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Jungkook loves Seokjin. He’s loved him for years now, for as long as he can remember.
If anyone asks how or when they fell in love, Jungkook would start talking about how he fell in love the moment he met Seokjin when they accidentally bumped into each other and he offered to pay for the coffee he caused the older to spill on his work suit. He’d claim he knew it was love because he also offered to pay for dry cleaning as well, an offer he’d never extended to anyone before that day.
Seokjin and the friends who know them, on the other hand, would say that even though Jungkook claims to have fallen in love first, Seokjin was the one to make the first move when Jungkook couldn’t even remember what words were. Jungkook argues that he was the one who asked if he could move into Seokjin’s apartment when they had been dating for a while, and Seokjin would counter that he was the one who proposed to Jungkook and took care of the fine details leading up to their wedding. Jungkook would begrudgingly give Seokjin his point for that, but only because they don’t have any photos of Seokjin laughing after he shakily slipped the ring on Seokjin’s finger, kissed him, and then passed out right there on the altar.
Not that he’s in any competition with Seokjin over who is the better husband, but it does play a part in why Jungkook decided to do something special for their tenth wedding anniversary. Moving behind Seokjin’s back, he bought the tickets for a ten-day vacation, asked for the relevant amount of leave time, and a week before they were set to travel, he presented his gift to Seokjin at one of their favorite restaurants.
It was a beautiful trip and they enjoyed every second of it – the pictures were proof of that – and every single moment was perfect. It was back to life as normal the day after they came back from their trip where they ate breakfast, kissed each other goodbye, and went to work.
And life continued as normal until a week after their vacation when Jungkook wakes up earlier than usual because something feels wrong. He turns around on the shared bed and finds Seokjin shivering and running a fever so high that he completely ignores Seokjin’s weak complaints that he’s fine and immediately starts getting ready to go to the hospital even though it’s nearly 5 AM.
Jungkook calls ahead on the way there and by the time they reach he has little more to do that explain that he was the guy who had called earlier and then Seokjin is wheeled away on a gurney to the medical room. He’s left pacing the floors outside the room waiting for someone to bring him news of what is happening to his husband.
A nurse comes by a few minutes later and asks Jungkook a few questions. A look passes on her face when he mentions their trip the week before but she nods as he concludes his recalling of the events up until this morning. She thanks him and hands him a few papers to fill out by the front desk.
It’s only when a child points it out to his mother that Jungkook realizes he’s still in a worn out T-shirt and pajama bottoms, having left without even changing so that he could get Seokjin to the hospital quickly. When he fills out the papers he goes back to where he was in front of the door but takes a seat a few minutes later, the exhaustion catching up to him.
He smells the person coming before they actually make it and he looks up to see a woman walking towards him with a cup in her hand. He briefly recognizes that she was the woman whose child had tugged on her skirt and referred to him as an old man dressed funnily. She flashes an uncertain smile at him before handing him the cup. It’s coffee.
“Hi, um…” she starts, not looking at him but playing with her fingers, “my son saw you earlier and he pointed out that you’d been here a while and he never saw you get up.” It’s then Jungkook notices the child peeking out from behind her long floral skirt to look at him with curious eyes. “He’s like that, he always looks at people and feels worried if he sees them worried. I hope it doesn’t feel like we’re butting in or anything.”
“Not at all.” Jungkook smiles at her, and waves at her son still hiding behind her legs. The child walks a little closer and looks at Jungkook with wide eyes. “Thank you for the coffee.”
The little boy grins at him. “Mommy said I’m too young to drink coffee but adults can drink it because it’s good for you when you’re old.” He ignores his mother’s gasp of indignation as he continues. “Stay strong, Mister. I hope your person gets better soon.”
Jungkook feels tears pricking behind his eyes at this as he gives a grateful smile to mother and child. “Thank you. I hope so too.”
The lady bows slightly before ushering her child away from Jungkook. He’s grateful for their good wishes and considerate actions and hopes they get through with whatever they came here to do.
He sighs as he watches the cup again though. Jungkook doesn’t drink coffee.
It’s over four hours later before Jungkook gets some news. He already called in to both of their jobs and explained their absences and now had nothing better to do that to wait. He hadn’t left the hospital in all that time, not wanting to miss anything if they had called for him.
When they finally do, Jungkook makes his way to the room where Seokjin is sleeping, a slight line of sweat lingering on his forehead and his left arm hooked up to a monitor. He’s no longer in his own nightwear, now covered by a hospital gown with his lower half under the bedsheet.
Jungkook makes his way over to Seokjin’s right and touches his husband’s forehead before sitting down to hold Seokjin’s hand and bring his knuckles to his lips.
The doctor clears his throat and Jungkook looks up at him, his eyes pleading for some answer.
“We’re sorry it took so long to contact to, Mr. Jeon. We had to run a few tests and Mr. Kim’s results only came back from the lab a few moments ago for us to assess.”
“That’s fine. Can you tell me what’s happening? Is he okay? Will he be fine?”
The doctor walks up to the monitor on Seokjin’s left and checks a few numbers on it to jot down before turning back to Jungkook. “His fever is broken at least. You did well to bring him in at the time you did or things could have been much worse. The sudden illness was actually already present in his body and only became manifest into the early hours of this morning, as is the usual case with malaria.”
“Malaria?” Jungkook echoes. His full attention is on the doctor now but he’s gently passing his thumb over Seokjin’s knuckles.
“Yes, malaria. Based on what you told the nurse earlier, we have reason to believe your husband contracted the disease during your trip and only exhibited symptoms so recently since it takes on average 8 to 15 days for onset to occur. It’s typically treated with antimalarial medications, but these won’t work on his case.”
“Why?” Jungkook looks at Seokjin and back at the doctor again, fighting the rising panic lodged in his throat. “What’s wrong with him?”
The doctor starts slowly again, “From the tests, we suspect he may have the trace of P. falciparum in his bloodstream which is a far more complicated case when it comes to malaria. We want to keep him here to monitor his progression over the next 24 hours before we give any certain diagnosis to his condition.”
