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Being an idol is tough. Hyunjin knows that. Of course he knows that, and he knew that even before he became an idol. He knew it even before he became a trainee, having heard all sorts of stories of idol life and the struggles associated with it. But he still did it, and here he is, being an idol.
For him, the hardest part isn’t all of the work he has to do. Yeah, it’s certainly difficult, but hard work is hard work. It’s something that he can control. Something that he can’t control, however, is the pressure he feels. Pressure to be at least somewhat good at dancing, at least somewhat good at rapping. Pressure to be attractive, because that’s pretty much the only thing he’s ever really gotten recognized for.
That’s why he’s here, actually, hunched over the dorm’s toilet with his index finger shoved down his throat. He gags again, and he heaves, but nothing comes out. The only thing that lands into the bowl is more of his spit and mucus. He doesn’t even care about the fact that his vision is blurring from the tears in his eyes, there’s nothing of interest to see anyway. They’re not tears of sadness, because he’s not sad. They’re just a physical reaction from his relentless attempts to throw up.
There’s the sound of somebody walking passed the bathroom, and he ceases his actions to listen. If any of the members found out about this, he’d panic. He hates to imagine what they might end up thinking of him. Would they think he’s weak? Pathetic? Would they think he’s disgusting? Hyunjin is half-convinced that they already do. A depressing thought forms at the back of his mind: Would they even care? Hyunjin really hopes they would. He hopes they would try to talk to him about it, that they would try to stop him and try to comfort him. He wants to hear them say that he’s beautiful the way he is.
But the fact is that Hyunjin isn’t beautiful. Maybe when you first see him. After all, it’s not like he doesn’t get many compliments. It’s just that he knows that the more you spend time with him, the more you realize that he isn’t cute, and you get bored of him really easily. He has an image of Jisung, walking in on him hunched over the toilet, just shrugging. He can imagine Jeongin’s voice booming from outside of the bathroom, telling him to tone it down. He hears Chan scolding him about how his actions could affect the team’s performance, and maybe what that Chan from his imagination is telling him is true. Although, even if Hyunjin wishes he could stop, he can’t.
Except he’s not throwing up either. He’s just making himself gag and nothing is happening, because his body really hates him that much. It makes him suffer, and when he tries to make himself feel better, it won’t allow him that much either. The tears in Hyunjin’s eyes might be turning into ones of frustration at this point. This isn’t the first time he’s done this. He always does this. Hyunjin eats a little too much, then later goes to the bathroom to get rid of it, except it doesn’t come out, so he just ends up sitting against the cold hard floor, saliva running down his forearm, throat sore, and food still in his stomach.
Whoever was passing by the bathroom doesn’t seem to be around anymore, but he’s too exhausted to keep trying. He’s probably doing damage to his vocal chords or something. This was a horrible idea. He knows puking doesn’t even work in managing weight. He knows it’s dangerous. Why does he keep trying? God, he’s so fucking stupid. Hyunjin gets up and heads towards the sink to wash his hands and forearms, then he splashes water on his face, hoping that it helps his eyes appear less red. It’d be embarrassing if anyone thought that he was crying in here, or something.
When he steps out of the bathroom, he notices that a few of the members are still watching television, mainly the younger ones and Minho. He has no idea where Chan and Jisung are, Woojin is in his room working on something. He steps into the living room and scans the members who are watching television, then sees that there’s somebody missing.
“Where’s Changbin?” he asks them. Nobody answers him, but Minho does spare him a glance and gives him a shrug. “Felix?” he urges, knowing that if any of them knew where the elder was, it’d be him.
“I don’t know,” he answers, not bothering tearing his eyes away from the screen. “He got up a while ago.”
Hyunjin frowns and turns around, making his way to his shared room with Jisung and Seungmin. Once he enters, he unsurprisingly finds the guy he was looking for, lounging on his bed.
“What are you doing?” he raises an eyebrow and asks Changbin as he goes to stand next to the bed.
“Chilling,” the other boy answers, eyes locked on his phone screen, fingers tapping away.
“Fair,” Hyunjin says. “There’s better places to chill, though. Why are you on my bed?”
Changbin seems to finish up whatever he was typing, then rests his phone against his chest. “I wanted to talk to you.” He locks eyes with the younger, and Hyunjin feels dread building up in the pits of his guts.
Was Changbin the one who walked by the bathroom earlier? Did he hear the gross sound of Hyunjin dry heaving? Is he going to scold him? Hyunjin really should have been more careful. Obviously the sound of the TV wouldn’t have been enough to cover up his gagging.
“About what?” he asks slowly, fight or flight instincts ready to kick in any second now.
Changbin seems to sense Hyunjin’s distress, and his features soften. He raises his arms towards the standing boy and makes grabby motions with his hands. “Just in general. Come here,” he whines, voice dripping with gross aegyo.
Hyunjin relaxes, and rolls his eyes at the sound of the other’s high pitched voice. He’ll admit to himself that he has a soft spot for the elder, so no matter how badly Changbin’s aegyo makes him cringe, it’s not like he has it in himself to say no.
