Work Text:
The room is dark but with his eyes used to the dimness, he can tell everything apart easily, from the clothes piled up on his chair to the clutter messily spread around his desk. The patterns on tightly drawn curtains, how moonlight illuminates against them to make the fabric glow in an eerie yet familiar manner.
Hyunjin’s eyes ache, tired and dry. He has kept them shut for a while, it must be hours by now, and keeping them open, it hurts as well. Half closed, taking in the surroundings in front of him, with his cheek pressed into his too warm pillow.
The fatigue, the painful exhaustion is awfully deep in his bones and he very much feels like crying out of frustration. Hyunjin lets out a choked noise from the back of his throat, lifting his hands to his face and pressing his palms against his cheeks. Even this feels remotely odd, skin like play-dough beneath his touch, barely his. It’s easy to tell it’s reality though, even though the tired haze of it all.
Hyunjin knows that tomorrow this will feel like a small thing, forgotten and disregarded, but now when it’s somewhere between two and four am, it feels a lot like defeat. The heels of his palms pressed against his now closed lids again, making something spark, and the ache is easier than the exhaustion. The desperation something like this causes, it feels sort of ridiculous and Hyunjin has to bite down on his lower lip to keep himself from groaning out of utter frustration.
He is so tired. Awfully, purely exhausted, and he can’t sleep.
It’s worse because it’s the middle of the night. It’s even worse because with the filter of his brain loose and faded, Hyunjin can’t stop thinking about things. About a person, in fact. He tells himself to stop it, to cut it out, to let it go and think about it tomorrow because there’s nothing he can do about it now. But—
Hyunjin rolls over on his stomach and presses his face to his pillow. It smells like shampoo and stale air.
It’s always about Changbin, isn’t it? It roots to his thoughts bitterly, in an excruciatingly sad manner that just bluntly, simply put, hurts him. A lot. Hyunjin doesn’t like it, doesn’t want it, but it’s not about what he wants by now. He parts his lips and sighs into the pillow, before shoving his hand beneath it and grabbing his phone.
The screen is too bright in the dark of the room and Hyunjin had to squint his eyes, even with the brightness turned low and the warm night shift on. The big blocky white numbers tell him it’s 3.18, which is enough to make his stomach twist in nausea.
Hyunjin is stupid, an utter fool for this, but it doesn’t stop him opening the app and tapping Changbin’s contact name with his thumb.
To: changbin
are you awake?
3:19am
He isn’t exactly sure where he is going with this. Discomfort is rattling its walls inside him. It’s probably because Hyunjin misses Changbin in a way friends shouldn’t miss each other. Yeah, it’s most likely this. He squeezes his eyes shut and exits the app, just for a notification to pop up on the top corner of his screen. Hyunjin takes in a shaky breath, counts to seven, and taps it.
From: changbin
yea
3:20am
A bubble shows that he is typing so Hyunjin lets him, waits with eyes watering from exhaustion.
From: changbin
something up?
3:21am
To: changbin
i am. Lol
3:22am
From: changbin
lol
3:22am
To: changbin
why are u still awake?
3:22am
It’s something Hyunjin tends to do, caring about others more than himself. Not in a sense that it’s horribly damaging to him or self destructive in any way. He doubts Changbin will ask it back. He knows the reason anyway, or the half of it. When was the last time Hyunjin has been able to sleep properly? It’s a joke between his friends, and the dark bruising purple beneath his eyes is his branding.
Although, Hyunjin doubts that Changbin knows that he is too busy thinking about him to sleep tonight. That sounds better, almost romantic, than a body refusing to rest. Even if Hyunjin isn’t the one for romance like that, he’d rather take it.
From: changbin
i was watching a movie. im abt to sleep now tho
3:24am
To: changbin
right
3:25am
To: changbin
get some rest
3:25am
From: changbin
why did u text me?? is smth up for real, other than u.
