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Nowhere is safe, and if it is, it won’t be for long. Eventually anywhere they go will cease to remain a secret, will cease being a place they can hide. Eiji knows that now, this far into things. They’ve had a score of experiences ever since he met Ash that have taught him as much. The best they can hope for each new safe spot is that it lasts longer than the ones before it.
Logically, he knows he shouldn’t feel so relaxed, but this particular place is peaceful.
Apart from the occasional slow rumble of a car passing by outside and the fan on the floor’s gentle whirring, there’s no sound. Neither of them has spoken much since they got here, and for now, Eiji is fine with that. At some point, he’d like to talk, but the silence isn’t grating.
Add that to the uneventfulness of the past three days, and he almost feels unguarded.
Hugging his knees where he’s sitting, Eiji feels the fan turn on him briefly, and enjoys the splay of cool air that washes over his face and arms. It ripples over his skin, leaving gooseflesh in its wake. Compared to the otherwise stale, hot atmosphere inside the room, it’s relieving. There’s only so much heat he can take, and New York has been blazing the past few days, making it a pain to have to stay indoors. It’s probably better than being directly under the sun’s rays, but it is stuffy.
Cheap as the fan is, they’re lucky to have it.
Tapping his fingers against his shin, Eiji tries to think of something to occupy him. For now, he’s alone, so there’s a limit on what he can do without another person.
Cooking might be a good option, he suggests to himself blithely. It’s roughly late enough in the day for an early dinner, and it’s one of the things he has to offer in this scenario. Other than being a tagalong who contributes nothing and gets in the way, he thinks, albeit less happily. Then, he shakes his head violently.
It’s way too late to be having this same argument replay in his head. Yes, he’s likely more of a burden than a help, but he does what he can. He does all he can not to get in the way, and to make this easier on Ash. Besides, he’s quickly learning how to survive. Where to be stubborn, and where to fold. If that isn’t progress, Eiji doesn’t know what is. He’s changed so much since day one.
Humming, he starts to go over what he can cook in his head and gets as far as a side dish of salad when he’s interrupted.
Suddenly, a clattering at the door wakes him from his thoughts, and Eiji lifts his head as the locks slide free and the door springs open.
“Welcome back,” he greets once he sees a blond head duck through.
Ash slouches into the apartment with the usual unrevealing expression dominating his features. It’s been nearly an hour since he left to go scout the surrounding area for signs of trouble, and Eiji can only surmise that he found none. There’s no sense of urgency in the way he’s walking, and his nod at the greeting is equally placid.
Still, it never hurts to check.
“All clear?” he inquires, watching closely for any clues.
“It’s clear,” Ash replies, kicking off his shoes near the door, a habit Eiji would like to think he’d instilled in him during their time together. “I didn’t see anyone. Nothing happened here while I was gone, right?”
“Nothing happened.”
He gazes on as Ash walks deeper into the apartment, making a beeline for where they’d laid a mattress on the floor for sleeping. The place they’re in is some kind of studio setup. Abandoned, but not without a few of the necessities left behind. He hasn’t even missed there being a bed frame; sleeping low to the ground is more comfortable anyway. If he squints, they could just be camping out.
Ash sits himself on the edge of the mattress facing Eiji and hunches forward, resting his chin in the palm of one hand. For a long moment, they openly stare at each other, neither quite sure what else to say.
It feels like they’ve exhausted all the usual topics during the hours they’ve been holed up doing nothing together, and they’ve exhausted some topics twice or more times over. Small talk is definitely out. And as far as deeper subjects go, it depends on what it is. There are some things that Eiji doesn’t dare bring up.
Like feelings, he thinks bitterly to himself, dropping his gaze and hugging his knees again.
Not his fear or anxieties about being on the run, which Ash has interrogated him numerous times on. They’ve established how he feels there. Being with Ash, he feels safe enough. He can trust that Ash is looking out for him, and that he likely knows how to do that best. Eiji is human though – there are times when his trust in Ash is not enough to quell his worst nightmares. But mostly, he feels safe. Protected. Like no matter what happens, he’ll be alright.
