Work Text:
Taehyung loved penguins. Like really, really loved them. It was weird, he knew that, but he was trying really hard to direct his penguin energy in a way that felt productive to society. He knew about other kinds of aquatic birds and mammals because he had to, but if it was up to him, he'd just hang out with the penguins all day basking in the glory that he'd ascended to exactly the position he'd wanted in life. Before college, he just collected plushies. The internship at the zoo was clearly a step up.
Last week in a check-in with his manager, Taehyung received feedback that his expertise was admirable, but often made him a bit one-track-minded whenever he was tasked with other things to do besides feed Pororo more than her daily allotment of baby squid. This feedback flashed to the front of his mind very suddenly as he was handing the fourth piece of ill-advised squid over to Pororo. She had bumped her head against his foot while he sat perched on the rock in their habitat, and what was he supposed to do? Say no?
The squid was beside the point. He had forgotten he was supposed to refresh the feed in the seal habitat and their feeding was scheduled for 4:30 on the dot which meant he was resoundingly fucked. He was going to get fired and would probably never get to hang out with Pororo or Baek Jim or Tux or any penguins ever again. He’d have to go to the Antarctic and he couldn’t afford that on an unemployed zoologist salary.
He scrambled to his feet, yelling a farewell over his shoulder to a resoundingly unbothered Pororo, who was still biting off bits of squid and warily eyeing one of the bigger penguins encroaching on her afternoon snack.
The seal habitat wasn't that far away, and he made it in less than two minutes, panting and skidding into the trainer's area outside of the show pool. Hoseok, the hot seal trainer, smiled brightly at him in greeting, already in his wetsuit and shoveling large quantities of fish into a bucket. "Taetae! You back to help feed them?"
Taehyung panted loudly. He preferred to move at the pace of the Earth. "Hi. I—"
Taehyung's eyes caught on the feed cache where Hoseok's shovel heaved another load of fish into his bucket. Hoseok looked up at him curiously, and then said, "Oh yeah—thanks again for filling this for me. It's fucking rank. Keep it up, one day you too can have interns to shovel fish heads from one bucket into a bigger bucket so you can later shovel them into a smaller bucket."
Taehyung stared at him blankly for a moment before he smiled, playing along. "No prob."
Hoseok shoveled one wet scoop with a look of disgust. "Did you catch Namjoon on your way in?"
"Namjoon?"
Hoseok looks at him curiously. "Turtle man?"
Ah. Turtle man he knew. Tall, expression constantly pleasant or concentrated, no in-between. Taehyung thought of him like a beautiful friendly noodle and stared at him sometimes in the break room without meaning to. He had strong forearms and two dimples. During intern orientation, Namjoon said that he liked turtles because they carried their homes on their back and Taehyung almost cried.
Taehyung already liked Namjoon a lot, even though they hadn’t spoken yet. And now he liked him even more. A lot more.
"No, I don't think so," Taehyung answered, shaking his head. "Was he here?"
"Yeah, just picking something up for Jin from the back office," Hoseok said absently. He stuck the shovel into the bucket with one final squelch and resealed the big fish trough with a clang. "You ready?"
Taehyung loved all animals, and it was with love that he had to admit to himself that he was more than a little bit scared that the seals would eat him. He smelled like a fish most of the time and it would be understandable if they did.
Hoseok was looking at him with an expectant smile, and held out the bucket for him to take. Taehyung swallowed against his fear and managed what he hoped was a convincing smile. He gave Hoseok one affirmative finger gun followed by another, regretting it immediately upon realizing those finger guns may be the last thing he ever did with his hands.
Namjoon must be really nice, Taehyung thought to himself, hefting the smelly fish bucket as Hoseok burst into the habitat with a high pitched, hello my friends!
Like really, really nice.
*
“Hi.”
Namjoon jumped, yanking the key out of the office lock with a jarring metallic rip. He spun over his shoulder towards Taehyung, and Taehyung grimaced in response. This was not how to say thank you.
“The tortoise habitat is closed,” Namjoon said, holding his keys aloft in what read to Tae as a vague threat. Taehyung took a cautious step back.
“The zoo’s been closed for like, five hours?” Taehyung stood with his hands up in surrender, his face heating from warmth that bloomed out from his chest. “I work here.”
“Oh.” Namjoon lowered his hands and restored his very collegial presence with impressive speed. His face melted into a soft, apologetic smile. “Ah. Sorry. People aren’t usually around when I leave. Taehyung, right?”
“Sorry if you thought you were going to die,” Taehyung apologized, wincing. “Zoo killer would be a cool serial killer name though, huh?”
Namjoon managed his expression well, but Taehyung thought he was probably scaring him again.
“Cool like—someone could make a viral podcast out of it not cool like—my new hobby?”
One of the parrots from the tropical bird habitat gave a particularly loud and abrupt squawk and they both jumped.
“Pretty sure I already listened to that podcast,” Namjoon joked, smiling like the situation was funny and like he wasn’t weirded out at all that Taehyung was a complete freak. Nice. Super nice. “There’s a subreddit about a Zoo Killer opening as we speak.”
Taehyung grimaced, but hoped it looked like a smile. Silence lingered between them for a moment, broken by another distant caw from the exotic bird habitat. Namjoon looked at him patiently, but with enough expectation and Taehyung suddenly remembered why he was here scaring him.
“Um. I just wanted to say thanks,” Taehyung said, shifting his weight between his feet. “I think you accidentally saved me from shoveling fish for Hoseok-hyung.”
It took a moment for Namjoon to place what Taehyung was referring to, the wheels turning visibly before his face brightened with recognition. “Ah, no worries. I didn’t know I was saving anyone.”
Taehyung rubbed the back of his neck. “Still nice of you,” he said. “So thanks a lot. Um. I guess I didn’t really repay you very well by impersonating a serial killer?”