Jungkook bites the inside of his cheek and looks at Seokjin’s unmoving hand in his own. “What do I do till then? Can I stay with him?”
“It may be best if you go home, refresh yourself for the time being and inform his workplace that he may not be able to make it to work for a while. You can come back this afternoon but visiting hours end at 9.”
Jungkook frowns slightly. “But I’m his husband,” he stresses. “Are visiting hours the only thing I get?”
The doctor shifts on his feet. “If you talk to the nurses when you come back later, they’ll see what can be done. Now, I have to tend to a few other patients but a nurse will be back shortly. You can ask any questions you may feel like when she’s here.”
Jungkook gives a slight bow to the leaving doctor and moves to brush Seokjin’s bangs off his forehead and place a lingering kiss to his temple where he was far cooler than he had been hours before. He leaves once the nurse confirms that Seokjin’s vitals are stable and only takes a quick shower before packing some clothes and grabbing a bite to eat on his way back to the hospital.
The nurses are kind enough to let Jungkook stay with Seokjin in the room they transferred him to and give him a pillow so that the chair isn’t too uncomfortable.
Jungkook sleeps through the night only because he’s holding Seokjin’s hand.
When he wakes up the next morning, it’s because Seokjin is squeezing his hand as he looks around the room and asks where they are.
A nurse comes in at that moment and smiles at them, asking how they slept. Jungkook stretches and goes back to holding Seokjin’s hand as the nurse continues to ask Seokjin a few questions.
After a few moments, Seokjin looks around again and turns to ask Jungkook where they are. The nurse and Jungkook exchange a look at this and Jungkook explains (again) that they’re in the hospital. The nurse asks Seokjin how he’s feeling and he smiles as he answers her.
She jots a note down quickly then excuses herself from the room, leaving Jungkook and Seokjin to themselves.
The doctor comes a moment later and he explains to Jungkook that Seokjin will need to have an MRI done and he should be back in less than an hour. In that time, Jungkook busies himself with fixing the bed sheets and fluffing the pillows in the way he knows Seokjin likes the most.
About forty minutes later, Seokjin is wheeled back in sleeping and the doctor thanks Jungkook for his patience, saying that Seokjin should wake up soon and the results will be done in a few hours.
When Seokjin comes through, he smiles at Jungkook and asks where they are. Jungkook holds his hand and kisses his knuckles before explaining that they’re still at the hospital. He asks if Seokjin is hungry to which he replies that he is very much so.
A nurse comes in to check on Seokjin again and after confirming that his vitals are relatively stable, Jungkook leaves to get a meal that he knows Seokjin will like.
Half an hour and a bag full of sandwiches later, Jungkook walks back into the hospital and goes straight to Seokjin’s room. He’s starting to get more concerned when he hears Seokjin ask again where he is before he enters the room. His voice is a bit more panicked than how he’d sounded before Jungkook left.
When Jungkook does step in, Seokjin grins at him and ushers him over. “Jungkook! Is that food? How did you know I was hungry?”
Jungkook kisses his forehead and sits down again, placing a sandwich on Seokjin’s lap. “I brought you your favorite. The Meat Special.”
Seokjin grins and dives right in. After a few bites, he turns to Jungkook and asks yet again where they are.
Jungkook is very concerned now. He tampers his urge to panic as over the course of the next hour Seokjin asks where they are. He could have probably cried when the doctor finally walks in, a look of serious concentration on his pale face.
“Is there something wrong?” Jungkook doesn’t want to ask, but he needs to know.
The doctor looks at him and Seokjin as he inhales before speaking. “The full range of test results have come in. after the MRI we needed a few other things done just to knock off any other possibilities and with his current behavior we have come to a final diagnosis.”
Jungkook feels like he’s hanging off the edge of his seat as if his own life is in the balance. He briefly registers the fact than Seokjin on the bed stops eating for a few moments before continuing again, appearing completely oblivious to what is going on.
“Mr. Jeon, we’ve concluded that your husband has encephalitis. This was most likely a result of the malaria present in his body that it caused inflammation in his brain. He exhibits a few of the symptoms such as the fever yesterday, a slightly high temperature today that isn’t too concerning, and his confusion that you’ve seen over a few times.”
Jungkook feels a sinking feeling in his stomach. “Is that all?”
The doctor looks at Seokjin again. “We fear he may possibly have amnesia but we can’t give a positive answer unless we run a few tests again.”
Jungkook sucks in a breath as he feels the floor move under his feet. He steadies himself before talking again, even though he already knows the answer to the question.
“Will he be okay?”
The doctor hesitates before answering, “We can’t say anything with certainty until the tests are done.”
“Thought so.” Jungkook sighed at himself. “How long will that take?”
“We estimate a week at most, once he’s willing to cooperate.”
Jungkook looks at Seokjin again, who looks back at him and grins around another sandwich. “What can I do in the meantime?”
“It’s really nothing too strenuous or consuming that he has to do, Mr. Jeon. We will, however, be transferring him to the psychiatric ward now and then so they can assess his mental state. Mr. Kim will be here most of the time for the rest of his medical tests. In the meantime, you can return to work if you’d like or whatever you’d usually do.”
Jungkook bites his lower lip, thinking deeply about his next course of action. Finally, he nods as he gets up. “I understand. Please take care of Jin for me, okay?”
The doctor nods. “Our staff will do their best to make sure he’s comfortable at all times. Do enjoy the rest of your day.”
“You too.” Jungkook bows as the doctor leaves the room and he turns back to Seokjin. With a kiss to his husband’s forehead, he places the rest of the sandwiches on the bed on Seokjin’s laps. “I’ll come every day, okay? Don’t worry. I’ll be here.”
Seokjin hums at the contact of Jungkook’s lips against his head. “Okay. But Jungkook… where are we?”
The week passes slowly and painfully for Jungkook. He visits Seokjin every day during his lunch hour to ask the doctors how he’s doing and how much longer he would have to stay.
