You don't give a fuck! Why would you care about what happens to me?! You're just... you're the one being selfish! You're just my C.O., bastard, and I see what you're doing. You're using this as an excuse to take me off active duty so you don't have to fuck around with all the paper-"
"I care, Fullmetal," the Colonel interrupted, his voice quieter and a glimmer of something unrecognisable on his face.
"No, you fucking don't!" Ed exploded at last, his anger flourishing. "I've spent years working under you, and you've never given a fuck about me! You care about your work. You care about getting the paperwork done so Hawkeye steps off your ass. You care about fighting the bad guys. The fuck-wits. But me? Nah, no, not a fucking chance. I'm just a... I'm a fucking pawn in your fucked-up chess game of 'let's see how quick I can get to the top'. Well, guess what? No-one else fucking cares! You're selfish! You're using everyone here as tools for your fucking game and even after everything we saw on the Promised Day, you still fuck about with lies and fake attitudes! So don't you dare fucking lie to me and pretend you give a fuck about Al, or me, or anyone other than yourself. You don't. You don't fucking care!"
"Edward, stop," he replied quietly, the anger starting to diminish from the light in his eyes. "Please. I care about you and... and everyone else around here. I just-"
"You what?! What could you have to say to defend yourself? Since the moment we fucking met, you've been twisting me to fit your twisted ambitions to control this fucking country. I remember... I remember your fucking face and... the look on your face when you got your eyes back, you bastard. You've only cared about the progress you've made. You're so fucking in love with your own ambitions and nothing has changed since then!"
"I have been in love with you since then, Edward!" the bastard yells back, and Ed started to notice the shine in his eyes. That wasn't a reflection of the fire he'd lit across the room. It wasn't some ambitious light. That was... he was on the verge of tears. Ed had never seen him show any sign of weakness and this was something he'd never expected. He could feel his heart rate continue to race and started to panic.
"When I brought you to the State Alchemist program I saw a brave and powerful alchemist who needed direction and guidance. When we started bringing down the homunculi, I saw more of that bravery and I was proud to work alongside you. When I got my eyes back, I was desperate to use them to... for some way to make you proud of the man you saved. I've worked and worked and worked my ass off and it breaks my heart that you see yourself as some... some pawn! I love you, Edward, and I hate that you think I'm lying to you! I... every day, you grow a little bit more and I have to watch that and know that you will never love me back and, hey," he started to laugh out of what appeared to be some panicked madness. "Even if, one day, you didn't hate my guts, it's not like we could be together. You're a subordinate, and everyone would think we'd been... since you were a child. I brought you into the military and I fell in love with you and I can't stop myself caring and... Edward, I don't want to control this country without you at my side and I can't cope with feeling like this when I see you so angry with me. And then you say I don't care about you? I care more than you realise, and more than I can accept and I can't deal with feeling like this for someone who... for someone... like you, who's too determined to let anyone tie him down."
Ed blinked into the silence that rose between them and saw the panic that he felt reflected in the Colonel's eyes. This confession had clearly been a long time coming, and now that it had happened the bastard had no idea how to manage the situation. For a man who'd always been so controlled, seeing him like this was shocking at best and downright terrifying at worst. Ed's heart was pounding into his chest and he could feel short breaths choking him.
"I... You... I..." he breathed, blinking again and seeing an embarrassed and panicked flush rising on the bastard's cheeks. "I'm sorry, I can't... I need... I gotta go, I can't..." He spun on his heels and flung the door open, letting it slam on the wall without checking to see the paint crack upon impact. He'd already flown through the team's office and, ignoring Havoc's questions, he made his way outside to the Central Courtyard.
When he finally got there, his real leg gave out and he half-fell into the fountain. He caught himself on the edge and glared at his shimmering reflection in the still water. He breathed heavily, his knuckles turning white with the force he was gripping the marble with. Panic coursed through his veins and set him off-track. He hadn't felt like this in a long time, and he wasn't used to feeling so out-of-control.
"Edward?"
