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You can fight yourself, become your own worst enemy, rip yourself to shreds and be the reason that at night you fall down into the emptiness of your cold room and by your own design not be able to fall asleep. You can feel the nightmares rip over you like beastly claws, and you can feel the deep regret and demise build up in you and drown you in the tears that you have cried.
You can let the thoughts in your head become scrambled, run wild, and run confused. Let them run so that the words that come from your mouth are nothing but lies to hold in the feeling of terrible darkness that swarms your brain. As though there is a constant buzzing, deep whispers that keep you from saying what you think, keep you from asking for help, keep you from crying out .
Ask Todoroki Shouto, he’s gotten good at it.
He hides behind that stone cold glare and a voice that is colder than the ice that he creates. That ice he uses to wall himself up, keep it all in, keep that fire burning inside him in. Hoping, believing that one day his red hair will fade out, that his eyes will match. The everything will be different and that scar, that fucking scar will disappear.
Then, there’s the other kind of person.
The kind of person you’re convinced doesn’t have problems to match your own, that you have it so much worse that they couldn’t possibly understand. But you never cared to ask, either.
The person who always says right what’s on their mind, mutters and mumbles the thoughts they’re trying to sort out. Fidgety and nervous, you can tell how they feel because that person wears their heart on their sleeve like it is a badge of honor.
That’s Midoriya Izuku.
Someone with a smile so bright, someone who is so forthcoming and honest that it is impossible to perceive that they are anything besides that. That they never drown; they are a swimmer.
It’s a lie, unfortunately.
Those thoughts that he muttered he always did because there were too many in his head, they needed to go somewhere besides staying in. The ones he said when he thought no one was listening was only because that they were the ones at the forefront and they needed somewhere to go.
It’s impossible to say though that someone as nervous as he was is inexplicably happy. Why would he be so nervous if he had no fears? If he had no reason to not be anything but happy, then why would he be nervous?
Turns out that heart he wears on his sleeve is only half of the story.
When Midoriya and Todoroki met, it was just an unfriendly acquaintance. There was no reason for them to be anything besides classmates, and Todoroki wanted Midoriya to know that. He wanted to force it down his throat that no matter how hard Midoriya wanted to, he could never force Todoroki to come forward enough to feel comfortable, to smile. To smile bright, just like Midoriya does.
They were two halves of the same whole though, just neither of them realized it initially.
It gave Midoriya purpose to pursue Todoroki’s friendship, when he finally got a little bit out of Todoroki, it was helping Midoriya more than it was helping him. Midoriya needed to feel useful, felt happy to be needed, to be helpful; what was this about otherwise?
After Todoroki’s ‘explosion’ it turned to coaxing, pushing him forward into sitting on the floor with Midoriya in the late hours of the night, with only a slight glow from dim lights to fill the room. Todoroki would stare at Midoriya, observe his features and count the freckles on his face, find solace just in the quiet. Midoriya always kept his eyes closed, so he wouldn’t get nervous when he noticed Todoroki was staring.
It was one of those nights, Todoroki couldn’t fall asleep. Sometimes Midoriya would still be awake when Todoroki realized the one thing he relished he couldn’t obtain, but it was already two in the morning and so Todoroki had doubted that Midoriya would still be awake.
He went into the shared bathrooms, used the sink to fill up a cup with water and glanced at himself in the mirror. Frowned at the red on that side of his head. He thought about what it might be like to dye it, but he clinged so desperately to the white on his right side that he was afraid of tainting it. He also thought about shaving it off, but then it would.. that would look bad.
A gentle and warm hand trailed up to the scar on his face, just the tips of his middle and index finger grazing over the edges and he let out a sigh at the vibrancy of that singular eye.
He hated it.
Midoriya had gotten Todoroki to use his fire side, sure, but just because he was using it didn’t mean all the problems had suddenly vanished; all of his fears and hatred of it had dissipated. He was still trying to come to terms with avoiding being a monster. He was so afraid of following in footsteps so blindly that he felt he was chained to them. So afraid of being someone who hurts others. Maybe that was why he wanted to be distant, to be icy. Because it wasn’t the ice side of him in its coldness that was bad but rather it was the burning pain of the fire that made him hesitant to be close.
Midoriya was always a little different though, isn’t that how everyone feels about Midoriya?
Todoroki glanced down at his warmed hand, if he had never met Midoriya, would he still be repressing this half of his quirk? The quirk that Midoriya had managed to convince him belonged to him? He broke himself down — literally and metaphorically — to build Todoroki back up.
