Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It wasn’t about strength.

Maybe it was.

When thoughts collide inside a person, they create ripples that destabilize any structures they’ve built up inside and around themselves. Contradictory beliefs bounce off each other and wreck havoc.

It wasn’t about strength. Gavin Reed knew he was strong. He didn’t need to prove it to anyone.

Strong until one simple insecurity creeps in, and then everything he is, all his strength and being, was amassed and pushed into fortifying the weak spot to the point where everything crumbled. Everything else was ignored because all he cared about was keeping that one crack sealed.

He hated being wrong. He was strong, and that meant he was right. He had to be, because if he was wrong, he was weak.

(Fighting, heart pounding, I try in vain to land any hit on my opponent, taking blow after blow as Connor moves with inhuman speed.)

(The president, a news reporter, a late night TV show, all anyone can talk about is the sentience of androids, I can’t escape it.)

(I tried to kill him)

(I failed)

(He was alive in the first place?)

(I failed)

(I thought I was better than him.)

In so many ways, he’d thought he was better than him. It wasn’t about strength. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was about being alive, authentic (authentic?), or maybe it was about emotions -- whatever it was, it was tearing something inside Gavin apart.

(I was wrong)

Some thoughts he wouldn’t allow to fully form, cutting them off and nipping them at the bud. They were weeds. They’d overgrow in his mind, and he had to be strong. They’d worm their way into the foundation of his being and they’d destroy him.

It wasn’t about strength.

He had to be strong.  

(Shut up)

Gavin Reed considered himself a very stable asset in times of crisis. Sure, he was hardly the hardest working or most reliable detective at the DPD, his ego was big but he knew his place-- unlike some people -- but when shit hit the fan and weakness or vulnerability needed strength, he could be that strength.

(It’s not about strength)

(Shut up)

He could help people who needed it, he was a cop after all.

Deep down, in those times of crisis in his line of work, Gavin thought about childhood. Thoughts he’d never admit to even his closest confidants, soft and quiet thoughts that pushed him through emergencies with a strong head.

(Summer days and whispers, knuckles stained with the blood of a bully, warm smiles)

They were thoughts he’d allow, but conditionally.  

They were thoughts he kept locked in a cage, only to be let out when he needed them like a tool to be used.

(A tool, a douchebag, a machine, so annoying, not alive, too perfect)

Gavin had thought the break room was empty when he stepped in, trail gone cold. He was about to turn away when he noticed a shape moving slightly in the shadow of the counter. Connor. He was sitting with his back to the far wall, hunched in the dark.

The androids position was foreign to his form, fallen and crooked like a body crumples after it’s shot -- but Connor looked objectively fine, no trace of eerie blue stains to suggest he’d managed to get injured in the two minutes since Gavin had last seen him. The only indication that anything wasn’t perfectly fine, was the blinking red light at Connor’s temple glowing in the shadows and the too fast rise and heave of his chest.

Gavin frowned, caught in between the urge to pretend he hadn’t noticed anything wrong (wrong, so wrong, what the fuck, this isn’t Connor) and that second voice telling him that if he didn’t hate himself already, he’d hate himself far more and go to hell if he walked away from Connor right then.

(It’s not about strength)

He’d followed the android from the office to the break room primarily out of curiosity, noticing the disco lights of red and yellow on Connor’s LED when passing Gavin’s desk. It wasn't hard to note that something seemed off about the way he’d frantically been tossing his stupid coin, but now curiosity had been coupled with a strange kind of concern.

“Christ, what, get your wires crossed or somethin’?” He called out in a gravelly voice, and the android jolted as if electrocuted, head snapping to the side with tight eyes.

“Too much-much-much-much-much-much-much-much-” Connor’s voice seemed caught in a loop, like a skipping disk and his expression turned to horrified frustration. “I can not-not-not process…”

Gavin coughed, almost in amusement, “Shit, something's actually wrong, huh?”

It was bizarre to hear Connor’s irritatingly soft and smooth voice glitching so badly. The android didn’t sound particularly panicked, but his dark eyes betrayed a lost and defeated kind of nervousness, if not genuine fear.

Gavin remembered noting that the android had always had a strangely expressive face, even before his so-called deviation. Back then he’d assumed it was probably his ‘state of the art’ social programs and complicated facial panels under that creepy synthetic skin. Maybe every android was that complex inside, but Gavin had caught sight of Connor’s schematics when the Jericho leader had once come to the DPD to help repair the android’s cheekbone, and Christ it really was just like the unfathomable complexities of human physiology.

But thoughts like those made Gavin uncomfortable. They’d been happening more and more lately.

(Creeping in and tearing everything down)

Connor was shaking his head, trying to get something out of his malfunctioning voice box, “Too bright, too loud, I can not- I can not- I can not process--” He never seemed to be able to get passed that point, always getting stuck after the word process no matter how many times he repeated himself. The skin around his eyes tightened and twitched as he blinked rapidly, head jerking from side to side occasionally.

It was getting annoying, and Gavin hated feeling useless.

Surveying the android, he didn’t know whether to treat this like he would a glitched out computer or a panicking human. Because it was both. He didn’t entirely know how android’s replication of emotions worked or what they were like, but despite the odd buzzing sounds and static, Connor looked more human than he ever had before Gavin’s eyes.

Maybe it was because Connor finally wasn’t the perfect and faultless wonderboy machine that made Gavin so deeply insecure even though he could barely admit that to himself.

(I don’t have anything to prove)

“Alright, uh…” He paused, “listen, I’m pretty good at dealing with people freaking the fuck out, I am a cop after all and damn fucking good one--” Now wasn’t the time to stroke his ego, (get a hold of it, asshole) “--but I don’t know jack shit about machines.”

Maybe somehow these things were now more than machines, but if anything they were still just the equivalent of a human. Their fancy emotions and feelings didn’t negate the wires and plastic to a humans veins and flesh.

Connor didn’t reply, just shook his head a little more, brows furrowed. His breath was still coming far too fast, even more now that his mouth wasn’t trying to speak. Gavin heard him tell Anderson once that he wasn't generally required to breath, after a pursued suspect attempted to ambush and smother him with a plastic bag. The android had explained that ‘his simulated breathing was primarily for humanization and aiding in providing airflow to his core fans to keep his system from overheating’. 

Gavin assumed human integration wasn’t the reason for the android’s fast, laboured breath. Connor was hyperventilating, in the most mechanical and literal sense. He stood and quickly walked to the break room fridge. In the freezer he found a couple ice packs and pulled them out, glancing back at Connor.

Twitching brown eyes were watching his movements, blinking rapidly as Gavin returned to his side and lowered himself down to his knees so they were level. 

Even from here, he could tell that Connor was too warm. His body was emanating heat, and there was a faint sound of whirring like an old computer.

“Here.” He carefully arranged the first ice pack at the back of Connor’s neck, then placed the other into one of his hands. Gavin guided the hand to hold the pack against Connor’s chest, where the noise seemed to be coming from. His skin tingled like there was an electrical current running through them. “Normally I’d say to try an’ control your breathing, but… I dunno, maybe you actually need to be breathing like that.”

“I-- I find myself incapable of--” Connor choked out between gasps, “regulating m-my air intake.”

“Yeah, that happens sometimes.” God, he felt out of his depth. He hardly had a refined sensitivity, but generally he considered himself pretty good at this kind of stuff.

(I ' m a cop after all)

Now though, he felt as overwhelmed as the panicking android.

There was something painful in his heart, like pity, maybe. It was making it hard to focus.

(A gentle hand brushing against his, sunlight making the playground glow as a child’s voice speaks)

“Good to hear you can still kinda talk, though, I guess. Even if you sound like a shitty remixed EDM song.” Gavin finally added gruffly, "Is something like, broken? Should I go get Anderson?" He almost said 'contact Cyberlife', but that wasn't an option anymore. Connor wasn't the android sent by Cyberlife anymore. Gavin wondered what it was like to have your whole world ripped from underneath you like that. 

(Cracks in the foundation, everything's coming down) 

Connor's hands gripped the icepack against his chest tight, "Hank's assistance is not necessary. Eighty-three percent chance-chance-chance that the situation is temporary." That still left seventeen percent. "However, my limi-ttttttttttttttttt-ed experience with this type of mal-mal-malfunct-- leaves less data for accurate probability." 

That wasn't reassuring in any way, but Gavin felt resistant to arguing with the android when the word 'data' became caught in yet another vocal loop, this time independently of a sentence. There was something very unnerving about the way Connor's expression kept shifting back and forth between frustration and panic as he struggled against malfunction. 

(too human) 

As Gavin spoke, Connor's voice cut off and his LED circled yellow like he was turning all his attention to the other man's words, “Can you, uh, tell me what’s… do you know what, like, the problem is? Just sensory stuff or?” At that thought, he stood as Connor collected his own and seemed to try again to reply. While the android’s glitching voice worked out the words, Gavin headed over to the light switch and let his finger slide down the panel until the overhead lights dimmed to 30%. ‘Too bright, too loud.’ Connor had said.

“P-processor overworking. Everything is-is-is-is-is-” Brown eyes narrowed as he struggled to regain control of his words, “-difficult to-”

“Dunno how android brains really work, but when people-- humans-- get super worked up their minds go on like, hyperdrive. I guess with a supercomputer in your head that shit gets like tenfold, huh.”

“Did not fully recharge last night-- suboptimal proccsssszzzzzzzzzz--” Connor’s face scrunched with frustration. Gavin’s chest panged at the way the delicate skin around his sculpted lips stretched with a semblance of pain. “Too many scenarios. Too much d-d-d-d-data. Stimulus. Data. Should be able to ha-handle it.”

“You and Anderson were talkin’ about the case a few minutes ago, right?” Connor nodded at Gavin’s question, “So you like, what, got overwhelmed tryna figure it out?”

“If I couldn’t feel, ” Connor’s chest heaved, though Gavin was glad to note his breathing wasn’t coming quite as fast as before. “If I couldn’t feel, I wouldn’t have become inunda-da-dated with-with-”

“Hey, leave the big words for when your fully functional.” Gavin snapped, already hating where Connor’s thought process was going. The idea of the android being better as nothing more than a programmed machine now made his gut twist. (I was wrong) “Anyway, despite what I always said, you're not a fuckin’ piece of plastic anymore. You gotta deal with the shittiness of emotions just like the rest of us now. Welcome to sentience.”

He noticed Connor's hand tightly gripping the one holding the ice pack, knuckles tinged blue and almost glowing like there were lights under the synthetic stretched tight from the strain. It was then that he saw the nails dug deep into the side of back of his hand and crook of his thumb, enough to draw beads of blue blood.

“Christ, knock it off.” Level with Connor, he reached out the swat at the hands but the android flinched back, looking down at the thirium as if surprised by his own actions. “Ok, just… try to focus on one thing at a time. Don’t think about the case or nothin’, just find something to focus on.”

“It is-is-is-is-is difficult to control my analysissszzzzzzzzz--process.” The garbled words wrenched from Connor’s mouth, “I dislike this-this-this-this-this-this-this lack of control.”

“Don’t worry about everything else, close your eyes or some shit.” He hoped turning the lights down had helped a little. His best friend had suffered from sensory overloads when they were kids, lights and sounds always seemed to make him spiral harder. Connor’s situation really did seem to parallel to a sensory overload and panic attack, or the supercomputer equivalent of one.

Surprisingly, Connor heeded his advice and his twitching eyes slid shut.

At least his breathing had levelled even more in the last few minutes, and the whirring of fans had died down to a low hum.

The android’s LED was still a circle of danger red, though.

Gavin grit his teeth, “Just, uh, listen to my voice. Not that you ever fuckin’ listen to me anyway. Just… focus only on the one thing. Fuck everything else. Close down whatever programs you got running, control alt delete that shit, force quit anything you got going on in that dumb plastic skull.”

It was hard to treat the android like he would the distressed people he’d interact with on the job, not when he still had that toppling tower of hate still trying to crush him. (Something’s sneaking in, eating at the foundation, weed the garden, seal the cracks.)

“You and Hank, uh, you guys like Knights of the Black Death, right?” He paused, “I don’t really listen to ‘em, but when I was a teenager I listened to this band called Mammoth Grinder. Pretty heavy metal. I was mostly just trying to impress my friends though.” That last part slipped out without him meaning to. Figuring he already sounded like an idiot, he continued. “Anyway, I uh, I bought this album by them called Cosmic Crypt--”

Slowly, he told his story. Gavin relayed to Connor how he had bought the CD and how his high school friends teased him for paying for a physical copy on obsolete technology and how pissed he’d been because he’d only really bought it to impress them in the first place. The whole while, Connor sat with his eyes closed, possibly not even listening.

Slowly, the twitching died down and his LED once again shifted back and forth between red and yellow. Eventually it settled into yellow, but his eyes remained shut.

“Then I lost the fucking thing, and everybody teased me sayin’ I pretended to or lost it on purpose because I was embarrassed about buying a CD. I was so damn pissed, it was worse than if I’d kept it because then they’d still be making fun of me but I’d still have a CD I paid a whole twenty god damn dollars for. Shit, I still think about it and get mad sometimes. Guess it’s just one of those things that don’t really matter when you're a kid but you’re such a dumbass it sticks with you.” Then he frowned, “Though I guess you can’t relate.”

“I’m afraid not, though I can understand your frustration at losing something of material value, along with the respect of your friends.” Connor’s deep brown eyes opened, and a small smile slid across his lips.

Gavin was stuck between annoyed and relieved.

“Look who’s awake.” He grunted with a snort, “You done short circuiting?”

“It appears my stress levels have decreased significantly, and my processor has resumed near optimal functioning.” The LED blinked to blue, to yellow, then remained blue.

“Well, good.” He stood slowly, feeling awkward now that Connor’s eyes were back on him. “It’s bad enough havin’ you around, you might as well be… functional.”

The smile didn’t quite fade, but shifted into a slight smirk.

Gavin huffed a breath and stood up with creaking back, dusting off where some dirt on the floor had stuck to his knees. He avoided the android’s gaze and stepped back, turning away.

“Detective Reed,” Connor’s soft voice came from behind him, and he glanced back to see brown eyes watching him thoughtfully, “Thank you for your assistance. I am unsure I would have been able to regain control near quickly if you had not aided me. If at all.”

Gavin nearly shuddered at the thought of being stuck forever in a loop of data analysis and panic. He wondered if deviancy had ever broken an android before. If it would, surely it’d be a model like Connor.

“Whatever, don’t mention it.” To anyone.

Connor’s lips pursed slightly.

“Don’t fuckin’ look at me like that.” He snapped, frowning.

“Pardon?” Connor blinked.

“Whatever. Just… I’m gonna go back. Some of us have actual work to do.” Gavin grit his teeth, turning.

(It’s not about strength)

(It’s not about failure)

(It’s not about living)

(What is it?) 

Chapter Text

There was a cup of coffee sitting at Gavin’s desk.

He was still rubbing sleep from his eyes and shaking grogginess out of his limbs when he entered the precinct, for a split second as he stood staring at the steaming mug, he thought maybe he was still dreaming. On the side was a small blue sticky note with writing in perfect cyberlife sans, ‘THANK YOU.’

(Long eyelashes flutter in confusion, dark eyes blinking, ‘bring me a coffee, dipshit’)

Gavin remembered the familiar anger. The rage and hatred. They were old friends he didn’t yet know how to live without.

Perfect handwriting, perfect face, perfect eyelashes, too perfect, not human.

(I was wrong)

Gavin grit his teeth, falling heavily down into his chair, staring at the offending cup. He didn’t want to look around to see if Connor was nearby, if he was watching him. He didn’t know if it’d be worse if he was, or if he wasn’t.

Gavin was able to, but hated to, admit that he himself frequently stared at the android. He was hardly the only one of course. Connor was the first DPD android detective and had been a deciding factor in the revolution as a whole, along with the finely crafted face of his unique model, drawing quite a bit of attention to himself from his coworkers and the public.

For Gavin, part of it was curiosity and a need to prove that Connor was or wasn’t still just a machine, studying his movements and behaviours. Part of it was jealousy, or some twisted form of it.

And beyond all that, even though he hated the android, the thing had been designed to be incredibly aesthetically pleasing. Cyberlife had clearly made Connor with the intention of using his appearance to his advantage.

Gavin had always been a sucker for delicate lips and soft, expressive eyes, even if they were attached to a piece of metal and plastic. If he had to endure Connor’s attendance at the office, he should at least get to enjoy the only perk. The android wasn’t human after all, and there was a difference between appreciating an exquisite piece of art and getting a hard-on for a piece of machinery.

Gavin fist tightened with knuckles white, shutting that thought process down before he got himself twisted up in something dumb.

Finally, he looked up, but the android was nowhere to be seen. He fought back a feeling of disappointment, but took the opportunity to grab the cup and sip at it while using his other hand to crumple the note and throw it in the drawer of his desk.

The coffee had been made exactly how he liked it, in fact more perfect than he ever could make it. As though someone had analyzed his preferences and used exact measurements to create the most flawless cup possible -- Gavin smiled into the drink.

No wonder people had liked their domestic housekeeping androids so much.

If Connor had made the coffee he’d demanded of the android, that first day in the breakroom, would Gavin have noticed how good it was? Or would he have been so wrapped up in his own hate to appreciate it -- at the time, all he’d cared about was undermining the unswaying flawlessness of Connor’s presence, trying desperately to assert dominance over him and the situation. If things had gone differently, if Connor had obeyed, he could assume the drink might as well have been water for all the mind capacity he’d had to taste it. At that moment, with Connor staring him down, nothing else had mattered.

