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Her head on his chest, Makoto heard Ren's relaxed heartbeat.
"Do you think we'll be together forever?"
She felt him stroke her hair. Nibble her ear, too, with his fingers.
"I hope so. I'm committed."
She smiled at that. His heartbeat also may have sped up a little.
"Why do you ask?"
"I was just wondering... It's been five years now since my father died."
"Yes?"
"And..." Makoto didn't feel sure how to continue - or if she wanted to continue at all. It was a difficult subject and one that her heart maybe wasn't ready to handle yet. Even now. Even with him. True, they had talked about her father earlier, but there was some hidden depth of the longing that still hurt too much.
Maybe it was his heartbeat, now. Maybe she was overthinking it... But she was definitely scared.
"You're sweating, Makoto."
She was?
"You're squeezing my arm. What's wrong?"
Would his heart beat the next second, too?
"Ren, I'm... I'm scared of losing you."
There was honest surprise in his voice. "What? I have no intention of going anywhere. Here's where I like it the best."
"But what if... y-you suddenly die?"
"I'm sure that won't happen." His response came out too fast. It felt like a stock response - and it felt dishonest, too.
"You know those things happen. My father died, too."
Ren put in a joke. "I almost died, too." And it hurt. She raised her head from his chest.
"I remember that." She had the glare in her eyes now, staring Ren right in the face. "You think I wouldn't?"
Ren was smiling. He hadn't been expecting this kind of conversation now. His smirk was often effective - but not now.
"That was a plot on your life. That we managed by skill and luck. But what if a car runs over you? If I get a disease and die? Anything can happen."
"Makoto... there's panic in your voice."
"It's not...!" Was there?
"Come here."
"I don't want to", she said, and backed off from the bed.
She wasn't sure where this was coming from. His heartbeat had felt so comforting. The warmth of his chest had as well. She still loved to hear him speak.
"I'm sorry", Ren said. "I didn't take you seriously enough, did I?"
"No, you didn't!" Her own emotionality surprised her. She had gotten a lot better at these things lately. And this was something that mattered to her.
"I'm talking about my father's death here! About my death! Yours! Anyone's! Any one of us could die at any moment."
Ren gained composure. He hadn't been prepared for this conversation and had tried to wrongly lighten up the mood. Now he sat up straight and looked her in the eye. Makoto had left a silence in the air and Ren let it continue for a few heartbeats.
"Do you still have something to say?" he asked.
Makoto felt her own heart pounding in her ears, her breath jailed in her chest.
"I-I... I don't..." Tremor in her voice. "I don't know", she said, and burst into tears.
It hurt now. She often cried, but only tears of relief. True pain, crying over something you want to keep hidden and forgotten, but that's forcing itself into your soul - that was what she wasn't used to. That pain was tearing out of its prison, thrusting its talons into her heart, filling her soul with anguish and a screech in her ears.
Ren was saying something and she couldn't make out what it was. She couldn't make out anything. Her vision was a blur, from all the tears, and her cheeks were burning. She breathed hot air, a corrosive gas. Standing up straight was all she could do until she failed that, too, and she fell on the bed. Ren was there to catch her.
"I'm terribly sorry", was the first thing she could understand. Ren apologizing. Stroking her hair. Saying shhh.
Heartbeats rolled past, like a train of old, pumping fuel and making an awful racket. She wanted to speak but her face felt swollen.
"W-what if..."
"Shh, love. Shh."
"W-whh... No! I wa- I need-"
"Shh."
More tears, crying, wailing.
Safe arms around her. Whatever death held in store, it wouldn't come now. Not at this second. Not this minute, even if her heart did overexert itself just a little.
She was back on the bed, in his arms, sobbing. Some minutes went by, during which his hands made nice, comforting movements on her head and on her back. His fingers rubbed into some neck pains. He wiped away tears.
Until finally: "Ren... Have you ever thought about growing old?"
"Sometimes."
"Have you thought of us getting old? Together?"
"I have." She didn't see him talk, but she knew he was smiling. His voice was confident and warm.
"I'm... thinking of what we're like then. And... who's the first to die."
"Don't you think that's a bit too soon?" Before Makoto had time to react, he corrected himself. "I'm sorry. That was out of line. Of course you'd think that."
Her heart subdued the surge of pain that was about to come out. She breathed in, felt the relaxation, smiled herself.
