Work Text:
What’s with the cranky face, Wilson? Is that any way to greet your boyfriend in the evening?
Hi, House. Here is a kiss for you.
And you still look cranky.
On the bus, the driver said, “Bye, Jimmy.”
I thought I was the one who didn’t like human interaction.
Wilson is my best name now. Jimmy is a name for a kid!
Adults use it too. Remember watching the TV show Good Times? The main character, J.J., was played by actor Jimmie Walker.
DINOMITE!
Exactly. And Jimmy Carter is old as balls but he still goes by Jimmy.
Uh.
What?
Um, I try 'membering who Jimmy Carter is, but no. None of the old people I know right now is named Jimmy or Mr. Carter.
He was the US president in the 1970s before Reagan.
We had a president named Ray Gun? Pew, pew. That is weird.
Ronald Reagan, r-e-a-g-a-n. All the Republicans love him, and also he was in a movie with a monkey.
I thought his name was Clin Tease Wood.
Clint Eastwood. Close. Anyway, you like Jimmy Carter. You saw him on TV building houses for poor people. With a hammer and workbelt, and you said he was like Bob the Builder but real and no talking trucks.
Yeah! I like him! He’s a helper! He helps a lot of people.
He’s almost eradicated the guinea worm too.
What’s rattle-kated?
Eradicated. Wiped out. Done away with completely. Jimmy Carter fights worms.
It’s not very hard to fight a worm. You just squish it.
Well, sure, one worm is easy. But millions of worms?
No. That’s gross.
Yep. And the guinea worm is a particular kind of worm that gets in people’s bodies and makes them sick.
Oh no. Are there ginny worms everywhere?
Well, they’re almost gone and even when they were prevalent, they caused disease mostly in Africa. It’s very unlikely you’d ever encounter a guinea worm in Princeton.
Un-like-ly is not the same like never. Your patients have very un-like-ly en-coun-ters with diseases.
True. But then I figure it out, don’t I? If you were to find the very unlikely one-in-a-billion guinea worm in Princeton, I would figure it out and get you well again. No problemo.
You would.
Yes.
Because you love me.
Well, mostly because it’s what I do for cool one-in-a-billion cases. But if it was you, yes, I’d also be doing it because I love you.
It’s time now for me to talk to you.
I thought we were talking.
That was only the before talking. This is the important talking.
OK. Are you breaking up with me?
No.
‘We have to talk’ usually means there’s going to be a breakup. Or a pregnancy. You’re not pregnant, are you?
No. Stop talking. It’s my turn. This is important.
Zzt, mouth zipped closed.
You love me and I love you.
This really sounds like breakup or pregnancy.
No. It’s my turn to talk. Do we need the turn stick?
No, I’m good. Stopping talking. Your turn. Got it.
Shh. I love you and you love me and we have a relationship. So it needs to be balanced. Fair. My teachers explained that it’s not every little thing but you have to think about the whole thing; is it mostly balanced and standing up or is there too much over around so that it flops over tired. Are you confused?
A little, yeah.
Or, like a bowl of ice cream and one person gets the bowl, and person two only gets a spoon. That’s not fair.
OK, OK. I was kind of wondering when you’d notice that you’re the only one doing chores around the apartment. What do you want me to take? Laundry? Bathroom-scrubbing’s a pain the ass with my leg, but I could do dishes, I guess.
What? No.
No?
You make money and you do the money stuff and you do the driving. That's your part. The laundry and cleaning and dishes is my part. What I am talking about now is that it is not fair that I get to be with friends like me and you don’t. I have the day group and you don’t. You need time with people like you.
Wilson, you are like me.
Yes, I am like you, and also not like you. You need a group to talk to and have fun with hard things.
You and I have a lot of fun with hard things. In our pants. Get it?
This is important. Hard not like penises, but hard like with a lot of steps and thinking things. Not boring.
You’re not boring, Wilson. You never could be.
I know. But hard things are kind of boring for me, and it’s ok. We need a balance. One time I went to the ski slopes. One kid was really slow and his friend was really fast and it wasn’t fun for the really fast kid to wait, and it wasn’t fun for the really slow kid to try to hurry. So the fast kid went fast and the slow kid went slow, and then they went home on the bus together.
Huh. So, were you the slow kid or the fast kid on the ski slopes?
I wasn’t a kid at all.
Ever?
You are being silly. Stop being silly and listen. Teachers say that lots and it is true.
I know, I know. My time at work doesn’t count as “separate skiing”?
Work is for working. For me, chores are for working too and school is for studying, but I get Leaser Time too for fun with friends. You need Leaser Time.
I have plenty of leisure time. I play the piano, ride my motorcycle.
But not with friends!
See, here’s the thing. I don’t really have friends, except you.
Yeah, I know. You are not a very good friend-maker. But I’ll help you because I am very great at making friends. Helping you make friends can be part of my part of our relationship. And you having friends can be part of your part.
I’d rather scrub the bathroom.
Then I will let you as a special treat after you make a friend! That’s a good treat!
It’s really not a good treat.
Oh. Do you want a candy bar for your treat?
No, I’ll tell you what I want.
What you really, really want?
I refuse to sing that Spice Girls song again.
But it’s pretty when you sing it! Please?
Hey, weren’t we talking about a treat for me?
Oh yeah. What do you want?
A blowjob.
No.
What?
No.
Seriously?
Yes. That cannot be your treat.
Why not?
Because we would have to wait until you make a friend and that could be a very long time from now and I don’t want to wait for a very long time from now.
Hey!
You are really not a very good friend-maker.
Fine, you got me there.
I would ravver get you in the bedroom.
Why, Jimmy!
My name is Wilson and we are done talking and I want to give you a blowjob now.
Yes, sir; you’re the boss.
I like to be the boss.
I’ll tell you a secret: I like you to be the boss too.
That is not a secret.
It will be from my hypothetical new friends.
Your high and pathetic friends will know I am in charge of our relationship because everybody knows that.
You’re right, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.