Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

THREE MONTHS TO GRADUATION

Lately, Madi’s been wondering about who she is, where she comes from. She loves her grandma—and even Marcus is kind of okay when he’s not lecturing everyone about the deterioration of nowadays youth—but she wonders if she has more of them out there. A grandma, a grandpa, an uncle or an aunt. If maybe she even has a little sister or brother. A sibling, that’s the dream.

She just doesn’t want to bring it up with her mom, because well… she’s her mom . She’s stubborn and overprotective and always thinks she knows what’s best. Which, usually she does , just not this particular time. Not when it comes to her father. Her mom might have known him, but Madi is part him. She figures that has to count for something.

She knows her mom thinks she’s better off without him, and she used to feel that way, too. Not everybody has two parents, or even a mom and a dad. And Madi’s mom is pretty much the greatest . She didn’t need a dad, when she had Clarke Griffin as her mom. So yeah, she used to feel that way, too. She used to not want somebody in her life that never wanted her in her life, that never bothered to look for her, that never lost a wink of sleep over not having his daughter in his life.

But… But then she started thinking (plus watched a bad Lifetime family movie on her period)—what if her father doesn’t know she exists ?

Her mom always told her the same story. She got pregnant when she was nineteen. She went through a rough patch—grandpa died and then she went through a horrible break-up—so, the roughests of patches really. And grandma didn’t disown her, but she didn’t welcome a pregnant daughter who was supposed to go to med school in a few years and follow in her footsteps with open arms either. So they had a fight. Uncle Wells went to school two states over and mom wasn’t on speaking terms with her dad in even the slightest sense of the word (she always refused to elaborate on that, always ). It was just mom and Madi for a long time after that.

Mom never struggled. Mom never had a single bad day after finding out she was pregnant. The pregnancy was one of the easiest things mom has ever gone through. Birth? A breeze. Madi was the best thing that ever happened to her. She wouldn’t ever take any of it back.

But Madi, she knows her mom, and her mom likes to paint pretty pictures. Not just in real life, also figuratively speaking. She likes to bear things on her own.

The thing. The thing is—she hears stuff. She hears her mom’s friends mention how strong they think she is. Hears auntie Raven pull the ‘but I watched your bratty toddler so you could study for midterms' card at least twice a week. Hears her mom insist on paying for Uncle Monty’s dinner or coffee or a rental movie on Amazon and claim she still owes him, even though he always refuses with a smile. Uncle Murphy practically throws it into her face that she would be a poor, unattractive, homeless, jobless single-mother without him each chance he gets and her mom rolls her eyes, but she never actually denies it.

So the story wasn’t true. Not completely. Her mom isn’t a liar, and she means well, but she also doesn’t tell the whole truth.

Madi is fourteen now. She’s going to high school after summer. So if her mom won’t tell her, she’ll find out for herself.

It all starts on an early hot spring day. Madi cycled straight from school to the Reyes-Shaw residence to jump into her pool.

“You only like us for our pool,” Uncle Zeke said, eyebrows raised, as soon as he opened the door and Madi had shrugged, shouldering her backpack up a little higher as she ducked under his arm to step inside. “I have expensive taste.”

Aunt Raven walked out from the livingroom to check who it was at the door, catching the back-end of their conversation. When Madi passed her to go outside, she’d ruffled her hair and called her a, “Gold digging brat.”

“Did you text your mom?” Zeke asked as he slid open the patio door to follow her to the backyard, picking up their dog Chew-Bacca (the hyphen is absolutely mandatory) and tucking the bulldog under his arm before she manages to escape outside on her own. Chew-Bacca had a knack for peeing on uncle Zeke’s flowers and then rolling around on top of them when unsupervised.

“Yeah, she’s coming over after work,” she answered automatically, muffled just a little when she started pulling her tank top over her head, throwing it haphazardly on one of the lounge chairs before shimmying out of her shorts as well.

He nodded, walking further out into the backyard to let Chew-Bacca lose on her own special patch of grass, separated from the rest of the garden by a stockade fence, throwing one of her squishy toys in after her.

“Did you text Clarke?” Raven called over to her as she’d stepped outside as well, maneuvering a tray of three cherry colas while trying to close the door behind her, just as Madi was cannonballing into the water.

“Yeah,” she yelled back as soon as she emerged from the bottom of the pool, rolling her eyes, and lowering her voice as Raven closed the distance between them. Monotonously, she continued while wiping her long brown hair back from her face, “She’s coming over after work.”

Her aunt snorted after putting down the tray, one hand on her hip as she squinted down at her from the ledge of the pool. The sun reflected of her bronze skin like she’d bathed in expensive high-end highlighter her mom refused to let her wear before stepping outside. It was almost unfair, considering Madi had inherited her mom’s chronic paleness. “I saw that eye-roll, heathen.”

“I am fourteen, you know,” Madi huffs, petulant, and maybe she rolls her eyes again, just flicks them upwards, a little. “My mom doesn’t have to know everything I do.”

Aunt Raven opened her mouth to respond, always quick with a witty comeback, but then—when she least expected it—Uncle Zeke snuck up behind her and shoved her into the water. Unfortunately for him, Raven pulled him right along with her. Madi grinned with almost delirious laughter before he dunked the teenager’s head underwater as payback. She came back up, laughing, choking just a little on the cool chlorine water.

It’s a day like a thousand other days she’s spent with Uncle Zeke and Aunt Raven. They have fancy jobs so along with the fancy house and the fancy stuff comes a lot of mostly-not-so-fancy free time. They play in the pool until their fingers are wrinkly. They eat way too much cookie ice cream sandwiches. They set up Raven’s laptop outside, sprawl across their outdoor sofa and watch ancient movies from, like, the eighties while Chew-Bacca lies in Madi’s lap and she scratches her under her chin until she starts snoring. Madi’s favorite one is Grease. They watch that one so many times Aunt Raven develops and installs a programme that mutes the songs as soon as they start. Sabotage, is what it is. Who doesn’t like a good musical?

Anyway. Fast forward to her mom arriving. Here’s where it gets different.

Uncle Zeke was flipping burgers and humming along to one of those old rock songs he likes so much, swimsuit still dripping water all over their patio deck, and Madi was perched on top of one of their faux-pineapple floats, Chew-Bacca in her lap. Her sunglasses kept slipping off her nose, but that’s only because they were Uncle Zeke’s and thus way too big.

Her mom said hi, checked when she put on sunscreen for the last time, and then—satisfied with the answer: “I reapplied three new layers twenty minutes ago, mother !”—plopped down on a lounge chair beside Aunt Raven’s. Not before shoving Madi’s clothes to the foot end with a shake of her blonde head, that is.

Aunt Raven moved on to one of her signature strawberry daiquiris a little earlier in the afternoon, even though they had already been updated to virgin those days. The bump was starting to show around that time, especially apparent when she was in nothing but a pair of daisy dukes, a gold anklet and a red triangle bikini top.

They talked about her mom’s day at work, some new project aunt Raven was working on for NASA with Uncle Zeke, Wells’ birthday party coming up, some old tv-show. Blah blah blah . The Good Stuff didn’t start until ten minutes in.

(For some reason, her mom and aunt think that Madi can’t hear them whenever she’s in the water and honestly? She’s not going to be the one to tell them. She’s found out about some quality gossip, pretending to soak up the sun and nap while actually lowkey eavesdropping on adults.)

“Come on, you can’t tell me you honestly think Spike has bigger dick energy than Angel? He box-dyed his hair.”

Just her mom mentioning genitals has Madi both giddy with giggles and grossed out at the same time, but she powers through it and forces a completely neutral expression on her face. See, Madi knows her mom as her mom. But other people know her mom as Clarke. And Clarke is her mom, but her mom isn’t Clarke. Like, Clarke isn’t just her mom—she’s many more things to many different people. Sometimes, Madi forgets.

“Oh, that’s right,” Raven chokes on a laugh, pushing herself up on her elbows. “I remember. You used to be obsessed with that broody vampire—”

“I wasn’t obsessed !”

“Yeah, yeah, you used to write about your daily inconveniences for your six followers and reblog pictures of that Angel guy on the regular and swoon over those fanfi—”

Madi’s ears hadn’t physically started flapping, but they were definitely fluttering.

“When it comes down to it,” her mom continues with a pointed look, cutting the other woman off, obviously trying to change the subject as soon as possible. “Buffy obviously has the biggest dick energy of them all.”

“Huh,” Raven huffs, putting her hands behind her head as she fixed her gaze ahead, off in thought. “What was it called again? Your blog? Clarke’s Rambles?”

“Chronicles of a Delinquent Girl,” mom muttered, cheeks flushed, and then—when Raven continued listening off other names like Griffin’s Canvas and Blonde Ambition and ticking them off her fingers—she repeated herself, now louder, face completely tomato-red. “Chronicles of a Delinquent Girl!”

