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bird puns & irrationality

Summary:

“But, professor,” Hawks pouts. “If I don't take this class, I can't get my degree in my major, and I’ll fail my—”

“Then fail,” Endeavor says coldly.

Silence, again. Hawks feels his jaw drop, mouth formed in a perfect o as he scrambles for words.

“Holy shit,” Miruko says loudly.

“Holy shit,” Dabi agrees. “He got you good.”

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

On the first day of his last year in college, Hawks stops giving a flying fuck about anything and everything. He starts this grand idea off with his first class of the day—10:28 am, Hiro Building, second lecture hall on the left.

The class itself is genetics, which he'd regretfully been forced to take as a requirement for his major, but also because there are so many possible puns about the subject that it pretty much makes up for having Endeavor as the professor (nicknamed Endeavor because of the embarrassingly constant use of the word in his vocabulary during lessons).

So, like the bad bitch that he is, he waltzes into the lecture fifteen minutes late with an iced coffee in one hand and the other gripping the lone backpack strap swung over his shoulder. With the hand holding his coffee, he points his pinky finger out too, just to look like even more of a pompous prick. He thinks it's working pretty well, considering the death stare that Endeavor is giving him.

“G’morning,” he says, tipping his imaginary fedora at the man. “You’re Todoroki-sensei, eh? Fancy seeing you here, eh? I'm aboot ready to put the shrimp on the barbie, eh—?”

“Take a seat,” Endeavor says, eyebrows furrowed. He eyes the iced coffee as if he wants to rip it from Hawks’ hands and dunk it into the trashcan, which makes Hawks grip his Starbucks cup a little more tightly (just in case).

“As I was saying,” Endeavor continues, turning back to the rows of students. Hawks walks around him and takes a seat next to Miruko, his only friend who will engage in stupid shenanigans with him whilst still being brave enough to punch him when he’s being too stupid.

“Geez, what took you so long, slowpoke?” she grins, punching him on the shoulder so hard that it feels like his bicep ripples in slow-motion.

“I told you to stop doing that,” Hawks whines. “You punch way too hard! And I had to stop at Starbucks.”

“You stopped at Starbucks and didn't get me anything?!”

“No, I—well, yes, but I can explain—” Before he can finish, she punches him again. This time it feels ten times as hard, probably because it's fueled by anger and a shortage of caffeine.

“I'll let you off easy this time,” she warns, “but next time, you’ll be gettin’ a real beating!”

“Okay, okay,” Hawks relents, rubbing his shoulder. He sets his backpack down and chances a look at the guy sitting on the other side of him. He looks about the same age, with spiky black hair and blue eyes. His v-neck is dangerously low, to the point where Hawks immediately averts his eyes at the sight. Jesus, he just saw a lot more than what he expected. And also, how does this edgelord not have any chest hair? Does he shave it all?

He shakes his head slightly, bringing his attention back to the matter at hand.

“I expect all of you to take this course seriously and endeavor to do everything to your utmost ability. By the end of this hour, I will be expecting one essay turned in based on why you decided to explore the subject of genetics. But as of now, I would like all of you to share with either the person sitting next to you, or the entire class, three reasons why you decided to take this course.” Endeavor scans his audience like a bird of prey looking for fresh meat. “Any volunteers?”

The man sitting next to Hawks raises his hand lazily, leaning back in his chair like he totally owns the place. His piercings sparkle as he tilts his head. Holy shit, Hawks thinks, this guy is the biggest edgelord I’ve ever seen. Why is he wearing a leather jacket even though it's over 80 degrees Fahrenheit outside? He probably made holes in his skinny jeans on purpose so they'd look cool. So fucking edgy.

...He's kinda hot.

“Yes, Touya?” Endeavor says curtly. Huh, that's funny. Hawks always thought Touya was a given name.

“It’s Dabi,” Touya—or Dabi?—says flatly. He even has a hot voice, too! Hawks is starting to regret everything. “And I have a lot of reasons for taking this course. But I think the one that sticks out the most is getting to find out all the science behind why my biological father is such a piece of shit asshole who was never there for me. Maybe it’ll also explain the emotional trauma he left on me and the rest of our family.”

