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It was always the same dream. Repeatedly. The first few times she really thought it always real, but after a while she came to see it was just her mind playing tricks on her. It was cruel, so cruel. She had no idea how long she would be stuck in that nightmare. It began as usual, during their last fight.
Daenerys was fighting on top of Drogon against Viserion and the Night King, her dead child was faster than her living ones, but they were stronger and bigger. ‘Dracarys’ she shouted with all her strength, it used to be such a powerful word to say but saying it in front of her enemies was one thing…. looking at her son while doing it, was another. That didn’t stop her though, it couldn’t, since the moment she found out about the condition he was in, Dany knew it was inevitable, but the pain was worse than she thought it would be. The mix of red and orange flames with the blue ones was quite a sight, she heard the screams and next thing she knew, she was falling and falling and falling…. Until everything went black.
And then the nightmare. She was alone in the field cover with snow and her belly was big… big with child. It always felt so real, she could even feel her child-their child moving inside of her. In her first few days in Winterfell she got sick, her body changed a bit, her mood was all over the place. This is all from the stress of war, she used to tell herself. Daenerys wouldn’t dare to hope, but her plan didn’t work, Missandei noticed. For days they talked about it, Dany tried to convince her friend and herself it was an impossible dream…. However, after so many morning sickness, body changes, mood changes and no moon blood she couldn’t deny it any longer. Daenerys was pregnant and for a moment, she could only feel joy.
That happiness never lasted. The war, Jon’s parents revelation, all those meeting and problems with the northern lords…. She really wanted to tell Jon, she really did, he would be thrilled, just imagining the smile on his face gave her all the strength she needed. But she knows Jon, he would never let her fight if he knew…. He would do some crazy heroic thing and get himself killed. So, she kept it to herself, it hurt to keep it from him, but that was the only way. If they succeed, then she would tell him, and they could be happy about it together without the weight of the world in their shoulders. However, realizing now that she would never see her child be more than an idea, it was inexplicable pain seeing what she almost had.
Every time Dany was there she fought the urge not to get attached, that would never happen in her reality so why delude herself with such feelings? After the first five times, she gave in. That after all was the only happy part of that whole thing. On her thoughts, Jon was always with her. He would hold her hand, whisper sweet nothings to her, kiss her and their child…. He would be the best father in the world, she was certain of that. She wanted so bad, she wanted that child growing inside of her. So, it was during those brief moments of happiness, that she thought about it. The family that could have been.
But it would always turn into shit. Suddenly the Night King was there, coming in her direction holding Jon’s sword covered in blood. At first, she ran. The first ten or fifteen times too. It was useless, the end was the same, no matter what she tried to do differently. He would come to her, strangle her neck and stick longclaw deep into her belly. Dying was not pleasant and after a while she didn’t care about it anymore, but the feeling of losing her child still on her belly, even if she tried to convince herself it was just a nightmare, it was the most horrible pain Daenerys ever felt. And for so long, she relieved this horrible feeling. Just let me go, already. Kill me. Burn my body. Do something. Just let me out of my misery. She begged, even if she had no clue of what was going on in real life.
It all changed one day. While standing alone waiting for the inevitable, she started hearing some words in the distance. When we took those vows, I made a promise… She couldn’t figure out who that voice belonged to, there was so much pain in it. I am yours, you are mine, from this day until the end of our days. Jon. It was Jon. She screamed his name, as loud as she could, for as long as she could, until the nightmare went on and it was just gone. He was gone and she was still there. Alone. After she heard Jon’s voice for the first time Daenerys went back to the same cycle, one, two, five, ten times. She even considered his voice being something she made it up, after all, how long has she been there? Days? Months? Years? It was impossible to know.
It came back. It was perfectly clear this time, all the words. I’m not as strong as you, Dany. I don’t know how much more I can hold on, love. You need to give me something, please. I want to, Jon, I really do. Daenerys would scream looking at every corner of that stupid grey sky she was obligated to see every day.
I’m not mad at you, I know why you kept it from me, I understand, just…. Please wake up so we can be happy about this together, what do you think? How he can be so perfect, even if this is just a dream, Dany thought, but it couldn’t be, Jon’s voice was real, it had to be. I want to wake up, Jon. I want this more than anything, where are you? Her screams were, again, useless.