Jungkook ends up spending Seokjin’s birthday that week in the hospital with his husband doing more tests than he probably ever did in a school setting.
When the week is over, Jungkook holds Seokjin’s hand in his and lets the elder play with his fingers as the doctor enters the room with a board in his hands.
“Thank you for your patience, Mr. Jeon. As estimated, we finally have a complete analysis of Mr. Kim’s illness and we have officially diagnosed him with having anterograde and retrograde amnesia.”
“What does that mean?” Jungkook clenches his fingers in Seokjin’s hand.
“He’s lost his ability to remember anything before this happened, nor will he be able to make new memories. The complete assessment shows him to have an average memory span of anywhere between two to five minutes before his brain technically resets and he has no idea what is occurring. You may have noticed that he often asks the same question repeatedly. That is one manifestation of anterograde amnesia that he can’t remember anything that was said after a while.” The doctor looks at Seokjin. “He appears to remember you, however, as in your presence he’s far less panicky.”
Jungkook pauses with a brief feeling of relief before he asks his next question, “Will he get better?”
The doctor fixes his coat and answers, “That isn’t something we can say factually. The chances of memory recovery are as low as 20 percent and even smaller still is the chance for normal brain function to return.”
Jungkook closes his eyes, the information overwhelming. “Okay. Is there anything else I can do?”
“Just… be patient with him. Your husband may never be the same person he was before and it’s easy to lose sight of that.”
Jungkook nods. He doubts that will ever happen but he understands where the doctor is coming from. “And are there any more tests he’ll need to do?”
The doctor shook his head. “He’s completed his full course of prescribed medicine for all the symptoms he had and has made a full recovery from his malaria bout and encephalitis. We would require future checkups just to ensure nothing’s changed for the worst in his health. His memory isn’t something that can be treated so simply but he is cleared to be discharged in a few hours. I’ll go ahead and get you the relevant documents.”
Jungkook stands to bow to the doctor as he leaves the room and he smiles at Seokjin. “Did you hear that? You’re finally coming home again.”
Jungkook holds Seokjin’s hand with one of his to walk him to the car and holds the bag of their things in the other. He drops the bag to fish around for his keys in his pocket and opens the trunk to place the bag inside before guiding Seokjin into the passenger’s side and making his way to the driver’s seat.
He takes a moment before starting up the vehicle to look at Seokjin. The older male is slightly thinner and he looks around the car interior as if it’s the first time he’s ever seen it. Something pangs in Jungkook’s heart as he remembers the doctor’s words from earlier.
“Jin.”
“Yeah?” Seokjin turns to look at Jungkook.
“Where are we?”
Seokjin shrugs. “Where?”
“At the hospital.”
“Oh.”
Jungkook lets a few moments pass. “Jin.”
“Yeah?”
“Where are we?”
Seokjin looks around. “Where?”
Jungkook sighs, “At the hospital. Do you know why?”
“Why?”
“You needed a checkup.”
Seokjin blinks at this. “Am I okay?”
“Do you remember where you were?”
He frowns. “Where was I?”
Jungkook breathes out, “We just came from the hospital.”
Seokjin hums at this and Jungkook starts the car.
“Jin.”
“Yeah?”
“… Who am I?”
Seokjin smiles. “You’re my Jungkookie.”
As Jungkook pulls out of the parking lot, he smiles at Seokjin. They have this. They’ll be okay. Because Jungkook loves Seokjin and that’s the most important thing.
~
Life doesn’t get easier from there, of course.
But it wasn’t all that bad either until things start changing around them. Seokjin was no longer mentally fit to work which meant they would be relying on Jungkook’s salary.
Jungkook doesn’t mind that much. He was making a little more anyway and they had money saved that would keep them in case of an emergency.
Jungkook supposes they start to feel the effects of Seokjin’s amnesia when their friends come over for a visit a few days after Seokjin’s discharge from the hospital and Jimin leaves their apartment just barely fighting back tears that one of his closest friends can’t even remember his name. Jungkook figures that’s the end of that when rather than visiting for Christmas, they send a text and say their gifts should reach before the new year. It’s sad but Jungkook doesn’t dwell on it.
He remembers the time Seokjin’s mother came to visit, she sobbed over her son. Seokjin cried with her for a while, then wiped his eyes and asked who she was.
That only made her cry harder. She tried holding Seokjin to look at him properly, but he raised his shoulders after a few moments and started calling for Jungkook.
When Seokjin’s mother left that day, Jungkook can vividly remember the look she gave him, that if glares could kill he’d surely have been left for dead by the doorway of their apartment. He knows that even though he may be son-in-law by name, Seokjin’s mother most likely blamed Jungkook for what happened to her son even if she wouldn’t say it to his face.
Jungkook doesn’t need her to though; all he can do is blame himself whenever Seokjin’s voice carries through the apartment as he asks something like where’s the bathroom or where is the kitchen.
He blames himself when some nights he wakes up to the sound of Seokjin crying in bed next to him. And even when he pulls Seokjin into his arms only to know he would ask a few moments later why he’s crying, he can feel his self-hatred growing as his love grows for the man he failed to protect forever.
He doesn’t blame Seokjin’s mother when she cuts the ties between them and Seokjin’s side of the family. They became strangers to Seokjin anyway.
Jungkook is grateful that he at least can turn to his own family. At least, until they start dropping suggestions like getting a divorce or letting a house take care of Seokjin since he was already forty and Jungkook hadn’t even yet hit thirty-six. They tried explaining to him that he was still in his prime and it wasn’t fair that he be burdened at such a young age with that kind of responsibility.
Jungkook cuts ties with them himself.
They don’t know about the times Seokjin has looked at him with sad eyes like he wants to say something but can't remember what he wants to express.
They don’t know about the time – or maybe they do? – that Seokjin, when Jungkook got home, gave him a thick wad of papers.
Jungkook read the bold font on the top of the page that said “Divorce” clearly. Without a word he took the papers into their room and ripped them up to dump them in the small trash can near the bed.
