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Keith was just out of the shower after a combat training session he’d been forced to do with a bunch of senior Garrison cadets – had the Garrison regimen always been so soft? – and he was dressed and scrubbing a towel over his hair when there was a knock on the door. “It’s open!” he called.
The door opened and Pidge came through it, and then Hunk, and then Lance, and then Allura, and then Coran squeezed himself into the room behind them and peered at Keith over the tops of their heads. There was really not room for all five of them and Keith in here. Keith said, “Uh… is something up?” and then, “Where’s Shiro?”
They all five exchanged looks and then Allura stepped forward – Keith nudged the holdall of his workout clothes out of her way – and said, “Keith, we have discussed this as a team, and we all agree that as the leader of Voltron there is something you must do for us.”
“Yeah!” said Hunk. “Please!”
Keith put the towel down. This sounded serious. “Okay, tell me what enemy we’re facing and we’ll come up with a plan.”
The team all exchanged glances.
“There isn’t an enemy exactly, Keith,” said Pidge after a moment.
“There’s an enemy of my feelings,” muttered Lance.
“This is more in the nature of a social issue!” put in Coran from the back of the huddle.
Keith frowned. “A social…? I’m probably not the best guy to deal with that.”
“You have to,” said Pidge.
“No one else can do it,” said Allura.
Lance grabbed Keith by the front of his shirt, gazed desperately into his eyes, and said, “You have to make him stop.”
Keith blinked at him. “I have to make… who? Stop what?”
“Shiro,” they all said at once.
Tension bolted along Keith’s spine. “Is something wrong with Shiro?”
“Not exactly,” said Allura. “But please, Keith. I believe it is vital for the wellbeing of the whole team that you convince him to stop making jokes.”
There was a pause. Keith blinked.
“Look, is this really serious?” he said.
“Keith, trust me, I personally have never been more serious in my life,” said Hunk, to a general chorus of agreement. “Pidge asked him how his new arm was working out and do you know what he said? He said it hadn’t made him murder anyone yet so he liked it.”
“Lance inquired about his family and he said he’d missed them a lot, and then he said that of course that’s what he’d say if he was a soulless clone too!” said Coran.
“Allura asked him how he’d slept,” said Lance loudly and way too close to Keith’s face, “and he said it was almost as restful as being a ghost trapped timelessly in the consciousness of the Black Lion.”
Keith winced. Okay, he could see how that one was a step too far. He looked at Allura, who said, “Keith, we all understand that Shiro has been through a difficult time and that he prefers to deal with these things through… questionable… humour.”
“What’s wrong with Shiro’s sense of humour?” Keith said. “Shiro’s funny. Once I asked him how his life-threatening wound was and he said it was doing great, getting bigger all the time.”
No one said anything.
“That’s funny,” Keith explained.
Coran coughed.
“Questionable humour,” Allura repeated. “But it’s affecting team morale.”
“She means Lance cried,” said Pidge.
“We don’t care how you do it,” said Coran, “but you’re the leader of Voltron so this is your responsibility!”
“Also he’s totally not going to listen to anyone else,” put in Hunk.
They meant it. Keith could tell by looking around the circle of their faces. He sighed. “All right, all right,” he said. “I’ll try.”
The team left after that, which was a relief because the room was way too crowded for all of them. Lance was the last one out. He paused in the doorway and gave Keith his best menacing look. Keith didn’t feel all that menaced but he tried to be nice about it. Lance said, “Yeah, all right, he made me cry, but more importantly, he upset Allura, Keith. Allura saved his freaking life! Make. Him. Stop.”
“Okay, okay, okay,” said Keith. “I’ll deal with it, I promise.”
How the hell was Keith supposed to start that conversation? Hey, Shiro, funny thing. Hey, Shiro, I was talking to the others and guess what? Hey, Shiro, so this is kind of weird but.
Hey Shiro, you’re scaring people.
He wasn’t the team cohesion guy. Allura dealt with that, or Hunk, or, actually, Shiro. Keith could lead if there was something to fight. He could see what needed to be done. It helped when the lions were there feeding him everything he needed to know about the others in the moment, everything they were afraid of and aware of and capable of beyond even what they knew. But this was different, and the lions weren’t going to be any help.
Still, the team had put it on him, and Allura wasn’t wrong. Maybe it was Keith’s responsibility. Not even because he was the leader of Voltron. Maybe just because he was supposed to be Shiro’s friend.