“Aight.” He plops down next to him, and Changbin wraps his arm around Hyunjin’s waist, bringing his back against his chest, effectively asserting himself as the big spoon. Hyunjin giggles. He likes having the shorter boy as the big spoon, even though Hyunjin is bigger. It makes him feel safe and warm, he really likes that. He likes feeling Changbin’s steady breathing against his back, and he likes pretending that it isn’t weird how Changbin is definitely sniffing his hair right now. He likes a lot about this.
“How was your day?” Changbin asks him, warm breath hitting the back of Hyunjin’s neck.
“Pretty okay. I mean, you were around during most of it, so you already know,” Hyunjin laughs, trying to ignore the small shivers that the elder’s breath is sending down his spine.
“Yeah, I know,” Changbin chuckles. “How have you felt, though? It’s not like I know what’s going on through that weird brain of yours.”
“My weird brain? You’re one to talk,” the taller boy teases. “But, I don’t know,” he answers truthfully. “I feel the same as I always do, I guess.”
“Stressed?” Changbin offers, throwing a leg over Hyunjin’s hips to hold him even closer. It’s almost as if he’s making sure that the younger boy doesn’t escape his grasp. Not that Hyunjin really wants to.
“I guess,” Hyunjin mumbles. They lay silently for a while before Hyunjin decides that he wants to turn around and look at Changbin’s face, so he does just that. The other lifts his limbs to allow Hyunjin to do so, then he places them back once they’re settled back in. Their faces are a little too close, but they’re comfortable enough with each other to not mind. Or, at least, Hyunjin hopes so. Having Changbin’s face this close to his own makes him feel things. It’d be so easy to lean in and just… kiss him.
But he’s not allowed to. First of all, there’s a big chance that Changbin doesn’t see him that way at all. Second of all, Hyunjin isn’t worthy enough to be able to kiss him. Third of all, even if they did kiss, it would cause so much trouble. He can’t do it. But he desperately wants to. Hyunjin inwardly snorts, because it reminds him of how he wants to throw up, but it physically just won’t happen.
“What are you thinking?” Changbin asks softly, and Hyunjin hates how much he loves hearing that soft, almost intimate, tone in his voice. For a second, he can imagine that they’re boyfriends cuddling in their shared apartment, stress free, in love.
“You,” he answers mindlessly. “I mean, cause your face is right in front of me,” he adds quickly, trying to make it sound less weird.
Changbin hums. “Hyunjin. Do you like me?”
The elder’s face is unreadable, and his tone doesn’t say all that much either. Hyunjin has no idea if Changbin’s question has a romantic connotation, or if he’s just overthinking it. He hesitates for a second before answering with the truth. “Yeah, of course.”
The other boy smiles, though it isn’t that wide, and doesn’t seem that sincere. “I like you too. Can I ask you a question?”
Hyunjin snorts. “That’s the only thing you’ve been doing so far, but sure.”
“What were you doing in the bathroom earlier?”
And just like that, Hyunjin no longer feels warm and safe. He no longer feels the little butterflies in his stomach, instead he feels dusty moths. He feels cold, and he definitely wishes that Changbin wasn’t holding him as tight anymore.
Changbin definitely sees the panic on his face, but he doesn’t say anything. He lets Hyunjin think of a response, and Hyunjin doesn’t know if he hates that or if he appreciates it. What he does knows, though, is that if he lies to Changbin right now, it won’t fool him. He also knows, however, that Changbin will let it go.
“I,” he stutters, not sure what to say. “I don’t know?” he asks more than says, and frowns. Because it’s obvious, and Changbin already seems to know the answer, so what can he say? “Changbin, I don’t-“
“Hyunjin,” he cuts him off, tightening the grip of his hand that’s against the younger’s waist. “I’m sorry.”
Hyunjin blinks at him, confused. “Why are you sorry?” he asks, breathing shakily.
This time it’s Changbin’s turn to frown. “I don’t know. I just,” he pauses, searching for his words. “I just wish that I could make you feel as though you can talk to me. I hate to hear you suffering.”
Hyunjin breathes out. So Changbin definitely did hear the disgusting sounds Hyunjin was making.
“I’m sorry,” the taller boy apologizes, and he buries his face in Changbin’s neck, because he doesn’t know what else to do.
Changbin brings a hand up to the back of Hyunjin’s head and starts running it through his hair. “Don’t apologize to me, baby. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
Hyunjin feels himself tearing up, and he also feels himself melting at the nickname. He holds onto Changbin tighter and inhales his scent. He slowly breathes it out a couple of seconds later. “Do you think I’m gross?” he asks after a bit.
“Why would I ever think that?” Changbin scoffs. “You’re the most skilled and best looking member of Stray Kids.”
Hyunjin smiles to himself sadly. “No offense, but actually that would be you,” he laughs weakly.
“Your only flaw is that you’re delusional,” Changbin says and chuckles.
Hyunjin brings his face back up to look at the other in the eyes. They’re fond and warm, and despite the moths still floating around in Hyunjin’s stomach, he does feel a little bit less cold.
