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You're a Beautiful Thing
It was a lazy Saturday afternoon and Magnus and Alec were sprawled on the couch in Magnus's loft. Magnus's fingers were gently combing through Alec's hair, his Shadowhuter's back pressed snuggly against his chest as they reclined. Magnus was telling a story, one of the many from his past. This one was about his mother, brought on by a question from Alec. The story had started out light enough, even silly really, the pair of them giggling, but Magnus suddenly stopped short when he thought of what her life had become later on. What his life had become.
“What's wrong?” Alec asked at the sudden halt of the story, turning to look at Magnus over his shoulder.
“...It's nothing,” the Warlock replied rather unconvincingly.
But it wasn't nothing. It was definitely something. The Warlock was torn.
Magnus loved Alec, this boy whose body was currently fitted perfectly into the side of his own. He loved Alec with all of his being. Dammit, he loved Alec with all of his being AND all of Chairman Meow's being. They had now been together for six chaotic, blissful months and, while Alec had been incredibly patient and understanding about Magnus's hesitance to share aspects of himself, he could tell that the Shadowhunter craved more knowledge of him, more insight into his past. After all, Magnus did have a lot more “past” that most people. And he wanted to give it to Alec. He really did.
Magnus recognized and cherished the fact that Alec had revealed all of himself to the Warlock, in every way possible. And that nakedness had allowed Magnus to feel confident that, even after this short time together, he truly and deeply knew this boy wrapped in his arms. And Magnus wanted Alec to feel that way too, totally and completely. But he kept stopping himself.
It's not that he was afraid to tell Alec of his past really. Like he said, he knew every inch of his Shadowhunter inside and out, recognized every ray of love in his unwavering gaze, freely abundantly given like sunshine on a cloudless day. Even if he momentarily worried – and really, sometimes a freewheeling bisexual warlock had to give into his dramatic tendencies – deep down he knew that his Alexander wasn't going anywhere. No, that wasn't the problem.
The problem was that Magnus's past was filled with many dark moments, far darker than the darkest moments of Alexander's past and far darker than anything he wanted his kind, loving Alexander to ever have to think about. Those dark moments sometimes rose up unexpectedly to burden Magnus, inescapable still after all these years, and, while he had grown to live with that, he didn't want Alexander to have to learn to do the same. His Alexander only had one life to live and he wanted to make every moment, every memory he could, a happy one.
Magnus plastered what he hoped was a reassuring smile on his face and swallowed down his sudden sadness and his memories, both seemingly more and more difficult to suppress each time Alec asked about them, threatening to rise again like bile and escape his lips once and for all.
As if Alec could read his thoughts, as always, he fully turned himself to face his warlock. “When are you going to learn?” Alec asked, raising his hand to hold Magnus's cheek as if it were something sacred. “I'm always happy to listen to you, even when you say unhappy things.”
That's all Alec said, no more and no less, but it changed something in Magnus. The words hit him like a brick and he let out a sudden breath on impact, his high walls beginning to crumble. How did Alec do that? How did Alec always know what he needed but didn't allow himself to have? How did Alec's needs always seem to be for Magnus to meet his own? How did he say such profound things so casually, as if they were that simple?
Feeling the warmth of his Alexander seep into him, he allowed himself to think for the first time that, perhaps, they were.
So, Magnus took a deep breath and did as Alec said, as Alec craved. He opened his mouth and this time, when the words rose to his lips, he didn't swallow them back, even the unhappy ones. He let them pour out in a torrent and, looking into the eyes of the man he loved, he wondered in awe how he had ever been capable of holding anything back from that hungry, loving gaze. This time, he revealed all of himself to Alec, not just the story he had been telling. No, this time he told him everything, the good and the bad alike.
He told Alec about his mother, how hard she had tried to love him and how much she meant to him. How she would flinch at the sight of his eyes and yet never look away. How he could often hear her crying, asking any God or ancestor who would listen to either heal her child or save her from him. He told about how, yet, when tears of his own flowed from his eyes, whether the result of a fall, a nightmare, or overhearing her sorrow, she never hesitated to hold him to her chest until his eyes grew dry and his heartbeat matched her own. He told of how much it hurt him that he couldn't remember her heartbeat anymore. How he could still remember that day when he found her and realized that the only heart that had ever comforted him would never beat again.
And yet, Magnus's own life had continued on and, against all odds, filled with more happiness that any one person should be allowed, even if that person did happen to have an infinite number of lifetimes.
Alec listened with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye as Magnus recounted his adventures in London, his life forever changed for the better by the people he met there. He told of the witty and passionate William Herondale, the gentle and loyal James Carstairs, and, his friend to this day, the wise and loving Tessa Gray. He told of the love he witnessed between the three of them, unlike any he had seen before, and how happy he had felt to hold the physical manifestations of that love, Will and Tessa's children. He told of how Will, stuck in a time of such hatred and distrust towards Downworlders, had spoken fondly of Magnus to anyone who would listen, defending him until his dying day. He told of how he wished Will hadn't had a dying day.
