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Hide didn’t know what to expect when Kaneki said he had a surprise--but he wasn’t expecting this.
Hide stared at the two small boxes in the half-ghoul’s arms with a mild curiosity.
“What’s in them?” Hide asked.
Kaneki licked his lips before setting them down between the two. “I just--These are from a while ago… And I never had the courage to… to give them to you,” he said nervously.
Hide raised his eyebrows as he stared down at them before looking up to the white-haired man. “Ken, are you giving me two whole boxes of nudes?” he asked.
Kaneki spluttered. “I-- What? ”
“I’m joking, I’m joking!” the blond laughed at his expression. “But really, what’s in these?”
Kaneki sighed through his nose and looked down, face still a bit red. “You know, I don’t think this was such a good idea--”
“Nooo, Ken!” He grabbed Kaneki’s wrist. “It’s too late now. So really, what’s in here?”
He gave another long sigh, fidgeting nervously. “Just things I’ve… never sent to you…”
The blond stared down at the boxes again. They were small and brown and didn’t look particularly heavy. He crouched down next to them, glancing up at Kaneki. “Can I open them?”
Kaneki gave a small nod, not quite meeting his gaze.
The box wasn’t sealed shut, but the flaps were held down from weight pressing on them over time. He had to dust off the top of the box as he vaguely wondered how old they were. When he opened them, he found stacks of envelopes. If he had to guess, there might’ve been twenty at the most.
Hide, yet again, looked to his lover. Kaneki was looking to the side, completely avoiding his gaze. Since Kaneki wasn’t saying anything, the blond reached into the first box and took out the envelope labeled “one”.
He didn’t know what to expect--but he found a letter addressed to him inside.
Dear Hide,
Do you remember when it snowed?
It’s snowing now over here; I hope it’s nicer where you are. I can’t help but think of you when it snows.
I remember being in middle school, and it snowed while we had classes. When school ended that day, I remember you taking the time to walk to my house, the snow crunching beneath our feet. I remember how you had a thing against shoes back then, and you refused to wear them except when you needed to, so you walked barefoot that day. I remember you making unpleasant faces with every step as I told you to just put on your shoes or you’d get frostbite
You were so stubborn. You still are.
Every time I tried to get you to put your shoes back on, you would smile at me and tell me not to worry. But when you paused to look up at the sky, watching the snowflakes fall, the unpleasant expressions stopped, even though your feet were freezing and the bottom of your pants were wet. It was replaced with something I can’t name.
I remember thinking that you belonged in the snow, despite how much I associate you with sunshine.
I wondered if I belonged there too. Not in the snow, but at your side.
I may have fallen in love a little bit then.
I love you.
Love,
Kaneki
Hide had to reread it, glancing up to a bashful, embarrassed Kaneki. His boyfriend still wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“Ken…” he said softly, a smile forming on his face. “Are all of these…?”
Kaneki gave another small nod.
Hide let out a short breath, setting down the first letter as if it were fragile glass. He treated the next letter (labeled “two”) with the same care, fingers gently unfolding the paper inside the envelope.
Dear Hide,
Do you remember when it snowed?
I wondered if I could be by your side--and I thought I fell in love. I can’t help but wonder if I fell or if I was shoved. I don’t know what would have pushed me. Some omnipotent deity? I’m not sure. Either way, it wasn’t a choice. I tripped on that moment and fell for you--or did someone trip me?
It’s still snowing here, and I can’t stop thinking about you.
Do you remember that time in the snow when one of your fathers thought it would be a good idea to go ice skating on a lake? You were so excited, so warm, and I remember thinking that your smile could melt the ice if you tried hard enough.
There was someone’s pet rabbit that escaped--your fathers warned us not to go over there where the ice was thinner, but when you saw the collar, you clumsily skated over toward it, slipping and scrambling all the way. It hopped away from you before you actually fell.
I remembered hearing a crash, and something that sounded like when you dropped a pebble into a stream, only a hundred times amplified.
Your fathers were quick to get you out--but you still scared me.
I loved you. I still love you. I love you more than you knew, probably more than I knew. I was terrified, you know. I was scared of the snow, scared of losing you.
I told myself I would hate snow, hate rabbits, hate whatever would come and take you away. I hated myself, too.
Do you hate me, Hide?