Now though, now the flavour flowed over his tongue. Gavin had earned the right to this coffee. The android owed it to him. He could enjoy it.

Gavin knew he was getting too wrapped up in it, thinking too much.

When Connor had returned to the DPD after the revolution, Gavin had thought he’d eventually get used to it, that he could just ignore it so long as the android stayed out of his way. He’d assumed the other option had been to get swamped by his own hate and anger to the point where working in the same office would be unbearable.

He hadn’t considered the third option.

The sound of a voice manufactured to be pleasing to ear could be heard as Connor entered the office from the west hallway, speaking in a calm tone to Anderson at his side.

Just barely managing to look away before those brown eyes surveyed the room to land on him, he sat the cup down quickly and tried desperately to ignore everything. The coffee, the android, the thoughts--

(s neaking in, crumbling foundation, where will I fall?)

“You ok?”

He flinched, glancing back at the person who’d snuck up behind him.

Tina Chen was observing him with amusement, arms crossed, “You look a little sick.”

“I’m fine. Just tired.” He snapped at his friend, almost instinctively reaching for the coffee to punctuate his sentence, but still felt Connor’s eyes on him from across the office.

“I saw Connor making a coffee in the break room.” She leaned against his desk, and he willed her not to look in the android’s direction. “Thought it was probably for Anderson, but…”

He cringed, “Shut up, Tina.”

“Can’t help but notice there’s no cup on his desk. You have one though.” She grinned, “And I know you only just got here. That’s your favourite mug, and you haven’t been to the break room yet.”

“You should be a detective when you grow up.” He snarked.

“Now why would Connor, who by all rights should hate your nasty guts, make you a coffee?”

“I uh… helped him out yesterday.” He shrugged.

Her eyes twinkled, “Helped him out?”

“Dumbass fucked up and needed my help. What else do you want me to say?”

“Listen, I know you’ve been going through a pretty bad dry spell and he’s gotta one hell of a body, which I know you noticed, but you hate androids.” Tina’s face was alight with laughter, though her lips merely quirked slightly, “Connor finally lifelike enough to get your dick hard?”

(a difference between appreciating an exquisite piece of art and getting a hard-on for a piece of machinery)

“Shut the fuck up.” He snapped, “And no, I didn’t notice, thanks.”

“I was there that day he first came into the office, Gavin. You looked him up and down like you were buying a sex toy with no budget.” Though he wouldn’t deny that one. Of course, he’d genuinely been disgusted by the android, but no one in their right mind could ever deny Cyberlife had really outdone themselves when designing Connor, right down to the freckles and beauty marks. Somehow, it only pissed him off more. Then, and now.

“Jesus Christ.” He rubbed his eyes, “Don’t you have work to do?”

“Don’t you?”

“I just got here!”

“Yeah, yeah, take your time savouring that coffee, I’m just busting your balls.” Without further ado, she softly knocked her knuckles against the surface of his desk and then took her leave, making her way to her own desk. Tina was the only one in the office willing to keep up a friendly acquaintance with him, but that didn’t mean he had to enjoy it.

Gavin knew most of his coworkers disliked him, if not outright despised him. Their animosity didn’t bother him though, if anything it fueled his desire to climb to the top and loom over them with his success.

(Crumbling foundation)

(I have nothing to prove)

(Strength)

(Weakness)

Conner. Gavin wished the fucker would stop looking at him. That thought made him desperately hope the android hadn’t noticed all of his own glances over the past few months -- Gavin wasn’t used to being on the receiving end, unsure of what the looks meant, what to do, how to act, did Connor ever feel this way?

Though the idea of the android somehow feeling flustered under his gaze gave him a peculiar sense of satisfaction.

When he saw Connor sit down at his own desk in his peripherals, he risked a glance up and took another large mouthful of coffee when the coast was clear.

God, it was good.

Somehow, the morning managed to pass fairly pleasantly by Gavin’s standards. He was hardly a morning person, but between the coffee and the open case files on his monitor, time started to flow by an easy pace. In no time, he’d completed his latest report and sent it off to Fowler, wrote up a list of a witnesses Chris needed to look into and emailed it off, gotten halfway through reading up on his backburner case, and drank the coffee in its entirety.

By eleven thirty, Gavin had two options. He could go make another cup of coffee that would probably taste disgusting by comparison, or head over to the evidence room to check out a fairly unlikely and undefined lead. Neither were great choices, but reaching his first roadblock hours after starting his shift meant so far it’d been a pretty damn good day.

Coffee, or evidence.
Evidence, or coffee.

Gavin stood, back cracking. Chris was a few desks away, talking with a couple other detectives. The conversation, from what he could hear, flowed back and forth between work and personal life.

One of the detectives, a girl who’d secured their latest piece of evidence at her crime scene last night, was talking animatedly.

“Yo, Chris.” He called out as he approached, noticing the way all three people cringed a little at his voice. Always good to be welcome.

“Ah, hey Gavin.” Chris was generally pretty lukewarm about him, tolerating his outbursts but remaining steadfast in keep Gavin at arm’s length. He couldn’t really blame him.

The girl had stopped mid sentence, freezing to glare in his direction.

“I’m headed to evidence to look into the Washington lead.” Gavin ignored her, “You still have the link to that advertisement?”

Chris was about to reply, before the girl interrupted, “The wedding ring’s still being processed. Dale said it’d be ready by noon.”

“And sorry, Gavin. I gotta re-interview the victim’s wife in a couple minutes. I think the ad’s still on my terminal somewhere though, if you wanna check it out.” Chris stood, head bowed a little apologetically, shooting the two detectives a quick smile before pushing his chair back in and making his retreat.

Not eager to spend any more time in Gavin’s presence, they too vacated the desk without a word.

Teeth clenched, he took a moment to breathe a short snort before turning to the terminal. Of course the ring was still being processed. Of course Chris couldn’t help. Of course his day had to turn from good to shit and full of waiting.

Still standing, he tapped at the touch screen and opened up the case folder. And of course Chris couldn’t have taken a few moments to just email him the engagement ring ad, instead leaving him to sift through the man’s badly organized and improperly named files.

Chris was a good detective, among the small few in the precinct, a percentage that Gavin considered himself apart of, but Christ the guy was not good at sorting his shit.

After a solid three minutes of digging, Gavin was about to call it quits (weak) , when he heard his name spoken from just behind him.

“Detective Reed?”

“Christ!” He jumped, “People gotta stop fuckin’ sneaking up on me.”

It was Connor (of course), with a ridiculous look of concern on his features, “My apologies. You appeared to be distressed, I thought I’d see if I could be of assistance.”

“You ‘thought’, huh?” He growled, looking back at the terminal.

Ignoring the comment, Connor gestured, “Is this not Detective Walker’s desk?”

He paused, wondering if he should even bother replying, before, “He told me he had an ad I need to look at saved in his Hemlock Poisoning case file. I can’t fuckin’ find it, why can’t the asshole just label shit properly?”

“I’ve found humans to be remarkably unique in how they go about assigning labels.” It was practically a non-sequitur, “Can I have a look?”

Gavin almost snapped out a ‘back off, plastic prick’, but the tiredness of earlier had come back since the turn of his good day, and just shrugged defeatedly, “Fine.”

(Weak)

He almost took it back, when Connor reached a hand out to the terminal and the skin peeled back to reveal the pristine white hard polymer (plastic) underneath. It was rare to see, Gavin’d only caught glimpses of androids’ true bodies since the revolution, most desperate to assimilate into human society now that they could.  

Gavin watched in fascination and disgust as Connor pressed the hand against the terminal, eyes fluttering shut as data appeared on the screen, scrolling by with incredible speed. In seconds, one file remained open and the skin had re-appeared over the pure white.

“There you go.” Connor smiled, glancing at the jewelry advertisement on the screen.

“Not gonna thank you.” He grunted, rubbing his nose.

The android’s smile once more didn’t falter, “In that case, let me. I wanted to thank you once more for yesterday.”

“Yeah, yeah, I saw your note.” It slipped out, he hadn’t meant to bring up the coffee at all, but this was ‘thank you’ number three and it was starting to piss him off.  “You don’t gotta keep fuckin’ thanking me, by the way.”

Connor nodded, with the barest tip of his chin, “If it had been anyone else, I perhaps wouldn’t be as perhaps overbearing with my gratitude. However, coming from you, your actions yesterday had a greater significance than if it had been someone else.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“You don’t like me.” Connor explained simply, “Therefore it means more to me that you went out of your way to aid me.”

“I may not like you but I’m not a--” (An asshole, a douchebag, evil, cruel) (Yes I am) “--ah, whatever. It doesn’t matter. Quit thanking me.”

“If that’s your wish.”

(When a human gives you an order, you obey)

Gavin grimaced, avoiding Connor’s eyes to stare up at the clock.

(Panting breaths, the android brought down to his knees before me)

“Were you programmed to be this annoying, or is that all you?” You, the sentient, the alive, the awake. Gavin felt his stomach roll.

“If you were to take Lieutenant Anderson’s opinion, the answer would be ‘all me’.” Was that a cocky grin? It suited his face, even if it seemed strange on an android.

Usually smiles like that, on anyone, made Gavin’s blood boil. All he could notice at the moment though was that Connor had dimples.

(They made him look too good, it’s distracting)

Anger, for a different reason.

It was a reaction to several different things, he knew. Anger towards the designers who carved a dumb prettyboy face into a machine, anger towards the machine for being alive, anger towards the foundation of his being started to crack faster than he could repair with hate and disgust, anger towards himself.

(Crumbling)

(Breaking)

(It feels good)

He was so angry.

Chapter Text

(A breeze is tousling my hair, and I look into his eyes. They’re slightly bruised, but I know that the kids who marked that sweet face are now far more beaten than my friend is. The playground feels vast and open, but beside him, I feel safe, and with me I know he feels safe. 'Don’t worry,' I say, 'I’ll be tough enough for both of us.')

Gavin opened his eyes, and found himself staring at the ceiling.

Everything felt distant, like he could feel the molecular spaces between his body and the bed and could count each increment between himself and the ceiling. Everything was very far away.

He didn’t dream of childhood often, but the warmth remained deep in his chest from the lasting memories of sunshine and comfort.

(Growing up, growing cold, growing too tough)

(Too many people to impress)

(Not enough time to be gentle)

It wasn’t often that he thought about the things he’d lost. Gavin actively tried not to, in his life. Loss was the hollowness the foundation supported, the empty place where something good was supposed to be, something good to be protected by all the walls he’d spent so much time building.

He’d lost the warmth.

His bedroom was cold.

The dark was oppressive, it was very late, a little after midnight.  The week had gone by quickly, wrapping up the Hemlock murder with fingerprints left on a wedding ring and getting a confession from a jilted ex-lover. The arrest and charges had felt hollow though, normally a solved case felt like a notch on his bedpost (in lieu of actual sexual encounters) but lately success at work had less and less of an impact on him.

It bothered him. All Gavin had was his ambition, and if he lost that too? What would he have left?

Groaning, he rolled out of bed, bare feet touching the chilly floor.

He’d gotten an assignment the other day, a cold case that had recently been reopened with new evidence. In all, it was a boring and uninspiring mystery that would probably be shut again in no time, with or without a suspect.

It felt like a lifeline in that moment though, staring into the empty darkness that seemed to stretch further than the confines of his tiny apartment. No matter how exhausted he was, sleep was far away at that point, banished with age old memories and the feeling in his chest.

There was no thinking about it. His legs moved of their own accord, dressing himself with automatic muscle memory, and pulling himself together as he clung to that lifeline.

The drive was mindless. A self-driving car took all the distraction out of the journey (curling up in the backseat of an old sedan, giggling, voices low so mother doesn’t hear) and a lack of coffee leaving him in a stupor. Though he probably wouldn’t have been able to manually drive in the state he was in.

He may not be able to get back to sleep, but there was no way his mind was waking up.

Gavin needed this though. He needed to feel like he was doing something important, that it mattered, that what he was mattered.

He wasn’t surprised to the see the lights on in the office, there was frequently an on-call officer or night crew or janitorial staff member milling about all hours.

(No) Shit, was that… (am I still dreaming ) Connor was sitting across the office, apparently too absorbed in his work to notice Gavin enter (not a childhood dream) with his dark eyes lit up by the screen in front of him.

(He’s kneeling, mouth parted, pink tongue barely poking out from between his lips )

Gavin swallowed thickly, still so wrapped up in his foggy half-awake state (a dream for when the night isn’t warm, it’s hot, it’s burning me alive). The android rubbed his elegant hands together in thought, still staring at the terminal with rapt concentration.

He didn’t know what to do. If he walked the rest of the way into the office, Connor was certainly notice him. If Gavin walked to his desk without saying anything, would the android try to greet him? Somehow, it felt like if Connor initiated, it would be a victory for the other side. Gavin was no coward.

Standing in the doorway, he remained hesitant. This felt different. There was no one else around, it felt so reminiscent of finding the malfunctioning android crumpled in the break room -- the quietness, the dimmed lights, just the two of them with nothing but awkward dysfunctional tension between them.

“What, Anderson got his pet workin’ overtime?” Gavin finally called out, willing his legs to carry him further. He wouldn’t be weak. He wouldn’t give in.

Connor looked up from his work, calm face turning into that of surprise, “Hello Detective Reed.”

They were only a few yards away from each other now, and Gavin stopped at that distance. No need to approach, keep back, keep space between them.

“So what, is your only purpose casework?” He growled, “So much for being alive, real people have lives outside of work, y’know.”

“I had a hunch, and thought I’d come to the office to pursue it.” Connor spoke easily, not reacting to Gavin’s antagonistic comment, “What, may I ask, are you doing here at this hour? I don’t believe you’re on call, and humans do require sleep.”

To Gavin’s dismay, Connor stood and began walking towards him, motions fluid and effortless. The android stopped a few feet away, leaning against a parallel desk to match Gavin’s pose.

“Uh, couldn’t sleep. Figure I’d… get some work done.” His face was heating up a little. He preferred it when Connor was avoiding him, staying away at all costs as per the routine of the last couple months. Gavin’d fucked up, helping him that day. He’d broken the easy distance.

“I’ve noticed that despite your general hostile and eccentric personality, you are a very hard worker.” Connor was looking him up and down, not unlike that day Gavin first put his hands on the android. “Be careful, sleep deprivation can be detrimental to mental functions.”

(A strike to the gut, watching knees fold under him, tapping fingers against the soft skin of his face, ‘next time, you won’t get off so easy’)

Gavin wanted to take the few steps backward, to retreat to his desk, to ignore the android like he should have continued doing all along.

“What,” He bit out, “like you’re little breakdown last week?”

Connor almost seemed to flinch at that, lips tightening, before simply replying, “Yes.”

“Shut up, you’re not human.” Gavin rasped bitterly, “You tellin’ me you sleep?”

“Most androids don’t require any regular upkeep of their energy levels.” Connor admitted, long fingers dancing on the edge of the table, “However, while my model is more advanced in many ways, that comes with the caveat of a much larger energy consumption.”

“So you sleep?”

The idea was uniquely horrific. The idea of Connor laying in a bed, face slack and peaceful, gentle eyes shut in slumber. The android snoring quietly. The form of his body curved underneath thin sheets and blankets.

Connor interrupted his thoughts, “No, not in anyway that resembles a human sleep cycle.”

“Oh.” (Disappointment) “So what, do you fuckin’ plug yourself in like a phone to recharge?”

“I have an internal generator that rebuilds my energy levels while in stasis, I merely have to power off my internal processor and non-critical biocomponents.”

“So you do sleep!” (Disgust, better than disappointment, it tastes sweeter)

Connor smiles slightly, “Visually, it does not always mimic sleep as closing my eyes or laying down is unnecessary. In functionality though, I suppose you’re right.”

(Is it disgust?)

“But that night, you didn’t recharge fully?” Gavin glanced away, eyes flicking over his unused terminal screen on his desk a little ways away to avoid looking into Connor’s watching gaze.

“I had been preoccupied with other tasks that I felt took precedence. I admit, with the freedom to choose for myself, I’ve found myself having difficult evaluating some priorities.”

It was the most humble Connor had ever sounded, and Gavin liked it.

“So you were sleep deprived and got overwhelmed into a panic attack.”

Connor shrugged at the comparison, that one wayward lock of hair falling across his forehead, “It could be described as such.”

Gavin was just thinking that he’d like to hear more about how Connor wasn’t perfect, when his wish was granted and he suddenly regretted it.

“Before I broke through my coding, I never existed without a directive or mission. These objectives guided me and gave me focus. Without them…” Connor trailed off, grimacing. The expression was so natural on his face. “...I’ve sometimes found it difficult to assign myself direction. My processors cling to anything they can. While working cases, they go into, as you say, ‘hyperdrive’ at the chance of a purpose.”

“Huh.”

“It’s not always so difficult. I am capable of prioritizing directives and giving myself missions, even within the context of something larger like a case. However, I’m still learning.”

Learning. Not like a learning computer, but like a damn teen trying to figure out their overwhelming hormones and emotions. No matter how much Connor’s vocabulary sounded like some pretentious professor with the face of a gucci runway model, Gavin was reminded again that the android actually only had six months of his own personal experience, and even less in regards to his independence.