Her mother grabbed Raven’s martini glass, still half-full with virgin daiquiri off the side table in between their chairs and downed it in one go while her aunt continued with a mocking, humoured chuckle. “Wow, a girl gets caught smoking on school premises one time and immediately develops illusions of hoodlum grandeur.”

“I was lucky they eventually let me off with a warning.”

“It wasn’t even your cigarette, Clarke.”

“I regret ever sharing that story with you.”

Dryly, Raven retorted, “Then how would I ever understand your legendary never-ending, all-consuming, record-breaking grudge against Echo Olwyn?”

Echo Olwyn is the host of Arctic Fox’s ‘The Blizzard’ that spews mostly fake news and sucks up to their president. Whenever she’s on TV, her mom immediately shuts off the device completely and suggests they get some junk food. Sometimes, when she’s craving McDonalds, Madi accidentally-on-purpose has to answer a text and zap through the tv-channels at the same time. Madi just thought mom hated xenophobic Echo Olwyn for comparing allowing in immigrants to opening the fourth seal of the apocalypse. Turns out she actually got her arrested—which, that was even better .

“It wasn’t just the cigarette that she— by the way —deliberately handed to naive innocent little freshman me as soon as she saw Campus Police coming over from behind me,” she replied hastily, but way too heated to be casual, “because she conveniently had to ‘tie her shoelaces’,” her mom air quotes, leaving a small pause in between each word, “and you know it.”

“Right. And it definitely wasn’t because she fucked Octavia’s brother before you co—”

Her mom shushes her aunt in that way she shushes Madi when she says something she isn’t supposed to in front of grandma and Marcus (like, we ate cereal for dinner or, sunday we slept in till twelve and it felt so good or,  mom said she would rather eat her own feces than try your meatloaf again ); her brow creased, her mouth pursed, her blue eyes just a little darker than normal. Her gaze flicked over to her daughter briefly, like some kind of warning to Raven, who just waved her off. Next thing they knew, Zeke was jogging over, informing them the food was ready, the conversation cut off for good.

It was okay. Madi knew all she needed to know.

A MONTH AND A HALF TO GRADUATION

It honestly wasn’t hard to find her mom’s blog. It might be a hard pill to swallow for most, but there weren’t many delinquents out there chronicling their daily lives on an internet blog.

All her mom’s posts are still public, the last one dated back to her last year of college. It takes a few hours, but Madi combs through each and every blog entry, including the Buffy-gifs and sexually tinted fanfics and the pictures of her own paintings.

The actual goldmine is when she manages to find the juicy personal essays about Clarke Griffin’s day-to-day escapades. Her mom actually treated that tumblr like a diary . She didn’t even bother censuring the names, because the blog is completely —wait for it— anonymous . Life was looking up for Madi. It was pretty much the potential dad jackpot for dadless teenagers.

She narrowed it down to plenty of options within a month of research.

1. Finn Collins
2. Luna Murchadh
3. Bellamy Blake
4. Roan Borealis
5. Niylah Kaufer

Obviously two and five are scratched off the list quickly, not only because number two probably only kissed her mom, but also because they’re like, a little female. Now, Madi wasn’t the least bit interested in the human parts of biology but she understood enough of anatomics to know that wasn’t quite how babies were made. One time, when she got her period for the first time, her mom tried to give her the Talk™, and even though she spend the entirety of those most awkward five minutes of her life with her fingers lodged into her ears, she still ended up traumatized.

Finn is the boy her mom dated from fifteen to nineteen. Then, after barely three semesters apart, she found out he was also seeing a different girl—only ever named as the Mechanic—to keep his options open, since, and she quotes her mom quoting him, ‘they’re still so young’ and ‘he was missing her so hard’. (Now, the Mechanic is only ever called the Mechanic in her posts, but later ends up becoming her mom’s friend and since she doesn’t think her mom has physically ever met Jason Statham, she assumes it’s Raven.) Finn is her mom’s first love. Finn is four whole years of her mom’s life. He is the bad break-up.

With a little help of her tech-savvy aunt and uncle (even if they don’t know it) she anonymously tracks him down on Facebook easy enough. Her mom isn’t friends with him, and neither is Raven, but Raven’s mother still is. Call her Doogie Howser, because a child prodigy she is.

Finn Collins is attractive. She feels like she can say that, even if he does end up being her dad. She can see why her mom liked him. He speaks French, he is socially invested in the environment and he likes musicals, too. From what she can tell from his profile, he’s watched Saturday Night Fever at least three times in the last six months. He’s not all bad.

With Roan, it’s more of the same. She thinks he and her mom were just a one time kind of thing, because his name is mentioned once and once alone. She meets him a super villain-themed bar called Azgeda—it has cats to pet and rotatable barstools and Madi’s going to go there one day for sure — because her mom makes a crack about his heavy eye-makeup to Uncle Wells a little bit too loudly. The bar turns out to be his, they have a few drinks and they spend the night together. Her mom rates him a solid eight, whatever that might mean. He doesn’t have Facebook, but she finds his email filed under the ‘contact us’ label on the bar’s website. The pictures beside it screams model, possible pirate and yeah, okay mom, it wasn’t just the tequila shots, wink wink. Their—Roan’s and Madi’s—hairdos are almost eerily similar.

Now Bellamy—Bellamy was a challenge. First of all, her mom never quite makes up her mind about him in all the posts she talks about him. Madi’s not sure what they are. Friends, mortal enemies, boyfriend-girlfriend. It’s confusing. He starts of as an asshole she has to deal with because of shared friends, then he’s the asshole she occasionally spends the night with, then the asshole who has her feeling all messed up in her head, and then he’s the asshole who leaves to do his masters on the other side of the country. But her mom’s happy slash sad slash relieved slash devastated about it?

Madi started her search on him a couple of times, but it’s like he’s a ghost. A social media-less, faceless, last-name-less ghost. He’s the final one she finds. Or, well. She finds his sister.

The only leads she had is that he is tall, has curls, his hands are frustrating (what?), he is a mythology nerd, her mom hates him especially when he wears glasses and he has a sister that he thinks the world of. It could have literally been anyone at that point. The Bellamy her mom mentions on her blog has a sister, who she never names, except for once. A slip-up, maybe. Madi has to scroll all the way back to one of her mother’s first entries to find out her name is Octavia.

Now, Madi is not a mad genius like some of her family members, but it seems like Bellamy’s Octavia is also her mom’s Octavia—as in that one friend from college she still occasionally speaks to and tags in memes, but the distance is too big for them to actually still use the term ‘friend’ casually.

Octavia is easily found. Her mom’s friends with her on Facebook and other than that, she is apparently like this famous fit girl on YouTube with three million subscribers and a personal trainer as a boyfriend. Madi thinks she’s actually seen one of her videos before, when she tried to get in shape for the new soccer season and failed terribly at it.

It’s funny, because the only thing on Bellamy—she assumes—Blake she can find out from Octavia is that he used to play soccer, too. There’s one public post, dating back a few years, in which she urges everyone to come watch her brother’s final game before ‘going off in retirement because of his old man knees'. Octavia is like, super pretty. It only promises good things for her brother, right?

She sends them all (well, two and one’s sibling) a virtual invitation for her middle school graduation. For the ceremony, and the party afterwards at her house, and possibly every important party in her life after that, because go hard or go home, right?

For Octavia, she just adds: WOULD YOU PLEASE SHOW THIS TO YOUR BROTHER??? as the group name on Messenger. She figures that should get the message across.

Dear possible dad,

I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but I might be your daughter. My name is Madi, and I’m fourteen years old. My mom’s name is Clarke. She’s amazing and I’m not here in your inbox because I’m missing something in my life. I’m not. I love my mom and I love my life the way it is, but sometimes I find myself wondering. Wondering about who you are.

My mom doesn’t talk a lot about you. I assume she has her reasons, but I would like the opportunity to form my own reasons on why I would like to have you in my life or not. Besides, real life is about to start. I’m going to HIGH SCHOOL soon. It’s an important moment. The start of a new era.

I haven’t shared many important moments with you (yet). To start, I’ve attached an invitation to my middle school graduation party. If I don’t end up being your daughter, there’s always cake. It’s kind of a win/win.

- Madi Griffin

[attachment 1: graduation_MG.pdf]

A WEEK TO GRADUATION

At one point, the guilt of lying to her mom for so long was getting a little to her and she was starting to develop some major capital -r Regrets so she figured she should light the load. She shared her burdens with the only person she knows who’s incapable of feeling remorse in any conceivable way. Uncle Murphy.

(Well, him, and maybe Emori. But, she hasn’t been around as long as Uncle Murphy, so if her mom finds out, she’ll take it out on her and Madi really likes her so she won’t risk it.)

She tells her mom she’s going over to Aden’s house to help him with his homework and then instead cycles over to Emori’s loft. The lies keep piling up, and Madi doesn’t know how much longer she can keep it up. She's never really lied to her mom like this before.