“No need to repay me,” Namjoon interjected quickly, looking a bit panicked about the whole thing. “Seriously, it was no big deal.”
“It was a big deal,” Taehyung insisted. “To me at least. You might have saved my internship. So maybe I can treat you to a meal this week?”
“Ah, no—seriously,” Namjoon said, kindly and uncomfortably. Maybe Taehyung didn’t know anything about being nice. This was a bad idea, but it was too late to back down.
Taehyung felt his face heating, he was being cooked from the inside. Namjoon had a pretty flush fighting its way up his neck too, and it gave Taehyung courage. “Namjoon-ssi, you shoveled fish for me. I can grill meat for you.”
“That’s really kind of you, but—“
“I insist,” Taehyung said, trying for anything but rabid.
Namjoon, clearly too polite to deny him a third time, conceded graciously, “Well, if you insist.”
“I do,” Taehyung said brightly and with the faintest edge of a threat.
Namjoon smiled tightly. This may have been first time that they’d had any sort of meaningful conversation, but Taehyung already knew that the look on Namjoon’s face said he was going to find a way to cover the meal if it killed him.
It wasn’t until much later, when Taehyung was laying in bed and feeling pretty chuffed that he was contributing to the overall karmic balance in the world that all of the other reasons that Namjoon may have had to try and avoid dinner with him began to flip through his mind, each one more horrifying than the previous.
Number one, Taehyung smelled like fish almost all the time. He smelled like fish when he asked Namjoon to dinner. That is a perfectly fine reason why someone wouldn’t want to spend recreational time with him.
Number two, he could have been trying to let him down easy instead of being avoidant as a means of politeness before an inevitable acceptance.
Number three, he thought Taehyung was really a serial killer and he said yes to protect his life.
Taehyung had to text Hoseok-the-hot-seal-caretaker who had to text Jin-the-hot-turtle-keeper, but eventually he got Namjoon’s number. It was a little creepy. It wasn’t the best way to start off the relationship. Namjoon made Taehyung act much stupider than he actually was, probably because he was so obviously, exceptionally intelligent in comparison.
Taehyung’s phone buzzed.
kim namjoon (turtle)
none of the above. don’t worry about scaring me—i’m just jumpy. excited for dinner! see you tmrw, taehyung-ssi. KNJ
It was kind of stupid that he signed off his text message, but Taehyung resolved himself to the fact that he also found it endearing. He saw his crush developing in a faraway kind of way, like slow motion. Taehyung smiled at his phone.
*
Taehyung took Namjoon to dinner. It made more sense, since they both worked, and they could just go straight away from the zoo. It wasn’t meant to be a fancy thing, but Taehyung noticed they had both brought a change of clothes, so they didn’t smell like fish at the restaurant. Taehyung cared whether or not Namjoon thought he smelled like fish, even though it was a simple fact of life for the both of them, and he guessed Namjoon did too. Something about it buzzed warm in Taehyung’s stomach.
Taehyung spent the week a little panicked about choosing a restaurant. He wanted to make sure that barbeque restaurant was halfway between the zoo and where Namjoon had mentioned that he lived, and nice enough that paying would be a real gesture. Taehyung had to adjust his food budget just a little for the week for the place that he had settled on, which he figured meant it was perfect. The vibe of the place was the kind of effortlessly warm and cool that Taehyung never would have been able to identify on his own. Jimin on the other hand, who himself was effortlessly warm and cool, had snapped his fingers and pulled up the restaurant on his phone almost immediately.
Jimin had walked into their apartment after his dance practice on Tuesday, looking very much like someone who would never make a joke about being a serial killer, chomping on an apple with his strong teeth that weren’t sensitive at all because he used the right toothpaste. Taehyung began to wail immediately after Jimin looked over Taehyung’s shoulder to see cool but not too cool mid priced central close to the train bbq nice but not fancy not a date kind of a date? probably not a date typed into the search bar. Taehyung was not necessarily going to live this down before he died, but the restaurant was perfect.
Taehyung had a soft, lavender button up on, and his favorite wide legged pants. He was ready to be nice.
Unfortunately, Namjoon was a delight to be around, and toward the end of the meal, Taehyung felt like Namjoon was the one doing him the favor by agreeing to hang out with him. He was bright and quick to smile, listened intently and drew parallels between the themes in their conversation that gave Taehyung much more depth and credit than he deserved. When he forgot to be self-conscious about it, his smile was radiant, like fluorescent, like is this real. His humor had a bite that snuck up on you, sweet sweet sweet until it wasn’t at all.
(Taehyung had detailed the story of how he broke his ankle last year jumping a five foot fence with Jimin, and at Namjoon’s skepticism, he assured him: “No seriously, hyung, I was completely sober. 100% natural stupidity. Swear on my life.”
Namjoon looked at him, deadpan. “There’s a 5000 won minimum deposit, Taehyung-ssi.”)
Taehyung felt a little winded by the time he excused himself from the table, to pretend like he was going to the bathroom and take a detour to nip the check situation in the bud. His mouth was dry from laughing too much with his mouth open, and his stomach hurt from being full and hunched closer to hear Namjoon across the table. He smiled a little to himself.
“Um,” the young waitress said nervously, looking up from the cashier’s station. “The bill has already been taken care of.”
Namjoon had out-niced him. In fact, Taehyung should have seen this coming. He knew it had been coming, and Namjoon had bested him anyway. Taehyung stared at her blankly, mind carding through any point that Namjoon could have managed to pay the bill. In addition to being the nicest person on the planet, Namjoon must also be a spy.
“Sorry,” she said, trying again. She clicked the pen in her hands nervously as one of her coworkers edged past her into the kitchen.
Taehyung blinked, and closed his mouth, giving her an apologetic smile. “No problem.”
Namjoon looked as pleasant as ever when Taehyung slid back into the booth, tucking his phone back into his pocket and giving Taehyung a bright smile. Taehyung glared at him.
“I have underestimated you,” Taehyung stated, eyes narrowed.