You know, we could go to Essos, get warm, find a quiet place for us to call home…. I know you spent your whole life fighting for that throne because you thought you were alone in the world but you’re not Dany, you’ve never been alone, just like me. And now…. now that we found each other, now that…. Now that we are going to have a baby you don’t need that anymore…. We just need each other, that’s it so… Please come back to me, please Dany…. She started to cry. His words were everything she always wished to hear and yet, she couldn’t reply. Fuck. What do I have to do to get out of here? Dany had no idea who she was talking to. Herself? What else could she do? That’s when she remembered something.
Daenerys closed her eyes and imagined Jon. Jon. Her husband, love of her life. Jon. He was standing next to her with that bright smile he only shows when they are alone, she always felt so special, being the only one to witness it. But if you still want that throne it’s fine with me, I will go anywhere with you as long as you’re happy. Anything. We have so many possibilities now, it doesn’t matter. I just need you to wake up, love. Can you do that for me? Just open your eyes, Dany, please. I don’t want the throne, I just want you, Jon. Us. That’s it. She was whispering now. I’m trying, I’m trying so much… In that moment, she felt it. His hand. She held it tight and in a split second, her eyes opened, and she saw him.
~~~~
Jon couldn’t believe it. There she was. Her beautiful violet eyes staring at him. For a moment they both stood still, looking at each other, a way to make sure it wasn’t just a bad dream. But he could feel the warm in her hands still holding on to him, her heart moving faster, her heavy breathing and her eyes. Her eyes said all the things both couldn’t manage to say just yet. Jon gave in, hugged her, and she hugged him back. God’s how much I missed this. How much I missed her. He could be in this position forever, hugging her, feeling her warmth, breathing her in, words were never his thing anyway.
“Jon?” Dany called to him. Her voice sounded so broken.
“Hey there, love.” They carefully let go of each other. Daenerys tried to move a bit, but Jon knew she was still recovering. “Be careful, the Maester said you needed to rest so your body can heal, you took quite a fall, Dany.” He was serious now.
“How long have I been here? How long since… The Night King, Jon, did you…”
“Don’t worry. He’s gone. We’ve won. Everything is alright. And it’s been a while… I’ve been so worried, Dany… I just….” The emotions were just too much, his eyes filled with tears.
“Hey now, I’m awake, I told you we would do this, didn’t I? Together, remember?”
“How come you are the one comforting me?” They laughed. Dany has this effect on him, she always ends up being the one to make him feel better for his worries about her.
“Well, someone has to…” She took a brief pause and her smile fated away. “Jon… I need to tell you something…”
“I know, Dany and I understand. I know why you didn’t tell me…”
“You know? So, you know we…”
“Yes, I know we are having a baby.”
Next thing they knew, both were kissing, hugging, crying…. Everything Jon imagined the revelation of something so important in their lives to be. Daenerys told him everything that lead her to find out she was carrying their child. How he missed all the signs, it was so obvious… Maybe it was for the best, though. They laughed out loud when Dany said she was worried that he would go out alone to kill the Night King himself if he knew, but she was right to worry, it was kind of true.
“You know, it was you that woke me up in some weird way. You see, while I was unconscious I had this constant nightmare….” Jon wasn’t going to ask what it was about; the tone in her voice was enough for him to know that she wishes to never go back there.
“One time, I heard your voice, at first I thought was just my mind playing more tricks on me. But then, after a few times, it was back…. It was so perfect, Jon. You were talking to me, things that I…. I never heard you say before… I don’t know if it was just my imagination or…”
“It wasn’t.” Jon did not know how, but he knew it was real, he wanted to give her that. “I had this thing, I was always talking to you Dany, I couldn’t leave your side and in the last few days I was so broke. Part of me knew I needed to tell you those things… To keep going.”
“It was you, then, it has always been you.”
“Aye.”