Murphy doesn’t even greet her, just opens the door and then slithers back to his video game. He likes the violent ones, which is kinda cool, because sometimes he lets her play the Rated-R ones.

Madi blinks at him—already sprawled back over the couch—from outside, then shakes her head to herself, stepping over the threshold. She stands in front of the television, sliding her Supergirl backpack off her shoulder and putting it at her feet, even if Uncle Murphy starts glaring at her and waving her off. Her palms are sweaty and her throat is dry and, is it her, or is it super hot in here? Just as the glare starts turning deadly, she blurts out, panicky, “I want to talk to you about something.”

“Madi, we’ve discussed this,” he sighs heavily, using one hand to rub his forehead and the other to chuck his controller somewhere on the couch beside him before moodily crossing his arms over his chest. “Homework questions are for the Greens. For teen pregnancies, dial Aunt Raven—”

“No,” she breathes in protest, soft, a blush forming on her face as her brows furrow together in confusion.This is wrong . All wrong . His voice feels like it’s coming from a million miles away, blood rushing to her ears and making her feel a little dizzy.

“I’m strictly here for possible criminal activities. So that doesn’t mean a little shoplifting either, I mean actual murders and other felonies. Like an accidentally-on-purpose hit and run, or you're at a party and one of your little friends overdosed on crystal meth.”

“Well—” she starts, swallowing tightly, balling her fists at her sides. Can he just please let her speak? She can’t have people out there in the world thinking she’s getting high, or worse pregnant. Babies are the Worst.

“Oh god,” he snorts, folding his hands together like he’s praying. “Please tell me it was Charlotte.”

“No!” She cuts him off, sharply, shaking her head vehemently as she squeezes her eyes shut to push away the mental images. She knows he doesn’t like her friend, and sure, she’s a little impulsive but Madi’s certain Charlotte didn’t mean to frame him for throwing that brick through their geography teacher Mr. Pike’s front window. She was just really mad about that D-, and Madi’s uncle only drove them there to start with because he thrives on chaos and he had some old beef with the teacher from when he was in school himself. Somehow, after it was done, the waterworks came and it was either kidnapping, a felony, or malicious destruction of property. It was Murphy’s second offense, so he had to do a little jail time. Bygones, right?  “Listen—I didn’t have suh-s-sex or, or kill anybody.”

“Good,” he yawns, slouching even further into the couch cushions as he points an accusing finger at her, “because you should not have sex when you can’t even say the word on the first try or without blushing like a little schoolgirl.”

She is a little schoolgirl. Most of the time. “That, and I’m fourteen .”

He raises his hands, in a shrugging gesture, then picks up his controller again. He starts waving her off, “Now that we’ve cleared that up—”

It comes out like—like metaphorical projectile vomiting. He can only stare at her like she is a lunatic. Which she might be. Who invites three STRANGERS to her middle school graduation without her mom’s permission?

Uncle Murphy is texting throughout most of her monologue, but then perks up at the mention of a blog full of her mom’s personal stuff, shoving the phone back into his pants hurriedly.

“Whoa, whoa. Let me get this straight,” he starts, dryly as he holds up a hand as soon as she’s finished and allows herself to take a breath. “You invited three possible dads to your graduation, including Finn and Bellamy.” By the end of his sentence, he’s positively cackling .

Madi is sure he knows about most of this stuff, she’s sure. Like she’s not completely betraying her mom by revealing private personal information. But then again, he wasn’t there for most of it, she guesses. Mom told her she met Murphy in the free clinic when she was already pregnant with her. He worked there as an receptionist back then, because he was trying to ‘pick up chicks there’ or whatever and he wouldn’t leave her mom alone after that. He likes feeling needed. “Have you ever heard of such a thing,” Aunt Raven had quipped, low under her breath, “Going to a clinic and actually acquiring an STD? ”

It’s then Emori—his wife of three months who he has also known for three months—enters the room, hair wet from the shower and in her work uniform. She works at Dairy Queen at the moment and gets Madi free cotton candy blizzards whenever she wants to. Both of she and Murphy rotate jobs on the regular, never quite wanting to be stuck anywhere, just working enough to pay the bills.

She folds an arm around her waist, then raises her eyebrows, “Finn and Bellamy, huh?” It’s not fair that Emori has only been around for three months opposed to fourteen years and already seems to know more than Madi.

Emori and Murphy exchange a knowing glance which Madi watches carefully, like an ongoing tennis match, but can’t quite decipher. Then, Emori widens her eyes slightly before leaning down to peck him goodbye, patting him on the chest not-all-too-softly with her good hand. “John—please refrain from giving this girl any advice that might even have the tiniest bit of influence on her life, body or mental state, okay?”

“Shame. Was just about to suggest we get matching tongue piercings,” he jokes, with a quirk of his eyebrow, but that’s the thing, Madi’s not even sure he is joking.

Emori just shakes her head with a grin, then turns to her. “Mads, if you want to eat your feelings away—my shift’s until eleven, okay?” She winks, and then dashes out of the door with a wave over her shoulder.

Murphy—for once forgetting about the PlayStation that he treats like his firstborn—is already standing at his kitchen island, flipping open his laptop before Madi even turns her head back from the door. He's sneering, pleased. “Absolutely fucking scandalous. What’s the name of that blog again?”

She hasn’t ever seen Uncle Murphy in such a good mood. The last time was probably when he got two dozen squirrels high on Nyquil and then set them lose in Uncle Monty’s garden. It is in that moment, Madi realizes she’s made a grave mistake.

(To be fair, later—when he’s possibly ruined her life forever and only made matters worse—he does manage to calm her down. Just a smidge.

“Look, little rat—” His loving nickname for her ever since she was a baby, because he reminded her of those small naked mole-rats, smooth and hairless. “Take it from someone who’s parents loved him, but ended up loving alcohol just a little bit more—your mom won’t put you up for adoption over this.” He rolls his eyes, picking at his black nail polish disinterestedly. “We all know Miss Perfect would die for you.” He snorts, amused with himself. “Which is about the equivalent of being confronted by three of your exes at their probable daughter’s graduation party, I guess.” Madi groaned.

When she gets home, and her mom has made—and failed terribly at—her favorite cheesy gnocchi, and Madi gets back to feeling like dying. But it’s all good. Soon, it’s going to be over and she can come clean to her mom and never lie to her again. Like Never Ever. )

GRADUATION DAY

Her mom bought her a nice off-the shoulder sweater—black, of course because that’s their happy color—and lets her pair it with a jean skirt and her mom’s old vintage dr. Martens with a flowery print. Madi braids the front of her own hair into a crown, the rest of it flowing down her back. She makes her mom wear the long-sleeved nude and red colored dress she bought for a wedding last year, and also forces her to wear make-up. It’s not like her mom doesn’t look nice either way, but she’s been strictly single since Lexa left and if any of her dads would like to get back together with her mom, that would just be a win/win, right? They could be a real family. And if they don’t, well. They’ll see what they’re missing.

The ceremony mostly goes off without a hitch, but Madi’s too nervous, looking out at the crowd, looking for any familiar faces and almost doesn’t catch her own name. She forces herself not to be disappointed it comes to an end and she hasn’t seen any of her dads. Most of them RSVP'd. Except for Roan, he never replied to her email so he's a bit of a wildcard. But Octavia sent her the thumbs up emoji, and Finn replied to her message, said he would come and asked her if her mom knew. She just decided it was better to ignore that last question.

The party is great. All Madi’s friends are there—Aden, Charlotte, Ethan, Peter, Reese. The Green kids, Jordan and Kyra. They’re eight and six, so not exactly her crowd, but they follow her around a lot and it’s cute. Deon, Wells and Gaia’s son, is also there, but he’s two and still has separation anxiety so he’s mostly attached to his mom’s hip.

Then—then there’s her dads, too. She has so many people in her life, but she feels like she can always make room for more. She sees Roan first, not hard to miss with his man-bun and every lady in his vicinity stop-drop-and-staring into his direction as he makes himself a drink. A very fancy drink, because he’s using their Cobbler cocktail shaker Madi’s almost one-hundred percent certain her mom only put there for decor and has never used a day in her life.

Just as she’s practicing how to say hello in her head and psyches herself up to go over there, Kyra is pulling on her sleeve, her big brown eyes so endearing that she’s doesn’t have the heart to walk away while she’s shoving a barbie into her face and telling Madi about the doll’s life story.

The six year old is just about halfway through telling her how her barbie made the career switch from doctor to farmer after her second divorce when her eye catches that of another person. Finn, she realizes, the breath knocked out of her. He looks almost sheepish, rubbing the back of his neck before lifting his free hand in a small wave. He looks so out of place. Maybe she’s made a mistake.

She can barely lift her hand before her mother is pulling her inside the house and into the kitchen. Madi braces herself, because she has never seen her mom look so angry. Not even when Lexa took that human rights lawyer job on the other side of the country without even consulting her, and she was really mad then. Madi still emails with Lexa on the regular, but her mom is really good at holding grudges.

