Chapter Text
“Cory? Cory!”
Snapping his head towards Missy with a start, Cory’s hurled back to clear consciousness and to the buzz of the sixth form common area. Eyes taking in her scowl, he sinks back into his seat, drawing his arms around himself defensively . He’d almost completely forgotten where he was, so absorbed in his own mind that his fortress of silence could only be broken by Missy’s shrill shriek.
“Have I got something on my face?”
Cocking his head , he furrows his brow in non-understanding absence.
“What?”
Grunting, she rolls her eyes so far back he’s surprised they don’t fall out of her head.
“HAVE I GOT SOMETHING ON MY FACE?”
“No?”
“What the hell you staring at then?”
God, he needs to stop being so obvious. Mentally smacking himself, he shakes his head confidently, feigning ignorance.
“Nothing! Alright?” He snaps back angrily, earning a frown of concern from Riz.
He really wishes it was nothing. Behind Missy, taped to the wall, gleams the poster for Ackley Bridge’s own LGBT support group, just a daily reminder of how far he’s fucked everything up. Jesus, he can’t even look at the thing without his mind spiralling straight to Nav and the night they shared and every moment in-between.
It’s been three weeks since the incident and he’s growing more and more anxious by the moment, as if every minute that passes his heart is getting closer to bursting through his own chest. The confusion he’d felt at first had sent him into a full blown panic; he didn’t like Nav, he couldn’t like Nav. He’d been so sure of himself, how couldn’t you be when everybody told you exactly who you were; Cory Wilson, the walking STD. For so long, he’d been veiled behind a mirage and Nav, with his infinite kindness had shattered everything Cory thought he knew about himself.
As Missy stomps out of the room, Riz shifts his weight, sliding carefully towards him. Cory daren’t even look at him, too fearful of spilling everything that’s brewing underneath his skin.
“Come on Cory, Man. What’s the matter?”
Glaring at his feet, he shakes his head. He so badly wants to tell Riz, just for the relief of telling somebody, so that maybe they could help him decipher the code in his head. It’s on the tip of his tongue, yet no matter how hard he wills himself, he daren’t open himself up for exposure.
“If this is about Missy, I think you’re wasting your time mate, I don’t think she’s gonna go for it.”
Snorting, Cory let’s out a half smile.
“No, no, it’s not about Missy.” He laughs.
“Then what’s the matter?”
Riz gives him a patient smile and Cory feels the tension light to the top of his chest. Come on, this could be so easy!
Except it wasn’t easy at all; Cory was absolutely terrified. How on earth did you tell someone how you were feeling when you barely knew yourself?
Swallowing, he takes the plunge. “It’s…I…I”
Of course that’s the moment Nav glides through the door. As Cory catches sight of Naveed, his jaw locks immediately, lips held parted by the wave of helplessness that overcomes him. He’s giggling over something with Naz and as he smiles radiantly, she holds her stomach and throws her head back in response. Immediately, he’s hit by a pang of jealousy. It’s ridiculous really, Nav is clearly 100% gay and he’s pretty sure Naz is dating Sam in the year bellow but it doesn’t change the fact that he wishes it were him laughing with Naveed and pinned to his side. He can’t believe in fact how badly he wants it; how badly he wants Naveed.
As Nav throws his bag down on the sofa opposite Cory, their eyes lock for a moment. For a split second, his eyes soften, then he gives Cory an empty smile, so cool Cory feels like a stranger. How can Nav seem so unfazed, when just the sight of Naveed has Cory coming apart at the seams?
He’s so distracted by Naveed, that he almost doesn’t catch the look of surprise grip Riz’s face, as the cogs in his head finally settle into place.
_
They’re sitting next to one another in English later that day, when Riz drops a bombshell.
“Something happened between you and Nav, didn’t it?”
Cory drops his pen. Stilling for a second, he stares hard at the whiteboard. Come on Cory, play it cool.
“Yeah, it did.”
