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Do whatever you have to do. It echoes in his head again. Why had he said yes? But then he didn’t really have a choice, did he? No, he’s never really had a choice. Not since the beginning. People have pushed him here and there and for some stupid reason he has always gone along with it. It just seemed easier.
Hands that are far too hot push him up against the brick wall, he can feel the heat through his shirt, through his jacket. The heat radiating off the raven-haired man is sometimes so hot it feels like standing in front of an open oven. The sharp edges of the brick are digging into his wings and it’s starting to hurt.
Do whatever you have to do. He’s pretty sure when they told him that, they weren’t expecting this but then neither was he. How had he gotten here? He had agreed to corrupt himself for the greater good but this wasn’t just corruption. He was losing himself. His doubts were piling up with all the other emotions. He thought he had it under control but he didn’t. This wasn’t supposed to happen, it couldn’t happen.
It was funny, at first it had seemed exciting. It was dangerous and he liked danger. He liked to flirt with fate and take his chances. Most of the time, it worked in his favor. This time though, he was too deep, he was being swept away. He had seen an opening and he had taken it. He thought he could handle it, separate out everything, keep it in nice little boxes. But the boxes kept falling open, the contents spilling out across the floor and he didn’t know where everything was supposed to go anymore.
That first meeting, he had started to pick up on it. Dabi did it to intimidate, to get the upper hand, he knew how to make people feel uncomfortable and he used it as a weapon. He would stand too close, invade personal space. He would reach out and touch you when there was no need.
Hawks had read it and decided that for this to work, they needed to be on equal footing. He wasn’t going to have Dabi push him around. So, Hawks flipped the tables and did the same thing back to him. The response had been almost instantaneous, he saw it in the electric blue eyes. There was a grudging respect. It was like Dabi had to reevaluate him.
That had to have been when it happened, it was such a subtle shift. He caught sight of the villain watching him out of the corner of his eye. He had made the decision then, if the opportunity presented itself, he would take it, he would go with it. In hindsight, that had been a really stupid choice. Do whatever you have to do. It echoes again hollowly.
The hand is at the back of his neck now, tangling in his hair and pulling his head back. Hot lips close over his and he’s opening for them with no prompting, no hesitation. A mouth so warm, it’s almost on fire. A very talented tongue with a silver stud, tasting him, drinking him in and again he’s lost. Swirling down to a place he didn’t know existed until he had started this deadly dance.
The other hand is on his hip, creeping up slowly, under his coat, under his shirt until it skims across bare flesh. A fiery caress, kneading the flesh, nails and sharp edges of staples scraping making him shiver, making him want more. His hands are moving of their own volition now, one hand wrapping around his neck, the other around the taller man’s waist pulling him closer.
Their bodies fit together as Dabi falls into him, pushing him against the bricks even more but he doesn’t really feel the pain anymore. All he can feel is the heat from the other, the hardness pressed against his thigh as Dabi draws even closer, grinding slowly. The taller man moans into his mouth and he can’t help but answer with a whimper. It’s getting hard to breath but if anything, their kiss is deepening. Hawks feels like he’s being devoured and the scary thing is he’s okay with it. He wants it, wants it more than anything else.
Do whatever you have to do. He did, he has and now he can’t go back. He didn’t ask for this, the lines are blurring and now neither side looks that different. He’s seeing cracks, everywhere and doubts, so many doubts.
Dabi likes to meet him in old warehouses. It seems like there is an endless amount of them in this city. Abandoned, neglected, falling apart, Hawks wonders why no one ever tears them down. A different one every time it seems but then they blur together like everything else, paint running down the canvas until you can’t tell what the original picture was anymore.
Dabi always brings something, sometimes it’s drinks, sometimes it’s drugs. He even brings him food on occasion. Do whatever you have to do. And he does, even though he’s scared. He’s scared he’s going to get high or buzzed and slip. Have to much of something and black out. Then everything will end in the worst way possible, he’ll die at the hands of the person he’s fallen in love with.
How did it happen? When did it happen? He doesn’t really know. How is it even possible? How can you love a murderer? Someone who will not hesitate to kill, who seems to enjoy it. Someone who is against everything you have ever stood for and believed in. How? Sometimes the head and heart are not aligned, sometimes you fuck up and make the wrong choice. Sometimes you get stuck in your own web of lies and realize there is no way back out.
Dabi likes to talk to him, for hours. He sits and listens because that is what the other one needs. He knows there are reasons. They never seem to come up but in roundabout ways. A hidden reference there a double meaning here. Psychopaths can either be born or created. The one he has fallen for was made, created by some twisted mind after years of abuse. He often sits alone, late at night in bed wondering who that person was and why they did it. What kind of person Dabi would be now if he or she had been stopped?
Hawks thinks that must have been when it happened. Listening to him, when he started to care. When the hasty walls he had erected were breached. When the kisses and the caresses started to have a deeper meaning.
Now he’s trapped, a bug in amber. There is no way out of this, there is no going back, he can only keep going forward. Every morning when he wakes up there is a sharp bolt of fear that runs through him. Will today be the day? The day when one side decides its time to move? The day he has to decide who he is going to betray? The organization that has used him his entire life but ultimately does the greater good or the one person who has truly loved him and would die for him but who will most likely never stop?
There is no good ending here. He knows because he’s tried to work them all out. Each one seems to end with him either physically or mentally destroyed. Hawks wants so badly to tell Dabi the truth but he’s scared. Dabi is jealous, impulsive, idealistic and has a hair trigger temper. That path could also very well end up with him dead although sometimes he thinks that might be the best way. Then he doesn’t have to be the one to make the choice. It’s a coward’s way out but then maybe that is what he ultimately is, just a coward.
Dabi pulls away breaking the kiss, both hands coming up to cup his face. Their foreheads touch, noses bump together and Hawks is overwhelmed with the scent of smoke that clings to the fire starter’s skin. He smells like campfires and October. Dabi leans in and his lips brush Hawks’ ear, sending shivers down his back. “I need you so fucking bad little bird. Come home with me.”
Do whatever you have to do to gain their trust. Whatever it takes, just do it. He doesn’t trust himself to speak. The hair on the back of his neck is standing on end. Instead he nods and Dabi’s returning smile almost breaks his heart. The patient waiting game has been successful along with his blossoming relationship with the villain. Both of them know where Dabi currently calls home. It’s the league’s new headquarters that he is sharing with most of them.
Hawks mission is now a success. He has infiltrated the league of villains but he really wishes he hadn’t. It’s one step closer to the end. He’s rushing forward and wishes he could just hit pause. He still has hope. It’s all he does have, so he foolishly hangs onto it tightly. Hoping against hope that there is a way out, a path he hasn’t seen yet, a happy ending.
Dabi pulls him from the wall and he can flex his wings again. The blood is rushing back and they are almost painfully tingling. The hand slides down his back, cupping his ass and pulling him closer. He looks up into the half-closed blue eyes, pupils wide and filled with desire. Could one of them switch sides? Would one of them? Maybe he could convince him to say fuck all of it and just leave, the two of them could go away somewhere where they aren’t known. They could start over.
Dabi pulls him down a maze of alleyways, leading him to God knows where. The fingers encircling his wrist are hot and impatient. Hawks knows he can’t run from the truth forever. He will have to make a decision or someone else will make it for him. But tonight, he can forget about it for tonight. He can just lose himself in Dabi and pretend that tomorrow will never come.