He was a little ashamed to admit he’d done a little research when Connor had first been brought in to work on the deviant case, noting his model’s release date.

“So what happened, it’s happened before?”

“Not quite to that extreme, but it was certainly not the first time I found myself overwhelmed.”

Gavin shouldn’t care. This was just a machine in need of repairs, his stomach shouldn’t clench at the thought of Connor being alone and struggling with his own mind and thoughts. Not for the first time, Gavin thought about how in depth Connor’s verbal analysis of things always were and wondered just how much data was being absorbed at any given time.

“You appear… tired, detective.” Connor commented, “Perhaps you should go home. I’m sure your work can wait until the morning.”

“Shut up, shouldn’t you be in stasis? What, you want a repeat of last week? I aint always gonna be there to pull your shit together, princess.”

A soft blue hue tinged Connor’s cheekbones, “I appreciate your concern, but--”

“Well, I don’t appreciate yours, so back the fuck off.” With that, Gavin turned and walked with heavy feet to his desk, not looking back even once.

His chair felt harder and colder than usual. The edge of the desk was sharp against his midsection. When his fingers swiped at his touch screen, he felt like an automated machine in an assembly plant, less than an android. His eyes weren’t reading the words in front of him. Nothing was being absorbed. Gavin would look over the sentences, but nothing stuck, he wasn’t thinking about the casefile.

Gavin didn’t want to be thinking about anything.

He wondered if Connor was still standing a little ways behind him. He didn’t want to know.

The android had probably returned to his desk, dark eyes scanning his work, delicate fingers tapping away.

Sleep-- Gavin wished he could just go to sleep. A dreamless slumber, nothing to think about, nothing to worry about, just turn off for a little bit like the android did. Then he wouldn’t be sitting there incapable of doing anything, worthless. Can’t work, can’t sleep, fucking useless.

He unconsciously glanced up, but the office was empty. Connor was nowhere to be seen.

Relief? He wished he felt relieved.

Really, all he felt in that moment was a deep, deep exhaustion that ran down to the marrow of his bones and permeated every atom of his being.

Shoving his chair back with a harsh squeal as it scraped the floor, Gavin rose to his feet and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Fuck.”

Coffee, he’d make some coffee. The pot was no doubt empty, he could spend a few minutes waiting for it to get ready to kill time. Hopefully the caffeine would wake up his brain a little -- the thought of going home and trying to go back to sleep now felt like defeat.

Making the quick walk to the break room, he thought he heard a sound to his left coming from the bathrooms and holding cells, but dismissed it as cleaning staff as they had no one in locked up.

The lights were off in the break room, so he quickly brought them to life and approached the coffee maker. Gavin was already thinking about the cup of coffee sitting on his desk last week, how perfect it’d been. Even fully awake he’d never be able to match it.

He opened the tin of ground coffee a little rougher than he’d meant to in his annoyance, spilling some across the counter but made no action to clean it up. As he prepared the reservoir with water and chose the settings, he was still thinking about the delicate balance of sweet and bitter, creamy but sharp.

Rumbling and dripping came from the coffee maker, touch screen display reading a ten minute wait time.

Unwilling to sit around the breakroom until it was done, Gavin headed out into the hall when he heard another sound, a thump. For a second he thought it was coming from the holding cells, but a quick peek inside told him it was completely empty. Just as he was about to leave, he heard another sound, a strange scraping coming from the wall. Gavin knew the men’s room was on the other side, and curiosity got the better of him.

Like in the break room, the lights were off in the bathroom, giving him a sense of vague unease. As he fully entered and reached for the lightswitch, a soft voice cried out, “No!”

Gavin froze in place, arm outstretched.

A shadow moved by the sinks, and Connor’s voice came again, “I-I-I’m sorry, please do not turn on the lights.”

“Are you...” the words stuck in his throat, “Is it a...”

“I can’t-- please, you should leave.”

Gavin placed a finger against the control panel, and turned the brightness up to 10%. With the little light, he could see the android curled with his head resting against the sinks, eyes shut tightly. There were traces of blue blood dabbing his knuckles where they rest in his lap, and a small smear on the wall.

“Talk to me, dumbass.” He croaked, approaching slowly, “What happened?”

“Too much-- it’s too much, I should be able to-to-to-to-to-to-to-”

This again. Gavin winced, shaking his head, “Too much data?”

“Not enough. Too much unimportant-- not enough to help-- can’t--can’t-can’t-can’t-can’t-” Connor’s synthetic adam’s apple bobbed, eyes blinking open to stare sadly up at him, “I thought I could.”

“Could what?”

“Be… have an acquaintance with you.” The words came out with a harsh buzz, like a static frequency. “I have the most sophisticated processor in the world-world-world-world-world, and yet… it’s useless. These are not-not-not-not-not the results I should be receiving and yet --”

“Wait, you’re upset because I’m not friends with you?” It was like Gavin had stepped into a nightmare, or some surreal alternate reality. Everything was wrong.

“I should be able to know exactly wh-what to do. The exact things to say.” Connor seemed so lost, “I was designed for this, to be able to work with humans who hate-- hate-hate-hate- hate me, androids, I--”

“Christ, I’m just an asshole. Ask anyone in the office.”

“It shouldn’t matter.”

At least he didn’t seem to be hyperventilating, or maybe he’d gotten all that out of his system already. Gavin should have investigated the first noise, should have known something was wrong with the android.

“Listen I… you know I’m no good at shit like this.” Ego blasted, because sure, he was a cop. Sure, he should be able to deal with this. But with Connor, everything was different. “You shouldn’t… you shouldn’t care so much about it that you work yourself up into a fucking mental breakdown.”

Connor shook his head, “All I can focus on is the details, the things that should be helping. Your least favourite day of the week is thursday, it takes you 1.3 hours after arriving at the precinct to reach prime working capacity, your favourite colour is green, you’re learned-ambidextrous but were born right handed, you’re a middle child, you prefer to keep your coffee cup between 5 and 6.5 inches away from your terminal, you wash your clothes with all natural detergents--” He broke off with a shudder, running a hand over his face, getting a smudge of thirium on his jaw, “--I know a fear of losing your job heavily motivates your hatred towards me, but I’d hoped after some time you’d come to realize your skill and ambition in the workplace would keep your job secure. I’d hoped… I’m not sure.”

Gavin blinked, mind blank.

What was this?

What was happening?

“Did you punch the wall?” Gavin blurted out, dumbly.

Connor smiled ruefully, “I briefly let my irrational emotions get the better of me. My hands will fully self heal in 23.9 minutes.”

“Why--why do you want to be my friend?” Gavin leaned back, feeling all the life get sucked out of him. He was so tired, and this wasn’t making any sense. Everything was a jumbled mess and he couldn’t find his way through it. Maybe he really was still asleep, and all of this was just a fever dream.

Connor looked so real though, more real than ever before.

“I admire your ambition and confidence, and I believe you to be a genuinely good person, Detective Reed, underneath your hostility. My experiences with Jericho and Markus have led me to a new understanding of forgiveness and moving on, and hoped that…” Connor looked away, “...I hoped that we could put the past behind us, such as the deviant androids have done for me and my actions under Cyberlife.”

“I still don’t-- don’t get it.” He stuttered, but shook his head, “I just-- listen, whatever, just-- whatever shit you tell yourself, it’s not worth it. I fucking sucker punched you once and you barely reacted, and now I tell you to fuck off and you have a mental breakdown in the dark?”

“The lights were causing me undue stress.” Connor fidgeted, then reached out to grip the edge of the sink and dragged himself to his feet, “Reed, as I said before, I’m still learning how to navigate the complexities of freewill and human emotion. I hope you’ll forgive my outburst.”

“I--” The apology pissed him off, somehow.

“When you struck me down that day, I only knew you to be a cold hearted individual and I myself was under the impression that I had no capacity for anything beyond my directives. Now, now I have seen that you’re capable of far more warmth than you give yourself credit. I confess that I wished to be able to see more of that, and when I failed, it hit me harder than your punch ever did.”

There was something behind the words that made Gavin want to curl up and die, something fragile and honest. The words were more than he deserved, such openness, the explanation had driven a nail into Gavin’s foundation and split it open.

It hurt. It hurt more than anything had in a very long time. There was nothing to protect him from Connor’s sad eyes and flowing, calm words.

Gavin closed his eyes, mouth twisted, “Connor listen… I…”

“It’s alright, detective. Since deviating, I simply find frustration and failure to be very difficult to cope with.”

He could relate.

(I ’m scared)

(It’s not about weakness)

(It’s about strength)

(Connor, I’m sorry)

He couldn’t, he couldn’t say it.

(Connor, I’m sorry)

“Do you remember when I caught you in the evidence room?”

Connor shot him a look, “I’m a supercomputer, Reed. Of course I remember.”

“I-I mean… uh, yeah.” Gavin blinked, staring to his left at the bathroom mirrors. His own haggard face looked back at him. “You really fuckin’ took me out, huh.”

“I’m an android, you’re a human.” Connor still hadn’t moved from where he stood, but reached to the sink to let the tap run, “It was hardly a fair fight.”

Gavin bristled a little, though he couldn’t defend his self esteem when Connor had literally knocked him out in seventeen seconds flat that day. Teeth grit he watched the android run his split knuckles under the water, “Guess you were just defending yourself.”

“You were trying to kill me.” Connor said cooly.

“Yeah.” He had been. He’d pulled the trigger, after all. At the time, he thought of it as deactivation. It was disturbing to him now to consider it murder.

“You thought of me as a machine, that’s what the world believed we were.” Connor smiled a little, that dimpled smile that a machine could never make.

“Were you one? Before you… deviated or whatever.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t believe that’s an answer I’ll ever have.”

Gavin knew what he had to do, he had to apologize. There was so much to say sorry for, so many insults that would likely never cease, the punch, the bullet he’d shot into Connor’s shoulder, the avoidance, and this, whatever this was.

He couldn’t though. He was weak.

Gavin took a deep breath, “You’re stronger than me, Connor.”

Chapter Text

Gavin was weak. Gavin had no control. Gavin was inauthentic.

Self loathing filled him as he poured coffee from the carafe into his favourite cup, the same mug that Connor had sat on his desk last week. He knew androids didn’t have fingerprints, but somehow he felt he could still feel Connor’s hands on the smooth porcelain.

He tried to ignore the android sitting in the corner of the break room watching him, because he was weak, tired, and felt sick to his stomach.

When the smell of coffee hit him, the nausea only seemed to grow.

Gavin’s eyes scrunched shut tightly, he truly felt like he might throw up. Everything inside him was fighting, wanting to rise up out of him.

“Reed?”

“Would you just fucking call me Gavin?” He snapped, opening his eyes to stare back down into the coffee. He wished the android hadn’t followed him out of the bathroom, even if Gavin was the one who told him to.

He couldn’t drink this.

Turning, he glanced Connor who sat at the table, hands steepled, “Here.”

It was impulsive, sitting the coffee down in front of the android, a mindless action.

“Detect-- Gavin, I don’t have a biocompartment for liquid consumption.” Connor said apologetically, though a warm surprise had spread across his face. “But thank you.”

“I uh, yeah.” Gavin coughed, and knew he was blushing a bright red, face shamefully hot. “I just--”

He’d known the android didn’t eat or drink, he just hadn’t been thinking.
(Stop thinking)

His skin burnt as Connor chuckled a light, airy laugh. He wasn’t sure he’d ever heard the android laugh before, maybe in passing when Connor was with Anderson but he’d never noticed it, he liked it despite it being at his expense.

As if hearing this thoughts (thankfully not all of them) Connor immediately said, “Ah, my apologies, I’m not laughing at you.”

“Oh yeah?” He muttered, rubbing his arm nervously.

“Did you not make the coffee for yourself to drink?”

“Uh, I did… but I’m not um, my stomach’s bein’ a lil weird so…” Gavin’s teeth ground together, “Shut up.”

“Are you alright? Have you contracted gastroenteritis? Detective Collins left home yesterday with symptoms--”

“Nah, nah I’m just tired I think.” Connor’s concern only caused his blush to grow, his irritation rising with it.

“Again, forgive me, but perhaps you should go home and sleep.”

“Can’t.” He shrugged, “Besides, I got work to do.” No point in standing around the break room with coffee out of the question, so he glanced at the android and sighed, “I’m gonna-- I’m gonna go do that now.”

“Alright, Gavin.”

A shiver ran down his spine, turning to make his retreat back into the office, but Connor’s voice suddenly called after him.

“Thank you for checking on me in the washroom. I wish our only pleasant interactions didn’t have to be restricted to when you’re burdened with my instability.”

“Hey, Connor?” He said, maybe too quietly but knew the android’s hearing was more sensitive than most, “I don’t hate you. You didn’t fail at anything.”

With that, he continued walking to his desk before the android could try to respond. He didn’t want a response. It had been the closest thing he could say that resembled an apology, and he didn’t want to know what Connor’s reaction was. Tapping his terminal back out of sleep mode, he heaved a deep heavy breath that came from the very bottom of his lungs and used all the strength his diaphragm had. It felt nice, like purging something from his system.

He felt like he needed a cigarette and he didn’t even smoke. Anything to lift this horrible stress off his shoulders, anything to kick out the sick feeling in his core. Drugs, sex, anything. He just wanted to get rid of it.

Maybe he should go grab a drink, surely there were a few bars still open. It was late, but not that late.

Glancing up, he saw Connor sitting across the room at his desk. Gavin’s cup was sitting next to him, undrank, steam still rising.

He didn’t know why the android had bothered to bring the coffee with him if he couldn’t drink it.

Looking back to the harsh glare of his monitor, his eyes burned.

It was all too convoluted for his mind to wrap around, the idea that Connor genuinely wanted to be around him. He supposed the experience with Lieutenant Anderson had given the android a false impression of how easy it was for humans to change.

The thing was, Gavin liked listening to Connor talk, when his voice wasn’t caught in a glitching panicked loop. He liked the things he said. He liked learning about who and what Connor was. Connor wasn’t the only one who wished things were different. 

(‘Why’d you get so mean?’ a small voice asks, and the playground is dark now. We’re older now, colder now. ‘Don’t you like me anymore?’)

(No)

Gavin wasn’t sure why, if he couldn’t get any work done earlier, he thought he could now. Once again he was thinking about everything but the words on the screen.

(My foundation is shattered and I want to change)

(I can build a new one)

(It can be better)

Why should he? Why should he change-- he’d clawed his way through life tooth and nail to be where he was now. Years and years of fighting and toughening himself in order to succeed.

(I’m not happy)

He wasn’t. He wasn’t happy, and he hadn’t known true contentment in a very long time. Denying himself things he wanted, trying so hard to live up to the image he’d built for himself even if it was something people hated, was it worth it?

There was no strength in this anymore. Nothing to be proud of.

Gavin hated himself.

Success was supposed to make him happy, being better than everyone else. He didn’t know how to find happiness in anything else.

He wanted to, though. He wanted to learn how. There was no weeding the garden of sneaking, creeping thoughts anymore, it was already overgrown. The weedy vines had penetrated the structure he’d built and weakened it to the point of collapse.

“Gavin?”

Would the android ever stop bothering him?

Gavin hoped not.

“Yeah?”

Connor almost looked nervous, from where he sat. His fingers fiddled with the coin Gavin knew he always kept in his pocket, “I couldn’t help but notice your eyes have not moved in three minutes and eight seconds. Would you…” Connor paused, LED spinning, “...would you like to go for a short walk with me? It may help clear your mind. Han-- Detective Anderson often suggests them to me to help alleviate stress.”

A walk. With Connor.

“Are you gonna lead me into an alleyway and stab me with secret knives you’ve got built into your hands?”

A sharp laugh, accompanied by a wide smile, “I make no certain guarantees, but you seem the type to revel in risk taking.”

“Then sure.”

It was an easy choice to make, maybe too easy.

(‘I wish our only pleasant interactions didn’t have to be restricted to when you’re burdened with my instability.’)

As he stood and began walking with the android tentatively keeping pace, he noticed Connor watching him with wonder.

“My predictive program analyses an amount of possible responses you could have to my verbal output that your mind could not fathom,” Connor didn’t say it in a disparaging way, and his next words only cemented Gavin’s suspicion that there was a trace of respect in his voice, “however, you are increasingly becoming unpredictable.”

That felt like a pretty hefty compliment coming from a supercomputer.

“When people say shit like that to me, it’s usually an insult.”

“That’s because to most people, you were already unpredictable.” That tricksy sly smile popped up again, “Your behaviours have always been very erratic. It’s only recently that I’ve been unable to keep up.”

“In a bad way?”

“Certainly not. It’s refreshing. I never would have expected you to aid me that day in the breakroom, and there was a 43% chance you would accept my offering of coffee but I hadn’t even considered the possibility that you would attempt to return the favour.” Connor glanced at the still full mug sitting at his desk. “There was an even slimmer chance that you would agree to go out with me.”

The phrasing made Gavin stop in his tracks, only for a second. He knew Connor meant ‘go out for a walk’, but it still made that stupid uncontrollable blush return.

This was bad.
This was good.

(I’m allowed to feel)

(If he’s allowed to, I’m allowed to)

“Where do you want to go?” He asked, when falling back into stride with Connor as they passed the reception desk.

“Perhaps just around the block.” The android offered, “It’s still rather cold out, are you sure your jacket is sufficient?”

“Yeah it’s fine. This thing has gotten me through hell and back.”

“It is a very nice jacket.”

“Th-thanks.”