Aunt Raven and Uncle Zeke are already there, the first one cradling a virgin daiquiri in her hand like it’s some kind of comfort and the latter sticking fruit on skewers so it resembles a rainbow, both sporting one of those uncomfortable yet almighty 'none of my business'  looks.

Her mom doesn’t say anything at first, a heavy silence in the air, just opens the fridge and takes out Madi’s graduation cake. She starts taking it out the box, lifting it into a platter before yanking open their cutlery drawer. Her jaw ticks, then it finally comes as she slams a knife down beside the platter. “Madi, what the hell did you do?”

Madi winces, swallowing tightly. “I read your blog,” she starts, and then the rest comes out like verbal diarrhea. If anything, it feels good to finally confess to all of it.

Her mom stops making eye-contact about halfway through, just focusing on cutting the cake into even slices and Madi doesn’t know if that’s better or worse. It’s quiet for a painfully long minute while her mom mules it over, until she finally stops chewing on her lip and builds up the courage to blurt out, “I’m sorry, mom. Please don’t be mad.”

When she opens her eyes, which she had squeezed shut in the heat of the moment, her mom doesn’t look any happier, but at least she’s looking at her directly again. “Then why the hell are Niylah and Anya here?” It’s not acceptance, not yet, but she’s talking. That’s good. Her mom likes to avoid the hard stuff, mostly.

Madi holds up her hands in defense, shaking her head quickly. “That wasn’t me, I swear.”

Raven clears her throat, resting the fruit skewer she was working on gobbling down on the counter in front of her. “'Uncle' Murphy,” she air quotes, with a roll of her eyes, licking some juice of her hand, “found out about her little plan and did some research of his own. He thought it would be funny to invite all of your exes.”

Mom grits her teeth together, picking the knife back up. “Where is he?”

Zeke puts down the skewer in his hand, resting it on Clarke’s arm instead, guiding it down until she puts the blade down. To his credit, his eyes are only slightly widened. “Chill out, Clarke. Emori still doesn’t know half the sh—” his eyes flick between Madi and the knife almost nervously, “—stuff he’s pulled.”

Raven snorts, but by the rough way she stabs her now empty skewer into an empty rind of watermelon has Madi suspecting she’s not actually amused. “Remember that time he was convinced he was in love with me?”

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” Madi pipes up—genuine, because Aunt Raven is a total badass smoke-show, who wouldn’t love her?—and she cannot stop beaming because this is the Good Frigging Suff. She’s finally reached the age where they don’t censor their stories anymore. She’s getting all the dirt. As soon as she makes eye-contact with her mom, she wipes the smile off her face though.

“It was at our wedding,” Zeke laughs, confident, because he’s always confident and apparently he’s not at all threatened by Uncle Murphy or his so-called romantic feelings for his wife. 

“I almost murdered a man at my wedding, can you believe that?” Her fingers are digging into the counter so hard, her knuckles are turning white. “I actually stalked over to him and started choking him,” she actually mimics the gesture, which is gold, “right there, in front of all my friends and family, all because that love-depraved, psychotic motherfucker confused love with being in love. Fucking idiot.”

Mom makes an indecipherable but definitely alarmed noise, something she does a lot around curse words, cutting them off. “Let's end the trip down memory lane before we scar my child for life, huh?”

“I would,” Raven smirks, pleased, as she nods over to Madi, “but I think the kid brought memory lane to us.”

Her mom throws her hands up, balling them into fists like she’s physically trying to take a grip of her sanity, letting out a small groan. “God, why did I let you guys show her Mamma Mia? I knew it was going to give her ideas.”

“Hey. Don’t blame us for your failures as a parent,” Zeke teases, nudging her with his elbow. “Besides. You can’t go to high school without having seen a classic like Mamma Mia.”

“You guys knew about this the entire time?” Her mom’s eyes turn into sliths, jerking away from Uncle Zeke like this just now dawned onto her. Madi just wishes she could disappear into the wallpaper. She never meant to drag anyone else into this. Beside Uncle Murphy, but they don’t call him a cockroach for nothing.

“I kind of figured it out when she started asking me about how to track down people on the web anonymously, IP addresses, proxies, that kind of stuff. Said it was for a school project,” Raven shrugs, running a hand over her bump as she swallows down a burp. Then she crosses her arms over her chest, one eyebrow quirked, “She was smart about it too, because when I started getting suspicious, instead of asking me more, she went to Zeke.”

“She just made one rookie mistake,” Zeke grins with laughter, exchanging a look with his wife before looking back at Madi with his eyebrows raised. “She forgot me and Raven actually share everything with each other.”

Clarke pretends to stab herself with the knife, and Madi pretends to throw up. The two of them share one of their giddy mom-daughter looks, but then, just as quick, her mom’s frowning again. She sighs, and steps closer to her daughter. Her mouth opens but then it snaps shut again. Her hand lingers in the air for a second, like she wants to squeeze Madi’s shoulder or push back her hair like she always does, but then it’s back at her side.

“Have you met them yet?” She asks, voice just a little too steady to be natural.

“Yeah, I saw Roan, and then Finn. I wanted to go over and say hi but then you noticed them as well I think,” Madi admits, sheepish. “I don't think Bellamy is here.”

Her mom sighs again, heavy and tense, and then finally, like Madi’s re-entering her body for the first time in three months, the corner of her mom’s lips turn up slightly. She’s not mad anymore. “He’ll come.” Mom glances over at Raven—who just gives her friend a small, sad smile—and then tucks a loose strand of hair behind Madi’s ear, wistful look in her eyes. “He always comes.”

Her mom is stubborn, which Madi is, too. She is resilient, which Madi likes to think they share as well. Mom is logical, just like Madi, most of the time. But she is also creative, even though Madi can barely draw a believable stick figure. She’s calm and calculated, especially when there’s an emergency, but Madi has a little bit of a temper and is a little impulsive. Mom also likes to avoid problems, or more like, likes to run away from them. Madi likes to face everything head on, like her gut tells her to.

She wonders if those are qualities she shares with her dad, instead.

Call her a dreamer, but she just always thought she would just know. She would look at her dad across a room or a crowd, and she would just feel it.

In reality, it proves to be much more difficult than just picking a Dad out of a line-up.

Finn is nice. He’s just a little bit awkward, like it’s just painfully obvious he never talks to kids. His smile is good, though and she can tell he is really trying. They talk about normal stuff, and they don’t mention the whole ‘dad’ thing. Her pulse is fluttering quickly in her throat the entire time.

“Hey,” she says, when she finds him at the snack table, because she’s not sure how to do this whole thing and ‘hey’ seems safe. His eyes widen at the sight of her and he puts a napkin filled with those horse things down on the table, wiping his hands on his pants. For a second she thinks he might go in for a hug, but then he doesn’t. “Hey!”

“I got you something,” he starts, shifting the backpack on his shoulder to take out a pink box. He hands it to her, and she starts unwrapping it. “I’m not sure—I saw on your Facebook that you liked animals, so I thought. I thought you might like it.”

The marvelous book of magical horses. A coloring book. Great. What is she, seven? She quickly wipes the frown of her face, though, because this is not who her mom raised her to be. She does like animals. It’s been a fourteen year lifelong quest to get a puppy or kitten now.

“I do,” she insists, swallowing tightly. She meets his eyes, forces a smile on her face. There's an unfamiliar, hollow feeling in her chest. “I do. Thank you.”

“It’s recyclable, too,” he adds, and she just widens her smile, even if it’s a little uncomfortable and strained. Then they’re just staring. Or she is standing there being stared at. He takes his time studying her, she guesses she could call it.

“Wow,” he says after a silence that drags on for just a moment too long, and then shakes his head a little at the taken aback look on her face, smoothing back some of his long hair behind his ears. “Sorry. You just. Uhm. You have your mother’s eyes.”

“Yeah,” Madi just says, short, and she might be getting a little irritated. She doesn’t even know why. She just knows this jerk hurt her mother, he’s a bad gift-giver and everything about their exchange is awkward. That’s all she knows.

“I’m sorry. I don’t really know how to do this,” he apologizes, and she actually feels bad for him. She doesn’t know how to do this either and she can’t really judge him until she’s heard his side of the story. There’s always two sides, grandma always says. “I mean—I don’t know any kids your age and when I went to the toy store I was just suddenly confronted by crippling realisation I’m getting old. Do kids even play with toys anymore, or do they just, I don’t know,” he shrugs, grinning, and she has to give it to him. He’s charming, good at talking his way out of stuff. “Sit on the internet and look at memes the entire day?” He pronounces memes like mee-mees and Madi has to stifle a laugh. His face lights up, like he’s found an in.

“What are those?” He jokes, hands stuffed in his pockets even though he points them at the direction of her shoes, but he sounds a little too unsure of himself (or his knowledge of memes) so in turn it falls a little flat. Then they share a nervous laugh, some of the tension breaking. He does a stiffly executed dab, and Madi’s full on wheezing. She might be on the verge of crying and that might be why she is overdoing it a little, but honestly. This is hilarious. This man in front of her might be her dad and he just gave her a coloring book full of horses and they’re standing in her backyard and her life is completely out of her control at this point.