Nor does he mean his feelings about what has happened. His sadness at the people they’ve lost along the way, for example. The ones who are never coming back. He doesn’t dwell on those thoughts if he can help it, and he knows Ash uses avoidance as his solution too.
No, about the only feelings Eiji can’t bring up to his companion are the ones he’s struggling with the most. The ones that acutely concern Ash. Like how he feels about him.
“Eiji.”
He looks up but stops just short of meeting Ash’s jade stare.
“You all right?”
Forcing himself, he nods in response.
“I’m just tired,” he lies, settling his head back down on the valley between his kneecaps. As soon as he says it, he knows it’s a weak lie. It’s not like he’s done anything all day to be tired out from. Still, it’s better than getting into what he’s thinking.
Ash probably can see through him, but surprisingly, doesn’t call him out on it. Instead he removes his chin from his hand and leans back on the mattress until he flops onto it, staring up at the ceiling. Eiji watches him go, sees his hair fan out on the sheets and hears the slight groan of protest the mattress gives as it dips beneath Ash’s weight.
For another long stretch, they remain silent, each of them staring off into their own separate slice of space. Finally, it’s Ash that breaks the silence, sitting back up when he does.
“You should lay down if you’re tired,” he says, flicking a stare Eiji’s way.
Eiji frowns.
“I was just thinking about making dinner,” he starts, but he’s cut off.
“I can do that. You rest.” Ash pats the bed beside him as if to illustrate his orders.
Briefly, Eiji considers resisting further, but like he’s said, he knows where and when not to be stubborn now. This feels like one of those times it’s better if he acts ‘reasonable’ instead. And that means not fighting Ash’s offer. Out of them, he’s probably the more skilled hand in the kitchen anyway.
He relents.
“All right.”
Ash stands up and leaves for the next room, leaving space for Eiji to crawl over to the mattress. Resigning himself to the act, he lays himself down near the edge and pulls the blankets over his body. It’s almost too hot for it, but he’s not about to complain. Nor is he likely to shuck off any layers of clothing to get cooler. At least the fan is nearby, otherwise he’d probably melt.
The silence returns for the next twenty odd minutes while Ash is gone and Eiji tries to feign sleep. A job he’s apparently not good at because at the end of that time, he hears Ash walk back into the room and kneel beside him on the floor.
“You can open your eyes,” he says, the tone of it indicating he knows Eiji is awake.
Sheepishly, Eiji does just that.
“Yes?” he murmurs, wondering why Ash didn’t just call him out from the start.
“Are you really hungry or… can we talk?”
Eiji raises an eyebrow. Talk?
“I’m not that hungry,” he answers, deciding that his curiosity is going to win out every time.
“Move over.”
Still arching a brow, he scoots over and sits up, leaving room for Ash to perch himself on the side of the bed. As he settles himself there, Eiji ponders what the point of this could be. A talk sounds serious to him, and yet he’s not sure what’s serious enough to merit this haste. If it were something mundane that Ash wanted to talk about, they could have had the conversation over dinner.
No, it has to be something big.
But what?
Immediately, his mind goes to the worst possibility.
Ash wants them to separate from each other, for him to go his own way. He wants to continue his quest against Golzine without Eiji being a constant hindrance, another neck to watch out for. He’s finally grown tired of having to play the protector. He wants him back in Japan.
It’s plausible. Yet, a part of Eiji reels against that theory.
“Never leave my side,” Ash had said before, a few times before they’d come to the place they were in now.
Why would he have said it if it didn’t mean something? If he didn’t mean what he said?
The Ash he’s come to know sticks to his word.
Ultimately though, he can’t stop himself from fearing that possibility. That he’s not wanted around anymore, and that Ash is going to try and send him away again. It makes so much more sense than keeping him around does. Keeping him here, in the danger zone – it’s illogical. Putting him back somewhere he can be out of reach – that’s logical.