~~~~
The rest of the day went by quickly than she thought it would, in matter of minutes, after Jon leaving to summon Maester Wolkan, her room was full of people. Not that she minded, it was a relive to see all those familiar faces after what she endured during her long sleep. Daenerys heard about everything that happened during the battle and the aftermath, much for Jon’s annoyance, who insisted she should heal first before hearing it. Dany argued that her body was hurt not her mind, that was the end of it.
They won, but the cost was enormous. Dany listened quietly when Davos listed the ones who had perish, it was a long list. She held Jon’s hand tighter when Davos said Tormund’s name, the wildling and her husband longtime friend died with honor, just like Ser Jorah just a few weeks earlier. Drogon and Rhaegal were gone as well, part of her knew it the moment she woke up, she would miss them for the rest of her life, her brave children, they would be forever loved. As much as Daenerys mourned for the dead, she knew she needed to be thankful for the living. Most of her advisors and friends were alive, Missandei, Tyron, Grey Warm…. Also, Davos, Arya, Sansa, Sam, Gilly… All which she grown to like very much, even though it was a bit hard in the beginning. The war unites people, and Dany could only hope for all of that to never end.
The damage the war caused in the North was also something she would need to worry about in the near future. Most of the castles were burned or destroyed, cities and villages even more…. Winterfell was the only castle apt to live in, even though it wasn’t as full as it was just before the battle, so many people were still using it as refuge…. That would be a problem soon enough. The would have to rebuild the entire North, but before that, Daenerys must fight the War against Cersei. Truth to be told, she had no idea where to start, Dany wasn’t expecting to survive the last war. But she did. I’m the blood of the Dragon, she reminded herself when fear caught up to her, I’m Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen and I will win this war with fire and blood.
In the end of the day, after much insistence from her part and everyone else, Jon finally let himself leave her side to take care of his needs. Dany knew he would eventually came back to sleep next to her; Missandei kept her company. They talked for what felt like hours, it was good to see her dear friend smile again, both have gone through so much in life, so much pain and horror…. Daenerys knew how happy her friend was, she asked if she wished to go back to Naath, she said no. Naath is not my home, home is everywhere as long I have the people I love with me, Missandei answered her with honesty. That was something they both agreed on.
Late that night, with Jon already peacefully sleeping next to her, holding her with the most care his northern way allowed him to, Daenerys reflected on everything that happened and would happen in the future. From that little girl that lived in the house with the red door to the woman who birthed dragons and won wars against all the odds. From the sister who was sold by her brother to the Queen all men bow to. From the last living member of her family to a soon-to-be mother of a human child. From the woman who thought she would never know love to having the most loving person by her side to cherish.
She was brooding too much now. Jon Snow effect, Tyrion said to her once, it truly was, but not in a bad way. Never in a bad way. She then closed her eyes and waited for sleep to catch up to her. For the first time in so long she wasn’t afraid of what sleep might bring her, this time Dany knew she was going to wake up and they would be there. Safe.
~~~~
“I’m fine, Jon. I can do this on my own.” She signed in frustration, Daenerys was ready to walk for a long time, she was done staying in bed all day. That same day the master told them she was already three moons into her pregnancy, Jon was on and on about how he could totally see the difference, but Dany wasn’t so sure.
“No, you can’t. No yet, at least. Maester Wolkan said you still needed a few days.” He was holding her from behind, while she tried to give her first steps, for the first time in weeks.
“Well yes, but Sam said I improved faster than they expected, and I could try to walk.”
“Try. There’s a difference. And Sam doesn’t always know everything….”
“Not always knows everything? Jon you were the one who kept saying to trust him and not the Maester…”
“I know what I said, Dany, but this time is different.”
“How is this time different?” Jon didn’t answer. That was another argument they both wouldn’t get in agreement. He was infuriating when he wanted to be. Even if she knew he was just worried about her.
“Fine. Just, don’t hold my too tight. I need to try at least, you holding on to me like I’m going to break into pieces won’t work.”
Jon took some time before answering. “I can do that.”
And they tried. Three times a day every day. At first Jon was reluctant to let her go, but with time they both came into synchrony. After a week, Daenerys was already walking by her own, full recovered from her fall.
“I told you I could do it.” She proudly said to him that night while they were cuddling in bed.