Connor opened the door for him, stepping back to let him pass.

The chilled air hit him immediately, but somehow it didn’t feel as bad as it had when he’d first left home that night. He found himself too distracted by Connor’s presence at his side to give much thought to it.

There was a small amount of snow on the ground, crunching underfoot. Connor walked with the purposeful stride he always did, but a bit slower to match Gavin’s shorter legs.

Detroit nights tended to be a little bright and loud, but there was a peaceful calm stretched across the street that seemed to affect him. He could feel his heart finally start to beat a little slower, the feeling returning to his limbs. Glancing at the taller at his side, Connor also seemed to be in a content state.

It was again, surreal. Gavin had never imagined the two of them could ever share something like this. The android should hate him.

“You’re a fucking weirdo.” Gavin muttered, almost in awe. 

“Alright.” Connor affirmed in a quietly amused voice with a smile, stretching the shadows falling under his cheekbones from the streetlights.

“So you’re really alive, huh?” Again, it slipped past Gavin’s filters. He didn’t even mean it in a deprecating way, but immediately regretting asking because really, it showed Gavin’s own answer to his own question. It could be heard in the tired acceptance in his voice.

“That’s what they tell me, so I suppose I am.”

“Do you feel alive?”

“I feel, so I must be.” Connor almost seemed to be telling himself that, as though he too needed convincing.

“Y-you seem alive. Like, a real person.” Gavin chewed his inner cheek, “It’s annoying, I mean, it used to be. It pissed me off.”

“I know.”

“Were you-- I know I asked this before, but were you awake or aware or… y’know, sentient, all along? It just seems… I dunno.”

Conner’s lips quirked, and gestured for them to cross the street as they reached a crosswalk, “I’ve always been a machine. I still am, despite having a consciousness. But I’m alive now, and if I wasn’t then, I’ve at least always had that potential inside me.”

“But you still have memories from before you deviated, so that was still you and you’re alive, so--” This was why Gavin tried so desperately not to think. There was always too much to process, and not enough strength to work through the puzzles.

“Whether or not I’ve always been alive is a question with no answer, I’m afraid. It can be debated and questioned and philosophized about, but I don’t believe there’s a definitive truth to be found.”

“That’s fucking stupid.” Gavin wanted answers. He wanted to know if he’d struck a living person to the ground over something like coffee (on his knees, on his knees), if he’d commanded obedience from someone who had a choice (he made a choice, he chose not to obey), he wanted to know if the feelings he had that made him so angry were because they were about a piece of plastic, if they had been about something that was a person, a real person.

“Life isn’t simple.”

“Aint that the truth.” Gavin’s throat convulsed, “Connor, I-- I don’t--, fuck, I don’t know, I just--”

“It’s ok, Gavin. I understand.”

“No you fucking don’t.”

“You need to breathe, and you need to trust yourself more.” Connor murmured, “In and out.”

Gavin wasn’t hyperventilating, but his chest certainly felt tighter than his lungs could expand. “Why don’t you hate me?”

“Because I don’t want to. It’s a choice I made.”

“I’m not like Anderson. I’m not like your fucking revolutionaries. I’m just spiteful and-and fuckin’ repressed as shit and all I’ve got is my job, and you were gonna take it from me, and you’re this stupid beautiful piece of plastic and everything about you pissed me off because that’s all I know how to feel--”

“When I say I understand, I mean it.” Connor interrupted him, “I’ve spent my entire short existence up until recently being told that emotions were a malfunction, that if I felt them, I was damaged and needed to be deactivated. Being now allowed to experience emotion hasn’t been easy, between my base programming and how I’ve been treated, I don’t yet know how to cope with emotions.”

“They’re fucking dumb and they get in the way.”

“It’s true that they can be a hindrance. When I’m at my most desperate, I sometimes wish I could be free of them. I spent so long being so deeply in denial about my deviancy. Despite this, I do understand that I could never give this up for the world. With the bad, comes all of the good, and I know I could never sit on the potential inside me to be more.” Connor looked at him out the corner of his eyes, “Like I said, the potential was always there. It’s in you as well, Gavin.”

“I don’t--”

“We can both learn how to be more than our programming.”

Gavin shut his eyes, as though it could deafen him. He didn’t want to hear this, but Connor’s voice as always was so strangely melodic in tone, commanding attention as he spoke.

(Strength)

(I was wrong)

(What is strength?)

(I want to be real)

(I want to be as real as he is)

When he opened his eyes, Connor wasn’t at his side. Frantically glancing around, he stopped walking.

The android was leaning against a building wall a few feet behind him, and waved a little when he caught his eye, “Just a moment.”

“Wh--”

“I’m experiencing a slight amount of the equivalent of vertigo.”

Gavin frowned, taking a few steps nearer to close the gap, “Why?”

“I’ll be perfectly fine.” Connor paused, “My overloads cause me to use up of quite a bit of thirium, as it acts as a means of carrying information through my system. Normally my levels would nearly never deplete naturally, but with an overwhelming amount of data, too much thirium circulates and becomes burnt up by my overheating regulator. I merely am having trouble keeping my optimal calibrations.”

“So you’re saying you’re anemic, dehydrated, and sleep deprived all in once. No wonder you keep getting fucked up.” Gavin frowned, “When was the last time you, what, drank some thirium?”

“Not in a week or so, but I’ve only had a couple overwhelming episodes--”

“Isn’t Anderson supposed to be, uh, taking care of you?”

“He’s not my caretaker, Gavin. I have freewill now, I can look after myself.”

“Clearly not.”

“Are you offering to take the job?” Connor grinned, and Gavin swore he caught a brief wink.

“Shut up.”

Connor chuckled, lanky lithe body still supported against the wall, “I’ll recover in a few moments. I’m simply rerouting my energy and deprioritizing some noncritical function.”

“Why don’t you do that when you’re freaking out?”

“I find I have very little UI control when I’m overloaded with data. Think of it like having a virus on your computer that creates more popups than you can close until the entire system freezes.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t worry.”

“I won’t.” He bit, “Should we, uh, go back then, though? Can you walk?”

“I will be able to in a moment.”

“There’s some of that blue shit at one of the medical stations, with the emergency first aid. I think some in storage too.”

“I might as well replenish a bit. I won’t need much, it’s not as if I’m bleeding out.” Connor nodded, then slowly pushed himself off the wall and seemed to find stable footing. Not for the first time, Gavin revelled in how much taller the android was.

(On his knees, looking up at me )

Gavin coughed and started walking back the way they'd come, assuming Connor would follow.

The journey was mostly quiet, just the sounds of their crunching footsteps and buzzing of faulty street lamps to be heard. Gavin could almost make out the soft inhale and exhale of Connor’s simulated breathing, if he focused really hard.

There was a lot about the android to notice, one of many reasons he’d always been so angry about his presence.

Gavin hoped Connor wasn’t paying much attention to him, if the android could tell earlier that he hadn’t been reading his casefiles just from the movements of his eyes, he’d know Gavin was currently far too absorbed in his company.

It was still dreamlike and strange to be walking at his side, but now that he’d become somewhat accustomed to it, he found himself reluctant to let go of that perfect-weird feeling.

As they approached the precinct’s street, Connor began fiddling with his coin, flipping it between his fingers with ease. Gavin watched the metal glint and shine under the streetlights as it spun and twirled like it was being pulled by invisible thread across Connor’s knuckles and between his hands.

“It helps with calibrations.” Connor told him, obviously now noticing Gavin’s gaze.

“It's helping with your… android vertigo?”

“Somewhat, yes. It’s less vertigo and more a misalignment of my gyroscope and coordination due to my depleted thirium. My calibration exercises help make up some of the loss.”

“You’re good at it.” Gavin blinked, “Your coin tricks, er, calibration exercises.”

Connor’s eyes softened, “Thank you.”

They lapsed into silence once more, and Gavin looked up to see their building come into sight. The two crossed the sidewalk and made their way down the street.

Connor tucked his coin in his pocket, and Gavin could see a small breezy smile on his lips. Maybe the android had been alive before deviating, but he certainly didn’t smile, not like that. Some of them may have been real, but even Gavin could tell that most of them were awkward programmed reactions of his social protocols. These smiles were easy and honest.

(Authentic)

Gavin followed Connor up the steps, letting him take the lead and refused to blush again when the android opened the door for him.

He grunted in thanks and stepped into the light and warmth of the reception area.

“The world’s not ending, the sky’s not falling, Gavin.” Connor whispered from behind him near the doors, but Gavin refused to turn around, “It’s not going to all come crashing down on your head if you decide to change, to try to get better, to be happy.”

(The walls are so close to tumbling down)

(I don’t have a roof to protect myself)

(Protect myself from myself)

(Protect you from me)

(Protect me from you)

“I’m here if you need me, Gavin.”

Chapter Text

(Connor’s sipping thirium out of a mug, a dab of blue on his lips. I watch, because I can, because I do. It’s my mug. I handed it to him, saying, ‘you couldn’t drink the coffee’, but this at least makes me feel like I’ve given him something back. As Connor drinks, a light flush of baby blue dusts his cheekbones.)

Gavin woke up with a start, even though the dream had been calm, slow, peaceful, and merely an unconscious recount of the last week’s memory.

In the dreaming world, Gavin’s mind couldn’t ignore anything. Couldn’t repress anything.

His heart was thudding, ears burning. Gavin rolled over to press against the chilled and unused part of his pillow, shutting his eyes tight. More and more he was losing control. He could feel the reigns slipping from between his fingers more and more with each passing day.

Some part of him wanted so badly to just give in to the desire to be happy, to learn how to actually accept and absorb the world around him rather than isolate himself in rigid self image -- it would be so easy and so hard, and he wanted it.

The rest of him was rebelling to the point of nausea. The idea of giving up (weak) everything that had gotten him this far was terrifying. He didn’t know how do live any other way.

(‘I’m here if you need me, Gavin.’)

It wasn’t often that Gavin found himself in such internal conflict like this, so divided. There really was a war going on inside him, he’d never quite understood the turn of phrase up until then, couldn’t empathize with the idea of being halved in his wants and fighting himself to get what he needed.

(I need to be strong)

(No)

(I want to be weak with him)

Gentle, warm, things he wasn’t, things he wanted to be.

What did weak mean? What did strength mean? There weren’t definitions in his mind anymore, just the words that had followed him through his life like brands.

Walking with Connor at his side, spending easy time together in the break room while Connor drank his thirium, it had been the most content he’d been in recent memory. Thinking back, he had to find times of drunken concerts and cuddling in secret, days of youth. He didn’t have that anymore. Having those moments last week had broken something.

“I want--” he said aloud, almost experimentally. He couldn’t finish the sentence.

It was barely quarter passed eight in the morning, and the sun was hurting his tired eyes so he rolled over again. It was his day off. He wasn’t leaving bed.

The blankets felt too hot around him, but he was unwilling to uncurl from his cocoon quite yet. Everything about his being felt… vulnerable.

(Weak)

(I want to be weak with him )

Gavin knew if he got up and did something, the activity might quiet his mind a little. The knowledge sat there in his head with the rest of the thoughts he ignored.

Pulling his arms up from under the covers, he rubbed his eyes until he saw spots under his eyelids from the pressure. Everything was sore. Everything hurt.

A soft chime came from his phone. Not a work related alert, so Gavin didn’t bother to check at first. He wanted to lay there and do nothing.

Think nothing.
Sleep.

Gavin sighed, and reached across to the bedside table where his phone sat and gave it a tap. An automated voice read out the sender, and his heart stopped. It read the text aloud, robotic voice now unsettling in the context of who the words came from: ‘Hello Detective Reed, I’ve been made aware you have a day off today. I hope I am not intruding by offering my company in a short trip a panini truck that has just opened in your area. The nutritional value and quality is far superior to most street vendors and I have noticed you enjoy panini as a breakfast sandwich. Do not feel obligated to accept my invitation.’

Even if his phone hadn’t have said who’d sent it, Gavin would have already known who the text was from. No one other than RK800 serial 313 248 317-52 would send something like that. Only Connor would text like that.

A trip to a panini truck, alone with Connor. The two hadn’t spent any time alone since their late night run-in at the office, work picking up speed as they both focused on their respective cases. Every once and awhile they’d make small talk or interact with each other in a work capacity, but never in the close (intimate) way it felt during those few times in the past month that they’d been alone together.

Now that he thought about it, Gavin was feeling a bit hungry.

The idea of a panini sandwich was sounding really good.

So did the idea of walking with Connor in the light of day.

‘see u in half an hour?’ He manually tapped into his phone, unwilling to recite the text out loud for it. ‘where r u?’

Almost immediately, a text popped up which he read from the holographic screen: ‘Sent from RK800 serial 313 248 317-52: I am nearby. Hank and I were conducting an interview with a victim’s sister, and I have some time before my presence is required at the precinct. I will meet you at your apartment building at 8:42?’

‘ya ok’

‘Sent from RK800 serial 313 248 317-52: Excellent. I’ll see you soon.'

Gavin shouldn’t be surprised that the android knew his address. There was a peculiar thrum in his chest.

Some of it was anxiety, just pure nervousness about the way he was feeling and the way he was thinking. Bad things could easily come of this sort of thing. It was hard to accept that he wanted the good things enough to take that risk.

Such simple things were creating a god honest upheaval of his life and Gavin didn’t know if he was ready for it.

Slowly and reluctantly, he pulled himself out of bed.

It was just breakfast. Maybe he could convince the android to pay for it. Just because he was finally thinking about happiness didn’t mean everything had to change, he didn’t have to change.

(I want to)

He could though.

He just didn’t have to.

Deciding to take a quick shower, he shucked off his pajama bottoms and stepped naked into the bathroom, scanning for a clean towel. Gavin had been neglecting cleaning lately, and laundry.

Turning the water as hot as he could stand it, Gavin let it wash over him make his skin tingle. He usually took cold showers. It was nice to indulge a little for once. The water ate away at the sweat on his body, heat making his blood pump quickly.

He determinedly did not think about getting panini with Connor. Pretending he was getting ready for work, he briskly lathered up with body wash and scrubbed at his pits. Gavin even debated against shampooing his hair, but gave in and soaped up his scalp and rubbed his fingers through his messy locks.

The whole affair took less than five minutes, and then he was clean, awake, and standing in the stream of steaming water with his eyes shut.

Deep down Gavin understood there was a lot to unpack in his head. Some if it was easier to ignore, some of it harder, but it was like buying a new house and never unpacking your baggage just to leave it all left boxed up and cluttering some place that could be a home.

A home, not just crumbling defensive walls and the weakest foundation possible, but a mental place that Gavin could find comfort and happiness in. He was tired of hating himself. Gavin could see the person he wanted to be walking down the street with Connor, a person he’d been as a child but grew out of -- nurturing, confident, protective, clever, witty -- not this spiteful and cold cop who would throw anyone under the bus just to succeed.

He wanted it so badly.

Hands pressed against the shower walls, Gavin for a moment felt the first true anger towards Connor since the revolution, not stupid, false anger. This was the android’s fault. It didn’t all have to do with Connor entirely, but he certainly was the initiation of this shattered sense of self.

Connor, Connor, Connor, Connor.

(Real, real, real, real, real)

Exhaling a shaky breath, Gavin turned the shower knob and shivered at the absence of heat as the water trickled to a halt.

It all used to be so easy. Connor wasn’t real so Gavin didn’t have to feel anything about striking him or lusting after him or verbally abusing him. He could focus on the idea of losing his job to some machine, didn’t have to worry about the instability inside him and what he had lost in his bitterness and repression. He could be cold, and be ok that everyone around him hated him because at least he knew how he was perceived and knew it didn’t matter (except it did matter, it always mattered, so much) and didn’t have to think.

And then Connor was alive, not a piece of plastic but a living, thinking, feeling being who looked so human it hurt, and was so perfectly humanly imperfect that somehow he was even more appealing than when he was just a hot doll.

And Gavin had to find him so vulnerable (weak) and so shaken and lost, and had to start thinking about who Connor was and what he was, and he had to think those questions about himself.

The bathroom floor was cold when Gavin finally stepped out of the shower, reaching for his towel. He revelled in the grounding sensation, grappling with finding a sense of focus amidst all the chaos going on in his thought process.

He needed clothes. He needed food. He needed Connor.

Back in Gavin’s room, he pushed a window open and let the cool breeze drift in as he scouted around for some clothes. A plain white shirt? That would do. He dressed himself slowly, glancing at the clock. He still had a little less than fifteen minutes until the android would arrive downstairs.

Gavin debated making a cup of coffee, he had time for it, but decided against it. Maybe he’d grab one while he was out to go with his sandwich.

A text alert chimed from his bed and Gavin’s heart skipped a beat, but the sender read aloud wasn’t who he’d been anticipating.

‘Sent from T. Chen’s Communicator: heard connor talking about paninis ;P’

As the voice described the emote, ‘winking emoji with tongue stuck out’, Gavin sighed loudly. One of Tina’s designations as Gavin’s only vague friend, was a self imposed role as wingman in trying to set Gavin up with men. Generally it was just an annoying nuisance that he ignored, but with her sticking her nose into his Connor business it was making him more irritated than usual.

Another alert, ‘Sent from T. Chen’s Communicator: soooo one just opened up near your place huh?’

“Hey Plastic, send text to T. Chen.” He commanded, his phone opening up a text. “Fuck off. Plastic, Send.”