Her mom finally stops hiding in the kitchen and comes over—like she senses fun in the air and won’t have it—and it’s obvious by the way she’s looking at Madi that she wants the following conversation to be a private one. So she ducks her head and books out.

Roan is funny. He gives her a folding pocket knife ‘in preparation for high school’ as a graduation present (that her mom promptly lifts from her hands as soon as she steps away), refers to Deon as ‘it’ for the entirety of their conversation, talks to him like he’s a full grown adult and had a staring contest with Jordan until he started crying. Madi doesn’t think he does it on purpose. He’s just, intense .

“What do you look for in a father?” He starts, two sentences in, like she put up an add on Craigslist for a Dad and now they’re having a meeting about it.

She shrugs, trying to hide the fact she’s just a little bit panicked. “I don’t know.” She laughs nervously, jokingly adding, “You want me to sign a contract or something?”

He doesn’t laugh. Instead, he purses his lips, pensive look on his already so-pensive face. “Mhm. We should discuss that at a later point in time.”

Deon is in a good mood today, and comes crawling over to them. He’s sucking on his pacifier, and starts pulling on Roan’s pant leg. It’s his own fault for dressing like an actual pirate, ripped hem and all. Gaia and Wells wave over at her when Madi looks over her shoulder, just a few feet away. It’s a nice gesture—she knows they’re only listening to Marcus’ gospel on the dangers of social media because he was standing conveniently close to Roan and they want Madi to feel safe. Which she understands and is grateful for. This is a grown man. Dad or not, grown strange man are a little scary on principle.

“Young man, don’t do that,” he tells Deon, actually kicking his foot a little. The toddler just giggles though, rainbow colored pacifier falling from his mouth as he continues to pull Roan’s red sock up above his boots. “I order you to stop.” He looks up at Madi, almost helplessly, “Can you order it to stop?”

Madi tries to hide her laughter, then ducks down to pick up the toddler (and the pacifier as well, stuffing it in her backpocket to clean later), his sepia tinted hand latching onto her hair immediately. She’s sure he starts chewing on it as well, but that’s okay.

Her eye catches her mom, at the bar, talking to a different guy. Their backs are turned towards Madi, but she’s sure she’s never seen him before. But. He’s tall, has curls, and he’s his (possibly frustrating?) hands to articulate a story—that she assumes—can only be about a person he cares a lot about and loves enough to make fun of in public. Octavia?

“Thank you for coming, Roan,” she concludes their meeting abruptly, starting to turn away, then, as a final thought, offers him a nod and a hand. He shakes it, tilting his head slightly, impressed. “You’ve got a good grip, Madi.”

She nods, takes one more good look at him, and then turns on her heels. She hands Deon over to Uncle Wells, unlatching the toddler’s mouth from her hair, and he grins, ruffling her hair to most-likely get a rise out of her. She’s too busy watching her mom laugh at something Probably Bellamy is saying to do the usual—a punch in the arm or a kick in the shin—and only absentmindedly smooths back her frayed crown.

“You should go say hi,” Gaia says, running her hand over Madi’s arm and pulling her back to reality. Madi blinks up at her, and her aunt just beams, waving her off. “Go on.”

She looks at her uncle, who smiles encouragingly, and then her bonus grandpa, who does this little solemn nod. She doesn’t know if he’s even aware of what the hell is going on, but Madi imitates the gesture, taking a deep breath. This all just feels so loaded all of a sudden. After she’s met him, it’s final. She’s met all three. She’s met her dad. There's no going back from that.

“Bellamy,” she starts, and you’d think it get easier after doing this whole routine twice now. “Mom said you would come.”

“Did she now?” He grins, glancing over at her mom for just a second before looking back at her. “You must be Madi.” She nods and the corners of his lips twitch. “I was very impressed by your message. You had me sold on the cake.”

She chuckles, just a little, then catches her mom’s eye. It’s an even worse kind of nerve-wracking to meet a possible dad when she’s watching. “I oversold to be honest. Mom made it and she’s very good at a lot of stuff, just not baking. Or cooking, in general.”

He snorts, “Wow. Some things never change I guess.”

Her mom rolls her eyes, but it’s only half-hearted. “Shut up. You burn some toast once—”

“Burned it so badly fire sprinklers flooded my entire dormitory,” he counters, quick, and it’s almost weird to watch her mom like this. Like she’s known this whole person forever, shares history and jokes with him, and Madi never even knew about it. “Besides, it’s toast, Clarke. I bet Wells’ kid could make that right now.”

“Yeah, well,” she mumbles, petulant, her neck flushing. “I was distracted.”

“I got you this,” Bellamy says, casually holding out a book. There’s a little red bow stuck onto the cover page. The Iliad, it reads. “I know you might not like it now, and especially not when they make it a mandatory read in high school, but it’s a classic. It’ll even look good just collecting dust on a shelf.”

“Thanks,” she replies, taking the gift from him and paging through the first few chapters. She feels weirdly flattered that he feels she would mature enough for a book like that. She takes a deep breath, looking back up at him. He's treating her like an adult, so maybe she should try and act like one, too.

“So, I know this kind of came out of nowhere. I went through my mom’s personal, well, diary, I guess and I read some things I maybe shouldn’t have. Private stuff. I’m sorry for that, but you have to understand—I was only trying to get to know you. Or Finn. Or Roan. I wasn’t trying to take you away from your job and ruin your life, or even change it. I just—” she trails off at the look on his face.

“Are you through?” He cuts in, obviously amused. She’s glad he finds her deteriorating mental state amusing. She is grateful he doesn’t seem to want to make a big deal out of all of this, though. He understands. Still, her cheeks are red from holding in her breath so long and it feels good to let it out, with a final nod.

He grins, leaning back against the bar, one elbow on top of it, and she feels a little bit more at ease. There’s a softer look in his eyes. “Good. I’m glad you invited me. I haven’t taken a day off work for five years now. I would’ve never taken a leave if it wasn’t for you. What’s a better excuse than ‘I might have a child roaming around a few states over'? My boss gave me three weeks. It was great leverage.”

“You’re welcome?” She offers with a cheeky smile, and then he holds up his palm. She smacks it, and it’s a satisfactory slap. She feels better already.

“What do you think?” He asks, squinting his eyes conspiratorially and she pretends to think it over, putting a finger on her chin. “A seven, at least.”

“Hmm, a C." He raises his eyebrows, sucking his teeth mockingly. “You’ll have to try harder next time.”

“Hey! I did all the hard work,” she retorts, offended, as she crosses her arms over her chest. Accusatory, “You just stood there and held up your hand.”

He laughs and then Madi suddenly remembers her mom is there as well, and turns her head to look at her, suddenly feeling a little heavier. Mom’s just smiling—absently, maybe sad, too—following their exchange quietly as she sips on her drink.

“Did you—” Madi starts, and she hates this. Her and mom never fight, not like this. Because it’s not really fighting. She thought mom wasn’t mad, and she isn’t. She’s disappointed, and that’s worse. Now she doesn’t even know how to talk to her. “How did it go, with Finn, I mean?”

She sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. Her shoulders are tense. “Honey, I hope you don’t mind but I sent Finn home for now,” her mom answers, and all of sudden, Madi is fuming. She must notice—she always notices—because she softens her voice, “We can talk about it later, yeah?”

Her brow creases together, because this is what her mom always does. She doesn’t like seeing Finn, so she just sends him away. Avoids the problem and doesn’t even talk to Madi about it beforehand. This is her life, too. This might have been her only chance to talk to him. What if he leaves? What if he doesn’t feel welcome anymore?

The odds are high she’s about to snap at her mom, but then she’s sprayed in the literal face with what she hopes is water. She gasps, the cold liquid dripping down her chin. It’s then she notices Jordan standing behind Bellamy, giggling uncontrollably with a water gun in his hand.

“Oh, it’s on,” she yells, already storming towards him as she wipes her face with her hand. She’s just glad she gets to step away from her mom for a second. Jordan bands together with his sister, and it’s all kinds of unfair, because then it’s two against one.

She corners Jordan and forces him into a temporary armistice to gather some forces. He agrees because Madi tells him she’ll tell his mom if he doesn’t.

After ten minutes, she’s swapped her sweater for a spaghetti strap top and assembled enough people for a real fight. Uncle Wells and aunt Gaia took Deon home because he was getting fussy and grandma was called into work. Aden had fencing practice so he left, too. Aunt Harper and Aunt Raven sit this one out, because they’re both carrying a child, but the first one does unravel Madi’s plait and quickly redoes her hair into two dutch braids to get her ready for battle.

Madi hands Bellamy a gun, avoiding eye-contact with her mom. “You’re on my team.”