Namjoon’s expression slid into something less innocent as he propped his face up on one hand. “You wouldn’t be the first.”
“I guess we’re doing this,” Taehyung said, sighing. He wished it hadn’t come to this. “Watch your back, Kim Namjoon. For nice things. Like plushies, and snacks, and compliments.”
“Hm,” Namjoon mused. His eyes widened a little, sarcastic. “Are we fighting?”"
“Maybe so,” Taehyung said ominously, slurping up the rest of his soda. “If we are, you started it.”
*
“He got me a bento with a penguin onigiri in it,” Taehyung lamented, his eyes trained dark and miserable on the ceiling from his station on Jungkook’s rug. “It was so cute that I almost cried when I bit its head off.”
Jungkook was only half listening, in the middle of a game of Overwatch. Jungkook didn’t care about penguins. He barely liked dogs, and he practically was one. “That’s nice,” Jungkook commented distractedly. “What’s the problem?”
“He said he got it for me because I needed to show Pororo who’s boss when she begs me for extra squid.” Taehyung kicked his legs out to fully surrender himself to the ground. He wasn’t throwing a fit. “I almost said thanks I hate it when he gave it to me.”
“Maybe he wants to bang,” Jungkook said, face lit up with artificial light. He winced as his character took a hit, and leaned back to glance at Taehyung and make sure he was alive. Taehyung did his best to show that he was, in fact, dead. He didn’t know why he was friends with Jungkook.
“He is pure,” Taehyung wailed. “When we had lunch together on Thursday he said he loves turtles because they move through the world with intention. What the fuck.”
Taehyung only caught the very end of Jungkook’s eyeroll, but he chucked the pillow from under his head at him anyway. Jungkook yelped and flipped him off with one hand without turning around.
“You told me last week that baby penguins taking their first belly slide off of arctic cliffs are the best illustration of untarnished faith that we have,” Jungkook said dryly, clicking rapidly with his right hand.
“What’s your point,” Taehyung pouted, throwing an arm over his eyes. Jungkook’s room was like a cave, so it didn’t do much by way of changing the atmosphere.
“You still wanna hit it even though you write penguin poetry,” Jungkook said, before he shouted a curse, and pushed his body away from the computer, slamming his mouse down with a bang. He pushed his headset off with a sigh.
“Hey, Jungkook-ah,” Taehyung said spitefully, ignoring his comment. “I’m glad you lost.”
This was exactly why he didn’t deserve how nice Namjoon was to him. And he didn’t wanna hit it. He just. Namjoon radiated light when he smiled. It was nice to be the one to make it happen. He might be a little addicted to it.
Taehyung took out his phone and started a Naver search for hard shell turtle backpacks.
*
“Thanks, hyung,” Taehyung said, sniffling. He took the tissue that Namjoon offered him and blew his nose noisily. “Sorry. This was supposed to be fun for you.”
Taehyung sunk down into his seat and rubbed at his eyes with his knuckles. Taehyung had bought tickets for a showing of an episode of Planet Earth at the theater close to the zoo, as a thank you for the penguin onigiri situation and also just because. Taehyung found himself thinking of things that Namjoon might like all the time these days, just because. He didn’t owe him anything, he just—Namjoon smiled so much through the quick dinner that they had beforehand that Taehyung’s face had all but gone numb trying to keep up.
Taehyung had started up within the first 30 seconds, immediately after a close shot of the emperor penguins huddled for warmth in the dead of winter. Namjoon passed over a napkin, and put a reassuring hand on Taehyung’s forearm on the armrest between them. Taehyung let himself be comforted the way Namjoon offered like breathing. “I get it,” Namjoon whispered back. “This is fun. Crying can be fun.”
Taehyung huffed out a surprised, watery laugh. “You’re too nice.”
Namjoon just smiled, and leaned back in his chair, offered Taehyung some of the popcorn that Taehyung had successfully bought for him. Tae took a piece and crunched down on it, peeked at Namjoon in his peripheral vision. He didn’t have a striking profile necessarily, but Taehyung liked it anyway, soft and rounded, well-worn. Namjoon was smiling a little, enough that his dimples were just starting to shadow, and his hand was warm on Taehyung’s arm.
In the end, they both cried. Taehyung should have seen this coming, but he was thankful that it had been established early on that crying could be fun, because it wasn’t awkward at all when he looked over at Namjoon and started laughing at his puffy cheeks and leaking nose.
“Shut up,” Namjoon said, scrubbing his sleeve across his face as they got up, but he was smiling, giving a great sniff that nearly echoed in the emptying theater. “The baby turtles.”
Taehyung was struck all over again, right in the middle of his laugh, and he scrunched up his face to keep the tears from starting up. “Not again.”
Namjoon laughed this time, holding the door open for Taehyung as they pushed out into the popcorn-scented lobby. “How about next time we go for a light rom com or something?”
“Next time?”
Namjoon opened his mouth and then closed it. He added, carefully, “If you want.”
Namjoon shrugged in a way that implausibly delighted Taehyung, the carefully controlled movement betraying any sense of casualty. Taehyung liked that about Namjoon, that he wasn’t casual about things, even dumb things like seeing a rom com next week after work.
“Next time!” Taehyung said brightly, bumping his shoulders with Namjoon’s fake casual ones, grinning so big that it brought him closer to Namjoon, his neck craning up like if he got his smile close enough to Joon, he would understand that it was for him in particular, especially.
*
Taehyung had taken to meeting Namjoon in the tortoise office after Taehyung finished up with the penguins, and they walked in the direction of home together. It was the best part of the day.
The sun was setting by the time they pushed out of the unusually pleasantly scented tortoise office. Namjoon had been finishing up some qualitative data entries about one of the tortoises that had been expressing a decrease in appetite. It was warm, and the summer breeze carried with it a bit of magic along with the smoke of street vendors outside of the zoo.