He laughed. “Yes, but not on that first day, Dany, it took a while.”
“Still, if it was up to you I would never have left this stupid bed.”
“Do you want to leave this stupid bed, now?” Jon narrowed his eyes to her with that look on his face, the one that can make her entire body shiver.
“No…” That night ended up being a very long one.
~~~~
“This is exactly the reason I kept this from you before the war against the dead.” Daenerys had been talking nonsense like this since she left their meeting where they openly fought in front of their friends and family. They were now in their chambers.
“This? This? How can you say it like this, Daenerys?” Jon said his first words in minutes pointing at her belly, who was already showing for everyone who dared to look closely. He couldn’t understand how she could be so indifferent. “This is our child!”
“I know that. Don’t you think I know that, Jon? You think I’m not going through this in my head? For the second time?” She snapped at him.
He completely forgot she had been in this situation before. They have been discussing this for days, the war against Cersei was now the most urgent matter and no one could come up with a good plan.
“Gods, Dany.” He walked back and for in their chambers trying to think of a solution for everything in that very moment. “I’m sorry, I know…. I wish this could all be different, that’s all.” They both seemed calmer now. Jon reached out to her seating on their bed.
“You know, in another life, we would be fighting about not having enough money and food to make a living. I could be a fisherman somewhere….” Jon stopped talking when he noticed the doubtful look on her face. “What?”
“You? Being a fisherman? I think even a smith would have been better.”
“And what makes you say that? It’s not like I have experience on it.”
“Just like you never fished anything in your life.”
“I guess not. I don’t think I ever did anything besides fighting and ruling.” Jon never had time to think about it, but now talking to Dany, he realized he didn’t know if he was good in anything else.
“If makes you feel better neither did I. I mean… I’ve been doing this whole thing since I can remember and before that I just took orders from Viserys.” Daenerys never talked so much about her childhood, but every time she did, he wished he had the opportunity to punch that brother of hers in the face.
“I do ride Dragons very well.” She continued. “It’s not like I can compare my abilities to anyone else, and specially now…” She took a brief pause, he knew she still had pain in her heart from Drogon’s death, “…. but I think if there was a competition I would be the winner.” He laughed.
“Wait, Dragons? You only rode Drogon, why Dragons…” Oh.
“Yes, love. Dragons….” She kissed him then. They would have to decide what to do about Cersei some other time.
~~~~
They were seating below the Weirwood tree in the Goodswood for quite some time now, Jon was seating behind her with his hands caressing her growing belly. She was five moons in and the changes in her body were very much noticeable. It was the first day without a snowstorm and luckily for them, no battles ahead. Both decided would be nice to spend some time breathing fresh air. Ghost was there too, he seemed to know she was pregnant, Jon’s direwolf wouldn’t leave her side anymore. Sometimes, he would put his head on her lap and stay like that for hours even. Daenerys liked the company, she wished Drogon, Rhaegal and Viserion could be with them as well, she will always miss her children.
“What do you think will be?” Jon asked out of nowhere.
“The baby? Well, I don’t know… Do you have a preference?” A sudden worry rushed into her.
“No, of course not. I was just wondering.”
“Brooding, you mean?” She smiled at him.
“Ha, you got me.” He laughed. “But seriously, do you have some kind of feeling?”
“No, my love. I fear it doesn’t work like that. He or she is not even moving yet.” Dany tried to explain. In the last few days she realized Jon knew almost nothing about pregnancy, but he was very much willing to learn.
“Yeah, about that… When do you think it will be? I can’t wait to feel it.”
“I don’t know either… Maybe soon?” She really didn’t know.
“I hope so.”
“Me too.”
Later that day, Jon was already in bed while she was taking off her dress and Missandei was unbraiding her hair.
“I think will be a girl.” He said to her without taking his eyes off the parchment they received earlier with news from the camp in the Trident.
Daenerys only smiled. She thought that too.
~~~~
The camp was a mess. They would ride into battle the next morning, just hours before, both they received news from Vary’s little birds of the location of the secret camping site of the Golden Company. If they meant to win, a surprise attack was necessary. Luckily, him and Dany were still with their armies, but Jon couldn’t help but wish they were both back in Winterfell. His thoughts betrayed him all the time, he spends the entire day with the soldiers before every battle, but his mind could thinl of two things only: Dany and their baby.