A few minutes later, Seokjin walked into the room and asked Jungkook why he was crying so much.
Now that they’re practically estranged from friends and family, Jungkook hires a caregiver for Seokjin to take care of him for the few hours that Jungkook has to be at work.
They were accustomed to meeting up for lunch during their respective breaks, but Jungkook is satisfied to call Seokjin and speak to him for a few moments.
The first time Jungkook had called, Seokjin answered when the caregiver passed the phone to him and asked, “Hello? Who’s this?”
“It’s Jungkook.”
“Ah, Jungkook! How are you?”
“I’m fine,” Jungkook smiled, “I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Is everything okay?”
“Yes, everything’s alright.”
“I’ll be home later-”
“Hello?” Seokjin interrupted, “Who’s this?”
Jungkook blinked, at a loss for words. “Jin, it’s me… Jungkook.”
“Ah, Jungkook! How are you?”
Jungkook sucked in a breath. He’d just answered that question a minute ago, yet Seokjin spoke like this was the first time they were talking over the phone. In his mind, it probably is, Jungkook thought.
His brief moments of quiet thinking resulted in Seokjin asking down the line again, “Hello? Who’s this?” and before Jungkook could answer again, the call had disconnected.
He now keeps his phone calls to less than a few minutes at a time so that Seokjin can engage in a conversation with him, no matter how brief it is. Jungkook always ends the call by telling Seokjin that he loves him, even though he knows that the older male will forget in a few moments.
But that’s okay. Because Jungkook loves Seokjin enough to know that Seokjin loves him too, even if he can’t say it.
~
News spreads like fire at workplaces and even though Jungkook’s boss is sworn to secrecy concerning why Jungkook missed so many days of work, the same does not apply when a workmate has a friend who knows someone that’s acquainted with that guy from Accounting in Seokjin's former job who happened to be in the staff lounge at the same time that the Human Resource Department was discussing what to do with Seokjin’s case.
Jungkook hears a million and two different variations to the story that he loses count and doesn’t bother to correct them when it didn’t matter to him what they thought anyway.
Of course, he’s done his research about the condition and isn’t surprised when someone starts saying that Seokjin’s illness comes about because he has herpes.
What he is surprised about is how interested everyone seems in his personal affairs to go as far as discussing it like the latest celebrity gossip on their breaks in the staff lounges and around the building.
When one male coworker in particular starts making obvious passes at Jungkook, he very blatantly shows his lack of interest. It takes all of Jungkook’s self-control to keep his fist at his side rather than pound it into the man’s face repeatedly.
He once makes a jab at Jungkook’s sexual life when they’re in the coffee room one day. He says Jungkook looks weary and less active these days and it must be because of the lack of bedroom activity. He mentions that he doesn’t believe Jungkook’s husband has herpes since there are so many causes of the illness that it could be anything.
Jungkook inhales sharply.
The last time Seokjin and Jungkook had had sex, Jungkook had lost himself in the rhythm of having his husband’s legs wrapped around his waist as he thrust into Seokjin in euphoric pleasure. No matter how many times they’d done it in the past, Jungkook loves Seokjin so much that each time they had sex felt like a new experience with Seokjin.
Jungkook felt the change in the atmosphere so quickly that his eyes snapped open as he looked at Seokjin under him. Seokjin’s legs had untangled from his waist slightly and he was looking up at Jungkook with wide eyes. It didn’t bode well with Jungkook that Seokjin’s ass took that moment to squeeze his cock as if getting used to the foreign intrusion.
Jungkook knew his memory has reset and he groaned as he started to slide out of Seokjin’s hole, wanting to get off his husband.
“No, you can… you can continue.” Seokjin spoke up to Jungkook quietly but made no move to stop him.
“It’s okay.” Jungkook cast a smile at Seokjin when he finally reached the edge of the bed so he could look at the older male. It didn’t escape his attention the way Seokjin’s body seemed to visibly relax when Jungkook was away from him.
Jungkook angled his body in such a way away from Seokjin so that the other male wouldn’t see how painfully hard he still was. He grabbed one of the pillows off the bed to cover his erection and got up.
“I’ll be on the couch if you need anything, okay?”
Seokjin nodded as Jungkook left. Jungkook finished himself off alone and waited a few more minutes before going back to the room for his clothes and a blanket.
Seokjin had already fallen asleep.
When Jungkook got everything he needed, he went back to the couch and watched some television to keep himself awake just in case Seokjin did need him.
When he woke up, Seokjin was standing above him asking why he fell asleep on the couch.
That was four months ago.
Back in the present, Jungkook glares at his work colleague. “I don’t see how that’s any of your concern.” He brushes past the other man and at the door leading out of the small room, he stops and turns around. “But what if he does have herpes? Maybe I got it from him?” he shrugs, “Shame you won’t know, right? I’m not that willing to share.” Jungkook leaves the room on that note.
A few days later when Jungkook reaches home, the caregiver takes him aside and alerts him to the fact that someone sent Seokjin a text during the day that threatens him to leave Jungkook or the person will teach him a lesson.
She mentions that Seokjin had been so distraught that he ran to the room crying, only to re-emerge a few moments later asking why there were tears on his face.
Jungkook looks at the man currently seated by the windowsill and looking out at the streets below. He feels a pang in his heart as he wonders if Seokjin had ever received those kinds of threats before and simply deleted them. The tone of the message heavily implies that this isn’t the first time it’s happened.
Not for the first time, Jungkook wonders what Seokjin used to have on his mind before that he no longer has to worry about. It hurts him that even when his husband can’t keep up with a conversation for more than minutes at a time, he still understands what it is to feel a fear and pain that Jungkook can’t take away.
Jungkook thanks the caregiver as he asks her to remain just a while longer so he could bring the evidence to the police to protect Seokjin in his most vulnerable state.
He quits work that same evening.
From police interference, Seokjin becomes a local celebrity of sorts as almost a week later there’s a knock on their front door and Jungkook comes face to face with cameras and a small crew saying they would like to interview Seokjin’s life as the man with no memory.