“We’re going to lunch tomorrow,” Taehyung said with a stern finger to Namjoon’s chest. “A re-do.”
“We just had lunch yesterday. We have lunch all the time,” Namjoon laughed, pretending to stumble a little with the force of it and rubbing at the spot after Taehyung relented. “But sure.”
“Yeah, but this time I’m treating.” Taehyung pushed his hair off of his face to reveal his raised eyebrows. “Look.”
Namjoon’s laugh was generally quite soft and more often than not, hidden behind a hand. At the sight of Taehyung’s eyebrows, it erupted in full force, a full-bodied ha ha ha that made Taehyung’s inside twist and a smile threaten the corners of his mouth.
“You’re laughing now,” Taehyung warned, committed to threatening Namjoon. “But I’m the one who’s gonna be laughing when you’re eating a huge steak that I have cunningly managed to pay for before it reaches your mouth.”
“Don’t worry, Taehyung-ah,” Namjoon said, grinning, arms wrapped around himself like he could physically restrain the laugh still bubbling in his voice. “The brows are out. Things are serious.”
“Yeah.” Taehyung pushed his bangs up further and widened his eyes. “Don’t mess with me.”
“I would never,” Namjoon said. He continued in that way that he had, accidentally laid bare. “I’m a coward.”
Namjoon was not a coward, but he probably believed he was.
Taehyung knew the feeling of laying too much of yourself at the feet of people that didn’t know how to care for it properly. He was thicker-skinned than Namjoon, had never learned to be properly concerned about what other people thought of him. Namjoon on the other hand, sometimes would disappear for hours at a time after receiving feedback on his thesis and who couldn’t take a compliment without shaking his head. It made Taehyung want to stand in front of him with a sheet, keep the harsh world from looking at him for too long.
“You’re not,” Taehyung said. “You’re powerful, hyung.”
He knew it was true because of how lately every time that Namjoon entered a room, he forgot how to take full breaths, his lungs burning like he’d been holding something in. Namjoon had a lot of power—it was just that part of it was how he didn’t know he had any power at all.
*
It was hard to keep track of who was winning.
Namjoon did let him pay for lunch eventually, hand outstretched across the table after Taehyung signed the bill. Taehyung grasped it and squeezed, smiled with all his teeth, silly. “We’re even now.”
“Are we?” Namjoon asked, tilting his head and sliding out of the booth, smooth in a way that he very rarely pulled off, out of character enough for Taehyung to sit confused for a few moments before scrambling after Namjoon. “Hyung! What does that mean?”
And then:
taehyung
icky break room coffee at 1400?
<3 namjoonie hyung <3
didn’t you say you had a meeting with yg??
if not, yes!
if yes, after?
taehyung
YOURE ALWAYS SAVING MY LIFE
IT’S THE WORST
<3 namjoonie hyung <3
you’re welcome
taehyung
...
THANKS
But then:
Taehyung never lets Namjoon suffer through the icky break room coffee anymore. Not when it was easy enough to pop out to the café across the street and buy Namjoon the overly sweet blended coffee drinks that he preferred. He had so much less to do as an undergraduate intern that Namjoon did now that school was almost back in session and he was inching closer and closer to his thesis defense.
The break room was nice, though, so they met there. It was warm and lived in, mostly made of windows and well-loved plants. Taehyung privately referred to it as 1970s seed catalogue chic, and he kind of wanted to live there. Namjoon’s relieved smile upon entering was usually the nicest part, so Taehyung kept trying to keep it on his face.
Except when Taehyung pushed his way through the flaking turquoise cafeteria doors, Namjoon looked up at him with a different look instead. It wasn’t bad—it was just different. Namjoon looked determined underneath his usual layer of embarrassed.
“Serious face,” Taehyung commented, setting down Namjoon’s drink in front of him and wiping the condensation off on his pants with a bright smile.
Namjoon looked ever so slightly pained as he reluctantly curled his hands around the drink. “Tae, I told you no more.”
Taehyung shrugged, resting his elbow against the table to prop his grinning face up on his palm.
“Hm, I seem to be having selective recall,” Taehyung mused. He rolled his eyes up to the ceiling innocently to avoid Namjoon’s gaze. “I don’t remember that.”
“Uh huh,” Namjoon said, but Tae noticed some warmth creeped back in. Namjoon took a sip and Taehyung’s eyes tracked the movement. When he was finished, he asked, “Did you really forget about your meeting with Yoongi?”
Taehyung tilted his head. “Well. Kinda. You reminded me, and then I didn’t forget.”
Namjoon nodded, taking another sip. “Ah, this is good.”
Taehyung preened, but only for a moment before he noticed how big and awkward Namjoon was being. Namjoon’s grace was particularly affected by his mood, the angles of his body turning against him the moment a cloud came over his head and he currently looked like he he had grown a few extra elbows.
“So, what’s up?” Taehyung prompted. It could be anything really, but Taehyung had the vague sense of dread that it actually was about him.
Namjoon sighed. He pushed his drink away and sat up. Some of the extra elbow energy cleared, replaced by the clear-headed, broad-shouldered Namjoon that taught undergraduate students about tortoise shit with a straight face.
Taehyung wished he had ironed his shirt this morning, or bothered to part his hair. This felt like a conversation he should be respectable for.
“Do you use a calendar?” Namjoon asked. His face was round and grave, but sincere.
Taehyung raised an eyebrow. “…No?”
Namjoon nodded. He took a sip of his drink. “Not to give completely unsolicited advice, but I think it would really help you.”
Taehyung pondered this. Taehyung chipped away at a piece of the table lining and then stopped. He was annoyed, just enough that he could observe it in a faraway way, which was surprising.
Namjoon looked uncomfortable, but he continued anyway. “I just noticed that it upsets you whenever you forget things for work, and like—for friends and stuff too. I know last week you wished you had more time to get a funnier present for Jungkook,” Namjoon offered reasonably. Taehyung felt like a petulant child, so he looked up and nodded to keep up appearances.