Daenerys was already seven moons in and heavily pregnant. It hurt so much seeing her in the middle of the battle field like this, he couldn’t stop her, he would never stop her, but after almost losing both just months before, it was an inevitable felling, the angst of expiring that again was worse than all the knifes he took in his heart once. Jon could know only pray for all the Gods to keep them safe. Each day that went by his fear could only grow, she insisted to be present, even thought Drogon was no longer with them, his fierce Queen was always there on a silver horse before and after every battle. The what ifs were too many to count. So many things could go wrong. They were so close to meet their child and win the war, but at that very moment, Jon could only fear.
When he was about to enter their tent, Jon heard something breaking inside and when he rushed in he saw Dany seating in the bed looking and holding her belly with a broken pot of ink for the letter she was writing on the floor. He quickly kneeled in front of her thinking of all the things that could have gone wrong.
“Dany? What is it? Are you all right? Did anything happen with the baby? With you? Are you hurt…” She denied him shaking her head, yet, no words were said.
He was still worried. “What is it then, love? Say something, please.” Then, Daenerys only took his hands and placed in the left size of her belly. Jon couldn’t understand at first until he felt it. The first time he thought he was imagining things, but then it happened for a second time, even stronger.
“Is it...?” Jon looked at her with tears in his eyes. As their child kicked for the third time in the exactly place his hand was in, a wave of emotions filled his heart.
“Yes.” Jon heard Dany answering him at last in the middle of all the crying and laughter already going on between the two.
She or he was kicking stronger than ever. The love he already feels for his child was something out of this world, he could have never thought he would ever experience such a love, he knew Daenerys shared the same feeling
For a couple of hours, in the most unlikely place, Jon was not afraid.
~~~~
She was back in her nightmare, for the first time since waking up all those months ago she was facing it all over again. It had been so long since, but she dreaded it all the same. Once again on the field cover by snow she saw the Night King approaching her, ready to take the life out of her. Daenerys closed her always and whispered to herself, this is just a dream, wake up. As the sword went through her belly she screamed in pain with tears falling down her face…. And then she was back. Dany woke up screaming, sweating and alone in her bed in Winterfell. The candles had already faded away, everything was dark except from the moonlight coming from the half-opened window. Everything was fine until she felt that pain in her belly, just like in her nightmare.
But it was just a dream, why I’m in pain, she questioned herself a little worried as she looked back at her belly. She felt it again, this time the pain was unmistakable, she knew what it was. Their child was coming, and Jon was nowhere close. Just a fortnight before, they received worrying news from the South, part of their army was defeated in a risk battle against the Lannisters, just outside Kings Landing, that was the first time Jon was not leading them. They couldn’t afford to lose again and with new information from Varys that Cersei was planning to attack the North targeting White Harbor, Daenerys was able to convince Jon to lead again. It was hard, since she reached eight moons into her pregnancy her husband refused to leave her side, Dany wanted and appreciated that more than ever, but she knew what the right thing was to do. But as another pain reached her, she wished she was as selfish and reckless as all their enemies claim her to be.
She screamed for the guards and urged them to get Maester Wolkan, Sam and her advisors. Daenerys was scared, she wouldn’t deny that, having people she cares for at her side was the most comforting thing she could ask for at that very moment. The time went by and the pains were starting to get more frequent and intense, she could feel it was getting closer. Missandei was always at her side, trying to easy her worries as best as she could, her friend had the most gently heart but the only person that could really make her feel better was thousands of miles away. Dany thought of Jon constantly, just imagining him with her could easy her heart a little bit. But that brought her dark thoughts as well, no one had heard from him in days, they had no idea how the battle went or didn’t went. If they were coming back or not. If Jon was alive or… No, she wouldn’t go there. She had to be strong, for her and for the life they both made.
