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There weren’t many things able to capture Joshua’s mind like this. On a normal day, Joshua’s mind was clear as water. Today, though, wasn’t shaping up to be a normal day.
Many of his members suffered like he did, if not even more, sometimes — especially Jun and Minghao. They all missed home, but it’s always harder when home is in a different country.
Joshua was one of the first to wake up. Though one thought in the back of his head was pushing him to stay in bed and look at pictures from the last time he visited home, he knew that wasn’t an option, so he just checked his phone. 8AM. His roommate, Jeonghan, was sound asleep in his bed on the other side of the room. He can sleep a little bit more, Joshua thought, it’s still early (but maybe he was just feeling soft).
If anyone noticed Joshua having difficulty pouring milk in his cereal, they didn’t mention it. Even if they did, it would have gone in one ear and out the other.
“Mom, can we get Lucky Charms?” A young Joshua and his mother at the grocery store.
It was a school day, but he had a dentist appointment in the morning and begged not to be taken back to school afterwards (It worked). His mother scanned the cereal aisle. “That’s not really healthy, baby. Is there anything else you want?”
Joshua knew what to do. He looked over at all of the other cereals, but his choice was already made. He looked back up at his mother, eyes wide, eyebrows soft and lips in a pout. “Please, mom?” She sighed and tsked softly. “What am I going to do with you?” Little Joshua giggled as he was handed the colorful cereal box. “Thanks, mom!”
Somehow, the cereal tasted different that morning. Maybe it was because he was older. Maybe because he added too much milk, or the cereal got just a little bit soggy. Maybe it was because he was thousands of miles away. Maybe…
Joshua’s phone vibrated. It was a message from Wonwoo; I’m getting coffee, do you want me to pick you up anything? Maybe he did. Yeah, coffee, please. Then, I got you. Thanks.
“Hey, Josh!” Just as he was about to close the door, he turned back. “Yeah, Dad?”
“Good luck on your test!” “Thank you!” In truth, Joshua didn’t need luck at all. He spent all week studying, he knew this stuff! But, he did need help staying awake to take the test. He might have stolen his dad’s cup of coffee — but it’s okay! He didn’t notice… and Joshua was very well prepared for his exam.
Joshua rode his bike to school. Some days, he was lazy and wished he didn’t, but other days he wanted to thank his bike. Most days, the weather in LA was sunny. As he rode, he could see people getting ready for the beach, eating breakfast and drinking coffee at the local cafes. He waved to a baby. The baby giggled.
“Joshua?” His head snapped up — he must have been staring at his staring at his (now soggy) cereal. “Y-yeah?”
“Can you come with me? A few others wanted some coffee and I might not have enough hands…” Wonwoo was dressed to go out. Joshua, however, was still in his pajamas. “Oh, sure, just give me a second.”
“Did you even eat that cereal?” Wonwoo pointed at the bowl and eyed Joshua.
“It didn’t taste right,” Joshua mumbled. He stood up and began clearing the table. “What was that?” Wonwoo just looked confused. “Nothing,” Joshua said, louder, as he began towards his door. “I’ll be ready in a minute.”
———
In the end, Mingyu tagged along. Not because they needed more hands, but because he had nothing better to do.
“Why don’t we stop by the river?” Or maybe Mingyu didn’t want to visit the Han River by himself.
“Oh, sure. Not too long, though, the coffees will get cold.”
Wonwoo lead the way next to Mingyu, while Joshua trailed behind the both of them slightly. It was easier for Joshua to walk when he was facing the ground. The more concrete he saw, the more Seoul looked like LA — and if he looked up, he’d see a dozen white masks. Only when the concrete turned into grass did he decide to raise his head.
They had arrived at the park and were walking towards the river. The sight of the water made Joshua want to break down right there. Everything about the river — the size, the rapidness, the color — was so drastically different from the beach.
Suddenly all of his homesickness from that morning rushed back to him like a river of his own. And maybe he shed a tear, or two, because at one point he realized Wonwoo and Mingyu were staring at him with wide eyes. Seeing them, he let out a few tears. And a few more. He wanted to kick himself. How could he miss home so much if he had people here? These people are here for you and this is how you repay them? By wanting to leave them? He shook his head and covered his eyes. I’m too selfish. By this point he was sobbing.
Joshua felt hands patting his back. No, I don’t deserve this, he shook his head.
“Hyung?” Mingyu spoke softly, as if he was afraid to break Joshua. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry,” sniffed Joshua. “The coffee is getting cold.” “Don’t worry about the coffee,” spoke Wonwoo. “Are you okay?” Wonwoo’s hand rubbing at his back gave Joshua reassurance to speak. Just say it, he thought, if they hate you for not wanting to be with them then at least you’ll be sent home.
“I-I miss home.” “Oh, Joshua…”
They sat in front of the river until Joshua calmed down; which could have been five or ten or thirty minutes — however long it had been, the coffee was still warm. Joshua was sure Mingyu was texting everyone about his little breakdown, but somehow he didn’t mind. It comforted him to know that he had so many people that cared about him. It also made him feel twice as bad.
“I’m sorry,” he broke the silence, “I don’t want it to seem like I’m not grateful, because I am.”
Mingyu sighed. “We all miss home sometimes.”
Wonwoo nodded. “And it must be awful being so far from your family.” Joshua hummed affirmatively.
“But, think about it this way,” Mingyu turned to face Joshua, features kind and hopeful, “We can be your family, too.”
If anyone noticed their coffee wasn’t as warm as usual, or the tear tracks on Joshua’s face, nobody said anything.
And if Joshua thought that it was unusual that Vernon joined him to watch Adventure Time, he didn’t say anything.
And if, in six months, on their world tour, he was given an extra day to spend in LA, he made sure to thank his mother (and Seungcheol).