"So you've been thinking about a lot of this, lately?" Ren asked now.
"My... yes, my..."
"I understand. You don't have to say it."
"My father... I wonder what he would've been like as an old man. And what he would've thought about you. What sort of advice I could get. But I'll never have that now."
"You have Sae, don't you?"
"I don't think she's that old, Ren... You have your whole family. Your grandfather is a lovely man. I... don't have anyone left on my side."
She hadn't put these thoughts into words before.
"I see", he said.
"I'm not sure I know what growing old is like. What it's like to be... mortal."
"Isn't that what we're living to find out?"
"What do you mean?"
"We're still young. Not even twenty. We're not supposed to know."
They were... not?
"Not everything can be learned from books, Makoto. Some things you have to live to find out, to learn."
"Has your grandfather talked about his death?"
"Sometimes", he said. "He's mentioned that death can come at any time. Some of his friends have died."
"D-do you think he's ready for it?"
"I'm... not sure. He's calm about it. Like he's accepting it. But I don't know how much he's really afraid. His generation doesn't talk about feelings like we do."
"Do you ever wonder how you'll take it? If we live long enough?"
"Hmm... I haven't really." Pause. "I think I'd like to see it philosophically. Have no regrets. Leave something of value behind. Good memories. Love. More love than would've been there without me."
Oh, his warm words and ideals.
"I like that", she said. "I wonder if I can do the same."
"I'm sure you'll outlive everyone and leave the world with more justice than there was before."
"It would be tough. To outlive everyone. Wouldn't it?"
"You mean to see so many people die?"
"Yes... I've heard that it can be done. But I've also seen people grow bitter when they see everyone and everything leave and change. I wonder if that can be avoided."
"The bitterness?"
"Mm."
"Like I said, we're still young. You're wise beyond your years, Makoto, but I don't think you need to be ready for death just yet."
"B... but what if it surprises us? Tomorrow? Or maybe next week?"
"Hmm. Let me think about that."
While he thought, she got closer to him again, and he got on his back again, and she put her head on her chest. His heart beat, growing a little slower now. He had become agitated earlier but this sort of emotional intimacy and the pure touch of naked skin on skin was calming him down. It was working on her, as well.
"When I almost died... You were shocked and scared? Right?"
"I was."
"And the whole of that year... I wasn't prepared for any of it. None of us were. We made mistakes. We had rough times. And the way they haunted us... and I guess they still do?"
"Where are you going with this, Ren?"
"I think I'm better at handling those things than I was. I lived through those times. We lived through them. Don't you think we came out stronger than we were?"
"...yes. I think we did. I learned a lot."
"And the Makoto before Queen would be surprised at the Makoto whose head is resting on my heart right now?"
She laughed. "I feel it's quite safe to say so."
"Think about how much you changed and learned in a month. And during that year."
"Mm."
"From what my family says... it's like that in the future, as well. No one is really prepared for anything that life brings. But we survive. We learn. We adapt."
"That's what the wisdom of old age is..."
"I think so."
"So you think that... whatever may come, we'll survive and get better?"
"As long as we don't grow bitter."
"How do you do that?"
"Damned if I know", he said and laughed. "I hope I have someone to keep me on the right path."
That was a good thing to hear, with his warm chest against her cheek. And maybe... this was as good a time as any.
"Ren... do you think... I could be a part of your family?"
"You are already, I think."
Stupid boy.
"I mean... Would you..." Gulp. "Would you consider marrying me? Someday?"
He laughed. "I want to grow old with you so what do you think?"
"No, I mean it. Will you marry me?"
He straightened up and her head fell on his lap. She looked at him from below.
"M-makoto... are you proposing to me? Right now?"
"I guess I am", she smirked. Makoto loved to see Ren surprised. She bet he was waiting to do that himself.
"I'm... I'm..." Ren was blushing and his words were lost, like he was a prim and awkward high school student in a position of responsibility and power, who knew nothing about love. "Yes, I will. What? Yes! Of course. Of course I will marry you."
"You didn't see that one coming, did you?"
"Wipe that smirk off your face and grow old with me, Makoto."
"Sure thing, Niijima Ren."
"Wh- wh- I..." He swallowed. "I actually like the sound of that."
"Get used to it. You'll live and die as a Niijima, then."
"Together."
"Together. Forever."