He looked up and saw Hawkeye with Black Hayate, clearly just back from their lunchtime jog. He bit his lip and dropped his head again, letting his hair fall over his face. It was still in its usual ponytail, but in the argument, it had become unravelled and long strands were tickling his cheeks, sticking to his skin by attachment to the wet tears that he hadn't realised were running down them. He screwed his eyes shut. He could hear Hawkeye asking him questions but he wasn't picking up on the words. All he knew was that he couldn't breathe and the cold November air was leaving a stabbing chill in both his ports and his chest - the latter of which was heaving in his attempts to gulp down air. His eyes snapped open as he felt a soothing hand rest on his shoulder. Looking up again, he realised Hawkeye had come closer and was looking at him, concerned but trying to help. He shook his head minutely, babbling like a baby and unable to form coherent sentences through his breathlessness.
"It's okay, Ed. Breathe. Look at me. Look at me," she was saying, and he watched her eyes with his own wide, panicked ones. "Okay. Copy after me. Sit up properly. That's good. Okay. Slowly breathe with me. In and out. In and out. Slowly. You're okay." He shook his head against the sight of her exaggerating her own breaths, dropping his eyes and feeling his head beginning to swim, dizzy from lack of oxygen. "Okay, Edward, focus. What's... what're the ingredients for human transmutation?" He blinked, the numbers already running through his head. "Out loud. Tell me, come on. You're okay. What're the ingredients?" He gulped in a mouthful or air and felt his chest heaving with the effort as he started mumbling.
"Wa... uh... water, thirty-five... thirty-five litres," he muttered, coughing and breathing heavily, feeling the panic already starting to subside with the change of mental focus. "Car... carbon, twenty kilograms. Ammonia, four... four litres. Lime, one and a half kilograms. Phosphorous, eight hundred grams. Salt, two... two hundred and fifty grams. Saltpeter, one hundred grams. Sulfur, eighty grams. Fluorine, seven and... and a half grams. Iron... iron, five grams. Silicon, three grams. And... and... other trace elements. Fifteen. Fifteen other trace elements." He dropped his head again, squeezing his eyes shut and running through the list again, and then once more as he felt his breathing even out. He trailed off half-way through his fourth listing and swallowed another mouthful of air as he lifted his automail hand to his face, the glove skimming over his cheek as he covered his eyes.
"Are you alright, Edward?" Hawkeye asked quietly, her hand still resting on his shoulder and Black Hayate sat obediently by her feet, tilting his head and looking up at Ed with worry.
"I... thank you," he mumbled, lifting his other hand and steadying himself enough to stand upright again. "I don't... fuck... I..."
"It's fine," she cut in, and he looked up to see a characteristic half-smile on her face. "I used to have panic attacks all the time after Ishval. It's gotten better but I still wake up sometimes struggling to breathe. I can see when someone needs help." He pressed his palm against the outside of his right arm, his elbow digging into the middle of his chest where he had just been feeling painful pressure in the absence of oxygen. "Do you care for telling me what caused that?"
"I had another fight with... uh... the Colonel said... I told him... I suggested that he didn't care about... that he doesn't give a fuck about anything other than getting to the top, and he told me that... well..." he stuttered, not knowing how to word it. He felt the blood rushing to his face and immediately hid it behind his hair. "I panicked after he said something unlike him and I needed out."
"He finally admitted?" she asked, and he looked at the shock in her eyes, the brown twinkling as she released his shoulder at last. "I'm sorry, I told him it was unwise. He promised he wasn't going to say anything that would panic you unnecessarily and clearly... what exactly did he say?"
Ed blinked and bit his lip, ignoring the numb anxiety that bubbled within him as he thought back on the shouting match inside the bastard's office, and the content of the confession he'd heard. "He said that he was in... that he... loved me and that he couldn't cope with feeling that way when I'd never love him back. He said he... well, he implied that he didn't want to be the person to force me to... to settle down."
"And? What did you say back?"
"I... I didn't," he swallowed air and looked down at his feet, his scuffed boots caked with mud from his latest mission. "I just ran. I can't deal with... you know. Feelings. And he was so... upfront about it. It freaked me out. Sorry, you know, that you had to see me like that."