Please, don’t be logical, Eiji thinks desperately.
“W-What did you want to talk about?” he asks to break the ice, feeling his heart beat loud and erratic inside his chest.
“You, being here with me.”
Eiji swallows hard.
“Oh?”
It leaves his voice as a single, faint syllable.
“I shouldn’t have let you stay.”
Eiji feels his heart speed up, and his stomach tie in knots. Once again, he starts to fear his self-forged conclusion. Here it comes, he thinks, here’s where he finally admits he wants me to go after all.
“You’re not as safe as I’d like you to be, Eiji, even if I’m here to protect you. I know that. And yet… I can’t seem to let you go,” Ash says, staring at him and piercing him through with his vivid green eyes. Normally so cold, they seem to gleam in that moment with fire, warming him through the chills that had been threatening to overtake him.
“I already decided I wouldn’t. Let you go. And I’m not changing my mind on that.”
It takes all Eiji has not to cry out in relief at that statement.
And apparently his reaction is palpable because in the next second, Ash is looking at him strangely.
“Eiji, you okay?”
Feeling relief wash over him, Eiji nods fervently. “I thought you were going to send me away,” he blurts out, unable to stop himself.
“Never,” Ash declares. “That’s the exact opposite of what I want.”
“Thank you,” he responds, clenching his hands to work out the excess of his feelings. He braces his fists against his chest and takes a deep breath in, and then out to soothe himself.
“You’re all right, then?”
“So long as that’s not what we’re talking about.”
“It isn’t.”
“Then yes.”
They fall silent for a moment or two after that, and slowly, Eiji regains control over his emotions. Now that he knows he’s not in danger of being cast out, he can remain calm for anything else. Literally anything else Ash wants to throw at him, he’s game for. Or at least that’s what he believes he’s capable of.
“I can guess, but so we’re clear… you want to be here?”
Eiji nods again before his mouth catches up to his brain, and he states, “I don’t want to leave you.”
“Good.”
Shakily, Eiji smiles. That’s done, he thinks. Now what else is there to talk about?
“I was thinking about a lot of things when I was out earlier,” Ash begins again. “Like that, for one, and whether we were still safe being here. But mostly, I was thinking about something else. I… I don’t know how to say it.”
“I’m sure however you thought of is fine,” Eiji replies kindly.
Ash glares at him a little.
“You wouldn’t if you knew how I thought of saying it.” He lets out a tch, and continues, “This is the kind of thing I wish I had better words for.”
Eiji waves a hand.
“I think in our situation, simple words are better,” he says, thinking of the limitations of his vocabulary. They generally have no trouble understanding each other, but there have been moments. And the more extravagant the word, the greater chance he won’t know it.
“I doubt it, but whatever. I know what I want to say, and if it’s not good enough, I have only myself to blame. Or,” Ash pauses, getting a look in his eyes that’s laser-point focused. Eiji quirks a brow in confusion.
“I could just show you what I mean.”
“If you think that’s the best way, then all right,” Eiji agrees.
Ash’s expression doesn’t falter. If anything, it grows more determined.
“I always overthink,” he says, tone gravelly, “Just let me do something thoughtless for once in my life.”
And before Eiji can come up with anything to say, Ash is moving closer.
Slowly, slowly he slides over on the bed, and it’s like time has stopped flowing in the same way, dragging on like they’re both wading through molasses as the seconds tick by. For Eiji, all thoughts cease, and he doesn’t process anything before, suddenly, they are a hair’s distance apart.
Ash looks him over one more time, jade eyes darting over the span of Eiji’s face as if searching for opposition. Finding none, he acts.
His lips surge forward, planting themselves on Eiji’s chapped ones with infinite tenderness. He doesn’t take or force or even ask for much, simply pressing against them as if to share his warmth. Like a light switch being turned on, Eiji’s brain catches up, and he trembles as the rest of him catches up too. They’re kissing, he thinks, stomach leaping inside of him. They’re alone, and kissing, it doesn’t seem for the world like there’s any ulterior motive to it. No capsule to pass on, no ruse to keep. Just kissing.