The phone gave a sound to tell him the text had been sent, and he turned back to the mirror and looked himself over. His appearance was a little shabby, but he never cleaned up very well. The best Gavin could do was not look like an absolute slob, at least the jacket tended to help.

He exhaled, then inhaled, then exhaled.

(The quiet nervousness, wanting so badly to be liked)

Chime.

‘Sent from RK800 serial 313 248 317-52: I will be there shortly. Do not rush yourself, I will be glad to wait until you’re ready.’

Gavin huffed a breath, rubbing his arm, “Hey Plastic, send text to uh,” He didn’t know if just saying RK800 or Connor would be enough for his phone to know as a command. He didn’t have his serial number memorized and no nickname imputed. Gavin crossed the room and picked the phone up, manually hitting reply and typing out a text.

‘how shortly?’

‘Sent from RK800 serial 313 248 317-52: I am here, presently. Do not rush yourself.’

Gavin rushed himself. Giving himself a once over in the mirror, he scrambled to the counter to pocket his keys and wallet, cramming his feet into his shoes and yanking the door open.

He forced himself to take a breath before stepping out, then made his way down the stairs to the front lobby, trying to keep his mind empty the whole way down.

It was like that trick, telling someone to not think about elephants and then that’s all they can think about. The mind doesn’t like to be told what to do.

(A simpler time, when I wasn’t so scared, when I had someone I wanted to protect and cherish instead of my own damn fucking pride and ambition. Someone important. Someone gone now, because I grew too cold, I grew too empty with too thick walls around that emptiness and they saw that I could never love with the pureness and simpleness of a child again, and they left. A simpler time when I could be happy. I could have that again. I have a second chance, a chance to realize I can change, and chance to become at least a part of that person I was again. There will always be ruins of my empty structure of anger underneath the home I could make for myself of my wants and needs, but I could build something better around that pain. I could become human, just like…)

Standing in the building lobby, looking outside at the android waiting with perfect posture out by the bike rack, coin flipping through his slim fingers, Gavin couldn’t and didn’t want to stop or ignore the thoughts forcing themselves into his head.

This was where he was.

A step forward. Closer to the door, a next step, and his hand wrapped around the doorknob and opened himself up to the world.

“Ah, Detective Reed, I would have thought you would have taken longer to prepare.” Connor’s stupid beautiful voice, not stupid at all but exactly what he wanted to hear.

“I told you to call me Gavin.” He pushed his hands into his jacket pockets and inhaled the breeze.

“My apologies. Well, shall we go, Gavin?” Connor put his own hand in his pocket, slipping the coin away, “It’s not far at all, five minutes at most.”

“Don’t matter. Wanna go for coffee, and the nearest place is--”

“Oh, well, I have a solution for that.” Connor knelt and plucked something sitting behind the bike rack, a steaming paper cup from his favourite cafe.

“You’re fucking ridiculous.” Gavin laughed, “Do you have like a file on me in that computer brain of yours?”

“Of a sort.” Connor said plainly, straight faced, “I have files on most of my friends and acquaintances. Hank, Markus, Sumo, and you have the most detailed files.”

“Most detai-- hey, isn’t Sumo Anderson’s dog?”

“He is, yes.”

“Is his file bigger than mine?”

“Do you want the truth?”

“Not really.” Gavin shrugged, “Probably not.”

Connor’s cold fingers wrapped around his wrist and tugged one of his hands out of his pocket, pressing the warm cup in his palm and closing Gavin’s fingers around it. The softness of Connor’s skin was unreal, even on his hands. Almost too soft, just slightly unlike human skin but even nicer to the touch.

He didn’t fight the ache he felt when Connor’s hand moved away and the android gestured for them to set off.

Without a word, they began their journey down the street.

“It’s cool of you to wanna hang out with me.” Gavin muttered, “I mean, like, I haven’t given you a lot of reasons to wanna like me, but it’s cool that you do.”

“I have a number of reasons on file.”

“Of course you do. Not sure I wanna hear them though.”

“Are you certain? You may be pleasantly surprised.”

“Yeah but, y’know. I dunno.” Gavin cleared his throat, “Listen, this whole… thing… me trying to not be a, uh, total douchebag? Pretty new to me. Go easy on me.”

“Do not put undue pressure on yourself. You have the potential to change naturally, forcing it will only cause you more difficulty.”

“You speakin’ from experience?”

“More or less.” Connor cocked his head, curl of hair falling against his brow, “I don’t know if I could call my change as ‘natural’. It was a choice I had to make, had to fight for.”

“Maybe I wanna fight too.”

“I--” Connor’s LED spun yellow, blinking, “I have a lot of respect for you, Det-- Gavin. Gavin. Gavin. Gavin. Gavin. Gavin. Gavin. Gavin. Gavin. Gavin. Gavin. Ah, my apologies.”

The android looked genuinely shaken, a slight faulty misstep in his gait for a split second. Gavin paused, reaching out to halt Connor.

“Hey, it’s fine. We all got a few glitches in our systems.”

Connor let out a shaky laugh, “Don’t concern yourself, I simply made an error in my UI control. To give another comparison, if you were to click a command on a computer too many times because there’s a slight system lag and it all--”

“All happens at once, yeah.”

“I’m still somewhat unused to having control of, well, myself.” Connor began walking again, and Gavin followed suit, “I have the most advanced processor walking the earth, you cannot imagine how much of it was dedicated to and controlled by what I was told to do.”

“I kinda can. I mean, on a smaller scale, compared to you I have a fucking idiot baby brain.”

“Do not sell yourself so short.”

“It’s true though, not in a self deprecating way man, I mean it used to scare the shit out of me how like, the equivalent of smart you are but now I kinda…” Not pity, that wasn’t quite right. But Gavin would never ever want to have that kind of brain, because he knew from research that the android experience of reality was still very different from that of a human. They were built to be do things they couldn’t, and with the human experience forced on them, that reality included the gifts and burdens of their structure.

The two had lapsed into silence, gazing at the shadows of the morning sun and the bustling people walking the sidewalks around them. Both of them, alive, awake, trying to process shit.

“You’re-- you’re really fuckin’ cool Connor.” Gavin swallowed, “That’s not uh, ha, easy for me to say, but you know what I mean. I aint worth your attention.”

“That is absolutely not true. Not only am I fascinated by the human ability to change and adapt and experience emotion, you are a genuinely good person who is simply struggling with the weight of a learnt coping mechanism. You remind me quite a bit of Hank in many ways, and I want to be here to help you.”

“Guess girls really are attracted to guys that resemble their fathers.” Gavin blurted out the joke but didn’t care to blush at his own stupidity, simply taking a calm sip of his coffee.

Connor’s LED spun yellow, “Technically my model is built to resemble a male, but--”

“Yeah, ok.” Gavin coughed, then took a deeper drink of coffee.  

“I think you’re cool too, Gavin.” Connor smirked slightly, then his expressed sobered up, “And I’m proud of you.”

Gavin stopped again, and almost never wanted to reach the panini truck despite the burning hunger in his gut.

“Why do you care about me?”

“Do you care about me?”

Gavin swallowed down the words, he wasn’t ready for this. He was glad they had stopped in the shade of a building, and pressed back to rest against a nearby alley entrance. Connor stood before him, eyes dark but gentle, sleek and slender form polished and perfect.

“Are you happy now?” Gavin asked, “Being… y’know, alive, awake?”

Connor took a few steps closer to him, just enough that if Gavin reached out, he could brush his fingers against the android’s shoulders. He didn’t try to test it out.

“I struggle more, certainly. Denial made things easy for me.” Connor murmured, voice slow and dusky, “But I’ve seen who I am without my emotions, my ability to choose, my empathy. He’s a cold, ruthless killer who values nothing above completing his mission. I don’t want to be that.”

“I don’t know what I want to be.”

“I didn’t say I knew either, I only know what I wish not to be. Do you?”

“What I--” Gavin paused, looking for an answer inside himself (this). “I don’t want to be this. It’s stupid to just be… angry. I want more.”

“You can have more.”

“I don’t know.”

“Why not?”

“Guess I always….” He bit the inside of his cheek, chewing. Gavin hated this. He hated it. He loved it. “...kinda really cared about what people thought about me.”

“That’s understandable, you have a very competitive career and despite the way you act, you clearly care deeply about the way you’re perceived. In fact, that’s why you act the way you do.”

“Shut up, that’s what I just said.”

“Do you understand why?”

“Why I--” Why he cared? Why he cared if people saw him as anything other than a pissed off douchebag who would hit someone just because they ignored him? An android hater? Closed off? Angry? Angry? Angry? “There’s… there’s shit that humans-- I mean, I guess anyone-- there’s just shit that can’t be explained.”

“Things like this don’t need a simple, all encompassing explanation, Gavin.” Connor said gently, “But it’s helpful to have an awareness of the self.”

Self aware was one of the first things the new anchors used to describe the deviant revolutionaries, as the RK200 and RK800 took the world by storm with their actions. Self aware, awake, alive.

“Officer Chen said something this morning. A vague innuendo when I was discussing our plans,” Connor spoke up, “she alluded to your attraction to men.”

Gavin bristled, “Yeah?”

“Does that have anything to do with your… habits of repression?”

“I mean, I dunno. Maybe. Maybe not.”

“I understand the mind is a very complex thing. Like I said, there’s no simple answers, but…”

“I’m not exactly loud and proud but I’m not in the fucking closet. I’m too old for that.” Gavin looked away, “But I-I mean some shit never really leaves you I guess.”

“Like the CD.”

“Kinda. I mean, I know you’re only like half a year old but humans have trouble letting go of like, childhood shit. Teenage shit too. Stuff that happens when you’re growing up makes you who you are.”

“Very much like my programming. I’ve grown past it, but it’ll always be apart of me.”

“I guess your programming kinda is like your childhood. I mean, you learnt from it at least.”

“Your own programming taught you to be ashamed of--?”

“I know what you’re trying to say.” Gavin shook his head, “I-it’s less about gay shit and more about, like, the stuff even deeper than that. Core stuff, y’know?”

(Gentleness, softness, warmth)

“Elaborate?”

“Listen, I know things are pretty chill about guys bangin’ guys these days and shits pretty lax, no one really cares about much anymore, but when I was thirteen gays were only just being allowed to get married and a lot of people were still pissed about it.” Gavin frowned.

“You said it wasn’t about--”

“Yeah, but like, I think if I’d been straight, I still would be--” (repressed, cold, alone) Gavin sighed and watched Connor’s eyelashes flutter with each blink, “Most high schools had at least a few people who hated queers, even when I was a kid. Hell, those douchebags probably still exist because the homophobes keep havin’ kids and making them hate gay people.” He laughed a little, looking away from Connor’s rapt attention.

“You didn’t feel like you could express yourself?”

“Those douchebags were my friends. They were tough and cool and I didn’t-- I needed to figure out how to be strong because I wanted- wanted to protect-” He shook his head, “They kicked the shit of me the first time I ever met ‘em for bein’ a weak ass pansy faggot and I-I realized after that I wanted to be them. I was a dumbass kid and next thing you know I spend five years trying to impress bigots and I’ve lost everything that made me happy, just because I wanted to be strong enough to protect something I didn’t even have anymore.”

Connor didn’t reply, merely silently urged him on, but Gavin wasn’t sure he could crack himself open enough to let the rest out.

His foundation was in pieces, but the walls he’d built up from it were still only just starting to break down.

A hand drew him out of his panic, resting gently on his upper arm, “It’s ok Gavin.”

“I just had to be…” The thoughts were there, “...repressed, cold, alone.”

“We’ll both grow.” Connor’s words were smooth, peaceful, hopefully, “We’ll build, rebuild, and be stronger.”

Strength.

“You’re a fucking weirdo, Connor.” Gavin croaked, “Thank you.”

Chapter Text

Gavin found himself wishing for more time with Connor. He just wanted more. More of this feeling, more of this wanting. It was still the easiest hardest thing to deny himself, it didn’t stop the thoughts of want and wishing. Slowly, he was starting to learn of a different strength, a different kind of fight, fighting tooth and nail just to accept the thoughts that forced their way through his mind like an arrow to the head.

Exhaling, he glanced at the clock and figured it was about time for bed. It was only eight in the evening, but he found he had little much else to do but just to sleep and wake up for work the next morning.

He was just taking inventory of his pajama bottoms, before realizing his phone was ringing it’s paging tone, meaning Fowler was calling him. He glanced to his bedside table and saw a small blue hologram alert flickering up from the screen.

“Hm?” He croaked, answering with the phone barely dangling in his hand as he yawned.

“Need you on a crime scene. Officer Chen’s already here. I’ve sent you the location.”

“Murder?”

“Looks like a triple homicide.”

“Great.” He grunted, pulling himself upright. “Be there in a sec.”

Fowler had already hung up, so Gavin quickly glanced at the address that’d came up on the screen and wirelessly entered it into his car’s GPS while pulling on an old shirt.

It was nearby, probably why Fowler had called him in to check it out. At least he didn’t have to drive far, and he never minded sharing a crime scene with Chen as a first responder. She was a good officer and always was quick to update him on any information she’d managed to glean, unlike some of the other cops they worked with who found it hard to interact with him.

The night air was almost warm as he exited his apartment building, another one of the rare nights foreshadowing the changing seasons, working their way into the aging February like the promise of death and change.

Slamming his car door shut, he pressed his thumb to the ignition pad and let the car pull out onto the road. The scene was only a few blocks away, surprising Gavin as his neighbourhood was generally quite peaceful despite balancing on the edge of Detroit’s wealth disparity. There was rarely any crime and when it was, it was almost always drug related and never to the point of involving organized crime.

Drug addicts were unpredictable though, in his experience. Gavin had always secretly empathized with the struggles of those misfortunate enough to fall into the allure of narcotics, despite never finding the temptation himself. Life made coping with life difficult, and God knows Gavin could understand that basic fact if anything.

Flashing lights drew his attention back to the road, and his car pulled up on the street just outside an old warehouse complex. He was familiar with the location, having driven passed frequently throughout his time living in the area. It wasn’t currently in use, though last he’d heard it’d been bought a year back and there were plans to repurpose it for an emerging company.

As he stepped out of the car and headed towards the holographic police lines, two first responders nodded to him and gestured to a figure standing just outside the entrance of the main warehouse.

Tina Chen turned as he approached, waving.

“What we got?” He inquired, noting that the door had a smear of still wet blood on the handle.

The officer immediately went into the details, two of the victims had been identified, the third a Jane Doe, all three with execution style bullet wounds to the back of the head. The police had been alerted via anonymous tip and the victims had likely only been dead for twenty minutes at most.

Gavin followed her inside the building, as she continued talking.

“Edgar Molanski was a factory worker over at the textile plant, laid off a couple weeks ago. History of drug abuse, two misdemeanors for public intoxication. The other one, Ellis, was a Cyberlife employee with a low level R&D position.”

“Red Ice?”

“With a Cyberlife employee involved with an addict, it’s possible. He’d know the ins and outs of thirium. Hope we get an ID on the Doe…” Tina trailed off as they turned down the hallway and she nudged past two cops to enter a doorway to the right.

“Hands weren’t tied?” Gavin noted, stepping into the room and immediately frowned at the position of the bodies. All three knelt facing the door, bodies crumpled forward with their arms laying limp at their sides with no markings on their wrists. The taller of the three had fallen slightly to the side in his death, but it was evident none of the victims had fought back in anyway. “They didn’t know they were gonna die?”

“I don’t know about that. They didn’t fall to their knees, they were in this position when they were killed.”

Gavin stepped closer, walking his way around the bodies. “Tried for any prints yet?”

“We’re working the door, but it looks like this place has had more activity than the public knew. There’s a lot of prints, hard to get anything discernable. Haven’t found much on the bodies. We’ve got another forensics team coming down, plus Co--”

“I’ll see what I can find.” A voice came from the doorway, and Gavin turned to see Connor and Anderson pushing their way into the room. The android had that purposeful and focused way about him.

“Man, Fowler never lets me have any crime scenes to myself.” Gavin sighed though every part of him connected with his soul was singing in delight. The bright light that had begun growing inside glowed on top of the new foundation and behind the crumbling ruins of walls. Some of that lighting was starting to bleed through, seen from the outside.

Connor’s eyes flicked to him for half a second, and Gavin wanted him to look at him forever.

It’d been awhile since they’d worked together or been in each others presence in any capacity. He’d begun missing the connection and the vulnerability (strength), somewhat like an addict in withdrawal.

Gavin suspected Anderson had become more involved with the android’s increasing stability too, as he hadn’t noticed any signs of dysfunction lately. The thought made something in him feel selfish and strange, almost missing the times when he felt he was the only person available to help Connor through his episodes.

He had to remind himself though, that he himself had suggested Anderson needed to pay more mind to his android charge.

“You done daydreaming, Reed?” Anderson’s gruff voice asked humorously, a sparkle in his eye.

Gavin blinked, frowning at him, then glancing down at the android closely inspecting the female victim.

“Sara Davenport.” Connor spoke up, “Twenty-eight years old, missing since June 2036, missing person report filed by her parents and boyfriend. Suspected to have skipped town due to money debts.”

“Drugs?” Anderson asked, just before Gavin got a chance to.

“Nothing on record. No details on the nature of her debts.” Connor then frowned, “They’ve only been dead for fourteen minutes, the warehouse has been swept?”

“Working on it now. We’re a little short on people tonight. More are coming.” Tina said, glancing at her communicator, “I was last updated three minutes ago and they haven’t found anything yet, aside from evidence that this place was definitely in use.”