"You need to see him at some point, Edward. He's your commanding officer. What are you going to say to him?" Ed blinked and glanced at Black Hayate, innocently looking back at him. Silence filled the air as he tried to gather his thoughts, with no real success. "Edward?"
Ed looked terrified, and Roy knew he shouldn't have said a word. He should've taken the shouting like a man and done what the Lieutenant had told him - keep his mouth shut. He knew Fullmetal would panic if he ever admitted his feelings for him, and he had just gone and done it in the most forward way imaginable. No wonder the poor man was stood there with an unnaturally pale face and wide eyes, breathing shallowly and quickly in fear. He blinked and Roy held back the urge to bite his lip. He just wanted the silence to end, so he could let the world swallow him up. A nice, dark hole for him to crawl up in forever. Ed blinked again and Roy felt his heart catching in his throat. He would not cry in front of the man he'd just confessed love for, he would not do it.
“I… You… I…” Roy felt his heart sinking at the sight of the panicked, stammering blond in front of him. “I’m sorry, I can’t… I need… I gotta go, I can’t…”
Ed fled from the office and left the door smacking into the wall behind him. Roy finally gave in and chewed his bottom lip, already feeling the sensitive skin beginning to tear. He turned and smashed his fist into the surface of his desk, ignoring the pain that coursed through his arm as the wood splintered slightly. He could hear Havoc’s worried questioning in the neighbouring office and gritted his teeth, knowing the nicotine addict was about to come in, ready to direct those questions at him. Roy let his eyes fall shut. He’d thought it was hard before, not knowing whether Ed would return his feelings. But after the outburst he knew for sure that would never be the case, and now he’d gone and cemented that with his confession. It was bad not knowing Fullmetal’s heart. It was worse knowing he’d been the one to drive him away.
“Uh, Chief?”
Roy groaned inwardly and forced his calm mask onto his face, turning and looking at the two men stood in his office door. Breda looked, as always, bored, if a little concerned. Havoc, on the other hand, had an expression of panic almost as intense as Fullmetal’s. “Yes, officers?”
“What’s up with the Boss? He was crying. He never cries,” Havoc declares, turning over his shoulder. “What did you do? I know you fight bad sometimes, but you’ve never made him cry before. He looked about to throw up or something.” Roy ground his teeth and turned away, stepping towards his desk and collecting the forms that had scattered with the force of air that had blown through them as his fist – which was now featuring slightly swollen knuckles – had hit the wood.
“I said something stupid and he took it poorly. He’ll cool off and be back to swearing like a sailor soon enough. Just you wait,” he replied, forcing the faked calm to carry through to his voice. “Get back to work, officers. Has anyone seen Lieutenant Hawkeye? She’s due back from her lunch break.” He turned and saw the synchronised shaking heads before releasing an exasperated sigh and waving his hand. On cue, they both turned and fled his office, Havoc turning to pull the door shut behind them.
Roy was left alone and disheartened in his office. He glanced over his shoulder at the clock and dug his teeth sharper into his lip. Resigned, he sunk back into the chair behind his desk and pulled a form towards him. He might as well do some of this damn paperwork while he has some spare time.
By the time he heard the next solid rap of knuckles on the other side of his door, he’d gotten through half a stack of paperwork, putting a good chunk into his workload for the week. He called for the visitor to enter and looked up from the paper in front of him as Lieutenant Hawkeye stepped through the door, carefully latching the handle behind her and saluting him half-heartedly. He frowned, letting his pen fall onto the pile of paperwork and rising from his chair, stepping around the desk. “Lieutenant Hawkeye. You were out for…” He glanced up at the clock, frowning deeper. “A long time. What held you up?”
