Chapter Text
Just upon opening his eyes Logan knew it was going to be one of those days, he didn’t even have to get out of bed to know it. In fact, leaving the bed was the absolute last thing that he wanted to do today, the sadness that was once primarily kept in a beautiful blue wine bottle clawed savagely at his insides, like a child clawing at the pants leg of its parent demanding both their attention and time. There was no reason for him to even be sad, he was fine as of right now, Patton would even come to knock on his door in precisely ten minutes in order to ask him if he wanted to have lunch together.
That would be when love, an emotion he had primarily kept in a short square bottle would kick in and he could temporarily look past the sadness that swarmed him. For now, though, attempting to do anything up until that point felt completely useless, as the tears started to bubble up.
There’s no reason to even cry..so why am I crying? Logan viciously thought, and gripping the hem of his sheets he roughly dragged the fabric over his face wiping the warm tears away. Even now, he had no answer for that question. However, looking at the bottles that dotted his shelves, he had a feeling that the reason was in one of those bottles, that the reason for his tears was possibly locked away deep inside of them somewhere...somewhere.
He shook the thought away, as he forced his legs to get into action and even then as he shuffled through his room he moved just about as slow as a zombie. Even so, the actions that he went through felt strangely comforting and routine to him.
Brush teeth for two minutes. Brush hair and use half a tablespoon of gel in hair, make sure not a single hair is out of place. Get dressed. Casual today, Patton is the only one going to be there.
Virgil and Roman were neck deep in a complete marathon of Disney classics as well as the new ones, both attempting to one-up the other when talking about the secret or hidden messages in the movies. He was able to hear Roman’s voice from down the hall when he got a little too excited, while Virgil’s voice never got loud enough for him to outright hear. All in all, the two of them were enjoying themselves, and they certainly didn’t need to know what was happening to him.
Movement.
Logan felt his attention snap from the door to something off to his left, he’d seen it wiggle once before going completely still, but even so, it had gained his attention. It was orange, the bottle shape was short and round, like someone had taken an orange and leveled the bottom so that it wouldn’t tip over. Yet, it had wobbled like the other bottles when something was supposed to make him feel a certain way.
“Who are you then?” He mused out loud, picking it up he felt the cold and warm nature of the emotions trapped inside, and a shudder rolled through him. With so many bottles it was hard to remember which ones were which ones, there were some that he could name from the top of his head, and some...that he just couldn’t recall.
“Logie? You awake?” The enthusiastic tapping of knuckles on his door jarred him from the thoughts, and as soon as it opened revealing Patton’s adorable and yet messy bedhead a feeling of warmth engulfed Logan’s chest. Yet when Patton’s eyes trailed down to the bottle in his hands, he couldn’t help but to feel a worm of sadness eating at his heart. “What emotion is that?”
Patton made sure to keep his voice soft, as he stepped forward towards Logan. The bottle itself didn’t look like anything that important, in fact, it was small enough to fit into the palm of Logan’s hand. Its what was inside that he was both equal parts curious and concerned over.
“I don’t know…”
Just the emotion reflected in Logan’s voice gave Patton, even more, to be concerned about. He sounded almost...lost, when it came to dealing with his own emotions. As if he had already locked away so many, that he couldn’t even recognize just what they were anymore.
“Would you like to find out?” He curiously asked, stepping just a little bit closer to Logan, his fingers rested comfortingly on Logan’s forearm before he dared to give him a gentle squeeze. I’m with you, I won’t leave if you want to do this. I won’t leave if you need help. Patton wanted to tell him, but instead, he let his expression alone do all of the talking as Logan glanced over to him. Just the look in his eyes made something inside of Patton crack open like a walnut in a nutcracker.
“Yes...and no.” Logan despised how his voice quaked and judging by the pitying expression on Patton’s face, his boyfriend didn’t like it too much either. “I..don’t know what it is,” He elaborated, “It could be anything, it could be something bad, it could be something violent, and…”
Logan felt a squeeze on his arm before he looked back over to the other side.