“I thought high school was the start of a new era,” he notes, dry and she glares at him. “Shut up. This is war.”

She unloads another gun from her shoulder and shoves it into her mother’s direction. It doesn’t clatter to the floor, so she guesses she took it. “You can be on Jordan’s team,” she mutters, then throws over her shoulder, “Bellamy, our teampost is by the shed. Meet you there in two.”

“You can be on Jordan’s team? Ouch. That was cold,” she overhears Bellamy say to her mom as she stalks away, and it just further angers her that Mom actually laughs like this is all just a big joke. Madi’s just a child, her feelings on the matter aren’t important, ha-ha.

“What’s our tactic, commander?” Bellamy saunters over to them, shaking the hands of the people he doesn’t know, completing their team of seven. It’s her, Zeke, Murphy, Charlotte, Ethan, Bellamy and she asked Niylah. She was tempted to ask Anya, too, because she looked mean, but opted not to, because she looked mean. Peter sits this one out, too, because he has asthma.

She makes an appreciative noise, because she does quite like that nickname, but pretends not to be too phased by it. “I say we sacrifice one member. He or she can charge at them—they won’t expect it—take out Emori and Mom because they’re the most dangerous, and then we’ll go in and take down the rest.”

“It’s a good plan,” Zeke agrees, pumping his Super Aqua Blaster 1200 like he’s loading a shotgun. He put his bandana around his head. “It shouldn’t be hard.”

“I volunteer Charlotte,” Murphy pipes up, sneering, and Madi glares at him. Charlotte just rolls her eyes.

“I’ll do it,” Niylah cuts in, dramatically, “I’ll take one for the team.”

“We thank you for your sacrifice,” Madi nods, bowing her head at her with a little twirl of her hand. “Even though I know you’re only doing this because you want to take out my mom.”

“True,” she counters, faux-pensive look on her face. “She never called me back, you know. It broke my poor heart.”

“Boo-hoo,” Raven calls over from her lawnchair, hands cupped around her mouth. Harper is in fits beside her. Madi can relate, because her other aunt has always been a great heckler. “Wrap up the sob stories and get to the violence!”

“I’m going, I’m going,” Niylah yells back, shaking her head lightly before saluting Madi and disappearing towards the house. It’s the other team’s post. Team Jordan is Jordan, Kyra, Emori, Roan, Reese, Monty, and Clarke.

“Can’t believe I married that savage woman,” Zeke sighs, mockingly, clapping Madi on the shoulder. “Let’s get to it.”

Murphy shudders. “Can’t believe you let that monster procreate.”

Madi kicks him in the shin, and maybe she’s suffering from a little misplaced anger, but still. “Shut up. Don’t talk about her like that. Focus. You’re not going to screw this up for me!” So maybe she’s treating this game like it actually matters to distract herself from the scary truth. She has a dad, but he’s not what she expected.

He mutters something under his breath, along the lines of  'hobbit', and Madi decides to ignore him. She waves her hand in a circular movement, charging forward to the snack table. They can hide behind it and watch Niylah get brutally murdered before ending team Jordan once and for all.

Niylah just finished stuffing some cheesy puffs into her mouth before passing Raven and Harper on the lawn chairs. The trees behind them provide some shade. Niylah’s walking over the open grass, stretching between the house, the chairs, the party arrangements and the shed when Team Jordan come running and yelling from the house.

Niylah has nowhere to hide, so she won’t have long. She fires at Jordan, who’s at the front, and then manages to dodge a counterattack. While on the ground, she manages to hit Reese, who stomps her foot and throws the gun on the ground before plopping down in front of Harper. Water is flying everywhere and Niylah dies a honorary death. She doesn’t get her mom or Emori, but she did her best.

Madi holds up a fist, and they start running towards the open field. Chaos unfolds. There’s water everywhere. Madi hits Kyra right in the chest—victory!—and then starts to chase Roan. Emori and Bellamy are by the trees, trying to get a good shot at each other.

Jordan takes out Ethan, and then Madi manages to trap Roan against the fence, firing at him until he’s soaking wet. Murphy literally chases Charlotte until she trips and then unloads his gun on her until she’s drenched, and then proceeds to take out himself, fist in the air, “To freedom!”

“Uncle Murphy!” She yells, aggravated, slapping at the air. Death by suicide, really? She doesn’t have time to kick his ass because Zeke is about to be surrounded by the remaining Greens, so Madi runs over to him, their backs against each other.

“Oh, come on, Mads,” Uncle Monty says, smiling sweetly as he threads closer, tension thick in the air because either of the four could fire any second. “Let’s just, lay down our weapons, and talk about this?”

"You first," she challenges. Emori squeaks as Bellamy hits her right in the face, creating a temporary distraction, and like they’ve discussed it before, Madi goes for Jordan and Zeke goes for Monty. They both escape. It’s now three against three.

Madi narrows her eyes, something isn’t right. Where is—her mom comes out of the house, walking slowly. She’s unarmed, which is weird, holding up her hands in defense. “Madi, I just want to talk—” Mom starts, and Madi’s finger hovers over the trigger. Bellamy joins their line-up, standing beside Zeke.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Madi says, petulant and a little snobby.

Mom hits Zeke right in the chest with a water balloon before they can even register it. They didn’t see it coming. They never saw it coming. Mom outsmarted her. They're fools. Absolute fools.

Zeke pouts, telling her sorry with a shrug before he droops off towards his wife. Madi crouches down to take his Aqua Blaster, never breaking eye-contact with her mom, until she has one in each hand.

Next, she yells, “GO!” and Madi and Bellamy run in opposing directions. Her mom and Monty chasing her, Jordan going after Bellamy. Madi manages to take out Uncle Monty, but then her mom has up against the fence and she has nowhere to go.

Her mom holds up two water balloons, adjusting them in her hands like she's feeling out melons at the groccery store, tilting her head slightly. “Madi, put down the guns.”

“Never,” she bites back, and it might mean something more than that. Suddenly, Bellamy treads towards them, Jordan under his arm, his supersoaker pressed to the top of his head. Jordan is squirming, but he’s obviously trying to suppress a laugh.

“Clarke,” he warns, voice low and mock-serious. “Put down the balloons.”

“I don’t think so,” she counters, eyebrows raised as she takes a step back, now aiming one balloon at Madi, and one at Bellamy. Then she nods, and for a second, Madi is confused. But, like she should’ve seen coming, Jordan steps down on Bellamy’s foot with a loud ‘SORRY!’, takes the gun from him and throws it towards her mom. All the while Mom throws a balloon at Bellamy. She misses, and it thuds down at his feet. He quickly picks it up, Jordan back in his grip.

Now Mom has a super soaker pointed at Bellamy, a water balloon aimed at Madi, Madi has two water guns aimed at her mom and Bellamy is holding a balloon above Jordan’s head.

“You’re going to have to make it a killshot, princess,” he smirks, and Madi remembers reading about the nickname and how it made her mom’s blood boil. Yet, there she is, beaming.

She eyes the waterbomb in his hand, then cocks her head. “No problem,” she counters, and just takes out both Bellamy and Jordan in one swell swoop. "Acceptable losses, acceptable losses."

Bellamy pulls on his shirt, now clinging to his body, shaking his head a little to get the water out of his eyes as he ruffles Jordan’s hair with his other hand. “Sorry. She is ruthless, buddy.”

Her mom and Bellamy are so busy smiling dumbly at each other, like idiots, stupid, Madi can close some of the distance between them. She takes this as an opportunity to unleash all hell on her mother, firing off her guns until they’re completely empty.

Her mom laughs, stuffing the soaker under her arm as she presses her thumb and forefinger into her eye sockets, probably trying to get the excess water from her eyes as she takes a step closer. Some of her hair sticks to her forehead. “You fought a good fight, Mads. Congrats.”

She grins, and Madi swallows tightly. For some unknown reason, instead of feeling happy because of her victory, Madi feels like crying. She’s so distracted with the feeling, she doesn’t even notice her mom dropping the balloon that was still in her hand on top of Madi’s head. “Ha! That’s payback for taking out your poor mother.”

Her eyes are brimming with tears, her hands shaking and the guns drop at her feet without her permission. “Madi—” her mom starts, alarmed, any and all teasing gone from her voice, but she’s already shaking her head, feet taking her away from her mother, from Bellamy and Roan and possibly even Finn, from all of it.

Ironically, when someone knocks on her door, it’s the person she least expects. It’s Bellamy. She’s curled on top of her bed on her side, knees pressed against her chest and hand fisted into her pillow. She doesn’t turn around at the sound of his voice.

“Hey kid,” he says, and the bed dips when he sits down on the foot end, keeping a respectable distance from where she’s actually lying.

“What?” She bites, head snapping to look over her shoulder at him, and it tastes like salt whenever she talks.

“Just came to congratulate you on our fantastic win,” he says, casual. “We couldn’t have done it without our commander.” Like that, he knows just what to say, and he’s saying the right thing—or the wrong thing, really, because her whole body shakes from the sobs.