He laughed as he told of his adventures with his two greatest friends, Catarina Loss and Ragnor Fell, and Alec laughed along with him. The sound was heavenly, warming Magnus's heart and spurring him on. He swore Alec to secrecy as he told of how he got himself and Ragnor banned from Peru. He told profound tales of Ragnor's grumpiness. He told even more profound tales of Ragnor's friendship. He told of how profoundly he missed him.
The stories of his life had been suppressed for far too long and demanded to be told, flowing from his lips like waves on the sea, full of ups and downs. Magnus had feared for so long that the steep drops of these waves would plunge his Shadowhunter into their depths, gasping for air like Magnus often found himself. But as he looked at Alexander, his eyes unfocused as he pictured the scenarios Magnus described, a thoughtful smile playing on his lips as he waited for more, Magnus realized he had had it all wrong. His Shadowhunter wouldn't sink with him. No, feeling the tightness in his chest release as Alec bore witness to his burdens and lifted them from him, Magnus finally understood: together they would float. Together they would fly. And so he continued.
He told of the life he created for himself in New York City. He told of Raphael Santiago, the infinitely sarcastic young boy whose life was ended and yet was now facing an endless un-lifetime ahead. He told of how Raphael rejected his help even though it was clear he needed it, even though he was just a boy. He told of how he saw himself in that boy, scared, alone, and in need of a friend. He told of how Raphael tried to push him away time and time again until one day he didn't. Until one day they really were friends. Until one day they were family.
He told Alec about the young redhead who appeared at his door in the middle of the night. He told of how he was about to turn her away when a street lamp illuminated the sleeping child in her arms, her own red tufts of hair peeking out of the blanket that protected her from the chill in the night air. He told of how happy he was that he decided to invite those strangers in to his loft and into his life. He told of his joy in watching the little girl grow, even though he knew she would never remember their time together. He told of how he would remember that time always. He told of how he loved calling her Biscuit.
Finally, meeting Alec's loving gaze with his own, he told of the most important moment of his very long life.
“I've lived for so many centuries,” he began, “And yet it wasn't until I met you, Alexander, that I truly felt alive.”
Holding Alec's hand tightly in his own, he told of every life-changing moment with his Alexander.
He told of how his breath caught in his throat when he saw Alec for the first time at his loft party. How he still remembered exactly what Alec had been wearing and how it still drove him wild. He told of how desperately he had wanted to reach out and sweep Alec's shaggy black hair from his face to better view his piercing blue eyes. He told of how in love with Alec he already was by the end of their first date, after Alec stood up for him, a warlock, at Taki's without a second thought and assisted him in saving and protecting a Downworlder in need. He told of how the happiest day of his life was when Alec, looking happier and lighter than he had ever seen him before, accepted his love and returned it in kind. He told of how every day since then, Magnus had felt more happiness and lightness than ever before too. He told of how every negative moment he had endured as a result of being a Warlock had been worth it, and welcomed even, because being a Warlock meant that he had had the privilege of living long enough to meet this man in front of him. He told of how he would gladly endure countless lifetimes of hardship for just one lifetime of happiness with his Alexander. His Alexander. He told of how much he loved the sound of that.
And then he couldn't tell any more because his lips were covered with Alec's own. So much love was poured into that kiss. It was as if Alec was trying to tell stories of his own through the press of his lips against Magnus's, a morse code of their own design. A much better morse code, in Magnus's opinion.
Suddenly they were sitting up, Magnus sat properly on the couch, holding Alec tight as the Shadowhunter straddled his lap. Their bodies were pressed flush together, their tongues wrapped around each other in invitation of something more, until it was impossible to tell where one man ended and the other began. If Magnus had any brain function left at that point, he would have considered whether it was possible for life to get better than this. With his Alexander, he should have known the answer would always be yes.
“I love you,” Alec finally said as he pulled back and pressed his forehead to Magnus's, both gasping for air. “I love every lifetime of you. I love your eyes, your real, that are as magical as you. I love the smiles that came before me and the smiles I get to share with you now, ones that I sometimes even create. I love the strength you found in others and in yourself. I love how you used that strength to love me even when I didn't love myself, how you loved me even when I was terrified to love you. I know you're haunted by some of the bad things you've done in your life, but there is nothing bad about you. Your past and the people in it have made you who you are. And who you are, Magnus Bane, is the most devastatingly beautiful thing I have ever seen.”
There were no words to describe how profoundly Magnus loved this boy before him. No words at all. So he didn't search for them. Instead, he danced his fingertips across his Shadowhunter's cheek, making sure this boy before him, too good for him and surely too good for this world, was somehow real, and firmly pressed his lips back to Alec's where he wanted them to remain always. And suddenly it felt okay that he couldn't remember the beat of his mother's heart because, their chests pressed tightly together, Magnus could feel the beat of Alexander's. And their hearts beat together, too. Even more so, their hearts beat for each other. And he would always remember that.
And, in the back of Alec's mind, as he tangled himself in man he loved, the man he intended to spend his one lifetime with, he couldn't help but think that it filled his heart with happiness to know that someday, when he was part of Magnus's past too, that Magnus would tell the stories of moments like this to the love of his next life. That even when Magnus found new happiness and became someone else's, he would forever and always be Magnus's Alexander. And as he sank, mind, soul, and body, into the beautiful man below him, both men thought, “I'm so lucky to be yours. This is a beautiful thing and so are you.”