It was time, they said to her. It was time, but she wasn’t ready, that was all wrong, she shouldn’t be this scared and Jon should be with her. Her cries were a mix of different kinds of pain. Both their mothers had died in childbirth, what if it was in their blood? What if it was all too perfect to be truth? What if Mirri Maz Duur was right and her child was going to be just like her Rhaego? Missandei’s voice took her out of that dark place inside her head. It didn’t matter now. She looked down following Gilly’s voice asking her to push, she did, one, two, three times… Pain, blood, sweat, cries. Their voices were getting farther and farther away and the last thing she heard before everything went blank was a child’s cry.
~~~~
They were able to find the Lannister army right after their arrival, winning the battle with few causalities. Jon was so eager to get back to Winterfell he even forgot to send a raven beforehand, him, Greyworm and just few other soldiers were ahead riding as fast as they could manage. He didn’t want to go in the first place, leaving Daenerys side knowing she was duo to give birth any day was one of the hardest things he ever had to do. Jon had to do it though, he knew, he was just tired. Tired of having to put the realm first. Tired of worrying. Part of him just wished to be far away from all the mess with his family. As much as he promised Dany they could go anywhere, that wasn’t true. Cersei would go after them, they would live the same life Daenerys lived for so many years, and that wasn’t what they wanted for their child. And for that only, he fought, the perspective of ensuring a better life for her and him
The moment he reached the gates of Winterfell he knew something was different. The courtyard had only a few workers, Jon wasn’t expecting any big welcoming, but he wasn’t expecting that either. As he dismounted his horse, Davos appeared, alone, just a few steps from him. The same look he had given Jon when he went back with Dany’s unconscious body was on his face. Daenerys. Jon should have known this would happen, damn it him for going, it was like dying all over again. It had to be something bad, right? He was a fool to believe he could have the happy ending from the stories of knights and princesses Old Nan used to tell Sansa when they were younger. Melissandre was right in one thing, the night is dark and full of terrors.
He ran to their chambers ignoring all the people calling his name. He wouldn’t hear from anyone, he had to see it to believe. Good or bad. Jon opened the door with trembling hands, his whole body was shaking. The sight before him, however, was everything he never dared to dream of. In the middle of the bed there was Daenerys, peaceful asleep, shrunk with furs and between her arms a little baby tied up with blankets. He was so mesmerized he didn’t notice Missandei coming beside him.
“It happened last night,” she said placing a hand on his shoulder. “Go on… I will make sure no one bothers the three of you.”
Jon gave her a reassuring smile and slowly walked towards the bed. As he sat down beside them, he couldn’t help but cry. His heart was overflowing with emotions he didn’t even knew existed. His eyes fixed on the little baby with a head full of silver hair, just like Daenerys.
“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” Dany’s voice filled the room with softness. He met her eyes as he reached to caress her face.
“She?” The meaning of her words finally catching up to him.
“Turns out you were right, just like you’ve always been.” Just then their conversation was interrupted by a fussy baby waking up from a nap.
As Daenerys reached for their daughter, Jon could only observe with hypnotized eyes.
“You should do it,” she said. “Here, I’m sure she’s excited to meet you as much as you are.”
Jon hesitated for a moment. He was dying to hold his daughter from the moment he saw her, but the fear of ruining the moment was suddenly in his mind.
“Don’t overthink, Jon… You’re already the best father she could ever ask for.” Daenerys really knows him too well. The fact that this brilliant and extraordinary woman was part of his life was something he would always be thankful for. He loved her thousands, and now, they were a family.
Jon held his daughter close without taking his eyes off her, the baby stirred a little until she calmed down and finally looked up to him. Her eyes were just like his. Big dark grey eyes staring back at his.
“What do you think of Rhaella?” He asked Dany without moving, they talked about names before. Rhaella was always on the back of his mind, he knew Daenerys loved the idea of honoring a strong woman, that, in one way or another, was a part of their lives.
“I loved it.” It was settled.
“Rhaella Targaryen.”
And as his daughter held his thumb with her small and soft hand, Jon Snow smiled and remembered some powerful words another important Targaryen in his life said to him all those years ago.
“What is honor compared to a woman’s love? What is duty against the feel of a newborn son in your arms…”
He was right. There isn’t anything like it.