Work Text:
"You're late."
"My apologies, Ray. The delay was unavoidable. You see, there was a woman-"
"There's always a woman with you. We missed the train. You know the Department's not footing the bill, right?"
"I will be happy to reimburse you."
"It's not about the money. It's about you running off to play Superman and ditching me. I ain't Louis Lane, Fraser."
"I am not entirely sure what you are talking about. Have I met this Miss Lane?"
"You're yanking my chain. Don't yank my chain right now, Fraser. I've been waiting on you for two hours. Dos. I'm getting you a cell phone and duct-taping it to your head."
"That doesn't sound very practical. How would I make calls if the phone is attached to my head? Furthermore, my hat will likely not fit over the protrusion, and as it is a part of the uniform I cannot very well leave it off."
"Fraser!"
"Yes, Ray?"
"Where. Were. You."
"Well, as I tried to explain before the conversation was derailed by a discussion of what I surmise are fictional characters-"
"And now he gets snippy."
"I am not- Perhaps you do not wish to hear the story after all."
"No I don't, actually, but we've got an hour to kill 'til the next train to Springfield and there's nothing to do here except count rats. I'm up to seven now. Seven rats, Fraser. Do you see what you do to me?"
"Have you informed the Station personnel?"
"About how you're a freak? No, but hang out here long enough and I'm sure they'll find out on their own."
"About the rats, Ray. Rats carry diseases. Although historical claims of their potency do tend to be exaggerated. The Black Plague that ravaged Europe during the Middle Ages, for instance, was wrongly ascribed to rats when the disease was in fact spread by gerbils people kept as pets-"
"I'll kick you in the head. Don't think I won't."
"I thought you wanted a story."
"Not that story. The other story. The why the hell are you two hours late story."
"Ah. There is really not that much to it. I was on my way to Union Station and found myself in need of directions-"
"Oh, God. You walked here, didn't you."
"Well, yes, Ray. That is how one generally gets from place to place."
"No, one doesn't. You do. Damn it, I knew I should've picked you up."
"I wanted to stretch my legs before the trip."
"It's five miles from the Consulate to the Station!"
"I left myself plenty of time. I would have been here early, in fact. Mr. Patel was of utmost help."
"And the saga deepens. Mr. Patel is...?"
"The owner of the dollar store I stopped in for directions. It's a lovely establishment, down on Lawrence and Foster."
"Great. I'll keep it in mind for when your birthday rolls around. That's where you met the chick? I know that look. Don't you dare start off on some tangerine-"
"Tangent."
"Shut up. On some tangent about American slang. I'm low on patience. You're scraping the bottom with both hands, here."
"I see. To answer your question: No. We crossed paths in the alley between Mr. Patel's store and the Laundromat next door."
"And she needed help."
"Yes."
"She told you that."
"Well, she didn't say anything, but she was visibly upset."
"Right. So you butted into someone's life uninvited. Color me surprised."
"It was the right thing to do, Ray. She was crying and obviously on edge. She startled so badly when she saw me that she dropped her gun."
"Gun? She had a gun?"
"Yes, but - Ray, I'm unharmed, there's really no need to pat me down-"
"The gun doesn't make top news, but plague gerbils from the Middle Ages do? What the hell is wrong with- Is that a bullet-hole?!"
"The fabric is just singed. The bullet barely nicked my sleeve, Ray."
"Oh, barely nicked. That's great, that's greatness. Show me your arm."
"I'm quite alright-"
"Someone shot at you, Fraser!"
"Not on purpose. The gun discharged when it struck the ground, you see."
"No, I don't see, seeing as I wasn't there to see. What happened to partners, huh? To back-up?"
"You can't possibly expect me to find the time for a payphone while chasing a suspect!"
"You chased her?"
"Of course. She was distraught and in the possession of a loaded gun. It was a safety hazard."
"You're a safety hazard!"
"Please, calm down. There is a security guard looking at us."
"Good. He can watch me wring your neck."
"Ray, there is really no need for alarm. Simone is a perfectly pleasant young woman. She was simply in need of funds and made some rash decisions."
"Oh, great. A mugger. You made friends with a mugger."
"This was her first offense. I let her go with a warning. She surrendered the gun, of course."
"And what did you surrender?"
"I - I don't know what you mean."
"Don't give me that bull. I ain't Frannie, the wide blue eyes of Canadian innocence don't work on me. You gave her money, didn't you."
"Well..."
"How much? Fifty? A hundred?"
"She was short on rent, and there are utility bills besides..."
"Two hundred. Three? Fraser. Fraser you didn't give this girl more than three hundred dollars. Why would you even have more than three hundred on you?"
"As a matter of fact, Ray, I cashed a check in preparation for our trip just this morning, so-"
"-you gave her everything. Your entire salary."
"That is...more or less correct."
"...Come on."
"The train departs in fifteen minutes."
"We ain't catching that one."
"Ah. Where are we going, then?"
"To get pizza, and ice for that bruise on your arm."
"Thank you, Ray."
"Don't thank me yet. We're going to the hardware store after."
"For?"
"Duct tape."
[Gif credit to kenzadalis on Tumblr.]