“Can I,” Changbin starts, but hesitates. Hyunjins eyes glance down to Changbin’s mouth and how he’s nervously biting his lip, and he unconsciously licks his own before looking back up.
“What is it?” Hyunjin asks, nerves building up. He feels the tips of his fingers tingling, and his head is getting a little bit fuzzy. The panic from earlier is still floating around, but now his desire for Changbin feels amplified, and on top of that he’s also still struggling to understand if he’s reading the situation right. Hyunjin is starting to feel overwhelmed.
“I want to kiss you,” Changbin finally admits, and Hyunjin feels such an intense wave of relief that he actually whimpers.
“Me too,” Hyunjin says back. They blink at each other.
“Should we do that?” Changbin asks.
“Are we allowed to?” Hyunjin asks back.
Changbin contemplates it. “I don’t know if it’d be a good idea. It could mean serious trouble if anyone finds out.”
Hyunjin leans in slightly, forehead bumping against Changbin’s. “What if nobody finds out?” he whispers.
Changbin releases a shaky breath. “Then I guess it should be fine,” he mumbles back. “Have you ever done this?”
Hyunjin thinks about it before answering, “Like, once in elementary school. Have you?”
“No,” Changbin answers truthfully. “Show me how you did it in elementary school.”
Hyunjin laughs a bit. “I don’t remember, but we can figure it out together, if you want.”
Changbin nods, and they stare at each other for a bit longer before either of them actually does anything. The situation is awkward, Hyunjin thinks, and it feels as though something is stuck in his throat. He decides to fuck it, and he slowly leans in and gently presses his lips against Changbin’s.
Changbin’s lips are a bit chapped, kinda dry and rough, but also somehow soft. It doesn’t feel like much, if he’s gonna be honest, but when Changbin starts slowly kissing back, a fire ignites somewhere deep inside of him. It’s subtle, but present, and the heat of the flame spreads throughout his body. It starts from his abdomen, and it travels to his lower stomach, then to his thighs and reaches his toes. It spreads through his arms and reaches his fingernails, which he starts using to gently massage Changbin’s scalp. It also makes it to the back of his neck and to his face, and he’s so sure that Changbin can feel that same heat as well, because as soon as Hyunjin is aware of how hot his face feels, Changbin presses in harder.
Hyunjin is sure that the kiss itself is objectively not that good. They both lack skill, and it’s definitely uncertain and kind of awkward at times, but he finds that he doesn’t care. He cares even less when Changbin pushes him down on his back and climbs on top of him, cupping Hyunjins face with one hand and caressing his cheek with his thumb. Hyunjin wants to tell him to caress him more, to kiss him deeper, but his mouth is occupied, so he can’t talk. He ends up trying to communicate with his hands instead, running them all over the elder’s back, making him push down more against him, and Changbin seems to get the message, because he softly bites down on Hyunjin’s lower lip and makes him groan.
The feeling of Changbin’s tongue against his own shocks him, and they part a bit to catch their breath. “Is this okay?” Changbin asks him. Hyunjin nods, and then they resume. It takes a while for Hyunjin to get used to the sliminess of another person’s tongue, but it isn’t just anybody’s tongue, it’s Changbin’s. It’s the same tongue that Changbin uses to rap, the rap that their fans love and hype up so much. That tongue is making it’s way down his throat right now, and Hyunjin feels a sick sense of satisfaction. He gets to experience this, not anybody else.
They lose track of time. Hyunjin isn’t sure how long he’s spent feeling around his friend’s mouth, but he wishes that it could be forever. Unfortunately, they both jolt away from each other as soon as a loud crash comes from outside of the room. The sound of Felix laughing and Seungmin groaning fills the dorm, and Changbin is staring at Hyunjin with wide eyes, while Hyunjin stares back.
Their breathing calms down after a couple of moments, and Changbin let’s out a breathy laugh. “We should be more careful. What if somebody had burst into the room?”
“That wouldn’t have been good,” Hyunjin says, running his hands through his hair. Since when was he so sweaty?
They sit around a bit, trying to regain their composure, before Changbin says, “Hyunjin. About the bathroom thing. I don’t think you’re gross or anything. I just don’t want you to feel like you are, and I want you to be able to talk to me.” He sighs. “I don’t really understand what you’re going through, but you can help me do so. I don’t want you to struggle with this alone.”
Hyunjin also sighs. “Thank you,” he says sincerely. He doesn’t know how to feel about that. On one hand, having to share this kind of thing with anybody is terrifying. On the other hand, he also feels a bit lighter knowing that he doesn’t have to keep all of that inside of him.
Hyunjin stares at Changbin, who’s staring at the wall. It feels weird to him how he’s just had two things taken off of his chest like that, and maybe he’s extremely grateful for the other boy, and maybe he’s even a little in love. Changbin is truly beautiful, and that beautiful person wants to help him. Maybe that means he isn’t as gross looking as he thinks he is.
Or, maybe it just means Changbin’s delusional.