Jungkook is hesitant, of course, but he agrees to it because he hopes that one day, when Seokjin gets his memory back, they’ll be able to look back on all these hard moments and be proud of coming through the hardest storm of their lives.
He thinks it’s a good call now that he can properly explain that Seokjin’s memory loss occurs in intervals rather than having no memory at all. He talks a little about his own studies on the forms of amnesia and what can help them. When they thank him for his informative talk, he gets off the couch as they request.
Jungkook starts rethinking his choice, however, when they start asking questions and interviewing Seokjin, only for him to turn around every two minutes or so and ask why are there cameras around him.
Jungkook wants to stop them and ask them to leave, but they tell him that it’s really just so they can time Seokjin’s memory before it resets. It doesn’t make him any less on edge though, and he feels bad seeing his husband with a confused look on his face every few moments. It’s as though he’s watching Seokjin lose the little pride he can’t even remember to have.
It’s only briefly amusing when Seokjin forgets that there’s a microphone attached to his shirt as he grabs it to fan his body for some air. The audio man next to Jungkook curses a little as he lets the others know they have to readjust the mic if they want to hear Seokjin for the rest of the film.
Jungkook leaves the room for a drink for Seokjin in the kitchen and when he returns, his gaze rests on a Seokjin who looks back at him with a huge grin on his face, the mic incident now being rectified. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Jungkook moves towards the settee where Seokjin is seated and hands him the drink as he kisses Seokjin’s forehead.
He looks at the person who was asking Seokjin questions as he directs his statement to her. “Jin has been through a lot. Don’t you find it a bit too personal to be asking some of the questions you are?”
The girl opens and shuts her mouth a few times before stammering out a response. “It’s just… what’s on script…”
Jungkook clicks his tongue, “There’s something that’s called being a bit too much. Even as someone who has lost his ability to recall memories or make new ones, that doesn’t mean that Jin doesn’t have pride. How would you like it if someone had to do this to your relative or something?”
The girl clasps her hands in her lap and avoids Jungkook’s gaze.
“See? You guys think it’s as easy walking in here, treating my husband like some psychology project, and then go about your merry way, no longer needing to care about what goes on in his life. On top of that, you expect him to actually tell you what he does daily. Does that make sense? Does it?”
At his prodding, the girl shakes her head.
Jungkook leans back on the settee. “Exactly. So now, rather than listen to Jin talk about something he doesn’t know, I’ll talk about his life from my point of view since that’s the best I can give you right now.” He takes in a short breath of air before beginning, “Each day Jin proves to me why he’s the strongest person I’ve ever met.” Jungkook takes Seokjin’s hand in his to entwine their fingers. “Not many people after being through something like this could say they see much point in living. I’ve seen Jin relearn lots of things with his subconscious memory. While in the first month or so of this he couldn’t as much as remember where the bathroom was, right now he can walk around the apartment on his own and get what he needs without much help from the caretaker.”
Jungkook looks at Seokjin now as he continues. “I can’t say this has been the best experience for me to find out about the husband I married over a decade ago, but I’m grateful for the things it’s taught me to appreciate him more. When I think I’ve figured him out, he finds more ways to amaze me and I find myself falling in love a bit deeper every single time.”
He turns back to the woman. “To say that Jin is going through this alone is a gross understatement. Sure, none of us can feel what he feels, but it isn’t like he lives on a solitary island. His former workplace lost one of their best employees, his friends lost someone they cared for, his mother lost a son who would visit every month, and I lost…” he exhales, “I lost a person who knew me inside and out, and shared some of the best experiences of my life with me.”
She mutters just loud enough that Jungkook can hear, “You speak like he’s dead or something.”
Jungkook shakes his head. “I’m not speaking of him as a dead person. I’m speaking of the memories he has that are dead to him. He’s old – he’d hit me if he heard me say that – which means he has a lot of memories that would form a part of who he is today. He’s still Jin, but without remembering anything, what does that mean to him?”
The room is silent after that, Jungkook’s speech still lingering in the air until the interviewer clears her throat.
“Well, that was… Thank you for your insight on the situation, Mr. Jeon.” She looks at the papers in her lap quickly, embarrassed that she lost her trail of the conversation. “In light of all what you’ve said, we’ve come to the understanding that this current memory loss is as a result of a trip that you two took to celebrate your tenth-anniversary several months ago. Do you sometimes regret that day?”
Somewhere behind the cameras, a man hisses that she went too far with that question.
Jungkook hears his blood rushing through his ears as his mind is transported through the past seven months of living with Seokjin while his memories are gone. He can feel small droplets of sweat starting to form on his palms as he bites his bottom lip.
Finally exhaling, Jungkook looks at her. “If it were easy for me to say I only sometimes think about that day, then I would say that. But saying something like that would be the biggest lie I would ever tell in life, so no. I don’t regret it some days. If I could turn back time I’d make reservations at our favorite restaurant, rent a recently premiered movie, and then we’d probably spend the night here making out on this very couch rather than doing this interview today. For the sake of how much Jin may be suffering right now, I regret it every day.” He turns to Seokjin again. “I’m sorry Jin. I’m so sorry.”
When the team has packed up and leave after shaking Jungkook’s hand and thanking him for accommodating them, Jungkook makes his way back over to the settee when Seokjin is still sitting.
Rather than join him though, Jungkook sits on the floor by Seokjin’s feet and places his head on Seokjin’s knees. They stay like that for a while until Jungkook speaks up. “Jin.” He turns his head to look at Seokjin’s face.
“Yeah?”
“Who am I?”
Seokjin smiles at him as he places his index fingers over Jungkook’s eyes. “You’re my Jungkookie.”
And even though Jungkook can’t see Seokjin right now, he smiles brightly. He hopes that one day they really can look at the video when Seokjin regains his memories. It may be embarrassing then when that day comes, but that’s okay. Because Jungkook loves Seokjin enough that he’s not afraid to declare his feelings for the older male so that the whole world will know.