“Major Elric was in distress and I offered my assistance. Sir, permission to act and speak freely?” Roy swallowed shallowly as he nodded his approval and flinched harshly as she stepped over and slapped him hard across the face. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, Roy, but you can’t treat Edward or anyone like that.” He held up his hand to his face, feeling the after-effect of the powerful sting of her palm. He’d been slapped by a good number of women and even the odd man, but none of them had hurt as much as that one – both physically and emotionally. “I got back from walking Black Hayate and I found Edward bent over the fountain, sobbing. Openly sobbing. I have never seen him react like that to anything, and I have seen my fair share of hell on his behalf. He has been through a lot, Roy, and he has never reacted that strongly. Ever. He was sobbing and wheezing, clutching the damned fountain, and it took multiple recitals of human transmutation ingredients to calm him down enough to get him breathing right. I don’t know what you said to him, outside of what he told me, but however you went about that was the wrong damned way to do it. He was shaking even after he’d relaxed a little. I warned you to be careful with him. I have had my fair share of panic attacks after the War, but I have never looked that terrified. What the hell did you say?”
“I just…” Roy swallowed again, dropping his hand from his cheek and feeling like a scolded child. “I confessed my feelings for him. He took it poorly. End of story.”
“End of story? No,” she answered, and he was honestly shocked. The Lieutenant had never been one to show emotion, and she was terrifying with her anger. “No, that’s not the end of the story. Whatever you said, however you worded it, he is scared. Genuinely, honestly, scared. He wasn’t scared when he learned the truth about the Philosopher’s Stone. He wasn’t scared when Al’s armour started rejecting him. He wasn’t scared when he thought he might die – every damned time he thought he was about to get killed. Edward Elric is nineteen years old, Roy, and I have never seen him so scared for as long as I’ve known him. So, do you know what you’re going to do?” He let the silence answer for him, worried that whatever he said would only make his case worse. She smiled thinly at him. “Look out that window. You can see him from here. How does he look to you?”
Roy blinked and slowly turned away from her, stepping back around his desk and leaning towards the glass. With a quick scan, he could see the Courtyard fountain and, on its rim, the Fullmetal Alchemist. He looked like the hollow shell of a man who’d had everything taken from him. As far away as he was, Roy could see him shaking. He was pale. The usual golden glow of his skin was gone, and he looked pasty and ill. He was holding his head in his hands and Roy could honestly say that he had never seen the man so broken – even on that day, so long ago, when they’d met in Resembool.
“He…” Roy swallowed, not wanting to glance away and feeling his heart aching at the sight. “I need to go speak to him.”
“No.” He spun around and saw the hard look on the Lieutenant’s face. “No, Roy. You’re going to follow me and he’s going to talk to you. You’re not going to say a word until he’s done. If he cries again, you’re going to see it. If he shouts, you’re going to listen. If he hits you, you’re going to take it. You’re going to let him get his perspective in and you’re going to give him the chance to voice his views on the subject. You got enough speaking time and look what it did.” He glanced back out the window and felt his breath catch at the sight of Ed’s face tilted up to the sky; even from here, the shimmer of tears on his face was clear.
“Okay. Take me to him.” Hawkeye nodded in response and he grabbed his jacket, shrugging on the blue fabric and ignoring the glint of the gold stars in the artificial light. They both left the room and he pulled the door shut behind him, walking straight-backed through the office. He gritted his teeth harder. This whole event reminded him of the time he’d climbed a tree as a child and gotten stuck. Aunt Chris had lost it at him from the hospital bed after he’d fallen and he knew that if he hadn’t had a broken leg that she’d have forced him to walk the fourteen blocks to apologise to the owner of the tree he’d pulled a branch off of. Walking through the Central offices, he refused to lower his gaze as he followed his Lieutenant out to the Courtyard and paced towards the fountain. He could see Fullmetal seated facing away from him and noticed Black Hayate at his heels – Hawkeye had clearly left him there as a comfort for the man and his formerly-automail hand was weaving its fingers through the short black fur on the dog’s head. “I don’t know why I said what I did,” he mutters to his Lieutenant, catching her attention and diverting his eyes from the broken man a few hundred yards away. “But I already regret it.”
