Work Text:
It was three in the morning somewhere in the 6th ward when Kaneki was scrolling through his phone, looking through the texts Hide had sent before--everything.
He couldn't sleep. Fear haunted him, one that whispered nightmares into his ear as it caressed his cheek as Jason once did. These horrors not only imitated Jason but became him, nightmares that always, one way or another, led back to Rize.
Kaneki tiredly smiled down at the texts, but it hurt to look at them. Hide had texted him every day since he seemingly pulled a disappearing act.
They were little things, most of the time. Hide would usually send off a "Morning, Kaneki!" sometime in the morning, and send off a "Goodnight" whenever he went to sleep. Occasionally there were texts about something interesting that happened in Hide's day, and Hide would then type how he guessed Kaneki would respond. “You’d probably tell me to calm down, huh?”
He often wasn't wrong.
Kaneki never replied. Though he did leave Hide on "read" to make sure he knew he saw them.
Kaneki was afraid that once he replied, he'd never be able to resist the temptation to do so again. He wouldn't be capable of holding himself back if he got the chance to see Hide again. Still, fear haunted him, clung to him like wet clothes he could never entirely peel off.
(And even if he replied, what would he say? Reply with "good night", even though he knew he wouldn't be getting any rest until hours later, and only after a few, would wake up again? "Good morning", even though he knew Hide would be confused, why text him then? And why make no effort to see him? How could Kaneki have the audacity to respond after so long?
Bold. That was what Kaneki had to be to do that.)
Afraid. That was what Kaneki really was. So very afraid to contact him.
Cowardly and knowing, not audacious and ignorant.
It wasn't like he didn't want to--it was the opposite. He desperately wanted to. Felt the need to, even. But he knew getting into contact with Hide would just put the human in danger. And Kaneki didn't think he could stand himself if that happened, because of him.
So he clung to what little of Hide he could have so selfishly. He stuck to his texts like they were a lifeline, not that he had much will to live at the moment. But he could live for Hide, if it meant he would get to see his texts the next day.
Maybe it wasn't the healthiest reason to live--maybe it wasn't the most original. But that didn't really matter, because if Kaneki couldn't bring himself to live for his own sake, he would live for Hide until he could. It was temporary and crumbled easily--but it was something, and that was something stronger than what he lived for before. Banjou helped him realize that.
As for why it was stronger, Kaneki didn't know.
Or rather, he did. It was just... hard to admit. He had long since accepted it, but that didn't mean he was ready to tell anyone. That didn’t make it any less a secret to everyone else.
Yeah, so maybe he loved his best friend.
Tears sprung to Kaneki's eyes as he scrolled all the way to one of the last texts Hide sent him before Kaneki started pushing him away.
November 8th 14:37
< Messages Hide Details
Hide} You're gonna die alone
Kaneki sighed. At three AM, he was a mess. A tired, emotional mess. He wished Hide were there to help him feel better. But he didn't deserve it--not when he hadn't been there for Hide either.
Kaneki swallowed and read the earlier texts. God, those had been such simpler times. He wondered why it all had to go downhill since Hide thought he was in love with a girl. In love with Touka, or in love with Rize.
Yeah, Kaneki realized he was in love with someone.
But it wasn't any girl.
It was Hide.
And it killed him then to know that Hide didn't know. It killed him now. He swallowed.
He was surprised when a new text flashed across the screen. From Hide. Kaneki's heart skipped a beat as it always did when he opened it.
He rolled over on his bed, placing his phone on the pillow and wiping away the tears in his eyes so he could actually read. His room was dark, and the only light came from the glow of the screen illuminating his face.
February 3rd 3:06
< Messages Hide Details
Hide} Hey kaneki ijust watn ouy to know i mis s you
Kaneki's heart clenched as he stared down at the message. Then concern. Hide's typos were all over the place--it was messy. Hide normally wasn't too messy, maybe used a lot of slang Kaneki didn't understand, but never this bad. He furrowed his eyebrows. What was Hide doing up this late anyway?
His fingers almost--just almost brought up the keyboard, they hovered dangerously over the space where the cursor was blinking.
If only he could ask--
No. He wouldn't. He couldn't.
That was a dangerous game to play.
Soon, another text followed.
February 3rd 3:06
< Messages Hide Details
Hide} why are ouy up so lat e?
Kaneki almost smiled, but his vision blurred again. He sniffled and wiped his face with his sleeve. He couldn't text back, no matter how bad he had to answer.
Hide} ouyre probably wanna as k me teh same thign
Kaneki swallowed, biting his lip. Hide was always right. Hide could read him like a magazine, even if he weren't in front of him to observe.
Hide} plaese tellme youre saef
Oh, did he want to.