Namjoon took this as encouragement. “So a calendar would just, help, you know? I keep one. I would forget everything if I didn’t. Wanna see my app?”
Taehyung left the break room with a calendar app installed on his phone, and his fall classes loaded in, along with Jimin’s birthday with a reminder set for the week before. Taehyung kept opening and closing it. He was still annoyed, a little, even though he had smiled and given Namjoon a hug and thanked him when they parted ways.
Then,
<3 namjoonie hyung <3
sorry if that was annoying
i know im overbearing sometimes
i just thought it might help
It felt like a turning point. And then there was another one:
Summer, giving its last lingering hug, sticky and overdrawn. Namjoon and Taehyung, flat on their backs in the park near Taehyung’s flat on a Saturday after Namjoon texted him asking if he was free to come to the Farmer’s Market. Of course Taehyung was free to go to the Farmer’s Market with Kim Namjoon. The sky was so blue and endless above them and their fingers were sticky from sampling too many peaches.
“It’s a brontosaurus.”
“With all due respect, I have to disagree. The spikes along the spine are clear and pronounced,” Namjoon said, pointing up at the admittedly obvious spines along the top of the one tenacious cloud just poking out from beyond foliage of the tree they were underneath.
“Ah, correct,” Taehyung sighed. “Stegosaurus.”
“Don’t let anyone tell you the Ph.D is useless,” Namjoon murmured lazily, reaching up to poke Taehyung in the cheek, gentle.
Taehyung scrunched his nose, and tilted his face toward Namjoon. “Dr. Kim Namjoonie-hyung, the leading transient water-based archaeology scholar.”
Namjoon laughed, a sharp bark that was half genuine and half embarrassed. Taehyung had to bring both hands up to press his fingers into Namjoon’s dimples; it was the law.
“You’re so cute, hyung,” Taehyung said. He got the sense that Namjoon forgot almost immediately after every time he reminded him, which is why he always had to repeat it, hold his face between his hands and say it with his eyes wide so Namjoon knew he was telling the truth.
Namjoon settled back against the grass, resigned but smiling still despite the babying (and maybe, the quiet, ambitious part of Taehyung’s mind wanted to believe, because of it).
The silences between them were soft and wide, lightness left lingering on their faces long after the laughs had gone. Namjoon hummed idly as they sat, his voice a low grumble, barely melodic. When Taehyung looked over at him, his eyes were closed and his expression was smooth.
“Hey,” Taehyung whispered. “Namjoon-ssi.”
“Taehyung-ssi,” Namjoon murmured, voice low enough to shake the earth, the quietest ripple.
“This is really nice, huh?”
Namjoon’s eyes fluttered open, eyes smiling first before the rest of his face caught up, the slightest upturn of lips.
“Really nice,” he agreed, eyes closing again, slow. Taehyung slipped his hand alongside Namjoon’s, let their fingers tangle like it was natural, grass growing up around them.
It was hard to keep track of who was winning; harder still when Namjoon was all lovely and sun-dappled, as relaxed as Taehyung had seen him in weeks. Taehyung’s insides felt like they would bubble up out of his body at any second, beyond the laws of gravity and the edge of reason, in a way that felt real for the first time in forever, grounded in something that he could put his hands on.
Namjoon had come up for a few brief moments at Taehyung’s urging, because Jimin was home and he was worried if Jimin didn’t meet Namjoon soon, he would start a stakeout outside of the zoo. Namjoon was kind and effortlessly endearing, bowing to Jimin and accidentally revealing how much he knew about him despite them having never met.
(Namjoon’s ears went red, and he said, “Taehyung-ssi loves you a lot. He talks about you a lot.”
“Don’t rat me out, hyung,” Taehyung whined, like he didn’t spend nearly all of his time cooing in Jimin’s ear about how much he loved him.)
“What an odd, long man,” Jimin said, stunned, as Namjoon disappeared out the door and his footfalls echoed down the stairs.
Taehyung heaved a long-suffering sigh from the couch, a bit nasal as he hung upside down off the edge. He used his leg to gesture towards the vase on the windowsill that caused him physical pain to rest his eyes on. “We walked here and he kept seeing flowers that he liked.”
“Gross,” Jimin said sarcastically, leaning over the couch and poking Taehyung in the stomach. Taehyung didn’t have the strength to react. He liked Namjoon too much. His head felt full of it now.
He got like this sometimes—he fell in love like a cannonball off a dock, no thought and no reservation. It had always been a stupid way to live, but it was extra stupid this time. It was all his fault.
He heard Jimin coming around to the front of the couch and he almost kicked his legs out to keep him away. Taehyung didn’t want to hear any of the things that Jimin could say to him. Jimin lifted his legs gently, and pulled them into his lap.
“How are you?” Jimin’s voice was soft in the way it always was right before he was going to be mean. Jimin sounded the same before he had to remind Taehyung to wash his ramen bowls after three days of them “soaking” in the sink and when he told Taehyung that he needed to start seeing a therapist last winter after Taehyung had gotten a bad grade in a course and accidentally forgotten how to be happy.
“Feel bad.”
Jimin curled a hand around his ankle.
“It’s cause all the blood’s in your head, silly,” Jimin said, because they both knew that was not why Taehyung felt bad. Taehyung closed his eyes and scrunched up his nose against the relentless whirl of emotion in his chest.
It felt bad for so many reasons that it didn’t even seem worthwhile to say them all out loud, not when the conclusion was so clear already. He didn’t even want to gather them all in his head at once in case they started to take over.
Jimin had other things to be doing than cradling Taehyung through another crisis, each more unreasonable than the last, and Taehyung felt doubly awful about it since this one was almost entirely his fault. Jimin was going to be a doctor, and he probably should be doing things like memorizing every single bone in the human body instead of cuddling with Taehyung because he managed to trap himself into another dumb crush. Taehyung would always be a silly penguin boy, and he shouldn’t take up so much energy. Jimin pressed his thumbs to the tight muscle in his calves.