The thought only causes him to tremble harder, until his shaking is palpable enough to stop Ash in his tracks. Pulling back, he scans Eiji warily.
“You can punch me,” he says after a spell, and looks away frowning.
Eiji can’t help it. He lets out a nervous laugh and fists his hands in the blankets on the bed.
“That’s the first thing you say after you kiss me?”
“Yes. You clearly didn’t like it, and so I’m letting you get even with me. I shouldn’t have just assumed it would be okay.”
The response is so ridiculous that again, he can’t help himself when he laughs.
“Don’t laugh at me.”
“I’m not,” Eiji insists. “I’m laughing at this situation.”
Ash looks back at him strangely.
“Why?”
Eiji decides to abandon all pretense.
“Because I never thought you’d kiss me again because you meant it. I didn’t think you felt the way I do.”
“The way you do?” Ash interjects, eyes flashing with sudden recognition.
He has nothing left to hide. Eiji nods.
“I know that one time… I know it was just something you had to do. But I’ve… ever since then… since I’ve met you, Ash, I’ve come to feel things that I don’t even have a name for. All I know is that I always want to be with you and that… someday, I wanted to kiss you again. For real.”
“Then why were you shaking when I did it?” Ash accuses, voice piqued.
“Because I wanted it so very badly.”
As he says it, Eiji feels some of the anger diffuse from the one sitting across from him. It evaporates into midair and is gone. They both sit there for countless seconds, working through the turbulent thoughts inside their heads. When the trance is broken, it’s Ash who leads.
“Eiji, I like you. I wish I had better words for it, but that’s how I feel. Can I… can I kiss you again?”
He speaks before he has the chance to overanalyze anything.
“Please do, Ash.”
“It’s fine?” Ash asks, even as he’s moving in closer.
Eiji stares at him, not bothering to disguise the need in his expression. Ash looks at him once more and seems to glean his answer.
His lips rejoin Eiji’s, as soft as the first time, but this time his hand joins the fray, brushing stray strands of hair to the side of Eiji’s face. As ever, he’s tender, slowly increasing the pressure between their mouths as he leans into the kiss, taking a little more eagerly than the last time. Eiji feels him, warm and solid as their lips connect again and again, feels him turn his head so that they fit together even tighter and feels his mouth part to let his tongue gloss softly over Eiji’s bottom lip, trailing over the skin like he's mapping it.
Eiji moans, the sound getting caught between the seal of their lips. To one side, he feels Ash’s hand reach back to rub his thumb over Eiji’s ear lobe. Reaching forward himself, he knots his fingers in Ash’s shirt, gently tugging him closer.
Parting his lips, he feels Ash surge in, tongue rubbing at his tantalizingly. Eiji only tightens his grip on him then, breathing hard through his nose and trying to reciprocate, glossing his tongue against Ash’s as they continue their kiss. Eventually, he needs more air, so he pulls back, slightly panting. He feels like he’s just run a mile with how crazy his heart is beating.
Unable to do anything else, Eiji smiles.
“That was more than fine,” he remarks, glancing at Ash, who is studying him intently.
“Good.”
Then, without any warning, he’s being flopped back onto the mattress, and pulled into a broad chest. Eiji gasps, but then just as soon relaxes, resting his head against Ash’s shoulder. They lay there for a solid minute, and it’s almost too hot being pressed together and with the blankets, but Eiji can’t find it in him to care. Not when he has everything he wants at his fingertips.
“I’m never letting you go,” Ash promises quietly in his ear.
Eiji’s heart leaps.
“If I can say something… I’m glad you didn’t overthink this, Ash.”
“Me too, Eiji. Me too.”
They might not truly be safe anywhere, Eiji thinks, but right here, right now, he feels safe. It doesn’t matter what’s ahead of them.
So long as he has Ash, he can endure.