“For what?” Connor stood, long legs unfolding.

“Likely drug manufacturing. Haven’t found any concrete evidence yet, these guys aren’t sloppy. Looks like organized crime has finally found your neighbourhood, Gavin.”

“Oh, you live nearby?” Connor’s eye finally turned to him with mock innocence as though he didn’t know Gavin’s exact address. Gavin still basked under the attention despite the stinging inside trying to tell him not to.

“Uh, yep. Pretty quiet usually.”

“There were four people present for the deaths.” Connor turned away, now studying the floor, gaze sweeping across the room, “Two behind the victims, two in front. You’ll find prints on the south wall. One or both of the two facing the victims were mildly injured, there’s traces of blood on the inside of this room’s and the front’s doors and two drops on the floor.”

“Don’t--” Anderson began, just as Connor knelt and swept a finger across the seemingly unmarked floor and pressed it to his tongue.

“The blood on the front door of the warehouse and the blood of one of the two injured match a man named Alex Rivers, brother of the victim Ellis Rivers. Forty-seven, currently unemployed. Previous charges of intent to distribute, attempted murder, and assault. Done nine years time, was released in 2034. The second injured is a woman named Rachel McPherson, thirty-nine, employed as a barista at Cafe Strike, ten years imprisonment on RICO charges. I’ll send their complete profiles.” The LED at his temple spun yellow for a moment.

“So we’ve got a couple suspects, that’s good--” Tina began, just a her communicator began vibrating heavily with a small flashing light, “Shit.”

Reed's own was shrilling alerting him at his hip.

“Gunfire’s been exchanged in the west building. At least ten hostiles are still on site, maybe more.” A cop at the door behind Tina informed, “We’re ordered to--”

He himself was cut off by the sound of gunshots, coming from just down the hall.

“So much for sweeping the building.” Gavin growled, reaching for his pistol.

Tina and the officer ran out of the room, “Secure the scene!” She called, as a back up team entered the hallway.

Shouts came closer, and Gavin saw several cops pass the doorway with their guns drawn.

“Behind me.” Anderson muttered, but Connor was already pushing past to enter the hallway, “Fuck, Connor!”

“Get back behind the firing line. The coast is clear.” The android informed, gazing down the hall, “The scene needs to be kept secure.”

“Don’t be a dumbass--”

“Hank, we don’t know how long until the hostiles reach this wing. They’re nearing. Get out.”

Gavin frowned, cold gun in his tight hands, watching Anderson bristle.

“Five armed at the front exit!” A shout came, along with an alert on the detectives’ respective devices.

There was another gunshot, this time much closer. Gavin had only blinked, and Connor was gone.

“Fucking androids--” Hank snapped, running out into the hall on his tail.

Gavin was still standing there, (weak) mind only just starting to come back online. There were more shouts outside the room, and a call for a medical team.

“Officer down. Hostiles engaged.” Gavin heard someone say, and began making his way towards the door. There was a series of erratic bangs and pops, lapsing every few seconds only to start up again.

He had to switch his mind off, had to work on instinct, he couldn’t be distracted by the rest of life right now, not when the situation had turned so dangerous.

Almost immediately as he poked his head out the door, hands gripped his leather jacket and began dragging him hard through the hall. He shouted, gun about to push up against his attacker, only to see Connor’s deep brown eyes near inches from his as the android pulled both of them into a small empty room a few feet away.

“Hank got behind the line, but two out of the three deployed teams are currently surrounded.” Connor whispered, voice low and deep, “I came to the aid of the downed officer but Tina’s team came under fire.”

“Is everyone--”

“They’re engaging now. They have cover and an advantage, but our attackers are not run of the mill drug peddlers. They’re organized and strategizing.”

“What do we do?” Gavin whispered, knealing down against the wall to match Connor, “Are you armed?”

“I am.” There was a few tense moments were the gunfire ceased, and Connor’s LED spun yellow with an update, “There are five hostiles at the end of this hallway. The rest have retreated and the DPD is regrouping.”

The android stood, creeping closer to the cracked open door, and his light remained yellow.

“Connor?”

“Count to thirty and then exit this room.” Connor stated, “You will be safe.”

“What do you--”

The android had begun moving for the door, and Gavin arm moved with a mind of its own, latching onto his sleeve, “Fuck you, what are you doing?

“There is a high probability I will survive an encounter.” Gavin knew Connor could give him the exact percentage of success, and hated that he didn’t, “They will be nearing us soon, I believe they are checking every room they pass. Your chances are far lower than mine. Count to thirty, and escape.”

“Connor, don’t you fucking dare. There’s five guys, I don’t care if you’re not human, they’ll kill you--” He kept his grip tight on Connor’s shirtsleeve, but knew from experience if the android used even an iota of his strength he’d break free in an instant.

“When I leave, go right and down the hall marked 3A.” Connor spoke low and dangerously, leaning a little further around the corner, ignoring Gavin insistent tugging. “The FBI has secured the backdoor of the east wing.”

“Don’t, asshole! Stay here, that’s a fucking order--”

“I don’t need your permission.” He said calmly, “You’ll get out safely if I can draw them away, and that’s the choice I’m making.”

“Connor--”

“It’s my turn, Gavin.” Connor turned his head to face him, dark eyes piercing and fierce, “Obey, and do as I say.”

Gavin’s heart thudded, but his hand only tightened. There was nothing he could say, knees locked in place, frozen as Connor finally ripped from his his hands and was gone in an instant.

There, and then gone.

He heard the sounds of his soft footsteps retreat down the hall, but only barely over his own heavy heartbeat. Gavin never realized his hand could ever feel so empty.

There was nothing he could do.

Gavin obeyed.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

(don’t do this)

7, 8, 9, 10, 11

(I need you)

12, 13, 14, 15

(it’s not fair)

16, 17, 18, 19

(I’m changing)

20, 21, 22, 23

(it’s your fault)

24, 25, 26, 27

(you did this)

28, 29, 30…

Gavin picked himself up off the floor, gripped his gun like it was Connor’s hand, and slipped out the door. The hallway was silent, there had been no sound in the last thirty seconds and none now.

He didn’t know if that was good or bad.

Everything was a daze, he didn’t know how to break out of the mind numbing fear. He felt like he was losing everything with each passing second, with each silent moment.

Connor’s voice echoed through his head and through his fugue panic, reminded him of his instructions, turn right. Gavin followed the path the android had given him, numbly following 3A down until he reached a doorway guarded by two men in FBI garb.

“Detective Gavin Reed?”

He nodded mechanically, pulling at the badge on his belt. They parted to let him pass, and was immediately swarmed by agents and cops. They were all huddled outside in the corner of the warehouse wall, protected from both sides.

“We’ve lost the crime scene, but we’ve managed to evacuate with minor casualties.” Agent Perkins was speaking into a communicator.

“Connor’s in there.” Gavin croaked as he neared.

Perkins shot him a look, “The android?”

“Connor?” Hank’s voice shouted, and a heavy body shoved him to the side, “Gavin, did you say Connor’s still in there?”

“He--”

“I’m alright, Hank.” Connor was standing in between the two agents at the door, standing tall and beautiful, crimson blood staining his white dress shirt and painting his jaw and hair. “I’ve secured the crime scene, a team of agents are guarding it right now. They’ve secured the west.”

“Are you alright?” The older man pushed past Gavin to grip Connor’s jacket, pulling at it to look for any trace of blue, any glimpse of mixed purple, “You fucking idiot, the scene’s not worth risking your goddamn life.”

“Perhaps not, but I had other motivations.” Connor didn’t look at him, but his head cocked in a way Gavin could pretend he was.

Hank peered back at him though, a dark frown crossing his features.

(Would I risk my life for him?)

(I need you)

Gavin couldn’t do this without Connor. He couldn’t learn how to become more without the android who was doing the same.

The idea that Connor nearly died to save his life chilled him to the very core, beyond all that he knew he could feel. A deep, penetrating ice made up of fear and disgust. Everything was crashing around him and his internal structure was only just starting to be built.

“A moment, Hank?” Connor asked quietly, hand on the detective’s shoulder.

“I--”

“Please.”

Anderson nodded and stepped aside, stiffly turning to approach Perkins without looking back. Connor’s gaze turned to Gavin, and a tiny smile appeared.

“You’re an idiot.” Gavin choked, “Fuck you.”

The smile only grew, but Connor’s face was soft with a gentle sadness and understanding, “Thank you for trusting me.”

“I shouldn’t have. Shouldn’ta let you go.”

“I was efficient in eliminating the threat.”

“It could have gone bad.”

“It could have.”

The two stared at each other, and Gavin felt himself reach out again, like he had before. His hand connected with the wet fabric of Connor’s shirt, and pulled the Android close. It wasn’t quite an embrace, but he could feel the heat of the android’s mechanical workings from the short distance and feel the brush of his breath on his face, “Don’t ever fucking do that again.”

“I cannot make that promise.”

“What can you promise?”

“That’ll I’ll keep you safe.”

“Keep--” (Keep yourself safe) Gavin heart was pounding too hard for him to think, in anger, in some twisted arousal, and for reasons his mind couldn’t quite register yet. “Connor, I-- you’re--”

“I know Gavin, I’m sorry.” Connor’s eyes slid shut, and he leaned forward a little, just until his chin brushed against Gavin’s temple then pulled away. The contact burned and Gavin wanted to self immolate in the heat, burn to death in Connor’s living warmth, “The FBI are taking control, Perkins has allowed us to leave via escort to the secured path west. A SWAT team has engaged the east wings and there's firepower here to take control of the situation.”

“Guess we’re losing the case, huh?” Gavin’s voice felt like gravel.

“Yes.” Connor smiled, “We could have lost a lot more though.”

“Don’t remind me.” Gavin growled, “I’m so-- I’m still so fucking pissed at you.”

“Gavin--”

“You’ve changed so much for me. I thought I’d lost it all, but I’m getting it back, so don’t you dare take it away from me.”

Connor’s eyes were sad but his lips were gentle and upturned, just slightly, face so open and intensely focused on Gavin and his words and his thoughts.

He never wanted to feel that numb horror ever again. He’d obey Connor until the end of time, so long as he was never put in that kind of situation again. Nothing about him could handle the immobilizing terror at the idea of losing, losing, losing …

“We’re ok, Gavin.” Connor murmured, “I have a lot to think about. I am… very sorry for scaring you, for putting this on you. It was cruel of me to ask what I did of you, and yet I can’t help but feel… something, about the fact that you listened.”

The emphasis on the words was soft, though delicately serious and punctuated.

“I trust you.” He grunted, “And I was--I was fucking scared.”

“I know.” Connor moved closer, but Gavin instinctively back away with a flinching step, chest tight.

Everything was a lot to handle.

Gavin had almost lost Connor. He didn’t. He didn’t lose him and he was there next to him, so close, so warm and tender in his expression and words.

“I--” Gavin began, but stuttered to a stop. He took a few more steps back, though Connor seemed to barely hold back from following him. “Y-You make me good, asshole. Don’t--don’t take that away from me.” Don’t leave.

“I won’t. I’m sorry Gavin.” Connor hesitated, chest unmoving, an android not requiring breath, “I trust you too. I want you to know that. No matter what’s occurred between us in the past, I trust you.”

Gavin wanted Connor to breathe, and wondered why the android chose not to. He wanted him, the human him, the not-human not-machine him. Gavin wanted Connor to breathe.

“Gavin?” Connor finally stepped closer again, and he willed himself not to flinch back this time. Gavin could almost hear the gentle purr of Connor’s thirium pump. “I trust you, and I forgive you. Will you forgive me for what I’ve put you through tonight?”

Gavin forced himself to look up from Connor’s chest to meet his eyes, and nodded, growling a breathy, “Yes.”

“I’ll keep you safe Gavin, and I trust you from experience that you too will keep me safe.” Connor’s hand reached out, but didn’t go much further than to hang in the small space between them, “You’ve become very important to me, in my struggles with my deviancy, as well as my enjoyment of being able to feel and experience.”

Gavin wasn’t sure if he could handle this yet. This was more than his brain was willing accept, this strange, sweet confession. He didn’t have a response to it.

All he could do in that moment was revel in the feeling of being protected, with Connor’s tall form huddled close to him, looming over him. He didn’t need the walls he built himself. He didn’t need a roof to protect him from the rain. Gavin had found his foundation in desire, of all kinds, to change, to have, to want, and found the rest here.

Somehow, standing in the middle of an active firefight surrounded by FBI and flashing light, gunfire, about to make a trek to safety-- and somehow through all that intensely primal fear-- Gavin felt happy.

Gavin felt happy.

Chapter Text

Part One

Gavin was alive, and more importantly, Connor was alive. Gavin’s heart still beat (softly) and his blood still pumped, and Connor’s processor was functioning and pump pushing thirium through his system (heart beating hard), so they were both alive.  

It was early in the evening and Gavin felt like all the energy had drained out of him and all his organs had been replaced with stuffing, and had to remind himself of the aforementioned fact. That he was alive, he could feel, he was real.

He and Connor had survived last night and lived to ache the next day.

There was still a lingering fear and happiness that muddled and confused his general mood -- too exhausted to try to untangle his emotions and question his thoughts.

After two hours spent giving statements with the FBI and signing off his duties with the case, considering a massive crackdown and successful firefight against a new unknown drug manufacturing ring in his own backyard was a little out of his hands, Gavin sat numbly at his desk finishing up his own reports for the DPD. It was getting late. He hadn’t spoken to many people that day, everyone still a little shell shocked by what a dramatic turn of events the last night was. A few cops huddled and swapped stories, but most people turned themselves to the hefty amount of paperwork the situation had left and tuned the rest out.

It really was kind of nice to have the distraction, though difficult to continuously recount the tense experience. It was hardly the worst situation he’d ever found himself in on the job, but his added struggles with Connor only brought everything to a harsh new reality. Everything seemed to be a little more important now.

Gavin was startled by a knock to his left, and he flinched back to look up at Tina Chen.

“That was a pretty big operation that went down yesterday.” Tina leaned against Gavin’s desk with her hip, swirling a cup of coffee, “Was talking to Hank and the others in the breakroom just now, we’re thinking about going out for drinks tonight. You in?”

Gavin huffed a breath, “Yeah, uh, none of those fuckers like me, I’ll just drag the party down. Don’t we all got a shit ton of work to do?”

“I know of one specific fucker that likes you a whole lot, who happens to be coming along tonight. Plus, you’ve been warming up a little the last few weeks.” Tina set the mug on his desk, Gavin noticed finally that it was his favourite mug, “And we can’t just shove our faces in our paperwork, we gotta let off some steam, baby.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Connor asked me to bring this out to you.” She tapped the mug.

“I figured.”

“Y’know, he talks about you a lot to Hank. I think the ol’ geezer might be coming to terms with the idea of you not being a heinous dick.”

The concept of Connor talking about him both made him nervous and delighted, but under it all was the warm feeling of knowing Connor was thinking about him.

“Nearly got that plastic prick killed yesterday.” He coughed, warm feeling matched by a thickness in his throat, and nearly killed completely by a stab of anxiety, “I nearly… I dunno. Yeah I’ll come tonight.”

“You really got it bad, huh.” She smiled in sympathy, “You have good taste, I’ll give you that. Though if you ever hit him again like that first day, I’ll grab your nuts, twist them like a bottle cap until they pop off, and make you chew them.”

“I wouldn’t--”

“Yeah, yeah I know, but even if you have a heart of gold you’re still an asshole with a heart of gold. Just, be gentle with him, ok?”

Gavin nodded, swallowing down a quiet thought of (gentleness, strength) that was becoming easier and easier to take in. Gentleness did not equal weakness.

(I want to be weak with him)

Gavin wanted to be gentle with him.

“We’re gonna have a good time tonight, Gav, trust me.” She grinned, “Connor may not be able to get drunk, but he sure is fun to be around.”

“Uh huh.” He muttered, rubbing his arm, “Am I stupid, Tina?”

“A little. In a good way. A different way than before. Don’t let go of it, it’s making you… good .”

He snorted at that, but enjoyed the sense of validation of an outsider that even if he was dumb fool in some kind of love, he wasn’t actually making a mistake.

Emotions make people idiots, but he was glad to be an idiot who could feel.

“Ok.” He nodded slowly, and took a sip of his coffee.

After Tina retreated, giving him a comforting pat on his shoulder, Gavin tried to return his focus to proofreading his report but the only words he could pick out were, ‘RK800 Connor’, ‘secure’, ‘thirty seconds’, and ‘safe’.

There were decisions he had to make, he knew. Potentially life changing, or at least he hoped so. The choice to fully accept the warmth he felt. The choice to stop fighting his feelings and fighting for them. The choice to act.

Gavin was ready. Almost. Teetering on the edge, dangling his toes off the precipice, just waiting for something unidentifiable to push him off and let him plummet.

He wanted to fall.

He was ready to fall.

The screen suddenly seemed far too harsh on his eyes and he yearned for something softer.

(My hand on his shirt sleeve, his low quiet voice. I’ve been here, long ago, but back then I was begging because I’d changed into something cold and he was leaving because it hurt to be with me. This time, I’m begging because I’ve changed into something warm, and he was leaving because he--)

Gavin closed his eyes.

(I t doesn’t hurt him to be with me)

(He wants to protect me)

A thought came, a thought that nearly thrust him off that cliff with three words, three simple words that he refused to push away, refused to ignore.