“It’s okay, Taetae,” Jimin said, his hands punishing and necessary as he worked out the tension. Taehyung didn’t know what was supposed to be okay but he wanted to believe Jimin anyway. He dragged his head back up onto the couch and curled into the back cushion. He reached up blindly with one arm until he found Jimin and tugged him down until he could press his face into Jimin’s neck.
It was easy to be nice to Namjoon. He rarely bought things for himself, and so if you listened to him when he talked, you could tell the things he wanted but didn’t need. It was the easiest thing in the world to put his hands on Namjoon’s face when he was being particularly earnest or kind and press until his cheeks bunched and made his eyes smile. It was easy to let him know how handsome he was every time his face caught the light, watch him blush and duck under the attention, pretty. It was easy to read drafts of his thesis and remind him that he was brilliant.
Taehyung, with a heavy pit in his stomach, realized miserably that the nice-off was futile, had been right from the start. Namjoon was a gift, something shining and undeserved and pristine, not because he was perfect but because he would always be trying his best. The world couldn’t be as nice to Namjoon as he deserved, and everyone who loved Namjoon would spend the rest of their lives trying in futility to make up the cosmic balance. It was silly to think he could ever get ahead.
“No more feelings,” Taehyung muttered, finally, once it was dark and he couldn’t see Namjoon’s flowers or Jimin’s concerned face. He didn’t want to be as big of a baby as he was. It was hard to know how much he needed everyone else, and worry constantly about whether he was doing enough in return.
“Okay,” Jimin agreed, carding his fingers through Taehyung’s hair, comfort that he had done little to deserve but appreciated anyway. “No more feelings.”
”Great,” Taehyung mumbled into Jimin’s neck.
Jimin squirmed and shoved his fingers into Taehyung’s side. “They’re still there, though.”
Taehyung knew that, obviously. It was impossible not to know.
Namjoon’s kindness had begun to hurt like he was pressing on a bruise, aching and purpled just under the skin. Namjoon’s gentle heart was huge, big enough to hold softness for every person that he came across. The difference between him and Namjoon was that there was a selfish part of Taehyung that wished it wasn’t. He wished that Namjoon had a particular softness for him, the way that Taehyung had a particular softness for him, the kind that seemed intent on growing.
*
Taehyung was sweating. Niceness was an extreme sport, he knew that now. It was the last day of Taehyung’s internship, and it was Namjoon’s birthday on Saturday. Taehyung bought a cake. It had a Ryan bear riding on top of a turtle, because Namjoon loved when animals hung out together, and he loved Ryan and turtles more than anything else. He was late with the cake, because—a lot of reasons, most of them his fault, but Hoseok texting him fifteen times whether he was close just didn’t help.
The gathering was set up in the over-grown break room, and he hoped the golden light would be just beginning to pour in through the big picture windows. They were scheduled to gather at 15:50, and the email that Namjoon got said to show at 16:00. It was 15:58.
After his breakdown with Jimin, Taehyung told himself he had to stop being a baby. He could be nice even if Namjoon wasn’t nice in the same way. Namjoon deserved that. Taehyung wanted to be that, for him. Thus, the cake and the sweating.
He burst through the door, balancing the cake box on one hand. The light was perfect. It looked like a wildlife still, all of the greenery, and the smiling zookeepers in shades of brown. Taehyung smiled, big, happy to be part of them.
Then: in the middle of all of their coworkers, was Namjoon holding a cake box.
Hoseok looked absolutely delighted, his eyes darting between them waiting on either to react. Taehyung heard Yoongi murmur, reign it in into his ear. Yoongi was his favorite boss. Hoseok barked across the room anyway, “Open the boxes!”
Taehyung opened his cake box slowly, taking a step towards Namjoon and Namjoon did the same. In Namjoon’s box, was a cake covered in glazed strawberries, topped with a figurine of Nick from Zootopia and all of the penguins from Madagascar.
“Looks like we both had the improbable but epic crossover cake idea,” Namjoon said, weakly. Taehyung’s stomach felt like it was going to explode with all of the feelings inside. He shoved his box into Namjoon’s hands and took his cake, yelling, “It’s so cute!”
Everyone started clapping then, a sharp whistle coming from Yoongi’s direction before someone that sounded suspiciously like Jin began a rousing and awful rendition of Happy Birthday for Namjoon. Taehyung grabbed the lighter out of his pocket and lit the wick of the candle that he had placed in the cake before leaving the shop. Namjoon glowed, gold from the sun and flickering warm from the candle. His eyes closed.
happy birthday dear jooooooooooooonie-ssi
happy birthday to you!
Namjoon blew out the candle, just a quick puff of breath, and Taehyung wasted no time swiping a finger through the icing on his cake and smearing it in a long line down Namjoon’s face. The room erupted in whoops, and Taehyung grinned as Namjoon looked up at him like he had never experienced true betrayal before this. Taehyung picked a strawberry off the top of his cake and held it out to Namjoon as an apology.
Namjoon leaned in to grab it between his teeth. At the last second, Taehyung shoved it into his own mouth and ran. It seemed right to end things this way, mutual cakes and mutual terror, Namjoon yelling at him for being a bad dongsaeng as he chased him around the room with a finger full of icing.
*
They went home together, like they always did. Namjoon was weird the entire walk home. He tripped over his feet every three seconds, and kept taking sharp inhales of breath like he was going to say something. Taehyung looked up every time, but Namjoon’s eyes were still trained on the sidewalk in front of them, or the passing traffic. Taehyung didn't want to let himself get excited for anything, but there was an air of anticipation in the air. Endings and beginnings had the same feelings sometimes. When Namjoon finally caught him in the break room, he had forced Taehyung to feed him a strawberry, his laughing mouth close to Taehyung's fingers, Namjoon's hand wrapped warmly around his wrist. He had been hopeful then. But now it was awkward.