“Hey, hey,” he breathes, soft and he gets up from the bed and kneels down beside her on the other side. He puts his hand on her back, rubbing comfortingly. “I thought I said we won . What part of that did you not understand?”

“Stop,” she sobs, and she’s laughing and crying at the same time and her stomach hurts and she looks like a complete mess, she knows she does. She shoves his shoulder, pushes herself off the bed so she can sit up. He’s grinning, but there's still a little worry around the edges. She wonders how many times he had to talk his sister down from the emotional-teenage-girl-ledge. “You’re a jerk.”

He pulls out something from under his arm, a towel, and offers it to her. “That’s why you shouldn’t approach strangers on the internet.” She starts dabbing her face with the cloth, sniffing a little. At least she’s not sobbing like a lunatic anymore. Bellamy squints his eyes at her. “Did you know they could turn out to be real jerks ?”

She smiles, thankful for the distraction, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. She swallows, tightly, leaning back against her headboard. It’s quiet for a second, not uncomfortable, just quiet, and then Madi sniffs again, absentmindedly pulling on a lose thread of the towel.

“Hey, Bellamy?” She croaks out, and she can already feel the tears coming again, but she forces them away. She doesn’t dare looking at him. “I guess you’re not my dad, huh?”

“No,” he confirms, and he almost sounds regretful, too. She bets he’s glad he dodged that bullet. “I don’t think so kiddo.”

“Hey,” he whispers, and she must be crying again because he eases himself onto the bed while he takes a corner of the towel and brushes at her cheeks. “It’s okay. Whoever is your dad is the luckiest guy in the world. Look at you, you’re doing great.”

She huffs, choking on a laugh she hadn’t expected, shaking her head at him through the tears. Then, she licks her lips, swallowing down a sob. “Do you know what happened between them?”

He isn’t saying it, but they both know it. Bellamy isn’t her dad, and neither is Roan. She guesses subconsciously she did know, when she looked at him. When he smiled, that’s when she knew for sure. That’s her smile. But she pushed it away, pretended like it was a fair shot for all three, because she wasn’t ready. She wasn’t ready to deal with the ‘why’. Why didn’t you want me?

He opens his mouth, then it snaps shut again. He looks conflicted. “I do,” at least he’s not lying, “but I think it’s better if you ask your mom about this.”

“Can I at least ask what happened between you two?” She’s never seen her mom look at anyone the way she looked at him just earlier. Longing.

He sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I guess—well, me and your mom didn’t really get along at first. She took some classes with my sister, Octavia, who I guess you know since you send her a message, and because of that, she was kind of stuck with me, too.”

“I think I was kind of gone on your mom the first time I met her, she was still with Finn then, but she didn’t like me at all. Like at all.” He presses, and Madi laughs. “She broke up with Finn and I guess I was just kind of there and then we dated for a little while.”

She draws her knees up to her chest, folding her hands together at her ankles. “Two weeks, right?”

“Yeah, two weeks, Veronica Mars.” He chuckles, low under his breath, and then sighs, biting on the inside of his cheek, wistful. “It were two really good weeks though.”

“And then you left?” She offers, voice small and curious. She already knows the ending to this story, but somehow she’s still rooting for it to end differently. He was moving three states away, her mom wrote on her blog, to start his master’s degree.

“Then I left,” he confirms. “I tried to bring up long distance once, or even the idea of just dropping out of grad school all together, but—you know your mom. She doesn’t really like talking about feelings, so she would never let me come out with it.”

Sheepishly, she fills in, “That you liked her?”

“That I loved her, yeah,” he clarifies, slight crease in his brow and he—her mom was loved by someone, and hearing the story now, Madi thinks that this is just one more thing she ruined. Her mom probably would have asked him to come back, sooner or later, if she hadn’t been pregnant. If it hadn’t been for Madi. “We didn’t really keep in touch, and eventually, I met Gina and then we got married.”

“You’re married?” She blurts out, surprise getting the best of her as she glances over at his hand. It’s not like she thought he was sitting around for fifteen years, pining after her mom. But, yeah. People don’t really exist as people with lives to her, unless she knows them personally.

He cocks an eyebrow, obviously having caught her not-so-discreet gaze. “I was. But we tried to have a baby, like you were once, and it almost happened, a few times. Then it just—then we just realized it wasn’t working. We weren’t working.”

She feels like a huge asshole. She feels justified in using that term right now. “Sorry,” she mumbles, and because she’s the absolute queen of comforting people, “That must’ve really sucked.”

“No, I’m sorry, was that—” he grimaces, squinting his eyes at her and tilting his head lightly. There’s a lightness to his voice that implies he’s worked through this, that it doesn’t weigh as heavy on his heart anymore like it used to. “T...MI?”

“Stop trying to pretend you’re cool please, we all know you aren’t.” She snorts, wholeheartedly unimpressed. “What’s your degree in again, history ?”

He puts a hand over his heart, expression mock-pained, and just like that, she feels a little better. “Ouch. You’re breaking my heart, kid.”

It’s quiet for another moment, and then just as he slaps his thigh lightly, ready to get up and give her a little time to herself, she pries, “Do you think you and mom—” She doesn’t finish her sentence, bites down on her lip instead.

“It’s been a long time, Madi. A lot has changed,” he reasons, and she understands he’s trying to let her down easy, but come on. He still talks about them together as an unit. “ We changed.”

Luckily, Madi is stubborn, just like her mom. “But you still have feelings for her.” It’s not so much a question as it is a statement. Madi has eyes.

“I’ll always have feelings for her,” he replies, automatic almost, and it’s a cop-out, but he might just be completely serious. He cares about her because he used to care about her lot, people do that all the time. Doesn’t mean they are in love, doesn’t mean there are lingering feelings of any sort. It does mean she shouldn’t be pushing it. It, frankly, leaves Madi a little disappointed. It must show because his face softens, and he changes his answer. The next part feels a lot like a promise. “We still breathing?”

Bellamy leaves, and Aunt Raven comes up a little after that, telling her the others left and she’s leaving soon, too. She hovers in the doorway, because she doesn’t like to give advice when it comes to touchy-feely stuff. She’s not as good at it as she is with other stuff, like mechanical engineering. “You should talk to your mom.”

Because she can’t help it, she just blinks at her aunt, unimpressed. “Really? I was just going to stay up here forever.”

“God, you’re a brat,” she retorts, faking a smile before slamming the door behind her. Her temper is even worse now, with the hormones, Madi forgot about that. Figuring she’s pissed off enough people today, she sends her a quick text while she treads down the stairs, half an hour later, offering her two free backrubs whenever she wants. She responds with a simple, 'you’re still a brat'. Uncle Murphy’s sent her a link to a song called ‘All By Myself’ and Reese left her a voice message that she’ll both check out later.

Her mom is washing off the dishes in the sink quietly, but when she hears footsteps she looks up. The corners of her lips turn up slightly, and just the sight makes her want to cry again. Her mom doesn’t deserve any of this. Madi pads over to counter and hoists herself on top of it.

Mom puts down the glass in her hand and dries off her hands with a towel. She opens the fridge and digs through it before reemerging with a box of chocolate milk. When Madi was little, five or six, and she would get upset—her mom would always get her the exact same thing. Boxed chocolate milk and a bearhug. She grew out of the milk, but she will never grow out of the hugs. She hopes it’s still a possibility tonight.

“Mom, I think I’m a little too old for that now.”

“Yeah,” she agrees, but she’s already pushing the straw through the top of the box. Madi takes it from her, sipping on it. It’s mostly for show, for having something to do with her hands.

It’s quiet, so quiet, Madi thinks her mom might be able to hear her heart beating a mile a minute. She starts with something simple. “Did Bellamy go home, too?”

“No,” her mom concludes, brow creased just slightly, leaning back against the counter so they’re standing slash sitting side by side. Madi’s pretty sure she’s just trying to humour her. “He’s in town for his entire leave. His mom still lives here, and I think his sister is going to stay with them for a few days, too.”

Madi nods, taking another sip of her chocolate milk as she kicks her feet slightly, trying to distract herself from her own thoughts.

Quiet, again. So quiet.

Then, at the same time, Madi says, “I’m so sorry, mom, I swear—” and Mom says, “Madi. Why did you do all this?”

Madi sighs, putting the box down beside her on the counter. “I did it because I’m going to be in high school soon, mom. I want to know who I am, where I come from.”

“Madi…” she scolds, but there’s not much heat to it. “You could've asked me.”

“You would’ve tried to stop me!” Her mom’s face softens, so she must agree. “And I thought maybe…” Madi trails off, biting down on her lip. She’s not sure she wants to share her stupidest thoughts with her mom. It’s almost embarrassing, in hindsight.

Mom presses, “Maybe what?” and it’s the crease between her brows that lets Madi know she has no choice but to follow through.