~
A few months have passed since the video was made public. Jungkook and Seokjin received a lot of positive encouragement from people who said they were moved to tears by the whole thing and wish only the best for the couple.
A few persons felt it necessary to let their opinions be known that this misfortune occurred as punishment for being gay and that this will happen to anyone else who continued in that way.
Jungkook bitter laughed when he read that and mentally thanked all the people in the comments who called those people out for their homophobia.
Since then Jungkook was able to get a new job and come home at a reasonable time so that he could share dinner with Seokjin and later talk about his day even though he knows Seokjin won’t be able to keep up with the conversation.
Seokjin sits on the couch and Jungkook lies down next to him so that his head is in Seokjin’s lap as he finds himself getting lost in the feeling of Seokjin’s fingers carding through his hair.
“Today was a good day at work.” Jungkook closes his eyes at the calming sensation of Seokjin’s movements.
“Really?”
“Yes. I was able to get so much done that there won’t be a lot of papers on my desk in the morning.”
“That’s good. You’ve been working hard, you deserve the rest.”
“How about you? I feel I haven’t been speaking to you a lot, Jin.” He turns around on the couch so that he can face Seokjin from his position on his lap as the older still continues to play with Jungkook’s hair.
Seokjin shrugs and gives Jungkook a soft smile. “It’s the same old. Can’t remember half of it anyway.” He lifts up his hand to show light pen marks covering it. “I have to write things down if they’re important so that I won’t forget them. I mean, I do forget, but it gives me somewhere to start.”
Jungkook holds Seokjin’s hand to get a better look at the writings. They are scribbles about where he placed certain things around the apartment. There’s also a large print on the center of his forearm that reads “Remember.” It isn’t in Seokjin’s handwriting, however, so Jungkook decides to ask as he points to it. “What’s this about?”
Seokjin looks at his own arm in confusion, his hand stopping in Jungkook’s hair. “Honestly, I don’t really know…” he frowns, “Doesn’t make much sense telling me to remember without telling me what to remember.”
Jungkook agrees with this and wordlessly brings Seokjin’s hand back towards him as the older male continues his administrations. He looks at the other writings on Seokjin’s arm and then comments, “Your handwriting has always been beautiful.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” Jungkook smiles fondly. “One time I had tried to convince you to give me a tattoo in your handwriting.”
“Did it work?”
“You’re stubborn as hell, Jin. The answer was always no.” He rolls his eyes and Seokjin laughs.
“I wish I could remember…”
The conversation doesn’t continue after that.
They remain in comfortable silence until Seokjin taps Jungkook’s shoulder to ask him to ease up a little so that he can go to the kitchen for a drink.
Jungkook is still lying down on the couch when he wonders what would happen if he brings up the fact that it’s his birthday to Seokjin, knowing the older male would forget it anyway.
He has noticed that Seokjin’s ability to retain a memory has gotten better in small bits; rather than the one and two-minute intervals that Seokjin would experience during the first few months after the diagnosis, he could now keep up with a conversation for a maximum of nearly five whole minutes. To anyone else, it may seem sad, but Jungkook saw the improvement as the chance for Seokjin to make at least a ninety percent recovery.
Even the doctor had been pleasantly surprised with the turnaround in Seokjin’s mental condition when they had gone for a checkup a few weeks prior.
Jungkook bites his bottom lip as he thinks. Seokjin may eventually forget this ever happened, but even if only for a few moments, he wants to spend it with the only person who makes him truly happy.
Fixed in his resolve to bring it up when Seokjin comes back, Jungkook straightens himself on the couch when he hears Seokjin’s bare feet padding back to the living room. As he opens his mouth to speak though, his jaw drops and any words he planned to say are long gone.
Seokjin is standing in the doorway of the kitchen with a cake in his hands. There’s a look of confusion on his face as he alternates glances at the cake and Jungkook, “Why didn’t you say it was your birthday?”
You wouldn’t have remembered. Jungkook gets up from the couch and walks over to where Seokjin is standing, looking a bit hurt.
“You should have told me.”
Jungkook rubs his arm. “I was going to. I swear.”
Seokjin sighs, “Let’s cut this quickly, hm?” He hands the cake to Jungkook as he walks to their bedroom quickly and calls out, “I’ll be right back!”
Jungkook smiles to himself as he walks back into the kitchen with the cake. He’s touched that the caretaker got the cake for him and left the note so that Seokjin could give it to him personally. He chuckles to himself as he remembers the reminder on Seokjin’s arm, her way of probably trying to trigger a memory without selling out the secret.
When Seokjin returns, there’s a small book and pen in his hands as he sits at the kitchen table. “I have to write down everything so that when I forget, I’ll still be able to keep track of it.” He looks at Jungkook. “Like a diary.”
Jungkook nods as he moves to stand behind Seokjin’s back and read some of his previous entries. Quite a few of them are of Seokjin describing events that took place while others are expressing anger at being unable to recall the previous event written down. A quick skim through shows his name coming up quite a lot, as well as the caretaker’s name.
Seokjin flips to a new page in the book and writes down the date and the entry: “Today is Jungkook’s birthday. We have cake. I hope it tastes good.”
Jungkook smiles as he kisses the back of Seokjin’s head and goes back to cutting the cake. It’s a beautiful round red velvet cake with buttercream icing lacing the sides of the cake. A quick glance up has him grinning at the look of pure want that’s evident of Seokjin’s face.
He gives the first slice to Seokjin who waits until he cuts his own so they can dig in together.
The moan Seokjin makes around his mouthful is sinful and Jungkook revels in the sound. He knows the moment is gone, however, when Seokjin reopens his eyes and blinks at Jungkook, asking why they’re eating cake.
Jungkook points at Seokjin’s open book, grateful for the records.
Seokjin reads and then stands up to sing Happy Birthday to Jungkook, writing down the action so that he doesn’t forget.
Jungkook’s heart swells and he grins widely at Seokjin who stops singing to smile back at Jungkook.