“Thanks for the cake, Taehyung-ah,” Namjoon said when they got to the front of Taehyung’s apartment building. Like an acquaintance. Like they hadn’t spent all summer living in each others’ pockets. “You did a great job this summer.”
Namjoon took a deep breath and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He had changed out of his turtle clothes and he was in his giant pink hoodie. He was wearing his glasses because he hadn't been in the habitat today, thick-rimmed to remind everyone that he was a professor-to-be. It was cute to see him dwarfed by something. Namjoon was cute. The sincerity on his face absolutely devastating. He was golden.
“It’s so pretty here,” Namjoon said, voice stilted, head tilted up toward the trees, stalling. Taehyung would die this way, he was sure of it. Namjoon seemed to come back to himself, taking a deep breath and shaking his head before speaking. “Well. I wanted to say that—um. Getting to know you was the best part of the summer. I’m really glad I accidentally saved your ass with Hoseok.”
Taehyung knew he was supposed to react positively, but his feelings felt all too plain, his heart open on the table. It was hard to feel good when your soft parts were all out there, no shell. Taehyung was sure it was written across his face. He felt exposed, and it felt like a turning point, like there was no going back. Namjoon continued anyway, and it felt sadistic. Namjoon was letting him down easy and encouraging him at the same time. Namjoon wasn’t a cruel person, so Taehyung didn’t understand why he was doing this.
“I think that you’re so smart, Tae,” Namjoon said, eyes round with how much he wanted Taehyung to believe him. “I know that sometimes people don’t take you seriously, but they’re the stupid ones. You’re going to be so great at whatever it is you want to do in the future. It’s really a privilege to be your friend.”
Namjoon shifted his weight. “Um. Is there anything else you want to say? Before this is all over?”
Taehyung had no idea what the hell that could possibly mean or why Namjoon would ask that, but it sent his heart straight into his throat. “Huh? No.”
“Oh—oh, ok.” Namjoon looked taken aback, rocking back onto his heels. Taehyung hated this. This was the absolute worst. He barely knew what to say when he knew what was going on, and he hadn't felt connected to reality since he received the knowledge that Namjoon had purchased him a Madagascar/Zootopia crossover cake.
Namjoon was quiet. He pursed his lips, and then parted them. Then, he closed his mouth again. He was half shadowed. The sun was setting, now that September had creeped in unannounced and begun to steal the last of their daylight hours. There was sweat beading at Taehyung’s temples, prickling. It was impossible to know what to feel.
Taehyung’s boxy grimace spread across his face. He wondered if there was any joke that could reverse him out of this situation, and he came up short. He had never been any good at deflecting. “Um. Well.”
He looked away, dark. It seemed silly now, even sillier than before that he couldn’t just say it outright when he needed to.
“Fine,” Taehyung huffed. But still, Taehyung was going to cry. He couldn’t look Namjoon straight in the face.
“It’s just—it’s not nice anymore,” Taehyung said, low. He crossed his arms across his chest and took a step away. “It’s not nice to be this nice—not when—”
Taehyung’s voice wavered, and he curled his arms tighter around himself. “It’s not the same as when I do it,” Taehyung said, sad and tired and upset, eyes trained up at the trees above them because he didn’t want to see Namjoon’s stupid earnest face, the nicest face that had ever or would ever be. “So it’s not nice anymore. You have to know that.”
“Tae,” Namjoon said gently, reaching out.
Taehyung took another step back. “Please don’t touch me.”
Namjoon took his hand back quickly, and took a step back, looking pained. “I’m sorry.”
Neither of them moved. Taehyung looked at the ground. He let his arms drop to his sides. They felt heavy and his hands tingled as the blood rushed to his fingertips. He was exhausted. This had to end somehow.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I was trying to be—” Namjoon broke off. He started again, gently. “What do you mean when you’re nice? You can tell me. We can talk about it.”
“Don’t talk to me like a baby,” Taehyung bit out, even though Namjoon wasn’t really. He was just trying to be nice. Taehyung knew that. It was the entire problem. He took a breath, and shook his head, like he could rattle his brain enough to get all the things he needed to say to come out. He was quiet instead.
Namjoon scrubbed a hand over his head, eyebrows stitching together. Taehyung could see the motion because of how bad he was at pouting, unable to keep his head down when he could tell Namjoon was getting distressed. It wasn’t Namjoon’s fault. Taehyung needed to stop being a baby, but it was really hard.
Namjoon took a loud, rattling breath. “Tae, I’m really sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” he said, slowly, like every word was more embarrassing than the last. Taehyung jerked his head up. “It’s totally–I never wanted you to feel like you had to reciprocate… anything.”
Namjoon looked inches from death. Taehyung was so very confused.
“I’m not uncomfortable,” Taehyung said. He drew his brows together, and took a step closer to Namjoon, who looked smaller than he ever should. “Hyung, you didn’t make me uncomfortable. You’re fine. It’s just—“
“It’s me. I’m not… this nice,” Taehyung admitted, finally. It felt bad to say, because he considered himself a pretty nice person, a good person. It felt wrong in the way that it had felt wrong this whole time. He’d been fooling Namjoon into thinking he was better than he was. It was uncomfortable in the way of writing resumes, talking in interviews. He had spun himself into this larger than life version of himself. Namjoon was this way all on his own, in real life. It wasn’t fair.
“I’m especially nice. To you. And not just because we kind of accidentally started a nice fight, but because—“
Taehyung broke off, searching his head for the right feelings. Namjoon still looked distressed. He wanted to reach out and smooth out the line between Namjoon’s brows with his thumbs. He wanted to wrap his arms all the way around Namjoon’s body and squeeze until he made one of those punched out breathy sounds, when the world took him by surprise. The good kind, tiny turtles making their way to the ocean, the best thing in the world.