“Edward!” she called out after a minute when they’d gotten close enough for Roy’s heart to be forming a lump in his throat. Fullmetal turns and blanches at the sight of Roy, and the elder man flinches at the expression on his face, dropping his eyes and waiting for the rejection. “I made him promise to let you talk.” Roy looks up at her and frowns; he’d said no such thing. But looking at her expression, he bit his tongue and silently agreed. “Say what you need to. Do you want me to stay here?”
“Uh,” the young alchemist coughed, forcing himself shakily out of his perch on the fountain’s edge. His voice cracked slightly as he continued to speak, the evidence of his former tears clear in his voice. Roy swallowed in regret as he recognised that fact, focusing his eyes on a stray ant crawling over his boot. He hadn’t felt so ashamed of himself since he first realised his identity, and he’d strived to never feel that way again. Recognising the feeling in this setting made him annoyed at himself at best, and he hated himself for the fact that Edward had cried over his confession. “No, it’s okay. I’m… I’m okay now, I think. I guess I… I think… no, I’m okay. Thank you, for… for helping and… you know. Sorry.” Hawkeye nods, stepping forward to rest a hand on the red shoulder before picking up Black Hayate’s lead and turning to head back to the office. She stopped, waiting for Roy to look up at her before nodding slightly. He sighed internally. She didn’t hate him – she was just disappointed by his inappropriate approach to the topic. He turned to watch her leave and inwardly groaned at the increasing tension between him and Fullmetal as the silence stretched out.
“Colonel, I…” Ed trailed off and Roy resisted the urge to hug his arms over his chest, not wanting to look as pathetic as he was starting to feel inside. He waited for Edward to continue and felt the bite of pain as he did. “I don’t… I don’t love you.” Roy felt his eyes flutter closed and dropped his face, lifting one hand to the back of his neck and rubbing the short hair he felt against his hand. “I don’t… I’m not… I know that I… fuck.” Ed dropped back to the fountain. “I know I’m not straight. I’ve never… you know. Been… attracted to girls. A while ago, Winry suggested that we… well, I couldn’t do it. I just didn’t… don’t… I’m not into girls. But I don’t know who… what… I don’t know, Colonel. Okay? I don’t know how I feel. I’m not into girls, but at the same time, I’ve never really been into guys. And you…” he trailed off and Roy opened his eyes, watching the expression on Fullmetal’s face. He recognised himself in it – him as a young man realising the attraction he felt to Maes and the other men in his squad. Confused, lost and ultimately scared of his own feelings.
“You don’t understand how you’re feeling and I’ve gone and done… that,” Roy replied after a minute of silence. He tensed his jaw as he saw Edward look up at him. “You’re scared that the world will hate you for the feelings you’ve got. You don’t want to confront the feelings you’ve got and you’re scared of them. And I’ve developed… an attachment to you. You’re scared that if you say no, you’ll hurt me. You need time to figure yourself out and I’ve come on too strong.”
“Yeah, mostly, not about the saying no part, but…” Ed answered, nodding shortly and furrowing his brows. “I mean, I’ve always… been… you know, more… attached? Maybe. To guys, I mean. But I’ve always had Al to… to focus on. I’ve never thought about it. When you… said that you… what you said. When you told me that I… panicked? I know I feel… I am attracted to you, I think.” Roy let his teeth fold over his lip, nodding and forcing himself to breathe steadily. “No, I know. I’ve felt that way for a while. I have. But I’ve been ignoring it – I had higher priorities. What I wanted wasn’t important when… when I was going to lose Al. Everything. And since he’s been okay again… since we got his body back… well, I had time to think about it. And yeah, okay, it scared me. Guys aren’t supposed to… to wonder what other guys look like without shirts on.” Roy watched as Edward’s head dropped and his hands fisted against his knees. “And I was thinking all these things about… other guys, and… well, you.” Roy could feel the pit in his stomach filling itself in as these words came out. “I got scared. I’ve never felt that way about anyone and suddenly every minute of the day is filled with questions and problems and confusion and fuckin’ everything I’ve never thought about before, okay? I threw myself into missions instead. I thought… well, I needed to take my mind off of it. So I focused on all these dickheads killing people and hurting people and… I focused on my role in taking them down. Fuck my safety, fuck staying still long enough to think. I needed out.”