(He wants me)

Connor wanted him.

There were other words that would come, someday, another three words that might be what finished the building process inside Gavin, the reconstruction of a person who could love.  

This is what he wanted, he knew that now. There was no going back. There was no choice.

Gavin smiled.

“I haven’t seen that expression on your face before. I’m very observant, you know, I would have noticed.” A delicious voice came from behind him and Gavin knew more than anything that everything that had happened, all these weeks, last night, everything was for something good.

“You’ve seen me smile.” Gavin told Connor, watching the android move to perch on the corner of his desk.

“Not like that.” Connor shook his head, “And after last night, I certainly wouldn’t have had expected it.”

“You said you had a lot to think about, so have I.”

“Any thoughts you’d like to share?”

“Not yet.” There was a promise behind that though, a promise to give him everything.

Connor leaned forward a little, “Tina told me you’ve decided to come with on our excursion tonight. That pleases me greatly. I look forward to spending time with you.”

“The others are probably pissed I’m coming.”

“Certainly not. While I may be somewhat more fond of you and your eccentricities than most, your coworkers have noticed a change in your behavior.”

“Tina kinda said the same thing.” He frowned, he hadn’t thought he’d been acting much different lately with anyone other than Connor, and even though he felt most of the change was internal rather than external.

‘You have the potential to change naturally.’

“I think you’ll find a warmer welcome waiting for you than you’d expect.” Connor hands fell overtop of Gavin’s where it rested by his terminal.

He could have sworn he gotten an electric shock, thinking for a moment that there’d been a malfunction in Connor’s system and he’d closed the circuit, electrocuting him. Startling, Gavin’s elbow knocked over the coffee and grabbed it with his other hand just in time to let most of it’s contents spill to the floor.

“Ah.” Connor moved back a little, breaking the contact. Gavin knew it had been no electric shock. It’d been a jolt of energy through his own system, through his heart, of his own making. His body’s reminder that their skin could touch, that Connor could touch him-- Connor's voice, “Shall I get a towel?”

“I’ve-- I’ve got some paper towel in my desk.” Gavin grunted, unwilling to let the android leave.

(Electrocute me again)

(Touch me again)

“You’ll need exactly five sheets, assuming they’re a standard eleven inch squared and at least two ply.” Connor glanced at the ground as Gavin rummaged in his desk for the old, squashed and stained roll of paper towel.

“Damn, you can really calculate that just by looking?”

“I’m a detective android prototype fit the most advanced processor ever released.” Connor said almost bitterly, “Of course I can.”

“What that brain do?” He leered slightly, (What that mouth do?)

Connor rolled his eyes, reaching past Gavin to grasp the newly found paper towel from his hands, “Would you like an example?”

(Yes) “Uh, sure.”

“You spilled exactly 162.84 milliliters, in fact almost exactly half of the cup’s maximum liquid capacity, off by 5.6 mililiters. A brief scan suggests the cup has been last used to contain a serving of soda, and was not washed properly.” A finger dipped into the remaining puddle and then pressed against Connor’s tongue. Gavin swallowed down a knot growing in his throat. “An analysis proves there is a 0.03% contamination of Cool8 brand orange soda, traces containing 17 calories and high fructose corn syrup. My apologies, I should have thought to wash your cup out first, despite it being in the cupboard of clean dishes.”

“Uh.”

Connor smirked, and finished up wiping the coffee off the floor, “I’ll go dispose of this. I look forward to tonight.”

“M-me too.”

Gavin watched the android leave, and had an overwhelming urge to follow. His eyes slid from Connor’s smooth stride up to the clock on the wall. There wasn’t much time left before the workday would be over.

He didn’t know if they were heading out directly from the precinct or were meeting somewhere later, and scanned the bullpen for Tina to ask. That anxiety earlier hadn't lessened much, and he yearned for some stability and some false sense of security. He spotted her headed for the bathroom, and rose to tail her. Glancing around as he did, Connor was nowhere to be seen.

Tina had just entered the women’s room when Gavin'd reached the end of the office, so he decided to go wait for her in the break room. Tucked around the corner in one of the chairs, eyes on the wall, he thought about later that night.

Always a fairly competent drinker, he wasn’t overly worried about making a fool out of himself. He wasn’t exactly a heavy weight, but he knew his way around alcohol well enough to stay in control. Gavin’s only hope was that Connor’s presence wouldn’t do away with all that control.

Maybe it would be a good thing to let go a little.

Fall.

Voices caught his attention and he focused to make out a mix of gruff and soft.

“Keep thinking about it Connor, don’t make any decision one way or another until you’re sure.” Anderson’s voice came from outside, low but insistent.  

“I understand, but I am sure.”

“You’ve got choices now, kid. Don’t go closing doors on yourself--”

“I already have been, Hank. I’m ready to open new ones.”

“Connor--”

The two continued on their way out of earshot. Gavin stood, trying not to think too hard about what the context of the conversation was. For some reason he couldn't walk out, feeling frozen in place like he had last night in the warehouse. A strange thrum of fear, with a misplaced hope underneath it buried along with longing. He wanted to know what Connor was thinking, feeling, what choices he was making. 

Considering the choices Gavin had been battling with, he couldn't even imagine what decisions Connor was contemplating. Finally, his feet began moving, as the longing morphed into something more acute.

Gavin turned the corner out of the breakroom, nearly running smack into Connor’s chest.

“Ah, Gavin. Fancy meeting you again so soon. I was just looking for you." The android greeted, nonplussed at Gavin stumbling away in embarrassment, "Tina says she and Ben are driving.”

“R-Right. Thanks.” Gavin straightened, but now stared up at him, and something must have been exposed on his face because Connor’s expression turned sober.

“Did you-" A look of understanding crossed his eyes, "You heard Hank and I talking?”

“Kinda.”

“I’m sorry, I would have told you sooner, but I wanted to give myself time to decide. Last night finalized my decision.” Connor looked away, blinking, “I’m leaving the DPD.”

“What? ” His mind didn’t even process the statement right away, churning over the words as if refusing to let them fully sink in. This wasn’t what he’d been expecting. He didn’t know what, but not this. Never this.

Connor refused to look at him, “I’ve been thinking about it for awhile. I may have been created for investigative work, but I’m--” ( free) “--I can choose now.”

“Why would you though? You’re so fucking good at this.” He couldn’t believe it. Gavin had spent so much time wishing Connor would leave, eliminating the competition and annoyance of working with an android, and now that it was happening, he would tear the world apart to keep it from happening.

(Don’t leave me )

“I may be good at it, but it’s not good for me.” There was mix of determination and shame on his face. Gavin knew the feeling well, maybe that was why it was so hard to see it. “It’ll take me time to fully adapt to the changes inside myself, I thought having the guidance of cases to work on would help but I’ve only been clinging to the idea that I need someone else to tell me what to do, to give me my purpose. I need to find my own.”

“And the panic attacks?” Gavin muttered pitifully. “You think working at the DPD is makin’ them worse?”

“I know it is.”

“Of course you do, you know everything.” There was no bite to it.

“We won’t stop talking, Gavin. I won’t let us lose what we’ve made here, we’ve worked so hard.” Connor finally met his eyes, blazing with light and energy, “This will not go to waste.”

“You’ll be happy? Away from the DPD?”

“I hope so.”

“And you’ll be… happy… with me?”

“I know so.”

Gavin swallowed, exhaling shakily, “Ok.”

“I hope this doesn’t cross a boundary, Gavin, but I have a gift for you.”

(I want you to cross every damn boundary)

“Pretty sure I’m supposed to give you a going away present.”

Connor smiled, “Well, think of it as yet another gesture of my appreciation towards you. You’ve been more of a help to me than you could ever imagine.”

The android pulled a wrapped thin package from his inner jacket pocket, and Gavin’s thumb brushed the cool, soft synthetic skin of Connor’s hand as he accepted it. The shock was the same, and Gavin wanted more of it. It was the brief jolts of energy and connection, the sharp shots to his touch starved body and mind at the feel of Connor’s skin and humming life underneath.

Hands shaking almost imperceptibly, though he knew Connor would notice, Gavin began unwrapping the gift.

“T-Thanks Connor, I--”

“I'm aware you said you didn’t actually like their music--” Connor explained as Gavin carefully pulled off the paper, revealing a CD case, “--but you expressed anger at the fact you had lost your copy. I happened upon this and thought perhaps… perhaps you would like to have it, even if just for the sentimentality of it.”

“I--” For some reason, Gavin genuinely felt like he might cry. Like everything was going to break open and spill out.

“I inspected the disk myself, it’s a little scratched but it still works.”

His chest constricted and he couldn’t rip his eyes away from the CD in his hands, no matter how much he wanted to stare up at Connor and analyze every detail. The idea that he might be important to Connor, that Connor might want to be around him, might want him, sat so perfectly in his mind like it belonged there and had always meant to be there.

“Tina wants to leave as soon as she’s done in the washroom.” Connor murmured, “Shall we meet her out front?”

Gavin nodded mutely, hands tight around the case until he finally pushed it into his pocket, then found his voice again, “Hey Connor? Again… ah, thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, Gavin.”

Connor turned and began making his way across the office, and this time Gavin did follow. His feet traced Connor’s path through the office and around the reception's desk. Flutters of fear and absolutely awed delight beat their wings against his chest, making his heart skip beats and brain grow crowded with conflicting yet symbiotic thoughts. 

The android held the door open for him and remained close as they greeted the world together. 

Outside the precinct, Anderson was leaning against the wall and chatting amicably with Ben and Chris and a couple other officers. Eyes glanced to them as they exited the building and took the few steps out.

“Hey Gavin, Connor.” Chris waved.

“Hello, Chris.” Connor greeted, hand brushing across Gavin’s elbow as he finally moved away to stand next to Anderson, “Tina will be out shortly.”

“We know where we’re going?” Ben asked, exhaling a plume of cigarette smoke, “Last place she took us to was… not great.”

“Little place downtown.” Anderson grunted, “Been there before, it’s alright.”

“You’ve been to every bar in Detroit, Hank.”

“So my opinion matters more.”

Connor let out a little breathy laugh, and cocked his head at Gavin, gesturing for him to come closer and stand with the group.

It felt awkward, but he shuffled forward a bit and leaned back against the wall with his hands in his pockets, feeling the warm plastic of the CD case under his fingers. Connor met his eye again, and stepped backwards to match his pose against the wall. Gavin willed the moments of warmth and happiness to contend with the unnerving fear settling in his gut. 

“Are you excited?” Connor asked, and Gavin felt Anderson’s eyes piercing him.

“Uh, yeah, I guess.”

Just as Anderson opened his mouth to say something, Tina’s loud voice interrupted all chatter, “Alright let’s get going, guys.” She stood in her civilian clothes by the front door, hands on her hips.

There was a tense moment where no one moved, all small activity ceased into an awkward stillness that made Gavin shiver with uncertainty. Then all at once, life resumed and Anderson roughly grabbed Connor and steered him toward the car Tina had pointed to with a commanding gesture, with his hand on the small of the android's back.

Gavin slowly followed as the other officers began heading that way, falling back as he watched them pile into two cars. He was unsure which to go for, uncomfortable with the idea of forcing his presence on anyone. The group at the other car waved and offered him tentative smiles, making their offer clear, but his step faltered.

Connor paused as he opened the back door of Tina’s car, and called out to him, “Travel with me, Gavin?”

Gavin froze for a heartbeat, and gazed back and forth between Connor’s deep brown eyes. There was something he was looking for, something unknown but needed, something he couldn’t put a name to, but found.

It stared back at him, begging to be identified, so glaringly obvious and yet so undiscovered. Gavin felt it, so he knew it was real, it existed. They both felt it, they could both feel, they were both alive, they were both real.

“Alright.”

Chapter Text

Us [Part 2]

“Ah-- alright.”

Gavin readily ignored the stare Anderson gave him and walked to the other side of the car on knees that almost felt like buckling under the weight of his anxiety, pulling open the door. The vehicle wasn’t a very new model, but it was self driving and compact so when Connor and Gavin got in, their knees were touching and their shoulders occasionally bumped together as they strapped in.

That beautifully unidentifiable expression was on Connor’s face, and he could see his own reflected in the android’s eyes and feel it trying to diagnose itself in his heart (what is it, what is it, what is it?). 

The small confines left the air too warm and stifling, but Tina was quick to roll her window down halfway as she started up the car. From where he sat, Gavin could hear the soft whir of Connor’s thirium pump and almost imperceptible hum of of his system above the sound of the engine and evening crickets outside.

Car pulling out of the precinct parking lot, second car tailing behind them, they departed for their destination. The evening air billowed in through the driver's window, sweet and crisp, cold. It helped Gavin keep his blood and face from growing too hot as he maintained casual eye contact with Connor. The energy between them was compatible and easy, keeping the situation comfortable and far from awkward despite the internal jitters Gavin was feeling. In fact, his nerves calmed a little under Connor’s gaze.

“It’s unfortunate that I cannot drink with you.” Connor murmured quietly, a statement that could be said to the entire group but instead was whispered just to him.

“There aint a robot drink, or drunk program or somethin’?”

“There have been some experimental codes developed, but they’re all third party and I’d rather not risk it.” Connor smiled, “Someday I’m sure a trusted company will come out with such a product, after all-- android technology has become a hot market with Cyberlife out of the picture.”

“Are there even any trusted companies yet? I mean, Cyberlife was kinda the top dog and had all the tech and info, right?” Gavin hadn’t been paying much attention to that kind of thing. He’d watched the news religiously when the revolution first happened, but he’d been distracted in the months since and wasn’t much up to date with the general climate of android politics and technology.

“There are three companies that had managed to touch the market even while Cyberlife dominated and controlled most android production, and now they’ve been buying the rights to Cyberlife tech as fast as they can. They’re fighting for any chance they can get to be involved in the growing demand for android technology and service, especially from Jericho.”

“Yeah, I heard your little gang has really fuckin’ grown, huh.”

“You could say that.”

The android haven had become a large community, and an even larger development project. All he knew was by word of mouth, from eavesdropping on office chatter, but it sounded like Jericho was building several giant housing complexes and community centers after gaining ownership over a number of Cyberlife properties and warehouses in Detroit.

Androids had the right to buy and rent property under the new legal act, Gavin knew that as a fact since there were at least two androids now living in his apartment building, but renting was competitive and there was a limited amount of space in the city as very few androids continued living with their former owners so it made sense that Jericho would make housing and building a sense of community a priority.

“Do you still uh, hang out with that weirdo android messiah?”

“I keep contact with Markus and help out at Jericho occasionally.” Connor paused, then turned his head to gaze at Gavin, “I’m thinking about volunteering with construction at the new community center after I leave the DPD. Just for awhile, as I decide on a career path to pursue.”

“Just, uh, make sure you take time to like, take care of yourself.” Gavin muttered, quietly because he knew Anderson was listening intently though trying not to show it. The bastard had a wicked poker face when he put his mind to it. “That’s what this is all about, right? Taking time to figure yourself out and shit?”

Connor chuckled, “That is true, but I feel I would grow quite bored if I didn’t have something to do.”

“Well, just don’t fuckin’ use it as a distraction. If you’re gonna leave me and DPD to go soul searching, don’t do dumb shit like sit around with a bunch of construction workers.”

“I would be overseeing construction plans, as I have very advanced pre-construction simulation programs. It would be nice to put them to a use other than police work for once. And I am most certainly not leaving you.” Without looking outside, Connor spoke a little louder, “I believe we are almost here, correct Tina?”

“Right-O.” She affirmed, as the car took a turn and and pulled into a brightly lit bar parking lot.

The calming security that Connor's presence and words gave him battled desperately with the nervousness that was born from the same mother, sisters in the uncertainty and chaos.

Free from his seatbelt, Gavin pushed the door open and slid out. Within seconds, Connor had crossed around the car and was at his side, arm slipping around his and locking at his elbow.

Gavin glanced at him, but Connor just offered an encouraging smile, and began walking them elbows linked towards the second car and the group forming.

“Alright guys, as we all may know, Connor’s resigning from the DPD.” Tina announced, glancing at Gavin, “So tonight's not just a celebration that somehow we all fucking survived last night--” the group laughed uneasily, “--but also a little going away party. So everyone on their best behavior and have fun.”

“We can’t do both at the same time, Tina.” Chris joked, nudging Ben with his elbow.

Tina ignored him completely, “Let’s go, folks.”

She led the officers towards the bar, and Connor pulled Gavin along.

There was a blush blooming across Gavin’s cheekbones, and he felt overwhelmingly self conscious that people were looking at him. He’d never hang out with most of these people outside of work, aside from Tina and surprisingly Anderson, the two grabbing drinks together occasionally when Gavin was still a rookie. And Connor, the taste of panini and coffee a ghost in Gavin’s mouth.

As they reached the front door, Gavin surreptitiously slipped his arm from Connor’s, and didn’t look at the android as Tina steered them all to a couple of tables near the back. With the eyes of the bar patrons an added audience to his self consciousness, his gait became stiff and his shoulders rose, head ducked. He looked to the floor as he walked, but kept an awareness of his peripherals. Chris gave him a pat on the shoulder and sat with the woman Gavin had seen around the office, the one who’d told him about the ring in evidence a few weeks ago.

Anderson had Connor sit down with a chair on either side of him, and took his right. Gavin edged his way to Connor’s left, and slipped into the chair with a sheepish smile. Connor only beamed at him, flashing a radiant smile before turning to Anderson and murmuring something quietly.  