Taehyung reached out and took Namjoon’s hand in his. Taehyung decided that he had to keep going.
“I think you deserve the nicest things in the whole world. I think you deserve more than nice. I was trying extra hard.”
Namjoon’s palm was sweating. Taehyung tugged him forward to wipe it on the thigh of his own pants and resumed holding it.
There was one more moment of stillness before Taehyung realized what he had done and blanched. Namjoon looked up and met his eyes, tilting his head, the grimace on his face closer to smiling than before. “Really?”
“Sorry,” Taehyung cried, letting go and covering his face. “Sorry, hyung—this is what I mean!”
Namjoon would have never. He was so polite that he would have held onto Taehyung’s sweaty hand until their palms gathered so much liquid that it dripped onto his shoes, even if they were his favorite shoes, even if Taehyung was the worst. Namjoon was so polite that he would hold his sweaty drippy hand until the end of the world. He didn’t want Taehyung. Taehyung was just a grubby boy pretending to be better than he was, and it was finally coming out.
Taehyung wasn’t built for this kind of stress. He didn’t know what he hoped to accomplish with this dumb conversation anymore. He couldn’t believe he had wiped Namjoon’s sweaty hand on his leg. He wished for one single moment in his life he had the self control to think about things before acting. He thought, this couldn’t possibly go any worse.
Someone was tugging on his hands, prying them away from his face. He wondered who it could be, since Namjoon was much too kind to do something like extend this situation. Namjoon was merciful, he would run away while he could. It would be better for both of them.
“Please no,” Taehyung whined, his face hot. “Let’s forget all of this. Let’s rewind. Bzzzzt.”
Namjoon took his hands again, making a show of wiping them one at a time before, smiling a little. “All good. We can’t rewind, though.”
Namjoon leaned forward, but didn’t take a step. He breathed out. His eyes darted somewhere beyond Taehyung, and Taehyung had to resist the urge to look behind him and see if something was there. His chest was going to implode at any second.
“That’s all I had to say,” Taehyung said, redundantly. He was pouting. He couldn’t help it. Namjoon looked like he was in on a joke, and Taehyung thought it was really an inappropriate time for an expression like that. Everything between them felt Big.
“Tae,” Namjoon started. He looked pained again. “I’m not—I mean, I am—I am like this. Usually.”
Taehyung can almost hear all of the energy go out of his body. Excuses, ways to escape, angry snaps all came and died on his lips. Namjoon opened his mouth again, closed it. He was still holding Taehyung’s hands. His palms were still sweating.
“Okay,” Taehyung said, squirming.
Namjoon shook his head. When he looked at Taehyung again, it was right in the eyes, absolutely fatal. Taehyung had sinned too much to be looked at like that, like the most precious thing in the world. He was going to burst into flames. “I’m nice. But I mean it differently with you. I think you deserve the nicest things in the world too. I think you deserve to be taken seriously. I think you deserve to be listened to. I think you deserve all the things you think you don’t deserve. That’s what I was trying to say.”
Taehyung’s breath caught in his throat. He took a step forward. “Oh.”
Namjoon went to rub his forehead nervously, but he realized halfway through that he was taking Taehyung’s hand with him. “Sorry.”
“Not sorry,” Taehyung corrected, stepping closer. He brought their joined hands up to Namjoon’s forehead and wiped off the sweat at his temple with the back of his own hand. His voice was small when he added, “A little sorry for that. It was less gross in my head. I was trying to be nice.”
“You are nice, Taehyung-ah,” Namjoon said, his voice mostly breath at this proximity. “You’re the nicest.”
Taehyung’s smile felt like it came up from the base of his stomach, spreading warm and rapid all the way up through his system. “So, I win?”
“Hm.” Namjoon grinned, all of his teeth, his full mouth, eyes like moons. Taehyung swayed forward, he couldn’t help it. Namjoon was wrong; Taehyung wasn’t as nice as he was. He wouldn’t wait forever. There were things he wanted.
“Can I kiss you?” Taehyung asked, finally. Namjoon looked like someone had punched him in the stomach, but he nodded, kept nodding even has his eyes closed, didn’t stop until Taehyung finally leaned up and kissed him, sweet, the sweetest.
Namjoon’s lips were warm and soft under his, and Taehyung sighed, tugged him closer by their joined hands. He opened his mouth to kiss Namjoon deeper, and Namjoon made the punched out breathy sound that Taehyung had been after earlier. Taehyung swallowed it, leaning into Namjoon’s body, letting his hands go to cup the soft round of his cheeks. He would do this forever. He would drown in it before he stopped, selfish.
Namjoon had to breathe, eventually. When they parted, Taehyung chased after his mouth, dazed.
“I think it’s a draw,” Namjoon said, panting but diplomatic. Taehyung was confused, his eyes crossing a little.
“Huh?”
Namjoon kissed the center of Taehyung’s mouth, pressed his thumbs to the soft spot behind Taehyung’s ears, Namjoon’s big hands cradling his skull. When he pulled away, he was smiling.
“The nice-off,” Namjoon reminded him. Taehyung groaned.
“Never mind,” Taehyung said. He kissed Namjoon again, this time on the cheek. Namjoon’s skin was so soft. He felt stupid with all the feeling. His whole body felt hot. “I resign. I concede. You win. I want to do not-nice things, Kim Namjoon-ssi. I have very not-nice feelings towards you.”
“Interesting,” Namjoon said. His bottom lip was shiny. Taehyung was unable to move his gaze from it. “Nice is a very subjective word, did you know that it comes from—“
“I don’t care,” Taehyung said, relishing in the freedom from niceties. He dragged Namjoon’s face back down to his, and bit at his lips. Namjoon gasped, hands solid at Taehyung’s waist.
“Okay—yeah, great argument,” Namjoon said against his mouth, his breath dragging ragged. Taehyung grinned. “Nice is overrated.”