Todoroki didn’t really feel like he deserved that.
Because Midoriya was always right there, right there waiting for Todoroki with open arms. To tell him what a good job he was doing, to say that he was happy to see him, or that he was glad they had met. If anyone could make Todoroki smile or even laugh it was Midoriya. Midoriya was warm and inviting, and it was the push Todoroki needed to feel like Shouto , not just a Todoroki.
So at two am, he found himself trudging into the common room and was surprised to see a half-awake Midoriya propped up on the arm of the sofa, his eyes absent mindedly gazing over the screen. “Midoriya?” Todoroki’s voice came quiet from the side of the room and Midoriya perked up at hearing his voice, turning his head he gave a sleepy smile to him.
“Hi Todoroki,”
“What are you doing up?” Todoroki asked and sat down on the opposite end of the sofa, placing the cup of water down on the table nearby him.
“I could ask you the same question,” Midoriya hummed, a knowing smile crossing his features.
“You could, but I asked first,”
“I couldn’t sleep,” Midoriya answered. “I feel.. nervous? Is that an appropriate word to use?”
“You feel nervous all the time,” Todoroki shrugged. He didn’t mean for it to be as abrasive as it was, but it was a true fact. Midoriya was normally nervous.
“You’re right,” Midoriya nodded. “It’s about something different though.”
“What is it?” Todoroki asked, he felt like for as much as a confident as Midoriya was to him, he wanted to reciprocate the same affections. Even if he couldn’t really do it, he wanted to try at least. Todoroki knew he would have to push a little bit, but not a ton to get Midoriya to open up. Let those walls down and let Todoroki in.
“Do you ever feel like..” Midoriya’s voice got quiet. “That you disappoint the people who believe in you?”
“Sure.”
“But what’s worse than that, is when you disappoint yourself?” Midoriya’s eyes wandered to Todoroki who was a little surprised by the question. “The people who believe in you, will usually keep believing in you, even when you don’t deserve it. But sometimes you disappoint yourself, and you can’t believe in yourself anymore because you know for certain you don’t deserve it.”
Todoroki wasn’t an idiot, he figured that Midoriya wasn’t asking because he wanted to know how Todoroki felt. It was so Midoriya could express his feelings outwardly without being completely obvious. “How did you disappoint yourself?”
“I asked you,” Midoriya said and Todoroki’s brows furrowed. “I feel like you have a hard time believing in you.”
“What makes you say that?” Todoroki scoffed. This wasn’t interrogate Todoroki time. This was about Midoriya and he didn’t want that to be forgotten.
You are the hardest thing you must face, and Midoriya knew that.
“I thought about it today when we were practicing,” Midoriya said. “You use your fire side, but in two ways. Either tentatively, like you’re afraid of it. Or extremely, but then you’re ashamed of it. You don’t know how to control it, so you’re cautious of it and when you overdo it, you get concerned.”
“I was concerned because I didn’t want to burn you!” Todoroki huffed. “Not like I want to singe you!”
“That’s fine,” Midoriya answered in a much calmer tone. “Your face says otherwise though. You always gain pause, it’s always when I should strike but I don’t because I know you’re thinking about what you’re doing. Trying to process it, and you can’t.”
“Stop trying to read into me, the hell does it matter to you?”
“I’m just trying to help,” Midoriya frowned. “It happens to me too, so it’s not like you’re alone. Sometimes I do things and I think I let myself down. That I’m not failing anyone else as much as I fail myself.”
Todoroki’s expression softened. He stared at Midoriya for a moment, unsure of what to say. “People expect a lot of me,” Midoriya continued on. “And that’s fine, but none of it amounts to the expectations I have for myself. I know you’re the same way. It’s hard to fight your own self though, because it all happens in a place where no one can see it. And no one can help you besides yourself.”
Todoroki glanced down at his hands, one cold, one hot. “Fine,”
“Hm?”
“You’re right, so? What of it?”
“Don’t be so hostile, Todoroki,” Midoriya said as he moved closer to the taller so that one of his knees bumped against Todoroki’s thigh. “It doesn’t suit you.”
“Why do you feel like you fail yourself?” Midoriya asked in the moment of silence. “Usually it’s when you use the other half of your quirk, you’re getting better with it, but the only thing that holds you back is.. Well you.”
“Stop analyzing me,” Todoroki sighed. “It’s not that I fail myself, I just worry myself. I’m afraid of somewhere messing up along the lines and hurting people with it. I don’t want to hurt anyone!”