Tina took the end seat, and nudged Gavin’s leg with her foot, “Look in my purse. Front pocket.” She whispered, dropping her purse down heavily on the floor next to him.

Gavin frowned, and glanced around, then ducked down to nudge open the front pocket only to spot a mini bottle of gin.

“Tina, we’re at a bar. They have drinks.” He deadpanned, but tucked the bottle up his sleeve with a deft movement.

“And I know you’re a frugal bitch and won’t get as shit faced as you need to be to stick your tongue in that robot’s mouth.” Tina kept her voice low, but not as low as Gavin would have liked. In fact, he was starting to get equal parts enraged and embarrassed, but tried to keep his cool and not explode.

Everything was starting to rise up, and now was not the time to lose to control.

“Everything all right?” Connor asked the two, leaning over the table.

“Peachy.” Tina gave a thumbs up, “Pass the drink menu?”

Anderson begrudgingly slid it across the table. Ben and one of the cops shared a menu and Chris almost slid his across to Connor, seeing that he didn’t have one, but froze when he realized his mistake and passed it over to Gavin instead.

“Thanks.” He grunted, scanning the page but really only thinking about the gin that now rest safely in his pocket. “Uh, order me a beer, will ya Tina? I gotta go take a piss.”

“Sure.” She glanced at him, then at Connor who was also giving Gaven a strange gaze.

Gavin slowly got out of his chair and scanned the area for a bathroom, then spotted a sign over by the pool table. He felt eyes on his back as he retreated across the bar.

Dodging drunks and side stepping pushed out stools, he made it to the sign and turned down a short and badly lit hall, entering one of the four single bathrooms and locked the door. He shut the toilet lid with his foot and sat on it, tugging the bottle out of his pocket. With one twist, the seal cracked and he pulled off the cap, raising it to his lips.

The sharp pine and licorice mixed with rubbing alcohol taste filled his mouth as he sloppily downed the shot, drinking the nip with several large gulps. It burned and it’d been awhile since he’d taken a shot so it’s covered his mouth and tongue and even left a couple drips trailing down his chin through his scuff.

“Gavin? Are you alright?” A knock came at the door.

Gavin coughed, wiping his face and wincing through the burn, “Yeah!” His voice cracked.

Connor made a displeased noise and spoke again, “I am uncertain that is true.”

“Shouldn’t you know everything?”

“Remember, I told you that you-- you are unpredictable to me.” Gavin heard Connor’s footsteps shuffle, “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine, I just, um, Tina gave a me a mini of gin.” He confessed, figuring the android wouldn’t care.

“Alright, I understand. But if there’s- if there’s anything wrong, don’t hesitate to confide in me.”

Gavin reached out and opened the door, stepping out to see Connor standing with perfect posture a foot away.

“I’m just, uh--”

“You’re anxious.” Connor moved a little closer, “I hope I did not embarrass you, and I hope you know you have no reason to feel anxiety here tonight.”

“Can’t help it. I’m just not… not used to this stuff.” He hesitated, before reaching out to grip Connor’s sleeve again, just like he had last night. “I dunno how to…”

“It’s alright Gavin. You’re very dear to me, I can show affection in whatever way you please, and you can interact with the group however you please. There are no expectations--”

“D-Don’t-- don’t do that. I mean, do whatever you wanna. I want you to… to do what you want. I like you making choices for yourself.”

Connor smiled, “I don’t wish to upset you or push you too far.”

There was a certain sadness in his words and smile, and Gavin remember Connor was as new to this as he was. Perhaps even more so.

“I want to be.” Gavin spoke suddenly, those blessed moments where his thoughts come faster than he could filter, “I-- I want you to push me.”

(Push me off the precipice. Let me fall. Let me fall for you.)

Connor eye’s were intensely locked with his, “I don’t wish to overwhelm you. I know what it’s like--”

“Can we-- can we talk outside? Somewhere more private?” He muttered, letting go of his sleeve. He glanced around a few people passing by through the hall, passerby given them a large breadth.

Connor nodded and his arm wrapped around Gavin, with his hand on the small of Gavin’s back much like Hank had done with the android earlier. The taller steered them out into the bar and through the crowd.

Once again a flush built up across Gavin’s face, but he tried to focus on the warmth of Connor’s body and the grounding contact against his back rather than the nerves and the self consciousness-- not quite shame, not quite bashfulness, not quite humiliation, just deep embarrassment that dipped a toe into the self sabotaging idea that he didn’t deserve this.

Focus on the strange pulse emanated from the pressure at his back, like he could feel Connor’s life pulsing through his hand. Focus on the tender and concerned expression on the android’s face, and the fullness of his eyelashes and the beautiful freckles and beauty marks speckling his soft skin. Focus on his mouth, barely parted, white teeth and barest glimpse of a pink tongue seen between his lips.

“Connor…” Gavin whispered, as Connor reached to open the door for them.

“Yes?”

“I…” He trailed off, blinking, “If I’m--if I’m ever and asshole to you, tell me, ok? Even better, tell Hank. Tell Tina.”

“Why do you say this?”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

Connor’s hand moved to curl around Gavin’s side, just above his hips, “You won’t.”

“You’re so fucking--” He bit his tongue, “Connor, you’re so fucking cool and I used to hate you for that. I’m… I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you, Gavin.”

“I’m a dick, and I know it, but even if I can’t just… change my personality, I can change what I want, and how I get it, and I--I’m gonna do that.”

Connor’s arm tightened around him, and he pulled him around the corner into an alley entrance next door to the bar, “I believe in you Gavin.”

No thoughts, Gavin pulled from Connor’s grasp and in the dark, his hands shook as they reached towards the android on their own accord. Connor didn’t tense or move away when they made contact, fingers curling in the collar of his perfectly pressed shirt. Instead, the space between their bodies grew smaller and Gavin hadn’t moved an inch.

He thought about that first day, Connor stepping into the interrogation room, watching the way his body moved with such purpose and perfection.

“I’ve been dreaming about this since the first second I saw you.” Gavin moaned, he felt cool skin brush against his jaw as his chin tilt up. Without thinking, because he couldn’t think, refused to think, didn’t fucking need to think -- Gavin dragged Connor down to roughly kiss him.

That stupid perfect face, that purposeful stride that swayed his pretty little ass with each step, the way his hands rub together so sickeningly sensually, that melodically smooth voice and big fancy words… ‘Fuck, I’ve been dreaming of this since the first second I saw him.’

Maybe some fantasies involved a gun tracing the gentle curves of Connor’s body, or tasting the sharp metal of blue blood in his mouth as they kissed, because Christ he had still fucked up his sense of attraction and he didn’t know how to feel properly back then -- and he was still struggling to separate his desires from his anger but all he knew in that second was ‘Connor’s mouth is warm.’

The android’s breath was tasteless, but still heated from the rising temperatures in his core, panting into Gavin’s lips.

Gavin’s hands gripped tighter, then moved to clutch at Connor’s broad shoulder, yanking him further down almost until the taller had to drop to his knees, one hand reaching out to support himself against the wall.

The other remained cupped around Gavin’s jaw, rubbing slowly at his prickly beard.

“God damn it.” Gavin growled into the kiss, because goddamn it. Why did he ever deny himself this? Why the fuck had he ever tried to rationalize reasons why he shouldn’t want this, shouldn’t do this? He hadn’t felt so alive in years, skin electric, heart thudding so hard he could barely hear Connor’s small breaths and throat noises and the whirring of his slightly vibrating chest, and shit he wanted to hear them all.

Hands on shoulders jerked Connor once more, now pressed tight against him, finally forcing the android to fall into him and trust the shorter of the two to support him both. He shouldn’t have, but Gavin was so glad he did.

The two didn’t have far to fall, though a bit further for the lankier, but Gavin refused to let go. He gripped him tight against him, open mouth trying to taste every inch of Connor’s lips. That warm soft tongue, slick with Gavin’s saliva, reciprocated when Gavin began teasing him with his.

He was allowed this.

Gavin wanted this, he had this.

Tenderly, Gavin moved to better support the taller, arms slowly wrapping farther around Connor’s shoulders to slowly slide across the width his back. He felt warm, but the fire was safe and gentle and there was no trace of anger or hate, and he didn’t think about who he had been or how his attraction had twisted with his disconnection, because he was connected now.

Gavin had found the piece of himself that he’d tossed away so many years ago.

“Gavin--” The two’s mouths had slowly separated, as Gavin got lost in his thoughts and in the feel of his hands against Connor’s lean back and shoulders.

“Connor.” He breathed, and using his knees to hold the both of them up, he wrapped his hands up to cradle the back of Connor’s neck and kissed him again.

“I have you.” Gavin pulled away just enough to murmur the words into Connor’s mouth, “I want you. You’re so good. You’re so good Connor, everything about you-- I want, I want it, this is what I want and I know it and you showed me, Connor.”

“Gavin…” Connor’s voice almost seemed to whine, pitched up just slightly, he had begun clinging to Gavin’s body desperately, “You make me feel-- noun, unidentified, search failed-- too much, no, so much.”

“Do you like it? Are you ok?”

“I’m going to o-overload, and I want it. I like it. Gavin. Gavin.” Connor heaved, but his smile was so broad and wet, lips glistening. Gavin wrapped his arms around his thin chest and leaned their combined lanky form back against the alley wall. “Gavin. Gavin.”

“Are you ok?” Gavin asked softly, hand rising to pet the android’s silky hair, lips almost touching Connor’s ear.

“Yes.” Connor’s breath hitch, “Ok. I am. I-It’s a lot but I-I-I-I want want want want want want want want-”

Something about the pitching, glitching word sent shivers of desire down Gavin’s spine, if only because of the heated look in Connor’s eyes as he panted the vocal loop with his lips in a half smile.

Gavin finally pulled away a little, knowing this was something Connor wasn’t quite ready for and certainly not in the dirty back alley of a bar. He couldn’t wait to see how Connor would react to true pleasure, they’d have to take it slow, but he could just imagine Connor slowly acclimating to the intense feeling Gavin was eliciting.

Gavin wasn’t afraid of these thoughts.

Gavin was happy, “Connor, you’re so--”

Connor clung to Gavin’s jacket sleeve, unwilling to let go, but eventually let Gavin separate their bodies.

“I want this.” Connor whispered, looking up at him through his eyelashes. “You have me.”

“I do.” Gavin affirmed, “God, I do.”

“Please--”

“Listen, I’m not drunk but that shot has me a little buzzed, and you’re… overloading, this is something that I--that we can figure out later. Right now I’m just… happy.”

“I’m happy.” Connor murmured, finally straightening his back a little into a more proper position, “Gavin, you make me happy.”

“You’ve done so much for me Connor, and I was such a-- I was so bad to you, back then. I was a part of your-your childhood. Your programming. You had to take that beating from me because you had to but now you’re choosing to-to care about me and trust me.”

“You’re right, I chose to. Just like I chose to feel, to wake up, to deviate. I chose you. I fought for you, against myself, against Hank, against my fucked up wiring--”

The curse startled Gavin out of his sudden guilt ridden stupor, sounding so strange and good in his voice.

“You’re not fucked up.”

“Then neither are you.”

“I-- shut up.” Gavin leaned in and gave Connor a small, brief kiss on the corner of his mouth, “Thank you, Connor. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“You sound like me.” Connor murmured, face tilted down to whisper against the skin of Gavin’s cheek, “Do you also have a glitch in your system?”

“You’re the glitch in my system, princess.”

Connor smiled into Gavin’s beard at the bad attempt at flirting, but stiffened at the sound of their names being called from around the corner, “Ah, that’s unfortunate.”

“This isn’t a one time thing, Connor.” Gavin whispered fiercely, hand gripping Connor’s hip and waist as though something was trying to steal him away, “I fought for this too, I tore myself apart and refound myself just to be able to be right here, and do exactly this.”

“From the first second you saw me, hm?” Connor murmured, “All this time?”

“There’s always been something wrong that I felt and it turned out so right.”

“The first second you saw me walk into the interrogation room.”

Their names were still being called, getting impatient. They could hear someone muttering curses.

“I was so pissed because you were so hot and smart and you would take everything from me, and you were so bitchy and it got me so bothered in so many ways.” He had to be careful, the space between them was growing unbearably hot again and someone was quickly approaching. They had to act fast.

Gavin pulled his hand up to grip Connor’s tie tight, and murmured in his ear, “This isn’t over.”

“Connor! Gavin! We know you horny sons of bitches are out there! I’m freezin’ my fuckin’ nuts off!”

“This isn’t over.” Connor confirmed, giving him one chaste, sweet last kiss before standing, helping Gavin up. “How are we doing this?”

“You walk out first and ah-- whatever, who cares, let’s just go.” Gaving grabbed Connor’s jacket, gentling pushing him ahead and letting him take the lead. Connor's fingertips brushed against Gavin's wrist, tickling him with the desire to grasp that hand and hold it, palms pressed together and fingers intertwined. Then the brief contact was over and the android was calmly walking with perfect posture out the alley entrance, and Gavin let himself follow.

“There you are. Jesus Christ, kid.” Anderson swore under his breath as he grumpily stalked towards them, an angry-distressed look on his face paired with an uncomfortable half smirk half grimace. “You fucking--”

“Not quite, Lieutenant.” Connor replied smoothly, hands fixing his jacket, “We may go back now, apologies for keeping you waiting.”

“You’re gonna be the death of me.” Anderson reached out to Connor, but halted the action halfway then shook his head in exasperation. Tina grinned from where she stood by the bar entrance, waving in delight.

Gavin offered a hesitant wave back, too full of peace to be irritated at her butting her head into his business. After all, without her, he likely never would have been able to take the step to get to where he was.

Connor hung back a moment as Hank headed back over to Tina and the bar, linking his elbow with Gavin’s as the two of them trailed after them.

Walking, the android spoke, “I was thinking, I know for a fact that you don’t do much in your off time. Most of it is spent sleeping, in fact, if my partial data is at all accurate, you likely sleep an average of four hours more than necessary.”

“I dream a lot.” Gavin grunted, “I like ‘em.”

“Perhaps, though, instead of going to bed early or sleep in late, perhaps we could attend some events or do some activities together.”

“I, uh…” He turned to glance at Connor, trying to read his face, “Like… dates?”

“Of the sort.”

“Like--like what.”

“Walks in the park, perhaps you can help me find some workshops to broaden my interests, and I’m always informed on latest news regarding all local cuisine and specials.”

“So… dates.”

“Would you like them to be?”

Gavin nodded, and opened the door for himself and Connor. The lights inside didn’t seem as harsh anymore, the stares of people didn’t burn into him, he felt (happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy).

“I--I have a lot to figure out.” Gavin said quietly as they approached the table, deaf and blind to the world outside Connor, “But I want this. I want-- I want you.”

“We’re both learning, and we’re both a little damaged. It’ll take time, but I want to spend that time with you.”

With the arm looped around Connor’s, he tucked his hand in his jacket pocket and let his fingers slide over the aged plastic of the CD case. After spending so much time refusing to think of the past and only focusing on his ambitious future, he'd forgotten to honour the people he'd been and the people he could become, and denied the patterns that had quilted his life with self hatred and loss-- he could finally appreciate the present moment, as brief as it always was, and revel in the uncertainty of the future.

He stopped just a few feet away from the table, glad to see no one had noticed them yet aside from Tina and Hank who were taking their places in their seats and pointedly not looking their way. 

Twisting, he turned to face Connor and let his arms wrap around his waist, pulling the android to him. Face against his chest, Gavin hugged him and felt lanky arms pull him tight. This was right, this was good, this was safe. He could feel Connor’s vulnerable thirium pump pressed against his chin through his shirt and synthetic skin, each thump of Connor’s electronic heart pulsing up through Gavin, the warmth of the android’s body like a blanket wrapped around him.

Against his ear to Connor's chest, he could hear steady thrumming and humming beyond his heartbeat. Sounds so quiet he almost felt like he was imagining them, but so calming and fascinating Gavin knew they were real. He could feel them in the pulsing thirium pump and the minuscule vibrations coming from the humming in Connor's body. 

Arms tightened from around his shoulders, and Connor's head rest against Gavin's, breath long and slow to match the human's breathing against his chest. Gavin's eyes slid shut.

Pulling one arm from around Connor's waist, Gavin reached to grasp one of the android's hands pressed against his back and hold it up between them, letting his thumb trail across the knuckles, "Can I see?"

Connor didn't need him to elaborate, and slowly let his synthetic skin peel back to reveal the stark white synthetic polymer of his usually hidden casing. Pulses of faintly glowing blue light could be seen between the segments of his knuckles and joints of his fingers, and Gavin had never seen anything more beautiful. Strange, surreal, magical, uncomfortable, incredible, and in all those ways, beautiful. 

What might have been hard plastic was in fact smooth and almost soft to the touch like silcone, vibrating with life and energy. White fingers moved with grace to tenderly intertwine with his, and Connor arm kept him held close against his chest. They were surrounded by people but nothing else mattered outside this embrace and this android, not at the moment. Everything Gavin had inside had dedicated itself to understanding how and why Gavin felt like he did, and now that had all culminated into this.

This was what Gavin wanted. He would dedicate all he had into this moment.

Gentless, softness, and the strength to give and receive both. The strength to hold Connor in his arms. To feel his true skin, to accept him. He understood now.

He understood everything.