Chapter Text
A Handy Guide of Tips And Tricks For Witches, Sorceresses, And Others Attempting To Make A Man Fall Madly In Love With Them Through The Use of Magic:
Rule Number One:
Make sure your intended lover isn't in love with anyone else. This is the oldest mistake in the book, because one smooch from their True Love will ruin everything. If they happen to be blazing scarlet for a third party, it is advised that you either dispose of your rival or pick a new victim.
Rule Number Two:
If you did your wand-work right, you should be prepared to accept every sort of advance from your bewitched beloved sooner rather than later. This includes sleeping with him. It is thusly advised that you pick a victim you find attractive. Or close your eyes and think very hard of your real love interest while making the appropriate noises. Unpleasant, yes, but we all know you'll do anything for a good plan.
Rule Number Three:
Do your homework. Make sure your alias is flawless. Also, study your victim beforehand. Verify that he has no magical amulets, spells of protection, or other annoying secrets that might deliver an unpleasant surprise.
Rule Number Four:
Check for guardian angels. It is unlikely—but still possible—that this issue should come up in the literal sense, but guardian angels can come in all shapes and disguises. Brownies, dragons, golems, wizards, and of course fairy godmothers. Anyone with enough knowledge and power to recognize what you're doing and put a stop to it should be avoided. In cases like these it's best to give up on your victim altogether.
Rule Number Five:
Have some patience, you crazy caterpillars. Men can be sluggish and incredibly stupid in matters of the heart. In order to avoid arousing suspicion, take it slow and steady. If you have care and take time while casting your net, it will be twice as strong, and you will soon find you have an obedient lump of man meat on a leash ready to fulfill your every whim and fancy. Enjoy.
(A final note: Don't do anything stupid.)
---o---
Arthur Pendragon, wrapped in a blanket and sitting on the court physician's patent-reserved bed, stared with horror and disgust at the pamphlet found in their most recent Honored Guest's chambers. This Honored Guest was just the latest in a string of clingy women who tried to ensnare him with their feminine wiles. 'They just keep coming, don’t they?' Merlin thought wearily as Arthur did his best to breath in a manner that conveyed he was completely calm and in control. 'And they're not going to stop until he's happily married with several children. Maybe not even then.'
"Lady Winifred has fled," Uther informed all present, which included the prince, Gaius, and of course Merlin. "We have the entire guard out searching for her, but she may have already slipped beyond our reach. This paper was found in her chambers, along with a number of similarly… distressing, items." Arthur swallowed, paper shaking in his hands. He was pale, shivering, dizzy, and running a fever, but all in all doing quite well considering how severe the magical whiplash could have been.
"What kind of distressing items?" he croaked, looking almost too scared to ask.
"...That is of little consequence," Uther said dismissively. "The rest of her possessions are to be burned. They have been tainted by witchcraft." 'Lets see… that would be the love diary, the small shrine, the hoard of discarded bits and bobs Arthur owned, which included his dirty underwear… Yeah, it's probably best he doesn’t find out.' Merlin didn’t know whether to pity Arthur or laugh at him. The prat almost deserved it.
Arthur mumbled something through chattering teeth, and Uther had to ask him to repeat himself twice before they could make it out. "I said, how did you break the spell?"
There was a hesitant quiet in which Merlin shuffled his feet, Gaius frowned at him, and Uther glared at nothing in particular. "…We still don’t know," Uther replied. "Your servant dragged you unconscious through the front gates, and when you woke up you were perfectly fine."
"…Huh." Arthur gave said servant a funny look. "Merlin."
"Hmm?"
"Anything you'd like to tell us?" It was almost sad, how easy bullshitting his way through falsities had become. And Arthur dared accuse him of being a bad liar.
"No, not particularly my Lord. I found Lady Winifred in a fit of hysterics, screaming about how, 'It was supposed to work.' I guess she meant the spell. You were unconscious at that point, so I kind of just… Walked up and dragged you off."
"Really."
"Yes. She seemed almost keen to let you go once her spell failed."
"Yes, but why!?" Arthur slapped the pamphlet on the sheets next to him. "That still doesn’t explain how the spell was broken!"
"Does it really matter Arthur?" Uther asked. "You've returned to your senses now, and the enchantress would have to be incredibly foolish to make another attempt."
"Because this one had a plan!" Arthur stabbed his finger at the pamphlet, and it crinkled pitifully beneath his iron fury. "I mean, look at the notes on this thing! Lady Winifred must have studied it religiously, even if it is absolutely preposterous! But these instructions have made all the difference in terms of success when you compare her attempt to the previous ones. So where did she go wrong?!"
Uther, wearing his customary 'Lost' expression, complete with a prominent crinkle between the eyebrows, glanced at Gaius. A silent, "Are you sure he's quite alright?" went unasked.
"She did her research," Arthur tiraded, gesturing angrily at the offending paper. "She selected her target carefully. She had patience, and bided her time, she did everything she was supposed to do, so something completely random must have ruined everything. And the only random possibilities she might not have been able to plan for on here is either the 'Guardian Angel,' or 'True Love Kiss' baloney!"
"Do you think that there might be a third party who practiced magic in order to lift the spell?" Uther was finally catching on, thanks to the topic turning to something he could understand: Uprooting any and all forms of enchantment, benevolent or not.
"I would, except that’s impossible, because you’ve driven any potential guardians out of the kingdom!" Merlin did his best to appear interested—but not too interested—in the conversation, while also looking a hundred percent Not Suspicious. But also not TRYING to look Not Suspicious TOO much, because that in itself might seem suspicious. Sheesh, deceit was hard. If it weren't for the fact that Uther and Arthur were extremely obtuse, his head would have landed on the chopping block months ago. "But then that leaves True Love, which is even less likely, because I'm not even in love! At least… I'm pretty sure I'm not. People always know when they're in love... Right?" Unfortunately, Merlin couldn't control the coloring of his cheeks at this comment. He was so glad Arthur had been asleep for that part. Honestly, he'd only done it because he was desperate. It wasn’t like he'd actually expected a kiss to work!
If Gaius had been looking at his assistant, he might have observed Merlin's cheeks, been hit with a thunderbolt, and given him his trademark, "Oh no Merlin, you didn't," look. But luckily for all involved, Gaius assumed Merlin had helped Arthur through other means. He was staring thoughtfully at a wall, no doubt mentally probing matters which ought to be prioritized in attention.
"I can understand your distress Arthur, but there is nothing to be done now."
"I know," Arthur huffed, sliding a hand through his hair and resting his head in his palms. "It's just bugging me."
"What I find more worrisome is where Lady Winifred got this pamphlet, and if there are any more being distributed." Arthur blanched, wide-eyes renewed.
"Oh, God help me."
"Which is why I wish you to conduct an investigation on the matter as soon as you are able."
"I'll start right away." Arthur stood and flung the blanket aside. "It's not like I have anything better to do. Merlin?"
"Yes Arthur?"
Arthur passed him the pamphlet with the instructions, "Burn this. Then go find me some food."
"I would be delighted to, sire." As Merlin cast it into the fire, he came to the conclusion that he would just file this entire incident under the collection of memories that were never to be spoken of or even thought about again, for the benefit of everyone involved. This collection had gotten quite large as of late, and would surely, unfortunately, be filling up more in days to come.