“You could kill yourself doing that, Fu- Edward,” Roy replied, releasing his sore lip as Edward glared up at him. He let himself cross his arms and nodded for the younger man to continue.
“I know that. But with every building that came down, every injury, every shot of adrenaline… each time, it gave me something else to focus on. I can’t deal with… with emotions and shit, you know? Physical pain, I’m good at that shit. But emotional shit? Fuck that. So I took every dangerous mission and took all the risks and… and then you… you…” Roy felt his breath catch as he spotted a single tear running down Fullmetal’s cheek. The younger man quickly caught it and coughed, clearing his throat and standing up again. “You said what you did and everything I’ve been ignoring for years came up and I had to think about it. I didn’t have a choice anymore and… all the being scared and panic and worry about what people would think… all of it hit me at once, and you, you fucking bastard, you were just fuckin’ standing there, not a care in the fucking world. Do you have any idea what that did to me?”
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I didn’t think,” Roy answered quickly, letting his eyes drop at the glare that met his gaze. “I’m truly sorry. Lieutenant Hawkeye… she knew. She knew weeks ago and told me not to say anything. She knew you’d react poorly and I agreed not to do anything about it. But you… well, I’m not blaming you. It’s not an excuse. That wouldn’t be fair. But when you insisted I didn’t care, it… it hurt, Edward. So I told you. And I already regret it. I did the wrong thing. And I’m sorry about that.”
“No, don’t. Don’t do that, Bastard,” Edward said, his usual sharp demeanour recovering slightly. “Don’t apologise for having emotions. I should’ve confronted mine ages ago and said something to you so we could figure something out. Al… Al fucking knew everything. He always does. He told me to tell you. But I couldn’t. I did try once, you know. I was gonna say something. But when I came in to… well, to do it. You were in your office with some receptionist flirting your ass off. So I didn’t. I spouted… some fucking bullshit about another building I’d pulled down. I had to go and do it then, so you wouldn’t know I’d lied.”
“You pulled down a building on purpose because you lied to me?” Roy repeated back in shock. He could feel his heart rate increasing again and wasn’t certain whether it was in anger, anxiety or whether he just found Fullmetal’s words amusing.
“I mean… yeah, I guess? But today, it just hit me that… that everything I’ve been feeling is real and not… it’s actually… I mean…” he trailed off, folding his hands over his chest and his golden flush returning to his skin. “I don’t love you, Colonel. But that doesn’t mean that… what you said… when you… fuck. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, uh.” He coughed, looking up at Roy before biting his lip and tensing, squeezing his eyes shut as he forces himself to continue. “I don’t love you, and saying I do would be a lie. I don’t want to lie to you again. And when you said I would never love you, that… that was a lie, too. You’re someone… I could love you, Colonel. One day. It could happen. I don’t do emotions and shit but, you’re the one person I know who I think I could really love. So when you said I never would, I panicked because… I… you… you fucking… you were lying to both of us and telling you the truth felt fucking impossible and I couldn’t do it anymore and I couldn’t breathe so I had to… I needed out, Colonel and I-”
“Edward, can I kiss you?” Roy cut in, his heart rocketing through his ribcage as he heard the words coming from his mouth. The two men stood in silence looking at each other, Edward’s mouth hanging open in surprise and Roy forcing himself not to look at the pink flush blending with the glow of gold on his cheeks. After a minute more of quiet, he internally kicked himself and uncrossed his arms, pushing a hand over his face with a sigh. “Never mind. I… sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that. It was inappropriate. You’re a subordinate, and fraternization is frowned upon. I mean, it’s not illegal but it’s not something the military strives for, and I don’t want to give you or anyone the impression that-”
“Yes.”