Seokjin clears his throat and acts in a way that makes Jungkook realize that he has something he wants to ask.
“What is it?” Jungkook moves closer to Seokjin to cup his elbow in a soft hold. “Talk to me, Jin.”
Seokjin looks away from Jungkook. “It’s just… I realize I don’t have anything written down about us kissing.” He plays with the gold band on his left ring finger. “We’re married, right? I want… Can I… Can I kiss you?”
Jungkook fights the sudden knot in his stomach. He thinks if he has to compare this moment to anything, it would have to be their wedding day just after they said their vows and were told they could kiss each other. Even though that day was almost 11 years ago, it feels like yesterday to Jungkook, and those butterflies have reappeared as he tilts Seokjin’s face up with his hand under the elder’s chin.
When Seokjin is finally looking at him eye to eye, Jungkook nods.
They inch closer together slowly until Seokjin closes the gap between them and places a soft kiss against Jungkook’s lips. It doesn’t take much longer before Jungkook angles his face better so that they deepen the kiss, eliciting a sound from Jungkook’s throat as he pulls Seokjin that much closer by his waist. Seokjin places his hands on Jungkook’s shoulders and then moves one to tangle in the soft hair at Jungkook’s nape.
Before it can progress any farther, Seokjin pulls away and Jungkook follows him with a sad whine until he opens his eyes.
Seokjin smiles as he untangles himself from Jungkook’s hold, and Jungkook would think he was unaffected from that if he didn’t notice the slight shake in Seokjin’s legs and his heaving chest as he makes his way over to the kitchen table where his book is.
Jungkook walks to meet him at the table and looks at what Seokjin is quickly writing.
“Today is Jungkook’s birthday. The cake is very good but tasting it from Jungkook’s mouth makes it taste better. I kissed him. I can’t remember doing it in the past, but I think I missed kissing him. I want to kiss him again. Give him many kisses. To the future me, Jungkook’s kisses are the best right now. Since you’ll forget what they’re like, always kiss him so that you’ll remember.”
Jungkook smiles at the entry in Seokjin’s book. He’s touched, and he shares the same sentiments when it comes to kissing Seokjin. Which is why he’s even more elated when Seokjin closes the book to look at him with a coquettish gaze.
“So… about where we left off…”
Jungkook doesn’t need to be told twice as he turns Seokjin around so that his back is against the table and effectively traps him there. Seokjin easily falls into the rhythm of it and holds Jungkook’s face to bring it down to his.
Jungkook loves Seokjin so much that he’s willing to spend the rest of his life like this, in his husband’s arms pressing sweet kisses against each other’s lips and faces, not needing to care about the rest of the world.
He’s had thirty-five birthdays so far, but he thinks they pale in comparison to the way he’s spending his thirty-sixth with the one person who has his heart.
They’ll be okay. If Jungkook ever had a doubt in his mind before about that, it’s completely gone at this moment.
~
(Two months later)
When Jungkook is woken up by Seokjin, it’s still dark. He’d been dreaming that he and Seokjin were at a nearby resort – the one they visited for their five year anniversary while they were still very much in the honeymoon phase – and he’d been blowing bubbles as Seokjin tried to pop as many as he could.
He’d been shaken awake just as Seokjin popped a low flying bubble on his lips.
“What is it, Jin?” Jungkook couldn’t shake the sleep from his voice as he watches the other man changing his clothes. “It’s not even daylight out, what-” He feels a bit more awake as he checks the date and time on his phone. “Shit. Okay. Okay, we still have time.”
Jungkook throws the sheets off his lower body and then runs around the room to get a shirt and pant. He and Seokjin are dressed in record time then they ride the elevator down to the garage of the building.
Where they’re going is about a thirty-minute drive which is a tradition they fulfill every year. Jungkook goes as fast as he can without trying to do anything that may lead to an accident because he wants Seokjin to be fully aware of this moment.
The radio is on only as background noise as they both have their eyes out on the road. Jungkook has his left hand on the wheel and his right hand in the window, but he changes his hand placement when he realizes that Seokjin’s leg is tapping away next to him in the passenger’s seat.
He places his hand on Seokjin’s leg and gives it a squeeze, words not needed in this moment.
Seokjin covers Jungkook’s hand with his own and keeps it there for the duration of the ride.
When they finally get out, it’s still dark enough to offer them relief as they exit the car and move to sit in the open trunk, hands intertwined.
They’re in an area overlooking a cliff and the sea to give them a perfect view of the sunrise. They’ve come here every year for the past fifteen years and this isn’t something they would skip after so long.
It makes Jungkook emotional to think that Seokjin was the one to wake him up so they could come here.
At the first rays of sunlight, Jungkook hears Seokjin inhale deeply next to him. When he turns to look at the older male, he sees that Seokjin is already smiling at him.
“You know,” Seokjin starts as he turns back to watch the rising sun again, “I think that rather than being an actual memory, my mind recalls this as something necessary.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’ve done this so many times I woke up on autopilot this morning and just knew we had to get ready.” Seokjin chuckles. “I was so afraid that we’d get so close and I’d forget it all.”
“Where’s your book?”
Seokjin shook his head. “I forgot it. We left with nothing but the clothes on our back, you know.”
“How do you feel?” Jungkook appreciates the way the first rays of sunlight cast a golden shade on Seokjin’s face, highlighting his beauty in a way that makes Jungkook’s breath catch in his throat.
Seokjin shrugs. “I feel normal. But I can’t feel when it’s going to happen. You know that.”
Jungkook does know, but he still hopes there’s some kind of improvement in Seokjin’s case. The older male has slowly been getting better, his periods of alertness far longer than before. He feels like he’s dreaming right now but he’s hoping Seokjin doesn’t decide to pinch him awake like he used to. This would make it more than half an hour and Seokjin hasn’t shown any signs of memory reset.
In fact, the look on Seokjin’s face more looks like one that’s been waiting for this for a while now. Seokjin is no longer facing Jungkook and he turns as well to watch the sunrise in comfortable silence.
