Chapter Text
THE KORGNOS FIC - METAMORPHIC LOVE
Loki's neck cracked underneath his hand, and Thanos allowed himself a smirk. It had been a long day already; massacring the remains of a highly-advanced civilization wasn't easy, and beating not only his meat, but also his kidnapped daughter, so he was feeling pretty satisfied with this outcome. He watched as Ebony Maw fucked the King of Asgard. Without anything to channel his power, he was as useless of a lesbian named Nebula.
"Let's get out of here," he said then, stretching. The Black Order closed in around him, and he was about to use the Space Stone to skedaddle out of there when a rock hit him in the head.
What the FUCK, Thanos thought in his native language. He thought he'd killed everyone in the ship. He turned around just to see a pile of Homosexual rocks.
He looked around again. Someone had actually thrown a rock at him! What the actual fuck. Didn't they see how broken he is? Like, he'd literally just killed two gods. Whoever did this certainly had a death wish. Because, you know, Thanos was Suicidal, so he was the victim of everything.
And then the pile of rocks moved. Oh Shit.
"You Killed The Lord Of Thunder," it wept in a strange accent. It seemed humanoid now, and it had no weapons on itself (besides, well, being made of rocks).
Now, Thanos isn't a sentimentalist. He'll do what needs to be done. And right now? He had to kill this fool and keep going. The universe wouldn't just save itself from destruction, and this rock guy was standing in between him and his goal.
But when he looked into his tear-filled eyes, Thanos just couldn't look away. The teardrops in his pupils reminded him of a past he didn't wish to discuss.
He knew his children were watching, eyes sharp and teeth bared. So he waved his hand at the stranger, the Space Stone glowing blue, and pulled him towards the group. "We'wer twaking him in uwu," he said, "for intewwogation puwpawses (◡‿◡✿)."
And then he knocked him out cold. When he hit the floor, his skull cracked and he had both internal and external bleeding. He slept it off, though. Korg passed out bc thanos was too fucking [redacted].
---
Korg's stay in the Sanctuary II was... interesting.
Thanos was by his cell almost every day. Which, well, only made Korg want to kill him more, because, y'know, Psychopathy 'n' shit. Dude had killed his best friend (or friends; he didn't know if Miek, his personal Homosexual dildo, had made it, as he'd escaped with Brunnhilde and the other gladiators) and then kidnapped him.
And he seriously tried to talk with him? For some reason? Korg was pretty sure it was for information; his allspeak was a bit rusty, and his universal translator had been damaged during the attack. But the way the guy looked at him rubbed him off the wrong way. Like he was in love with him or something. "Caww me by wour name and I’ww caww you by mine," Thanos said.
And that didn't make him breathless for a moment. That such a purple, powerful, manly, and purple being was interested in him really rocked his rocks, really grinded his gravel, really bashed his boulders.
But like we established earlier: probably only for information. And so Korg didn't speak back, no matter what flirt Thanos sent his way, because he wasn't about to get his heart broken twice in one week.
He thought of Thor, his pretty eye and warm smile, and his soul ached for his very first crush, who was now very dead. Thor was the light in his life, and distracted him from his need to kill everyone inhabiting the universe in cold blood. Thor was his therapist, and he was only sane when he was with Thor. He was fearless and crazier than him. He was his qween , and God help anyone who dared to disrespect his qween .
—
Thor, who was not dead at all, woke up with a start.
"What the FUCK," he yelled, in his native Asgardian language, because he doesn't know what indoor voices are. He pulled a poptart out of his crotch and started eating, getting crumbs in his straight black shoulder length hair. Loki was there also, rolling his eyes and painting some girl's nails black while MCR blasted in the background. Loki spilled some nail polish on his fishnets. He cried and cut himself.
"Oh hey Thor," some dude in a leather jacket said. He kinda looked like a less attractive Chris Pratt. Hopefully he was less conservative too. "I hate your haircut. What are you, some dumb prep?"
"I hate your haircut also," said Loki, in his native Asgardian language, who was now applying emo makeup onto his face. "I just didn't say it because you were finally going goth and I didn't wanna jinx it, you preppy fucker."
"Excuse you, but I am no longer Thor," Thor, or, well, Not Thor, said, "I am Vampire now."
"Holy fucking shit," Chris Pratt said.
"Well this is awkward," said the now Punk Girl. "I'm Gamora," she said, pulling a sword out of nowhere. "This is my girlfriend, Sword. And that is my boyfriend, Chris Prep, also known as Starlord, or Future Dumbass."
"Why that last one?," Vampire asked dumbly.
"His mom thought he'd ruin something important. Something, like, half the universe depended on. I guess she was wrong."
"Bitch," Chris Prep said. His vintage Zune started playing Despacito unironically. Loki cried, as it was too mainstream for him. He was surrounded by a bunch of fucking preps and fake emos. He applied another cut to his veins. He died from blood loss.
"Fuck off, Loki, you're not even a real emo." Gamora was on fire. "You haven't even heard the whole Black Parade album, you poser."
"Shut up, you prep," he yelled back. "You could have been Emo but went Prep. Unlike you, I listen to the Black Parade without G note warning"
"Fuck you," Lesbian said, "I listened to the new Twenty Pilot song the day it was released."
"I stanned Tyler since the fucking taco song."
"Shit, man," Gamlesbian said.
"Vampire, we're gonna help you rescue Korg," said Mantis, who until then had been ignored and slept on. She was thirsty for her girlfriend.