“Hey, Shiro,” he tried while he was fixing himself a snack in the team’s little kitchen that evening. He kind of missed the Castle of Lions. He sounded weird. What if he gave it a different emphasis? “Hey, Shiro. Hey, Shiro.”
“Something I can do for you?” said Shiro.
Keith would never admit out loud that the noise he made was a squawk. Shiro grinned at him, so it was definitely a squawk. He was standing in the doorway, arms folded. “I was just passing,” he said. “And I heard my name.”
“Uh,” said Keith. “Hey, Shiro.”
“Hey,” Shiro said back, eyebrows a little mean, making fun of him a little.
Keith snorted. “Knock it off.”
“What’s up, Keith?”
Wow, okay, now they were having the conversation back to front, because that was Shiro’s I’m here for you voice. Keith sighed. “Look, I need to talk to you,” he said. How did you even do an I’m-here-for-you voice? Keith tried to copy Shiro’s but it just made Shiro look confused. “Maybe, uh, in private?”
After a moment Shiro said, “Okay, Keith.” He was frowning. He could tell Keith was serious.
They ended up in Shiro’s room. Keith steered them there thinking vaguely that maybe this would be better in somewhere that was Shiro’s territory, so he felt… Keith felt weird thinking it… safe. But then when they were there he wasn’t sure. There was nowhere to sit but Shiro’s bed. They both sat on it. Shiro was looking serious and ready to listen, which was also his I’m-here-for-you routine. It wasn’t surprising he’d gone into that because that was basically what they did, and had been for years. “Stop that,” said Keith. “I’m an adult, okay? And this is kind of hard for me already.”
Shiro blinked, and then he dropped the serious face and sat back and just said, “Okay, Keith. Just hit me, then.” He smirked a bit. “Not literally this time.”
Keith groaned, and then he realised, “That’s actually kind of what I need to talk about.”
There was a pause.
“That fight?” said Shiro quietly. “We haven’t talked about it.” Another pause, kind of jerky, like a sound file breaking off and then picking up again, and he said, “I remember all of it.”
“No,” said Keith, “I don’t mean the fight!” No, wait. “I mean, we can talk about the fight! If you want to!”
Shiro said, “Keith, what’s going on?”
“I mean the jokes,” Keith said.
Shiro blinked at him.
“Because,” Keith said, “you’re freaking everyone out.”
After a moment Shiro laughed. “You know,” he said, “when you got all serious like that, I kind of thought you were going to tell me you were in love with me.”
Keith froze. He’d known Shiro knew. Had probably known for a while. Probably even before Keith had yelled it at him in the middle of that sick duel, definitely since then. He’d never said anything. Were they actually doing this now? He gulped. And then he realised just in time and said, “Shiro, come on, we are not talking about me right now.”
Shiro said nothing.
“Just listen to me. I need to ask,” Keith said. “On behalf of the whole team, because we’re all your friends. And on my own behalf because I’m your friend. Are you okay?”
Shiro shook his head. “Don’t worry so much, Keith. I’m surviving.”
“Shiro,” Keith said again, and it was weird, because I’m-here-for-you voice turned out just to be his normal voice but when he meant it. “That’s not what I asked. I want to know if you’re okay. And I want you to know that I’m here for you if you’re not. You can talk to me, all right? Or not me, if I’m the wrong person. You can talk to any of us. You don’t have to fake okay and then make horrifying jokes about it. We love you. We’re here.” He took a breath. “Yeah, and I love you, and I’m here. As your friend, always, no matter what.”
Shiro was looking at him oddly. He didn’t say anything. Keith couldn’t make sense of his expression. “What?”
“You’ve really grown,” Shiro said softly.
“Thanks,” said Keith. “Are you okay?”
“Still pretty stubborn, though.”
“That’s not going to change,” said Keith.
“No,” Shiro said, “I’m not.”
Keith waited.
“I’m not really okay.”
“Yeah,” said Keith after a long moment. “We know.”
Shiro just shrugged.
Keith struggled for what he was meant to say next. While he was still looking for the right words Shiro started speaking again.
“What am I supposed to say?” he said. “That I didn’t know?” He paused. “That it was dark in there?” Another pause. “That I – I thought I’d killed you all? I thought – and then I didn’t care. I didn’t even care –” Keith reached out but Shiro ignored it. “Or how about, if I didn’t know last time, how am I ever going to know? Maybe I’m not myself now, maybe I’ll never be myself again, and anyway I can’t ever really be sure, so to be safe I probably shouldn’t be anywhere near you guys –”
“That’s crazy,” Keith said. “You belong with us.”
