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“I love you, Ash,” Eiji says, snuggling so close to his boyfriend he can feel his heartbeat.
Ash glances at him. “I love you too, Ei-chan.”
Even after six years of friendship that became a romantic relationship, Ash using that nickname makes him smile. And blush. Ash is good at making him blush.
“What’s brought this on?” Ash says, raising his arm to let Eiji rest his head against his chest. “You’re not usually this… sentimental.”
“I was just thinking how lucky I am to be with you,” Eiji says. “You are so wonderful.”
Ash snorts; Eiji can’t see his face, but he’s certain Ash is blushing. “I wouldn’t say that. I mean, I’ve killed people—”
“Yes, and anyone would if they were treated that way. You are strong, going through so much and yet caring for people around you.”
“Eiji, I still wouldn’t say that. Being nice to you and my friends and innocent people is just basic human decency, isn’t it?”
“I know, but… you come from such horrible place but you did not turn out like them. You are a good person. You are wonderful and I love you.”
Ash doesn’t answer, but with his head against Ash’s chest, Eiji can hear his heart rate increase. He pulls away and sits up, staring at Ash.
And he sees it.
Tears shine in Ash’s eyes, his face flushing and his breathing starting to shudder. Shuddering breathing is a bad sign; too often, this is the start of a panic attack. Ash has a lot of panic attacks, overwhelmed with memories of being raped and beaten and losing the people he cared, and even Eiji can’t stop them. But at least when they are over, he can cuddle Ash and dry his tears and reassure him that all of that was in the past, and he is safe now.
“Ash, are you okay?” he whispers, scared to touch him.
But thankfully, Ash doesn’t dissolve into a terrifying panic attack. Instead, he stares at Eiji and the tears spill over.
“Thank you,” Ash whispers, tears dribbling down his cheeks.
“I don’t understand,” Eiji says, horrified to see his boyfriend cry.
“My, my therapist told me lots of… abuse survivors are terrified of turning out like the people who hurt them – I know I am,” Ash says, faltering over his words. “I know you didn’t know that, but… you still managed to help in a big way. Shit, I love you, Ei-chan, you’re so fucking nice to everyone.”
Eiji smiles, kissing Ash on the forehead. “You are welcome. And, you know, I could say the same for you. You don’t think me weird because I don’t like… that sort of relationship,” he says, a flush forming on his cheeks.
He still remembers the day he sat on Ash’s bed and told him he loved Ash with all of his heart, but not in a sexual way. And Ash smiled and kissed him and told Eiji he is bisexual but sex totally repulses him after the trauma he has been through, so that was fine by him. Relieved that he wasn’t disappointing Ash, Eiji kissed him and they cuddled all night.
“Again, basic human decency,” Ash says, wiping the tears away with the back of his hand. “But… thanks.”
“Please don’t cry,” Eiji says, kissing Ash’s forehead and then his cheeks, tasting the salty residue of tears. He finishes with a kiss on his lips. “I love you.”
“You say you’re lucky to have me, but it’s the other way around, really. I mean, I met this sweet Japanese guy who looked younger than me who walked into danger despite being scared. We’d barely known each other before you get seriously hurt to save me, and you never left me even though my life was fucking dangerous. You’re the kindest person I’ve ever met, the first who didn’t expect something in return, and you love me despite all of my faults.” Tears shine in his eyes again, but Ash manages a smile. “You’re fucking amazing, Ei-chan. Please, stay with me forever.”
Eiji stares at Ash, unused to hearing such a speech from someone like Ash. But… that was beautiful. He leans closer, wipes the tears from Ash’s face the moment they spill over, and whispers, “I’m never going to leave. I promise you, Ash.”
And he kisses Ash, and manages to get a small smile on Ash’s face. When they fall asleep later, tears are drying on Ash’s face and they snuggle up together, bodies intertwined under the blankets.