“That if you saw my dad, my real dad, you would realize you still love him. Since Lexa and you broke up—I just want you to be happy again, mommy.” Her voice is so strained, and the mommy just slips right out, and it’s like she’s six years old all over again, crying to her mother about a skinned knee.

The thing is. Lexa was around for the longest, and then, post-Lexa, for the longest, there was nobody. And maybe, now and then, she indulged herself in the slightest of fantasies. That maybe her mom never tried again because she was still hung up over someone. And that someone could be her dad. And then, they would be a family.

It’s stupid.

“I am happy, honey,” she exclaims, toying with one of Madi's braids, then poking her in the chest. “With you. You’re all I need.”

“In four years, I’m going to be gone,” she pushes, tight, words slipping out all at once and fingers digging into the edge of the counter to keep from crying again. “I’m going to be off to college and you’re going to be here all alone. I thought if I found my dad—”

“Madi,” she states, and there’s a laugh in her voice before it turns more serious. “Did it ever occur to you that I know who your father is?”

Madi purses her lips, not sure what to say. Her mom never really specified anything about her dad, and she isn’t going to slutshame her own mother, but she had a few adventures in the same general time-frame as getting pregnant. Madi just figured, you know. She didn’t. Not for sure, anyway. “Oh.”

Her mom puts a finger under her chin, tilting up her head like this is the last moment they’ll ever share. Like everything is about to be different. “Just know this— I know who you are and I know where you come from. A dad doesn’t change any of that.”

“I do, too.” Clarifying, Madi adds, ducking her head. “I know who my dad is I mean.”

Mom smiles, absent. “Yeah?”

“Roan was a little funny, but I kind of just felt it,” she admits, thinking back to the first of her dads she saw. To lighten the mood, she adds, “I feel like if I was his kid I would be a better soccer player.”

Mom laughs, soft, but then for some reason she seems to assume this means Madi thinks Bellamy is her father. Like Finn was never an option to Madi. Mom tries to let her down easy, uncomfortable look on her face. “Sweetie, Bellamy isn’t—he isn’t…”

“Mom,” Madi rolls her eyes, almost annoyed at her mom for not even being able to finish a sentence with his name in it or an emotional confession of some sort. “Bellamy isn’t my dad. I know that now that I’ve seen him. You made me take all those AP bio classes and I nailed those. I know—I know I would’ve looked more like him.”

Genetics work funnily, but Bellamy is obviously not white and she wouldn’t be as pale and pasty as she is. And the chance she would have blue eyes? They made her calculate this back in seventh grade and odds weren’t high. Besides, she just knew. Either way, in a small way and big way she’s relieved he isn’t her father. That would mean he was someone who never wanted her. And she likes him. He treats her like a person, and not like a draft version of Adult Madi.

Her mom nods, and it’s then Madi finally notices the tears in her eyes. She smiles through the tears, smoothing some frayed hair way from her daughter’s face. Her hands are shaking a little. “Sorry,” she croaks out, shaking her head a little as a tear slips down her cheek. “I know I should’ve told you some of this a long time ago. I just—”

“You tried to bear it all, so I wouldn’t have to,” Madi fills in for her, because she knows her mom better than anyone else in the world. She’s always trying to protect everyone, neglecting her own feelings. Madi catches her mother’s hand and squeezes her fingers and then takes in a deep breath. “What did happen? Between you and my—Finn?”

Her mom opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. It snaps shut. She swallows, tight, then rakes Madi’s face. She must see the conviction there, because she exhales, loudly and then explains. “Finn was my first everything. First kiss, first boyfriend, first love. When we went to college we decided to stay together, try and make it work. I went to Ark U, he went to a community college in LA two hours away from there.”

She licks her lips, pensive, nostalgic maybe. “It wasn’t what it used to be for a long time, but we made it through the first year and he would visit on weekends and holidays and it would be good then. Good enough for me to convince myself to stay with him. First loves—they’re complicated.”

Madi squeezes her hand, bracing herself for what’s coming. “I decided to surprise him one weekend for his birthday. Your grandpa died a month before that and I really wanted to see my boyfriend. He texted that he couldn’t make it that weekend because his car was broken, so I just borrowed my dad’s old truck from my mom and drove over there instead. Saturday was amazing, then on Sunday his other girlfriend showed up.”

The teenager’s eyes soften. “The Mechanic was Aunt Raven, right?”

“Yeah,” she confirms, nodding her head lightly as she bites on the inside of her cheek. She continues, after a small pause. “She was working in a repair shop nearby his college, they met on introduction weekend freshman year but she had to eventually drop out before school even started because of the accident with her leg. She lost her scholarship, she was practically homeless—it was a whole mess.” Mom grimaces, hugging herself. “He was there for her when she needed him and—and. He’d been seeing her for over a year.”

“Wow, mom. That’s horrible.” Queen of comfort. Queen of comfort. It’s not fair. Her mom always knows what to say. Madi can only ever come up with the verbal equivalent of ‘there, there’.

She forces a smile on her face, for Madi’s sake, she knows that much. “I found out I was pregnant and well, you know the rest.”

It’s not really a question, more an assumption of sorts. The sky is blue, water is wet, her dad didn’t know she existed. “You never told him.”

Her mom sucks in a breath, holding it for a second while she contemplates what to say. What she does say, knocks the breath right out of Madi.

“I did,” she reveals, remorseful, keeping her eyes tightly on Madi’s. “He knew. He even came visit you in the hospital. It’s just—” Mom inhales sharply, pulling on the sleeve of her dress. “He still wanted to be with me, he brought a ring and everything but. That was never an option.”

A small part of Madi wants to be mad at her mother. Like. See, he wanted to marry her. They could have been a family. She would’ve had a dad all this time, if her mom had followed through. But she wouldn’t have been happy, and Madi wouldn’t really have been wanted. Sure, he would’ve ended up loving her because she’s kind of awesome, but maybe her mom would have ended up resenting her instead. They’re all could and would have beens. Madi knows one thing for sure, and that’s that she has the best mom in the world. Period. Screw having a dad. They’re overrated.

Madi shakes her head roughly, nose scrunched up and fingernails pressing into the palm of her hands. He did never want her. He never wanted her. He never wanted her. Deep down, she’d known. The look on his face when he saw her. He knew. He knew all this time. “So if he couldn’t have both of us—”

“I think… I think it just wasn’t what he had planned for himself and when he found out about Bellamy, I think.” She sighs, rubbing her temples like she has a headache coming on. “I think he kind of lost it.”

Madi doesn’t want a dad like him. She thinks of Uncle Murphy, how he said his parents loved him, but they loved alcohol just a little more. She thinks it’s like that with Finn, too. He might have cared about Madi out of principle, but he loved her mom. If he couldn’t have her, couldn’t have it all, he wanted none of it. She resents him for that.

“He got to have a whole extra girlfriend and you didn’t even get to have a rebound?” Mom sends her a strange look and Madi crosses her arms over her chest. She’s not a little girl anymore. “What? I watched The Rebound at the Greens’ just the other weekend.”

It’s a tradition between her, Jordan and Aunt Harper. They like to see Uncle Monty and Kyra mope and suffer through an hour and a half of romantic comedies whenever they have the chance. They only ever want to watch nature documentaries about fauna and flora. She hopes their third child doesn't end up influencing their carefully thought out movie voting system.

“He was never a rebound though,” mom admits cooly, wiping at the last stray tears on her face with her palms. She sniffs lightly, and she does that thing, with her nose, that Madi does, too. “I’d liked him for a long time and I think Finn kind of suspected.”

The youngest of the two cocks an eyebrow, unimpressed. “Even though you thought he was an asshole?”

Mom laughs, hoarse but real and it’s the best sound Madi’s heard in a while. The best thing is, she doesn’t ever scold her for using the word ‘asshole’. “Someday you’ll understand.”

“I’ve seen Ten Things I Hate About You and The Proposal. I’m practically an expert.”

Mom laughs even louder, pulling her into her chest and wrapping her arms around her smaller frame. It goes into Madi’s top three of Best Mom hugs ever.

Her mom pulls away, but she keeps her arm around her shoulder, rubbing her arm lightly. “You want some cake?”

“Yeah,” she grins, nuzzling her mom’s neck before the blonde pulls away and gets two plates out of the cabinet. Since they never really got to eat any dinner, Madi happily sits down at the kitchen island beside her mom and scarfs down the first bite. Then her tastebuds kick in and she almost throws it back up. She forces a smile on her face as her mom takes a bite as well.

Mom literally spits it back out on her plate, hastily scraping off her tongue with her fork. Madi tries hard not to laugh. “So I’m never going to attempt baking anything ever again, deal?”

“Deal. And then I get a dog.” It’s only fair.

“Ha,” she scoffs, pointing her fork at her. “Nice try. How about you come talk to me next time?” She nudges her with her elbow, teasing, “Instead of drawing your inspiration from a musical?”

Madi grins, and Mom does, too. She thinks they’re going to be alright. “So how about some pizza?”