Roy’s eyes shot up, staring from under his hand on his forehead at the quickly fluttering lashes of the young man in front of him. His hand dropped from his face and he watched the golden-haired alchemist stepping towards him, hands still clutching the fabric of his own shirt. “Edward…” Roy started but stopped himself when he saw the fiery determination in the other’s eyes, hiding a pang of embarrassment that seemed to be infectious. He took a breath and forced himself to relax his jaw before slowly stretching his hand out and restraining a gasp as his fingers met a warm cheek. Fullmetal blinked as he unconsciously leant into the touch, and Roy took a step towards him, closing the gap a little further. Edward hesitated before returning a grip, his weaker arm fisting loosely in Roy’s blue jacket, the buttons still done up. The older man could hear the gentle running of water in the fountain and it helped to calm him. The silence continued and Roy blinked into it. “Edward, if you’re uncomfortable, you don’t have to-”
Edward sighed and strengthened his grip, pulling Roy towards him and forcing their lips to meet in a clumsy collision of mutual awkwardness. Roy pulled back, staring into the ring of gold around Edward’s irises before slowly and gently meeting his mouth. He let his eyes slide shut. The water in the fountain trickled in the background, a bird cawed overhead, and Roy could only recognise the soothing silence of their embrace. Edward’s lips were softer than he’d expected, and he could almost sense the confused crumble of muscles between the man’s eyebrows as he leant further into the kiss. Over the last few years, Edward had finally had a growth spurt, and Roy was finally forced to face that reality. While the alchemist had once been lucky to meet his shoulders, their noses were now side-by-side with no tiptoes required.
He was surprised when the younger brought his other hand to his shoulders, pulling him closer yet and gently running the tip of his tongue over Roy’s bottom lip. He almost smiled – that move was classic Mustang and it was a fresh experience to feel it himself. He allowed Fullmetal to pry his lips apart and met the tongue that gently probed his own. He could feel the warmth of his cheek beneath his hand and the tickle of hair against his knuckles; the world around them had faded away and he could only bring himself to recognise the sensations involved with kissing the man he loved. Hair gave way to his searching fingers as he let his hand drift to the back of Edward’s head, and he revelled in the soft noise that was pulled from the younger as he applied a gentle pressure to the strands between his digits. Those fingers could click and destroy the world, could give permission for acts of violence or domesticity, and apparently could turn Edward Elric into an almost-subdued victim of a surprisingly good kiss. The thought led the corners of his mouth to twitch as he scratched his teeth over the sensitive skin of Edward’s lower lip, then he found himself gasping as the pads of fingers dug into his shoulder through the thick fabric of his military-issued jacket. He forced himself to pull away, reminding himself that they were stood in the middle of the Central Courtyard, in full view of any officer who happened to glance out their office window. He let his forehead lean against Edward’s, and he grinned softly against the clear shock and desire swimming in those gold pools of his eyes.
A loud cough drew him out of his focus and he regretfully pulled back, turning to see the return of Lieutenant Hawkeye, stood a few feet away and blinking in uncharacteristic surprise. “Well,” she said finally, as Roy turned back to see an attractive flush on Edward’s face. “I see that talk went well. Sorry to interrupt, but you’ve got a call from Fuhrer Grumman, Sir. He claims it’s urgent.”
“Everything’s urgent to that man,” Roy replied, tearing his eyes and hands from Edward and straightening his jacket before running a hand through his hair, realising that while he’d been tangling his fingers in golden locks, his own head had become unravelled. His dark fringe fell back against his forehead and he sighed. “Fine. This conversation will have to… be resumed at a later date, Fullmetal, I’m afraid.”
“Uh, yeah… sure,” comes the reply, and he felt the corner of his mouth lift unconsciously. Edward held a hand to the back of his neck, straightening his braid a little. “Fine by me. Go… uh, fucking save the country or something.”
Roy blinks, smiling properly at the golden man in his view before nodding and turning to follow Hawkeye back to the office. She opened her mouth to talk and changed her mind, waiting a minute under Roy’s watchful gaze as she considered her words, before finally deciding on them. “Sir if you hurt that man again, I will personally see to your execution.”
“Understood, Lieutenant.”