3:25am
From: changbin
or the sky
3:25am
Hyunjin snorts softly to his screen, a lazy smile tugging on the corners of his lips. He likes him so much.
To: changbin
ur lame!! i was just bored
3:26am
He isn’t exactly sure if it’s a lie or not. Maybe this is the part when the edges of reality and dream start to blur in the early morning hours, or is it still the night? Maybe Hyunjin’s feelings would morph into facts and truths too, or something tangible. There isn’t magic in the dust in the stuffy air of the room, though. It’s just wishful thinking.
Hyunjin turns on his back and pushes himself up to sit. The collar of his striped sleeping shirt slides down his shoulder. He looks down to his lap, his hands holding his phone, the crack in the corner of the screen. The dots telling him that Changbin is still there.
Hyunjin hopes he doesn’t leave. Except he won’t ask him to stay either.
From: changbin
u should sleep. or i know u cant. but try still? if u havent :D
3:28am
Hyunjin smiles sadly to his screen.
To: changbin
i have
3:28am
To: changbin
u know how i am
3:28am
From: changbin
it really sucks
3:29am
To: changbin
ur right
3:30am
From: changbin
wanna meetup??
3:30am
Hyunjin furrows his brows and lets out a dumbfounded chuckle, lifting his hand to run it through his hair. Sweet, considerate, clumsy Changbin. He thinks this is him trying to show some sort of support, but Hyunjin could be wrong. He probably is. Just trying to find comfort and reassurance and some stupid clues that Changbin feels the same way about him.
Does he think of kissing him the way Hyunjin does? Does Changbin ever look at him when he is looking away and let his eyes slip to his lips, and just wonder how they’d feel against his. Does he imagine the way how Hyunjin would react if Changbin pressed against him?
Perhaps it’s just Hyunjin thinking these things about Changbin, and never the other way around. It feels unrealistic in any case. He is just a bit hopeless like this, and his feelings run freely and with tired hands, he just can’t grab them and get a hold.
To: changbin
now? what are u on lol
3:31am
From: changbin
idk just a suggestion
3:32am
To: changbin
werent u going to bed anyway?
3:32am
From: changbin
i was
3:32am
To: changbin
im cool. u gotta sleep
3:33am
From: changbin
kay mom
3:33am
To: changbin
thanks though
3:33am
From: changbin
its ok. can we hangout tmrw tho??
3:34am
To: changbin
sure, if i manage to get out of bed lol
3:34am
From: changbin
haha same. gn now
3:35am
To: changbin
goodnight
3:36am
It ends there. Hyunjin keeps the app open even after Changbin has read the message and there’s no bubbles or dots to be seen. After a few minutes, he puts his phone down.
A bit more than 20 minutes and then it’s four am. The exhaustion hurts him, and his feelings, a bit more. Hyunjin doesn’t dare to laugh in fear of waking up the others in his house, the paper thin walls, even though he very much feels like it.
He puts his phone underneath his pillow again and falls onto his back on his bed. A part of Hyunjin wants to call him, like in some cliché teen romance movie where things actually sort out, and tell him that he loves him. Only if he even did, because who 18 year old really knows love like that. He just wants to revolve around Changbin. It sounds odd but it’s a lot like it feels like.
Like, being someone’s morning and their sleepless night. Like, being someone’s favourite song and tune that reminds them of home. Like, the stars and the moon or whatever poets are talking about.
But really, most of the time, it doesn’t feel like that. It’s just Changbin and his loud laugh and weird looks, and the way he treats Hyunjin and how it’s so easy to be around him. How he just likes him so stupidly much. Hyunjin doesn’t know how to make it sound romantic. He doesn't need to but perhaps it'd be easier to deal with if he could just give it a polished name, a beautiful picture, and then let go of it.
He is so very tired.
Hyunjin closes his eyes. He can hear the seagulls screeching somewhere outside. It's funny how when it comes to him, falling in love (in like, he corrects himself) is easier than falling asleep.