Complete silence fills the room.

“Damn,” Hawks mutters. “Talk about daddy issues." 

“Holy shit!” Miruko exclaims, nudging Hawks with her elbow. “Don't you get it, man?”

“Huh? Get what?”

She leans in. “Endeavor,” she hisses, “is his dad!”

“Holy shit!”

“I know!”

Other than the two of them hurriedly whispering to each other, the room is still so quiet that a pin could drop and make a noise. Dabi and Endeavor are still staring at each other, neither one backing down. It's so stiflingly awkward that Hawks feels like he could break into hysterical laughter at any moment (laughing in bad situations has always been one of his strong points). But he decides to take one for the team and break up the tension, because otherwise, he'll never get to leave this hellhole of a place.

“Ahem,” he coughs, as unsubtly as possible. Both Dabi and Endeavor turn their heads, frowning in annoyance. Hawks feels slightly intimidated having both of them look at him at the same time, identical blue eyes flashing.

“Could I, uh, also share my reasons?” he asks unsurely.

“Please,” Endeavor says through grit teeth. “Go. Ahead.”

“Well, I’m majoring in ornithology, which is the study of birds, and I know a lot of people are in here also studying other types of zoology,” Hawks begins. “So I guess you could say we’re all birds of a feather, haha. But anyway, it was kinda mandatory for me to take genetics so I can finally get out of here—but I digress!”

“Another reason why is cause I found it really fascinating learning about DNA and genes a few years back, and I was the top student in my class then. But not saying I’m a gene-ius or anything. And, you know, it'd also give me a bigger perspective on the whole thing. A bird’s eye view, I guess you could say. Haha, ha. Ha.”

“How interesting,” Endeavor says, forehead wrinkled in unamusement. “Now, is there anyone else who—”

“Oh, wait, wait,” Hawks says. “I’m not done yet. Sorry, I just—” he clenches his first “—love this class so much! It's a huge passion of mine! Just thinking about it makes me go cuckoo—”

“You know what, we don't have all day here,” Endeavor says sharply. “And if you're not going to take this course seriously, then I suggest switching out before you waste an entire semester.”

“But, professor,” Hawks pouts. “If I don't take this class, I can't get my degree in my major, and I’ll fail my—”

“Then fail,” Endeavor says coldly.

Silence, again. Hawks feels his jaw drop, mouth formed in a perfect o as he scrambles for words.

“Holy shit,” Miruko says loudly.

“Holy shit,” Dabi agrees. “He got you good.”

“You know what, Endeavor?” Hawks demands, shaking his head. He can't just let his own teacher roast him like a burnt rotisserie chicken!

“What did you just call me—”

“You’re right,” Hawks continues, thoroughly ignoring him. “You're so right. I should just spend another year in college and postpone this class. Maybe I’ll finally be mature enough to take it seriously, so I can become the bird doctor I always wanted to be.”

“Cause you know what they say,” he adds, a shit-eating grin spreading to the corners of his face.

“No,” Endeavor says. “Do not continue, I swear to—”

“Better luck nest time,” he snickers. Endeavor’s face turns red, and he lets out a bellowing roar that was probably heard around the entire building and at least half of campus. He marches towards Hawks’ seat, grabs the iced coffee off his desk, and crushes it in his hand like it's a scrunched up ball of paper.

“I hope these ingredients are perishable,” he snarls. “Because all you will ever do is PERISH!”

“Don't you dare disrespect caffeine like that!” Miruko yells like a battle cry, before jumping up and spin-kicking Endeavor in the face.

“Hey, i’m the one who got disrespected here!” Hawks protests, but Miruko is too busy beating Endeavor to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

“Damn,” Dabi says, pulling out his phone to film it all. “Gottem!”

Notes:

this was my gift for one of the hawks server events!! hope u liked it and remember to be a savage n DAB on them haters

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