Seokjin shifts ever so slightly so that he’s closer to Jungkook and rests his head on the younger man’s shoulder. Jungkook lifts his arm to drape it around Seokjin’s waist and lets him snuggle in a bit deeper into the crook of Jungkook’s neck. Seokjin intertwines their fingers and pulls Jungkook’s hand closer to him.
It’s a picture perfect moment that has Jungkook relaxing in the whole feel of it and if they weren’t here to watch the sunrise, he would have easily fallen asleep.
The slight morning chill is starting to disappear with the sun getting farther up in the sky, but weather still has the touches of cold on its tail, signaling the nearing of the winter season.
Seokjin’s voice brings Jungkook out of his reveries but he can’t turn to watch the other speak because of their positions.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Jungkook frowns slightly.
“It must have been hard on you all this time, wasn’t it? And even till now, that it’s too easy for me to forget the important every day little things that you do for me. When I see some of my entries that say things like you brought home flowers or chocolate or you gave me a really nice kiss, I sometimes feel so upset that I can’t remember those things and I can’t imagine how much it must take from you to have to deal with me.”
Jungkook registers the feeling of something hot and wet touch his neck and then he feels the movements as Seokjin reaches up to harshly wipe his own eyes. He wants to stop Seokjin, but he knows better than to stop a moment like this, a tradition in which they pour out whatever they’re thinking where no one else can interrupt the bubble of their making.
He also doesn’t stop Seokjin because he’s a little stunned. If Seokjin doesn’t have his book on him, how is he able to recall the entries that he made? Jungkook can’t remember Seokjin having opened the book before they left either.
“I really hope that at least one day, before we get old and gray or maybe even at that time, I’ll be able to get well enough that I can remember every moment we spend with clarity. Until then, I’m grateful for everything you’ve done, and I’m most grateful for you, that even though I can’t remember anyone else’s name or even their face, you’ve been my rock for as long as I can’t even remember and I know you were there for me before then too.”
Jungkook gives a small snort at Seokjin’s ability to joke about his memory loss like that but says nothing still. He’s decided he won’t even bring it up for the fear that he’ll jinx this moment.
Seokjin pauses for a moment before releasing a soft exhale. “I hope that, even if it means I have to lose every other memory I shared with any other person in the world, I’ll continue to remember this moment with you forever.” He shifts around so that he’s facing Jungkook with one leg is crossed over the other as his foot hangs outside of the trunk. Their hands are still intertwined but in front of Seokjin rather than around him. He brings their hands into his laps and leans forward slightly.
Jungkook looks at Seokjin’s face carefully. The sunrise, now merely a background prop to the moment, is already in the sky. This illuminates the older male’s face in a way that Jungkook can see his eyes still slightly tinged red and the leftover tear marks on his cheeks. Even in a moment like this, Seokjin is breathtaking.
Jungkook uses his thumb to slowly trace and wipe away the tear streak from one side of Seokjin’s face but reacts quickly enough to cup Seokjin’s chin before he can look down and wipe his face again. He catches the slight intake of breath Seokjin takes at his action, and only lets go of his chin to brush the pad of his thumb along Seokjin’s thick bottom lip.
His eyes follow the slow movement and the way Seokjin’s lips bounce back once his thumb swipes past it. When Jungkook looks back up to Seokjin’s eyes, the elder is still looking at him, eyes so full of emotion that the feeling overwhelms him and causes his heart to squeeze affectionately.
He figures he’s teased himself enough as he moves his hand to the back of Seokjin’s neck to pull him in closer. Jungkook isn’t sure who makes the soft groan when their lips finally touch but he would not be surprised to find out that it was him. Seokjin’s free hand moves to grab a fistful of Jungkook’s shirt and pull him a bit closer.
The kiss is soft and sweet with a tinge of need laced in, and Jungkook hopes Seokjin can feel the emotion as strongly as he can feel it from Seokjin’s lips.
And Jungkook knows. He knows that it isn’t hard at all for Seokjin to forget everything that’s happened over the course of the morning no matter how much he wants to save the memory. But that’s okay when he also knows that it doesn’t bother him as much as it did a year ago, and all that means is that he’ll have to give Seokjin the experiences to make great memories and find ways for him to remember them. Yet he’s more than willing to go any extra mile needed to do so, and for Seokjin, it’s more than okay.
Because Jungkook has loved Seokjin for years, as long as he can remember, and he will continue to love Seokjin for years, to an eternity and even beyond that.
When they break the kiss, Seokjin’s eyes are still closed as he presses his forehead against Jungkook’s. Jungkook takes the time to appreciate the way Seokjin’s eyelashes flutter softly against his cheeks down to the contour of Seokjin’s nose and down to Seokjin’s slightly parted full lips. His heart does another affectionate squeeze at the thought that he gets to live out the rest of his life next to the man who’s given him more than enough reason to outlive the average life expectancy if he’ll be there with him.
When Jungkook looks back up at Seokjin’s eyes, they’re open and crinkled at the sides in that way they do when Seokjin is happy.
The moment feels so right when Seokjin pulls back a little that Jungkook blurts out “I love you.” His own eyes widen at the confession. Even though he said the words over the phone during his lunch breaks, and to Seokjin’s sleeping figure each night in bed, this was the first time in a long time that he said it to the older man’s face.
“I mean,” Jungkook coughs as he straightens up and puts a small distance between him and Seokjin, “I won’t make this too long, so I’ll say the important things. Jin, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’m grateful every day that I had the chance to meet you. I would move mountains if it meant that I could be with you. No matter how much time has passed, seeing you instantly makes my day so much better. That's a feeling I never want to see disappear. Thank you for marrying me, being there for me, being a part of me. I truly do love you.” He doesn’t look at Seokjin in the face.
Seokjin smiles as he lets go of Jungkook’s shirt to hold his chin instead and pull him in for another kiss. “I love you too. Happy anniversary, my Jungkookie.”