Kaneki took a deep breath as tears ran down his face. He blinked and blinked, but they just fell. His throat tightened. Suddenly the dark room seemed too big--too spacious, despite being anything but. Too ominous, too threatening, despite his prior comfort with it.
How long had Hide worried about him? How much of this pain that was evident just in his sloppy texts was caused by him? Was it really all for the better, if he was hurting so much? And Kaneki was not only the cause, but he couldn't even help Hide feel better if he stuck to his beliefs that he shouldn't reply.
Hide} imean please. your puttin me on read. i nkow you read thaem.
The half-ghoul squeezed his eyes shut, trying to strangle down the noises trying to make their way out of his throat. He opened them again after swallowing to find another text had been sent.
Hide} kaneji i want you to knowwq somethhing
It was taking everything he had not to ask what. It took everything and more to simply ignore the texts when Hide was clearly so distraught, in such a harrowing text message--
Hide} i want ouy to knoe i knoww
A sob escaped, but Kaneki placed a hand over his mouth and bit his tongue. Dammit.
What did Hide know?
Hide} ands its ok, okj??
Kaneki wiped his face again, letting the phone go. It hit the ground with a dull, soft thump after sliding off his bed. His sheets were tangled from rolling around so much earlier, and it was all just a mess, really.
He tried to muffle his cries with his hand over his mouth, but it didn't do any good when the next text sent.
Hide} iknow youer a gouhl and ist ok
i love yuo
Kaneki picked up his phone. He sat up, cradling the device in his lap as a teardrop fell onto the screen, blurring the text.
His hands were trembling as he brought the keyboard up.
He stopped himself. Was Hide just sleep deprived? Yes, that made more sense, even though it actually didn't when put into perspective.
But how much had changed since Kaneki left?
He couldn't really know, outside of what Hide told him. And it was so unlike Hide to even talk about his problems in the first place. Kaneki was barely aware he had two adoptive fathers before high school.
But that wasn't what most concerned him at the moment.
Tears continued to drip down his face and wet the screen. He hiccuped and wiped his face again.
His keyboard was staring back at him, tempting, urging. Compelling.
Kaneki refused to allow his fingers to move.
How did Hide know he was a ghoul? Was it his bad acting? Had someone told him?
It was more likely he figured it out himself. Hide was always so observant, eerily so, and it wouldn't be too much of a stretch.
Kaneki wanted to shrivel up and die at that moment as he only cried harder.
Hide knew. Hide knew, and for how long? Didn't he know that knowing could put him in danger? In trouble, even? Especially if Hide didn't report him to the CCG...
Hide} imiss yuo
Kaneki could barely read what it said.
Hide} pls reply
Kaneki sniffed. the tears kept coming.
Hide} fsjreally i need to knowww yuoer safe
He gripped the phone tightly with his trembling hands, afraid that if he loosened his grip, he would drop the phone and it would turn out he had dreamed up all the texts. They weren't real, couldn't be real.
I love you.
He didn't want that to be a dream, no matter how pitiful and desperate the other texts were.
It was such a cruel thing. Hide could be so cruel without realizing it.
He didn't trust himself to reply anyway, not when his hands were shaking so badly.
Hide} tllme youre safe
pls mi so oworrid
reply
with anygin, idc, just rply
Hide} lte me knoww fjyour alive outied ofre afd
Kaneki didn't really understand the last few texts, but he didn't need to read a coherent sentence to know what Hide meant. He could take a hint sometimes. Kaneki let out a shaky breath, not that it did anything to calm him.
Because at three in the morning, Kaneki couldn't by anything more than a mess. An emotional, crying mess.
Because Hide was there. Hide was on the other end of the texts. He was sending them to Kaneki. He was communicating with him, albeit one-sided. He was reaching out.
So who was Kaneki to swat his hand away?
Hide was reaching out, he needed him (Wasn’t that what Kaneki wanted? For someone to need him? No, he realized, not when he knew the reason why), and Kaneki would be damned if he didn't take his hand to pull him back up.
But the question returned. What would he say?
Kaneki curled up on his bed, his phone held near his face, staring at the screen as more tears leaked from his aching eyes.
February 3rd 3:14
< Messages Hide Details
Kaneki} I love you
Kaneki sent the text before he could think about what he was doing--think about the consequences of his actions--
February 3rd 3:15
< Messages Hide Details
Hide} i love you ttoo man htanks
Kaneki didn't try to stop his renewed sobs as his hands clutched the bedding, even though he didn’t want to wake Hinami up with the noise.
He was smiling this time. Through his tears, he gave the first genuine smile he had given in a long time. After all, what else could he be other than a mess?
At three in the morning, somewhere in the 6th ward, a shaking hand hovered over the call button.