"Who?"
"Your rock fuckbuddy."
"Oh, I don't know him. I suddenly can't read."
"Vampire this is a verbal conversation."
"I've never met this 'Korg' you speak of," said Vampire, sitting on a chair, right over Loki's favorite Sleeping With Sirens shirt. It was crinkled now. Ruined. Loki glared at his brother. Not only was he faking amnesia, he also ruined his shirt. Fucking jock bro. Fake fucking emo. “Loki probably vored it,” he added, and Loki almost chugged down a bottle of bleach when he fucking heard it.
"Well, it doesn't matter, because we have to rescue him." Gamora was getting pretty pissy. "He's with my daddy."
"Look, Gam, if it's like a sexual jealousy thing..."
"Vampire," Loki rolled his eyes for the 3000th time that evening, because he's edgy and emo and hates authority, "not everything is a sex joke."
"It could be."
"I swear to Gerard Way you never grew up from being a middle schooler."
"Says the emo who cried over MCR splitting."
"I Was Emo tional Okay. You wouldn't understand, you fucking fake emo jock prep top straight cishet daddy waddy toppy woppy."
"please shut the fuck up," Vampire interrupted.
"Can you two stop?" Both gods stared at Gamora. Chris Ratt coughed. "As I was saying, my daddy, Thanos, has Korg."
"Besides the very obvious sexual undertones—"
" Vampire. "
"—why is it so important that we rescue Korg?"
"Because, Vampire , my daddy has a fucking harem. Also he wants to destroy half the universe, whoop."
"See That's Important. Why Didn't You Say So Before."
"Because I was making out with Mantis," Gamora said.
"No she wasn't," Mantis chimed in, but she was slept on once again. What is she, a fucking bed to you guys? She deserves better than this. I expect at least ten fics focusing on Mantis after this chapter gets released.
"Very well then," Loki said, "let's rescue your rock bitch."
Everyone stood up and left to set their course: Thanos' mothership. Mantis followed, grumbling to herself. "One day," she said. "One day I'm gonna get my own ball-slapping fine-ass smoking hot emo goth chick," she said in her native language. She was slept on again.
---
Thanos and Korg are getting married now.
The sun was shining bright as the rays bounced off Thanos’ bald head. The waves crashed onto the shore with a peaceful WOOSH . The Black Parade played in the background; it was Gerard Way himself.
Suddenly, a ship crashed into the ground. It was the Guardians’ ship! :0
The Guardians came out of the ship, except Mantis, who was being slept on, and Drax, maybe. I can’t tell, he’s invisible.
It was the wedding, now. T*ny Fucking Stark was the priest or whatever it's fucking called. "Do you take this rock to be your lawfully wedded husband?" He said in his native Capitalist language.
"I do uwu," Thotnos said, a sexy smile curling on his lips. Korg gulped down the lump in his throat. T*ny couldn't see the evil smile, though, for his rainbow shades and sheer homosexuality made him blind. Since he's disabled now, he will be slept upon, too, just like his best friend and boyfriend Rhodey Rhodes.
Rocket Raccoon stepped out of the ship. "What kind of Homosexual bull shit is going on here."
"Are you another fucking prep?" Loki hissed, her tears ruining his mascara as their cheeks became wet with his tears.
"No what the fuck i'm Me," Rocket said. punk pop music started playing in the background of the ship as a cishet white male director called a cut on the Homo scene.
"What the fuck," Loki said, "You’re so fucking weird." Loki decided to vore Rocket, because being an emo furry does that to you.
“Vore me again you fucking emo bitch!!” Rocket’s disembodied voice shrieked. The only people who were upset were the local furries.
Anyway Mantis and Nebula, who’s the universal token lesbians and raging homosexuals, began making out and groping each other and stealing the spotlight, because they’re Lesbians and that’s what they do. Every cishet white male in the audience instantly became horny because that's what all lesbians are worth for. The nutted men nuuted it was that hot.
Gamora chimed in with a “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?”
Loki started crying. He cut himself double times. "The broom’s purple gride is a whore…………………"
Bruce Banner walked in and fucking killed everyone in the room, including himself. His last words were “I hate this fucking family.” he said in his native Slept On Not Straight Friendzoned Scientist Language but everyone was Homosexual ALSO and couldn’t understand italics.
He then made out with his boyfriend, Vampire Odinson, and every 12 y/o straight girl in the audience wrote yaoi fiction about it.
Peter Parker walked in and saw all the dead bodies hit the floor, including two of which who were making out I guess. “What the Duck,” he said. Then he saw Mr. Snark’s lifeless corpse laying on the ground ”MR STARK DOESN’T FEEL SO GOOD!”
He died. Tony cancelled the wedding to kill everybody in the room. He then made out with his two boyfriends, Rhodey and Stephen, and his girlfriend, Pepper. Stephen, Rhodey, and Pepper all had an jealousy and rivalry toward each other. They then had a sexy sexsex.
Korg and Thanos lived happily ever after in a faraway swamp. Heimdall got married to Miek in a Traditional Hispanic Wedding with his cousin La Valquiria , who was a filthy Bisexual. They spoke in Spanish and danced Salsa all night until they fucking perished. And Vampire, Gamora And Loki? They went to the MCR reunion. They cried.
Mantis And Nebula got married too. Their wedding was better.
Antoni From Queer Eye (2018) is not Scott and Thanos' sex toy. He's a good boy and doesn't deserve this kind of treatment.
i made a copy of the unedited version fyi