“What if I don’t anymore?”
“Shiro,” Keith said. He put his hand on Shiro’s shoulder and he waited till Shiro looked at him. “I’m the leader of this team and I’m telling you,” he said. “You belong with us. There’s no question about it. The only question is, do you trust me?”
“God, Keith,” Shiro said, and laughed tiredly. “Yeah. More than anything. More than myself.”
“Then believe me,” Keith said. “It’s true.”
Shiro put his hand over Keith’s on his shoulder. Keith turned his arm to grasp it firmly. He’d hung onto Shiro’s hand at that cloning facility. He’d hold onto Shiro anywhere, anytime.
“You’re not alone,” he said. “You have us. You had us when things went wrong before, and you’ll have us again if things go wrong again. You don’t have to be okay.” He met Shiro’s eyes and waited till Shiro nodded. He didn’t let go of Shiro’s hand. It was only after Shiro inclined his head a little that Keith finally relaxed and added, “You do have to stop making horrifying jokes, though. To the others at least. I don’t mind them, I still think you’re funny.”
“Wow,” said Shiro, with a headshake, a smile, “you really are in love with me.”
Keith hesitated, but to hell with it, what was there to be scared of? This was Shiro. The worst thing that could happen was a really bad joke. “Are we actually talking about this?”
He was expecting the joke, or another smile, or maybe even something kind. Keith didn’t need Shiro to be kind about the way he felt. He’d come to terms years ago. But Shiro was kind, always, when it counted. He’d been kind about it back when Keith’s feelings had been a dumb teenage crush too overwhelming to conceal. His kindness was one of the things Keith loved about him.
But instead of any of the reactions Keith had expected Shiro held Keith’s gaze and said, “I think… not yet.”
Keith swallowed. If that meant what it sounded like – could that mean what it sounded like? Yeah, Shiro’s steady gaze told him, because Shiro would never be that cruel: it was what it sounded like.
“Not yet?” he repeated, trying not to croak it embarrassingly.
“No.” Shiro’s grip on his hand tightened. “But… maybe soon.”
“Don’t,” Keith managed, “don’t push yourself. If you’re not okay. I can wait.” He’d waited for a long time: waited without expecting, without even hoping that the impossible was ever going to happen. He could wait for not yet easily next to that: wait for a lifetime, probably, with that thread of maybe to sustain him.
“I know,” Shiro said. “You don’t give up.”
“Neither do you.”
“I’ll try to stop freaking out the others,” Shiro said.
“Just talk to us, that’s all.”
Shiro said, “I think I’m going to be okay.”
“I know you are,” said Keith. “I believe in you.”
At the next team Monsters and Mana night Shiro announced, “Guys, I had a conversation with Keith, and I realised I owe everyone an apology. I’ve been expressing my feelings in really unproductive ways and it’s been bad for the team. I’m sorry.”
“Wh – H – How the hell do you do that?” said Lance. “Did you guys all hear that? Who in the universe is mature and sincere enough to come out with a speech like that and actually mean it?”
“Well, I for one appreciate your apology, Shiro!” said Coran. The others chimed in with agreements. Allura murmured something in a lower voice and touched Shiro’s hand. Keith slouched in his seat and smiled.
“And to show I mean it,” Shiro said, “I made us all character sheets for Coran’s new campaign!”
Everyone’s tablets lit up.
Pidge was the first to groan. Then everyone else joined in. Keith watched Shiro trying and failing to cover his smirk as he set six little paladin figurines down on the board. “This is the most unbalanced party,” said Pidge.
“I think we’ll manage,” Keith said.
He caught Shiro’s eye to share the joke and tried not to let it show when his heart skipped a beat at Shiro’s broadening grin. The good news was he had plenty of practice. Not yet.
Coran cleared his throat and began his introductory spiel for the new adventure. This one had dragon mounts, which sounded cool to Keith. And though everyone complained, before long they were getting into their six little paladins. The next time Keith looked up from the battle in progress on the table it was because he felt Shiro’s eyes on him. They looked at each other a moment, smiling over the goblin fight going down between them. Shiro definitely knew that Keith’s heart was thumping. Not yet, Keith reminded himself.
He let Shiro look away first.
Maybe soon.