Love,
Kaneki
Hide remembered.
Hide remembered when it snowed.
He couldn’t say anything as he looked to Kaneki, who was still awkward and blushing. How could Kaneki ever think that? He loved him more than anything. He silently stared down at the paper, tears forming in his eyes. He took in a shaky breath as he pulled out the third. The corner was torn and there was a bloody, smudged fingerprint that had long since dried at the bottom of the page.
Dear Hide,
I remember when it snowed.
I miss you. I’m sitting outside our house in the 6th ward, watching the snow. It makes me think of you.
And it makes me smile, too.
I think I love the snow because of you. Because I love you.
Love,
Kaneki
A tear streak became visible on Hide’s face as he smiled softly. There were no dates on the papers--but he knew just when Kaneki would’ve written the letter. When he disappeared. Hide remembered missing the half-ghoul too.
The snow also reminded Hide of Kaneki, but for different reasons.
Hide wordlessly opened the next.
Dear Hide,
I remember when it snowed.
I remember when I almost lost you because of that stupid rabbit. I could remember wondering, that though I wasn’t the one who had fallen through the ice, if my fear was a little like what drowning would feel like.
Last night I dreamed I was out in the ocean, floating on a tiny piece of cardboard. I was paddling, looking for something, but I didn’t know what.
Suddenly you were in the ocean, walking effortlessly on the water, while I sank. You reached out for me and said, “Welcome home, buddy.”
I realized I was searching for home.
I woke up then, and as I write this, a letter you’ll probably never see, I’ve realized one thing: I was searching for you. Because you were my home.
I miss you and love you more than you know, Nagachika Hideyoshi.
Love,
Kaneki
A tear fell and stained the paper. He set it down to wipe them away. He didn’t know when Kaneki had crouched beside him, gently rubbing his back, but he appreciated it. A goofy smile inched its way onto Hide’s face against his will as he leaned into the ghoul’s embrace.
“God--Ken…” Hide trailed off, still grinning stupidly. “That was so sweet, you dork.”
Kaneki softly chuckled from beside him.
“I love you too, man. I love you so, so much, and I wish you knew it then,” Hide sighed.
The white-haired man hummed. “Now I do, Hide. Now I do.”
Hide pulled him closer, arms snaking around him as they sat there, on the floor, next to the boxes and discarded letters.
He reached for the next one.
Dear Hide,
I think I’m starting to understand the phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. I always thought the phrase was ridiculous, after all, how could you love someone for leaving you? And then I realized it’s not leaving that they love someone for.
It’s realizing how much of an impact they had on your life. The thing you only notice when they’re gone.
But I don’t think it makes the heart grow fonder. I think I was always as fond of you as I am now. I just never noticed it because its ache was always soothed by your presence, until it’s not now.
Or maybe it has, I don’t know.
I had a dream that I was in an ocean, again. But this time I was on a boat with you.
I wasn’t searching for anything. I was happy where I was. I think, in some weird way, the boat was actually also you. You were keeping me afloat in that endless, cold sea. It’s not something I can explain--just something I can tell you, you know? Weird dream logic.
The sun gazed gently down on us. It was warming, but not overwhelming. I think, in the same strange logic, it was also you. The sun chased away my shadows, leaving them far behind me. As much as it was the center of my universe, it was also what allowed me to live. They say we're made of stardust, of elements supernovas fuse when they explode. I'm starting to think it's true both physically and metaphorically.
I think I knew, even then, that the sun had to set eventually.
Am I selfish to not want it to?
I love you. You’re all I can think about as it snows, as I dream. I’ve written to you at least once every day now, it’s almost excessive.
Love,
Kaneki
Hide wiped more tears away as Kaneki’s embrace tightened as he read over his shoulder.
“Ken…” was all he could say.
Kaneki shushed him as Hide hugged him back fiercely. “You idiot. You sappy, philosophical idiot.” The blond drew away to peck Kaneki on the lips before going back to hugging him.
“I know, Hide. I know,” Kaneki whispered as he thumbed away Hide’s tears.
"I love you, Ken," he said softly. He wanted Kaneki to know that, and he would repeat it as many times as necessary to banish any doubt.
"I love you too, Hide."
Hide looked over at the envelopes. He knew he was going to read every single one of them.