“It scares you…” Patton slowly realized, and just from the grimace that blossomed on Logan’s face, he knew that he had answered that question right away. Exhaling a small breath, Patton gripped his arm a little tighter. “Logan…” He trailed off, before a firm expression transformed onto his face. “I’m with you, you don’t have to deal with this alone. So whatever it is, and however it effects you I’m right here, and I’m not going to leave you to do this alone.”
Staring down at the bottle, it took Logan a moment before he leaning into Patton, as his lips pressed against the moral side’s for a short yet sweet and tender moment between them before he pulled away his fingers cracking open the lid of the bottle letting the accumulated emotion inside spill out.
The reaction, from what Patton could see was almost immediate, from how Logan’s legs started to quake to how his entire expression morphed into one of pain. Reaching his hands out in order to stable Logan, the worry he felt just about tripled the moment that Logan’s legs buckled under him. Instinctively moving, he gripped his hands under the logical side’s arms to stop the painful collision of Logan’s face and the shelf. Pressing his nose into the other’s gelled back hair, he began to quickly run his hand up and down Logan’s back. In turn getting close enough to hear just what Logan was muttering to himself.
It all hit him like a wave, and not the kind of wave that would commonly be associated with a calming day at the beach either, this felt more like a tidal wave of everything that was ever wrong with him. All of the worries and all of the doubts he’d had every time one of the others had ignored his advice or unknowingly said something that had hurt his feelings. Everything that once was or had been, came back like a hammer to the face.
“What if I’m not good enough to be Logic? Would they like me better if I talked less? What if I’m just an annoyance to them. Should I just go away to make them happy? Logic isn’t supposed to have feelings, is something wrong with me? Why me?” The ramblings spilled free from his lips, just as the tears welled up behind his eyelids that were squeezed tightly shut.
These doubts were the only thing that he could focus on right now, he couldn’t feel the soothing motion of Patton’s hand and he couldn’t feel the warmth of his hug. Were these the doubts that made up everything he should worry about? He clearly wasn’t good enough, for Thomas let alone Patton either.
“I’m not good enough.” He choked on the words, as his head drooped downwards. The tears spilled over staining his cheek, as his chest heaved with the raw emotion pouring through him, he wasn’t good enough, he just wasn’t good enough. Not for Patton, and not for anybody.
“That’s enough.” An equally choked whisper broke through the tunnel of self-hatred that had entangled Logan’s mind.
Each whisper, each and every word that had spilled from Logan’s mouth felt like a dagger jutting into his chest cutting him as deeply as it could. Honestly, it felt pretty damn bad, although it was nothing in compared to the rush of tears he watched run down Logan’s face that felt so much worse than anything he’d ever gone through in his entire life. So he did the only thing that he could do right then, as he looped his arms more firmly around Logan. Giving the other no chance of escape as he held him as close as physically possible.
“Listen to me Logan,” He whispered, feeling the rough breathing that had been coming from Logan, slowly easing down. “That part of you is wrong, do you hear me? I love you, and I will always love you. Do you know how lost I..we would all be without you there? Maybe you don’t see it, or..or maybe we’ve done a poor job of reminding you of it but...you matter to us..you matter to me. You are good enough, and even if I have to tell you every single day up until the end of our existence I will. Because you’re worth it.” Sealing the deal of his words, Patton pressed a kiss again Logan’s face, a thousand kisses peppered all over the logical side’s face as if that would further cement what he had promised.
“You’re worth it.” Kiss. “I promise that you’ll always be worth it.” Another kiss.
It was almost like waking up from a horrible nightmare, he couldn’t let go of the words that he had consistently told himself over the course of years, but…
“I won’t believe myself...but I’ll believe you.” Logan’s voice cracked, and this time he didn’t care. Not as he gripped Patton tighter, and not as he sealed their lips together in a kiss that made his heart blossom with warmth.