That was not supposed to come out! Veins flushing ice cold, he turns to face Riz. Riz however, invites neither shame nor sympathy; just perfect neutrality. He lets his guard drop just a millimetre.
“You really can’t keep it in your pants can you?”
God, he loves his best mate. There’s no judgement on Riz’s face, at most mild amusement. Letting out a shaky breath, he scoots his chair closer to Riz and blinks around quickly, careful to make sure no ones listening in. Telling Riz has left him emotionally exhausted enough for one day; he’s doesn’t know what he’ll do if anyone else were to know.
“I don’t understand Riz, I don’t know what to do, I’ve messed everything up.” He sighs, looking down at his notepad and gritting his teeth.
“But do you know what you want?” Riz asks.
Cory’s sad smile tells Riz everything he needs to know.
“You’ve gone soft Cory Wilson, never thought I’d see the day.” Riz laughs. At Cory’s look of sadness however, he furrows his brow. Picking up Cory’s pen, Riz slides the notepad in front of him. Scribbling carefully in his elongated font, he writes the words, ’To do list’, at the top of the page.
“When I get stressed out, I write down everything I need to do in a list, break everything down easy.”
Raising his eyebrow, he blinks at Riz with apprehension. What has he got loose?
“Thanks mate”, He says, elbowing Riz with a grin.
Smiling, he begins to write.
1). Work out how you feel.
Okay, so Cory knows how he feels about Naveed. It’s more than lust; more than the sexual desire he’s felt before. It’s the feeling of being utterly incomplete and empty whenever Nav’s not around. It’s seeing Nav everywhere he goes; on the bus, on the rugby pitch, in town; everywhere he goes he searches for Naveed, yet every time he sees him, his heart cracks a little bit more.
But now, Cory doesn’t know how he feels about everybody else. He’s never liked a guy before, hasn’t even considered it. He’s had sex with plenty of girls, and of course he’s liked it, but he’s never really liked any of them and he’s never even got close to love. Well, not until know.
So he wasn’t lying when he said he wasn’t gay. But maybe he wasn’t completely straight. Was there somewhere in-between?
That’s what leads to find himself on Riz’s bed, with Riz’s laptop open in front of the both of them, late one Tuesday night. He’d turned up still in his school uniform, the list carefully folded in his fist and his heart full of determination. As cramped as the new house was, he felt a lot more at ease there than in Riz’s mansion, even if they still had to stay quiet to avoid Aliya hearing in.
“I appreciate the help mate, but do you really this is actually accurate?” He frowns down at the webpage.
Sniggering, Riz folds his arms confidently. “I think this is science.”
Cory snorts loudly.
“Don’t take the piss!” He exclaims.
“Get on with it then!”
He zooms through the quiz, pausing only to thump Riz when he laughs at the more intimate questions.
When the result pops up, he feels his chest go tight. It’s not as if Ackley Bridge is the known for its sexual diversity, so the words feel something foreign, yet very close simultaneous.
“So…”
“So…”
“Congratulations mate, you’re bisexual! How do you feel?”
“I’m not pregnant Riz.” He laughs nervously.
Looking down at the screen, he let’s his lips form the words.
“Bisexual”
“So, how does it feel?”
“Right, it feels right.”
2). Apologise to Naveed.
It’s not exactly that Naveed hates him. It’s more the fact that Cory doesn’t deserve for Nav to love him.
He’d been an arsehole, a proper arsehole. Naveed had held out his hand and his heart to Cory and out of blind fear and selfishness, he’d trampled it with all his might. Of course that night had meant different things to both of them, how could it not have been? It had changed everything Cory had thought about himself and thrown him a whole new world. Yet that didn’t change what it could have been for the both of them, the start of something pure and wonderful and Cory was the one who’d ruined that, so now it was up to him to make it right.
Once again, he drags Riz along to help him. He’s decided to ambush Naveed at the beginning of lunch, before Naz can drag him as far away from Cory as he can. He knows the way Nazreen looks at him has changed; indifference has twisted into a cold resentment, a daily reminder of how much of a wanker he is.