Midoriya watched as words spilled from Todoroki’s mouth in curiosity. “You’re not hurting anyone. I already explained to you that what I did to my hand isn’t your fault, so don’t be like that.”
“That can always change though.” Todoroki whispered. “I don’t want anyone to be hurt because of me.”
“Then don’t let that happen.” Midoriya responded. “Todoroki?”
“Hm?”
“You know that I believe in you, and that lots of people believe in you.” Midoriya said. “But you don’t believe in you, and it’s sad. You’re sad.”
Todoroki wanted to seem surprised by the accusation, but he couldn’t even fake it. “And?”
“I want you to be happy.”
“I want you to be happy as well,”
“I’m plenty happy when you are.”
“Why do you always do that?”
“Hm?”
“Put other people before you,” Todoroki shook his head. “My happiness will not be able to make you happy.”
“Of course it will!” Midoriya smiled wide. “I always like it when you’re happy. I like when I’m the one making you that way.”
Todoroki smiled too, it was gentle and he took in a deep breath and relaxed into the couch. “Sorry for making you unhappy then.”
“Who said you —”
“If I make you happy with my own happiness, wouldn’t the exact opposite provide I can also make you unhappy?” Todoroki asked and Midoriya hummed in thought.
“Don’t feel like that,” Midoriya said. “You know, Todoroki, I had a thought.”
“Which is?”
“You see me in a much better light than you should,” Midoriya laughed. “Always that I’m so happy, so positive and practically bursting at the seams with optimism!”
“You can tell you’re not,” Todoroki said and Midoriya seemed a little surprised by it. “You’re always too nervous. If you think I don’t notice all of your little quirks, then think again.”
“‘Little quirks,’” Midoriya repeated with a smile on his features. He turned so he could lay his head down onto Todoroki’s shoulder. “I want things to be easier for you.”
“You care too much about others,”
“Others?”
“Yeah, don’t you feel the same way about everyone?”
“Eh,” Midoriya shrugged. “It’s different with you.”
Todoroki felt something in him jump, nerves that he couldn’t understand. “Why is it different with me?”
“Because you’re different,” Midoriya laughed lightly. “I don’t see people the same way that I see you. I think you’re.. different.”
“You said that twice,” Todoroki pointed out. “Why am I different, answer the question.”
Midoriya sat up, leaned away from Todoroki, his hands forming tight in his lap. “Because I care for you, Todoroki, more than I care for others. More than I want to admit.”
Todoroki blinked slowly, confused by it all. “Why is that an issue? You sound like it’s a bad thing.”
“Well..” Midoriya trailed off. “It’s weird being the kind of person who always puts others before you, then figuring out that one of the people you did that with.. you..”
Todoroki noticed Midoriya’s fidgeting, he was getting nervous. “Midoriya?” His voice came relaxed, gentle. “What is it?”
“I disappointed myself by believing in something that was impossible,” Midoriya said, his eyes beginning to well up. “I got into hero training, I’ll be a hero one way or another. So I figured that if I tried hard enough anything could happen but then I met you and I learned that even no matter how hard I want something, not everything is meant to come true.”
“How hard you want something..” Todoroki muttered. “What do you want? I’ll do whatever I can to help you.”
“You-You can’t help with this one, Todoroki.”
“How do you know if you won’t let me try?”
Midoriya glanced at Todoroki, his eyes already brimming up with tears, threatening to spill at any second. “Please don’t be angry about it, okay?” He sniffled and Todoroki nodded his head, Midoriya kept his eyes locked with Todoroki as he spoke, which surprised both of them. “I-I really like you.”
“I like you too?”
“No,” Midoriya shook his head. “In more than a friend-way. Like, I want to date you. Which is fine, because I’ll get it over it, and I figure you don’t want to date me and that’s alright! I set myself up in a weird situation and I’m so grateful to be your friend that it doesn’t matter! I’m plenty happy enough with being your friend that.. that it doesn’t..” The tears strolling down Midoriya’s face made Todoroki’s eyes widen up. “I’m alright with only getting to love you as a friend.”
“Midoriya —”
“Don’t tell me you’re sorry, please,” Midoriya sniffled, trying to shake away the tears. “It’s okay, it’s okay!” His laughter was choked with sobs and Todoroki felt like he was paralyzed. He couldn’t believe that Midoriya was sitting in front of him crying for no reason and trying to pass it off joyfully. There was absolutely no reason for him to be crying.
“Midoriya ple —”
“It’s okay, it’s okay!” Midoriya repeated as he raised his hands up, his eyes squeezed shut like it would help to stop the tears. “It’s fine, Todo —” He stopped when Todoroki latched onto his hands with his own, Midoriya let his eyes open up to see Todoroki’s expression, laced with only the dim light from the television. “To-Todoroki..?”
“If you’d let me speak, you wouldn’t need to be crying,” Todoroki sighed and Midoriya’s eyes widened. Todoroki slid Midoriya’s hands up around the back of his neck and let his own hands slide down to Midoriya’s sides as he pulled him close. “There are better options you know,”
“H-Huh?”
“There are a lot better men in this world than me.”
Midoriya shook his head. “I-I don’t want them.”
“Good,” Todoroki mumbled before pushing his lips against Midoriya’s. It took Midoriya a moment to realize what was happening before his head tilted and completely relaxed into Todoroki. Unaware of the fact that Todoroki’s legs had wrapped around him the same way his hands had, and was holding him flush against his own body.
Todoroki pulled back first, moving one hand to brush some of the curls that were gently tangling with Midoriya’s wet eyelashes. “Midoriya,”
“Ye-Yeah?”
“Thank you,”
“For what..?” Midoriya mumbled.
“Well, think of it like this,” Todoroki smiled. “If I never met you, I still wouldn’t be able to do things that I can do now. I would still be walking around like half a person.”
Midoriya shook his head. “No, you did that, not me. I don’t want credit for the things you are able to do, Todoroki. You don’t need me to believe in you to do things like this, you need to believe in you. Look at what you can do when you do!”
Todoroki smiled, pressed his forehead against Midoriya who seemed to giggle in response. “You too,” he said quietly. “We both can be better for ourselves and better for each other. Get out of your head so much.”
“Mm,” Midoriya hummed. “If that’s the idea, then you should start sleeping more.”
Todoroki chuckled. “I love sleeping. I just have a hard time falling asleep.”
“Come sleep with me then,” Midoriya said as he pulled his head back to see Todoroki’s eyes. “I’ll stay up and make sure you fall asleep first.” Todoroki doubted that (he had seen how fast Midoriya fell asleep) but he agreed either way. He lifted Midoriya up off the couch with himself and it surprised Midoriya but he allowed for it to happen as they walked to the floor where Midoriya’s room was.
The door was unlocked, and they slid inside easily, Todoroki setting Midoriya on the bed and climbing in soon after. There was a gentle glow of moonlight through the window and Todoroki thought it was nice to be able to see hints of Midoriya’s features.
Midoriya’s hand reached up, stroked Todoroki’s icy cheek, he poked at it. “Ah, I was right, you do have squishy cheeks.” Todoroki laughed in response, low and warm, it made Midoriya’s smile even bigger. “You’re really pretty, Todoroki.”
“Pretty?”
“Yeah, I think you’re pretty.” Midoriya said. “I like your eyes. And your hair is really soft and now I know your cheeks are really squishy and I like those too.”
“Are your cheeks squishy,” Todoroki mumbled as he reached out and pushed on the freckled part of his face. “Oh they are, would you look at that. Sometimes I count your freckles but when you move I have to start all over.”
“How many are there?”
“One and a half.”
Midoriya laughed at this, he always liked Todoroki’s sense of humor. He thought he was, “Funny, you’re very funny,” Todoroki yawned mid-thanks.
“Can I have your hand?” Midoriya asked and Todoroki offered his right one and Midoriya shook his head. “The left one.”
Todoroki complied, lifting it out from underneath his head and pushing it out for Midoriya to grab onto. “It’s warm,”
“Mhm,”
“I like it,” Midoriya smiled. “Can I see the right one too?”
“Sure.”
“And this one is cold, interesting.” Midoriya said and placed one of his hands on each of his cheeks. “So this is how you feel. Warm on one side, cold on the other.”
“I can regulate my body temperature, so I don’t really notice being cold on one side or another.”
“I see,” Midoriya said quietly, his hands slid off of Todoroki’s and Todoroki left one on the left side of of Midoriya’s freckled face and let the other one slide down to the smaller waist.
Todoroki could feel his eyelids getting heavy, the feeling of Midoriya’s fingers gently running over his cheek and brushing his hair away made him feel more and more exhausted by the second. “I’m tired,” he voiced.
“That’s fine,” Midoriya smiled. “Go to sleep.”
“You too,” Todoroki mumbled, his eyes falling shut as he could no longer keep them open. “Thank you.. Izuku,”
Midoriya’s eyes widened up, but he shifted and smiled softly at the nearly asleep Todoroki. “Of course, Shouto.” He kissed his forehead before relaxing into his chest and letting their limbs entangle one another.