As the maths class files out of the door, he and Riz perch themselves on the staircase above, waiting to intercept the couple. As they spot them, Riz darts down the stairs, jumping quickly in front of Naz.
“Naz, I really need to speak to you.”
After a couple of minutes of bartering, Naz stomps of behind Riz and Cory pounces down the stairs, catching Nav’s arm as he turns to follow her. Even though his fingers are light on Naveed’s skin, as Nav turns to face him, he snaps him arms roughly down to his side, as if Cory’s touch were scolding hot.
“Alright mate?”
“Can we talk?”
They find themselves once again sharing the bench on the playground, the one that overlooks the valley and town below.
Cory however, can’t tare his eyes away from the beautiful boy in front of him. Every look he gives him is drug like, it’s narcotic quality washing over Cory and making his feel utterly weightless. His hunger for Nav is insatiable and the distance between them is utterly torturous.
“I want to say sorry, but I know it can never been enough.”
Nav’s face instantly hardens and he rolls his eyes coldly.
“We’ve already been through this.” He scoffs, “You’ve made it clear how you feel.” His words are like gunpowder, ignited by the venomous tone of his voice. He knows that tone of voice: he uses it far too often himself, to push others way from getting close enough to hurt him.
“No!” He exclaims, “I wasn’t telling the truth then.”
“Then what is the truth?”
He’s rehearsed what he’s going to say again and again in his head. He knows the answer to this. So why is his his heart pounding in his ears, the blood rushing to his head to fast he feels he might faint? Why can’t he find the right way to say this? Why isn’t he brave enough do this?
Shaking his head, Nav laughs dryly.
“Typical. You know what I think the truth is Cory? I think you’re frightened. I think you’re so scared of getting hurt that you’re not willing to admit what you really want. Trust me Cory I know what it’s like to be afraid, but I would never throw you under the bus to protect myself. For God’s sake Cory, just let someone help you.”
And with that, he stomps away, leaving Cory to do nothing but hold back the tears.
-
He’s not even made it out onto the Rugby pitch, when Riz barrels into him and drags him off back into the changing rooms.
“You’re not going out there until you speak to me, I’m not having my neck broken again.”
He knows Riz is only joking but the guilt is enough to push tears down his face.
“Cory!” Riz backs away in panic, holding his hands up defensively, “Come on Cory I was only joking!”
“Why do I fuck everything up Riz!” He exclaims, throwing his head into his hands, “Can’t even say sorry right, never mind tell him that I like him!”
They both freeze instantly.
“I said it.”
“You said it, now just say it to him next time.”
He groans, “Wish it were that easy.”
“Look, I know you’re emotionally constipated Cory, but you’re never going to make things right if you’re not honest with Nav.”
Only mildly offended, he nods solemnly, wiping the tears off his cheek. Springing up, Riz marches over to where Cory’s thrown his stuff down on the bench and starts riffling through his backpack. Soon enough, the list is being shoved into Cory’s hand.
“Read our number three.”
Begrudgingly, he sniffs “Tell Nav how you feel.
“When you’ve got a problem that you can’t seem to solve, break it down into steps.”
“Since when do you become a councillor ?” He chokes out a laugh.
“Since when did you become a soppy bastard?”
Cory shakes his head, “Always have been, just didn’t have anybody tell it to.”
“Until you met Nav?”
God...he hated that Riz was so wise.
“He’ll understand Cory, I promise he will.” Riz urges gently, with a softness that sends waves of reassurance through him.
Nodding, he tells Riz he’ll be out on the pitch soon. Smoothing the list over his thigh, he scribbles down a forth point, his heart pounding as he writes.
He knows what he has to do; it’s so clear to him now, clearer than it’s ever been.
He’s so distracted in fact, that when he thunders back into the changing room with the rest of lads, that the list, along with his secret, is gone.